The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

I was reading posts on one of the many “victims of narcissistic abuse” support forums and one of the women posted this link.

I found it very therapeutic, because as much as I hate to admit it; I do feel it isn’t fair he’s gone off and found “happiness” and is giving her all the things I had asked for and he denied me.

I know in my logical mind he hasn’t changed, simply by the way he treats me and talks about me. If he had changed he wouldn’t be lying now. He would admit his mistakes instead of still blaming me for everything.

If he had changed he would be getting hold of his sister and apologizing and at the very least he would have gone to her when she tried to commit suicide.

Anyway, following is an article that really helped me deal with “the new girlfriend” and a link to the site which has a lot of very insightful information on recovering after a relationship with a narcissist. It helped me and I hope it will be a help to some other woman who is out there torturing herself thinking about the ex and his new “love”

The Other Woman–Now He’s HAPPY With HER!

Nothing cranks a woman up more than going through a drama-filled ending of her dysfunctional, pathological, abusive, addicted and/or sick relationship ONLY to find he rapidly moved on and now seems ‘so happy.’ Women tend to conclude it must have been ‘her’ and if he can be happy with someone else and not her, well then….it was some shortcoming in her and she needs to study up to figure out just what ‘went wrong.’

⁠February 7, 2011 by dl
Filed under Sandra Says (Column)

Ladies, ladies ladies….by now you have been reading enough of these newsletters to be able to ‘chant’ the ABC’s of Pathology I have been teaching you—pathology is:

The inability to:
– consistently sustain positive change
– grow to any emotional/spiritual depth
and
– develop meaningful insight about how his behavior negatively effects others

THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR when it comes to a pathological.

So what you have to ask yourself is how were his previous relationships? I don’t mean what he TOLD you they were (all her fault, she was a psycho, sleaze, or whacked) but what really happened in them.

If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the ‘quality’ of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships? Yup…that’s what I thought.

How was his relationship with you? No, I’m not talking about the honeymoon cycle when both of you are living off of endorphins. I’m talking about the guts of the thing….the meat and bones of it.

So, he has a history of his own ‘Trail of Tears’ — a path littered with the lives of wounded women and children? Your relationship has left you as one more statistic of his pathological heart breaks.

Now, there’s ‘HER’ — appearing all happy, snuggley and ‘in love’! You see her as getting all the good parts of him you always loved and none of the bad parts! After all, the reason
you left him was all that bad stuff!

Doesn’t it make you want to call her up and tell her what’s just around the corner in the relationship?

Doesn’t it make you want to curl up in a fetal position and cry that he has ‘found happiness in the arms of another?’

Doesn’t it make you sick in the pit of your stomach or consume you with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about how wonderfully ‘in love’ he is? STOP THE DRAMA!

Repeat after me….”Pathology is the inability to sustain positive change” “the best predictor of HIS future behavior is his past behavior” — so just what does that mean? There are honeymoon phases of every relationship. Lovers live on the high of the ‘falling in love stage.’ We already know that pathologicals don’t ‘technically’ fall in love but they do hang around and experience some level of attachment. But YOU experienced the whole endorphin falling in love sensation. Well, so is SHE.

How long did yours last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or two of ok-ness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating….once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.

Guess what’s gonna happen AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating, then she’ll eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserableness of knowing what he’s doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then he’ll rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her or leave.

~OUILA~ she is now on his ‘Stepford Wives List of Rejects’. She’s one more tear on his ‘Trail of Tears.’ You haven’t seen behind their closed doors to know what SHE’s dealing with….he hasn’t changed—he’s hardwired so she’s going to be dealing with the same thing you did. It’s just a matter of WHEN.

If I were a gambling girl, I’d put my money every stinking time on the consistency of pathology and his inability to ever change in ANY relationship–the previous one, yours, or the future ones. She’s not getting the best of ANYTHING. She’s you. And in a short time, she’ll be another statistic. If pathology doesn’t change, this relationship is wired for destruction.

There are NO happy endings in relationships with pathologicals. There are no pumpkin-drawn carriages, no sweet little house with three children…scratch that record! Stop attributing normal characteristics to a profoundly abnormal person.

