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The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

I was reading posts on one of the many “victims of narcissistic abuse” support forums and one of the women posted this link.

I found it very therapeutic, because as much as I hate to admit it; I do feel it isn’t fair he’s gone off and found “happiness” and is giving her all the things I had asked for and he denied me.

I know in my logical mind he hasn’t changed, simply by the way he treats me and talks about me. If he had changed he wouldn’t be lying now. He would admit his mistakes instead of still blaming me for everything.

If he had changed he would be getting hold of his sister and apologizing and at the very least he would have gone to her when she tried to commit suicide.

Anyway, following is an article that really helped me deal with “the new girlfriend” and a link to the site which has a lot of very insightful information on recovering after a relationship with a narcissist. It helped me and I hope it will be a help to some other woman who is out there torturing herself thinking about the ex and his new “love”

The Other Woman–Now He’s HAPPY With HER!

Nothing cranks a woman up more than going through a drama-filled ending of her dysfunctional, pathological, abusive, addicted and/or sick relationship ONLY to find he rapidly moved on and now seems ‘so happy.’ Women tend to conclude it must have been ‘her’ and if he can be happy with someone else and not her, well then….it was some shortcoming in her and she needs to study up to figure out just what ‘went wrong.’

⁠February 7, 2011 by dl
Filed under Sandra Says (Column)

Ladies, ladies ladies….by now you have been reading enough of these newsletters to be able to ‘chant’ the ABC’s of Pathology I have been teaching you—pathology is:

The inability to:
– consistently sustain positive change
– grow to any emotional/spiritual depth
and
– develop meaningful insight about how his behavior negatively effects others

THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR when it comes to a pathological.

So what you have to ask yourself is how were his previous relationships? I don’t mean what he TOLD you they were (all her fault, she was a psycho, sleaze, or whacked) but what really happened in them.

If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the ‘quality’ of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships? Yup…that’s what I thought.

How was his relationship with you? No, I’m not talking about the honeymoon cycle when both of you are living off of endorphins. I’m talking about the guts of the thing….the meat and bones of it.

So, he has a history of his own ‘Trail of Tears’ — a path littered with the lives of wounded women and children? Your relationship has left you as one more statistic of his pathological heart breaks.

Now, there’s ‘HER’ — appearing all happy, snuggley and ‘in love’! You see her as getting all the good parts of him you always loved and none of the bad parts! After all, the reason
you left him was all that bad stuff!

Doesn’t it make you want to call her up and tell her what’s just around the corner in the relationship?

Doesn’t it make you want to curl up in a fetal position and cry that he has ‘found happiness in the arms of another?’

Doesn’t it make you sick in the pit of your stomach or consume you with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about how wonderfully ‘in love’ he is? STOP THE DRAMA!

Repeat after me….”Pathology is the inability to sustain positive change” “the best predictor of HIS future behavior is his past behavior” — so just what does that mean? There are honeymoon phases of every relationship. Lovers live on the high of the ‘falling in love stage.’ We already know that pathologicals don’t ‘technically’ fall in love but they do hang around and experience some level of attachment. But YOU experienced the whole endorphin falling in love sensation. Well, so is SHE.

How long did yours last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or two of ok-ness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating….once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.

Guess what’s gonna happen AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating, then she’ll eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserableness of knowing what he’s doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then he’ll rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her or leave.

~OUILA~ she is now on his ‘Stepford Wives List of Rejects’. She’s one more tear on his ‘Trail of Tears.’ You haven’t seen behind their closed doors to know what SHE’s dealing with….he hasn’t changed—he’s hardwired so she’s going to be dealing with the same thing you did. It’s just a matter of WHEN.

If I were a gambling girl, I’d put my money every stinking time on the consistency of pathology and his inability to ever change in ANY relationship–the previous one, yours, or the future ones. She’s not getting the best of ANYTHING. She’s you. And in a short time, she’ll be another statistic. If pathology doesn’t change, this relationship is wired for destruction.

There are NO happy endings in relationships with pathologicals. There are no pumpkin-drawn carriages, no sweet little house with three children…scratch that record! Stop attributing normal characteristics to a profoundly abnormal person.

Women spend all their precious emotional energy on obsessing about the quality of his relationship with the next victim instead of working on themselves–using that energy for their own healing. They live in a fantasy world where they are deprived of this wonderful relationship and he is off living the life of a normal person. This fantasy does not end with “And they lived happily ever after.”

