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20 Reasons Why I Am Happy Words Don’t Have Calories

purple ribbonIn honor of October being Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, (so fitting it falls on the same month as Halloween, that holiday where everyone wears a mask and dresses as their favorite villain and you never know if you are going to get tricked or a treat, but if you dance really nice, look cute or sing a little song you might get lucky and get a treat the day after Halloween. Make sure you check it for razor blades though)………. Aaaaany way back to what I was saying about being happy words don’t have calories. I used to be an anorexic/bulimic, and although I no longer starve myself I still have a real thing about my weight. With all the words I have had to eat since I met James I would weight 300 lbs by now if they had calories.

With no further ado, analogies or rambling I thought I would share some of the misconceptions (judgments, lets be honest here, I was making judgments about victims of abuse) I held about domestic abuse before I was ever abused.

  1. “A man would only ever hit ME once. I would be outta there so fast his head would be spinning.” but as I pulled myself back up on the seat of the truck after he had strangled me to the point of blacking out, I was asking myself, “Is strangling abuse?” My mind was saying, “You have to leave”. My heart was saying, “I have to fix this.” I did not leave, in fact I lost count of how many times he hit me. I stood there, while he explained to me that, it wasn’t abuse, it wasn’t like he came home and beat me every night. Besides a real man would have hit me a lot sooner.
  2. “Women who stay in an abusive relationship are weak”  In fact women who stay in abusive relationships are incredibly strong. They endure what an average person never could and they usually deal with it all alone, too ashamed to admit it is happening.
  3. “A woman should never allow herself to be put in the position of being dependent on a man”  I never allowed myself to become dependent on James, I didn’t know that a man would purposely sabotage a woman’s vehicle (people still look at me like I must be crazy when I tell them James would stay up at night disabling my vehicle so it would break down on my way to an important function).  The woman does not allow anything, it is so subtle and gradual it happens before they realize it or if they realize it is happening, they have no idea how to stop it. If a man is determined to make you dependent on him you really are helpless to stop it unless it is something you are looking out for and when you are in love with someone you never suspect they would do that to you with the intention of controlling you.
  4. “A woman should always make sure she has her own money and bank account.” Silly me, I thought the woman had some say, that she could refuse to give her money to the man. I was used to being in relationships where the couple discussed finances and made joint decisions on large purchases and the budget. I was accustomed to putting my foot down and the man respecting my opinion. Hahaha I had no idea how many different ways there are to manipulate a person out of their money. Bank account?
    There was no way I could foresee losing my job because I didn’t have a vehicle and was reliant on James for a ride to and from work and he wouldn’t drive me to work and not having a vehicle because he had sabotaged it. Or discussing how I would cover the cost of something but he would pay me back and then have him deny ever borrowing the money. 
  5. “If a man I am with ever cheated on me I’d have his balls on a chain around my neck and he would be kicked to the curb. Once a cheater always a cheater. I compete for no man.” Again, I assumed I would be with a normal red blooded man, not a reptile with no feelings and a talent for lying so convincingly he was up for an academy award. (not really)
  6. “She must like it because she keeps going back or stays with him, they both are sick” Once again there are so many reasons why a woman stays and none of them are because she likes being beaten and abused. I am sure when I said this I was a homeowner and had a job too. I was very capable of taking care of myself and my child. It is a whole different ball game when you don’t have a job, no furniture, would be homeless if you left,  and you have no support system. I also never thought my family would ever let me homeless, but they sure nuf did!
  7. “It can’t be that bad if she stays.” this is where we go back to how strong these women are, how seriously they take their commitments and responsibilities, and how proud they are; it is terribly hard for a strong woman to admit she is being abused.
  8. “Abused women are uneducated and have no job skills because if they did, they would leave.” Truth be told, most abused women are highly educated and very capable, in fact they are less likely to see the abuse coming because they have a false sense of security because they ARE so independent and capable. 
  9. Abused women come from an abusive childhood as do the abusers. Wrong wrong wrong, yeah some of them do, but many of them come from loving two parent homes where they were nurtured and taught respect and they never witnessed any form of abuse. Victims and their abusers come from all cultures, ages, backgrounds and socioeconomic classes.
