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What We Are Teaching Our Children By Example

I received this comment yesterday and I am making it into a stand alone post because I think it is so vitally important for everyone, even people without children. Here is the comment from Martina.

damaged children

“It’s crazy how similar everyone’s story is. Mine crashed two vehicles withing a one month span. One there was a “bee” in the car and the other he thinks he dropped his smoke … I say he’s full of shit. He had no license so no insurance was paid. We also had two cars “stolen”. It a life full of problems with an N. I’m trying so hard to get out … it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face but coming has been a great help. Right now he lives in our dinning room on an inflatable matress … his choice. He doesn’t seem to care that his two little girls are suffering through this. They tell me, “Mommy if you just say sorry everything will be OK” but they don’t understand that I have done nothing to be sorry for … other than stand my ground. Sorry … I’m rambling.”

And my reply.

Martina, first I want to thank you for commenting and say I am so sorry you are going through this, I know first hand how painful and difficult it is AND never apologize for rambling, there is no such thing here. That is what this blog is for, for people to come and share their pain and confusion and hopefully get the strength and answers to change their lives for the better. We have all been where you are; some of us are still there, many are at some point between where you are and finding happiness and some who have discovered their power and are living lives worth living because they are living true to themselves.

What stood out to me about your comment was this statement.

“Mommy if you just say sorry everything will be OK”

That breaks my heart. Not because they don’t understand that you have done nothing to be sorry for, but because they think it is the woman’s role to make the man happy. They believe if you sacrifice your happiness everything will be ok. That their feelings don’t matter and that they feel they are responsibility for their own abuse because if they “just said sorry” the abuse would stop.

What hope do they have of ever having a healthy, loving and respectful relationship with a man? They will either be doormats, turning themselves inside out in order to get and keep a man or they will be a closed off bitch who has built a wall around herself in order to avoid the vulnerability of true love.

I know you are not solely to blame for this, there are two parents raising these girls; unfortunately their father is getting exactly what he wants, his girls thinking that his happiness supercedes anything else and they are ganging up on you to “just comply” and everything would be alright.

Think about what you want for your daughters, if you saw them in a relationship like yours what would you say to them?

If they believe now that saying sorry will fix everything, imagine how warped their view of loving relationships will be by the time they are in their 20’s.

insp1

But all is not lost!! Although you have no control over the kind of person your husband is and you had no idea when you got pregnant what he was going to be like as a father; you didn’t even know evil people like this existed. You have spent how ever many years trying to save your marriage and long before you picked up on the fact that you were even being abused he has been whittling away at your self confidence and taking away your control. But now that you know what you are dealing with you have control over what you allow into your life and how your children grow up.

It is a scary prospect to take back control of your life but I can think of no better motivation than knowing you are teaching your daughters how to be a strong, independent women and that their feelings DO matter and they DO deserve respect and they DO have choices, and the right to say NO.  Love never hurts, love doesn’t require one person to sacrifice all for the happiness of the other person.

I read a long time ago that we teach people how to treat us and it is the truth, as hard as that is to accept; because it sounds like I am blaming the victim, but I’m not, not totally anyway. In the case of a narcissist none of us knew what we were getting into and at first they treated us very well and we felt it only fair to compromise on issues and give the benefit of doubt because they had (appeared) to love us unconditionally and we wanted to reciprocate. We didn’t realize it was the start of a slow and methodical plot to destroy our self worth and uniqueness. For the first time in our lives we felt loved for exactly who we were, when in truth he despised or was jealous of who we were and wanted to exploit it. By the time we realized we had lost our power we were in too deep to just walk away. It is hard to extricate ourselves and unfortunately we are not the only one’s who suffer damage, it’s everyone in our lives, including children.

The children of a narcissist have a tough road in life at the best of times but when they are raised with the N in the home it invariably causes major emotions scars and they end up with a lifetime legacy if they don’t get help. They don’t even have to get involved with a narcissist, they just have no idea how to give without giving away their identity. The victims that have the hardest time pulling away from the narcissist and dealing with the rejection of the N are the people who were raised by a narcissist, either mother or father. Having an N for a parent is perfect training for ending up in an abusive relationship later in life.