Women spend all their precious emotional energy on obsessing about the quality of his relationship with the next victim instead of working on themselves–using that energy for their own healing. They live in a fantasy world where they are deprived of this wonderful relationship and he is off living the life of a normal person. This fantasy does not end with “And they lived happily ever after.”

Your positive fantasy thoughts of him being happy with someone are the memories that are
pulling all of your focus while you totally forget how this horror flick is going to end. If you need a reminder, read all of our archived Sandra Says columns.

Take a deep breath and come back…she hasn’t got anything you haven’t already gotten from him–MISERY. If she doesn’t have it right now, she will have it shortly. Once you really ‘get it’ about the permanence of pathology you’ll understand that his ability to be different in the relationship doesn’t exist. If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you. But he didn’t–and he won’t. Whatever exists right now is that short honeymoon cycle until she realizes what he is and ISN’T–and what he can NEVER be. Don’t bother picking up the phone and telling her what he is and isn’t. Just worry about your own recovery….from this
moment on, it’s all about you

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her

110 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

  1. Bridget

    Anon- Who is he to tell you what you are worth? The reason he did this is because you are obviously worth a lot and he had to make you doubt that to gain control over you! The reason the new girl is getting the honeymoon period is to wind you up so you doubt yourself and run to him for validation. Don’t- just cut him out of your life and every time you feel your mind romanticisng him and longing for him and thinking he is being nicer to the other girl, remember, he isn’t- it is all a horrid manipulative game – they don’t give a damn about anyone. Keep repeating that until you believe it- he doesn’t care about anyone and he is out to destroy everyone! Find a good person- not him.

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  2. Stronger01

    I sympathize. It’s sucks even being aware of what’s going on with the N and his NS. If you perceive that he treats her better don’t be fooled. It could be she is more pliable than you. She is giving him want he wants where he said you could not. But think, do you want to be in those shoes, giving him EVERYTHING, doing everything on his terms, not able or allowed to express any true feelings, holding it in or putting on a smile when you really want to scream (these comments are based on my own experience but seem to apply to many).
    He actually told you he was never fully attracted to you? What an A-hole. Who does that? I truly believe they learn words like “best friend” and “future wife” to keep you in the hunt for their full affection which they have no intention of giving. I know for a fact my N did not know the meaning of the word friend. Only how to use it to get what he wanted. I used my “friend” label to gain more knowledge about my N. He really let his freak flag fly when he was no longer interested in wooing me. He would say things like he would never let a woman control him, that someone would have to give him 199% before he gave anything, frequently used the word “bitches.” It was quite eye opening. I am admittedly still weening myself off of being aware of him and his life – i’m trying but every now and again i get curious or he tries to contact me which makes me curious. I recently noticed he seems to be re-inventing himself on fb. New profile with all new friends and his gf is not one of his friends – hmm. Planning his next move? Maybe. He needed to gather a new group to listen to his stories and drink the kool-aid. Pathetic.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Stronger, my ex had two fb accts one for his family and one for his 2nd life. That is the scarey thing about online, a person can make themselves out to be anything they want and who is to know any better. wospos posted his fantasy life on fb.
      Any contact he makes is just him bored and seeing if he can get to you still. Ignore ignore ignore. just like he used to deny deny deny

