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Acceptance

Dating a narcissist requires a lot of acceptance.

Gradually over time the narcissist challenges the victim to accept the unacceptable. In my experience, the wospos accused me of being inflexible and judgemental, he also said that he had a hard time dealing with my negativity; that I always focussed on the negative and should be thankful for what I had.  His favorite saying was,”We are fed and watered aren’t we?” And he couldn’t handle MY warped views of reality.

I had never been accused of being a negative person, I had overcome adversity in my life, more than most people and didn’t let circumstances get me down. I always found a way to make ends meet, wasn’t afraid to work hard for things I wanted, I was motivated, not negative.

His mother praised his resilience. But was it resilience or lack of motivation? Was it resilience or a lack of principles? Was it resilience or out of touch with reality? When a person has the education and skills to make $30 an hour but they get fired from every job for stealing and end up living in squalor; is that resilience or refusal to live within the confines of what society deems acceptable behavior.

Typically a narcissist abhors rules and will seemingly go out of his way to break them; as if to prove he is above the laws other members of society abide by. I actually grew to dread walking out my door because the minute I did I had all the neighbors coming to  me with complaints about JC, how he had been up all night welding, banging, air compressor going, lights on; keeping everyone on the street awake. I would apologize and promise to talk to him, but every time I did talk to him about it he accused me of picking a fight and denied he was bothering the neighbors. I started telling people that if they had a problem with JC they should talk directly to him because I had no control over his actions and in fact he would, “shoot the messenger.”

For many years I made excuses for JC, he was highly intelligent and I knew that often times people who are near genius are rather eccentric, don’t need as much sleep as most people and  have a tendency to get bored with the mundane. I rationalized that he had been raised on a farm in Saskatchewan and hadn’t had to accommodate neighbors near by and that was why he didn’t consider the neighbors when he worked out in his shop at all hours. I blamed his upbringing to a degree because he was never taught to respect other people’s rights. His mother had told me that even as a wee child she would find him out in the shop in the middle of the night. One time when I was telling her about the neighbors being upset with JC for keeping them awake all night her response had been, “People are going to have to learn to accept that that’s just the way JC is.” and I had asked her, “But Mom, when does JC have to accept that people don’t have to accept him just the way he is?” She didn’t have an answer to that question but I figured I had my answer to why he was the way he was.

If a person is never taught how to be considerate how do they know? So I set about teaching him common decency. I found myself explaining things like, “If you take someone else’s possessions they will get pissed off and call you a thief.” It is not a “misunderstanding” when you take stuff that doesn’t belong to you. “It hurts me when you have personal ads, I consider it cheating.” “People call you a bullshitter when you lie about your accomplishments and embellish your past experiences, you are great the way you are, you don’t have to lie to impress people”. “I love you just the way you are, so will other people, but when you lie people lose respect for you, you become a joke and you have no need to lie.”

If you find yourself explaining to a full-grown man that lying is wrong, infidelity hurts you, stealing makes people angry and he should call if he isn’t going to be home at night; RUN!!

I think maybe he learned over the years that this behavior worked against him in the long run and he did get better at following some common decency rules of society. Or maybe he stopped doing things because I stopped reacting and stopped trying to do damage control so it fell on his shoulders and he got sick of dealing with angry neighbors. Mind you, the last year we were together we lived on a farm and he had gotten a 1970 Impala and was awake at after midnight revving the engine, over and over,here to tell him to shut it down; I was going to let him suffer the consequences of his action. After about an hour of this constant revving I was getting angry, it was as if he was doing it hoping for a reaction. I could not believe the neighbors weren’t reacting. I had my hand on the door, just about to walk out there when I heard a man’s voice, “What the Fuck are you doing? I have to work at 6 am!!” Then I heard JC, “Do you like my new car? Listen to it.” and he revved it again. I couldn’t believe his audacity and slid the door open a crack so I could hear better and call the police if the neighbor started beating him with a baseball bat or something. Then I heard a woman’s voice, “I live two houses away and I have been laying in bed for over an hour listening to you rev your engine. Shut that fucking thing off now and go to bed or I will call the police.” I could see her storm off down the driveway, wearing her house coat and slippers. I couldn’t hear the rest of what was said but the man went home and JC came inside and I pretended I didn’t know what happened. After that he was a lot quieter and the neighbor lady had actually come to me and said she appreciated that JC had been quiet at night ever since. I sat in the trailer listening to him, knowing full well that the neighbors were getting pissed off but I swore I was NOT going to go out t