Your responsibility as a mother is to model how a woman should expect to be treated and not accept less. It will be hard at first because they have been influenced by their father their whole life. I would recommend you and the girls find a good family therapist who has dealt with narcissists (they HAVE to be familiar with narcissists, otherwise you are wasting your time and money) and you go without your husband with the purpose of leaving. I would not tell your husband what your plan is because then he will put on the “I’ve changed” act and it will be even more confusing for the girls.

I don’t envy you the position you are in because it is hard enough to leave a narcissist let alone I am sure you are afraid that if you leave their father your girls will turn against you and believe me, he will try to turn them against you and has been already planting seeds in their heads about how life would be perfect if you weren’t so difficult.

It may seem you are between a rock and a hard place, if you leave you take the chance of your children taking his side and turning against you or you live a life of jumping through hoops, having your feelings ignored and being treated with disrespect while your daughters watch and learn. What you choose to do is your decision alone.

You know it isn’t healthy for your daughters, your husband doesn’t care and never will care; right now, by sleeping in the dining room he is getting exactly what he wants, he is literally the centre of the whole family. (hard to ignore someone’s temper tantrum and pouting when they are laying in the middle of the dining room table, at least you won’t have to pass the turkey this Thanksgiving, it’s already on the table) Sorry, I am sure he isn’t sleeping on the table, I just had this visual of him playing the victim and everyone trying to eat dinner while he pouts and throws a hissy fit about how mean you are.

Like I said I don’t know how old your girls are but depending on their ages I would explain to them that you have nothing to be sorry about and no one should ever allow themselves to be bullied into doing or saying anything. You can NOT take the advice of your children on how to deal with your marriage, but they should not be in the position of feeling they need to give advice. They are children, they should be concerned with Barbie’s, baby dolls, bed time stories and tea parties and not how to make daddy and mommy happy. Children are always happier and healthier in a home with one happy and self confident parent than in a home with constant fighting and discord. Statistics show that children from abusive homes are more likely to drop out of school, get pregnant, get into drugs, alcohol, and have more illness and lower grades and that doesn’t take into account the baggage they pack into adulthood and their relationships. I am not meaning to place this all on your shoulders because it is largely your husband’s fault, but he doesn’t care, so it has to fall on you.

No matter what you choose to do, please; find a good therapist for your girls.

Good luck and I will pray for you and your girls. You are welcome to rant/ramble any time you like, there are a lot of people in here more than willing to offer words of advice or just provide a shoulder to cry on.

Hugs

 

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The Benefits of Journaling & Going To Court

journal

For most of my life I didn’t keep a journal, who has time for journaling? Especially when you have a narcissist stirring up all kinds of drama in your life. I used to think too that my emotions were too raw and there was so much shit going on I didn’t have the energy to write it all out, or I would think, “I’ll write it down tomorrow.” But tomorrow I would forget and then when I did remember I forgot details like exact times or wording.

That is until I realized I HAD to journal or lose my mind OR just give in to the wospos and let him spew his lies.

The wospos always journaled, not every day and there were years he didn’t journal at all but for the majority of our relationship he journaled and his journals were considered gospel, if it was written in his journals it was fact and it was not up for debate.

Admittedly in the beginning I was very naive and thought our relationship would run much like other relationships I had in the past plus we had discussed every aspect of a relationship before moving in together because we (I) wanted to be on the same page with our expectations. I didn’t have a child at home any more, we were going to be two working adults living together; I thought it was wise to discuss some basics so we knew what each expected. In previous relationships I had been the main wage earner, handled the finances, did the yard work, housework and all the cooking and I expected to be more equal partners with the wospos and he agreed wholeheartedly. I like a clean house, that does not mean I LIKE to clean the house, neither did he but we agreed a cleaning woman would be well worth any money it cost us. We also agreed that I never cooked on Friday nights. I have had that rule since I first started living with my 1st husband in 1980 and never had a man argue. I didn’t think it was out of line. I worked full-time and deserved a night off cooking. I didn’t care if it was crackers and cheese as long as I didn’t have to cook it. Of course he agreed and I had no reason to think he wouldn’t follow through; after all no other man had ever balked.

