The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

I was reading posts on one of the many “victims of narcissistic abuse” support forums and one of the women posted this link.

I found it very therapeutic, because as much as I hate to admit it; I do feel it isn’t fair he’s gone off and found “happiness” and is giving her all the things I had asked for and he denied me.

I know in my logical mind he hasn’t changed, simply by the way he treats me and talks about me. If he had changed he wouldn’t be lying now. He would admit his mistakes instead of still blaming me for everything.

If he had changed he would be getting hold of his sister and apologizing and at the very least he would have gone to her when she tried to commit suicide.

Anyway, following is an article that really helped me deal with “the new girlfriend” and a link to the site which has a lot of very insightful information on recovering after a relationship with a narcissist. It helped me and I hope it will be a help to some other woman who is out there torturing herself thinking about the ex and his new “love”

The Other Woman–Now He’s HAPPY With HER!

Nothing cranks a woman up more than going through a drama-filled ending of her dysfunctional, pathological, abusive, addicted and/or sick relationship ONLY to find he rapidly moved on and now seems ‘so happy.’ Women tend to conclude it must have been ‘her’ and if he can be happy with someone else and not her, well then….it was some shortcoming in her and she needs to study up to figure out just what ‘went wrong.’

⁠February 7, 2011 by dl
Filed under Sandra Says (Column)

Ladies, ladies ladies….by now you have been reading enough of these newsletters to be able to ‘chant’ the ABC’s of Pathology I have been teaching you—pathology is:

The inability to:
– consistently sustain positive change
– grow to any emotional/spiritual depth
– develop meaningful insight about how his behavior negatively effects others


So what you have to ask yourself is how were his previous relationships? I don’t mean what he TOLD you they were (all her fault, she was a psycho, sleaze, or whacked) but what really happened in them.

If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the ‘quality’ of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships? Yup…that’s what I thought.

How was his relationship with you? No, I’m not talking about the honeymoon cycle when both of you are living off of endorphins. I’m talking about the guts of the thing….the meat and bones of it.

So, he has a history of his own ‘Trail of Tears’ — a path littered with the lives of wounded women and children? Your relationship has left you as one more statistic of his pathological heart breaks.

Now, there’s ‘HER’ — appearing all happy, snuggley and ‘in love’! You see her as getting all the good parts of him you always loved and none of the bad parts! After all, the reason
you left him was all that bad stuff!

Doesn’t it make you want to call her up and tell her what’s just around the corner in the relationship?

Doesn’t it make you want to curl up in a fetal position and cry that he has ‘found happiness in the arms of another?’

Doesn’t it make you sick in the pit of your stomach or consume you with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about how wonderfully ‘in love’ he is? STOP THE DRAMA!

Repeat after me….”Pathology is the inability to sustain positive change” “the best predictor of HIS future behavior is his past behavior” — so just what does that mean? There are honeymoon phases of every relationship. Lovers live on the high of the ‘falling in love stage.’ We already know that pathologicals don’t ‘technically’ fall in love but they do hang around and experience some level of attachment. But YOU experienced the whole endorphin falling in love sensation. Well, so is SHE.

How long did yours last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or two of ok-ness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating….once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.

Guess what’s gonna happen AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating, then she’ll eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserableness of knowing what he’s doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then he’ll rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her or leave.

~OUILA~ she is now on his ‘Stepford Wives List of Rejects’. She’s one more tear on his ‘Trail of Tears.’ You haven’t seen behind their closed doors to know what SHE’s dealing with….he hasn’t changed—he’s hardwired so she’s going to be dealing with the same thing you did. It’s just a matter of WHEN.

If I were a gambling girl, I’d put my money every stinking time on the consistency of pathology and his inability to ever change in ANY relationship–the previous one, yours, or the future ones. She’s not getting the best of ANYTHING. She’s you. And in a short time, she’ll be another statistic. If pathology doesn’t change, this relationship is wired for destruction.

There are NO happy endings in relationships with pathologicals. There are no pumpkin-drawn carriages, no sweet little house with three children…scratch that record! Stop attributing normal characteristics to a profoundly abnormal person.

Women spend all their precious emotional energy on obsessing about the quality of his relationship with the next victim instead of working on themselves–using that energy for their own healing. They live in a fantasy world where they are deprived of this wonderful relationship and he is off living the life of a normal person. This fantasy does not end with “And they lived happily ever after.”

Your positive fantasy thoughts of him being happy with someone are the memories that are
pulling all of your focus while you totally forget how this horror flick is going to end. If you need a reminder, read all of our archived Sandra Says columns.

Take a deep breath and come back…she hasn’t got anything you haven’t already gotten from him–MISERY. If she doesn’t have it right now, she will have it shortly. Once you really ‘get it’ about the permanence of pathology you’ll understand that his ability to be different in the relationship doesn’t exist. If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you. But he didn’t–and he won’t. Whatever exists right now is that short honeymoon cycle until she realizes what he is and ISN’T–and what he can NEVER be. Don’t bother picking up the phone and telling her what he is and isn’t. Just worry about your own recovery….from this
moment on, it’s all about you

104 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

  1. Anon- Who is he to tell you what you are worth? The reason he did this is because you are obviously worth a lot and he had to make you doubt that to gain control over you! The reason the new girl is getting the honeymoon period is to wind you up so you doubt yourself and run to him for validation. Don’t- just cut him out of your life and every time you feel your mind romanticisng him and longing for him and thinking he is being nicer to the other girl, remember, he isn’t- it is all a horrid manipulative game – they don’t give a damn about anyone. Keep repeating that until you believe it- he doesn’t care about anyone and he is out to destroy everyone! Find a good person- not him.


