How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to JC once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in JC and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

286 thoughts on “How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Rebecca, that is a problem we all have I think, our head knows the truth but our heart keeps telling us lies.
      Glad you don’t feel quite so alone, because you aren’t alone. Come often and comment as much as you like, we are here.


  1. Savannah

    Carrie, thank you. I’ve been in a relationship with a narcassist for four years. It’s been hell. He has just disgraced me yet again and I’ve chased yet again. I need to set myself free and it’s so hard. Reading your article (I’ve read many) has helped me like no other. I will get there I am determined to be happy in my life. I’m 38 and would love a child. He is younger than me and played me for so long…in the hope he would change and we would build a family together. I know now it’s all been a lie. There is so much more also, and I know he is a true narcassist and manipulator. I just have to get the person back I was, I’m a shell of my former self in so many ways


  2. Lisa

    Carrie, Thank you for this article. I just divorced a man that our marriage counselor believes is a narcissist. He was married for 32 years to the same woman, but she died in an accident. I’d known both of them for a number of years and he began calling me a few weeks after her death. I thought he just needed to talk so I tried to be supportive. After a year we married. He treated me so well while we were dating, but after the marriage it all changed. He’d painted a wonderful picture of how great things were with his first wife and I believed it because she seemed to adore him. She snuggled up to him all the time and actually seemed jealous when he talked to other women. (I think he liked it when she was jealous) He and his son moved in to my house and he became very territorial. He told me he was making X amount of money and that we would be fine financially together. That was the first lie I found out about. I paid most of the bills including their health insurance. (His first wife made a lot of money more than twice what I make so he was used to having a woman pay the bills, but he knew how much I made and what my expenses were) Let me make a long story short: he began by putting when he didn’t get his way, blew up at my 20 year old daughter and told her to leave the house that she was old enough to be on her own,(she was in college and living at home), refused to go to my sister’s house because he felt disrespected by her husband, demanded that my kids get permission from him before fishing in our pond, got in my face and said “I thought I told you they had to go through me” when I let them fish while they were over for a family get together, pinned me against the wall because he said I lied to him, refused to help do things he’d agreed to around the house when my kids would visit, bruised my arm by grabbing me when I tried to leave, pinned me down on the bed so that I couldn’t breathe and made me promise I wouldn’t leave before he let me up, texted me all night while I was away for work because I was out of town on the third anniversary of his first wife’s death when he really needed me, (told me how I was blatantly sinning by being a bad wife, said one of my kids was no longer welcome at our home and, when I left posted all kinds of bad untrue things about me on social media, refused to go to counseling after two times because he said the counselor was biased. By the way he always had an excuse for why all of these things happened.

    We’ve been divorced for 2 months, and I’m still blaming myself and wondering if it was just me. My head tells me that things were the same with his first wife and that she put up with it because they married very young and had children together. What do you think? Why do I still wonder if I could have done something different?

    By the way, I’m not what most people would consider a push over. I was on my own for 20 years after my first husband left me with 3 small children. I went to school earned a bachelor’s and master’s degee, had my own home and life. I didn’t NEED a man I WANTED one in my life. I thought that was better. Now I feel broken again.


    1. Lisa

      I should also add that I did not back him when he told my daughter to leave and she did not leave the house until she couldn’t stand being around him any longer. And there is a typo above he started out pouting when he didn’t get his way, not putting. I hate auto speller!


  3. Tim

    I stumbled on this site while finding many other helpful sites. I didn’t even notice this was strictly for women but I obviously am a man and was involved with a female narcissist for almost 2 years. Everything that I have read shows there is not one difference between a female and male narcissist especially when it comes to the outcome of the victim, what we have been through and pain that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy. With that being said, I am asking if I am allowed to post any comments beyond this one, sharing any part of my toxic relationship?


  4. Broken

    I found this article totally by accident but it was like reading a narrative of my relationship but without blinders. Funny thing is even while I was in the relationship I would think about what I would tell my best friend if she were to tell me she was being treated this way. “RUN” was always the word that came to mind, but I could never get the courage up to do so. As soon as I had made up my mind to leave, he would sense it, and give me just enough hope that things would go back to how they were at first to reel me back.

