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20 Reasons Why I Am Happy Words Don’t Have Calories

purple ribbonIn honor of October being Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, (so fitting it falls on the same month as Halloween, that holiday where everyone wears a mask and dresses as their favorite villain and you never know if you are going to get tricked or a treat, but if you dance really nice, look cute or sing a little song you might get lucky and get a treat the day after Halloween. Make sure you check it for razor blades though)………. Aaaaany way back to what I was saying about being happy words don’t have calories. I used to be an anorexic/bulimic, and although I no longer starve myself I still have a real thing about my weight. With all the words I have had to eat since I met James I would weight 300 lbs by now if they had calories.

With no further ado, analogies or rambling I thought I would share some of the misconceptions (judgments, lets be honest here, I was making judgments about victims of abuse) I held about domestic abuse before I was ever abused.

  1. “A man would only ever hit ME once. I would be outta there so fast his head would be spinning.” but as I pulled myself back up on the seat of the truck after he had strangled me to the point of blacking out, I was asking myself, “Is strangling abuse?” My mind was saying, “You have to leave”. My heart was saying, “I have to fix this.” I did not leave, in fact I lost count of how many times he hit me. I stood there, while he explained to me that, it wasn’t abuse, it wasn’t like he came home and beat me every night. Besides a real man would have hit me a lot sooner.
  2. “Women who stay in an abusive relationship are weak”  In fact women who stay in abusive relationships are incredibly strong. They endure what an average person never could and they usually deal with it all alone, too ashamed to admit it is happening.
  3. “A woman should never allow herself to be put in the position of being dependent on a man”  I never allowed myself to become dependent on James, I didn’t know that a man would purposely sabotage a woman’s vehicle (people still look at me like I must be crazy when I tell them James would stay up at night disabling my vehicle so it would break down on my way to an important function).  The woman does not allow anything, it is so subtle and gradual it happens before they realize it or if they realize it is happening, they have no idea how to stop it. If a man is determined to make you dependent on him you really are helpless to stop it unless it is something you are looking out for and when you are in love with someone you never suspect they would do that to you with the intention of controlling you.
  4. “A woman should always make sure she has her own money and bank account.” Silly me, I thought the woman had some say, that she could refuse to give her money to the man. I was used to being in relationships where the couple discussed finances and made joint decisions on large purchases and the budget. I was accustomed to putting my foot down and the man respecting my opinion. Hahaha I had no idea how many different ways there are to manipulate a person out of their money. Bank account?
    There was no way I could foresee losing my job because I didn’t have a vehicle and was reliant on James for a ride to and from work and he wouldn’t drive me to work and not having a vehicle because he had sabotaged it. Or discussing how I would cover the cost of something but he would pay me back and then have him deny ever borrowing the money. 
  5. “If a man I am with ever cheated on me I’d have his balls on a chain around my neck and he would be kicked to the curb. Once a cheater always a cheater. I compete for no man.” Again, I assumed I would be with a normal red blooded man, not a reptile with no feelings and a talent for lying so convincingly he was up for an academy award. (not really)
  6. “She must like it because she keeps going back or stays with him, they both are sick” Once again there are so many reasons why a woman stays and none of them are because she likes being beaten and abused. I am sure when I said this I was a homeowner and had a job too. I was very capable of taking care of myself and my child. It is a whole different ball game when you don’t have a job, no furniture, would be homeless if you left,  and you have no support system. I also never thought my family would ever let me homeless, but they sure nuf did!
  7. “It can’t be that bad if she stays.” this is where we go back to how strong these women are, how seriously they take their commitments and responsibilities, and how proud they are; it is terribly hard for a strong woman to admit she is being abused.
  8. “Abused women are uneducated and have no job skills because if they did, they would leave.” Truth be told, most abused women are highly educated and very capable, in fact they are less likely to see the abuse coming because they have a false sense of security because they ARE so independent and capable. 
  9. Abused women come from an abusive childhood as do the abusers. Wrong wrong wrong, yeah some of them do, but many of them come from loving two parent homes where they were nurtured and taught respect and they never witnessed any form of abuse. Victims and their abusers come from all cultures, ages, backgrounds and socioeconomic classes.
