Toxic Niceness

Carrie Reimer:

Perfect description of the narcissist’s smiling face. I am sure everyone knows someone like this.

Originally posted on An Upturned Soul:

So many people move through life pretending to be who they are not, being nice on the surface when they are seething with rage inside, being mean when they have a heart of gold, being cold when they yearn for the warmth of others, being overly helpful when they actually want you to fail, being happy when they are inwardly crying, and being hostile when they are actually terrified. Sometimes people are not aware that they are pretending, sometimes they actually believe they are who they are pretending to be, and sometimes they are doing it with their eyes wide open with deliberate intent.

We all fake it a little bit every now and then, either because we want to fit in when we feel that we don’t, or we’re in a situation which makes us uncomfortable and we disguise our true selves for a while, whilst we figure things…

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When To Forgive and When to Walk Away

 

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I was at ChumpLady’s blog this morning and a young woman had written her asking for advice because she was only days away from having a baby and had discovered “the love of her life” has been sexting another woman for 4 days. Of course he fed her a bunch of BS like; he stopped because he could only think of her, and she was giving him a second chance but didn’t know if she could trust him. If you have ever been to ChumpLady’s site you know what she advised and you can always check it out at the links provided. I started to add my comment and realized it was going to be a long one and instead of high-jacking the post I thought I would make it a post here.

I know that Jessica isn’t the only woman to run into a similar problem, I know I certainly did; it isn’t really infidelity, or is it? How many second chances do we give to the love of our life? This is my comment to Jessica.

Jessica, you say “I love him, I really do” like you have to convince us of your love for him, like you know that in an “ordinary” love relationship the woman would leave but if Chumplady realizes that this is the love of your life, this is a love far from ordinary, and not the kind of love you find every day, she will agree you should give him another chance. We all hear that love weathers the storms, stands by their man, doesn’t hold grudges, is forgiving, so what kind of woman would we be if we walk out on him now? You and this guy have a connection, are soul mates, you almost have to stay with him because you won’t find that connection with anyone else and if you love him well enough, forgive him this one time; he will see the light and appreciate your unconditional love and be so grateful you stuck by him, the two of you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Hey, been there! I remember searching the internet for answers and finding sites where women described very similar scenarios and were adamant the only answer was to leave the man. I read their stories and thought, yeah their story is much like mine but they don’t understand, what JC and I have is something special, we have a deep love, something a person doesn’t find every day, something you can’t just walk away from. My love for JC is more powerful than anything they have ever known and I know he feels the same way, we have a “connection” neither one of us can deny.

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Honey your love is real and I believe he is the love of your life; the problem is he is not capable of that kind of love. I know he has acted like you are and that will keep you going back time after time but I don’t have to have a crystal ball to predict the future. You will try to love him well enough that he doesn’t have to look at other women and now with the baby he will find all kinds of reasons why he is forced into it. After enough time you will convince yourself that “It is just looking at other women, he loves you too much to actually DO anything about it.” You will try to convince yourself but you will become more suspicious and you will snoop; not to catch him at something but in hopes you don’t find anything and you can prove you are just being paranoid. You tell yourself that if you ever find out he is really cheating you will dump him.

He will spend more time away from home, always have some excuse or blame you, call you crazy and paranoid and this is exactly why he doesn’t want to come home, because you bitch at him all the time, you never have time for him any more, you have gained weight, (or whatever else he can think of to blame you), he will tell you that you will never find a man who will put up with what he has to endure from you. You will try to be happy when he comes home from work, try to be interested in sex more, plan sexy nights, but he isn’t interested any more in romance and the sex has become a release more than the declaration of love it used to be. Whereas he used to want to please you, made love to you like he couldn’t get enough of you and you were the most beautiful woman on earth; now it feels like nothing more than a “release”.

You tell yourself that you will stop being suspicious and stop snooping, you have never been jealous and a snoop before but that gnawing in your gut will finally win over your resolve and you will snoop on the computer and find out he has a personal ad on a dating site. You will confront him, sure that this time you are leaving him, but he will brush it off as nothing or deny it totally. You may even leave this time but he will beg you back, it will be hard on your own; your self-esteem is low, he keeps telling you that no man will love you like he does and you will go back. But you will be more suspicious than ever.

He tells you that you are crazy, he still loves you and it is your paranoia that is driving him away, you know you have been acting crazy, you aren’t anything like the woman you used be. He acts like nothing ever happened, shows no remorse once he has you back and actually treats you with more disregard than ever before. You are determined to make it work and make him understand why you are so upset.

