Another Murder Only This Time The Children Died

I could not believe what I was hearing on the radio. They were talking about a woman who had been murdered by her boyfriend and the bodies were found in a trailer. I thought I was hearing an update to the murder earlier this week but then they said 3 children were found dead along with their mother in Tisdale Saskatchewan. I found this news story about it.

From what the news is saying, the boyfriend and the mother of the children had an on again off again relationship lately. A good friend of the woman said no one suspected he would do something like this and she had often wished she could find a man like him because he treated his girlfriend so well and loved her so much. Yet a close family member of the woman called him emotionally abusive, jealous and controlling. Steve, the murderer, took pictures of the dead family, mother and 3 children under the age of 9 and sent them to the father of the children via text message. Apparently, the new boyfriend had really resented the fact that the father came to the home to visit the children often. 

Sound familiar? super sweet in front of other people yet emotionally abusive, controlling and jealous behind doors, he was never physically violent before, “only” emotionally abusive, jealous and controlling.

Still doubting whether you should stay no contact?

Even if you don’t care if something happens to you, YOU are an adult and you can do whatever you want to do, you can put your life at risk, you can play Russian Roulette all you want, but if you have children; they don’t have a choice and they will suffer with you whatever happens, or die with you. Is anything worth risking your child’s well being? Is this “love” worth your child’s life?

I understand that those of you who have a child with a narcissist/psychopath are scared to death for your child’s safety and I don’t blame you and certainly don’t want to add to your fears and you do have to abide by court ordered child custody agreements and you do have to talk to the narcissist but you don’t have to be his “friend”. You are still far better off and less likely to incur his wrath if you keep it cool and use the “Grey Rock Method” of dealing with him/her. What is more likely to insight his rage is an on again off again relationship.

I can’t help but wonder if the woman would have continued to see him had she ever visited this site and knew she wasn’t crazy, and if she wouldn’t have had a friend telling her that she wished she could meet a wonderful man like that; if thimgs would have been different.

Everyone has to keep speaking out,keep spreading the word about these people so they can’t hide behind their masks and lies any more. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are paranoid, vindictive, or over reacting. If your gut says you are in danger believe your gut, if it is telling you that something is just not right; get out!!

I Can’t Seem To Stay Away-No Contact Is Just Too Hard

“He always talks his way back into my life”, “I don’t think he could ever really hurt me”, “Once we split he always feels so sorry and I take him back”, “He just won’t leave me alone, I asked him to, but he keeps calling, telling me he needs me”; “I feel sorry for him”, “He admitted to everything he ever did wrong and cried real tears”, “I will just go talk to him, hear what he has to say”, “I know I should stay away but he makes me feel guilty”, “I know he is a liar, I just want to see what he has to say for himself”, “I know he is unhealthy for me but I can’t help it, I love him, I need him, I am addicted to him”, “I am trying to wean myself from him slowly,” “maybe if I break it off slowly it won’t hurt so bad or he will slowly get the hint and find someone else”.

I am sure I have missed a few of the excuses you tell yourself and anyone who asks why you keep him in your life even though he makes you so unhappy and treats you so badly. You probably think you are only hurting yourself, what harm can it do to just hear what he has to say? You can always think of a hundred reason to call him, I remember almost daily I could come up with some problem only he could solve, or need advice only he could give, or have some need to be in his neighborhood. Especially when you first split, every where you go you are thinking about him, you see something that you know he would like, you hear something that you know would interest him, you will feel the need to contact him dozens of times in a day. It took me over a year to not want to buy something I knew he would like, or when I saw something while hauling scrap that I knew he would have been thrilled to get off my truck; I struggled with tossing it off the truck and not giving it to him. I remember how we would split and still never go a full day without seeing each other or at least making contact somehow. I would lie to everyone, even myself; and say I won’t take him back this time, this time he had taken it too far, cheated one too many times, or messed with my truck for the last time but I really wanted him to come to me and beg me to come back. I was a prime candidate to be sucked in by the lies, because I wanted to hear them so bad. As long as he was lying to me, I could lie to myself and I was off the hook and didn’t have to take responsibility for my own pain. After all, he lied; I was honest. But to be honest, I knew when he was lying, especially in the last few years, the last time he came to apologize, I knew he was lying but i didn’t have proof, plus he was saying all the things I longed to hear for so long and I didn’t have any better offers. I wanted to believe he was being honest, so I did.

