Who Does A Narcissist Target?

The popular opinion that narcissists target weak, desperate women/men is false.

Narcissists are looking to feed their ego, consequently they search for attractive women/men that would be considered by others to be a real “prize”, or “trophy”. He has no respect for weakness and no interest in someone just “anyone” could get. Someone desperate might provide temporary NS until someone worthy of his attention comes along, but they will be tossed aside quickly as soon as he does.

The narcissist must believe other people are envious of his ability to get a “quality” partner. Consequently, this is why they come on so strong in the beginning; they provide their target with romance like nothing they have ever experienced before and why so many victims say he seemed “too good to be true”.

Once the narcissist picks his target he will stop at nothing and do anything to make her his. The bigger the challenge, the harder he works and bigger narcissistic supply when he succeeds.

The ultimate ego boost is to make a totally independent, self sufficient, strong woman dependent solely on him. Once he has her he immediately starts to subtly whittle away at her confidence. If she dumps him it only challenges him to try harder; every time he can convince her to take him back or accept one of his lies is another shot of NS.

There is no way of predicting who a narcissist will target,  men in my
life had criticized me for being too independent. When I met JC, he seemed so sincere and I remember thinking he loved me more than I loved him, I trusted him explicitly and I made a conscious decision to finally let a man into my life and allow myself to be vulnerable. You hear about whirlwind romances, people who find the love of their life and just “know” he’s the one. I thought I had found “the one”.By the time I realized he had made me totally dependent on him by sabotaging my vehicle, isolating me from family and friends and subtle manipulation I was in too deep.

I remember the first time that I realized I was in over my head; he was rejecting me for some perceived wrong I had done and I was feeling like I had as a child with my father. I told him he reminded me of my father and he had said, “you think your dad was bad? You haven’t seen anything yet, I can be 10 times worse than your father”. The look on his face and chill that went down my spine told me he was right and I knew I was in trouble. It took 8 more years before he was through with me.

To be honest, and I am ashamed to admit; I don’t think I could have left him if he hadn’t found another target.

My son and I were talking about it just yesterday. What made it so hard for my son to understand was that his whole life he had grown up watching me be strong and not take any shit from any man and all of a sudden I was putting up with worse treatment than anything any one had ever seen. No one could believe I wasn’t kicking him to the curb.

But it takes special training to tolerate that kind of abuse and I had a lot of training as a child in stifling my emotions and walking on eggshells. And JC was right; he was way worse than my dad.

21 thoughts on “Who Does A Narcissist Target?

  1. Yuline

    This is so true. I used to think that narcissistic people targeted me because they viewed me as weak and easy but I’ve come to realize it’s quite the opposite. They target me of others because they see me as a challenge and as intimidating and more than themselves so they try hard to bring me down. Makes so much sense, they want something to feel good about so the more challenging the victim the better the reward or the better they feel about themselves, they are just sad people with incredibly low esteem that want to be as their target so the harass them. Narcissist are sick in the head but not stupid, they know exactly what they’re doing. Dont ever trust them, they’re not worthy and they know it deep down but need to cover it up with self pity and excuses.


    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      You have them figured out for sure. They will stop at nothing to bring their target down either. They aren’t happy until they destroy every aspect of your life. Pure evil and intelligent what a deadly combination.


    2. ladywithatruck Post author

      Yuline, thank you for commenting. I could write the exact reply to you thst’s I just typed to Pam. Of course they go after strong independent women because it is such a boost to their ego if they can “break” them and make them dependent on them. That’s why they go after married women so often. Plus they come on as this great guy who wants to take care of them, i have heard so many women say that at first they weren’t really that attracted to the N and made a conscious decision to let a man pamper them for a change. I remember thinking that he cared for me more then I did for him but I thought I’ve always veena so independent I have passed up some really good guys and I chose to let my guard down and let a man take care of me a little. That’s why they come on so strong and loving at first, it puts the victim at ease because they think the N loves them so much they are safe with them.

      Unfortunately I found love letters my N wrote to other women and every one of them were the same; he loved them so much and could wait for them; someday they would realize how much he loved them and he’d be waiting. He just wanted to give them the stability of true love, he had never loved anyone like he loves them yada yada yada.

