The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

I was reading posts on one of the many “victims of narcissistic abuse” support forums and one of the women posted this link.

I found it very therapeutic, because as much as I hate to admit it; I do feel it isn’t fair he’s gone off and found “happiness” and is giving her all the things I had asked for and he denied me.

I know in my logical mind he hasn’t changed, simply by the way he treats me and talks about me. If he had changed he wouldn’t be lying now. He would admit his mistakes instead of still blaming me for everything.

If he had changed he would be getting hold of his sister and apologizing and at the very least he would have gone to her when she tried to commit suicide.

Anyway, following is an article that really helped me deal with “the new girlfriend” and a link to the site which has a lot of very insightful information on recovering after a relationship with a narcissist. It helped me and I hope it will be a help to some other woman who is out there torturing herself thinking about the ex and his new “love”

The Other Woman–Now He’s HAPPY With HER!

Nothing cranks a woman up more than going through a drama-filled ending of her dysfunctional, pathological, abusive, addicted and/or sick relationship ONLY to find he rapidly moved on and now seems ‘so happy.’ Women tend to conclude it must have been ‘her’ and if he can be happy with someone else and not her, well then….it was some shortcoming in her and she needs to study up to figure out just what ‘went wrong.’

⁠February 7, 2011 by dl
Filed under Sandra Says (Column)

Ladies, ladies ladies….by now you have been reading enough of these newsletters to be able to ‘chant’ the ABC’s of Pathology I have been teaching you—pathology is:

The inability to:
– consistently sustain positive change
– grow to any emotional/spiritual depth
and
– develop meaningful insight about how his behavior negatively effects others

THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR when it comes to a pathological.

So what you have to ask yourself is how were his previous relationships? I don’t mean what he TOLD you they were (all her fault, she was a psycho, sleaze, or whacked) but what really happened in them.

If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the ‘quality’ of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships? Yup…that’s what I thought.

How was his relationship with you? No, I’m not talking about the honeymoon cycle when both of you are living off of endorphins. I’m talking about the guts of the thing….the meat and bones of it.

So, he has a history of his own ‘Trail of Tears’ — a path littered with the lives of wounded women and children? Your relationship has left you as one more statistic of his pathological heart breaks.

Now, there’s ‘HER’ — appearing all happy, snuggley and ‘in love’! You see her as getting all the good parts of him you always loved and none of the bad parts! After all, the reason
you left him was all that bad stuff!

Doesn’t it make you want to call her up and tell her what’s just around the corner in the relationship?

Doesn’t it make you want to curl up in a fetal position and cry that he has ‘found happiness in the arms of another?’

Doesn’t it make you sick in the pit of your stomach or consume you with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about how wonderfully ‘in love’ he is? STOP THE DRAMA!

Repeat after me….”Pathology is the inability to sustain positive change” “the best predictor of HIS future behavior is his past behavior” — so just what does that mean? There are honeymoon phases of every relationship. Lovers live on the high of the ‘falling in love stage.’ We already know that pathologicals don’t ‘technically’ fall in love but they do hang around and experience some level of attachment. But YOU experienced the whole endorphin falling in love sensation. Well, so is SHE.

How long did yours last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or two of ok-ness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating….once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.

Guess what’s gonna happen AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating, then she’ll eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserableness of knowing what he’s doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then he’ll rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her or leave.

~OUILA~ she is now on his ‘Stepford Wives List of Rejects’. She’s one more tear on his ‘Trail of Tears.’ You haven’t seen behind their closed doors to know what SHE’s dealing with….he hasn’t changed—he’s hardwired so she’s going to be dealing with the same thing you did. It’s just a matter of WHEN.

If I were a gambling girl, I’d put my money every stinking time on the consistency of pathology and his inability to ever change in ANY relationship–the previous one, yours, or the future ones. She’s not getting the best of ANYTHING. She’s you. And in a short time, she’ll be another statistic. If pathology doesn’t change, this relationship is wired for destruction.

There are NO happy endings in relationships with pathologicals. There are no pumpkin-drawn carriages, no sweet little house with three children…scratch that record! Stop attributing normal characteristics to a profoundly abnormal person.

Women spend all their precious emotional energy on obsessing about the quality of his relationship with the next victim instead of working on themselves–using that energy for their own healing. They live in a fantasy world where they are deprived of this wonderful relationship and he is off living the life of a normal person. This fantasy does not end with “And they lived happily ever after.”

Your positive fantasy thoughts of him being happy with someone are the memories that are
pulling all of your focus while you totally forget how this horror flick is going to end. If you need a reminder, read all of our archived Sandra Says columns.