  10. It isn’t really abuse if it isn’t physical, words can’t hurt you. When in fact, the abuse almost always starts with the words first and the deepest scars, the ones that sometimes never heal, come from words.
  11. “No man would ever dictate who my friends are and when I can go out and with who, any woman that allows that is weak and needs to stand up for herself. Ha! I would love to see any man try to stop me from doing what I want to do!” Said before I learned that there are psychopaths out there who will disable your car so you can’t leave, and yeah I was suspicious when it kept happening but who would do something like that?? and any one I told my suspicions to looked at me like I was nuts. And once it starts happening how do you get away? I walked miles just to prove he could not keep me locked up, I refused to accept it, but I was helpless to stop it and the friends drifted away.
  12. “There are resources for victims of abuse, if they really want to leave there is help out there for them.” Boy was I ever wrong! there are not near enough beds in shelters, and even if you do manage to get a bed, most shelters only let you stay 30 days, not near long enough to have your life back together. Welfare in Canada only pays $610/month, you have PTSD, likely have some illness because you are run down, you can’t possibly start a new job when you are crying, paranoid, not sleeping, on meds for your nerves and any number of other issues you are dealing with. Let alone that most women leave with nothing and are facing a lengthy legal battle.
  13. “The cops are there to help, they will take the abuser away and she can get a restraining order to keep him away.” Restraining orders aren’t worth the paper they are written on. They only work with law abiding people, a narcissist sees them as a challenge. If an abuser wants to get you, he will find away. The cops will not remove him from the house unless you have obviously been physically abused, he can steal from you, torture you mentally, refuse to leave the house even though you have repeatedly asked him to and the police will not help you. You are told to serve him with an eviction notice or take him to civil court. 
  14. “If she is in such danger why doesn’t she leave?”  THE most danger time in an abusive relationship is when the victim decides to leave. 70% of domestic homicides happen within 2 years of the victim leaving their abuser.
  15. “Abuse is an “anger management problem” the abuser loses control and the victim must not know when to walk away from the fight.” Abuse has nothing to do with the abuser “losing control”, he is very capable of controlling his anger. If someone came to the door while he is beating his partner he could shut it off like a switch and be Mr Congeniality. The couple can be out and having a great time but as soon as they get home or on the way home he switches on the anger. He is perfectly capable of controlling his anger. She does not provoke his anger, she can try everything in her power to avoid his anger and appease him, refuse to take the bait, but if he is itching for a fight, he is going to have a fight and there is nothing she can do to stop it.
  16. “If a guy gets jealous he really loves the woman.”  Jealousy has absolutely nothing to do with love and everything to do with control and ownership of a person.
  17. “I am good at judging someone’s character, I would never get taken in by an abuser, the minute a man starts to control me I kick him to the curb.” Those guys were amateurs! abuser wannabee’s ; I had no idea what a really abusive man was like, I had never dealt with someone without a conscience or moral code of conduct.
  18. “A narcissist, what is a narcissist again? oh yeah, that guy who fell in love with his own reflection. I would never get involved with a narcissist! I hate egotistical guys, used car salesman types or pompous lawyers, they turn me right off.”  Narcissists are MUCH more dangerous and toxic than simply being an egotistical asshole, the devil never arrives wearing red and carrying a pitch fork, he comes dressed as your soul mate, and makes you feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
  19. “I have nothing to lose by giving him a second chance.”  Even when you have nothing left materially, and you think you have hurt all you can hurt and cried all the tears in your body; you always have more to lose, you can always hurt more and you always have more tears.
  20. “I would recognize a psychopath, they all look like ……………. well they all look like ……psychopaths! I am careful about my safety and would never put myself in the position of being with a psychopath” We all know a psychopath or two or 6, they are all around us, they do not have a scarlet “P” tattooed on their forehead. They don’t wear ski masks or hockey helmets, they don’t sneer at you and hiss, they aren’t all in jail. In fact most of them avoid jail their whole lives, avoid detection all together, they just leave a trail of destruction behind them where ever they go and victims in a heap on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. I did not know that people actually exist who do not have a conscience, no guilt, no remorse, no empathy. There are people in this world that do not have a “good side” . There are people in the world who can not change or be rehabilitated. There is not good in every one.