      They throw the bait out there, always several women on the line at once and then when one takes the bait hook line and sinker he drops the other ones and reels her in. Once he has her securely caught he goes back to tolling. Repeat as necessary.

      Thanks for sharing
      Come back and let us know how you are doing, ok?


      1. Pam Woodson

        Early on in our relationship I had a conversation with a friend where I was saying that I felt kind of bad that Mike (my N) seemed too in love! I hadn’t been in lopsided relationship like it since by younger days! She told me that her mother always said that it’s better to have a man that cared for you more that you cared for him. Just like you mentioned, I decided to let someone spoil me for a change and he did! The year before had been a bad year in my life. My sister had died then my marriage had broken up but I was getting back on track. I somehow thought that meeting him was a reward or something (silly me). Yes, I loved the flowers, dinners and gifts, at first, but I’m a little too practical and it didn’t take long before I asked him not to waste money on frivolous things. In my eyes it was absurd to be wearing expensive jewelry when, in truth, I was poor & barely getting by, myself. I’m a homebody and my idea of a nice weekend is working in the yard and doing home improvement projects. I liked cooking a nice dinner instead of going out. He was always suggesting elaborate trips for us, like he was dangling a carrot, trying to tempt me but I’m not a traveler and, besides, I have a daughter,pets and work and I couldn’t take off at the drop of a hat like he could. I wanted a decent home life and not a fantasy life. Eventually, I saw what he was doing but I kept hoping that things would change. At the beginning he promised a home together and marriage but it never happened.


      2. Diane Maltese

        I too was in a narcissistic relationship for 7 months. I met “Al” on POF. He contacted me and we started a pen pal relationship despite me wanting a real relationship. At first he was charming, very sexual in his conversations with me, but I took it as a compliment. I hadn’t dated much since my divorce because to tell you the truth I didn’t like or trusted men. We exchanged e mail addresses and FB accounts and texted, texted, and more texted but he never asked me out for a date. When I finally asked to meet him in person and invited him over to my house, he balked at the idea. He wanted me to come over to his house to meet him! I didn’t and he finally came over to my house I guess expecting sex even though I told him it wasn’t going to happen. We casually talked some and before I knew it he was all over me, forcing me to touch his penis! I told him to stop but he didn’t listen and I got scared. If it wasn’t for my pit bull dog growling at him, I think he might have raped me. Did that stop me from talking to him? Hell no! I blasted him out on POF and told him he was no “great Southern gentleman” that he claimed he was on his profile. He gave me a half assed apology but put the blame on me saying I led him on! To make a long story short, I forgave him, we talked some more mostly about his family, his past jobs, how much money he used to have until his second wife took it all during the divorce. Again, he put the blame on her. What happen was during the divorce proceedings, the judge ( a female, black judge) asked him if he was going to give his soon to be his ex wife a hundred thousand dollars and he said “Fuck no, you stupid bitch!” He was arrested for contempt of court for 90 days, and in turn lost his great paying job and his retirement. He did all this to himself, yet to this day he still blames his ex wife for taking his job and retirement! He had to move back home to his elderly mom’s house to “take care of her.” But……………..I somehow felt sorry for him and kept on talking to him. We agreed to meet at my house on a weekend but it never happened. We talked all week long about spending the weekend together, going out to dinner, and getting to know each other until he started to feel ‘sick.’ He assured me he’d be all right by the time the weekend rolled around. I even suggested we make it another weekend, but he insisted he would be well. The Friday before our ‘great date’ I again asked him if we were still on for the weekend date. Oh yes! I can’t wait! He stood me up, never called me for an explanation, Nothing! We are not twenty something year olds, but in our fifties! WTH? I couldn’t believe men still stood up women! I was very hurt and disappointed in him. Why would he do something like this to me? After all, we has soooooooooooooooo much in common from growing up in the same town, our love for horses, family, country, southern traditions, sex, music you name it we had it all. Or so I thought. I was in shock that he did this to me! Of course I tried calling his cell phone, but got no answer. What a surprise! So I started to date and sleep with another guy I met right after Al and really liked this new guy a whole lot more. Jimmy treated me like a lady, with respect, took me out all the time, drove 50 miles to see me and without complaining. My biggest regret was getting drunk with him and sleeping with him on our third date and telling Al about it. I did it to get back at Al for hurting me. Anyway, I began dating both of them actually sleeping with them, and Al still didn’t treat me as well, but he was an excellent and experience lover which I was addicted to. Jimmy treated me like gold, Al treated me like shit, but I just couldn’t leave Al. He had me hooked. After y months dating Al and not Jimmy, I finally woke up to realize Al was a narcissist. He told me more lies than Carter’s got pills. Never kept his promises to me, stood me up still, bragged about cooking dinner for me, but refused to eat with me! I never met his sons, or siblings. I was always there for him when he was sick which was often and quite frustrating. I think he was trying to turn me into his personal care giver and sex slave. He was never affectionate towards me, wouldn’t even hold my hand out in public, when and if he did take me out to eat, it was always where he wanted to go and then acted like he wished I wasn’t there! Flirted with strange women at the stores in front of me, never told me I was attractive or sexy, but would comment to other women in front of me. He was one strange dude! Well what goes around, comes around cause now he has cancer of the throat and may not have long to live. I broke up with him finally for the last time On Thanksgiving of this year. Again, he stood me up and left me alone on Thanksgiving Day. I don’t feel sorry for him anymore, he did this to himself. I hear that he has a new girlfriend now. Good luck sweetie! Have fun in believing all his lies! I’m finally free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  2. Pam Woodson