Your positive fantasy thoughts of him being happy with someone are the memories that are
pulling all of your focus while you totally forget how this horror flick is going to end. If you need a reminder, read all of our archived Sandra Says columns.

Take a deep breath and come back…she hasn’t got anything you haven’t already gotten from him–MISERY. If she doesn’t have it right now, she will have it shortly. Once you really ‘get it’ about the permanence of pathology you’ll understand that his ability to be different in the relationship doesn’t exist. If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you. But he didn’t–and he won’t. Whatever exists right now is that short honeymoon cycle until she realizes what he is and ISN’T–and what he can NEVER be. Don’t bother picking up the phone and telling her what he is and isn’t. Just worry about your own recovery….from this
moment on, it’s all about you

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her

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About Carrie Reimer

I am a 56 year old single woman who has taken her experiences from a 10 year abusive relationship and turned them into a positive. Through my blog I share my experiences and help other women in similar circumstances find happiness and safety. There is life after a narcissist and I stand here before you as proof. Don't let the bastards get you down. View all posts by Carrie Reimer

93 responses to “The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

  • Susan

    Your are right Ellie, it hurts because I was truthful! and like you said! I don’t know her and like we all know she will have to learn the hard way.
    Yes is every word out of his mouth a lie, of course, and you guys are right he doesn’t care who he travels with as look as he can travel and have sex, and she was the better deal, she is paying to have sex with a diseased psychopath. I knew she was going to go no matter what, I also know I lost nothing, but for this past few days to know she was a liar too, that hurt.
    But it is what it is and I will never no the truth! nor does it matter.
    This chapter in my life is over.
    Thank you all for your support.
    Susan

    Like

  • Susan

    Carrie,
    you are right and. I do feel awful for that woman before you who drank herself to death.
    I can assure you that will never happen to me. I actually have a great job, make great money, have a beautiful home and financially independent. I have beautiful children and a grandson, with family that loves me.
    I am very blessed and that was one of the things that the bastard was always jealous of me. I made my money the honest way, him don’t think so.
    I knew he was not right from day one, but that is how he keeps woman hanging on, for me it was going on vacations, that is how he use to get me back when I had left him.
    For her, she is buying him, not really sure why, nor does it matter.
    I have these last few months set certain goals for me, and I am going to work towards what I want.
    I am a very truthful compassionate person, and it just through me that she was a big liar like him.
    It doesn’t matter, he is not worth anymore of my energy.
    like I said to e
    Lie in my response this chapter of the book is closed forever.
    Thank you,
    Carrie

    Like

  • Marlene

    The new gf was my best friend and she already knew some of what he was like with me…Its been a year and a half and they are still together.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ellie2013

      Hey Marlene!

      Wow, that really sucks :( She was NEVER really your friend, a real friend would not do that, so you are better off without them both. Sounds like they deserve each other.

      Hugs
      Ellie

      Like

  • Vanessa

    This has been very helpful, thank you. I was discarded just a couple of weeks ago, on June 20th and by June 24th, he was already in a full on relationship, posting about it on Facebook. The new supply seems VERY smitten and they seem “happy” and it was killing me at first but I realize that it will be more of the same as it was with me and his past relationships. I’m sure he’s telling her just like he told me that he has a broken picker and needs a good woman like me. The reason that I’m commenting is that he has been in AA since February of this year and claims he is not the old person he was and blames it on his previous meth use (he’s been clean since FEB) and seems to have everyone fooled that he’s this great guy. I was always calling BS as he has displayed his typical narc behavior to me while being in the program but chalks it up to me pushing his buttons! and part of me does wonder if the 12 steps and AA will help him recover from NPD? Anyone have any experience with Narcs who have tried AA?

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Vanessa, sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I don’t have experience with anyone being in AA but I have seen N’s profess to be changed and it is always an act. He wants you to doubt yourself. Don’t. If you saw signs of him being an N while he was in treatment then you saw them, don’t let him make you doubt yourself.
      I have never heard of anyone “recovering” from being an N, not once and I have done a lot of research on the topic. Any I know have been the same way using or clean. It is a disorder they are born with. The drugs or alcohol might bring out some N traits but not all of them. A lot of traits of a drug addict or alcoholic are very narcissistic, lying, rage, mood swings, etc but seeing as i wasn’t in your relationship I really can’t tell you if he will change or not.
      If he is an N, then he will not change but if he wasn’t an N and it was the drugs then he will change.
      I think what you have to do is stop trying to figure out what he is doing and concentrate on YOU. Go no contact, block him on facebook, tell people you don’t want to hear about his new life. Don’t take his calls, don’t read his text messages. He sounds like an N to me and they will take any opportunity to hurt the victim they get.
      I am willing to bet money he was seeing this woman before he dumped you.
      You don’t need this scum bag in your life, to continue to communicate with him is torturing yourself. He as a new woman, that he cheated on you with. I would start with getting tested for STD’s and then get on with the grieving of the a relationship that never was. You will not get closure. What difference does it make to you whether it was the drugs and booze or if he really is an N? It’s over. He is not your problem any more.
      Good luck and hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • strongreveryday