    I’ve been in this mess far too long. I’m still trying to get past it even after many, many months apart. It’s so hard to see him move on, albeit with his next ‘victim’. Yet for some reason he still seems to feel the need to contact me, rub my face in how awesome he and his life are now, and leave me feeling lower than low. Obviously he doesn’t care about my well being and his only purpose is to make himself feel better about the most important person in his life….him.

    Thank you for this blog. It’s helped me see him for what he is.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Broken, you are figuring it out and you will get there. No contact is the only way to heal because he will continue to hurt you and will always take every opportunity to bring you down as long as he can get to you.
      i finally had to accept that continued contact with him was never going to give me what i needed. I had written another long email to him explaining once again why i was so hurt etc and i thought, “what are you hoping to achieve if you send this? What have you said that you haven’t said a million times?” I knew I would get some scathing response about what a bitch i was and how great his new woman was and why would i set myself up to be hurt again/ So i didn’t send it and blocked him on every avenue i could; that is when the healing truly started. i don’t care how many times you tell yourself he is just trying to hurt me, he is doing or saying this just to make me feel bad; it works, you do feel awful, He doesn’t care about you, you don’t need to keep hearing it, you have to care about yourself enough to not let him keep hurting you.
      Big hugs


    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Broken, I know I sound like a broken record but there is only one way to heal and start to move on with your life and that is NO CONTACT. he contacts you and brings you down because he can, he enjoys it!! it feeds his ego, he loves, your. pain. period. Your pain makes him feel powerful and important, stop feeding him. Do not feed the monster. You know what you are doing by keeping in contact with him,? you are delaying his mask dropping. He needs someone ‘s pain to feel alive and all powerful, he can’t do it to the new woman yet, he is still hooking her so he uses you as his supply. Stop being his supply and he will have no choice but to let his mask slip. The sooner mask slips the sooner his true colours show and you will see that he has not changed at all and she is just one more in a long line of victims.
      And you are welcome, I am just glad that by sharing I am able to help you and others who are going through the same hell. HUgs


  5. sam

    Dear Carrie

    Everytime I feel bad about my ex Narc moving on and seemingly happy with his new girlfriend… I re-read your blog over and over again to remind me about things.

    JC sounds EXACTLY like my husband. I assume and hope that he does that to her as well. Why you might say? Yes I feel guilty and bad about wishing that on the new girl albeit she is nice and pretty decent despite him still being very much married to me…

    I wish he will never change because then he will not have done this only to me. Despite what I know to be factual that once I was his new girlfriend after he broke up with his psycho ex. You are right once I thought okay I have to be on my best behavior so as not to end up like her. I felt especially dignified that he chose to marry me right afterhis psycho ex although I always felt bad for her how she must have felt that he married thevery next girl he met after they broke up.

    True she tried to warn me very politely but I didnt believe her then because he told me then that they had issues with his parents. They didnt like her so I thought that must have strained the relationship enough to cause trouble for her. Know 10 years after being married to the guy, I realized I amnow in her place desperately warning the newgirlfriends not only as his estranged wife but as a fellow woman.

    But no one seems to believe me. They think Im making things up. How ironic is that that I am now in his ex gf once upon a time shoes.

    The cycle is exactly the same. And probably like her, it will take 3 years or less for me to hear about his troubles with his newgf.

    Thats how long it took before he started being slightly mean to me. About 6 months or so. Escalated about 2 years into the relationship. He was with his ex for 3 years until she almost committed suicide.

    I am counting down the years and months. My hubby and his new gf are at around 1 year and I wonder what it is truly like behind the scenes.

    Its true what you said because I kept all love letters he wrote me. I compared then lineby line to love letters he wrote to hismistresses over the years. I had fun looking for same sentences. WhenI say the same, I mean exactly the same. “You aremy soulmate, Ive never loved anyone like you”. “I wish I had met you sooner”. Quite frankly I was so shocked when I first noticed the same sentences.


  6. sam

    True also what you said. He does tell her I am crazy and she reports everything I say to her about him. She is alwaysvery polite as the other woman technically since I am still his wife but still it killswhatever littlesignity I have left to hear myselfbegging to be heard, to be believed.

    They seem to share so many things in common but it bothers me since for 10 years my husband never was interested in cars. Now with this new gf who loves cars, he suddenly seems to be an expert on cars. It surprises me that he completely reinvented himself. Even his outfits has changed to match her taste. Imagine a man who for 10 years was a poster boy for plaid shirts and jeans, now dresses in pastel jeggings, colored pastel chinos and crayola colored socks. He looks gay but honestly he is just tailoring himself to fit his new gfs younger hipper metrosexual world.

