Mind Your Words: Nerves, Anxiety, and Panic Are NOT the Same Thing **Trigger Warning**

Originally posted on Picking Up the Pieces:

>>> For those of you who struggle with anxiety, panic, and PTSD please be mindful of the possibility you may be triggered by this post <<<

Since I began speaking out about the abuse I endured and, in particular, the way the trauma has negatively impacted, hindered, and halted certain areas of my life, I have become increasingly aware of how often those engaged in conversation with me invalidate and minimize the struggles I go through with anxiety and panic disorders simply by erroneously using a word of lesser urgency in place of the one they should be using.  With many people, I suspect that their tendency to do so is innocent due to widespread misuse of words by society at large coupled with their lack of experience and their limited understanding of anxiety and panic disorders because they are fortunate enough to not be afflicted with them.  There are…

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Snoring Puppies

I was in YouTube to post that video and came across this video from when I first got Stella. now there is barely room for her and I on the couch and back then I had two of them beside me. They had destroyed the house and were totally exhausted. If you listen closely you can hear Stella snoring.

Then I let you have a peak at the mess they had created, no wonder they were so tired!

Aaaaah the memories, not much has changed really. I left Stella home alone for a couple of hours last week and she ate three or four large glue sticks. luckily everything came out ok! then she ate a black felt pen in my bed and got black ink on herself and my duvet  cover. And she ate a pair of my capri pants my mom bought me, granted I left them on the floor so it is my own fault I suppose.

Today I went to my appointment at the new funding office and came home to; a box of staples she ate the box and the staples are scattered about, ate a pop tart, chewed and spit out an empty pill bottle and ate a pair of my panties that she had to dig out of the laundry hamper.

But when I get home she is so happy to see me and greets me with so much genuine love, how can I be angry? I scold her but she keeps licking me and hugging me until I laugh.

like my son used to say, “Just a big marshmallow”

Snoring puppies

And Now For Your Entertainment – Stella!!

I DO have a good life and a part of that, a very large part of that good life is due to who i spend it with, my sweet sweet Stella.

I was enjoying feeding the geese from the window of the boat just a few minutes ago, it’s amazing how fast those babies grow. It was just a week ago they were little balls of fluff and now they are swimming just like the big geese. There are always a lot of adult geese along with them and you don’t want to mess with a protective Goose.

Everything was going along fine, you can hear the babies making their squeaking sounds trying to sound like an adult and then you can see one of the adult sit up straight and honk, then he starts to hiss. I am wondering what is going on and pan the camera to where the goose is looking and hissing and who do I see, 1/2 way out the window? You guess it, Stella, ready to take a swim with the geese. Funny girl!!

The video goes black for about 15 seconds while I get a slice of bread so keep watching. I can’t edit these things not techie at all. Enjoy!! and I hope where ever you are the sun is shining, the waters are calm and you find joy in something, even if it is just a small thing that makes you smile.

Sorry forgot to add the link the first time, then I added the wrong link, it was 14 minutes of someone’s “loon Cam” boooring!!! finally I am hoping I got this right!! Like I said, i am not techie at all :) , here is the link Carrie feeds the geese 

So, Did Anyone Listen?

I did it! I was so proud of myself. I really was. I had all this self doubt after the interview, that I didn’t say everything I wanted to say, that I had my notes and didn’t look at them once and missed things but when I listened to the whole thing, I had a huge smile on my face and it stayed there all night.

My son text messaged that I had done good and that was the icing on the cake, Then I took Stella for a walk because I couldn’t sit still, we celebrated by sharing a bag of beef jerky while we walked. (she really heels well when I have a bag of jerky in my hand) I felt like yelling to the world “I did it and it wasn’t awful!!” I couldn’t stop smiling.

My son said the whole interview was well done the guy interviewing me asked good questions and he though it was all very professional sounding.

There was two parts I wasn’t prepared for didn’t really answer the way I would have liked. One was to do with religion. He said that my belief in God was a big part of my healing and I clarified that and said that it was a big part of why I stayed and James had used it to manipulate me; which is very true. After James and I split it was one of the things I missed the most, he had taken my faith and I had nothing, I believed in nothing and had no hope, I wanted to believe in God, I had drawn a lot of strength from it in the past, but I could not find it in me, it was dead. I have never found that faith since, not that deep, putting all my faith in God kinda blind faith. I believe in a higher power, I believe we all are here for a reason and we all have a purpose to fulfill. I have yet to come to terms with how I define religion and God now. If that makes sense. It is not that I don’t believe in God or blame God for what happened, it is that James used it to manipulate me, his mother, other people who crossed his path. Plus I relied on God to give me signs what I should do and we interpret things the way we want to interpret them and that was a mistake, that is not God’s fault, it is mine. I used religion as a crutch in a way, a reason to stay because I wanted to stay. I don’t usually talk much about religionm because it is a touchy subject so I will leave it there. I just wanted to clarify but i don’t know that i did. LOL and that was at the end when Eddie said that I had saved lives through my blog. I felt very uncomfortable with that, that is an awfully big statement to make. I didn’t know how to respond to that and didn’t answer maybe the way I would have liked. There are some people who have come here that hold a special place in my heart. People email me or comment on the blog that I saved their life and I don’t take that literally, I believe they would have survived without me, I don’t have a God complex and think I am saving lives, I HOPE that I am helping people have better lives and saving some people from the excruciating pain I felt or from spending any more time with the N. I hope I give answers that enable a person to move on and I hope I give some people hope.  I care for everyone and I hope I help everyone in some small way but there are a handful of people I truly feared would never break away and I was genuinely fearful for their lives; and lost sleep worrying about them trying to think of some way to get through to them. I feel a bond with those people that is very special to me and well, I can’t put words to it and I suppose that is why I didn’t know what to say during the interview. Saving people’s lives sounds so theatrical and self serving but if I have helped someone save their own life then I am honored and  grateful to have been able to do it. To me that would be the greatest reward for what I went through.

Anyway, if you did catch it what did you think? I am waiting to hear from Eddie about whether it is available as a podcast for those who missed it and want to listen.

Love and hugs to you all.