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Spiritual Growth and Emotional Maturity Comes From Pain

I can hear a chorus of “I will stay emotionally stunted thank you”. This kind of education is not what I need, whatever I am supposed to learn from this CAN NOT be worth this kind of pain”

clarity

 

 

 

 

 

 

You say that because you have never felt truly at peace. 

I have said many times before and I fear that I sound a little whacked out, but for many people there is a wonderful reward at the end of your healing journey. Something about suffering brings us to a beautiful place of self awareness and compassion for others where we relax and know without doubt that we deserve to be treated with respect, we know our boundaries and we defend them without doubt, we trust our gut and although we care about people and the world, ultimately we don’t care enough that we would jeopardize our principles and ideals for anyone. 

storm

As much as no one can be blamed for the abuse of the narcissist we stay with them because we need or want something from them.

- Maybe with some victims it is the fact that by comparison we look really good. We get stuck in martyrdom, being victims relieves us of being responsible for our behavior (he made me do it), if we are so busy fixing someone else we can’t look at ourselves and no one else will either. If he is always sabotaging the relationship we can’t be blamed if we aren’t a good partner or if he is always in crisis we don’t have to worry about our own shit.

 - The pain has become part of us, without it we don’t know where we belong, what our purpose is, we have made the narcissist our purpose in life. That is unhealthy even with the healthiest of people, we should never made someone else our purpose to live, to be happy, to feel useful and valued. YES love them, want the best for them, support them in their dreams, encourage BUT when you are constantly cleaning up their messes, explaining why what they are doing is not working for them, when you are constantly having to check up on them, make excuses for them, and you are thinking, “He would be lost without me, I can fix him, he has so much potential he just needs me to bring it out” ; it is not a loving mature relationship. You are parenting your partner, not loving them in a healthy way, in fact you are being an over protective parent.

When you are constantly fixing the problems your child makes your child never learns from their mistakes and that is the same with your adult relationships. When we fix things for those we love we are in essence telling them that we don’t believe they can do it themselves. We are showing them that we feel they are incompetent. If they don’t pick up the ball and fix their own problems, then they should live with the consequences. If they leave us because we didn’t bail them out financially or because we protected our boundaries, then so be it because it is not a healthy relationship of give and take, mutual respect and will not be able to grow. You spend your life parenting your spouse and being disappointed by them, until they drain you and move on.

You must remember that you are dealing with a 3 year old in an adult body. Most 3 year olds learn from their mistakes, grow empathy, learn right from wrong and slowly we teach them how to function in society and be responsible caring adults. A narcissist does not mature, he stays at 3 years old emotionally which is very scary, a full grown person, usually highly intelligent, with good looks or exceptional charm, who has mastered imitating emotions of others yet has the need for immediate gratification like a 3 year old. I don’t know about you but I sure the hell wouldn’t want to raise a 3 year old for the rest of my life.

- Three year old’s will tell you they hate you one minute because you said they have to eat dinner before desert but they will have their temper tantrum and a few minutes later they love you again. They will come up to you and give you a great big hug and say, “I sure love you mommy, can I have a cookie?” They will blame other children for things they did. They tattle tail on the other kids, if they don’t like a toy and haven’t played with it for months, the minute you decide to give it to charity they throw a fit and they can’t live without that toy.

Any hope of reasoning with them is usually pointless and you do what? Give them a time out? send them for a nap? If they throw a fit you are able to physically pack them into another room kicking and screaming, but when the 3 year old is 6′ tall and weighs 190 lbs, good luck!!

- The other reason you might stay is; you have so much time and money invested you are afraid that the minute you leave him the magical transformation will occur and all your efforts will be reaped by the next woman. You just KNOW that all your efforts are going to pay off sooner or later and the longer you hang in the more determined you are to see payoff for your investment. Like the gambler who has lost it all at the casino but knows the machine has to pay off eventually and he is willing to mortgage the house in order to gamble until he wins back what he lost. In most cases he ends up losing everything and all the people who loved him.

Another reason is your self worth is dependent on his approval, for the first time in your life you felt loved for who you were, just as you were, unconditionally and totally. You felt beautiful and adored and you don’t want it to stop. You think no man will ever love you like he did, no one else could possible love you just the way you are. Why not? Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect and they all find love, why wouldn’t you? What if he died, would your self esteem and worth die with him? It is time to find your worth and believe in it.

And then there is “I stay because I love him” I was there, I was just too dang stubborn to give up, I was not going to give up on this relationship. I didn’t want to change him, I “just want him to be the man I fell in love with” NOT AN OPTION!! sorry.

I think I was a combo of all the excuses plus I am an Aries through and through and they are a stubborn lot, I hate to give up, at times I went back to him and I didn’t even know why, because he asked? I knew it wasn’t going to be any different but I had been fighting for it for so long, I lost sight of the fact that he was not what I wanted any more. There was pride stuffed in there somewhere, along with jealousy, and disillusionment, (I was determined to not give up my fairy tale) and I felt sorry for him many times.