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  3. Stronger01

    Hi Carrie,
    I think you are right about the N working harder if someone demands more. My xN in the beginning told me he and his ex-wife used to fight, I mean loud, screaming matches, all the time but I took that to mean they shouldn’t have ever been together not that it may have been what actually kept them together (short though it was). I am not one to yell and scream at someone – I just don’t get it – how do you come back from that? You can’t ever take back the things you say in that circumstance. If it’s that bad I think you should just walk away. My N disarmed me from the beginning by telling me such a tale of woe and a list of issues that it felt like anything I would bring up or any negative feeling I was having was trivial and petty compared to what he was dealing with. He made it clear he couldn’t handle “drama.” I didn’t know then that his definition of drama meant anything that was happening to anyone else and nothing HE caused. Never wanting to be the “emotional” or “needy” girl I bought right into it. What all of us have to realize and really, really own is that just because you have needs doesn’t make you needy. Demanding to be treated with respect does not make you demanding and expressing how someone else’s behavior makes you feel does not make you emotional. I truly believe that having to bottle all of that up (the walking on eggshells) is why it takes so long to get over the N. You keep replaying all of the situations you encountered with them and wish you had reacted differently and wonder what the outcome would have been if you had – N rage most likely but perhaps you’d have a clearer mind about it now.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Stronger, my apologies for not replying sooner it must have been when I was taking time off. It is really interesting that they ALL say the same thing: They hate Drama! yet they are the ones to create it. We are only responding to their actions. I like you hate conflict and much prefer to just talk things out calmly and in the beginning that is what we did and then the mask dropped and that was it. Everything was a fight after that. The simplest things would end up major fights with him moving out or screaming at me to get out. I had never experienced anything like it. So of course you start to walk on egg shells trying to avoid the drama.
      I do think they stick around longer with someone who presents more of a challenge. Not that it makes any difference in the end, the relationships always end the same way.
      But I think the real pushover women that immediately melt at his feet don’t last more than a few weeks orr months because how long the relationship lasts depends on when he feels he has the victim solidly hooked, when he feels the victim is fully committed to him then the he feels safe to drop his mask. From there the discard isn’t far behind.

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  4. Karen

    narcissists NEVER change, they put up a charade when they find someone new, they only want a source of attention to maintain their self believed grandiosity. The best way to punish then is to delete them from your life. They feel insulted and hurt by this.

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    1. Stronger01

      Thanks Carrie. I needed this today. My N and OW have now been together for 1 year. I heard through mutual friends (that can’t believe it either) they celebrated and he bought her something engraved to commemorate it. Which means he actually did something thoughtful and spent money. Things he seemed incapable of before. Not that long ago he told me he wrote me a note to thank me for helping him and being a friend over the last year and was going to leave it on my door but then threw it out. Was I supposed to think it was the thought that counts? How does that person and the one buying his gf an anniversary present exist in the same body?

      The person I had the pleasure of knowing was always broke, never bought me a thing unless he was hammered and trying to be a big shot, gambled his money away, every outing and event he was either anxiety ridden to the point of having a panic attack and had to be calmed by me which meant my attention was on him, or we’d have to leave or he would get smashed and then needed a babysitter which meant my attention was on him, or would become depressed and brought to tears which meant my attention was on him. We had very few “normal” outings and I never knew when the night would turn. Even just hanging out at home involved me doing something for him – cooking (which I don’t mind), helping with a school project or rubbing his back until my shoulders were sore. He would often promise to do something nice for me in return or say that we would go somewhere or another but it never happened.

      That’s no mistake – or your busy or just forget – you have to TRY to be that selfish and I know to this day he thinks nothing was ever wrong – even as he is paying back the money he owes me (shocking) he still doesn’t think there was anything wrong with asking for it in the first place – oh wait I’m sorry did I say asking? I meant completely manipulating and lying and playing the sympathy card in order to get it. Wow, amazing I can still be this angry.

      I can’t help it I want that validation that I wasn’t the only sucker to fall for his BS – I’m not the only one who financed part of his life – I’m not the only one he was hot and cold with – not the only one that sat listening to his endless stories (lies) – or showed up over and over because he said he was having a panic attack – not the only one he broke promises to – not the only one whose friends thought there was something “off” about him, etc., etc.