Take a deep breath and come back…she hasn’t got anything you haven’t already gotten from him–MISERY. If she doesn’t have it right now, she will have it shortly. Once you really ‘get it’ about the permanence of pathology you’ll understand that his ability to be different in the relationship doesn’t exist. If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you. But he didn’t–and he won’t. Whatever exists right now is that short honeymoon cycle until she realizes what he is and ISN’T–and what he can NEVER be. Don’t bother picking up the phone and telling her what he is and isn’t. Just worry about your own recovery….from this
moment on, it’s all about you

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her

145 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

  1. Karen

    This is embarassing. In my case, I am the narc. I admit it. I drove away the love of my life by exhibiting a lot of these symptoms. We have been divorced almost two years, and he has moved on and seems happy. When I found out about her, I spent 3 or 4 months in severe depression, anquished, trying to get him back, and finally…the worst…wanted to meet the new girlfriend. You guessed it…it didn’t end with her and I being best buddies, to say the least. Now here is why I am admitting this stuff. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS WAY. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A NARC. I am in therapy, but honestly…it is not working. I do not want to spend the rest of my life unhappy with this issue that is trapped inside me. I am NOT a terrible person totally…I have feelings to. Can someone recommend what I can do to move forward from this life-long sentence?

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Karen, what symptoms are you displaying? There are many disorders that have many of the same symptoms. A narcissist does not usually see they have a problem and they never want help. I think maybe you need to find a different therapist. A lot of the symptoms can be Bi-Polar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder and those both can be helped with meds and counseling combined. I can not give medical advice because I am not a professional therapist and I don’t know your history. But I will tell you this much, the brains of a narcissist or not fully developed, somehow they never formed the ability to feel empathy, remorse, or guilt and they can not be ‘fixed”. it does not sound to me like that is you.
      if you can tell me how you know it is not working, what are you still doing that you don’t want to do? if you don’t want to do whatever it is that you are doing, why do you do it? what are you getting out of it?
      I would love to help you but definitely need more info.

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  2. lexiconlover

    This is the best article I think I’ve ever read. Your blog is literally a life saver. I don’t know how to find my way out of darkness. I feel like I’ve been isolated
    so long I can’t even see in the light yet.

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    1. sue

      please understand you are not alone. I am not a young woman and thought I finally found true love at almost 60 to a man who is highly accomplished and respected in his field. Early ON I was idealized, he said I was the love of his life, his last partner in life, we were bonded for life. Soon erratic tantrums started and cold distant behaviors that would come and go and then he would be loving again and I would blame it on some meds he was taking/ In the end he left said he never loved me after a month prior saying we should be married and has been cold as ice..I feel he faked love, and is the phoniest coldest man I have ever known I am devastated and he has stated he feels NOTHING. He already has a new girlfriend ( poor soul, she has not clue)

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      1. Sunnydae

        You can always tell when they grow cold they have another lined up. Mine told me he lost interest in me then 5 months started with hoovering. They are fake and it’s best not to believe anything they say. It’s all a game for these kind. Don’t worry she will on the internet looking for clues as we all have done. They do not change.

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  3. Rainqueen

    so about the ‘asked him to work’ part…. can anyone elaborate? is this to mean that the N does not want to take part in responsibilities around the house? Mine did stuff in the house but he acted like he was going SO above and beyond the call of duty, doing all ‘my’ work, and ‘what did I ever do for him?’ and ‘he did EVERYthing’ …. when all he really did was do the dishes or mow the lawn…… he made me feel like I should have done it…. whenever his mom would call he would ALWAYS without fail say right off the bat ‘I am just cooking dinner’ or ‘just finishing the dishes’ or ‘just bathing the kids’ even if it was the first time in 6 months he ever bathed them! I always thought I was imagining things and he couldnt really be doing that ‘on purpose’ but it seemed so strange that his mom always called right when he was doing something SO wonderful and I must be SO lucky to have him doing all ‘my’ work….. then when he would rage next, he would accuse me of treating him like my slave and what did I ever DO for HIM …
    Another question/comment about N’s in general …… (as I am still trying to confirm that is his issue or is it just depression or what)… so a lot of what Carrie says I see a lot about cheating and discarding women.. well mine did not cheat but he was sneaky about buying things …I found out after we separated and after I started to put together the patterns I think of how materialistic he was and how he was very sneaky about buying things for his hobbies and not really being honest about what they cost…. and I was too busy and tired looking after kids that I let it go…. he didnt ‘discard’ so to speak either – more like he refused to leave! but actually he did ‘discard’ me emotionally … he just wouldnt leave his ‘territory’ … the relationship was clearly over as he was telling me to ‘F off’ every single day and in front of the kids….. he said every day how annoying i was and how everything that came out of my mouth was whining and complaining…. how no one could ever stand me, how I just want to get what I wan all the time……… but he didnt leave….. for a very long time….