I conveniently forgot those times when he had stalked me, the times I had feared for my life, he appeared so sincere now in front of me with tears streaming down his face, this man in front of me was not the same man who had stood towering over me spewing his hate-filled venom at me, calling me a selfish bitch with his fists clenched and loathing in his eyes, as I ;lay curled in a ball in the corner with my arms wrapped around my head yelling for help. After all, we had gone a couple of years without any sign of violence on his part, mind you, I had been independent and had my own place so he was not in the power position, he knew it was easy for me to leave. That is why when we got back together he had to destroy my truck and my ability to be independent. Once he did, there was nothing to stop his hatred. There is no way i can tell you what he was thinking. it makes no sense to beg a person back so you can hate them, make them dependent on you so you can reject them. That is something that someone filled with hate would do. A normal person would want to get as far away as possible from a person they hate.  He told me once that he had never been as violence with any women like he was with me and that when I was curled in a ball and he saw that fear in my eyes he felt powerful, he liked it, knowing he could reduce me to a shake blob of fear curled on the floor. but it disgusted him at the same time, he didn’t respect me.

As with all things, what gives a person a rush of adrenaline, what excites them loses it’s effect after a while and the narcissist has to ramp it up to get the same sense of power. For one thing, the victim gets immune to the abuse and doesn’t react as strongly the 15th time she catches him screwing around, he knows she will take him back, she always does, she knows she will take him back, she always does. It becomes “just the way they are”, the victim gets complacent and loses her natural instincts to sense danger because it has become part of the day, part of the way the relationship “works”, he gets angry, she does this, he does that, he apologizes, she forgives, and so it goes but it gets boring for the narcissist. The narcissist thrives on power, if he can make you cry he feels in control, after you have forgiven him so many times he has to do something worse to prove to himself he still has that power and control. At some point in time, who knows when; he will cross the line and go too far. He will get lost in his need to control, he is a sick person remember, he doesn’t think like a normal person, he doesn’t reason like a normal person. The victim is the cause of all things bad in his life and to continue to play Russian Roulette with a narcissist is gambling with your life, you never know when he will lose all sense of reality or just stop pretending to care, you will be more bother than you are worth. Or you will finally end it before he is ready, or he will just deem you worthless.

I was talking to a fellow the other day and he happens to be good friends with the people who live next door to the woman who was burned alive by her abusive boyfriend. He told me that his friends had to move out of their trailer because it was so badly smoke damaged and the trailer next door is just a charred rumble. His friends have a 16 year old son who refuses to ever go back to the trailer. He can’t even go in the trailer park, the minute he does he has a panic attack. All the kid keeps seeing the trailer engulfed in flames and hearing the screams from inside. I asked if the couple were split at the time and he said it had been an “on again off again” relationship. They had been split at the time and he was staying with friends in a small community about 20 minutes away. That is where the police found him and arrested him that night.

You can bet that the woman knew he could kill her, but she told herself she was being paranoid, he never really hurt her, maybe she thought she was appeasing him by staying in contact, maybe she was afraid to end it totally and thought she could wean him out of the relationship. Or maybe she thought he could change, who knows what she was thinking but she obviously was playing Russian Roulette, had gotten complacent with the abuse, numbed to it, the relationship had become “just the way they were” maybe she was tired of the fighting and found it easier to just give in to him. I am sure if she would have thought he was going to kill her she would have taken precautions, When I feared for my life I didn’t go to the cops, I was afraid they would think I was crazy, I didn’t tell anyone because whenever I did people would shut down, change the subject, tell me I was imagining things and look at me like I was insane.

if you wait for ;proof that he can kill you it will be too late. Believe me, if he is capable of hurting you to the degree he has already, he doesn’t have a conscience that would stop him from killing you. I am not even telling you to leave, that is something you have to do with well thought out plan if possible but once you do leave, or he leaves you; please stay away.