  10. It isn’t really abuse if it isn’t physical, words can’t hurt you. When in fact, the abuse almost always starts with the words first and the deepest scars, the ones that sometimes never heal, come from words.
  11. “No man would ever dictate who my friends are and when I can go out and with who, any woman that allows that is weak and needs to stand up for herself. Ha! I would love to see any man try to stop me from doing what I want to do!” Said before I learned that there are psychopaths out there who will disable your car so you can’t leave, and yeah I was suspicious when it kept happening but who would do something like that?? and any one I told my suspicions to looked at me like I was nuts. And once it starts happening how do you get away? I walked miles just to prove he could not keep me locked up, I refused to accept it, but I was helpless to stop it and the friends drifted away.
  12. “There are resources for victims of abuse, if they really want to leave there is help out there for them.” Boy was I ever wrong! there are not near enough beds in shelters, and even if you do manage to get a bed, most shelters only let you stay 30 days, not near long enough to have your life back together. Welfare in Canada only pays $610/month, you have PTSD, likely have some illness because you are run down, you can’t possibly start a new job when you are crying, paranoid, not sleeping, on meds for your nerves and any number of other issues you are dealing with. Let alone that most women leave with nothing and are facing a lengthy legal battle.
  13. “The cops are there to help, they will take the abuser away and she can get a restraining order to keep him away.” Restraining orders aren’t worth the paper they are written on. They only work with law abiding people, a narcissist sees them as a challenge. If an abuser wants to get you, he will find away. The cops will not remove him from the house unless you have obviously been physically abused, he can steal from you, torture you mentally, refuse to leave the house even though you have repeatedly asked him to and the police will not help you. You are told to serve him with an eviction notice or take him to civil court. 
  14. “If she is in such danger why doesn’t she leave?”  THE most danger time in an abusive relationship is when the victim decides to leave. 70% of domestic homicides happen within 2 years of the victim leaving their abuser.
  15. “Abuse is an “anger management problem” the abuser loses control and the victim must not know when to walk away from the fight.” Abuse has nothing to do with the abuser “losing control”, he is very capable of controlling his anger. If someone came to the door while he is beating his partner he could shut it off like a switch and be Mr Congeniality. The couple can be out and having a great time but as soon as they get home or on the way home he switches on the anger. He is perfectly capable of controlling his anger. She does not provoke his anger, she can try everything in her power to avoid his anger and appease him, refuse to take the bait, but if he is itching for a fight, he is going to have a fight and there is nothing she can do to stop it.
  16. “If a guy gets jealous he really loves the woman.”  Jealousy has absolutely nothing to do with love and everything to do with control and ownership of a person.
  17. “I am good at judging someone’s character, I would never get taken in by an abuser, the minute a man starts to control me I kick him to the curb.” Those guys were amateurs! abuser wannabee’s ; I had no idea what a really abusive man was like, I had never dealt with someone without a conscience or moral code of conduct.
  18. “A narcissist, what is a narcissist again? oh yeah, that guy who fell in love with his own reflection. I would never get involved with a narcissist! I hate egotistical guys, used car salesman types or pompous lawyers, they turn me right off.”  Narcissists are MUCH more dangerous and toxic than simply being an egotistical asshole, the devil never arrives wearing red and carrying a pitch fork, he comes dressed as your soul mate, and makes you feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
  19. “I have nothing to lose by giving him a second chance.”  Even when you have nothing left materially, and you think you have hurt all you can hurt and cried all the tears in your body; you always have more to lose, you can always hurt more and you always have more tears.
  20. “I would recognize a psychopath, they all look like ……………. well they all look like ……psychopaths! I am careful about my safety and would never put myself in the position of being with a psychopath” We all know a psychopath or two or 6, they are all around us, they do not have a scarlet “P” tattooed on their forehead. They don’t wear ski masks or hockey helmets, they don’t sneer at you and hiss, they aren’t all in jail. In fact most of them avoid jail their whole lives, avoid detection all together, they just leave a trail of destruction behind them where ever they go and victims in a heap on the floor wondering what the hell just happened. I did not know that people actually exist who do not have a conscience, no guilt, no remorse, no empathy. There are people in this world that do not have a “good side” . There are people in the world who can not change or be rehabilitated. There is not good in every one.