It is said that a person will go through the same experience over and over again until they learn the lesson, even if that means they have to relive it in the next life. Oh Lord, help me! I do not want to do this again!!

mindful

I watched this TedX Talks this morning and I could see myself in it so clearly and I thought, “that is what I am trying to convey to the people on my blog”. Watch it here.

The way she refused to give up her dream of having a child, the angels that were put in her path to try and guide her yet she clung steadfast to her dream; to get pregnant. I clung to James like that, no matter what else came along, who came into myself I was so focused on that one goal I didn’t see the signs I was being sent or if I did I ignored the message. I knew that every time I was away from James I was successful, it was pretty obvious, he picked up in it, everyone did after a while, Whenever I was with him I had to run with a permit on my truck because I couldn’t afford the insurance. Every time I was on my own I had a place to live but if I went back to him sure as shooting we ended up homeless, away from him my truck ran, with him it was always breaking down. Without him my life was calm with him my life was always in chaos. AND on top of all that, he treated me like crap! What was I thinking? I didn’t want to hurt, I knew it wasn’t going to work, I knew what he was doing, I knew I wasn’t happy but damn it I didn’t want to hurt. It is comparable to my fear of dentists, I suffered years with tooth aches and abscessed teeth and ashamed of my teeth,unable to smile because I was afraid of the dentist. But it was an inevitability, it was not going to go away on its own, I was going to have to go to the dentist so why prolong it? But I did and I ended up having to have extensive painful work done that probably would have been less painful if I had gone sooner. Some times life sucks and we have to do things we don’t want to do but we have no choice and so it is with the narcissist. You don’t have to like it, you can go kicking and screaming or you can hang on for dear life. You are a big person, I am not here to convince you to leave your partner, I am here to give you the heads up I didn’t have, the knowledge of what you are dealing with. How can you be expected to make a major life decision if you don’t have the facts? I am here to give you the facts and then it is up to you. 

There are web sites that seem dedicated to being a place where victims of narcissistic abuse can congregate and all bitch about the abuse they all suffer because of the N. Every one knows what they are dealing with but no one changes their situation they just have a place to have a pity party. 

I will bring whine and cheese to your pity party if its because you are having a hard time with no contact, or you are having self doubt, but if you choose to stay with the N I get tired of sounding like a broken record.

You will either learn the lesson this life time or the next.

Some people might even leave the N and still not learn the lesson they were supposed to learn and they will end up in another relationship with a narcissist. The narcissist is just the catalyst for motivating you to seek the lesson you are supposed to learn, he is not the lesson! That is why although learning about the narcissist is critical to you so you know what you are dealing with but to learn the lesson you have to dig deep in yourself and get to know yourself intimately. The N unconsciously does some of the work for you (sssh don’t tell him that, he will take all the credit for your spiritual growth). The N tears you to shreds and leaves you in a million tiny pieces and that is when the lesson starts, when the hard work starts. You start putting those pieces together, putting you together again trait by trait, mistake by mistake, lie by lie (lies we were told about ourselves by parents, friends, lovers and ourselves). I have discussed the process many times and the post can be found in the category names Self Improvement and Self Discovery. 

Happy Healing!! peaceful

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I Still Believe In Love

With all the talk of abuse, pathological liars, infidelity, manipulation and heart ache it is easy to get jaded about love. So many victims say they will never trust another man or love again, they are afraid to trust their own good judgement. 

It is understandable, and I felt the same way not long ago but as much as I hate what James did to me and continues to try to do; I loved loving him. 

To love unconditionally is a wonderful feeling. I am not sorry I loved him because it taught me a lot about myself. I didn’t know I could love someone that much. I had been very much in love before, especially with my first husband. I never thought I would love like that again. I carried a torch for him for 5 years, we both loved each other very much but when we tried again after 5 years it was best left a memory, time had changed both of us.

I loved other men, but it was never with the same passion. Until I met James. James was the best of every man I had ever dated, all the good stuff and very little bad. Enough edge to keep me interested and enough tenderness to balance it out. He was easy, we were easy, we flowed together, we “got” each other and played off of each other with our humor, we didn’t have many friends, both in a new town but we liked spending time together. We laughed a lot, even through the worst of times. 

Maybe James was a facade, maybe his love was a sham but my love was true and for a long time I didn’t care if he loved me back, as long as I could go on loving him. It sounds pitiful now but I remember thinking, I don’t care if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him as long as he is in my life. There is something freeing about loving someone that much. It takes a strong person to love that unconditionally and I had never loved like that before. 

People can say, “But it wasn’t love, it was a sham.” maybe for him but for me it was love and that is all I need to know. 

They call it trauma bonding or Stockholm Syndrome but there is something that happens when people suffer through a disaster or tragedy; it often creates a bond and loyalty that is almost impermeable. I knew every ugly thing about James (or thought I did) and I still loved him and he saw me at my worst, we had been through so much together (I know now that a lot of it was orchestrated by him but at the time it seemed like we had managed to overcome so much together) and broken up so many times and always got back together; I just felt “why fight it? why does he fight it so hard? why can’t we just figure it out?” When I went back the last time I decided I was not leaving him this time no matter what happened, I had no idea how bad it could get. 