It took a while but I finally figured out that the wospos’s word was worth zip! and he would change whole conversations to suit his agenda. at first I thought it was just me misunderstanding, or not explaining myself clearly. I would explain again and again he would twist my words or deny ever having the conversation and I started to get frustrated, my voice would get louder and higher pitched and the tears would start. You know how it is when you are trying to explain yourself and someone is twisting your words and just not understanding the simplest things or taking offense to some simple request. He would keep his voice very low and mutter things under his breath and I got louder trying to make my point. Of course I sounded like the psycho bitch, I truly felt I would go insane if I wasn’t already.

He kept track of the finances on Quickbooks on the computer, (it was my computer when we moved in together but soon became “his” and then he passworded it so I couldn’t get on it at all and even if I did get on the computer I was not allowed into Quickbooks). I had never kept track of who owed who what in any of my relationships, we had always pooled funds and paid the bills, if there was money left over we decided what to do with it. If we wanted to buy something we discussed it.

After we were living together finances became our major reason for fighting, mostly because he was always accusing me of spending “his” money on frivolous things and if you were to talk to him now he would tell you he supported me for the first 4 year. I swear sometimes they tell the same lie so many times they believe it themselves. (I worked for most of our relationship and the only time I didn’t work was because he had disabled my vehicle so I couldn’t work.)

I am a fairly frugal person in many ways, I drank wine at that time and a cheap 1L bottle was fine for me and if I had a vehicle I would go and buy my own but when I was stuck at home he would go to the liquor store and buy an expensive bottle of wine that cost as much as 3 of my cheap bottles. I rolled my own cigarettes and he bought them by the carton.  He told my son that my drinking was costing him $1000 a month, of course it was all recorded in Quickbooks, which I had no access to. Until one day he forgot to sign out and I got in and started checking his figures. His balance in Quickbooks didn’t match what I figured he should have so I started going over the amount and realized he had not recorded one of his paychecks for around $990. How could that be? how could he have missed recording almost a thousand dollars and still show a balance? The more I dug the more I found (the reason why I became such a snoop, I kept finding shit and it was always way worse than anything I had imagined) I realized he hadn’t entered hardly any of his booze receipts, had entered some of mine two and three times, he had charged me $535 for repairs on my Prelude but the bill was for $335. I had been in banking for 11 years and worked in an accounting office for 12 years so I am a bit OCD about things balancing and I spent the whole day “fixing” his mistakes. I went out to his shop and found a ton of booze receipts that he hadn’t recorded and once I got everything entered properly he was in the red so I entered that pay stub and he balanced to what I figured he should have. Needless to say he was not happy I had “helped” him and he made sure to never forget to sign out again. (I was dumb, I was too honest. Whenever I discovered something I would tell him what I had found and I should have kept my mouth shut because then he just hid things better)

It is so foreign to a normal person to spy on their loved one, to not trust them and having to be suspicious of everything they say and do, so a normal person feels guilty, even though they have done nothing wrong. The narc will use that guilt against the victim;

By a show of hands………How many of you have heard your narc say something like, “I can’t believe you don’t believe me! I can’t live with your paranoia.” or  ” I can’t believe you snooped, I thought you were better than that.” or “I am so disappointed in you.” or  “and I trusted you!” and you ended up apologizing for snooping and finding out he’d been lying to you.

It seemed the only thing we argued about was the money, I was upset he didn’t come to bed at night but that hurt my feelings and I usually cried, I didn’t start fights, I hate fights and I always tried to discuss things from a “I feel” perspective (the way they teach you in communicating effectively classes) so the only time we fought was when he got angry about money.