The biggest lie I told myself and the hardest one to accept was wrong was that everyone has good in them, you just have to dig sometimes.

The truth is

There are people on this earth who do not, never have had; a good side.  

Domestic Abuse Awareness Mug

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Moving Forward With Boundaries In Place

Here is an excerpt from a post I did today on the No Reim’er Reason site.

“I found with James, over time my respect for him dwindled; and it bothered me. How can you love a man who you do not respect? For me it goes hand in hand; on the other side of the coin, how can you say you love me when you don’t show me respect? Love without respect is a contradiction of terms, it an oxymoron; just like a narcissist is an oxymoron, (I know, kinda cool that moron is part of that word, I caught that!)

I think it is important we talk about respect in a relationship if we are going to discuss re-entering the dating world after the narcissist.

How do you earn someone’s respect?”

We don’t think about the meaning of words, we toss the word respect around but what does it mean? how do we know we are being disrespected? It is important to have the answers to those questions BEFORE you start dating again. The narcissist demands respect, he expects compliance with his demands and if he doesn’t get immediate compliance he says you are not treating him with respect, so he will use fear to get you to comply. Fear has nothing to do with respect.

I know that from being a single mom of a teenage boy who outweighed me. I knew I had to have his respect because he would never fear me. Besides, who wants their kids to fear them? I much prefer have my son o things because he respects me and because I have walked my talk and lived true to the same standards I expected of him.

To find out how to earn someone’s respect and keep it join No Reim’er Or Reason by clicking on the donation button and paying a small one time only membership fee of $15. This offer is only good until 2016, after that the fee will be more and monthly. 

14 Steps To RE-Entering The World Of Dating

dating gameI think there is a tendency these days for people to call anyone who disagrees with them, pissed them off, or who they fall in love with and doesn’t love them back, a narcissist. Narcissist has become overused to the point where it is losing it’s impact and not taken as seriously as it should be.

Everyone wants to label everyone else, put them in a nice little clearly defined category so they can say, “Not my fault”. “It’s not MY fault I got hurt, I am a sensitive caring person, I can’t change that”, “It’s not my fault he didn’t fall in love with me, he is a narcissist” Never mind that you knew going into the relationship the guy didn’t have a job, had a drinking problem, and told you that he was not into any kind of commitment.  You can not then sleep with the guy, be available to him any time he calls and fall willingly into bed every time he shows up at your door and then complain and call him a narcissist when you fall in love with him and he is not receptive to it.

Guys can be pretty dense, James and I had a friend years ago, Chuck, he was so far from a narcissist that he was James’s exact opposite. Chuck was shy, awkward with women and would spend most of his Saturday nights visiting with me instead of dating single women his own age. He started dating a young single mom but was not into the instant family of a 4 year old and an 8 year old. There was nothing wrong with the woman, they had a lot in common and enjoyed each other’s company, he told me that he that he really liked her and enjoyed her company but he just could not do the step-dad-instant-family thing. I told him ,”You have to walk away then Chuck. It would be unfair to let her feelings grow for you when you know you are never going to let it go further. You can’t let the kids grow to love you and then walk away. The right thing to do is end it now, and that means, never have sex with her again also!”

So, he went and had a talk with her and told her the truth and they “broke up” but agreed to “stay friends” because they really did have a good time together. He came to me so relieved, it had gone better then he had envisioned it would. She had cried and said she loved him, but in the end they agreed to still see each other as friends.

I asked, “Friends with benefits? or true friends? Because Chuck, I don’t care what she agreed to when you two talked, the minute you have sex with her, all deals are off. She is going to think you are “dating” again and there is hope the relationship will last.”

He didn’t believe me, he assured me that they were on the same page and she was totally ok with everything.

As I secretly thought would happen, nothing really changed with them. They saw each other every weekend, just like they had been, they were having sex, but in Chuck’s mind they were “just friends” and he was free to date other women, and had no responsibility to his now ex girlfriend until he started dating someone else and sleeping with them, then he would have to stop sleeping with his ex out of respect for the new woman. I just shook my head and told him again, “Every time you have sex with her she is thinking the relationship is back on.”

He did not listen to me and it was convenient to keep dating her on the weekends because neither one of them had someone else and it was “easy”.  Eventually he met a woman on Plenty of Fish who he started dating. All of a sudden he was not available on the weekends when his “friend” called to see what he was doing (because after all they had been getting together every weekend for almost a year). The first few times he skirted the issue, not wanting to hurt her feelings and unsure of how he felt about this new woman but eventually he had to tell his ex he was seeing someone.

As I had predicted, she did not take it well! He came to me looking shell shocked, he had never seen her that mad, she had screamed all kinds of ugly things at him and been crying and carrying on. He didn’t understand why she was so mad. I said, “You didn’t believe me Chuck, I told you, if you slept with her she would assume the relationship is back on, you were seeing her every weekend like always. Just because a woman agrees to “just be friends” does not mean she really means it.”

Later that day she pulled up in his driveway and threw all his stuff in the mud, tore another strip off of him and laid rubber, calling him an asshole as she went down the road.

He was totally confused and honestly could not understand why she was so upset, they had calmly talked about it and agreed, he never told her he loved her, never pressured her to sleep with him, they had agreed to both start dating other people; so what went wrong? why was he the bad guy?

Chuck was NOT a narcissist and in all honesty I don’t believe he was an asshole, he just did not understand women and was very naive. I am sure he learned from that lesson, or I certainly hope so.

It was an unfortunate situation where two people met at the wrong time in their lives, had different goals, whatever; one felt more than the other one and neither one was totally honest about their feelings, the woman thought she would play it cool and he would eventually come around and he thought they were able to just be friends and have sex with no strings attached.

She had every right to be angry and hurt and I told him that he had to leave her alone, even if she called and said she could be friends he had to be the one who ended all contact, for a while anyway, until she healed AND no matter what he could never sleep with her again unless he loved her. Thank God he listened to me because she did call about a week later and wanted to talk and said she could be friends.