That is not to say you  can teach the narcissist how to be a decent person, it only means that they can learn that certain behavior does not pay off for them, that is not empathy; in fact it is fine tuning their ability to manipulate others and go undetected for a longer period of time. Many narcissists/psychopaths are passive aggressive and have learned over time that obvious displays of anger works against them so they will seek revenge by destroying your property or making you miss an important event, etc As a narcissist ages he learns how to cover his true intentions better, they memorize more responses, have more practice faking appropriate emotions and have learned what behavior will get them in trouble. Many N’s are jealous, I never saw that in James, I didn’t think he was the least bit jealous and he always said jealousy was a wasted emotion. Yet upon reflection, with all the facts I see how he masked it, he had a tracking device on my truck, hacked into my phone, had hidden cameras and tape recorders, he sabotaged my truck to keep me at home. I never once got home before him and I always wondered how he managed to avoid getting home before me, but I know now he was tracking where I was. When I discovered he had hidden the camera and his sister and I figured out he was listening in on our conversations I should have been irate but I wasn’t, I thought it was silly, and laughed because I had nothing to hide and it must be pretty boring for him. I once again accepted unhealthy unacceptable behavior and didn’t view it as dangerous or controlling.

Studies have shown that children as young as 3 can be diagnosed with psychopathic tendencies because by that age children are developing empathy. You can see it in little babies, when one cries the others will join in. You can see empathy in animals, a dog will lay it’s head on your lap if you are sad or can pick up on the fact that you are sick and will lay quietly by your side. Empathy is a natural instinct of most creatures, whales, dolphins, dogs, children; if your partner, an adult can not see his actions are hurtful, do you really think you are going to be able to teach him empathy? What makes you so special that you are going to be able to accomplish something no one else has been able to do in the 20-40 years this person has been alive? Like in my case, I found myself thinking, “Why am I explaining basic common decency to a 40-year-old man?” The longer I was with JC the more came out about his past and the more I realized this man was just not normal and I was never going to be able to change his way of thinking, in fact I began to realize that he enjoyed the pain he caused. Simple things would hit me. Like when his sister had skin cancer on her face and his mother called to say his sister was having a really hard time because it had left a really bad scar. I suggested he send her a nice card and flowers or something and he had said, No, cards weren’t really his thing, it was something his sister would do. I said, “Exactly!! your sister likes cards, I am suggesting you do something nice for your sister. This isn’t about what YOU want.”

He used to talk about how he suspected his ex of cheating and he could not be with someone he could not trust yet he had many affairs with married women and had no problem cheating on me or the other women he dated. When I tried to explain why him having a personal ad on POF was so hurtful to me and used the analogy of how would he feel if the roles were reversed I got a blank stare. After we split and he was with the new woman he told me that he couldn’t talk to me any more because M got upset about it and he had the audacity to say, “You must understand, after all if you were in her shoes you wouldn’t like it either.” They have a habit of memorizing lines they hear from you and repeating them back to you later, which is totally frustrating!!

I learned to pick my battles and let some stuff go, what was really important to me? was it really my problem how he did business? I rationalized that if the neighbors were upset with him, it had nothing to do with me and I should let him deal with their anger and maybe he would learn from his mistakes but he didn’t seem to be a very fast learner and in fact seemed to do things purposely to anger my landlord or neighbors and eventually it would become my problem anyway. If I was evicted because of him, it was my problem.

If he pissed someone off in a business deal and they came after him to beat him up or kill him it became my problem pretty quickly. If he stole from people and they knew he was my boyfriend it was unlikely I would get their business hauling their scrap. It became glaringly obvious the time he stole a trailer from a business next door to where he and I had done a job, the guys saw him come back and take the trailer and they had my phone number and had looked up my address. I ended up leaving my house and driving around because they threatened to come over and wait for JC to show up and I could not convince them that I knew nothing about JC taking a trailer and didn’t know when I would see him again. My calls to JC landed on deaf ears and he eventually stopped answering his phone and totally ignored my pleas for him to take the trailer back because these guys were coming over and I was in danger.  It was at that point I realized, finally, that JC was not the least bit concerned about me or my safety and he would have let these guys do whatever to me because he just didn’t give a shit.

People assume that you are a couple and you have some influence over the other person’s actions. I had co-workers of his come to me and ask me to talk to JC about calling if he wasn’t going to show up for work, his family members calling to get me to have him call them, friends coming to me because they were angry with him, neighbors and landlords demanding I do something about him.

He was so good at denying and coming up with some plausible excuse why he didn’t think it was stealing, I couldn’t help but give him the benefit of doubt and obviously many other people felt the same way because he would get fired from jobs for stealing but he was never formally charged by anyone. When the N doesn’t get charged by the people he steals from the victim has even more reason to doubt their perception of events. Had anyone ever charged him with stealing maybe I would have trusted my instincts more, but he always got off.