  2. I sympathize. It’s sucks even being aware of what’s going on with the N and his NS. If you perceive that he treats her better don’t be fooled. It could be she is more pliable than you. She is giving him want he wants where he said you could not. But think, do you want to be in those shoes, giving him EVERYTHING, doing everything on his terms, not able or allowed to express any true feelings, holding it in or putting on a smile when you really want to scream (these comments are based on my own experience but seem to apply to many).
    He actually told you he was never fully attracted to you? What an A-hole. Who does that? I truly believe they learn words like “best friend” and “future wife” to keep you in the hunt for their full affection which they have no intention of giving. I know for a fact my N did not know the meaning of the word friend. Only how to use it to get what he wanted. I used my “friend” label to gain more knowledge about my N. He really let his freak flag fly when he was no longer interested in wooing me. He would say things like he would never let a woman control him, that someone would have to give him 199% before he gave anything, frequently used the word “bitches.” It was quite eye opening. I am admittedly still weening myself off of being aware of him and his life – i’m trying but every now and again i get curious or he tries to contact me which makes me curious. I recently noticed he seems to be re-inventing himself on fb. New profile with all new friends and his gf is not one of his friends – hmm. Planning his next move? Maybe. He needed to gather a new group to listen to his stories and drink the kool-aid. Pathetic.


    1. Stronger, my ex had two fb accts one for his family and one for his 2nd life. That is the scarey thing about online, a person can make themselves out to be anything they want and who is to know any better. wospos posted his fantasy life on fb.
      Any contact he makes is just him bored and seeing if he can get to you still. Ignore ignore ignore. just like he used to deny deny deny


  3. Hi Carrie,
    I think you are right about the N working harder if someone demands more. My xN in the beginning told me he and his ex-wife used to fight, I mean loud, screaming matches, all the time but I took that to mean they shouldn’t have ever been together not that it may have been what actually kept them together (short though it was). I am not one to yell and scream at someone – I just don’t get it – how do you come back from that? You can’t ever take back the things you say in that circumstance. If it’s that bad I think you should just walk away. My N disarmed me from the beginning by telling me such a tale of woe and a list of issues that it felt like anything I would bring up or any negative feeling I was having was trivial and petty compared to what he was dealing with. He made it clear he couldn’t handle “drama.” I didn’t know then that his definition of drama meant anything that was happening to anyone else and nothing HE caused. Never wanting to be the “emotional” or “needy” girl I bought right into it. What all of us have to realize and really, really own is that just because you have needs doesn’t make you needy. Demanding to be treated with respect does not make you demanding and expressing how someone else’s behavior makes you feel does not make you emotional. I truly believe that having to bottle all of that up (the walking on eggshells) is why it takes so long to get over the N. You keep replaying all of the situations you encountered with them and wish you had reacted differently and wonder what the outcome would have been if you had – N rage most likely but perhaps you’d have a clearer mind about it now.


    1. Stronger, my apologies for not replying sooner it must have been when I was taking time off. It is really interesting that they ALL say the same thing: They hate Drama! yet they are the ones to create it. We are only responding to their actions. I like you hate conflict and much prefer to just talk things out calmly and in the beginning that is what we did and then the mask dropped and that was it. Everything was a fight after that. The simplest things would end up major fights with him moving out or screaming at me to get out. I had never experienced anything like it. So of course you start to walk on egg shells trying to avoid the drama.
      I do think they stick around longer with someone who presents more of a challenge. Not that it makes any difference in the end, the relationships always end the same way.
      But I think the real pushover women that immediately melt at his feet don’t last more than a few weeks orr months because how long the relationship lasts depends on when he feels he has the victim solidly hooked, when he feels the victim is fully committed to him then the he feels safe to drop his mask. From there the discard isn’t far behind.


  4. narcissists NEVER change, they put up a charade when they find someone new, they only want a source of attention to maintain their self believed grandiosity. The best way to punish then is to delete them from your life. They feel insulted and hurt by this.


    1. Thanks Carrie. I needed this today. My N and OW have now been together for 1 year. I heard through mutual friends (that can’t believe it either) they celebrated and he bought her something engraved to commemorate it. Which means he actually did something thoughtful and spent money. Things he seemed incapable of before. Not that long ago he told me he wrote me a note to thank me for helping him and being a friend over the last year and was going to leave it on my door but then threw it out. Was I supposed to think it was the thought that counts? How does that person and the one buying his gf an anniversary present exist in the same body?

      The person I had the pleasure of knowing was always broke, never bought me a thing unless he was hammered and trying to be a big shot, gambled his money away, every outing and event he was either anxiety ridden to the point of having a panic attack and had to be calmed by me which meant my attention was on him, or we’d have to leave or he would get smashed and then needed a babysitter which meant my attention was on him, or would become depressed and brought to tears which meant my attention was on him. We had very few “normal” outings and I never knew when the night would turn. Even just hanging out at home involved me doing something for him – cooking (which I don’t mind), helping with a school project or rubbing his back until my shoulders were sore. He would often promise to do something nice for me in return or say that we would go somewhere or another but it never happened.

      That’s no mistake – or your busy or just forget – you have to TRY to be that selfish and I know to this day he thinks nothing was ever wrong – even as he is paying back the money he owes me (shocking) he still doesn’t think there was anything wrong with asking for it in the first place – oh wait I’m sorry did I say asking? I meant completely manipulating and lying and playing the sympathy card in order to get it. Wow, amazing I can still be this angry.

      I can’t help it I want that validation that I wasn’t the only sucker to fall for his BS – I’m not the only one who financed part of his life – I’m not the only one he was hot and cold with – not the only one that sat listening to his endless stories (lies) – or showed up over and over because he said he was having a panic attack – not the only one he broke promises to – not the only one whose friends thought there was something “off” about him, etc., etc.


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