She was lying to herself, just as I had done in the past with guys, telling myself that I was capable of casual sex or thinking that the guy would fall in love with me eventually if I was available and agreeable.

To finish reading this post and find out what the 14 Steps to re-entering the dating world are, join the No Reim’er Reason Website by clicking on the donation button in the sidebar and donating $15 for a lifetime membership. This introductory offer is only good until the new year.

Why Are We Still Teaching Our Young Girls That A Man Gives Them Worth

I was on Facebook the other day and saw a touching post by a mother who’s daughter is being bullied by her school mates about being over weight and unattractive. I forget exactly what her post said because, although I was touched by her daughter’s blight, it was some of the comments that really hit home with me. And not for the reasons you may think.


The mother posted a pic of her daughter in hopes of getting a bunch of likes and encouraging comments to make her daughter feel better and there were a lot of lovely messages of encouragement posted.

The first comment I read hit me between the eyes and I immediately felt angry. It got me thinking “And we wonder why women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate abuse just so they can say they have a man.”

The relatively young female who commented did so with genuine caring and with the best of intentions I am sure but her attitude screamed at me the problem with society and it’s attitudes about women. It is such a common belief people don’t even realize what they are saying.

I can’t quote the comment word for word but this is basically the message she conveyed.

“Don’t listen to them, you are beautiful inside and out. They are small minded and you are better than them. here comes the clincher………. wait for it……… Some day you will meet a man who will think you are beautiful and love you for who you are.”

I tried to respond to the post but for some reason was unable, but if I could have this is what I would have said.


“Please, everyone commenting, I know you are all well-intentioned; but please! stop attaching a woman’s worth to having a man! This young lady has a whole future to look forward to, to live her dreams; encourage her to be the best version of herself that she can be. Tell her to live true to her inner voice, respect herself, and value herself and all her wonderful talents, some of which she may not even know she has yet. Explain to her that bullying comes from small minded people who are insecure, that is why they must bully others; in an attempt to make themselves feel powerful. Teach her how to set and defend boundaries and believe in herself so that when she meets a man she doesn’t compromise herself and her beliefs just to keep him. Don’t put so much value on having a man,  that someday if she ends up being abused she stays because it is better than being without a man. Encourage her to live for today and to actively seek out things that give her joy, to pursue her dreams and passions, forget what others think of her, if she lives true to her inner voice and living her life to the fullest; people will gravitate to her because her joy will radiate outward.

When you are doing something you love, you do it well, you can’t help it and doing something well builds self esteem and confidence. A person does not need to be part of the popular crowd, they don’t need dozens of friends (who really aren’t true friends) we only need one or two people who will have our back and not talk smack behind our back. But no matter what there is only one person you can or should rely on, only one person you need to be accountable to, one person who will be totally honest with you if you are willing to listen, and that person is you. Listen to your gut, not the crowds, not the bullies, not your girlfriends, or your boyfriends or what the latest teen magazine is saying about how to get a guy. Live your passion and always listen to what your gut instincts are telling you and you will find happiness and yes, you will find love.

I know bullying hurts, especially when you are a teen you want to be popular and no one deserves to be bullied, but to tell her that someday a man will love her and it will all be ok; is telling her she has to have a man to be valued. For generations upon generations we teach our girls that they need a man in their life to be whole, to be valuable, to be considered attractive, successful, and if you don’t have a man you are flawed in some way.

I wish to God that when I was 15-16-17-30!! someone would have said to me;

“Be you!! you are enough! you are special just the way you are. You don’t need to lose weight, you don’t have to be the perfect homemaker, you don’t have to tolerate shit from any man, just so you can say you have a man. “Man” does not complete a woman, she is a complete package all on her own and very capable of making it in this world. Since women’s lib, women have been proving they can do anything a man can do time and time again and instead of being respected and admired for their strength and brains they are told they can’t have it all, a career and a family. The only reason she can’t have it all is because people are clinging to the belief she is nothing without a man. She can be a homeowner, top executive, breathtakingly beautiful but if she doesn’t have a man everyone assumes she is flawed in some way.

I am 57 years old and I regret spending most of my life trying to be “enough”, I am tired of the hearing from people that a man will solve my problems; excuse me!! that attitude got me where I am today! I spent most of my womanhood trying to be the kind of woman who men want, I strived to be the perfect partner, loving, supportive, home owner, homemaker, a whore in the bedroom but a lady in public, the perfect hostess, the perfect mother, a good friend, and I continually gave more than I could afford to lose. Even after leaving James I an’t count how many times I was told, “It’s ok, some day you will meet a man who will love you for you.” As if without a man happiness isn’t possible; women are all on hold thinking once they meet a man, then they will be happy. What bunk!!!