JC will tell everyone that he got me started in scrap and he gave me all his customers and connections which is almost funny because in actual fact I hid the fact that he was my boyfriend because I was afraid to be associated with him for fear he had stolen from someone or they had heard about him. In two separate cases I was given the contract to haul the customer’s scrap because for a long time they hadn’t had anyone hauling for them because they had been ripped off so badly by some guy named James they hadn’t allowed anyone on their property since.

I became really torn, how could I be involved with a man I was ashamed to be associated with? What did that say about me? my principles? If I knew he was breaking the law did that not make me as guilty for accepting it? It was after the trailer incident, when my life had been threatened yet again that it finally sunk in and I dumped him, moved and refused to allow him to visit me in my new place. I still had a hard time staying away from him but would meet him for something to eat, would talk to him every day but I was able to stay firm about not allowing him to move into my new place and he finally left the province and I was relieved.

It was easy to do no contact because I wasn’t seeing him everywhere and before he left he had come to me and asked if he could use my shower and do a load of laundry, he had flowers and was all sweet, like they can be; and I allowed him in and yes, we had sex, he said he loved me and I left for work and made him leave the same time as me. He left the next day without a word and sent an email a couple of days later saying that he had thought it was best he leave that way. I sent him a scathing reply and promptly blocked him. I then had a gut feeling I should check history on my computer and I was able to get into his POF profile again. (That should not be possible, I didn’t know his password, I just clicked on the link in history and it took me right into his account. Sometimes I swear God intervened in order to give me the information I needed) I found that he had been talking to women for months setting up to meet them in Red Deer, telling some of them that he just had a “gut feeling” they were the one and he always followed his gut feelings. He laid it on really thick with some of them and with those ones I sent a short message of warning, but it was enough for me to really be DONE this time.

I barely shed a tear, I was so done! After 8 years of being evicted because of him, him sabotaging my vehicles, the infidelity, the lying and stealing, my life being threatened, I really was enjoying my life without him. I found it so easy that I had a false sense of security and immunity to his manipulation. I felt I was so “on to him” that he could never suck me in again. But I still didn’t know what I was dealing with. I had read a bit about narcissists but only a list of traits that he seemed to have most of, I still did not know the depths to which they will go for revenge, or that they are incapable of empathy or love. I still assigned him human emotion and thought he had hurt me as much as was humanly possible. I thought I had him all figured out so when he called months later on my land line ( he had never used my landline number but later he confessed that he had called the house because he knew I had didn’t have call display on my house phone) out of the blue, I took the call when I heard his voice on the answering machine.

It was a matter of minutes, had I walked out the door 2 minutes earlier I would have missed the call, I had my hand on the door knob about to walk out on my way to work when I heard the phone ring. I was going to let the answering machine take it but hesitated and heard his voice, I froze, it had been months and the sound of his voice threw me. You have no idea how many times I wish I would have kept walking and just let him leave a message, maybe with the day to think about it I would have been more aware and cautious but no, I ran to get the phone. The battle between my head and heart began. I kept telling myself I didn’t care about him, I was just curious about what lies he was going to tell me this time. I actually couldn’t wait to hear what bullshit story he had concocted. I felt strong and in control, I was doing well with my business, I had been on a couple of dates, I was able to have a conversation with him and get off the phone without any longing. He was in Alberta, and doing well, I was doing well, I had remained friends with ex’s before, had exs call to just see how I was; this was no different.

But I spent the day thinking about him, I told myself that was normal, it didn’t mean anything but then I received an email from him (I had kept in touch with his mother and he got my email address from her) saying how good it had been to talk to me again and he missed me. He started slow, knowing to keep it light, and it worked, the more emails I got, the more friendly phone calls I got, the more I relaxed.

I had missed our conversations, it was the one thing we always had, we could talk for hours, he understood me like no one else ever had. It may sound crazy but I still felt we had a special connection and even if we couldn’t be lovers we could be friends. I remember the day I had the best money-making day I had so far hauling scrap and I knew he could relate so I called him to share my good news and he was excited for me, I could hear it in his voice. You know how you can hear someone smiling over the phone? He was so good at voice inflection, softening his voice when he said he loved me, he had perfected the hesitation in his speech, of someone fighting their feelings of love and finally giving in and admitting against his will that he was still in love with me.

