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Difficult To Love

A good friend emailed this link to me the other day and I wanted to share it with everyone. It reminded me of what James said to me one time after days, probably weeks of refusing to say “I love you” and pulling away if I went to touch him and I finally went to him and knelt in front of him, put my hands on his knees and looked him in the eye and told him I would leave if that is what he wanted but I didn’t know what more I could do, I couldn’t stay where I was this unwanted. His reply to me was,

“It’s not so easy to love someone when they don’t love you back is it?” 

That was it, and I was left sitting there wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean. Was I being punished for some other woman who broke his heart? So I started making the plans to leave because I will not ever stay where I am not welcome and then it was me leaving him, it wasn’t his idea. I had misunderstood, was being paranoid, didn’t I know his love was cyclable? I was too needy, too demanding, had expectations and if I didn’t have expectations I wouldn’t get let down. 

About every 3 years James would say something profoundly truthful but I didn’t take it for what it obviously said, That he just didn’t love me and never would, I allowed him to mess with my head, play games, push me away, pull me close so he could push me away and make me feel foolish.

If someone truly loves you their love is not cyclable, if someone loves you they do everything within their power to NOT hurt you, not to cause you pain. and if they do hurt you they will do everything within their power to make amends.

Here is the link.

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Great Article On How to Avoid Being Raped Or Abducted

Great post on protecting yourself from being raped, every woman should read this. It also has great safety measures for when you leave a domestic abuse situation. the link is here


A Journey Back In Time And A Glimpse To The Future

I recently was asked by the Canadian Center for Victims of Violence to write my story of domestic abuse for their monthly newsletter. She explained that the newsletter is read by law enforcement, politicians and other people responsible for change.

I was of course honored to be asked but also felt the pressure of responsibility that I was being given an opportunity to make a difference in the way victims of abuse are viewed. I wanted to show that victims of abuse are not weak, co-dependent and some how responsible for their abuse and that abusers can be someone you would never suspect. I wanted to convey how my cries for help were ignored and how important it is to believe and support victims. The woman who asked me to write the article said it could be 2000 words and if it went longer they would break it up into two parts, one would be published in Sept and the other in Oct. As you all know I can tend to get wordy but thought I could manage to tell my story in 4000 words. 

It took me a couple of weeks of stops and starts, whole days spent trying to find the words only at the end of the day trashing the whole thing and starting over again the next day

I would find myself typing away and having to stop, watch a video or I would have to lay down and take a nap, I started dreaming about James, not night mares just dreams with him in them. I started to feel depressed. I didn’t know where this was coming from, I have been writing about my relationship with James for 3 years without a problem. I was unable to stay on task, I spent days literally typing a paragraph and then napping for an hour, whole days wasted thinking and not accomplishing anything. I started to worry I would never get the article written, nothing flowed. 

I eventually went to the doctor and got anti depressants, something I have avoided for 3 years, but I had to get a handle on this lack of motivation, I have my application for funding to re educate to complete and it requires a lot of time and I hadn’t even started on it. I had two open houses to prepare for, one each of the last two Sundays. I was feeling overwhelmed and I was concerned enough to consider giving up the blog and abandoning my plans for going back to school. 

Then it hit me why I can write here and I couldn’t write one 4000 word article for a publication and it was the same reason I had struggled when I wrote the article for the magazine. When I write for the blog I take an incident and write about an aspect of the relationship, or I am responding to a comment made by someone coming into the blog, someone asks a specific question and I relate my experiences as a way of answering their query. I realized that I have never had to tell my story from start to finish, I have remembered the whole relationship and written about every aspect of the relationship and even had epiphanies while writing here but I have never looked at the relationship in it’s entirety.

When I got to 14,000 words and still was not done telling my story I realized I was in big trouble, no problem I only had to cut it down by 10,000 words!! and I hadn’t even touched on whole segments of my life with James. I wanted to explain the whole relationship in a way that people would really “get it” but you know what? there are no words that can adequately describe what the victim goes through and I need to stop feeling I have to justify why I stayed as long as I did.

On Monday I started to cut it down and by Tuesday I had it down to 9,300 (or something close) words. I stayed up until 3 am Tuesday to get it finished but I got it done. I had relived the whole relationship from the first time I met him, I relived the excited anticipation of our first date, the feelings of love growing and I remembered thinking how lucky I felt, I remembered how strange it felt to sleep with him at first and how after not too long I couldn’t sleep without him and how I thought I could get through anything as long as I could lay my head on his chest at the end of the day. I remembered how for 10 years I got butterflies in my stomach every time I heard his vehicle or saw him pull in the driveway. I remembered how hearing his voice always made me smile even at the worst times. God I loved that man, I thought I knew him inside and out, I thought I knew his passions and what made him happy, I thought he was always going to be in my life and the bad shit I saw was not the real him; I thought I knew the “real” James and the connection was too strong for either one of us to deny. I relived it and let it go.