When he isn’t home you pace the floors, you call him and he doesn’t answer, you will feel you are crazy, you feel crazy you have panic attacks, imagine him with another woman. He continues to deny deny deny and you continue to ignore your gut and the relationship self destructs, no matter what you do to make it better he just seems miserable. How many years go by no one can predict but it will end someday. Either you will find him with another woman, or a woman will call and fill you in or he will come home one day and say it’s over he has found the love of his life and she is nothing like you. She is easy to love, not a psycho bitch like you. And there you will be, after investing God knows how much time, emotions, effort, money with a child or maybe two or three by that time; and you will discover that he has been talking behind your back telling everyone what a psycho bitch you are and how he tried so hard to please you and you drove him into the arms of another woman.

You probably don’t believe me, I know I wouldn’t have believed me; I would be/was plagued with thoughts of “what if this time he means it?” “What if he finally understands and is ready to change?” “I have invested so much if I leave now some other woman will reap the rewards of all my efforts.” The only thing I hope is that you don’t stay years, that when you find yourself becoming a suspicious crazy woman who walks on eggshells all day, when you can’t even enjoy the good times because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it just isn’t love anymore, there is nothing care free, when there are no spontaneous acts of love, and you don’t know what more you can do; I hope you remember my words and leave.

Leave while you have enough of yourself to rebuild, don’t wait until you are a basket case. See the writing on the wall and stop lying to yourself.

I would love nothing more than to hear you lived happily ever after and I really hope I am wrong.

girl code

Know your worth and don’t settle for anything less than being treated with love, caring and respect. We are led to believe that if we love them enough we will have our happy ending, we believe the lies because why would he lie? We believe the words and ignore the actions, it is easier to believe we are at fault than to believe he doesn’t love us. Sometimes it hurts like hell but we survive and life does go on, and we will love again and all men are not assholes.

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Plotting the Perfect Murder

Carrie Reimer:

A powerful story shared on Sisterwives

Originally posted on The SisterWives:

There are times when words aren’t enough to describe the way someone else’s words have made you feel. Times when you fall head-over-heels in WriterLove for their expressions, their cleverness, their capability, and the wonder of what they create. And when that person turns their words to recount some of the most horrific events of their life…you are transfixed – speared by them as though each sentence were steel, holding you fast against the corkboard edges of your mind. It is my honour to share this piece by Crystal Cook – Lizzi

Planning the perfect murder

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Update and Opinion Needed

I thought I would take a minute to update you all on what is going on in my corner of the world. I went to the meeting with the boss of the funding program and well…………  below is the email I sent to my worker at her request after we talked on the phone. The head or owner of Triangle Resource, the company contracted to administer the funding and assist applicants with the process told me that he could not help me, I had to go back to my worker but to give him time to call her first. So I waited until Friday and called her and told her what he had said, that I had to make an appointment to see her to get my package done. When I called her she made an appointment for me to see her on the 11th, a full two weeks away. When I told her what he had said she told me he never did call her, she had called and asked for more black binders but he had not brought her any. I am sitting listening to her thinking, I will drive down to the flipping dollar store and buy you a black binder for God sake!! They cost a $1.00, $2.00 at Walmart. Come on!!!

She asked me to send her an email saying exactly what was said at the meeting. Below is the email I sent her on Saturday afternoon. Monday before noon I had a return email from her asking me to come see her this Friday and to get a letter of acceptance from the school saying I can start school April 7th. I have xx’d out names.

“xxxxxx,

I am getting very frustrated with this whole process and beginning to feel as if I am purposely being sent on one wild goose chase after another only to hit another brick wall, in hopes I will eventually give up and go away.

I feel my case has been mishandled from day one. I know it is not your fault, you just started with the Triangle Office in Mission recently but you are the only one I can turn to for answers and hopefully some action.

I feel I am being patronized and I find it disrespectful and insulting. I am an intelligent woman who has always worked and supported myself until I ended up in an abusive relationship and my ex sabotaged my vehicle until I had spent every dime I had and charged all I could trying to fix it. Since leaving the relationship I have suffered two heart attacks and two mini strokes. The stress of living on $620/month, (which is absolutely impossible to live on) means that every month I try to survive on that paltry sum I sink further and further into debt and I have less and less help.

I see myself quite literally homeless within a month because I cannot pay my rent this month and am relying solely on the the compassion of my landlord to not kick me out. 

I handed in my funding package at the end of November, xxx at the other office had told me that he would work on it on the weekend if he had to in order to get it done for me to start school. When I handed in all my research etc to xxxxxx she told me that she would transfer all my paperwork into the regulation black binder, write up her recommendation and hand it in to xxx the next day, two days at the longest. 