He was accomplishing what he set out to do, he had me thinking about him again, looking forward to his calls, checking to see if he had called. The sound of his voice gave me butterflies again and again I began to feel like we had something a person just doesn’t find everyday, a connection stronger than either of us. He did know me better than any other man ever had, he knew exactly what I needed to hear, he knew how to make me feel like what I had to say was important and he was interested in my life, pleased for me when good things happened and cared if I was unhappy. When he wanted to, he could be the most intuitive  and sensitive guy I had ever been involved with and I fell in love with him all over again.

When he came to town to talk to me, told me he had been given 6 months to live, a part of me didn’t believe him and was saying, “Don’t fall for it!” but then there was the rational, logical part of me saying, “Why would he lie? I hadn’t called him, he is attractive and could have any woman, he doesn’t need me. Why would he apologize for things that happened years ago if he didn’t mean it? If he hadn’t realized how much he loved me and hadn’t changed why would he make such an effort from so far away?” My rational mind told me that sometimes a person doesn’t realize what they had until its gone and this had been the first time since we met that we had been apart and not talked for any length of time, it had been the first time I hadn’t broken down and called him, it was the first time I had been strong and not given in to him, maybe he had time to think about all he had lost. It isn’t easy to find someone who loves you as much as I loved him, sure dating someone new is exciting but to find someone you have a lot in common with, someone who accepts you the way you are and appreciates you for you is not so easy. I thought, “What have I got to lose? I am independent again, I know him inside and out, I can predict what sets him off” and I had to admit I had built a wall around myself, keeping him at arm’s length because I was afraid of being hurt.

He promised total honesty, admitted to everything he had ever done wrong, told me he realized I was the only woman he wanted or would ever need, he cried, and most importantly we had talked for hours about sensitive issues and not once gotten defensive or angry. We were calm and rational and listened to each other and it was so easy for me to feel giving and loving towards him because I felt he was really listening to me. It was very easy for me to see where I had failed him in the relationship when he had been so open and willing to own his mistakes. I thought we had come so far, really grown, that time apart had done us both a lot of good and now that we had admitted and discussed the areas where we had issues and now that we both realized that there was no one better out there, we could commit to “us” 100% and as long as we kept the lines of communication open and we were honest with each other we could make it work. And he had promised total honesty and only asked for time to prove to me he had changed and I told myself that at the first sign of his old behavior I would be strong enough to walk away.

The first 8 years were painful and he was abusive and I had never been as hurt by any other man, I thought there was no way he could hurt me more than he already had and I would be more aware than before so able to protect myself better than before.

The first 6 months to a year after we got back together were some of the best times we had ever had but once he knew he had me dependent on him (the house deal fell through and my mom had disowned me) we fell back into the same relationship we had for the first 8 years only the dance had changed in many ways. The first eight years we had a pattern of behavior we both fell into. We would fight, I would cry, he would say it was over and storm out, one of us would call the other, we would make up, have sex and things would be good for a while. I could predict when he was getting ready to explode, I was able to get through to him at times but at times during the last year I felt I didn’t know him at all.

The last year was abusive beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It was like the first 8 years were with a one man and the last year I had entered the twilight zone and was living with the devil himself. Many things about the relationship were different, I couldn’t predict what would set him off, sex became practically non-existent and he rarely concerned himself with pleasing me, he didn’t even take his jeans off half the time, he rarely said he loved me, he was far more conniving, told much bigger lies, was so much better at deceiving me, the physical abuse was more frequent and he seemed less able to control it. He seemed less able to hide his disdain for me. I know now he came back to get revenge for me breaking up with him when I moved into the trailer, he had one goal in mind when he came back and that was to destroy me, my business, my family relationships, and in general make me pay, get what he could from me and discard me in the most cruel way possible.

I am not saying he came all the way from Alberta just to screw me up. I think things didn’t come together like he had planned, he wasn’t able to hook the woman he had planned, maybe she caught on to him or maybe he wanted to make her jealous and get her doing the “pick me dance”. Whatever the reason he needed ns and knew I was a good source, if he could win me back it would serve as great ns until he could set something else up and I think now that he had gotten into drugs while out there and needed to get clean and that seeing as he didn’t have malaria, the attacks I nursed him through were actually withdrawal from some drug. Whatever the reason was for him to come back to me, it was not because of love; he needed something and I had it; and in his mind whatever bad happened to him was my fault for dumping him.  I was convenient at the time. Had he been able the suck in another better victim with more to offer he wouldn’t have bothered with me. I have no doubt I would have heard from him at some point if only to see if he could still suck me in, because I know he kept in touch with other exs sporadically.