    Wow! You really hit the nail on the head! So many things that I read, on narcissists fits but a lot doesn’t. I always felt, in my situation, that my N did pick me because I was weak but, actually, I was pretty strong at that point. I had gone back to school and was feeling pretty confidant. Gotta say though, I wasn’t COMPLETELY strong. I was testing my boundaries and TRYING to be strong. Did he “just” misread my situation? I don’t know. I tend to think that it was a combo of both. Someone feisty and confident that thought “she” had everything figured out and yet HE could see that I didn’t. Anyway, I will read and reread your post for strength. Love it!


    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Pam, thankyou very much for thinking I nailed this post. I am glad you can draw some strength from it.

      When you think about it; who on this earth doesn’t have some area of weakness? Whether it is a lousy childhood, a divorce, loss of a loved one, ……something. Very few people make it to adulthood without being scarred somehow and the narcissist will zero in on that weakness and gain control of their victim through subtle manipulation of their weakness. They are very stealth. Of course not everyone will fall into their web of deceit and manipulation, an uncaring person or someone too self centred wouldn’t be attractive to the N; my mother always says she wouldn’t get sucked in by one, no one can say that but I doubt an N would be attracted to her because she is very focussed on having her needs met and that is too much work for a narcissist.

      Some people view being a kind, giving, loyal person as being a weak person but I see those as admirable qualities in a person and wouldn’t want to be any other way. Victims of abuse have to be very strong people to survive it. It takes strength to withstand thwarting kind of abuse they dish out and still love the person, still remain faithful, hopeful and not give up on the person they believe they fell in love with. It is much easier to walk away the first sign of trouble.

      They are the weak ones, they are the ones who need their ego stroked constantly, who don’t have the strength to say no to temptation, who must have immediate gratification. Love takes strength, honesty takes strength, trust takes strength and they are incapable of any of those things so when you look at it that way; who is the weak one?

      So many times the victim comes away feeling ashamed that they got “tricked” and society likes to blame the victim just like the N did, we are strong enough we can admit our faults and after enough abuse yes, we do weaken but we didn’t start out that was. The victims should be applauded for their strength. They should hold their heads high and know thst’s no matter what their love was real and they loved well; just because the N is unable to love does not diminish the love you felt or gave.

      Wishing you peace and love, cut the N from your life and you will find peace follows with te.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ellie ( Elaine )

        Oh Carrie!

        Was so glad to see you respond to a post! Hope you are feeling better and warmer. :) I was so excited to see this when I logged on this morning “BLOG STATS
        99,524 hits” YOU are almost at 100.000! What an accomplishment! Don’t ever doubt that your experiences have touched and made a difference to so many. I know they do to me. This blog is like a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. YOU did that :)

        Thank you so much.