He would demand I hand in receipts for every dime I spent and then lose them. So out of self-preservation I started keeping track of my own spending and when he gave me cash and when I gave him cash. He had this cute little trick where he would get me to pick up his cheque for him and deposit it in the bank and then take out cash and bring it to him. It had two purposes, to keep me busy running errands for him and later he would insist he gave me his whole cheque, and then demand I answer with a yes or no. Well, if I said no, he called me a liar, but if I said yes, it was a lie also because I didn’t keep any of the money. If I tried to explain I brought the cash to him and said, “Yes but……….” he would scream in my face. “I said, yes…..or no……. it’s simple Carrie. What are you trying to hide? YES or NO! did you pick up my pay cheque?” My stomach still gets knots in it when I think about those fights. I would get so frustrated.

He would start in on me about some money I had spent or owed him and I wouldn’t know what he was talking about, he would refer to his “records” and show me his figures which were a total fabrication but I had no way to prove it. OR he handed me an itemized invoice for money he said I owed him from when we started dating.

I had lost my job by then and there was no way for me to pay him the money yet I figured that if I just paid him the money he said I owed I would keep track of my finances better and it would never happen again. So I sold my car and paid him the thousand and something dollars he said I owed (He had already taken possession of my computer and big screen TV for debt he said I owed him.) When I handed him the cash I asked, “Am I paid up now? Do I owe you for anything?” He said no I didn’t owe him anything. I made him repeat it, “Are you sure I don’t owe you any more money?” and he said yes. I was SO relieved, finally that was dealt with and we wouldn’t fight about it any more.

You can imagine my frustration when it wasn’t even two weeks before he was badgering me for money I owed him.

I got one of those Day Planners where each day has its own page  and every day I would record, finances and things like; whether he came home that night, if we had sex, if I cried, if I nagged at him, if he hit me. More than once I was able to go to my Day Planner when I was being accused of; always crying, always being angry, never having sex, and read to him entries like, “JC and I had sex last night, I sure love him I am hopeful this is a sign he is going to try.” or “I haven’t cried for 4 days, JC and I have been getting along.” “I had supper ready and JC didn’t come home all night.” “I bought JC and I supper out.” He hated that. Then he would take my journal and write in his own entries. At one point he destroyed them all so I only have journals from 2006-1010. So be forewarned, he won’t like the fact that you journal and will destroy them if he has a chance.

It didn’t stop the lying though or the fights about what had been said and what I had misunderstood. I remember one time particular after I had sold my car. The wospos had traded his antique 1970 Chev Sprint for a flat deck truck and was hauling scrap cars, he was forever getting perfectly good cars given to him and every single time he would come in all excited and tell me he had brought my new car home. There were several cars I was thrilled with, some of them antiques, some muscle cars but my enthusiasm was quick to fade because I would no sooner register the car in my name, which cost $18 every time; and he would have sold it. A person would think, “Why would he bother to put it in my name if he didn’t intend on giving it to me?”