All through high school I was told by my mom to wait until I got out of school, then I would meet a man who would love me. My dad was telling me that I was going to be a better wife than my mother was and I would know how to keep a man happy, I would never deny my husband sex, (yeah he actually said that) he even told me that when he was single he never went after the really beautiful women because the less attractive women tried harder. (yeah I hear ya, great way for a dad to talk to his daughter, well how about this one) if I wasn’t a good girl he would take my brother and leave mom and me. So the whole responsibility of keeping the family together fell on my shoulders, any wonder I had an ulcer at 9?

The whole time I hauled scrap metal no one understood why I would do that, my family thought I was crazy, but for the first time in my life I felt empowered, I wasn’t doing a job because it was a job I was told I should do, it wasn’t a typical woman’s job, I got dirty, greasy, and I worked as hard as any man and could operate that truck as well as any man and I was still every bit a woman. I felt attractive, in control, confident, I didn’t need anyone to tell me I was doing a good job. For the first time in my life I enjoyed going to work instead of crying every morning at the thought of being locked in an office all day and living for the weekends; and that radiated out.

I cringe at the thought of how many weekends I was quite content to be home with my son, putzing in my garden and at the same time feeling I should be with a man on a date. I remember having girlfriends who dated guys they didn’t even like just so they could say they had a date on the weekend.  I regret all the time I wasted worrying about whether the guy would all or not, whether I needed to lose 5 lbs, never feeling attractive enough because I look at old pictures of me and my God! there was absolutely nothing wrong with me!! If only I had known how attractive I was and appreciated myself more.

We never say to our boys, just wait, some day a girl will come along who will love you for you and then you will be happy and valuable, because boys don’t worry about that. When boys are taught about women terms like these are used;

They are “trapped”, a woman “catches” them, they get “tied down”, “lose their freedom”, “the old ball and chain”, “henpecked”, and if they get dumped they are told to just go to the bar, get drunk and get laid.  Who ever taught our young people that it is acceptable to ask for a pic of a girl naked and it was ok for the girl to send it??? and that it is acceptable behavior to give a guy a blow job and leave a lipstick ring as your “claim to fame”.

Why, someone please tell me! in a day and age when women are more independent, self sufficient and supposedly “equal”, and society has no excuse to be uninformed, a time when people talk openly about how wrong abuse against women is; are women still being told “wait until a man loves you”.

Why aren’t our girls being taught that;

  • If you are going to dress like a whore, men will treat you like a whore and there is nothing wrong with leaving a little bit to the imagination, it does not make you a prude, it gives you class.
  • It may be a double standard, but men on a whole do not respect a woman who has sex with them too soon and if a man is interested in you as a person and not simply as a vagina, he will wait until you feel comfortable.
  • Women may be able to do it all but they shouldn’t have to. There is no way a woman should be working full time and doing all the housework and child rearing also, and if the daddy of your children spends time with the kids, he is NOT giving you a break, baby sitting or doing anything miraculous; he is spending quality time with the children he fathered, period.
  • No one, male or female; should ever be treated with disrespect, hit, called names, or denied their feelings; ever! but we can not ask for respect, we must demand respect and if it isn’t given, we must be prepared to walk away.
  • There are people in the world who do not have a good side, evil people who will exploit you and use you; and you can not fix them nor should you try.
  • It is quite ok to not be liked by everyone, and for you to not like everyone.
  • It is ok to walk away from a relationship with a man without having proof he is an asshole. The fact that you are not happy is reason enough to walk, it doesn’t matter if everyone you know thinks he is a nice guy and you are crazy, you know how you feel and if your gut is saying to walk away, walk away!!
  • Listen to your gut instincts!! pulleeeeeeze!!!! it will never lie to you, trust yourself before you trust anyone else.
  • People should earn your trust, not automatically get trust until they prove they don’t deserve, then it is too late.
  • It is not selfish to say No to someone, and they should respect that you said no and not badger you, if they disappear because you said no then they were not the person for you. Never ever compromise your principles for anyone else. The minute you do you might as well walk away because from that day forward you will be expected to compromise more and more and No will mean nothing to the other person. The minute you compromise your values you have lost the game, he may be happy he got what he wanted but he lost respect for you and you for yourself.
  • We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. People say, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer, he kept badgering me, or he did it anyway……….. then you must walk away. He made his choice when he didn’t respect your feelings/wishes and so you must make your choice, tolerate being disrespected from this day forward or walk away with your head held high and your self respect intact.
  • And last but not least; have some loyalty to your gender, this is not a competition between women for who gets the guy. If you “take” another woman’s man, it does not make you a better woman, no matter what he is telling you. It makes you the next sucker in a long line of women who thought they got their worth from a man instead of from their integrity, honesty and values. and don’t be all surprised and indignant when he screws around on you. The number one unwritten rule for women should be, you never ever date a friend’s man, ever if he is an ex. Loyalty to your friends first and foremost and if he was worth your time and a decent guy, he would never have asked out a friend of his partner or ex partner. Think about it.