        1. ladywithatruck Post author

          Ellie, you made me cry! thank you! You all mean so much to me. Even though I didn’t have time to post I had to come in and see how everyone was doing.
          I can’t believe it either, over 100,000 now, it boggles my mind. All I did was pour out my pain and hurt because I couldn’t contain it any more and I was able to heal and help others do the same. For the first time in like 10 years I really feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn’t just the train.


  3. BarbieNKen

    This blog has been helpful to me in a number of ways. Perhaps I don’t completely understand the N and the women targeted (i.e. me). I find it ironic that “we” victims feel that we are weak and, therefore, good targets for an N on the prowl. However, it seems the N really looks for a strong woman, preferably with a complicated story. Why?? Is it to feed off of our strength? Or to devalue, demoralize, and punish us?

    I’m fairly certain I’ve been trapped by an N (not 100%). If an N wants someone who is worthy/above, etc…, then why get angry with me when I am humble and de-emphasize my traits? Indeed, he has yelled at me because he thinks I’m “self-depracating”. I’m being honest or humble, but he gets mad at me! Hmmm…meanwhile, when he is in a snit, he will verbally tear me to shreds!! I’m an awful this, I’m a that, I’m ruining everything, if not for him, this relationship would…. Oh, boy. At this point, I tell him that he is right. He should move onto a better girlfriend. Silence…then, 12 hours or so later, he sends meaningless texts. Never an apology (only I need to apologize). Thoughts? Help?!? Thank you.


  4. Catalyseur Paracambio

    I would love to hear your advice and wisdom on a twist I have to find in any information resources: library, internet, professionals, etc. The n I survived through was “mums”. The issue IS NOT her. My issue or energy is around how family and others support her in her abuse.

    The question; why (how) does the N get others to comply in this abuse, even when the target is openly fighting back, not complying.

    Please don’t provide the bystander syndrome stuff. Thank you. I often wonder if there isn’t a group psychosis going on with soooo many participating in this abuse. I’ve seen it is many environments and also used as a form of control to make sure “certain” people are kept in place.

    Thank you for your advise and wisdom.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      <strongIt is quite common for a Narcissist to convince family, friends (even hers), church members, the authorities and many have succeeded in turning the children against the victim, and gotten custody of the children by influencing the judge it is not unheard of that they get the victim coomitted to a mental institution.
      How they do it is very slowly get the observers on their side. They play the helpless victim twisting the facts so that SHE is the one torturing him and he loves her so much and doesn’t want to leave her or talk behind her back but doesn’t know what to do.
      My ex turned many people against me. He made my son his confident and complained about having to spend a $1000 a month on my booze. My son came to me right away and told me and didn’t believe it. Same as his own sister, he had her convinced I was.a psycho bitch and he was living a life in hell because I took all his money (he had a quickbooks program to back his claims). They reveal just enough of their own faults to make the person believe they are telling the truth about e anything. They say things like,”I know its my own fault because I should be more of a man and stand up to her.” I shouldn’t have let her get to me, I should have walked away, I never should have hit her no matter what she did, I feel so guilty.”
      With his sister, she confronted me on it and I addressed every one of her issues. She said JC told her I left to go see my son and left him with no money. I told her he had had over $400, then she remembered he had taken her and gone for groceries and booze. But had she not lived with us for a couple of months she would have believed his lies. When I told her yes he did give me his whole cheque, he also gave me a list of errands to run and he got the. Change. But all his records showed was he gave me over a thousand dollars and my records were bogus.
      Once she lived with us for awhile and he thought he had her on his side the more his mask slipped until she was a nervous wreck from his lies and manipulation.
      With the police he would call before I even had a nervous chance and tell them I was a psycho bitch and he was just defending himself. We were in a gated community and he would meet them at the gate and he by the time they got to me they were telling me not to start anything. He called the police on my son for uttering threats, the cop refused to press charges but JC just wanted to start a history. He knew he was going to end up hitting me and Kris and him would end up fighting and he was setting up his defense years before it actually happened. Anything the victim tells him about any family riff he will use against her. If she has a quick temper he will give that “knowing look, conspiratory look” and say, you know what I mean; she can really fly off the handle. It is the truth but out of context.
      Either the victims family disown her for staying with him or they take his side. Besides, she always goes back so it can’t be that bad.
      Does that answer your question?