    Vanessa,
    There’s a saying, “If it looks like a Duck, walks like a Duck and quacks like a Duck, its a Duck!” Now replace “Duck” with “Narc.” A narc will never say they are treating you badly because they are a narc. No, it will be due to some outside force or your fault. My narc was being treated for ptsd and substance abuse and I excused so much of his narc behavior to those disorders. When I look back it gives me the chills, seriously. I was trying to educate myself about ptsd so I could be “supportive” (aka, making excuses for him and putting up with whatever he dished out). I had a couple of posts up on a ptsd site and a member pointed out that it’s not always ptsd, sometimes people are just a-holes. I took ptsd out of the equation and ended up square on NPD sites. Thank goodness!! Once I realized what I was dealing with I knew I had to get away. Had I not discovered this I know I would have stayed for the promise of him being healed of his ills one day and being the man I wanted and deserved. Now I know that will never happen no matter who he with or what hoops they jump through for him.

    Your ex is in AA, I applaud that but if he’s serious about it he should be focused on his recovery and maybe not be in a relationship with anyone right now, even you. You said, “I was always calling BS as he has displayed his typical narc behavior to me while being in the program but chalks it up to me pushing his buttons!” This is classic narc behavior, blaming you for his treating you badly. It’s also probably why you were discarded – you called him out. Never stop doing this with him and with anyone else quite frankly. You are allowed to say, “hey, I didn’t appreciate when you…”. A normal person will listen and apologize. A Narc tells you that you are being emotional, needy and that they only did that because you did this. A Narc will punish you with the silent treatment or by pulling a disappearing act. This is their passive-aggressive way of telling you not to ever confront them again. NOT NORMAL.

    After four days he’s in a relationship and splashing it on FB. You were discarded June 20. What was going on before that? It is common for there to be a period of devaluing. This is the time when you are wondering what is going on. Nothing is how it used to be. Perhaps you had a routine of when you would talk and spend time together and then suddenly you have no idea where he is or if you will hear from him. What are the chances he was involved with this person while still with you? 100%? He may be a recovering addict, which comes with it’s own struggles, especially in relationships. But there is no such thing as a recovering Narc! Keep reading this site and others and empower yourself with information. There is no excuse for someone treating you like crap. Also, please do not get hung up on how he and his new supply “seem” happy. I know it’s tough, believe me I do. He is interested in her because she thinks he is great. She has only seen a sliver of him. How long was it before you saw the real him? Think way back to the first time you thought “hmm,” but ignored it or excused it. I’ll bet the period of the relationship when you were in a state of confusion lasted longer than the “good” part. Power and peace to you. I know this is hard and sometimes friends don’t understand. I’ll check back if you want to discuss further.

    Like

  • tigerlilly34

    Hi all, I was in a narc marriage for 10 yrs, 2 kids. I sent him packing 6 months ago and of all people he has hooked up with, my estranged aunt whom I have nothing to do with, for obvious reasons it makes me sick. Over 2 yrs ago I went to a medium, clairvoyant (big mistake) and we were separated at the time and she had told me, him and I don’t work and that I enable him, and that he would end up with a nurse aka my aunt. She also said she is a lot stronger than I am and wont put up with stuff from him, and it will be good for him and he will change. So you can imagine my insecurity over this feeling like its ME. So this kept me with him, and I kept trying it was a load of bs. I tried everything tried being assertive he would rage or simply leave, nothing works with a narc NOTHING. So I have gone no contact and he HATES me calling me the most disgusting names in public and it hurt. But truth is he is simply being himself his real self, and that is what is so heartbreaking about these men they are so good at the act. I guess he is in the idealise stage and needs to have an emotional punching bag when he gets sick of the act with her. He cant come near me I had an avo put on him but occasionally see him uptown. The hardest part of all this is forgiving myself for being so vulnerable and forgiving. I don’t react if I see him I ignore him, as that is what he wants. The longer I am away from him the better I feel, they are like some sort of sickness, and when your around them they project it. He reminds me of a reptilian they are so ugly inside. I will soldier on :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • ellie2013

      I like that, soldier on! :) Goes to show family, be it estranged or not, can not even be loyal to one another when it comes the the N charms. How can we ever expect women to be real friends to other women when even member of the same family can not? Something is drastically wrong with the entire picture……..

      Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Tigerlilly, Welcome and I am so sorry you have had to endure this, bad enough to have been put through the wringer by an N but then for your aunt to not have more empathy and respect than to go with him. My sympathies go out to you! But she will not be happy in the long run, he has obviously told her a bunch of bull shit that she is swallowing right now. I would love to be a fly on the wall or be able to read her mind the first time he shows his true colours. she is in for a huge harsh awakening. By that time you will be healed and it will be far behind you and won’t care.
      How a family member can do that to her niece is beyond me.
      You are not the first person to describe them as a reptile, it is something in the eyes. People say they have a reptilian stare. I don’t recall it being reptilian but there was always something creepy about his eyes. I hated to look at him without his glasses on.
      He said he was all but blind without his glasses yet when he was in Sudan all the pics of him he didn’t have his glasses on. I always wondered about that. he was being a real reptile when he was there, maybe he took on a whole different persona.
      Creepy is all I know
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • bridget

    Hi Carrie,
    After reading and following all the advice on various forums, I slipped up. I-ve attracted 2 Narcs and was strict NC with both of them. Then I bumped into a mutual friend of the first one who I havent seen for ages a couple of days ago, was feeling a bit bored after the holidays and said I would meet him in the square for a drink which I haven-t been doing as Narc 1 tends to turn up and I keep away from him. Anyway I figured it would be ok, then Narc 1 presents himself while I was talking to a friend and starts blathering on about not seeing me around for ages and will I be around this eve. I stupidly said yes and turned up for a drink with the group whereupon he started touching my face in front of his new woman who I had vaguely heard about. It was classic triangulation / he is very happy with her and in love supposedly and she looks pretty strong and masculine and appears to have him under her thumb. He obviously got his ego boost from setting up the situation and I should have been much more on the ball. I think it was a mixture of boredom, a desire to be normal and able to go out again which made me lower my defences. I flinched and pulled a face but I shouldnt have allowed myself anyway near him as I know he thrives on these set ups. He does appear much more settled with this women and happy so maybe he isn-t the Narc I think he is and she is the one. He is certainly enjoying his new role whatever the case. Yes, they make you doubt yourself even when you know better.

    Like

  • Liselotte

    Dear Bridget,
    Don’t doubt yourself. Narcs don’t understand “normal”. They don’t understand being treated respectfully and lovingly. They see that as a weakness. What they understand is either being in charge and putting others down or being dominated and knowing their place. My ex Narc had also been in a long term relationship with a very domineering woman whom he needed for security. Basically, he is a very insecure, immature person who despite being over 60 has never grown up. Before me he had always hooked up with older women who could give him economic safety. He would hop through every hoop they held up for him. And outwardly they looked like the perfect couple. You should see the pictures of the two together. And sooner or later they all dumped him. The ones HE dumped were the ones who cared for him in a “normal” way. They don’t value that. It means nothing to them. Mutuality is not in their vocabulary.