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Rainqueen, please keep reading and educating yourself on narcissists, it does help to know what you were/are dealing with. They are not all exactly the same but they eerily seem to have some sort of Narcissist Instruction Manual. Unless you know what you are dealing with it is very easy to dismiss or excuse some huge red flags. Most victims are so busy doing damage control they totally miss things.
      Most narcissists will appear to be hard working but when you look closer you realize they can put in a phenomenal amount of time into \”looking\” busy. They always make it sound like they are the only one working, they hold the house together, the office, if not for them nothing would ever get done, or done right. They are always the victim and being taken advantage of. It is never their fault but they will take credit for the hard work of others.
      You say he never cheated, for 8 out of 10 years I didn’t think my ex would ever cheat; either you weren’t with him long enough for him to cheat or you didn’t catch him. They are very rarely faithful by choice.
      My ex would say it was over, he wanted out, treat me like shit and then not leave. I even moved to get away from him and then he would beg his way back into my life and before long we were right back to the way things were. |Him bitching about me and blaming me for his unhappiness and saying I was an ungrateful bitch who made his life hell, spent all his money and was a “black hole” that he sunk all his money into.
      They are never happy. They will tell you to do one thing so you do it and they deny saying it and want something else. No matter what you, or how fast you dance, you never get it right and if you get upset about it they will say you are too sensitive, or paranoid, or crazy.
      The secret now that he is gone is to stay no contact. No contact is not just not calling him it means, you block his calls, you don’t talk to any mutual friends about him, don’t check his social media, in fact, block him every way you can. If you block him you are not sitting around waiting for his call and you won’t have to listen to his BS when he decides he wants you back and he has finally had an epiphany and realizes it is you he loves. Because 95% of narcissists will do a curtain call within the year after breaking up and they will say everything you ever wanted to hear, promise the moon just to get you back and then the abuse will start again, only worse.
      You are not alone, keep reading, keep asking questions, keep commenting; we are here for you.
      |Hugs

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  4. Susan

    Hiya I really need answers my ex NPD is now with a girl that put her kids into care cause she couldn’t cope with them and my ex is bringing my babies into her company, he only has them 3 hours a week and insist on her been there they are both on drugs and my nerves are gone by babies are only 3 and one, why should she play mother to my kids when she can’t look after her own 😡😡 I’ve went no contact for 3 months and I’m doing great without him, I’m worried about my kids and the life he has to offer them, the kids love him so much I don’t want to stop him having access at all, today I played right into he’s game and snapped because yet again she was there with my kids, I know the rules are to welcome the new supply but this girl is not someone you would have your dog around, when we were still together they were friends and he said himself she’s in bits and so is her house and wouldn’t have our kids around her, how do I stop it without going nuts

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Susan, my apologies for the slow reply! I understand your concern completely but I think you are looking at it from the negative angle when actually I see a huge positive here! First I must ask how you know your ex and his new g/f are doing drugs? If you have proof, why are they not having supervised visitation. I know of several situations where the man had to drug test before being allowed to see his child and he had to prove he was drug free for a year before he was granted unsupervised visitation.
      Aside from that, I see you as being in the best position possible if you are co-parenting with a narcissist. Many women who come here are in the position of the narc trying to get custody of the children. As long as your ex is with this woman there is no way he would stand a chance of ever getting custody, you would only have to bring up in court that she gave up her own children. 3 hours a week is not enough time to cause any major emotional harm to your children (I am still concerned about the drug use). As for her being someone he said he didn’t want his kids around; narcs are pathological liars and more than likely he was screwing her when you all were “friends” and he was trying to throw you off b making out that he didn’t like her.
      Believe me, you are never going to be happy about him being involved with another woman, no matter who it is; be honest; would you be happier if he was with a wonderful, loving mother type woman who would make a perfect step mom to your kids and raise them like her own? Right now you are looking really good by comparison.
      For three hours a week you can grin and bare it and in between times try not to dwell on it. there are 168 hours in a week and he has them for 3 of those, leaving you with 165 hours to enjoy and love your kids; don’t let his 3 hours destroy your 165 hours!!