So when you find yourself “accepting” unacceptable behavior, making excuses for his behavior, defending your values and explaining why you have a right to be suspicious, hurt, or angry, stop and think about it;

- why do you know right from wrong? yet he doesn’t.

- why are you afraid to talk to friends about what is going on? (because you know they would not tolerate it or even have to deal with it because their man doesn’t do shit like that)

You really only have one thing you have to accept………. the truth. The man you fell in love with was a sham. A full-grown man does not need to be taught common decency, in fact most normal children know about empathy and decency without any training, animals raised in the wild show more empathy and concern for other living creatures than the man who professes to love you.

- AND if he is so right and you are such a nut case, paranoid and demanding why does he deny, blame others, lie about it and hide it, expect you to lie and hide it.

- If you are so delusional why is he with you?

Accept this - that you made a mistake, you made a bad investment, cut your losses and get out while the getting is good because it will never get better than it is right now.

 

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The Repercussions Of Playing The Game Too Long

The first time you compromise your principles with a narcissist, the first time you catch him in a lie and forgive him is the beginning of the end of the relationship so you might as well walk right then and there and save yourself a lot of needless heart ache.

I remember having my bags packed and my hand on the door ready to walk out because I had found his personal ad with Lava Life on the internet looking for casual discreet sex. I had been angry when I found it but not breaking up mad; just more like ‘what the hell is going on?” mad. I always give a person a chance to explain their side of things, but he hadn’t even tried to explain anything, he had immediately gotten indignant about it. After a few hours of him ignoring my anger I became very angry and thought “F you” and I was leaving, but he stopped me at the door, started to cry, made all kinds of promises, told me he loved me and the hook; he thought I loved him more than that, he didn’t think I would walk out the first sign of trouble.

I didn’t say, “I thought you loved me enough to not go looking for discreet sex behind my back.” How did his infidelity get turned around to me not loving him as much as he loved me? and to be honest, had I had any where to go I would have walked out that door. But I didn’t have anywhere to go, and he had talked me into getting rid of all my furniture because “we would get new stuff together.” I thought, “what can it hurt to give it one more try, I have nothing to lose.” THAT was my first mistake and second and third; I always thought I had nothing to lose and he always found a way of taking more from me. I did not know that a person can destroy your spirit and soul, strip you of your confidence and leave you a shell of the person you once were. I had a good job, I had friends and family, I didn’t see how anyone could take that away from me. I still didn’t view him as abusive, he still had not shown any signs of anger, only arrogance and when I confronted him on that he explained that it was hard to admit what he had done and to know he had hurt me. Well! I am not one to rub someone’s nose in their mistakes, we all make mistakes right? we have all needed to be forgiven at some point in our lives and he was crying real tears. But there was this part of me that was saying, walk out that door.

There was always a new beginning, a new job, a new town, a new trauma or drama to get through and then I was going to leave but with every second chance I sunk deeper and deeper into the trap he had set. My vehicle broke down, I lost my job because I didn’t have a reliable vehicle, then I owed him money, and my kid and brother were going through stuff and then his dad had cancer and there was always a reason to wait until things settled down and then I would not have to be strong for everyone and I could lean on someone else for a while.

Oh I did leave many times, but I always went back. I think that had I had a home it would have been easier for me to walk away from him, in previous relationships I had always owned my home and when the relationship ended I was secure in my home. But now I didn’t have a home and I didn’t have credit or a job and it made it a lot harder to walk out that door, or to start over with nothing. I was afraid, I didn’t want to be homeless, I didn’t want to admit I had failed, given up everything for a man and ended up walking away with nothing. But that is exactly what I ended up doing anyway, only 9 years later after he had beaten me down to nothing more than dirt under his feet.

From that first personal ad the relationship was over and I spent the next 9 + years trying to save it and ended up leaving with nothing, being homeless and so much weaker than if I just would have left in the first place. We made no progress, it was a steady slow demise of what had seemed like the love of my life. The thing is, had I left in the beginning it would have been so much easier, by the time he discarded me I had invested so much into the relationship I had nothing left and when you invest money, time and effort into something the more apt you are to invest more into whatever it is. You get this feeling that you have invested so much you can’t walk away now, if you invest just a little bit more you will get the big payoff.

slots

 

I am not a gambler but I imagine it is much like when a person plugs money into a slot machine all night; they get a little pay off to keep them hooked. So they plug that back into the machine because it has to pay off sooner or later. Then they have spent all their money but they don’t want to walk away because they just know that someone else will walk up and plug a couple of bucks into it and all the bells and whistles will start going off and someone else will get your payoff. So they borrow money and keep putting good money after bad and never getting the pay off, but NOW they have invested so much more. They would have been better off to walk away after losing a couple hundred, now they are into it for thousands and they CAN’T walk away.

slots winner

 

So it goes with the narcissist. If you think you have invested too much into the n to walk away now, believe me it is not going to be easier down the road.