When I hadn’t heard from her two weeks before Christmas I called and she said she had gotten it back (she had not called me to discuss it with me) and was looking through her calendar to see when she could fit me in for an appointment. I asked if she could tell me over the phone what the issues were and I could email her anything she needed. She told me that my rent was too high, my debt ratio was too high, that the committee wanted to know how I had survived for this long on $620 a month and now why I needed more money to survive. She said they didn’t like the name of the course I wanted to take (something you told me when I was in your office) and I explained the same thing to her as I did you and now xxx, who told me to write it in my rationale which I had. I emailed xxxxxx answers to all the questions she had plus emailed her copies of my rationale (again) and other things she said were not in my package which I knew were in there because I had a folder on my desktop called “funding” with everything that I had printed and put in the package. I sent it all again via email. She also told me that they would only fund $7500 towards schooling, no one had mentioned this to me prior, the course I want to take is not offered anywhere for less than $10,000. I called the school and they told me that if I got $7500 in funding they would carry me for the remainder that I could pay back at $50/month over two years. I informed xxxxxx, by email and was told she would add it to my package. 

I informed xxxxxx that I had options as far as places to live, my brother lives in Coquitlam and I could stay with him or my son has a live aboard 36′ boat harbored in New Westminster he is not using because he is working out of town and I could live on it for the 32 weeks I am in school, reducing the amount of my travel costs. But I am not going to move onto his boat unless I know I am getting into school. To move onto his boat would mean getting rid of my furniture etc but I would be willing to do it in order to get my education. Eventually he is going to sell his boat but he would hang onto it in order to help me out. I cannot have him paying to moor his boat on the off chance I get into school. I am losing my options the longer this drags on. 

I heard nothing back and called again just before Christmas and left a message. xxxxxx emailed me on a Saturday to say you were taking over my file and to contact you to discuss it. I called you on the Monday and you could not fit me in until Jan 14th. My classes started Jan 5th. The school was willing to let me start a week late but because of these delays I missed the start date and now I am looking at a start date of April 7th 2015. 

When I went to see you on the 14th of January I got the very distinct impression you had not read my funding package, I know xxxxxx didn’t and after my appointment with xxx he admitted he had not read it either because it was not in the regulation black binder. Yet you told me I had been denied and if I wanted to reapply you could tell me what I needed to do. I was shocked, I had no idea I had been denied, I thought I just had to come up with some alternative solutions. You informed me that xxxxxx had handed in my package in the binder I had put it in and not written her recommendation and that handing in my package that way had actually hurt my case. and that is my fault?

You made an appointment for me to attend the funding information meeting on Jan 23 at 1:00, another delay. I complied and showed up at the meeting. xxx asked if I needed help getting my package put together and I told him I had it all together and was told by you to come and see him to discuss what else I needed to do. I brought up all the issues you and xxxxxx had mentioned and he kept saying to put it in my rationale and I kept saying it is in there. The questions about my budget I had sent xxxxxx never got in the binder but everything else was in the binder I had handed  in to xxxxxx in November. Finally xxx admitted that he had only given my package a brief once over because it was not in the regulation black binder and he didn’t know what was in there. He then told me he had never seen anyone go the trouble I did with their package and that people usually hand in a pile of papers and that I shouldn’t be there, if my package was done I should see you and you should put it in the proper black binder. He told me it was your job and if you had a problem with it you could work elsewhere. I told him that you had told me to ask him for a black binder because you didn’t have any and he said, “She hasn’t told me she doesn’t have any black binders. She needs to call me.” (now I am the messenger?) He said I was wasting my time being there and that I was really close to being approved, to get the info into a proper black binder and you would write your recommendation and then he would look at it. I was shocked when he said I was close to being approved because from what you had said I had been denied. 

If I had not questioned it and just walked out, that is where it would have stayed. There is something really flawed with this system and I am a more than a little annoyed. 

I find it incomprehensible that I am doing everything within my power to comply with the rules and regulations, compiling all the information in a way that is easy to read to make xxxxxx’s job easier (she said herself she had never had a person put together a package that well and I had done her job for her) yet she was  too lazy to take the time to do her part before leaving her job knowing full well she would be gone before I ever found out.

In fall xxxxxx told me to put aside my funding package because getting my disability designation was more important. I went to an arbitrator about being denied disability and was told I never should have applied, she could tell right away I was not disabled enough to be approved. In order to get disability a person must need assistance in their daily activities like getting dressed, cooking for themselves or be mentally incapable of functioning on any reasonable level, so disabled they can not work. It is not likely I would get funding for education if I am so disabled I can not dress myself. 

