Who Does A Narcissist Target?

The popular opinion that narcissists target weak, desperate women/men is false.

Narcissists are looking to feed their ego, consequently they search for attractive women/men that would be considered by others to be a real “prize”, or “trophy”. He has no respect for weakness and no interest in someone just “anyone” could get. Someone desperate might provide temporary NS until someone worthy of his attention comes along, but they will be tossed aside quickly as soon as he does.

The narcissist must believe other people are envious of his ability to get a “quality” partner. Consequently, this is why they come on so strong in the beginning; they provide their target with romance like nothing they have ever experienced before and why so many victims say he seemed “too good to be true”.

Once the narcissist picks his target he will stop at nothing and do anything to make her his. The bigger the challenge, the harder he works and bigger narcissistic supply when he succeeds.

The ultimate ego boost is to make a totally independent, self sufficient, strong woman dependent solely on him. Once he has her he immediately starts to subtly whittle away at her confidence. If she dumps him it only challenges him to try harder; every time he can convince her to take him back or accept one of his lies is another shot of NS.

There is no way of predicting who a narcissist will target,  men in my
life had criticized me for being too independent. When I met JC, he seemed so sincere and I remember thinking he loved me more than I loved him, I trusted him explicitly and I made a conscious decision to finally let a man into my life and allow myself to be vulnerable. You hear about whirlwind romances, people who find the love of their life and just “know” he’s the one. I thought I had found “the one”.By the time I realized he had made me totally dependent on him by sabotaging my vehicle, isolating me from family and friends and subtle manipulation I was in too deep.

I remember the first time that I realized I was in over my head; he was rejecting me for some perceived wrong I had done and I was feeling like I had as a child with my father. I told him he reminded me of my father and he had said, “you think your dad was bad? You haven’t seen anything yet, I can be 10 times worse than your father”. The look on his face and chill that went down my spine told me he was right and I knew I was in trouble. It took 8 more years before he was through with me.

To be honest, and I am ashamed to admit; I don’t think I could have left him if he hadn’t found another target.

My son and I were talking about it just yesterday. What made it so hard for my son to understand was that his whole life he had grown up watching me be strong and not take any shit from any man and all of a sudden I was putting up with worse treatment than anything any one had ever seen. No one could believe I wasn’t kicking him to the curb.

But it takes special training to tolerate that kind of abuse and I had a lot of training as a child in stifling my emotions and walking on eggshells. And JC was right; he was way worse than my dad.

28 thoughts on “Who Does A Narcissist Target?

  1. dying slow EPA......

    Dying slow……..I have a narcassistic husband…..we have been together 13years now….married 4yrs…I think I did the ultimate No…No…..things have gotten so bad I feel I’m walking on eggshells every breath I take…literally. .. .


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      dying slow, you are walking on egg shells every step you take. I don’t know what the ultimate No no is but please be careful. Download my Safety plan that is offered free at the top of the blog and know that they can be very dangerous. It is for whether you are with the N, planning on leaving or have left.
      Come back and let us know how you are doing.
      You can get away and there is life after a narcissist, it is never too late.


      1. Diane Maltese

        Hi Carrie. I, too was with a narcissist for only 7 months. I broke it off with him and I’ll be damn if he hasn’t already found someone else he met on FB. It’s been only three months since I broke up with him and he’s already engaged to that woman. Of course it’s ALL my fault. I was the evil one, I am a whore, I didn’t appreciate anything he did, WTH? It was HIM that didn’t appreciate anything I did for him. I don’t know why I can’t get over him, I am disgusted with myself for not moving on even though he caused me to leave him. I never felt loved, wanted, valued, understood, or attractive to him. When we made love (or was it just sex), he wouldn’t touch or caress me the way a good lover should. Hell, he wouldn’t even kiss me! Needless to say, I felt rejected, ugly, and undesirable. But……………….he did have charm, and we did have other things in common. I am feeling very suicidal these days knowing he has moved on with a new love, and here I am lonely with no one. I feel like a loser and unloved. My life isn’t getting any better, no matter how hard I try to fix it. I’m not crazy, so please don’t tell me to get help. I know what my problem is… I attract losers like selfish narcissists and I don’t know how to stop it. I am not a young person, but someone in their late 50’s. This has been a life long struggle for me in finding that one true love. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I hate him more now for all the pain he has caused me, but I can’t stop thinking about him and all the nasty mean things he said to and about me. I can’t believe there are people out in the world like him who love to hurt innocent people like myself. I was looking for Real love, instead I got Toxic love that has left me bitter, angry, and ready to give my life up.


        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Diane please do not think the only way out is to kill yourself. There is life after a narcissist and there are good men out there and there is such a thing as a loving healthy relationship. I am not going to tell you that you are crazy, far from it. But I am going to tell you to please read some of my posts on Self Discovery, and self improvement. I am not blaming you for getting sucked in by an N but I can tell from your comment you feel having a man gives you value, you rely on men to make you feel worthy and valued. Until you can derive your self worth from within you will be doomed to repeat history. You are looking for a man who will fix it for you but the answers are right there inside you.
          It is far too much to get into in this comment and I have written so many posts on it. I will put a couple of links below but please do a search and read more on brainwashing, empaths, etc Believe me you are worth the effort! and life is amazing when you realize you have always been enough and deserve respect and to be treated right.
          There are a few to start you off.
          Come back as often as you need for moral support


      2. nellyepa

        The ultimate No…No was I married him…after being together so many years…..all along my gut was saying run for the mountains…..I thought it would get better…..


  2. girlraisedbynarcissist

    Just goes to show that you should not ignore your instincts. If you are thinking this guy couldn’t possibly be this into me, then he probably isn’t. If you are thinking this guy is blaming me for something that is not my fault, then it probably isn’t. Trust yourself. Trust in your innate ability to tell right from wrong. Stop being addicted to the rush you feel when you avoid abandonment. It’s not love.



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