Scary World We Live In

As most of you know Canada’s Parliament in Ottawa was attacked a couple of days ago and a young army reservist was murdered in cold blood by a gunman known to be a radical Islamic. It was a particularly cowardly act, as the soldier was unarmed and shot in the back as he performed his duties guarding the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier.

Actual photo of citizens trying to save Nathan Cirillo's life at the foot of the war monument.

Actual photo of citizens trying to save Nathan Cirillo’s life at the foot of the war monument.

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Bruce MacKinnion’s cartoon depicting the events, shows the soldiers on the monument reaching down to Cpl Cirillo

The soldier was Cpl Nathan Cirillo, a man who is said to have always had a smile on his face, a 24-year-old father of a little boy, a dog lover and man who gladly posed with tourists, stood hours in torrential rain guarding the war monument. He is hailed as a loyal friend, always willing to lend a helping hand and  I am sure as he left home that day to proudly stand guard, the last thing on his mind was he would face death.

Death can come at any time, none of us know when our time will come but this senseless act of terrorism has shaken the citizens of Canada to the very core.

I was surprised the other day that while listening to a news cast I heard someone compare it to domestic abuse because that is the way I was feeling. That disbelief, like the first time a domestic abuse victim is hit by their abuser; ……… a feeling of, “What did we do to you?”

Canada always tries to get along, Canadians are teased good-naturedly by most of the world and admit with laugh that we are always saying “Sorry”, “Excuse me”, “Oh no, You go first.” and for being passive, friendly, “just want to get along with everybody” type of people. We want to “fix” things and keep the peace. We are the “co-dependants” of the world and  much like the victims of domestic abuse people mistake our kindness for being weak, when in reality we are strong in a confident quiet unobtrusive kinda way. We just don’t get in people’s faces (unless at a hockey game after a few beers)

Other countries “like” us!  Canada is made up of immigrants, we accept everyone into our country and even though we don’t make a big deal about it ordinarily, we are quietly proud to be Canadian. I know that, I am personally, am feeling indignantly proud right now.

I refuse to name the gunman because he does not deserve recognition, he was a coward who is now being praised by a bunch of mindless psychopaths on Twitter and it makes me sick.

Nathan Cirillo

Nathan Cirillo

My heart breaks for Cirillo’s family, his son who will never have his daddy back, a mother who should never have to bury her son, the lost to pour country and the world in general will never truly be known.  My heart also breaks for the mother of the gunman because I am sure she is being torn apart with questions of why her son would do this. the gunman’s mother sent a letter to a major news paper expressing her apologies for her son’s actions, saying she hates her son for what he has done. She has lost her son and now will have to pack shame that is not hers to pack, she will forever be the mother of the man who killed an innocent man and her and the rest of her family have to live in fear in the only country they have ever called home.

Many innocent people will pay the price for this man’s act of cowardice, now every single person with brown skin, or a turban, whether they have lived here their whole lives and are proud Canadian or a new immigrant; has to fear for their life because no doubt there are prejudiced Canadians in this country who will seek revenge by hating anyone who looks like they may have ties to the middle east. Unfortunately there are people who are so ignorant they paint all people of a certain physical appearance with the same brush. Already mosques have been vandalized with graffiti and that breaks my heart. Twitter is apparently flooded with support of the “brave” gunman and ridiculing the Canadian government for telling its army personnel to not wear their uniform in public, calling Canadians cowards.

I see no bravery in shooting an unarmed man in the back or driving over unsuspecting soldiers while they stand on the side of the road. I can’t help but compare it to someone shooting through a bathroom door at an imaginary intruder.

This young man went to show his respects at the War Monument. He was born in Canada and is a proud Canadian yet now he must fear to walk the streets of his own country.

This young man went to show his respects at the War Monument. He was born in Canada and is a proud Canadian yet now he must fear to walk the streets of his own country.

The senselessness of it all leaves a person feeling “shell-shocked”, I pray that the citizens of Canada remain level-headed and unite against terrorism and not against a colour or faith. There is no way we can make sense of the actions of people who do these things. To condemn all brown-skinned people would be equivalent to an abuse survivor hating all men because we were abused by a sick son of a bitch who happened to be a man. As far as the radicals calling for people to follow in the foot steps of the two terrorist of last week, all I can say is, “It is easy to be “brave” when you are behind a computer screen, in a moving vehicle, the only one with a loaded gun killing innocent people. Courage is stand toe to toe, eye to eye, doing the right thing regardless of the consequences to yourself. Courage was shown by the people who tried to save Nathan Cirillo, the security staff, the soldiers that put on that uniform every day and proudly go out to defend our country. Canadians are strong, brave and honest and I am proud to be Canadian.