1. Because it costs $18 every time and he was getting a lot of cars

2. If he registered them there was a paper trail when he did his income taxes

3. There was the delicious bonus of getting my hopes and dashing them again.

The neighbor Chuck who the wospos and I had gotten to know quite well, would laugh when he saw the wospos’s truck coming with a car on it and say, “OH look! JC has brought home your new car!” then stand behind the wospos’s back giggling as he told me this was going to be my new car and I needed to register it.  If I didn’t register it I was told, “Fine, so you don’t get a car.”  So it went for a long time. THEN he came home and said he had just bought me a new car from his buddy Jim (the apath I have talked about in other posts) and we had to go pick it up. I was leery of course and when we got to Jim’s I stayed in the truck. The wospos asked if I wasn’t going to get out and see my new car. I hesitated but then he always said I was so ungrateful I thought I had better act enthusiastic just in case he meant it this time. Jim and his wife came out and we all sat on their patio having a smoke and they both were talking like it was my new car. Jim was selling it to JC for the price he had paid for it because JC had said I needed a good safe car to drive and he knew we were short of money. Could it be? was I really going to finally get my own car to drive? Dare I get excited? I went and looked at it and it needed to be cleaned but it was a cute little car and I made sure to show my gratefulness, kissed JC and gave him a big hug, told Jim and his wife how thrilled I was and I started to relax a bit. I gushed all the way home about how thrilled I was with my new car, how I was going to clean it the minute we got home. The wospos looked at me and said, “Your car? who said it was your car?” I was obviously gutted and he got that grin he used to get when he had pulled off a scam and sucked me in again.

Me, “But you said…..”

Him, “I paid $500 for that car, I bought it to sell it, NOT give it to YOU.”

Me, ” But Jim ….”

Him, “I don’t know where you got the idea it was your car, I never said any such thing.”

Of course I didn’t even have time to record it before he was denying it, so journaling doesn’t always prevent him lying. When it really comes in handy is months later when he changes history to suit his agenda, then you can go back and at least console yourself with the fact that you are not crazy and didn’t imagine events of the past.

It doesn’t have to be detailed, just point form is good enough, but make sure you record dates and times – we can usually remember an event but in a court of law you are going to need to know exact dates and times or else the N will lie his face off and you won’t have a leg to stand on. A judge loves someone who comes to court prepared, it makes his job so much easier and if a judge gets the feeling a person is lying to him; he doesn’t rule in their favor. You’ve watched Judge Judy, someone lying to her pisses her right off.

 

filesI have never been to court with the N but I went for a ticket I got from a Department of Transport officer (on second thought, I am sure he was a narcissist)who didn’t like scrap haulers, especially women scrap haulers and wrote me up for a bunch of bogus charges totally almost $2000. I walked out of the court room with my fines reduced to $200 and the judge gave me a year to pay them, all because I had pictures and the officer didn’t, he didn’t make details notes and I walked in with a file folder full of notes, receipts and character references, I had recorded every time I tried to call the officer and he didn’t call back, I had read the rules and regulations and was able to quote them, but had photo copies in the folder  and the officer was unsure of them. I loved that and said, “You are unsure of the regulations?”
He said, “Well, yeah they changed and they are rather confusing.”
I said,”Do you recall when they changed the regulations?”
He replied two years ago.
Me: “So you are saying that at the time you wrote me the ticket, one year ago you were confused by the regulations?”
The judge looked at him and said,”Answer the lady.”

I asked him if he recalled what he had said to me when I tried to explain why the truck exhaust was loud and he said no he didn’t.

I got my notebook and read, “I don’t want to appear like I don’t care, but I don’t care.”

The judge looked at him and said, ‘You said that?”

DOT officer, “Well yeah, by that time she was crying.”
Judge, “Who was crying?”
I put up my hand and said, “Me your honor.”
Judge looking at the officer, “She was crying?”
DOT officer, “Typical woman, thinks she can turn on the tears and get off.”
I could barely contain myself and had to hold back from yelling, “I rest my case!!”
Judge with a look of disbelief at the DOT officer, “I think I have heard enough.”

Take the 5 minutes at the end of the day, preferably when the N isn’t around and hide your journal so he doesn’t find it; it doesn’t have to be well written, just notes jotted down, dates, times, pertinent remarks, the nights he says he is working late, the phone number you find in a pocket, anything that strikes you as odd, that makes your gut react in some way. When he tells you something that just does not make sense, make note of it and wait, the truth always comes out eventually and then you can go back and check your notes and verify you were right all along.

The N relies on a person’s memory fading with time so even when his lies are exposed it is easier for him to lie his way out of it. It won’t win an argument for you but it WILL verify what you have suspected and you are not crazy or imagining things and make it easier for you to feel justified in leaving his lying ass.