You Know When You Have Been Smoozed

Anyone who has worked in business to any degree knows how to smooze and knows when they have been smoozed. It is part of doing business, tell a person what they want to hear, make them feel they have been heard and in actual fact nothing has been done or changed. When I worked in the payables dept at a major company I got really good at “smoozing” customers who would call in irate about not being paid yet. My co-workers would laugh and say I was going to to go to hell for the bullshit I spewed to make the customer happy. It was part of the job and I understand what and why the CEO did what he did. I could have predicted what was going to happen when I went to see the CEO but I wanted to go in with an open mind and see what he had to say. My definition of “smoozing”; (which by the way I really don’t think is a real word and something I just made up) is telling a person what they want to hear in order to appease them and save face. Whenever you have to deal with people in the business world you end up smoozing, or you wouldn’t last too long, but it is basically harmless, no one’s future is hanging in the balance. I do think there comes a point where no matter what the consequences are to a person, they have to be honest, admit their mistake and correct their error and I don’t think that has been done in my case. I understand that they are reliant on government funding to stay in business, they don’t want bad publicity for sure so the sooner they can appease me and shut me up the better, blaming me is even better, but I refuse to own any blame in this.

He is a kindly older gentleman and everyone in the office seemed surprised I had a meeting with him, the receptionist asked 3 times who I was there to see. He said he was terribly sorry that I had not come him right away (notice how it is MY fault because I didn’t come to him right away)  because I was “this close” (he showed with his thumb and fore finger space barely visible) to being approved. In fact he had been shocked to find out I had withdrawn my application. He said the only problem had been my budget didn’t balance with the facts (in other words he accused me of fudging my budget) because it didn’t contain the $9600 student loan. I explained that was because I didn’t get the approval until after I had handed in my application, I told the worker as soon as I knew and she changed my app. He kept putting it back on me saying I should have come to him. For one thing, it took me 3 days to find out who I needed to take my complaints to, his name is not on any paperwork I ever saw. There was no place that said, “If you have any problems call………” That is what my worker is for, I thought, but then he already said one was incompetent and the other one “misled me”.

The message he wants me to believe: He is totally innocent, he was going to approve me, if only I had come to him in the first place instead of going off half cocked, writing this letter to the better business bureau and causing all this trouble for him. Classic pass the buck bullshit in my estimation.

He denied ever saying he thought I should finance the whole thing through student loans, he never would have expected me to do that. He said that all it would have taken is another, maybe hour of work and I would have been approved. He would have burned the midnight oil to get my package done in time for me to start school. He had no idea why I had dropped out.

Of course it is all a mute point now because school has started and I am not in class. AND here is the kicker, I live in a different catchment now and out of his jurisdiction; but he encouraged me to reapply in my new area because I was so close to being approved.

As far as the employees, well that first worker was fired as soon as they realized how incompetent she was and the new worker was no better, as far as he is concerned, she basically lied to me. He and his underling,Ron,are totally innocent of any wrong doing, it was all the fault of their incompetent staff.

I am not letting it rest there though. I wanted to think on it and digest it for a day or two before I did anything. School has started and the next classes aren’t until July 6th so I have time to decide what I want to do. I am going to contact my worker and tell her what he said. I should have requested a meeting with her and him at the same time, maybe then I would have gotten the truth but as it stands he blew smoke up my ass and called it sunshine. It isn’t over until the plus sized lady sings and so far I only hear the birds.

As it turns out, there is no way I could have started school on time with the move and all. Stella was so freaked out about the boat at first she would have barked all day if I would have left her alone. By July she will be well adjusted and secure here, so maybe it is for the best. I am going to request the CEO provide his own recommendation stating that I was “this close” to be approved and he would like my app expedited, we will see how he responds. If he is being straight up he should not have a problem with that.

We will see what happens as the drama unfolds.

Like Feathers in the Wind *Trigger Warning*

Carrie Reimer:

Powerful, just what I have come to expect from this woman’s blog, gut wrenching, honest and worthwhile.

Originally posted on Picking Up the Pieces:

Do I make you uncomfortable?

I watch you wince and squirm on the edge of your seat

as though you were being slowly turned inside out

by my words.

Do I make you feel ill at ease?

I watch you cast down your eyes

and nervously scour the floor for something else to focus on

as my voice cascades over you like a tidal wave.

Do I really repel you so?

I witness your frantic internal struggle

to pull yourself above the churning sea, gasping for air,

even as you sit still in that chair feigning a smile, pretending to listen,

yet all the while you’re ever so on edge as you hope and pray for a way out.

Do I make you want to hide?

I watch you as you cringe

at the images swirling in your head

and then shake your head furiously side to side, arms crossed

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