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  5. Robyn

    Hi everyone
    I was friends with my Narc for over a month, before we became involved, whilst he crashed on my sofa, (allegedly homeless and unemployed seeking jobs). Further down the track, when I had gotten to know his elderly parents, I came to realise that his ‘homelessness’ ploy was actually a lie too, since he had been using his parents for a pit stop for well over 13 years off and on and still was.
    When we met we were both in our early 40s, me with 2 grown children both living with me, (working and studying) and him with no children and a history of failed relationships and female partners that all aborted his babies, (his words!!).
    Once we became involved, he used both my past and present against me in a continued system of abuse, firstly my male friends I had when I met him, and then anything was fair game for his devaluations and abuse.
    He would pick fights with me every few days, and usually I would refuse to engage his arguments, but sometimes, ‘when taken prisoner’ it was impossible to avoid. He would eventually fly off in his car, either sleeping at ‘the beach’ or back to Mummy and Daddy’s. The very worst of things for me was the ever present sleep deprivations and public humiliations both at home, and mostly at my workplace, (where he often stalked me most days).
    After 2 years of his rubbish, he was increasingly involving my older children in his fights with me too, exposing them to his crazy lunacy, threats and physical violence. I decided he had to move out, so I told him during yet another of his rage/accusation attacks on me. By this time he had already threatened to kill me, tried to kill me many times, made threats to kill family and friends, and had stalked people I knew/acquaintances.
    On hearing my feelings about him moving out, he flew off in a rage, vowing to never see me again, murder me, kill me, etc, find a better woman etc.
    I immediately went No Contact, and started healing, fighting depression at every turn, but trying to carry on through it all. Within 2 weeks he was on the phone, saying he was staying with his parents in a shed type room next to their car-port. He said he needed help, (often admitted this) and would go see a Psychiatrist at some point and possibly obtain medication too. Basically he said all the right things to lure me back to him, and we began a Long Distance relationship for almost another 2 years.
    Soon though, his relationship with his parents returned to the Dysfunction that had always been present, his Mother told me that his Father was the same way, so she had 2 of them to put up with!!
    Personally, I felt they were all as bad as each other!!!
    It began to get dangerous there too, with hospital visits by the parents, emergency ambulances, Police visits, Mental Health Emergency Team visits also. The hospital staff were trying to explain to the Parents what seemed wrong with the son, (in his absence of course). What I remember was them telling them that he had no empathy at all present most of the time, and when it was, it would be because he was faking it, or gaining something himself from the interaction.
    I also found that most of the times I went up to spend the nights/partial weekends with him, he would be abusive more often, and dangerous and keep me awake again too. The old bad outweighs the good once again.
    By June he had already been given 6 months notice by his parents that he had to move out, (they were selling up and buying smaller for their age). He did nothing about finding somewhere else to stay, neither did he put any real effort into finding a job. When it got closer to the time to go, he simply became more and more resentful, abusive and dangerous to everyone.
    He assaulted me in June 2013, and by July, when I kept up refusal to go stay again, he dumped me, dishing out 4 months of silent treatment, before popping up again, like usual, in the most inappropriate way.
    Within days he had lured me into thinking he would be in full time employment, which led me to letting him back to stay at my home, much to the derision of my daughter and her partner, (who by this time were boarding with me and my son had moved out to live with his girlfriend/family.
    Less than 2 weeks later, he was easing back into his nasty abusive ways again.
    By March 2014 his last attempted assaults on me and other members of the public, (at my work) led me to dump him for good, and immediately go No Contact, after trying to seek help from the Police but getting nowhere.
    Within a month, we caught him on CCTV going through our rubbish bins early hours of one morning, plus I was getting hang up calls, and he was doing a bit of drive by/parking stalking again. Around May, he rang out of the blue and raged and screamed at me on the phone, then hung up. I didn’t contact him.
    In June, he rang again, this time I wouldn’t talk to him, and he lured me to listen with a story of how he had been mugged, (and of course his homelessness was the reason). I didn’t keep up contact once again.
    In August he saw me one day in my car with an elderly friend with me, 2 weeks later, he was calling, and wanting the benefits of a relationship over a mobile phone, but didn’t want me to go see him, (he was in a nearby city hanging out in his car at the beach so I thought). Something I found very odd, especially when he wanted me to message him Goodnight every night like his girlfriend again.
    I later found out that he was staying in a suburb nearby, with ‘friends’ but that it wasn’t a very good environment for him, (boo hoo). He said the exact same thing about staying at mine, so I figured he had another woman when he was contacting me, but lied about it.
    Since his Sister In-law often liked to fill me in on his whereabouts, (not my choice she did by the way), I was told just days before Xmas that he was now finally employed, (after 6 years not), and had ‘met his match’. She is apparently a Psychiatrist who ‘keeps him in line’, (there almost seems a hint that I couldn’t there!!), and how she thought he ‘just wanted to get away from everything and everyone’.
    Yea, vomit, I know, I used to have to listen to that monologue every day for years, geographical escape was his constant answer to everything. Only to return and complain that the last place was crap.
    Still, it hurts me that the Sister In-law made a point of telling me he had found someone new, and how great she is, and him now.
    Wait, I’m gonna throw up.
    Surely, a Psychiatrist??? How did he manage that??? Was he her patient?? LOL
    Or it could be all a fabricated lie, designed to hurt me and make me think he is really happy without me, anything is possible, I am just annoyed that it does hurt and has made ME feel more insecure, after all the rubbish he dished out to me, it doesn’t seem fair at all.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Robyn, I am going to make this a short reply because there is so much area to cover in your comment, I just encourage you to keep reading up on Narcs, there is so much good information here about the new woman, why we go back, the manipulation, the mind control (brainwashing) etc.
      The thing is, I know it is hard to not think that maybe it was just you, I can tell you that it has nothing to do with the woman, they all get treated the same way and he will get other people to do his dirty work. he is going to make it look like he is so happy with this new woman and it will go the same way it did with you.
      He is a loser, and one thing you know for sure; he treated you like crap and it has never changed, ever, and it never will. Stop worrying about whether you were the right woman for him and realize he is NOT the right man for YOU. YOU deserve better!
      Put the focus on you and what you need to be happy and healthy and he is NOT it. Who cares why his sister told you what she did, stop talking to her, go no contact with the whole family and him and look forward, not back.
      As long as you are in contact with anyone of them you are setting yourself up for hurt and heartache.
      It isn’t fair, but it is what it is and nothing is going to change it. You can keep worrying about him and what he is doing and you can yell at the top of your lungs “It isn’t fair!!” but it is not going to change a thing.
      Chalk it up to a lesson learned, focus on becoming the best you can be. The best revenge is to live a good life and never let him know he is getting to you.
      No contact!! no facebook, no texts, no emails or phone calls, cut him out of your life totally and start to heal. YOu have a great life waiting just around the corner.
      Hugs