Cpl Cirillo's dogs wait for their master to return home.

Cpl Cirillo’s dogs wait for their master to return home.

I am overwhelmed with so much gratitude I feel selfish; how dare I complain about anything going on in my life when I just spent a day with my son and I just sat watching my son with his daughter and I have my son’s dog staying with me and I am going to get to see my son again in a couple of days and I can pick up my phone at any given moment and text message him or call him and I will hear my son say, “I love you mom.” again. I will be able to hug my son and look into his blue eyes and silently thank God for one more day with my boy. I watched my brother with my granddaughter laughing and hugging, getting to know each other finally after 4 years. I saw my nephew and was able to say, “Come here and give your auntie a hug.” I cried a long time yesterday out of sheer gratitude for all I have. I often look around at the mountains, listen to the birds singing, watch children playing, and I am filled with gratitude that there are no bombs going off, no gunfire, no fighter jets, air raid sirens. I lock my doors at night and I don’t fear that my house will be blown up  in the night, I don’t have to dig through rumble trying to find loved ones, I don’t fear receiving word that my son was killed in the line of duty.

Although the news is focused on Cpl Nathan Cirillo, he was not the only Canadian soldier to be killed last week in a senseless act of terrorism, two days before his death, a soldier, 53 yr old Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent, was purposely run down by an Islamic terrorist in Montreal Canada.  Warrant Officer Vincent was debating whether to retire or not when he was murdered after serving 28 years in the Canadian military.

Patrice Vincent run down by terrorist this week in Montreal.

Patrice Vincent run down by terrorist this week in Montreal.

 

Sergeant at Arms Kevin Vickers is being hailed as the hero he is.

Sergeant at Arms Kevin Vickers is being hailed as the hero he is.

Sergeant at Arms, Kevin Vickers is being hailed a hero for killing the gunman, you can watch the newscast describing the events here.

I am taken by the look on Kevin Vickers face, it is the face of a man who just killed another man at point-blank range in defense of his country, he did the job he was hired to do with calm resolve, loyalty to his country,  and commitment to protect innocent people’s lives. I am sure he never expected he would be called upon to face off with a gunman but when he was, he did it with honor and no fanfare. I don’t see ego, pride, “victory” or any of the other narcissistic traits we would expect to see on the face of a man being hailed a hero, not even false humility.

But he was not the only hero that day.

I listened to a woman being interviewed the other day, Barbara Winters, as she recounted what happened that day. Barbara Winters is a former member of the Canadian Naval Reserve and a lawyer working in Ottawa. As she walked past the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier she stopped to snap a few photos of the guards stand staunchly in front of the monument.

Cpl Nathan Cirillo minutes before being gunned down. The rifle at his side is for ceremonial purposes only and is not loaded.

Cpl Nathan Cirillo minutes before being gunned down. The rifle at his side is for ceremonial purposes only and is not loaded.

She continued on her way and a few blocks away she heard four shots being fired, she looked back and saw people running for cover. Did she run for safety? no, she ran back to the monument and her fears were confirmed; one of the soldiers had been shot. She ran to help, dropped her purse (which can be seen in an earlier photo on the ground by the people trying to save Cpl Cirillo) and joined the handful of people who were frantically trying to save the young soldiers life.  His eyes were open and she held his hand and started saying the Lord’s Prayer and then kept repeating, “You are loved, you are so brave, your family loves you, your country loves you, we are here and we are working to save you, you are not alone, you are loved”. Those five people worked to save him even after they could no longer find a pulse but he succumbed to his injuries in their hands.

I praise the people who ran to help the fallen soldier without a thought for their own safety. I praise the fast response of the police and security, but I also praise the brave people we never hear about; who spend their lives doing what they can to help others without fanfare or acknowledgement. Nathan Cirillo died a tragic and senseless death as did Patrice Vincent, they had done nothing to deserve death but  as patriotic as I am, I don’t see this as an attack on Canada. I am not upset because innocent Canadian were killed, I am upset because there are a handful of cowards in the world killing innocent people in horrific ways because ……….. because of what? I don’t even know. To intimidate, terrorize into compliance, control, for the feeling of being powerful, just like the psychopath who terrorizes his wife and children; these psychopaths are trying to terrorize the world.