  5. Eyes Opened

    The ex N and I had worked at the same place on the same campaign together. I wasnt immediately attracted to him, but over time he’d won me over as a friend. a year later we decided to take the romantic path. He’d ask me if I see love in his eyes. I told him I just saw the light reflecting from his eyes. He said in every relationship one person loves the other more. He said the last relationship he had, his love had changed but was unconditional. He wasn’t “in love” and it had been a while since he had such a strong connection with someone. The romance was magical, was casted under his spell.. He’d ask for money to borrow and did pay back some, not too alarmed at that point. Then we decided to live together, He would find what I was lookin for and I would usually be the backing. He never contributed half for anything..Took him six mths to move in all his stuff. told him I would live him and his tears and promises to make thins better drew me back in. Sex was used as a weapon to keep me blind.. Then I started to ask about his actions, like the late nights or why hadnt he paid his half of the rent or why some of his stories seem untrue…..he lacked empathy, I just wanted things back to the way they were..

    Finally I had had enough,I found out he was with other women. I tracked dwn two and hathed a plan with one of them to confront him. He was cold and calculating. I saw first hand just how manipulative he was as he wooed the other woman in front of me because I had kicked him to the cur.b.. A true folie a deux. Feel sorry for her.. He never apologized. My recovery time was short. I took the time to secure my family and get away from him. I am awaiting the smear campaign and other possible revenge tactics…hopefully he will just go away, but that would be just too easy….but I ‘ll move on; where he can not.. I know I have won in the process…..

    The other woman chose to keep him, poor thing; he is only using her until his next fix….glad to be free from crazy!


  6. Pingback: Who Does A Narcissist Target? | Protective Mothers' Alliance International: The Guardian of Truth Blog

  7. Pew pew

    My story is strange yet, rather different from all of yours; still similar. I was fortunate never to meet my N ex in real life. Yet still it kind of hurts. I met him off a game by joining a group of his to play games with. At that time he was a week into his relationship with his ex, and well I was married. I was with his group for about 6 months when one day, he pulled me aside and asked me to be his girlfriend. My marriage was at a rocky point. My husband and I had and still have very different views. He isn’t a bad guy by all means but, we just are two different people. He is more of a solo type which unfortunately hurts/leaves me out of things. We were friends before, and honestly should have just stayed friends. So, thinking the relationship would probably not go far nor last more than a week, I said yes. I figured it would not be serious. He was still with his ex gf, and I my husband. About a month later, he got her cheating on him (at least finally had proof) and dumped her. Out of both shock and feeling as if I were important, I was in awe that he decided to claim me as his woman.

    Of course I stayed married and didn’t break it off with my husband yet. I never met this man in person so I couldn’t really say he was “the one”. (By this time my husband and I were never spending anytime together. He wanted to play his own games or pursue hobbies alone). This man came off strong and in all honesty, I took it as “something just isn’t right”. I’m not sure how he did it, but he slowly worked down my instincts that told me to run. It was probably me saying it wouldn’t last long but then him going passed the length of time I expected him to give up or become immature; changed my mind.

    I had some down time waiting for transferring to a different school to pursue my degree; during our relationship. He had claimed me as his “right hand woman” and I was to run everything in the group we played with. I was to keep people busy and take over in his absence. To my surprise he was absent for most of the time. He dumped all these tasks on my shoulders. I didn’t mind doing the tasks because there was nothing better to do at the time. To my disappointment he would only come on to do more tasks. It was all work and never an “us” moment. One day, after a fall out with pointless drama among the group we played with, it started to crumble on its own. My N ex and I swapped games and left it. That’s when we started trying to build a new group up.

    With this new group, he had ridiculous standards for the people we would recruit to play with us. Near impossible was to get people to join, and it all fell on my shoulders alone; no help from him nor anyone. He started to log on less and less. He told me he missed looking at these pixilated women off the old game. I have no idea why I didn’t go berserk about that. I simply replied calmly to him and tried to analyze why. Throughout our relationship he had flirted or cheated on me with another girl via text. They never met either. His claim was to make her loyal to him and that it never went far. He actually called me twice, begged, and tried to explain.