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Robyn, it isn’t fair. It sounds so much like my ex and I. Me rescuing him, him refusing to leave, him attacking me and my son and then pleading with me to forgive him and take him back and then him leaving me and begging back, always unemployed, always calling me to say he had been injured and me going to the hospital because he had hurt himself somehow (every time we split he injured himself somehow or my truck broke down) I would take him home to nurse him back to health and he would abuse me again.
      The last time he came to me saying he had been given 6 months to live and begged for one final 2nd chance (his words) so I put my all into it, he said all the right things and cried etc. At the time he was saying I was the only woman he would ever love he was living with 2 women in different towns in the next province. I was just his BC connection. He never changed, only hid his POF profile and was still looking to hook more victims. 10 years I put up with his bullshit, the last time we got back together was 2 years of the worst abuse before I left him again but I kept in contact with him and he eventually dumped me for a widow with money and left me destitute financially and emotionally.
      I know what you are feeling and going through. You are drained, angry, broken, don’t even know who you are any more, empty and used up, with no hope of happiness in the future and he has gone off and is happily involved with someone else giving her everything you ever wanted.
      He has NOT changed, she will get the same treatment as you down the road, but right now he is making you pay for loving him. They don’t respect us for all we do for them. Even though they beg us to come back and tell us outrageous lies to get us back, when we do take them back they are disgusted we were that stupid to believe them and disrespect us even more. Once they are done with someone they want to destroy them so no one else would ever want them and they want the whole world to think it was our fault they were the way they were so they treat the give the new woman every thing we wanted, in fact they take on our personality almost. They use the same words we used on them with the new woman, they tell the stories of all the horrible things they did to us only it is us doing those things to them. they twist all the facts to make themselves look like the victims and get everyone’s sympathy.
      What you have to do is realize that as long as he can get to you he will keep hurting you, even with this new woman he will still come back again and try to suck you back into his sick toxic web. You have so much invested in him you want your investment to pay off, why should some other woman reap the rewards of all your hard work. Believe me she is going to get exactly what you did psychiatrist or not, she has been sucked into with his charm and tales of woe. You can bet he has told horrendous stories of the abuse he suffered from you. The best predictor of the future is the past and he will repeat the past, he does not have a conscience, he was born without the ability to feel empathy, he has just learned how to act like he has feelings and he gets a real ego boost by being able to suck people in. The victims are always caring, loving people who want to save him from himself. Who better than a psychiatrist?