Anyway back to what I was saying about trauma bonding people. You look at hazing at school, football teams, the army recruits, cults, gangs, any time a group wants loyalty from its members they make the new member pass an initiation which most often centers around abuse and degradation of some sort. I mean you read in the news about young men dying during hazings. There have been many stories of horrendous abuse inflicted in the name of “loyalty to the team, gang, whatever”. 

Riot Breaks Out After Game In Vancouver

The famous couple kissing in the middle of the Stanley Cup riot in Vancouver in 2011.

What am I getting at? I am not sure, except I am not ashamed of loving James, if he was even capable of grasping what love is; he would have to respect me for the way I loved him.  I don’t envy him because his life is full of turmoil, lying, covering his lies, manipulation, pretending, its all about image and how things look, not what is inside. I know now that it wasn’t that he didn’t love ME he can’t love anyone. I don’t pity him either. 

He was smart to pretend to be something he wasn’t because he was right, I never would have dated him if he would have been himself in the beginning and he knew it. He knew I was too good for him. I wasn’t stupid, I wasn’t co-dependent, I fell in love and I am a strong woman who doesn’t give up on the people I love. My brother could not had a more loving sister, no mother has ever loved their son more than I loved mine, that’s just me. 

I say that I doubt I will ever fall in love again. Seeing as I am not looking it would have to be an act of God to bring it about, but I don’t doubt that if that is what God has planned he will find a way for it to happen, I don’t know if I want to share my life any more. Relationships take work and I want to work on my own life and interests right now. I don’t know if that is going to change some day. 

God, I would love to make love to a man I love, I would love to get butterflies in my stomach to see his car come in the driveway, to put my head on a strong shoulder.  But now more than ever I don’t want to settle for anything less than unconditional love, because I don’t need a man to complete me or make me feel worthy and I don’t care if I have a date Saturday night, the only thing left is love.

The moment I realized I still believed in love was while watching the XFactor last year. The young couple, Alex and Sierra; who won it are only in their early 20′s and incredibly talented but they were also so down to earth and so very much in love.A girlfriend of mine got me started watching them  on X-Factor, she said you HAVE to watch this couple and I fell in love with them immediately, not only their talent but their love. 

They met when she was walking down the sidewalk at the beach and he was with buddies and playing his guitar while he sat on the bumper of his truck. He was singing this song by Jason Mraz  and right when he sang “I am yours” Sierra walked by and their eyes met. Sierra went back to her girlfriends and called “dibs” on the guy playing guitar.

He played and sang in a band and she would go and watch him, finally he convinced her to sing a bit with him and then they went on X Factor and the rest is history.

I believe in love even more than I ever did but the thought of never loving someone again in my life does not make me sad. I loved with everything I had in me and then some, I did a remarkable job of it when I look back at what I had to deal with and I have had a very full and wonderful single life. I dated some really great guys, I broke a few hearts and been through some tough times but I do not regret a day of any of it. 

Crazy as it may seem to some people.

Maybe it is because I have only had one abusive relationship and had dated a lot before I met James, maybe I am a hopeless romantic, but I know there are good men out there, I know they are not all narcissists and maybe there are a lot of narcissists out there and I want to protect as many people as I can by warning them that N’s exist but I don’t ever want to stop believing in love.

Alex and Sierra sing a song that puts chills down my back, it reminds me of James and me, about 1/2 through she just belts it out and that’s where the chills kick in. You can listen to it here.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Sara Bareilles – Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


Invasion of the Baby Snatchers

Carrie Reimer:

I didn’t know this was going on, I am appalled. It is heart breaking. It is too horrific to get my head around. Have we as a society not learned anything? is there no justice? Just a bunch of narcissists running the world and everyone else busy trying to dodge bullets?

Originally posted on C C P Exposed:

This is a piece well written and well worth the time to read.
http://chrisspivey.org/invasion-of-the-baby-snatchers-2/

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I Didn’t Know My Own Strength – Whitney Houston

Carrie Reimer:

None of us know our own strength until we are tested. If it was easy it wouldn’t be called strength. You never know how strong you are until you think you aren’t strong enough but everyday somehow you make it through; and you look back and wonder how you ever survived it. But you did, you are stronger than you know, stronger than “he” gave you credit for, and you are strong enough.

Originally posted on Picking Up the Pieces:

What’s it like to find yourself trapped in darkness so thick you can’t breathe from the choking, so dense you can hardly move, yet somehow you managed to break free of the shackles that have you bound, immobilized, and ensnared?

What’s is like to find yourself emotionally naked, gashed open, and so vulnerable you felt like your heart had been ripped out of your chest, yet you somehow managed to reclaim the core of who you are and rebuild yourself and patch the hole left inside?

What’s it like being chained in the abyss, darkness enveloping you except for the sole dust-laden beam of light cascading through, falling upon your head, as the lions, ravenous and desperate in hunger, lurk around you, encircle you, and prepare to pounce, yet somehow you are stolen away to safety at the right time in your hour of need?

What’s it like be cast…

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