The biggest lie I told myself and the hardest one to accept was wrong was that everyone has good in them, you just have to dig sometimes.

The truth is

There are people on this earth who do not, never have had; a good side.  

Domestic Abuse Awareness Mug

You can buy a coffee mug to help raise awareness by following this link

I Keep Praying For God To Give Me A Sign

god removes people

“I keep praying for God to give me a sign”, was a comment made by a woman on my Face Book. I was immediately transported 15 years back in time; ………I am in my garden, about a year into my relationship with James, with tears streaming down my cheeks, a glass of wine in one hand and my garden rake in the other, face to the sky, pleading for God to please give me a some sort of sign telling me what I should do. I don’t know what kind of sign I was expecting, writing in the sky? a bolt of lightening? a booming voice saying, “Run you fool run!!” God can only do so much and I wanted some sort of undeniable concrete evidence that I should leave or stay.

For 9 years I prayed for God to give me a sign. Looking back I can imagine God slapping his forehead in frustration wishing he could slap ME upside the head with a 2×4. As I was sounding like a broken record, crying, begging for a sign telling me what I should do; I can imagine God wanting to scream, “What more do you want?? You don’t want the truth so stop asking for it!”

It isn’t that God didn’t give me signs, tons of them, time after time after time………

  •  I had never snooped on a partner in my life but out of the blue I was hit by some force to check James’ barrack box. When I opened the box there was a notebook right on top. I opened the notebook at a random page that described how he had hit the young girl he had always told me left him for no reason. His words jumped out at me, “Just like all the rest, she wouldn’t shut up; so I hit her.” He went on to describe how when they got home he took the phone in the bedroom and called her family and friends and complained about her. How he was cold and uncaring and went to sleep leaving her crying, pregnant and alone. He left to do a run the next morning and called her 1/2 way through the next day to say, “I love you” and she had replied, “You woke me up to say that?” and hung up. She never answered the phone again and when he got home the apartment was empty and she was gone. Did I take it as a sign that I should also pack my bags and run? Oh no, I took it to mean I should prove to him I wasn’t going to leave him. I knew how much he loved me, how much her leaving had hurt him; after all he had told me, no woman had ever loved him like I did. He had thought he had loved before but I had shown him what true love was all about.
  • Or when time after time some bizarre “co-incidence” would reveal another one of his lies.
  • Or when, while looking for scrap paper I found proof he had forged my signature and altered my police statement.
  • Or when I accidentally ran into the guy who was on the way to the bank to get the money to buy a truck from James, MY truck.
  • Or how every time we split I did SO much better financially and everything I needed was miraculously given to me.

I could go on and on, after all it was 10 years of gas lighting, living with Jekyll and Hyde, “I love you today”, “I keep telling you my love is cycleable”, “I can’t live with your warped view of reality” “I can’t live with your dysfunctional way of thinking”, “Of course I am looking for other women, look what I live with.” “I wouldn’t look elsewhere if you trusted me”. How many times did he tell me it was over? how many times did I leave just to have him beg me back, making promises he never kept? How many personal ads did I find without even having to look for them? How many jobs did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many friends did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many times did we move to another town to get a “fresh start”?

Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother

How many signs did I need? I ignored the obvious signs that I was with one majorly fucked up psychopath and chose to interpret obscure “signs” to mean I should stay.

  • Like, every time we had a big fight he injured himself.
  • Or how every time we had a major fight or split up my truck broke down and I had to call James to rescue me.

And I interpreted it to mean God was showing us that we needed each other and should stay together.

  • I had 3 vehicles stolen in as many years and I found spare transfer and tax forms he had forged my signature on.
  • My brake line broke 3 times in 5 years, plus numerous other suspicious mechanical failures.

I totally pushed the thought out of my mind that he was responsible for it all, which would have proven without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was fricken nuts and dangerous!!

We all have free will and we all can choose to interpret answers to our prayers any way we want. When God answers prayers, he does not always give us the answer we want to hear. And if we are honest with ourselves, we don’t need God to give us answers; all we need to do is face the truth that keeps slapping us across the face.

My Biggest Mistake

My biggest mistake throughout the last 15+ years has been over estimating my ability to over come adversity.  But I always had money or at least credit, I failed to realize the although money does not buy happiness it does buy you options.

Money gives you the option to take a chance and if it doesn’t work out you can always change your mind and it does give you some insulation from the assholes of the world. They don’t even have to be assholes, there are people in the world who really don’t understand the harm they do when they gossip, back stab or make you the scapegoat to further their cause. It is these people who assist the narcissist in his campaign to destroy his victim.

Years ago when I owed my house at Cultus Lake my mom owned the little house next door and rented it out. I became friends with the woman next door and we even exchanged house keys for those times that one of us was away so the other could check on the house, water plants; you know. Well, she started coming in and out of my house to borrow things while I was at work and then she got upset because I didn’t force my son to play with her son who was several years younger than my son. Kris did play with her son but I didn’t see why my son should have to play with he son every single time he went outside. It got ridiculous, to the point where she would not talk to me and then she called my mom to complain about it. What the hell was she thinking? I owed my house and she was renting from my mother? needless to say they had to move.

Another time, I naively bought a new townhouse. I had a big black Border Collie, who was trained to shit in our own yard and I always picked up after her; but because she was bigger than any other dog in the complex she was the most noticeable and got blamed for every turd in the place. I went to leave for work one morning and almost stepped in a big pile of turds on my front door mat. Someone had taken the time, in the middle of the night to collect all the turds in the complex and deposit them on my doorstep. Everyday the stay at home mother’s would say good bye to their husbands and then congregate in the center of the complex and talk about everyone else. I was on their hit list because of my dog and because I had the nerve to lay patio bricks in my back yard without approval and planted flowers. I tried to ignore them but the shit on my step was too much and I moved. I rented out my townhouse and bought a bigger house in town. I had enough equity and money in savings, plus a stellar credit rating so was able to do it.

