You may has noticed I have been around a bit more, and yes I am back, just busily trying to catch up on posts on the sites I follow and still cleaning up the mess the hackers left in their wake. Narcissists no doubt. Of course they are narcissist, who else does something like that? Who else but a narcissist would overtake someone’s email and play on people’s sympathies to get money? What I found especially reprehensible was that they used the tragic situation in the Ukraine as part of their scheme; so totally narcissistic!!
Once again I found myself mopping up the mess left behind by someone who invaded my personal space for their personal gain. I had no idea how invasive something like getting your email hacked can be. It even crossed my mind that it was JC because it was so destructive. My email had contained all my personal information off of the laptop I had been used, because before I gave it back to my brother I emailed all my personal files to myself to be held in gmail until such time I got another laptop. Not only did they invade my email and approach all my contacts asking for money they then changed all my security question answers and closed the account. I would have been able to retrieve my account if I would have been able to answer my security questions but of course I couldn’t. FYI, there is no one you can talk to personally at gmail, you can only communicate through the forum and they just keep asking you the same questions that you know the answers to but told over and over again you are wrong. Sound familiar?
To add insult to injury I used my gmail account to sign into most of my other apps, like Facebook, You Tube, aboutme, twitter, WordPress, and the list goes on. Once my email was closed I lost access to all those accounts also. Top top it all off, trying to rectify the situation was made even more frustrating by having to do it all using my cell phone. It felt far too personal to be just a hacker who randomly picked me, but there are too many other people out there who have had it happen for it not to be. So beware, many sites are now offering 2-step verification and I advise everyone to activate it.
So, what is a lavender laptop you wonder. It is that beacon of light at the end of a tunnel, it is that hand extended into the darkness, the understanding ear when you are so frustrated and feeling too tired to give a shit any more. I received a private email from my dear friend Paula from Paula’s Pontifications (I have reposted from her sight many times) she is another
survivor thriver of abuse, and she offered me a laptop she had that she said was just sitting there. I accepted, with tears streaming down my face. Within a few weeks it arrived as promised, special delivery. I picked up the parcel from the post office and opened it in the car immediately, all of a sudden my car was transformed into a lavender garden. I love the scent of lavender and always plant it where ever I live, it is a calming scent and even when it is strong it is never too much; the scent was unmistakable to me and sure enough wrapped in with the laptop was scented soap, a sachet of lavender, some lotion and a card with words of encouragement and love. I cried.
The laptop is wonderful and empowering; but more than the laptop; it is the act that did the most for me. From the day I received Paula’s email my life took a turn for the better, good things started happening. Then a few days later I got a call from an old friend of mine, Tina who has moved away but has taken to reading my blog and she was calling to say she wanted to send me a tablet and she would get back to me when she figured out the details. (she lives in a remote area away from any major cities) I cried.
I still had not received anything tangible but those two women gave me so much more than a laptop. I don’t even know if I can describe it adequately. They cared (not that other people didn’t care, I know many people cared and my family cared) they validated my writing, they validated what I do and didn’t want me to stop, and that meant more than I can say. But it wasn’t just that either. They believed in me and it had a snowball effect. They say that a negative attitude brings negative things into a person’s life and positive brings positive; I have always believed that but some times no matter how hard you try you just can not be positive. It is easier said than done, you can pray, you can be thankful but deep down you are tired, sick of the struggle, sick of being violated, sick of being sick and you just can not feel positive. The minute I got Paula’s email my attitude changed, here was someone who didn’t have to reaching out, you can’t get much more positive than that and then as if to reinforce it Tina called. Not only was it wonderful to talk to my old friend, it was wonderful that she accepts the new me.
Lets face it, I am not the person I once was, deep down yes I am but in so many ways I am not and yet she still loves me and accepts me for who I am today. More validation.
I like myself more than I ever have in my life but it still feels good to have someone else like you too. Someone who knew the old you, someone who doesn’t have to love you.
And like miracles happen, day by day and bit by bit good things started coming my way. I had to apply for welfare because I wasn’t getting my separation slip from my brother and I hate to go to welfare, any time I have I end up giving up because of the attitude of the people who work there. But this time the woman was so kind and helpful and I felt she cared, but it is still a lot of jumping through hoops. Whereas in the past I would get frustrated with the red tape, hoops I’d have to jump through and attitude I would have to deal with this time I just went with the flow and gave up control. I could not make things move any faster than they were. Finally I got my separation slip and within a week I had money in my account, I was able to call welfare (and the woman who answered had a real attitude, like I was interrupting something important she had to do) and tell them I no longer needed assistance so they could close my file. (her attitude changed then) I had enough money to get caught up with my rent, (I will not be able to keep my house and will continue to rent it until it sells, who knows if it is in God’s plan it won’t sell and if it does I have to believe he has something better planned for me) I was able to pay my hydro bill and cell phone bill up to date. I paid back friends who had lent me money, and I even had enough to pay the vet bill of the dog that Laila attacked and fill my fridge and cupboards with food and fill my gas tank.
At almost exactly the same time my brother got a huge renovation job on another casino out of town and my services were needed, I owed him money from the time when I wasn’t getting my EI money so I worked for free, finding hotels, labour out of town, and working on the site safety manual. Relieved to be able to avoid getting more in debt. In the middle of all that the laptop arrived.
Not that much has changed but everything has changed.
I was no where near as down as I had been and things are just as tentative as they always were, but for today and this week I am paid up with my bills, I have food and I am feeling positive and able to tackle whatever comes my way.
There are so many things that affect a person’s frame of mind and for me; my weight is a big issue. I was anorexic many years ago and haven’t even owned a scale for 30 years. When I met JC I wore size 11 jeans. I am 5’11″ so I considered myself slim. After 10 years with him I was wearing size 7/8 jeans and even getting into 5/6′s depending on the style. Of course I worked damn hard and that helped keep my weight down also. Well since my last heart attack and without the constant barrage of drama and trauma from JC I have steadily put on weight. I truly don’t mind, I think I was too skinny and everyone has said I look better now than I have for a long time; but all my clothes were getting uncomfortably tight and to someone who has a thing about her weight that is deadly. I was finally able to go to Value Village and buy myself a couple of pairs of jeans that fit and that has had an enormous impact on my state of mind.
I have no idea how much weight I have gained because I refuse to get on a scale.
I have saved the best for last. My brother asked my son to come to work on this new job and offered him full time work and my boy is coming home!! he will be back in BC by the end of this week. I am so happy!! He will be working in a town about 1/2 an hour from where his daughter lives so hopefully we will be able to see her together and maybe just maybe we will be able to see her at Easter and my mom and step dad are planning on driving out there so we can spent Easter together. I will keep my fingers crossed but whatever happens I am just blessed and thankful my boy is going to be near by.
SO, that is the news from my end.
I am back and really happy about it. Now that I am back, I think I needed a break from it all, time to rejuvenate and refresh. There is a fair amount of stress involved in dealing with people who are going through probably the worst time of their lives, it is hard to repeat yourself day after day after day, continually rehash your experiences in order to relate to someone who is devastated. I want to help others but I have to remember to take care of myself first. That is what got me into the relationship to begin with; putting myself last on the list, thinking I could do what I needed to do for me, “later”.
God has a way of making us stop even when we don’t think we should. I should know that by now.