    Then he told his ex that I was convenient and that he just didn’t want to be alone. When I confronted him about that, he ignored me for 3 days. His reasoning, he was trying to say whatever to get her to go away. After that point I noticed our relationship started to fade. He added all these new people to his Facebook. He started logging on less and less. The part that was really upsetting was when I wrote him a love letter to make him feel special. He claimed he was asleep for 3 days. Then he claimed someone stole his mail and he never got it. I don’t really know what to think about that.

    Finally, he got some inflammatory testicular illness. I forget the name but, it’s more common in children by not being careful when they pee and urine back flowing. In adults, STD’s are the more common culprit. He was sick for weeks. He was hardly talking to me then. But, two weeks later our conversations just… stopped. A week goes by; I told him it’s alright if he wasn’t interested in the relationship more. I wouldn’t mind just being friends. He told me, “Sweetie I would never leave you”. I told him okay and just I’m not really digging the silence. He said he was just busy. Later I was just fed up and irritated trying to keep the standards he set down for the recruiting going. It took too much time with little to no result; especially alone. I texted him saying I couldn’t do it alone. He texted me telling me’ “Well soon, I will finally be able to come and see you.”

    I was shocked, excited, but at the same time let down; in the back of my mind. He stated this once before but at the beginning of our relationship. He claimed he became too busy before. So this time, I asked him when. He said he didn’t know but, soon. Alright another two weeks go by of just silence. I asked him in a text one day, “Is something wrong?”. He wrote “Not you.”. I texted him, “What is it?”. Nothing. Finally, two days later of silence, I wrote to him one more time. I told him, since he was not speaking to me, I see that as he just wants to be left alone or doesn’t want me around. I told him since he was not speaking to me I could not be able to be there for him. I told him I hope he felt better and I’d see him around/later.

    Since then, I have never heard a word from him. It was four months ago. He left me alone on that other game, never came back on. Only his little cousin every so often but then, silently logged off. He removed me as a friend from our old game, a few weeks before I just let him be. Claimed he was giving his account to his cousin. His brother and friend talked to me until two months after I stopped trying to talk to my N ex. I never brought up his name to them, just continued on like nothing was wrong in my life (without mentioning my ex of course).

    His friend use to like me by the way. I saw his friend more as a brother. I’m not sure why his friend stopped talking to me. His brother, I guess I could see why; though I never trashed talked or was mean to either about him nor them. I told his brother once I wasn’t sure why but my N ex wasn’t talking to me. I was a bit down about it too. That was the two weeks before hand. When I put two and two together, I figured out he was up to something and just let it go/him go.

    It’s been four months. Off and on he enters my mind, and so do they. I had nightmares at the beginning of the ended relationship. I never officially said it was over but, I never contacted him again. I deleted his number. With this time passed with no word; safe to assume we are done. I’m not sure why I sometimes still hold on. Was it the hopes of meeting him? The loss of friends? Or the feeling he thought I was not worthy enough to talk to? We hardly fought; another thing that troubled me. I never made him completely enrage (he supposedly has anger issues). I was hardly on his bad side yet… He let me go. I don’t mean to sound self-centered but, comparing myself to other girls he had… I was the only one who could offer him the most. I was neither bad looking. I breathed life into his gaming group. Before, they were cold and never talkative. I was committed; I was and still am strong. I’m not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I was dedicated and driven. I was pushing to succeed… In his name. (In real life I’m still driven too. Just how I am)

    I just don’t really understand why I’m still in limbo. I know he’s not worth sorrow but yet, I feel it. I know I’d never want to be with him again, yet I miss it. I am thankful I never met him in person and got an STD (he claims to have slept with many women). Yet, I’m regretful he never met me. My emotions are split in half. After researching and trying to find answers, the closest thing to his actions seemed like narcissism. After trying to understand their level of thinking, that still left me without answer. In my opinion I was not used up, I was strong, and I still had courage to joke with him. He’d only get upset if I mentioned my husband (who I was willing to leave; not just for him. Like I mentioned before, I have no hate for my husband. He and I just have different relationship views/values.) I never complained to him about his lack of contact/calls. Only when he made promises finally to me; and never came true at the very end. I just said, “Please don’t make a promise you plan never to keep.”. I could only see that as a set off. But, he simply said alright he wouldn’t.

