If you are here you are looking for answers because you are not sure if you are crazy. The man you thought was your soul mate, the man who was almost “too good to be true”, who swept you off your feet; has changed almost overnight and you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell and can’t get off.
I started this blog in April 2011 because I had heard a blog was a great way to promote your business (consequently why it is named what it is). I thought I would talk about my life as a middle-aged woman hauling scrap metal. I had no intention of sharing the details of my 10 year relationship with JC, but it was so toxic and left me with such deep scars and so far out of my comfort zone; I found it impossible to NOT discuss it.
Now this blog is about me, a 57-year-old woman, 4 1/2 years after being discarded in the most cruel way possible by a narcissist/psychopath, and my journey to healing.
When my ex discarded me I was a shell of the self-confident, independent woman I once was.
I had nothing, he had stripped me of everything, including the support of my family, my self-esteem, confidence, my business and my hope. I literally left with $5 and 1/2 a pack of cigarettes, and a pain in my heart so intense I thought for sure it would kill me.
In the nearly 5 years since the relationship ended I have been homeless, had two heart attacks, been stalked and slandered by my ex, stopped hauling scrap and live on welfare, for now anyway. I am currently seeking government funding to re-educate as a Life Skills Counselor helping victims of abuse. I also want to devise a workshop I can take into middle school to educate our teens on these toxic members of society before they too become a statistic.
In the beginning I sat for hours crying, unable to function, broken, beaten and totally helpless.
I had to remind myself to breath and even thought maybe I could just not remember to breath and will myself to die. How could anyone I loved so completely and unconditionally, my soul mate, be so hateful? What had I done to deserve such treatment? How could he change over night into some one I didn’t even know? Was I crazy like he said I was? Did I imagine the abuse? Drive him to be unfaithful with my suspicions? I needed answers, none of it made sense to me and he wasn’t able or willing to explain why? In total hopelessness and despair and at his encouragement (why don’t you just kill yourself no man is ever going to want a psycho bitch like you. You made my life hell for 10 years. I have found the love of my life and she is nothing like you.) I attempted suicide. When I came to the next day and realized I had failed I knew I could not trust myself to not try again and I needed to be accountable to someone. I thought if I declared to the world that I was going to survive I could not very well kill myself. So I set out to find answers and vowed to share what I was going through and what I learned along the way. I invited people to stumble along with me as I blindly tried to save myself.
What makes this blog different from other blogs you will find about narcissists and psychopaths is; I not only share the facts about narcissists and domestic abuse, I share the stupid mistakes I made along the way and my vulnerabilities.
I didn’t know it all, I made all the mistakes and I am probably the slowest person I know to accept the truth. I bare my soul for the whole world to see. At times I have felt I must be the only person feeling the way I did; No one can relate to what a victim of abuse goes through and often times the victim is blamed for their own abuse. They are forced into silence out of shame and embarrassment.
I hope reading my notes will help other victims and the people who love them understand that what they are going through is normal, they are not crazy, it was not their fault and most of all they can survive and there is life and happiness after a narcissist. People who have never been involved with a narcissist can not possibly understand the torment and destruction these people cause in their victim’s lives.
Disparaging JC’s character or revenge is not my intention. Prior to living with JC I had never been in an abusive relationship and felt the same as most people; “Why doesn’t she just leave?” I refer to our relationship as a way of showing how insidious and subtle the abuse is and to show how the victim loses touch with reality. I want to be honest so others feel comfortable speaking out about their experiences.
Psychopaths were only in the movies, narcissist’s were harmless egocentrics, and I had never heard of gas lighting or ambient abuse. The greatest weapon of the abuser is the silence of the victims. If we are to eradicate abuse from society we must speak out, expose their techniques and not keep their secrets out of fear, shame or embarrassment.
JC used to accuse me of making him look like an asshole if I told anyone what went on in our relationship.
My reply was, ” If telling the truth makes you look like an asshole maybe you should stop being an asshole”.
You can be certain JC has a totally different version of events and that is his right, I can only speak my truth. It took a long time for me to accept that he is unable to feel true love, does not have a conscience, and is incapable of empathy.
Narcissists are born this way, can not be healed, are the most dangerous people on the planet and make up 25% of the world population. You probably have one in your family, as a friend, or work with one; dealing with a narcissist at some point in your life is an inevitability.
This is what I hoped to accomplish with this blog:
If by sharing my experiences;
– even one woman is empowered to leave an abusive relationship
- If one person is given insight into how to help a woman caught in the web of deceit and manipulation of narcissism
- If one life is saved
I will feel there was a purpose for what I went through.
I want to prove:
– A person can not only survive a relationship with a narcissist but thrive and come away from it stronger, more confident, and complete.
I have accomplished all the above. The blog has taken on a life of its own and has had over a million hits and at this time has 1630 followers. I have pages of testimonials from victims and family members of victims who credit this blog with saving lives and at the very least their sanity. I accomplished my goal.
I did not start the blog with the intention of making money and don’t charge for any of the information I offer, but it has gotten so big that it does occupy a lot of my time and I struggle to keep it up and running. If you are helped in some way by the information I share, a small donation would be greatly appreciated. You can find a donate button on the side bar of the blog.
At the top of the sidebar is an ESCAPE button, if you have not left your abuser and he walks in while you are on the internet you can click on the escape button and it will immediately take you to Huffington Post. Hot Peaches is a website that gives numbers for Domestic Abuse Resources anywhere in the world.
Remember that someone can have spyware on your computer, keystroke trackers and check your history and cookies. There is a way to browse the net incognito, please look into protecting yourself.
There is a “search” button, categories cloud, and tag cloud; either enter a search term or click on a category or tag that interests you. All the post related to that category, tag or search term will be listed. There is also a list of the top posts ever in the sidebar.
Please visit the Support Forum where other victims at various stages of healing congregate to give each other support and to seek support when they need a friendly ear. We are all so used to no one believing us because it sounds so bizarre, but everyone who goes to the support forum has been there, no one is judging you and we all understand. You will never feel alone again.
I do give private advice via email at email@example.com but charge $25 an email which can be paid through the PayPal donate button.
I proudly stand here before you as proof
that it is
possible to survive
and thrive after leaving a narcissist/psychopath.
- Sociopathic Narcissism (dissidentvoice.org)
- Birthday Bumps (ladywithatruck.wordpress.com)
- Living With A Psychopath (whatispsychology.biz)
- Closing the Door on Abusive Relationships (cauldronsandcupcakes.com)
- The Inevitable Happened (ladywithatruck.wordpress.com)
- For My Ex-Fiance (scarlettartlet.com)
- Abuse Victims Get Less Compassion Than Criminals (ladywithatruck.wordpress.com)
- Stay or Leave – Women in abusive relationships (comm663.wordpress.com)