Paula Asked So I Did It!

I was asked by my friend Paula to participate in some sort of Blogging Tour and to answer 4 questions, which you will find at the end of the post. Like the title says, Paula asked so I did it. Paula has been a wonderful friend through out my blogging “career”, we started our blogs about the same time and bonded over the net. She has been a constant supporter going so far as to send me a spare laptop she had when mine broke a few years ago. My how time flies. If not for Paula I would not even be here! Love and hugs to you Paula!!

So this post is for Paula and here are the questions and answers.

  1. How does your writing/creative process work?

I haven’t really thought about it, I didn’t think I had a process, I just write. But now thinking about it; an idea usually comes to me while I am walking my dog Stella or while driving, you know? those times when your mind wanders. When I think of a post I want to write I try to sit down and at least get a start on it, but usually if I sit down to write a post I finish it because once it starts to flow I can’t shut it off. If it doesn’t flow easily I will save it to drafts and from there 90%of the time it gets deleted.

I have found that the posts that come from deep inside me, the ones where I hesitate to hit the “Publish” button because I feel it is too raw, emotional, or honest; are the posts that I get the most positive reactions from the readers.

Once I get a topic I want to write about, I type it just like I was talking to someone and I don’t edit it at all or even proof read it before I hit publish, if I think about it too much I start to fill with self doubt and end up changing it or deleting it. Once it is posted I go immediately to the actual post and read it, then go back and fix spelling mistakes.

  1. What are you working on at the moment?

I am struggling with trying to compile posts from my blog into a book. It is a huge job and overwhelming. I want to break it down into a series of books; I would like to write a daily inspirational journal, one with real letters from victims and my reply to them and how it eventually turned out for them, if I know. And of course I want to write about my 10 years with my ex; that is the one I am working on right now.

  1. Why do you write or create what you do?

I have never considered myself to be a writer. I used to write when I was in school but quit when my dad found some of my stuff and read it out loud to the family and laughed. I didn’t write again until I left my ex and started my blog. At first I wrote pretty generic posts about my everyday life, I had no support system and I needed someone to care, anyone! I had some bad days and wrote about them and people started following me and like I said earlier, the more honest and vulnerable I was the more people liked what I wrote.

Somewhere along the way someone said I was an inspiration, which blew me away and then people started asking advice and before I knew it I was giving support and advice, researching if I didn’t have the answer. Now I write mainly to give victims answers, support and hope. It is very gratifying to know that I turned the most painful and traumatic period of my life into something positive. Every time I hear from someone that reading my blog helped them leave their abuser or heal from abuse my passion for it grows. I will keep speaking out about narcissists and domestic abuse till I take my final breath or when I am no longer helping anyone. I love to learn and I love to read and I guess I have a talent for writing; I have always wondered what my purpose in life was and I believe I have found it.

  1. How does your work differ from others in your genre?

I think I am different from a lot of other people writing blogs, specifically blogs about narcissists because I do write from the heart, I allow myself to be vulnerable and I am embarrassingly honest sometimes and I think it puts people at ease. They know they aren’t crazy, there is someone out there that made every mistake you can make when dealing with a narcissist, I was lousy at no contact, I was broken in a million pieces and I spilled my guts. I don’t just preach the “rules” of healing or facts and stats, I share intimate details of my relationship with a narcissist and not every blogger who writes about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths does that. I think people feel like we are sitting in a living room somewhere chatting, not that they are getting a “lesson”.

Don’t Forget “In My Humble Opinion” Airs Tonight

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It is to air at 10 pm Eastern Time here in Canada Tuesday May 26 2015, Everyone else will have to figure out what time it is for where you are.

Here’s Your Mulligan

Originally posted on Scott Williams:

I stumbled into a porn recently. I am keenly aware, at this very second, of how that must sound so please allow me to explain. I was out for coffee with a friend and we decided to sit in the courtyard by a Waves Coffee. Above the courtyard were residences with balconies. On the balcony directly above us is where you are supposed to now engage your imagination. It is remarkable, the acoustics of a suburban courtyard. Loud, even. My friend is much younger than I. Much much. It felt like a nuclear explosion, “Oh look at that cool cloud formation”. Followed next by, “Wow, that cloud formation looks like a carpet coming towards us!”. Followed by screaming, things breaking, wind… silence.