    I guess I’m more curious if this was an act of mercy or was simply a play all along. I was the most useful to him in that part of his world. I brought him results. I just don’t understand how he could drop my usefulness; no one else was willing to go the mile. I didn’t see myself as withered and drained as others say they were; after dealing with an N ex. I was hurt a few times but never severely scarred. The relationship was still in the process of taking off. I read narcissists drain their supplies but… I don’t think he ever drained me. I’m just confused. Was I to stable? To unresponsive to efforts of drama? Was he trying to spare me? We are still friends on skype and facebook. (so are his friend and brother) That’s it of course.
    Again, I don’t mean to sound better or something. I’m 22 and he’s 20. Most people our age are still very immature and not doing much with themselves. He ever hangs out with immature people and hasn’t even gotten a high school diploma or GED. I’m trying to get a bachelor degree but, working up that latter. We stopped talking right after school started again.


  8. I Want Out

    Hello all. I am so glad to have to found this blog because it’s comforting to know that I am not alone in the battle to survive and reclaim what used to be MY Life. I will try to keep this short because I have 6 years of nothing but torment to report. Let me first start by stating that I am 36 years old, a mother of 3 children ages 13, 5, and 4; the 2 younger children are his, am married to a N who is by the way a Pastor, so he calls himself. AND I am miserable as all Hell. I have been married for almost 6 years and I have kept a journal since day one and have recently read some of my entries. It’s hard for me to embrace the fact that he had it out for me from the beginning and I was a fool to surrender all of me to him.

    When I met my husband I was exiting a bad relationship and had decided that I had had enough of emotional roller coaster rides from choosing the wrong men. I had enrolled in a nearby secondary college to pursue a degree in compute science and then relocate to another state to begin a new chapter in my life. That WAS the plan and was going well until Mr. Preacher walked into my Wednesday night computer lab. That evening he arrived late to the very first class and scanned the room for an empty seat. I first noticed his good looks and his sense of humor and as he was walking toward my direction I said to myself, “please don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me.” It just so happened to be one available seat next me and one facing the wall, which no one else wanted. I immediately searched to see if he was wearing a wedding band. The reason I did so was so that I could set a boundary up front. He was very social with every one in the class and we called him the class clown. Never did I sense any inappropriate behavior towards me to give me any reason to believe he was interested in me. I’ll say at least 1 month into the course he asked if he could walk me to my car after class; I said yes. We would stand and talk forever. Keep in mind I was still in a bad relationship trying to determine how and when to leave.

    Mr. Preacher was a very handsome man who knew a lot about computers. We ended up having all the same classes for that semester. It was a little while before I gave him my phone number and even after I did, he was not calling me like a crazed maniac. His approach was very subtle and we became really good friends fast. It wasn’t too long before we were showing interest in one another but still I had some hesitation. Mr. Preacher turned into the man of my dreams. He gave me every-thing and took me everywhere, weekend trips away to places I would have only dreamed of going to, shopping sprees, you name it. He would listen to me complain about things and offered a warm and caring response every time. I had never experienced such heart from a man like this EVER. We were inseparable and after almost 4 months of dating he asked me to marry him and I accepted. My mother did not approve and neither did my Pastor at the time. My Pastor had actually heard from the Lord about him and told me to reconsider but I jumped in head first. I found out that he was married but separated and his wife lived in California. I immediately confronted him about that and he resolved that immediately. I was with him when he signed the divorce papers and went to the Post Office with him to send them off. He did not want to wait for me to plan the wedding of my dreams and 6 month after dating we hopped on a plan and flew to California to marry at a chapel in Reno NV. I had always wanted to go to California and while there he found a need to drive me to the apartment where they used to live together. He sat there and stared off into space for almost 10 minutes. I really did not like that. So what where they used to live!