I am not telling you this so you will win fights with the N on a day-to-day basis, that is impossible, I am telling you to journal to save your sanity and hopefully get you out of the relationship before you truly lose your mind.

If you do have to go to court you will have documented evidence of any money you gave him, dates, times, of when he saw other women, dates times and pics of any abuse or material possessions he destroyed.

If you have children you will have recorded any abuse, missed visitation, that sort of thing.

It is so vitally important that you keep all and any evidence such as text messages, voice mails, emails, that sort of thing. Even if they are not particularly nasty, you might need to prove he was contacting you after you told him not to and now he is accusing you of harassing him. You never know what might come in handy.

Do not for a minute fool yourself into thinking you can split from a narcissist amicably, he may say he wants things to be fair and friendly; but remember, there is no such thing as fair with an N.

Besides, what does it hurt to keep a journal? if you never use it in court it just might be the reading material you need to remind yourself how crazy things got, after you leave and you are filled with doubt.

gavelI don’t recommend going to court without a lawyer but sometimes people have no choice if they have no money. If you do find yourself in the position of having to face your exN in the courtroom you will want to read my next post on how to “fake it til you make it” in the courtroom.


When You Hear The Truth – You Know It

I was sent the link to a site today and was so impressed with their description of a narcissist I put the link in the sidebar of my blog, but here it is again; Anonymous Conservative.

It is the only other site I have read that told the same kinds of stories as what I experienced and thought I had to be crazy to suspect my ex of doing things he did, because, “Who would do that kind of shit?!” The infidelity, watching copious amounts of porn, the pathological lying, gas lighting, ….. they are all pretty common and the other forms of abuse, the financially destroying someone, verbal insults and cut downs, the mental abuse and the physical abuse often is horrendous. But there is another level to them that I think some victims miss just because they don’t believe what they are seeing and dismiss it as coincidence, or paranoia.

misc pic from camera 036

I loved this truck for the same reason James hated it – it symbolized my independence, and his lack of control over me. It was a thorn in his side.

I was remembering how I started to suspect my ex was not as honest as he pretended after I had the 3rd car stolen in the first 3 years I was with my ex. I had never had a car stolen, never even knew anyone who had a car stolen and then boom, I am with him and 3 in 3 years? In between my vehicles being stolen they would break down and never run again. He was a brilliant mechanic, could fix anything except MY vehicles. For some reason mine only ran when he was driving them. The last two thirds of the relationship I never knew when I got in my vehicle if it would get me where I wanted to go, something was ALWAYS wrong with my car. I had never had such bad luck with vehicles, ever. My God I had cars for years and never did anything more than basic maintenance and now I was with a mechanic and I never had a running vehicle. It has to make a person go Hmmmm?

I had really gotten suspicious about my vehicles breaking down, it was pretty hard to deny when every single time I had some place I really wanted to go, my vehicle would either not start at all or break down 1/2 way there. My son’s wedding, I had done all the flowers for the wedding, been up most of the night so they would be fresh and I was rushing to get to the church to decorate and I ran out the door and there were tools beside my truck and my heart sunk. I made it almost to the church, in down town Vancouver, and it started to sputter and cough, bunny hopping through the intersection. I stopped, popped the hood and left it right in the middle of the road. I ran the 6 blocks to the church and my son was out on the sidewalk looking so handsome and nervous. I came running up like a made woman, I had my dress over my arm (I wore jeans in case the truck broke down) , my hair was flying wildly and I must have been a site because the look on my son’s face was akin to terror.

Two of the best men were able to decipher my out of wind, panicked, explanation of where my truck, and consequently the flowers; was and went to go get it. They managed to get it limped to the church and I got the decorations up.

That was hard enough to believe he would purposely do something in hopes of making me miss my son’s wedding, but 8 years later I witnessed him purposely make his sister miss her daughters wedding so I have no doubts any more of what he is capable of. That will teach her to take my side when he pulled his shit in front of her.