Humanitarians and news reporters held captive and beheaded for no other reason than to instill fear and terror in the world. I do not understand how any person regardless of nationality or religious beliefs can think that beheading an innocent person who can not defend himself is brave or courageous. I see it as cowardice in the extreme. You want to show a sign of force and you have a point you want to make then take the hood off your head and at least let the world see who you are. If they are so right about what they are doing, then they should have no problem identifying themselves. A courageous person stands up for what they believe with honesty and pride, they are not afraid of someone challenging them because they are secure in their beliefs. Only a coward wears a mask, intimidates the victim into silence, lies, and feels empowered by bringing harm to innocent people.

Make no mistake that the psychopaths that mow down innocent people because they crave recognition (good or bad, as long as it is attention and notoriety) are the same as the psychopath who chokes his wife until she passes out or beats her so she will submit to his every whim. Whether the terror is happening behind closed doors in middle class America or in the desert of some middle east country it is being perpetrated by cowards and I have no respect for cowards.

I never like tattoos much but I allowed my son to get one when he was 15, as long as I could give the veto on what he got and it had to be in a place that was not readily visible. I told him that right or wrong, society judges a person by their appearance and later in life he may not want to be judged by his tattoos. I explained that he may want to be a businessman and should make sure that any tats he got were above the elbow so he could wear a dress shirt. He didn’t listen and ended up with tattoos to his wrists. I said, “OK, well then stop at the wrists and keep your sleeves rolled down . I should have known telling him to not do anything was like a challenge to him and sure enough he now has tattoos to his finger nails, up his neck to his hair-line and his legs, chest and back. Maybe other places I am not privy to and really at this point does it matter?

For a long time I didn’t take much interest in the tattoos but a few years ago I read my son’s body and it tells quite a story. Every single one of his tattoos has a meaning or a story behind it, he may get judged by members of society but if a person takes the time to really look at what his tats say about him, they will understand why I am so proud of my boy and what he projects to the world. On one of his hands he has a compass pointing true north, beside it is an anvil with a chain across it and a sledge-hammer breaking the chain. It symbolizes, True north, strong and free.

On one of his arms is a man in a business suit, Michael the Archangel above reaching down to him and Satan below trying to drag him down into the flames of hell.

On his back he has Vi veri universum vivus vici  which is a Latin phrase meaning: “By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe”.

I am saddened by the world situation and I don’t know what the answer is; more killing? so much security we lose our freedom? Once again the only things I can control are my actions. All we can do is live in truth, firmly defend our morals and beliefs, and not allow the cowards of the world to intimidate or manipulate me into being less than I am meant to be.

And I encourage everyone to not judge a person by their appearances because what you see can be a “mask” , don’t mistake the mask as the real thing, judge a person by their actions, don’t waste your time and energy on a coward wearing a mask.


Everyone Needs to Listen to This Young Woman

I came across this Ted Talk today, sidetracked again, don’t you love how the internet does that to a person?

I chastise myself for “wasting time”. I was trying to wade through my outlook inbox and there was a notification of a post from another site. The title was too good to just “delete” so I read the post and then I had to read the comments and in the comments was a link………..to the woman who put a smile on my face today and who inspired me to be the best me I can be, for another day. Hardly something I can call wasting time.

I found myself leaning forward, into my laptop screen, listening intently to her every word, noting her facial expressions, hand gestures and  youthful enthusiasm. I noticed I was smiling and nodding my head in agreement and found myself wanting to email it to every young person I know, even some I don’t and …… even some not so young.

I don’t know how this relates to narcissism, it must in some way because narcissists affect every aspect of our life in some way. No matter if you are in a relationship with one, had your heart-broken by one, was parented by one or live next door to one, maybe you don’t even know you are being affected by one………… but you are. It is part of life, always has been; you just didn’t know what it was, didn’t have the name to call it, but narcissism is not new, it has been around as long as ……….. well ………….. as long as people have walked this earth, we just didn’t know what to call them. Or we didn’t talk about them because we were ashamed or whatever.

ANYWAY, there I go, off on a tangent, way off course.

Here is the link, Sarah Kay, If I have a daughter , go put a smile on your face, be inspired, and have a great day!! The greatest narc repellent, is a positive outlook on the world and ourselves. The best salve for a wound inflicted by a narc is self acceptance and a belief that we are right where we are meant to be at this very moment and life is a huge adventure with twists and turns but things do tend to work out somehow; as long as we don’t let the assholes in the world cloud our vision and we don’t believe the lies they try to stuff down our throats.


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