That is the end of my very long rant! *sigh* I feel better now, thank you all, I will just pick up my soap box and let you continue with your day.

Hugs to all!!



Journaling To Remain Sane


This is a recycled post from over a year ago but I feel it is well worth repeating, especially for those of you who haven’t yet left the relationship and you are suffering from self doubt and the narcissist has you confused and is telling you that you are crazy.

Narcissists are known for using gas lighting to induce confusion and self doubt, anyone involved with someone they suspect is a narcissist should be keeping a journal. Here is the post:

For most of my life I didn’t keep a journal, who has time for journaling? Especially when you have a narcissist stirring up all kinds of drama in your life. I used to think too that my emotions were too raw and there was so much shit going on I didn’t have the energy to write it all out, or I would think, “I’ll write it down tomorrow.” But tomorrow I would forget and then when I did remember I forgot details like exact times or wording.

That is until I realized I HAD to journal or lose my mind OR just give in to James and let him spew his lies.

James always journaled, not every day and there were years he didn’t journal at all but for the majority of our relationship he journaled and his journals were considered gospel, if it was written in his journals it was fact and it was not up for debate.

Admittedly in the beginning I was very naive and thought our relationship would run much like other relationships I had plus we had discussed every aspect of a relationship before moving in together because we (I) wanted to be on the same page with our expectations. I didn’t have a child at home any more, we were going to be two working adults living together; I thought it was wise to discuss some basics so we knew what each expected. In previous relationships I had been the main wage earner, handled the finances, did the yard work, housework and all the cooking and I expected to be more equal partners with James and he agreed wholeheartedly. I like a clean house, that does not mean I LIKE to clean the house, neither did he but we agreed a cleaning woman would be well worth any money it cost us. We also agreed that I never cooked on Friday nights. I have had that rule since I was with my 1st husband in 1980 and never had a man argue. I didn’t think it was out of line. I worked full-time and deserved a night off cooking. I didn’t care if it was crackers and cheese as long as I didn’t have to cook it. Of course he agreed and I had no reason to think he wouldn’t follow through; after all no other man had ever balked.

It took a while but I finally figured out that James’s word was worth zip! and he would change whole conversations to suit his agenda. At first I thought it was just me misunderstanding, or not explaining myself clearly. I would explain again and again he would twist my words or deny ever having the conversation and I started to get frustrated, my voice would get louder and higher pitched and the tears would start. You know how it is when you are trying to explain yourself and someone is twisting your words and just not understanding the simplest things or taking offense to some simple request. He would keep his voice very low and mutter things under his breath and I got louder trying to make my point. Of course I sounded like the psycho bitch, I truly felt I would go insane if I wasn’t already.

He kept track of the finances on Quickbooks on the computer, (it was my computer when we moved in together but soon became “his” and then he passworded it so I couldn’t get on it at all and even if I did get on the computer I was not allowed into Quickbooks). I had never kept track of who owed who what in any of my relationships, we had always pooled funds and paid the bills, if there was money left over we decided what to do with it. If we wanted to buy something we discussed it.

After we were living together finances became our major reason for fighting, mostly because he was always accusing me of spending “his” money on frivolous things and if you were to talk to him now he would tell you he supported me for the whole relationship. I swear sometimes they tell the same lie so many times they believe it themselves. (I worked for most of our relationship and the only time I didn’t work was because he had disabled my vehicle so I couldn’t work.)

I am a fairly frugal person in many ways, I drank wine at that time and a cheap 1L bottle was fine for me and if I had a vehicle I would go and buy my own but when I was stuck at home he would go to the liquor store and buy an expensive bottle of wine that cost as much as 3 of my cheap bottles. I rolled my own cigarettes and he bought them by the carton.  He told my son that my drinking was costing him $1000 a month, of course it was all recorded in Quickbooks, which I had no access to. Until one day he forgot to sign out and I was able to check his figures. His balance in Quickbooks didn’t match what I figured he should have so I started going over the amount and realized he had not recorded one of his paychecks for around $990. How could that be? how could he have missed recording almost a thousand dollars and still show a balance? The more I dug the more I found (the reason why I became such a snoop, I kept finding shit and it was always way worse than anything I had imagined) I realized he hadn’t entered most of his booze receipts, had entered some of mine two and three times, he had charged me $535 for repairs on my Prelude but the bill was for $335. I had been in banking for 11 years and worked in an accounting office for 12 years so I am a bit OCD about things balancing and I spent the whole day “fixing” his mistakes. I went out to his shop and found a ton of booze receipts that he hadn’t recorded and once I got everything entered properly he was in the red so I entered that pay stub and he balanced to what I figured he should have. Needless to say he was not happy I had “helped” him and he made sure to never forget to sign out again. (I was dumb, I was too honest. Whenever I discovered something I would tell him what I had found and I should have kept my mouth shut because then he just hid things better)

It is so foreign to a normal person to spy on their loved one, to not trust them and having to be suspicious of everything they say and do, so a normal person feels guilty, even though they have done nothing wrong. The narc will use that guilt against the victim;

By a show of hands………How many of you have heard your narc say something like, “I can’t believe you don’t believe me! I can’t live with your paranoia.” or  ” I can’t believe you snooped, I thought you were better than that.” or “I am so disappointed in you.” or  “and I trusted you!” and you ended up apologizing for snooping and finding out he’d been lying to you.