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      1. Susan

        Thanks you so much for your reply, your wise words hit me like a truck you are right I am looking at it all wrong, I was looking at it like that but I don’t know what flip the switch to change my thinking back to the way he wants me thinking and rowing :( I’m so lucky that he is no more standing in my garden for hours on end trying to get in and upsetting the kids, I finally have the peace I’ve always craved for, i will go to the courts and see what they can offer me about he’s drug taking, I am a bit bitter because she is such a downgrade but when I really think about it I don’t want him here anyway :) oh they really leave your head messed up don’t they, my beautiful babies are my world and my job is to protect them, hurts me so much he can be so active in there life and I soon as I said get out he can’t be bothered with they kids, I am he’s 3rd family he’s done this on

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        1. Susan

          Ps the drugs my ex take is called snow blow it’s a legal high he takes it everyday and can’t get out of bed if he doesn’t have it, but it doesn’t show up on drug testing I’ve looked into it X

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  5. Jessica

    My ex narc boyfriend is now engaged to the new girlfriend “second new supply”. They have only been dating for 6 months at least from what I know of. When I found out I was devastated because he was just at my home two weeks prior before getting engaged. He never once mentioned the thoughts of getting engaged to her. He only spoke about wanting to work things out with me because the new girlfriend was not what he expected. I never said I wanted to work things out I just told him he always jumps ship when things go south. It is eerie how I did mention that we were looking at engagement rings around this time last year and boom now he is engaged. It’s like he threw it in my face as in “ah ha she got the ring and not you.” The sad part is I found out through facebook because the “new supply” posted publicly. I find it odd because everything else about her is hidden from facebook. However, I did notice none of his close friends or work friends that I know of liked the posted. It only had 47 likes in two weeks so it makes me think he hid the status from all his friends and family. When you get engaged and post on social media you get more than 50 likes. It made me realize he is uncertain about the engagement perhaps. But that’s just my theory. My friends and family think the engagement or relationship will not last.

    I didn’t realize until recently that I now know my ex is a narcissist. He always comes back to me when the new girl is not what he expected after the honey moon phase ends. He always uses his charm, gifts, apologies, and promises to make me think things will be different if we get back together. When I do let him back into my life he gradually becomes verbally and physically abusive. He eventually goes back to his old ways. He would come home late, not come home, or make an excuse he was too tired to drive home and would need to crash at a friends house. I would soon find out he was cheating on me. I hid everything very well from me.

    I was always so focused on our relationship and him that I forgot about myself. My time went directly to working my full time job, cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry, and picking up after him. If I ever needed help I would always ask and he would sometimes help, complain he was too busy, get upset, or not help out at all. It was frustrating and I felt so alone in the relationship. I couldn’t do anything right.

    I know from his past relationships before and after me all his relationships had the same pattern of physical or verbal abuse. His ex girlfriends and I would always take care of him. He would eventually get bored or unhappy with the relationship he was in at the time. I remember him telling me he cheated on his ex girlfriend “the first new supply” with someone they both had worked with. He even went to lengths to sleep with a married woman when he was in a relationship.

    May of 2015 I did try my best to get us both to seek counseling but it seems it did not help. He continued to date his current girlfriend “the second new supply” which is now his fiancée. He didn’t take the time to work on himself but decided to jump into a new relationship. I continued to see my therapist but never thought my ex was a narcissist all theses years until now. I now know the fiancée is just only the “new supply” but I am somewhat jealous she was at least able to get the engaged status.

    I still have days where I will cry and wonder maybe he was able to change. I can only imagine their wedding and seeing them both happy. But when I read the stories on this site he fits the profile of a narcissist to the “T” and it’s scary. We both are no longer in contact with one another. I told him not to contact me but I feel like that will not last long. I think he will begin the process of “hoovering” in the coming months. It has always been his pattern. I am not absolutely sure…but if he does I have always failed at avoiding him. He shows up unexpectedly at my home, my job, or will find a way to contact me. I do want closure and I have blocked all social media to avoid checking up on him. I hope I will be able to move on and let go one day. I know I gave him too many chances. I always see the good in people and I think that is how he was able to control me. I think to this day he knows he needs to go into hiding to try to control me again. I just don’t have it in me to let that happen again.

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  6. Sunnydae

    I know this is hard, but feel sorry for her. He will not change and eventually she will be in the same place as your are now (feeling drained, confused and angry) That’s what they do. Try and live a good life and meditate on letting go so you can move on. He is not worth your time or your thoughts about him. Move on!!

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