I made some wise decisions and some not so wise decisions but I was always able to save my own butt because I had money, credit, or the ability to make more money.

I think many women who get involved with a narcissist are much like I was, independent and able to rescue themselves if they make a bad decision. I had a false sense of confidence in my ability to recoup and so unwittingly walked right into the narcissist’s web. I always thought I could afford to give a bit more and when I had invested everything I had materially and financially I thought, “What have I got to lose by trying again?”

When my trailer was sold and I had no where to go and James came back promising all the things I had longed to hear for years I thought, “What have I got to lose? I have a successful business, if he falls back into his old ways I will just leave.” I under estimated his determination to destroy me.

I suspected he was lying, I had a sense of impending doom in my gut but I thought it was because he was going to break my heart NOT that he had come back to destroy my life and my ability to support myself.

Never in a million years did I think he came back with the soul purpose of bleeding me dry and destroying my business and my reputation. He kept saying “you always do better without me.” I knew it bothered him because it was true, I didn’t know he would work behind the scenes making sure I couldn’t survive without him, by the time I realized the truth; it was far too late.

Even after he got his new target he worked on destroying any hope of help that I could access including anonymous complaints to landlords, bosses, and welfare. My family helped me until they can no longer.

Those of you who are on my FaceBook know that I had my medical records transferred here and I recently went to the doctor to discuss my file and found out some things I had never been told before by any doctors. I have a blockage of a main artery that needs surgery and I will need a pace maker. I am being sent for more tests in a couple of weeks. A spot on my lung is another concern that he is checking out. I found this out this Monday.

I have been really sick with a flu for two weeks but the day before I got sick I found out I have to move by the 1st of Feb. Then m son got a job in Fort St John, and he is moving this weekend. He is taking his dog and will not be back in Clearwater, he is gone. It is a job he can’t turn down and I understand that, it is a wonderful job that could set him up for life but none the less, I am now stuck in a town away from everyone I love and know without a dime.

He needs all his money to fly his dog out with him and to live on until his first pay. The guy who signed the lease on the house wants me gone by the 1st and I am stuck. I am homeless as of Monday and I have no idea where to go or what to do.

Lack of money has taken away all my options. I do’t want to lose Stella but have no way of feeding her or putting a roof over my head let alone with a big dog with me.

Everyone here has kept me going for years now. Without the moral and financial support of you all I would have not survived this long. I am asking one last time, if anyone can help in anyway I am desperate. I hate to ask, I am struggling so hard to stay positive but everything looks very bleak right now. I am scared, really scared.

I started this blog in hopes that sharing my experiences would help others. Learn from my mistakes, you have more to lose, always. Don’t ever under estimate the depths of evil a narcissist will go to destroy you.

Another life lesson I have learned is gossip can be deadly, I never liked gossip, never partook in gossip but I always thought living my life honestly and openly would protect me from idle gossip but when you don’t have options, gossip can ruin a life.

I keep remembering something James said to me, “You always make me sound like an asshole.” I had replied, “If telling the truth makes you sound like an asshole, then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

 

What you should do…

I read an excellent article this morning and had to pass it along to all you who are still struggling with leaving or maintaining no contact.
I can not tell you how many times I fell off the “no contact wagon” or how many times I swore “this time it is truly over, I won’t go back” only to get a call from him a few days later and fall into his arms again full of hope and thoughts of “Maybe this time he means it, maybe the light finally went on for him and he has realized how much I love him and he loves me.” I can’t count how many times friends shook their heads when they found out I had gone back or stayed or they just laughed when I said I was done with him.
Everyone has the answer and no one seems to understand the control he has over you, not even you. All you can do is keep educating yourself, keep self counseling, keep trying to stay no contact. If you fall off the wagon, don’t beat yourself up, just get back on and try again. You CAN do this, you HAVE to do this if you ever want to find peace and happiness. How do I know? because I have been there. The longer you are in contact with him the more you lose, financially, emotionally and mentally. You. Can. Do. This. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Source: What you should do…

David Bowie And Thoughts On Life

I love Peter’s writing but he managed to out do himself with this piece.

countingducks

As we all know, unless we are hiding in a cave somewhere pretending to be a pot of jam, David Bowie died recently. He was not, to be honest, my favourite musician of all time but I love some of his music and he was an undeniably talented man who interacted with the world around him almost until his last breath: something I admire deeply. He reminds me of the urgent, telling words of Dylan Thomas,

“Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

On many levels,  Bowie was a deeply private and unknowable character and his cremation pretty much took place in secret, and in as unmarked a manner as he could manage, but his desire to understand, create and communicate through music was undimmed almost until his last breath. He reminded…

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