    We drove to Reno, had our wedding at the chapel, just the two of us. We really did have a great time. I was the happiest women in the universe. I was finally a man’s wife. What I came to find out recently is that his divorce with his ex wife was finalized on the same day we got married and we were married in the same exact chapel they were married in. I paid for the ceremony and photo/video. He paid for the airfare, hotels, rental cars and food. Our honeymoon in California was to me a dream come true but as soon as we returned home to tell our family the flood gates of hell busted wide open; I was officially his claimed property. He stopped me from celebrating holidays, wearing make-up, going to worship services at my church. I had to quit the ministry I was serving in at the time because he disapproved. He was not an actual Pastor himself at this time but had ambitions of becoming one. He became verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically abusive. Yes I am a victim of domestic violence and have never been before. He had me co-sign on a lot of installment loans for him and the for the church he is now the Pastor of. What’s even worse if that he talked me into refinancing my home taking $19,000 of equity out of my home to finance the church. I am way over my head in debt. His other goal was to make sure I stayed barefoot and pregnant that’s why our 2 children are so close in age and had I not lied about getting on birth control after our 2nd child was born I would probably have 5 children all together right now. He was outraged when he found out that I was on birth control because it is against the Bible teachings. I had complications with all of my pregnancies that resulted in 2 severely premature births. The doctor told him it is not good to get me pregnant back to back like that and suggested I not have any more children. Mr. Preacher did not care about my health and wasn’t hearing it. I recently suffered a miscarriage in June of this year and had my tubes tied anyway, not asking for his consent. My husband uses the Bible to manipulate people and to justify his mistreatment of me and others. To make matters even worse, his mother passed away this year and he did not have one kind word to say about her. She gave him custody of a child that she had adopted while being the child’s foster mother. This child has been living with us for 5 years making my life a living nightmare because she too suffer from some kind of mental illness. No one in the family wants to get involved to help her and the one time I contacted family services, he physically attacked me. So I have had to keep quiet about her many suicide attempts and all the other unhealthy things she has done to herself and how she threatens my children. 2 months ago I found out that he went behind my back and forged my signature on legal documents for me to adopt her. I found this out when the attorney called me asking for my relationship to her. When I confronted him about that I thought I was going to have to call the police that night because he turned into the Big Bad Wolf. Me and this child hate each other and plus she was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Mania or something like that. She cuts herself with a razor and last Christmas she tried to commit suicide. He has offered the child no help with her illness whatsoever. She is 16 and all messed up. She has cut both my younger children with a razor and had sexually assaulted my 13 year old daughter who was 7 at the time. I have been living in Hell since the day I let him sit next to me in the computer lab. I could write more but you get the picture.

    After so many years of abuse, this year I finally found the strength within to stand up for myself and stop being a victim. I told him around Memorial Day that I want a divorce. I came home one night after grocery shopping to find my son badly bruised and swollen on both his upper thighs from a belt spanking, all because he would not go to bed. I could have committed murder that day just for what my husband did to our son. I had had enough and I meant it. To date his behavior has worsened and we are at each other’s throats almost every day but I am no longer afraid of him. He refuses to get counseling blaming the marital problems on me not fulfilling my duties as a wife. I recently was laid off from my job of 15 years and am not working now but as soon as I can get on my feet I am out of here, so help me God. FUCK HIM! (I hope I did not offend any one with that comment.)


  9. runefardal

    People who is getting involved with narcissists are often people who has high tolerance for deviation and who has a lot to give. It is often people who has that extra to stand out with all the shit a narcissist can put on you.


  10. Pingback: Ladywithatruck's Blog

  11. asianmiamei

    Thank you SO SO MUCH for this. I’m only in my first week of NO CONTACT and even coming to horrible realization that there are people like this out there and that he was one of them. It’s been very hard, I go from rage at him to rage at myself for letting myself be fooled and even though I had boundaries before, I let him trample over them because he played on my empathy/compassion.
    I’ve read too many articles out there about narcissists targeting weak women as well and I know I am not! I was not when we first met, and he would often cry that “I don’t need him”- I have a better paying job, a loving family and circle of genuine friends , confidence that emanated which I realized he was slowly slowly chipping at…bringing me down to his level. But I am so proud of myself, because I followed my gut and didn’t move in with him, realized that I wasn’t happy and that he didn’t care for me and I deserve SO MUCH BETTER. I walked away. Now begins my healing…I’m already stronger and wiser for surviving this abuse, and know my self worth to not let this ever happen again. Thank you all for sharing your inspiring stories.



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