When I wrote out all the times he screwed around, all the times he demanded I pay him money, the times he threatened me and hit me or destroyed my stuff, the times I woke up and found him sleeping with his face on the keyboard of his laptop because he had been watching porn and fell asleep and another little piece of my soul broke away. And when I thought about all the lies, the horrible soul crushing lies and how he tormented me with blame, shame and gas-lighting, I could finally connect the two men who were one. 

Then I did something I haven’t done for a long time, I went and looked at his picture. i stared at it, I tried to remember what his voice sounded like, how his lips felt, what he smelled like, how his hands felt, I remembered I always loved his hands, hard working big hands that made me feel so safe and in the end threatened my safety. I looked long and hard at the pictures and for the life of me I don’t know what I saw in him, why I thought he was so sexy and good looking. And I looked at a picture of him and Marisa and I really stared at it trying to, I don’t know, see something I missed? What I saw was a woman in love in the early pictures of them and a woman in pain in the last pictures. I know she thought as I did that she had met her soul mate and was so blessed to have found this wonderful man and I am sure she is thinking they will be together forever and no woman has ever loved him like she does and she knows him better than anyone ever has. That destiny brought them together and for better or worse they will always be together. I realized that the man I was looking at was not the James I knew, not the James I met and not the James I left. This James is Marisa’s James, mine is dead. 

After I emailed my article off with a note saying “I know this is 5 x’s longer than it should be and I give you my full permission to edit it all you want, I just can not work on it any longer.” Then at 3:01 am I went in to check my blog activity before I went to bed and there right at the top at 2:57:34 was Powell River and my heart stopped. Just the thought that he was in my blog at that exact time caused a reaction, what was the reaction about? I only knew I wanted to get out of there right now and clicked the screen closed and went to bed. 

The next night I was tired because I was up so late the night before and fell asleep on the couch. I was awakened by Stella barking and realized someone was knocking at the door. I checked the clock, 11:15 pm, my heart was pounding almost out of my chest and I went to the door and asked who it was and they said, “It’s me”. I stepped back from the door and yelled “Who?” and they said “Wayne”. I felt myself exhale and realized I had been holding my breath; and I realized why I had to get out of the blog tracking app and why it was so hard to write about the relationship in it’s entirety. I am truly afraid of him, and the fear comes from not knowing who I was in love with for 10 years, and because I have every reason to be afraid.

I realized, truly saw how dysfunctional the relationship was, and how I tried to make it normal and deal with it normally and how futile it all was. By writing it out in it’s entirety I saw how crazy life had become, the tiny thread of hope I clung to for so long. It didn’t make me sad or angry or fill me with regret; it made me think, “My God you really are strong, how did you survive it? how did you go on day after day?” and I realized how far I have come. And once again I am back in peace with my life and I never took even one of the anti–depressants. 

As things tend to go in life I went into my Facebook for the first time since the end of July when I started writing the article and there was a message from James’s son’s mother. MY heart stopped and I checked it right away, fearing something had happened to James’s son . But they were at a family reunion in a town in BC. i guess they don’t really know BC and didn’t realize they were at least a 12 hour drive from me because she said that James’s son would really like to see me. I felt so bad because the message was over 2 weeks old. I messaged back that I had just gotten the message and she messaged back that they were home now. I told her it would have been too far for me to drive anyway but for sure to give her son a hug for me and if they ever get a little further west to for sure give me a call. 

It was kinda the icing on the cake and was another reason I was glad I was in James’s life, I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn’t been with him when his son came out to live with him. Things happen for a reason, I believe that more than ever,

On another up note, my cabin did not sell and it is the last weekend of the summer so it is unlikely it will sell now until next spring, one day, one month, one year at a time and it just keeps getting better. 

Oh and I got my article back from the woman at Victim’s of Violence with some editing and what she had done made sense and made it easier for me to edit it and we got it done. Her comments:

“I have read over your story in detail now- WOW! Your last copy looked great! “

It ended up being just over 8,000 words and will be printed in its entirety in the Sept newsletter. 

I am very happy with the end results. Thank God for editors!