    I do not recognize the man I knew for 10 years. I once didnt recognize him when he called out to me in public.

    Despite only being a few years older than his new gf, being more beautiful (no malice intended) slimmer, more well dressed. I still feel like crap compared to her. Why? Because I always think what was wrong with me that he had to physically hit me all the time. While it seems he is so gentle withher.
    Even with his past mistresses cougars in fact who could not hold acandle to me, I still felt like the ugliest, most stupid girl next to them just because he said I was useless and did not deserve kindness from him.

    On these days when I feel down even after 1 year of being separated from him, your blog helps me cope- it helpsme remember that yes! maybe behind the scenes that new gf is so stressed trying to not be like me, trying to please him, trying to measure up and deep inside im sure some of my warning about his infidelities got stuck in her subconscious and im sure during quiet moments she has doubts that I may be telling the truth after all. Thank you for that.

    I warned her long ago before they even had a relationship and I sensed he was on the prowl for her…and she knew I was his wife but she pushed through despite being veryvery polite to me.

    I am glad i am not her. I do not want a life thinking where my husband is every minute of every day, of thinking will he hit me today? of begging for a little affection and kindness.

    I may not be happy being a single mom but I do feel a little sigh of relief that I can sleep peacefully at night not having to worry. I pity the new gf as Honestly during our courtship years ago, I did frequently worry what he was doing. I am sure the new gf who is more experienced than me and has been cheated on before is feeling pangs and twinges of that too.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Sam, thank you for commenting, if it is ok with you I would like to make it a stand alone post because I want to make sure everyone sees it. It is such an important and needed message all victims of a narc need to hear. They DO NOT change and he will treat the new woman just like he treated you.
      I couldn’t believe my ears when James said to me that his new girl friend was calm and rational, that he could be himself with her and didn’t have to lie to HER. Their relationship was based on honesty and trust, THEY could talk about anything. She was nothing like me.

      It was verbatim what he had said to me when we started dating. My only rely to him had been, give her 10 years and get back to me about how calm and rational she is. I know things have turned sour, I feel bad for James’s new woman, she was so much more naive than me, happily married, widowed, not too attractive and I know she thought she had hit the jackpot with James. She went in feet first, judging me, being better than me, she soaked it all up like a sponge and swallowed it hook, line and sinker. She has invested everything she had into him and I know she is going through hell by now. But I can’t help but get a little satisfaction out of that. I feel guilty for feeling that way, I know I should feel sorry for her but I needed the validation also that it wasn’t me. I wish I was a bigger person and didn’t get some satisfaction out of knowing she is going through hell just like I did; but alas I am only human.

      Isn’t it unbelievable how they morph in to a totally different person? If a person wasn’t so devastated by the relationship it would be very interesting to be a fly on the wall and see it all unfold. What a great documentary, people would be blown away if they could watch it without the narc being aware they are watching.

      If you are this far and it is only one year out you are doing very well, give yourself another year and you will be amazed at how far you will have come in that time. once the healing starts it speeds up, it’s getting over that first realization of what he is and accepting the truth that is the hardest, and no contact.

      I am so glad that you find comfort and reassurance here in my posts, that is the whole purpose of me sharing, a hope to lessen someone else’s pain.

      Big hugs and love to you


  7. RJ

    Its so refreshing to see this. Especially a current dated thread. It would have been two years in a few weeks. Instead im about one month of no contact. Initiated by a narc silent treatment period of course. I never fully saw what my relationship was. I knew it was toxic and i knew it was abusive but i always caved and went running to him because my heart believed all the lies he said and in a way he made himself appear a victim. Ive been working with a psychologist and doing a lot of research and it helps.. as much as anything can. Some days its easy.. some days its hard. I dont understand why i still think about him when he has been so cruel so many times. This silent treatment was because i wasnt going to let him have his way and he wanted a short term break i wanted permanent. When he realized i was set in my thinking he just disappeared with no word. It was that moment i realised enough was enough and i refuse to chase him and actually want nothing to do with him ever ever again. I know he will pop up eventually.. thats the day that i dread more than anything when his number (which is deleted) pops up on my phone or an email in my inbox..



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