      You need to go no contact, not talk to his family, friends, or check his FB, block him on FB, email, change your phone number if you can and DO NOT ever talk to him or about him again. You can come in here and talk about him all you like but don’t let him know you care one iota what he is doing. Don’t feed his ego any more. The minute he doesn’t have you to feed off of the mask with the new woman will drop.
      I can’t count how many times my ex had a great job and was a new man, it never lasted, ever. he is off bleeding the new woman dry just like your ex. Don’t waste any more of your precious time thinking about what he is doing. He is a lie. Face it and move on. It isn’t fair, even more reason to not invest more emotions and time or brain power into him.
      The biggest mistake I made was to keep in contact. You need to focus on you and your healing and your future.
      Read lots, learn how they manipulate us, read read read there is so much information here and you will only benefit from learning as much as you can and staying no contact. No more chances for him. Save yourself. DO NOT let him in your house again and please download the safety plan at the top of the blog.
      You have come to the right place to heal, from this day forward it is all about you healing and moving on.
      He is the past. don’t look back. There is a life full of sunshine and inner peace but you can’t see it because you are shrouded in the black toxic cloud of the narcissist. Just trust me and go towards the light.
      You have every right to be angry and hurt but STOP taking his sickness on as your own. He is the sick one not you. Every single narcissist finds the love of his life as soon as he leaves the victim. 100 % of them. That is not normal. we are normal, we hurt……….they just find fresh blood to suck on.
      They are soul vampires.
      Come back often
      Hugs

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  6. Debbie M

    Thank you so much for this blog, my story is just the same as so many others. He cheated on me and left me after 13 years and I admit I was shocked as I just didn’t see it coming. He of course blamed everything on me and had me believing him too. I was just so in love with him, I see now though just how manipulating his behaviour was. It is not easy to say that I was totally hooked by his lies as I always thought I was smarter than that but he was also extremely good at what he did. I am only human though with a good heart and I see now how he used this to reel me in. I was totally devastated when I found out the truth of his lies and deception, the first few months were hell but I am healing slowly. Its been 13 months and slowly I am finding myself again and I don’t cry because of him so much anymore. He of course moved straight onto the next woman after me, proposing to her after only 3 months (he told me he felt sorry for her as at 43 she had never been proposed too in her life before – not exactly the reason I would consider marriage!) At the time I thought it odd that she looked exactly like me could be my twin in fact, surely he would be reminded of me every time he looked at her? But maybe that’s what he wanted or just purely a coincidence as she was giving him all the attention he craved.

    I didn’t know about sociopaths and narcissists until I found a post by a friend on facebook and I am finally beginning to understand a lot of the things about my relationship with my ex that had me baffled so thank you to all the ladies that contribute to this and other blogs on this subject as your words of wisdom truly helped me to understand and to be able to move on. I am now in the position that I can take my ex to court for a property settlement whereas I did not feel string enough before. His lies and threats no longer carry any weight with me.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Debbie, thank you for your comment and sharing your story, victims need to know that there is life after the narcissist, you do survive and get strong again, you do stop crying.
      And i always love to hear from women who have made it to the other side, or can see the light at least.
      So glad you are feeling strong enough to fight for a fair settlement. i wish you all the luck in the world!! I did a few posts about going to court you might find interesting and helpful

      http://ladywithatruck.com/2014/11/21/the-benefits-of-journaling-going-to-court/

      http://ladywithatruck.com/2014/12/06/calm-confident-and-in-control/

      Good luck and let us know how it goes.
      Hugs

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