It seemed the only thing we argued about was the money, I was upset he didn’t come to bed at night but that hurt my feelings and I usually cried, I didn’t start fights, I hate fights and I always tried to discuss things from a “I feel” perspective (the way they teach you in communicating effectively classes) so the only time we fought was when he got angry about money.

He would demand I hand in receipts for every dime I spent and then lose them. So out of self-preservation I started keeping track of my own spending and when he gave me cash and when I gave him cash. He had this cute little trick where he would get me to pick up his cheque for him and deposit it in the bank and then take out cash and bring it to him. It had two purposes, to keep me busy running errands for him and later he would insist he gave me his whole cheque, and then demand I answer with a yes or no. Well, if I said no, he called me a liar, but if I said yes, it was a lie also because I didn’t keep any of the money. If I tried to explain I brought the cash to him and said, “Yes but……….” he would scream in my face. “I said, yes…..or no……. it’s simple Carrie. What are you trying to hide? YES or NO! did you pick up my pay cheque?” My stomach still gets knots in it when I think about those fights. I would get so frustrated.

He would start in on me about some money I had spent or owed him and I wouldn’t know what he was talking about, he would refer to his “records” and show me his figures which were a total fabrication but I had no way to prove it. OR he handed me an itemized invoice for money he said I owed him from when we started dating.

I had lost my job by then and there was no way for me to pay him the money yet I figured that if I just paid him the money he said I owed I would keep track of my finances better and it would never happen again. So I sold my car and paid him the thousand and something dollars he said I owed (He had already taken possession of my computer and big screen TV for debt he said I owed him.) When I handed him the cash I asked, “Am I paid up now? Do I owe you for anything?” He said no I didn’t owe him anything. I made him repeat it, “Are you sure I don’t owe you any more money?” and he said yes. I was SO relieved, finally that was dealt with and we wouldn’t fight about it any more.

You can imagine my frustration when it wasn’t even two weeks before he was badgering me for money I owed him.

I got one of those Day Planners where each day has its own page  and every day I would record, finances and things like; whether he came home that night, if we had sex, if I cried, if I nagged at him, if he hit me. More than once I was able to go to my Day Planner when I was being accused of; always crying, always being angry, never having sex, and read to him entries like, “JC and I had sex last night, I sure love him I am hopeful this is a sign he is going to try.” or “I haven’t cried for 4 days, JC and I have been getting along.” “I had supper ready and JC didn’t come home all night.” “I bought JC and I supper out.” He hated that. Then he would take my journal and write in his own entries. At one point he destroyed them all so I only have journals from 2006-1010. So be forewarned, he won’t like the fact that you journal and will destroy them if he has a chance.

It didn’t stop the lying though or the fights about what had been said and what I had misunderstood. I remember one time particular after I had sold my car. The wospos had traded his antique 1970 Chev Sprint for a flat deck truck and was hauling scrap cars, he was forever getting perfectly good cars given to him and every single time he would come in all excited and tell me he had brought my new car home. There were several cars I was thrilled with, some of them antiques, some muscle cars but my enthusiasm was quick to fade because I would no sooner register the car in my name, which cost $18 every time; and he would have sold it. A person would think, “Why would he bother to put it in my name if he didn’t intend on giving it to me?”

1. Because it costs $18 every time and he was getting a lot of cars

2. If he registered them there was a paper trail when he did his income taxes

3. There was the delicious bonus of getting my hopes and dashing them again.

The neighbor Chuck who the wospos and I had gotten to know quite well, would laugh when he saw the wospos’s truck coming with a car on it and say, “OH look! JC has brought home your new car!” then stand behind the wospos’s back giggling as he told me this was going to be my new car and I needed to register it.  If I didn’t register it I was told, “Fine, so you don’t get a car.”  So it went for a long time. THEN he came home and said he had just bought me a new car from his buddy Jim (the apath I have talked about in other posts) and we had to go pick it up. I was leery of course and when we got to Jim’s I stayed in the truck. The wospos asked if I wasn’t going to get out and see my new car. I hesitated but then he always said I was so ungrateful I thought I had better act enthusiastic just in case he meant it this time. Jim and his wife came out and we all sat on their patio having a smoke and they both were talking like it was my new car. Jim was selling it to JC for the price he had paid for it because JC had said I needed a good safe car to drive and he knew we were short of money. Could it be? was I really going to finally get my own car to drive? Dare I get excited? I went and looked at it and it needed to be cleaned but it was a cute little car and I made sure to show my gratefulness, kissed JC and gave him a big hug, told Jim and his wife how thrilled I was and I started to relax a bit. I gushed all the way home about how thrilled I was with my new car, how I was going to clean it the minute we got home. The wospos looked at me and said, “Your car? who said it was your car?” I was obviously gutted and he got that grin he used to get when he had pulled off a scam and sucked me in again.