The Making Of A Victim

I find it rather ironic that society blames the victim of her own abuse when it is society that creates the victim to begin with. 

women place

I am going to be guilty of generalizations in this post, I do know that what I am about to say is not 100% across the board the way all girls are raised, what I am saying is generally this is how are girls are raised. I also realize that men are victims of narcissists and female narcissists cause just as much pain and destruction as their male counterparts, BUT there are many more female victims than male. Recent studies show that in Canada a woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, the leading cause of death in women is domestic homicide, passing cancer and car accidents, every night 3300 women seek out the safety of a woman’s shelter and 200 women are turned away because there isn’t room. 

They say that 4% of the world population are psychopaths, that is only the one’s diagnosed, probably because they did murder someone and are in jail. Psychopath’s do not seek out therapy or admit they have a problem because that would ruin their fun, they don’t want to stop hurting and manipulating people, that is how they feed their sick ego and most of them are highly intelligent and are able to avoid detection their whole life, going from victim to victim leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

What is enabling them to do this? How can such an plague on society continue and most people are totally ignorant it exists and the rest of the world ignores it or blames the victim? There MUST be something wrong with the way society functions, there must be something terribly flawed in the way people think for the leading cause of death in women is allowed to grow and feed off of itself unchecked. 

We teach our children about washing their hands, how to handle chicken so you don’t poison yourself, wear a helmet when you ride a bike, don’t smoke, don’t drink and drive, don’t run with scissors in your hand, wear your life jacket, you get searched at airports for weapons, and yet we don’t teach our youth about narcissists, we don’t give our children the weapons they need to detect and defend themselves from this toxic scourge on society – knowledge and self respect.

Society really needs to look at why women in abusive relationship are confused about whether they are being abused or not. It is alarming to me that 90% of women in abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused!! that figure is a guesstimation on my part but if you look back on the comments of women who come in here you will find most women’s first comments are something like, “Thank God I am not crazy!”, “Finally, I know what was happening to me”, “I thought I was alone”.

women and men

Could it be that we give our girls mixed messages their whole life, at home, at school, on tv, in video games, in movies, fashion, politics, sports? We give young people the mixed messages that a woman is the “fairer” sex, they are supposed to be “ladylike”, nurturing, giving, forgiving, martyrs, and yet tell them they can be anything they want to be, can do it on their own, succeed in a “man’s world” but deny them the tools to accomplish it. We criticize women for the exact traits we expect men to possess in order to succeed. As this video shows so well, mainstream media portray women as objects to be owned and abused, powerless, reliant on their beauty to get by.

We teach our boys teamwork through sports etc, if you watch guys in the bar they are slapping each other on the back, they help each other get the girl, most guys will not put the make on his buddy’s woman. If a guy approaches a woman in a bar and she tells him she is not interested he won’t back off, he won’t take no for an answer and will think he just has to wear her down, buy her another drink, compliment her a bit more, and he will eventually get the prize (get her into bed). But if the woman’s boyfriend walks up the guy will apologize all over himself for hitting on the guys woman. Most men have loyalty to their gender. It isn’t called the “Old Boy’s Club” for nothing.

On the other hand women will walk right over top of a girlfriend in her stiletto heels to get to the man. A man acts interested and the girl forgets she has friends with her, if a guy compliments her, tells her she is better than his girlfriend she will soak up the flattery, and feel superior to the other woman, even if secretly. Why? Because we teach our girls that they are in competition against each other for the prize (the man because they are nothing without a man) through beauty contests, advertisements, and TV shows.

Identical traits in women and men are described in totally opposite terms.

Men who are called successful are go getters, strong, intelligent, respected, hard working

Women with the same traits are pushy, overbearing, show offs, rude, abrasive, loud, is neglecting her duties

 

How can we expect women to stand up and say, “I demand respect” when we don’t show her women doing that?

Men demand respect,and make no apologies for doing so, it is expected of them

Women ASK for respect. Please don’t screw around on me, please be honest with me, please care about my feelings. Sorry I snooped and caught you cheating, I am sorry I got angry and raised my voice, If only I could say it the right way he would understand. 

We should not be surprised women take a subservient role and don’t demand respect when we don’t teach them it is acceptable to demand respect and equality. 

I think society, women mostly,

need to teach by example and if they have been abused they need to stand strong and united, break the silence and shame that surrounds the victim’s of abuse and shame the abusers. The strongest tool the narcissist has to destroy his victim is silence. Silence is the enabler, the lie he hides behind, the shaming of the victim, it gives society the right to look the other way. 

Exposing the abuse forces society to acknowledge the problem and that is the first step to stopping it.

 

 


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