    Like

  • bridget

    Thanks Carrie, i know this at a head level but Im a little bit shakey at the moment for a variety of reasons and of course that is when they pounce. He in fact has just turned up with some money he owned me which I need so I took it. He is obviously a bit peeved Im not more upset i think but i really cant be bothered and i dont care. He said his girlfriend was a good girl and that he was happy with her and i said that=s good, He then proceeded to ask me about my every move over the weekend etc. I basically told him a load of lies/ that i wont be here etc. Hes obviously just trying to get the final punch into my self esteem but Im really passed it. I just need to get away from it now and let things settle dowm. I have been making good progress, meeting better people and getting my life back on track. Also my family have just been great so I will continue on that path. Thx for your help, Carrie.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Bridget I think you mistook Liselotte’s reply for mine but she did give good advice.
    What you both have to realize is there is NO good woman for a narcissist and as much as he can ACT like she is perfect for him to the outside world he has not changed and she is not happy.
    it is all an act, he is acting and she is acting and then of course you are acting.
    The truth of the situation is this: she has something he needs, he pretends to be what she needs in order to get the thing he wants. It doesn’t take long before he starts treating her like shit because even though he gets say money from her when he is nice to her, if he can make her feel insecure, like she might lose him; he will get more!
    By staging an accidental meeting of the new woman and the ex, he automatically sets it up for her to feel insecure, thus she is going to act like she is extremely happy with him because she wants you to feel insecure and for you to know he is hers now. He is going to stroke your face to show her he could go back to you yet he wants to show you that you will have to work harder to get him back and she is happy with him so there must be something wrong with you.
    She is more apt to open up the purse strings if she feels threatened, even if it is subconscious and she doesn’t know why she is doing it, she will feel an uncontrollable urge to secure his affections any way she can.
    James used to think that by making me jealous I would try harder to please him and as much as I told him I never compete for a man and as much as I told myself I would not fall for his ploy, I felt myself doing it anyway. it is human nature, it was almost impossible not to,because it is in your mind and everything you do is done with this in the back of your mind.
    When James met this new woman his step dad and I were talking (it was after this conversation I told his step dad I didn’t want to hear about James any more and we have never discussed him again, much to his step dad’s credit he respected my wishes and now just calls to see how I am doing) anyway, he was laughing because this new woman wore the pants in the household and had put James on an allowance, James was giving her his whole paycheque and she was paying his bills etc and getting his finances in order. The step dad was so pleased because now he was going to get the money back that James had borrowed years prior. I didn’t want to get into slagging James with his own family so I said, “I suppose that is possible but I would be surprised, only time will time I guess.”

    I thought maybe she is stronger than me, maybe that is what he needed, someone tougher, maybe she does rule the roost and will whip him into shape. But I never wanted to control anyone, I never wanted to change anyone and I raised my son I don’t want to raise a full grown man and I never had the money to buy a man or pay for a man to stay with me so I knew it made no difference as far as James as I were concerned, it didn’t change what he and I had and I could have never been like her anyway.

    But the payments to his step dad stopped after one and he lost 6 jobs in the first year they were together and last year she sold her home and security, moved 9 hours away from her family and support system and James still projects how happy he is with her and she is the woman of his dreams to anyone who might get that message back to me but I really doubt she is very happy. In fact I would bet every dime I will ever make that she is insecure, miserable, stressed, and doing a lot of crying these days. In his own blog he is bitching because she wants him to come in for supper and watch TV with her and go to bed with her. and all I wanted was for him to sleep with me 3 nights a week. So she is not happy, but do you want to guess how she would act if we were to run into each other? She sure the hell wouldn’t let on that every thing isn’t perfect and neither would he but he WOULD casually mention how I understood him better than any other woman or brag about something I did that she doesn’t do, not to make her feel bad mind you, just because he is such a sensitive guy you know, he can’t help but remember the good times.

    After we split and his ex died he came to me and told me she had died, like it was anything to me, I didn’t know her. He was crying and then he looked at me with this look like that cat that ate the canary and said with a smile, “She sure hated you!” I was shocked, like i said, I didn’t know her and said that to james. Why would she hate me? He said, “Well, because I was so happy with you.”
    I said, “You were?”
    He said, “Yeah…..”
    I said, “You could have fooled me.”
    He said, “We were together 10 years.”

    Then it hit me. Him and her had been together about 10 years and I bet he stayed with me to drive her crazy thinking he must be happy with me because we stayed together longer than with her. That is how sick they are. Who would stay with someone 10 years just to prove a point and to make someone else suffer? Only a narcissist because they don’t have feelings and it doesn’t matter who they are with, they are going to screw around and do as they please anyway and if the woman dumps them they just refuse to leave or suck hole for a while and get the woman back but it is never wonderful ever again once he has her hooked. Most women do not leave of their own accord, usually they are dumped by the N or driven out.

    I will probably never find out what happens between M and James but you can bet he plans on staying with her long enough to get her money and to make me think she is better than me. he would stay with her 10 years and one month to accomplish it. Not that he won’t screw around on her. If by chance he met some other woman who had more to offer than her it would be worth it to him to leave M for the new woman but unless he meets someone with more he will stick it out with M.
    So, just get yourself back on course, go back to no0 contact and forgive yourself for a little stumble on the path to recovery. We all do it, make a slight err of judgement and we usually are reminded very quickly why we were no contact to begin with.
    Face forward, don’t look back, don’t let the bastard mess with your head.
    Hugs’ Carrie

    Like

  • bridget

    Thanks, Carrie / spot on and so helpful to read this / it all makes perfect sense. Thank you Liselotte as well/ very helpful reply. What pains and nuisances they are. Back to the straight and narrow!! Hugs, Bridget

    Like

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