At first nothing registers. Then, slowly at first but increasing in awareness, it begins to dawn on you what it is you are actually listening to. This is followed…

View original 1,260 more words

The Narcissist Wasn’t The Only Award Winning Actor

I think most victims of narcissistic abuse have to admit they became pretty good actors themselves, so good in fact that they believed their own performances 1/2 the time.

award

I remember being out in public, sometimes it might be a social gathering with other couples, sometimes it would be with his family or mine and I would put on the performance of a life time. Times when he would have been on me for days over some perceived slight against him or about money, again and I would be devastated deep inside but by all outward appearances we were the happy couple. No one would have known to look at us that he had choked me the night before, or less than 24 hours ago I had been curled in a ball in the corner of the room with him screaming at me that I was an ungrateful bitch while he towered over me with his fist raised threatening to hit me. I certainly didn’t want to let on we weren’t the happy little couple, that we weren’t just like every other couple.

When in the company of other couples quite often the men break off to talk guy stuff and the women are chatting amongst themselves and the some woman would share some annoying habit her husband had, she would go off talking about how he never helps with dishes or how he never does laundry, and she is sick of him being so inconsiderate. I would be sitting there thinking, “If you only knew how lucky you are.” They are bitching about him not calling when he was 10 minutes late or coming home drunk and i never knew when or if James would get home at all. Bitch about him not calling, how about not calling, not answering his phone and not coming home for 2 days?

Or it would be the holidays and someone would ask me what i got for Valentine’s Day, or Christmas and I would say he gets me stuff all year long and we don’t bother if gifts for occasions. Or when someone would have called the cops and the cop took me aside and asked if James ever hit me and I looked him in the eyes and said no. Or when I had been crying for days on end because i was so heart broken and his mother called to see why he hadn’t called her in weeks and I lied and said he was such a hard worker and been putting in so many long hours when in fact I hadn’t heard from him in 2 days and had no idea where he was.

Then there were the performances for my kid, luckily most of them were over the phone because he can read me so well I don’t think I could have pulled it off face to face; where i expounded on how good to me James was and how well everything was going. When I went to my brother’s wedding and told everyone how happy I was with James and how much he had changed and how we had really grown as a couple and going back to him had been the best decision I ever made and how he always puts me first and takes such good care of me.

When his adoptive mother called and her and I would have lengthy conversations about how dedicated, hard working and sensitive James is.

Then there was the time he was sick and in bed and i answered his phone with, “Hello, James’s phone, Carrie speaking.” and there was a long pause before a female voice stammered, “Is James there?” I knew who it was, it was the girl he had been telling me about that sold oil and stuff that came into the shop about a month earlier, she had tattoos every where and was wearing high heels and a dress, she was a model for some magazine but she was not his type. But for someone who wasn’t his type he sure talked about her a lot, I knew if he hadn’t done her, he was planning on it. When she asked if James was there I replied that he was terribly sick in bed at home and asked if I could take a message. I could tell she was dying to know who I was and she asked, “He’s at home?” I said, “Yes, the poor guy, such a hard worker, he never takes days off sick but I had insisted this time he just stay home, they can survive without him for a day. Can I take a message and have him call you?”

She said it was nothing too important and she would call back another day and she hoped he got well soon. In my most loving and caring voice I told her that it was his malaria acting up again and it usually passed in a few days. Of course she asked, “Malaria?” and I told her what a charitable, giving man he is and how a couple of years back he had gone to Africa to help the poor starving Sudanese and gotten Malaria and what a wonderful man he is. Funny, after that call he never talked about her again.

Then there was the performance I gave when he forgot to sign off on my laptop and his MSN messenger beeped in and it was a woman. I again introduced myself as his girlfriend and she could barely contain her surprise and asked how long we had been dating. When I said we had been happily living together for 8 years she wanted to know more but I had to go. I would have loved to chat longer of course and maybe next time.

My best performances though were always with James as my leading man, when he would get himself into shit again and I would come to his side and defend him, expound on his virtues and save his neck again. All in the name of love.

And the times when he came to bed just before the sun came up after hours on porn site or dating sites and pulled me on top of him and I faked an orgasm because I didn’t want him to know that the thought of him with someone else killed any sexual desire I had for him, but I loved him so much i didn’t want to turn him down. Or when he would rescue me after sabotaging my truck and I would be so grateful and go on about how no other man would be able to fix my truck like he did, his McGyver abilities and how lucky I was.

Yes sir, I gave some stellar performances, I knew my lines well, but just like in a TV soap opera they replaced the leading lady, one week it is one actress and the next a totally different actress and no one is supposed to notice the difference, or they make up some far fetched story line that she was badly disfigured in a car accident and now she looks totally different. But the audience goes along with it and life carries on, the orchestrated life of the narcissist that is; and there are no award ceremonies, no golden globes, you are the has-been. Oh they might write you back into the script for a flash back scene but face it, you are done, never to work in this town again.

more true than any victim wants to admit.