Then I get told by you one of the things that worked against me with my funding package was that I my disability application was denied. That is kinda like an impossible situation isn’t it. I am really curious if anyone ever gets funding.

I am told I have to exhaust my ei benefits and not have a job in order to qualify for funding, I apply for funding and I am told I don’t make enough money to qualify, maybe I should get a job………..excuse me? xxx tells me they don’t want to set me up for financial ruin and I assured him that is NOT a concern, I passed financial ruin long ago and I am not going to be able to rescue myself without an education because I can not do what I used to to do because of health issues.

He says that maybe because of my health issues I won’t be able to work full time, even part time is better than welfare. And of all the careers out there, being a Life Skills coach is the only one I can think of where I could do it from a wheelchair and can do past the age of 64. It is the only job that I have transferable skills for, I have experience in, and has one of the highest projected growths. The counseling industry is expected to continue to increase well past 2020 where there will be a 2/1 need for counselors or life skills coaches. xxx said I was supposed to do a job search, are there people hiring in that field?, he agreed with me last time I was in a meeting with him that it was one of the industries with the highest expected growth. I have done all I can except redo the whole package again. I don’t do anything 1/2 way I always do my best, I handed in my best already so I am at a loss and totally frustrated. I am being treated like I don’t know anything and am just trying to bleed the system. 

I have a feeling that if I went down to the east end of Vancouver and put a needle in my arm I would get a whole lot better service and attention. Is it any wonder women go back to their abusive partners when this is what they face when they leave and try to get on their feet. It is a sad state of affairs when a woman finds herself in the position of choosing homelessness or getting punched in the head. 

I am sorry, I am angry. I feel like no one cares one iota about me as a person, no one has even had the courtesy to read my funding package. I am not going to waste my time telling my whole story again in this email. I am a 56 year old woman who has owned 5 homes in my life, two businesses, worked 11 and 1/2 years with the bank, 14 years in office management, paid ei premiums, property taxes, cpp, been a charitable kind person my whole life and I am treated like I am asking too much for someone to do their job. I know this sounds clique, but I am a customer, and Triangle is here to perform a service for me. Are they not?  My funding package arrived there November 24th I believe, has passed through the hands of 3 people and it is almost February and I have to wait another two weeks to see you again. The miscommunication between you and xxx has cost me over a month in time where absolutely nothing has been resolved and I sink further and further down a dark pit I will never be able to claw my way out of.”

I can not believe the incompetency of this company and the unprofessionalism of talking to a client about the employees and putting the client in the middle between an employee and the boss, so amateurish.  

I would much prefer to just get that job and forget schooling. Schooling will mean another 32 weeks of struggling on not enough money to survive and when school is done you are automatically cut off from support and have to reapply for welfare and go through a 6 week waiting period. If by chance I got the job I could do my education  at night school, online, and I could pay for my own. 

I have called the job twice and they have returned my call twice and we have played telephone tag. At first I didn’t answer their call because the call display said “Private” ever since JC hacked into my phone that way and caused so much trouble for me I don’t answer calls when I don’t know the number. I will check for messages and return calls if I know the person and if they don’t leave a message I figure they will call back or it was not important. The first time they called I missed it totally, the second time I listened to the message and called right back but no one answered. They had said in their message that they would be calling people they were wanting to interview at the end of this week.

I visited their website just to educate myself on the company and noticed several major things wrong with their website, one of their links gets an error page not found message. Then they have a website link that is supposed to provide information on Effects of abuse on children, children and divorce, Domestic Abuse etc. When I clicked on any of the links I was taken to a website that wanted my money, there was no information available, one link was a counselor who charges $150 an hour and is on the other side of the country, absolutely no free info. One of the links was a dating site of all things!!, It is doing more harm than good for anyone clicking on it. If someone is discouraged and looking for answers I can see it being defeating to go to a website there to supposedly to help them and they get directed to a dating site or a Quick Cheap Divorces site. All the other links were totally unrelated links to cheap hotels etc.

And then they offer a safety checklist and the only thing on it is a list of things you should have in a bag ready to take if you have to leave in a hurry. No tips on staying safe before or after leaving. I was going to offer my safety plan to them for free and tell them about the other issues but I didn’t want the first time they meet me to be when I am pointing out all these errors, so I was going to wait until after the interviewing was done. But then just thinking about it now I thought, well maybe I should tell them now and at least it shows I am proactive and want to help and I would be taking the initiative. What do you think?