But the stealing of vehicles, I mean that is breaking the law. hahaha talk about naive and well, just plain stupid; we had his truck insured in my name because he had so many tickets and accidents that his rates were through the roof. He had a 43% surcharge on his insurance and I had a 43% discount. You do the math. So anyway, I of my own doing signed a blank transfer and tax form in case something ever happened to me, he could easily sign the truck back over to his name, I also did it as a gesture of good faith so that he didn’t have to worry I would ever take his truck if we split or something.

When he came to me and said he had lost it and could I sign another one, I did and when I went out to get the VIN number to put on the form he said, “Oh just sign it, I’ll fill it all in for you.” I didn’t think twice about it. When he lost it two more times I started to get annoyed, he was so careless. When I ran into a friend who said he was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck off of my ex for $1000 I was thrilled because i was still so in love with my ex I loved any chance I got to discuss him. I asked what truck he was buying, the blue Ford or the brown Ford and he said neither, he was buying the cute little Chevy pickup. I said he doesn’t have a Chevy pickup for sale. He argued with me and I said, “No he only has two truck and they are both Fords.”

He said he had seen those but this one was parked in the back and was yellow.

Me:”Yellow?!, that’s MY truck, it isn’t for sale.”

Friend: “He did up the transfer and tax form and everything.”

ding ding ding****** bells and whistles going off. Needless to say the friend did not buy the truck. I was furious and told my ex exactly what i thought of his little plan, he was NOT selling my truck. So instead of selling it he made it so it never ran right again.

Years later, we are split, I have my Ford F550, I am sick on the couch with a horrible head ache because my neck is out, he calls to see if he can have a shower and do some laundry at my place. I tell him I am in horrible pain, I don’t want to have to get off the couch so he can come and do laundry but don’t knock, just walk in. Well, he arrives and knocks on the door. (he used to always knock as if to give the impression he would never think of entering my house without knocking but I knew damn well he had been in my house without me there, it was stupid). Anyway, I get up and go to the door and there he is with a bouquet of roses, a mickey of Rye and Extra Strength Tylenol,  heating rub and a heating pad. He is so grateful I am letting him do laundry, and is so sympathetic and I am in so much pain. I am totally shocked he is being so nice and loving.

He tells me to take 5 Tylenol, have a drink of Rye and then go lay down with the heating pad and he will come and rub my neck. I didn’t take 5 tylenol because I don’t need much I never take anything for pain so two will do me but i took 3 and he forced the Rye on me so I had a sip to appease him, put the roses in a vase, asked him to please not eat any of my son’s favorite cookies, he could eat anything else, just not those cookies. I had been Christmas baking so there was a ton of stuff around but my son had these favorite cookies that were a pain in the ass to make and I was shipping him some with his gifts.

I laid down, he rubbed my neck and I passed out. I woke up with a start hours later and go out to the kitchen and couldn’t believe my eyes, almost all my son’s cookies were gone and none of the other baking was touched, and piled up all over the kitchen was my stuff. All my accounting and Bus Management books, all my expensive letter paper, envelopes, dishes, my good pots, all my office supplies, well pretty well anything of value, plus part off my computer, which had been running up until he stripped it for parts. i was furious and went outside to give him shit for eating the cookies and he has the hood of my truck up. Right away my stomach is turning. I look inside the truck and he has emptied my glove box and the contents are strewn throughout the cab. I asked him what he was looking for in my glove box and he said he was cleaning my truck. (Narcspeak, I was cleaning out your truck of anything valuable). Then he says, “Hey where is your registration for the truck?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Him:”You know its illegal to drive without a reggie in the truck?”

Me:” I know, I always have it with me when I drive.”

Him: “Where is it?”

Me:”Safe”

Him: “You should keep it in the glove box so you always have it.”

Me: “Do you really think I am that stupid after having 3 vehicles stolen?”

Him:”I am only concerned you might get a ticket.”

Me:”Thanks but I have it covered. Besides why were you looking for my reggie.”