Me, “But you said…..”

Him, “I paid $500 for that car, I bought it to sell it, NOT give it to YOU.”

Me, ” But Jim ….”

Him, “I don’t know where you got the idea it was your car, I never said any such thing.”

Of course I didn’t even have time to record it before he was denying it, so journaling doesn’t always prevent him lying. When it really comes in handy is months later when he changes history to suit his agenda, then you can go back and at least console yourself with the fact that you are not crazy and didn’t imagine events of the past.

It doesn’t have to be detailed, just point form is good enough, but make sure you record dates and times – we can usually remember an event but in a court of law you are going to need to know exact dates and times or else the N will lie his face off and you won’t have a leg to stand on. A judge loves someone who comes to court prepared, it makes his job so much easier and if a judge gets the feeling a person is lying to him; he doesn’t rule in their favor. You’ve watched Judge Judy, someone lying to her pisses her right off.


filesI have never been to court with the N but I went for a ticket I got from a Department of Transport officer (on second thought, I am sure he was a narcissist)who didn’t like scrap haulers, especially women scrap haulers and wrote me up for a bunch of bogus charges totally almost $2000. I walked out of the court room with my fines reduced to $200 and the judge gave me a year to pay them, all because I had pictures and the officer didn’t, he didn’t make details notes and I walked in with a file folder full of notes, receipts and character references, I had recorded every time I tried to call the officer and he didn’t call back, I had read the rules and regulations and was able to quote them, but had photo copies in the folder  and the officer was unsure of them. I loved that and said, “You are unsure of the regulations?”
He said, “Well, yeah they changed and they are rather confusing.”
I said,”Do you recall when they changed the regulations?”
He replied two years ago.
Me: “So you are saying that at the time you wrote me the ticket, one year ago you were confused by the regulations?”
The judge looked at him and said,”Answer the lady.”

I asked him if he recalled what he had said to me when I tried to explain why the truck exhaust was loud and he said no he didn’t.

I got my notebook and read, “I don’t want to appear like I don’t care, but I don’t care.”

The judge looked at him and said, ‘You said that?”

DOT officer, “Well yeah, by that time she was crying.”
Judge, “Who was crying?”
I put up my hand and said, “Me your honor.”
Judge looking at the officer, “She was crying?”
DOT officer, “Typical woman, thinks she can turn on the tears and get off.”
I could barely contain myself and had to hold back from yelling, “I rest my case!!”
Judge with a look of disbelief at the DOT officer, “I think I have heard enough.”

Take the 5 minutes at the end of the day, preferably when the N isn’t around and hide your journal so he doesn’t find it; it doesn’t have to be well written, just notes jotted down, dates, times, pertinent remarks, the nights he says he is working late, the phone number you find in a pocket, anything that strikes you as odd, that makes your gut react in some way. When he tells you something that just does not make sense, make note of it and wait, the truth always comes out eventually and then you can go back and check your notes and verify you were right all along.

The N relies on a person’s memory fading with time so even when his lies are exposed it is easier for him to lie his way out of it. It won’t win an argument for you but it WILL verify what you have suspected and you are not crazy or imagining things and make it easier for you to feel justified in leaving his lying ass.

I am not telling you this so you will win fights with the N on a day-to-day basis, that is impossible, I am telling you to journal to save your sanity and hopefully get you out of the relationship before you truly lose your mind.

If you do have to go to court you will have documented evidence of any money you gave him, dates, times, of when he saw other women, dates times and pics of any abuse or material possessions he destroyed.

If you have children you will have recorded any abuse, missed visitation, that sort of thing.

It is so vitally important that you keep all and any evidence such as text messages, voice mails, emails, that sort of thing. Even if they are not particularly nasty, you might need to prove he was contacting you after you told him not to and now he is accusing you of harassing him. You never know what might come in handy.

Do not for a minute fool yourself into thinking you can split from a narcissist amicably, he may say he wants things to be fair and friendly; but remember, there is no such thing as fair with an N.

Besides, what does it hurt to keep a journal? if you never use it in court it just might be the reading material you need to remind yourself how crazy things got, after you leave and you are filled with doubt.