Him: “I needed to know what year it was built because I was going to fix (I forget what now) for you as a surprise.”

Me:”Why would you need a reggie for that, you know it is a 1999.”

Him: “they had two production dates in 1999.”

Me:”Yep they did and all vehicles have a sticker in the driver’s door that give you all the info on the vehicle.” (Every single mechanic knows that)

I no sooner walk in the house and I hear my truck start. I go running back out as he is backing down the driveway and I lost it, I screamed for him to bring my fucking truck back NOW!!

He looks all surprised and like I am some psycho for suspecting him of anything and tells me he was just going to go and buy the parts he needed. I told him to take his own fucking truck. My heart was racing and I was pissed. I demanded he pull my truck back into the driveway, took the keys from him and went back in the house. On the way I yelled over my shoulder that if he thought he was taking all the shit he had piled up he was sadly mistaken and I turned around and said: “And, just so you know, if anything happens to me, my dog or my truck, you will be the first person they come looking for, you have been warned.”

he never said a word. Not for years. and then the last year we were together he said, “And you accused me of stealing your vehicles” Like it was a sin to accuse him and he was so innocent. I replied, “Yep I did, and I also told you that if anything happens to my dog, my truck or me you will be the first and only person on the list of suspects,”

I don’t think he would have stolen it that day. i think he was on his way to get a key cut. He was supposed to be heading to Africa and he would get someone else to steal it and split the money with them. I bet he still had a signed transfer and tax form but even if he didn’t I had already found pieces of paper where he had been practicing my signature. That was in 2006. He never did get my truck but he made damn sure it never ran right, it took him until 2010, that is how vindictive and vengeful they are. Because I would not let him just take my truck he had to destroy it at any cost to him. He was so intent on getting my truck he ended up spending thousands in the attempt. But he made up for it with M, he recouped his losses with her and got another truck an F450 haha.

Sick son of a bitch! So don’t doubt your gut, if you are having a string of bad luck, start to feel sick all the time, seem to be accident prone, your stuff starts mysteriously breaking or disappearing; look no further than the person in your bed.


Talking About Rodents……

As you all know I still moderate comments, not because my ex might comment as Norma Rockwell again (that still makes me chuckle, really, when you think about it they are a good source of comedic material. If you have been with a narcissist you always have a rich collection of “You can’t make this stuff up” anecdotes) but because every once in a while I will get some Spammer wanting to tell us all about how they got their lover back when they found a Spell Caster, and here we are trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

Plus I like to see who is reblogging my material, I found one site that was selling my material or the link to my site. If anyone is going to make money off my blog I want it to be me. Thank you very much.

AND then in a class all their own are the scum who tried to reblog my post on How to Help Someone Involved With a Narcissist to their site on “How To Attract a Woman With Daddy Issues”, Their blog is about how to seduce any woman and get her into bed. That is twice this week the scum bag has tried to repost one of my posts.

I realize that any casanova wannabe can come in and read my posts or any other blog on the web that talks about recovering from abuse and gather valuable information on how to manipulate a woman into falling in love with them with the ultimate goal of getting in her pants.

Despicable, sleazy tactics that only a man with nothing going for him would resort to. A real man would never stoop to manipulating a woman through her emotions. What I really wonder is how do these guys live with themselves, ooops, sorry, there I go with the cognitive dissonance of not believing a human being wouldn’t take advantage of another human being. We are all here because these soulless soul suckers exist and most definitely will use any and all information they can collect to attain their one goal – taking advantage of a woman. What losers!!

balls

I happen to like a guy with real balls!

I bet they drive a really big truck too and shout out their window at the women walking down the street, “Hey, sexy! wanna sit on my face?”, elbowing their buddy sitting next to him and they laugh uproariously at their wit. I guess it makes sense why they need tactics to get a woman because I doubt they get many women using their own brains.

I have asked a guy that once, after an especially insulting sexous remark, “Just curious, does that line actually work for you?”

Oh well you can’t fix stupid.


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