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How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to JC once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in JC and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!
Carrie

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

About Carrie Reimer

I am a 56 year old single woman who has taken her experiences from a 10 year abusive relationship and turned them into a positive. Through my blog I share my experiences and help other women in similar circumstances find happiness and safety. There is life after a narcissist and I stand here before you as proof. Don't let the bastards get you down. View all posts by Carrie Reimer

260 responses to “How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

  • Kelli

    This is an amazing article. My ex just left me 3 weeks before we were supposed to get married. We have been together for the past 7 1/2 years. 1 1/2 of that being engaged. As much as it hurts this is the best blessing in disguise. After reading this article I now know that he is definitely a N. He left me saying he didn’t love me anymore, he wasn’t attracted to me, that our relationship lacked passion, and that he didn’t get excited to come home and see me. We’ll come to find out he had met a married woman (supposably going through a divorce) he met her a day before he left me. He has been with her ever since (last 3 weeks) and when I confronted him about it (knowing from mural friends they had already hooked up) he just sent me a very hateful message saying I was a dumbass, that they were just friends and that she was going through the same thing, and that I always thought he was cheating and I was fat and dumb pretty much summed it up. Just shows he has to bring me down and insult me because he can’t be the bad person. Looking back into our relationship it def revolved around him and what he wanted in the relationship. My weight was always a issue for him(even though he’s over weight) I was the one who had to workout and try to eat right, not him. He expected me to do all the house chores (including mowing) while he got to do whatever he wanted (hunting, fishing, playing pool in bars) I tried everything try and please him but it was never enough. He was never satisfied, just wanted more. This article has def opened my eyes to the type of person I had been with. The person I had given my heart to and accepted them for who they were, he could not do the same for me, just cut me down and always put me down on his priority list. Glad I got out of this before the wedding. Can you give some tips on how to let go? I guess he brainwashed me so much a tiny piece of me wants him to come crawling back and me be able to tell him to get lost.

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  • Andrea

    So…. are you saying they do this all on purpose? There actions are planned so that they can cause misery? Or are they just running from their own pain, acting on impulse, justifying their actions so that they never have to be accountable. Are they really planning or are they avoiding hurt and justifying? It’s so harsh to accept the reality that they are cunning and calculating.

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Andrea, I refused to believe he was that cunning with the proof right in front of my eyes. NO one wants to believe there are people that evil and cruel in the world, But that enables them to continue on their seek and destroy mission leaving a trail of broken women in their wake.
      These are the most dangerous people on the face of the earth, narcissists and psychopaths. Neither one has a conscience, no conscience, no empathy, no guilt no love. They know exactly what they do and they don’t care and yes they get ego strokes from it, plan it and enjoy it.
      They are not seeking love, they think people who love are weak and they are disgusted with them, they use other people’s emotions to manipulate them. If they think you want to save someone they will present themselves as someone who needs saving and is so appreciative of your special love and how you have turned his whole life around. Your special love saved him, no other woman ever loved him like you.
      They use people, that is how they survive in the world, they are leeches, they assess what you have that they want and then they set about conning you to give it to them. It can be respectability, sex, money, a roof, a job, a car whatever you have that they need at the time.
      They can get obsessed or infatuated with a woman during the initial throws of “getting to know each other” that time that many people confuse with love when we are all on our best behaviour and think the person is the best thing since sliced bread.
      Depending on how you look at it, yes I guess they do want women to love them but not with the intention of having a relationship, just to get the ego boost. It feeds their ego to have a woman think they are so wonderful, they know it is an act and they have no intention of staying the way they are, so that is why they try to get the woman to commit so quickly and move in together or whatever. He has to secure her quickly before she sees his real colours. He does thrive on all that attention but once he gets her all the nice stuff he does starts to wain. He knows exactly when to give the woman a few crumbs to hook her back in. Just when the woman is getting ready to walk he will do something sweet and romantic and she is filled with hope again. Slowly over time the good times get fewer and farther between until they are nonexistent and by then the victim is so damaged she is tolerating totally intolerable treatment and he has bled her dry and has been setting up her replacement. Depending on what it was he wanted from the woman he can be gone after a few dates or stick around 20 years. But after about the first year things are consistently shitty and the “good” guy appears less.
      For the first 4 years the good outweighed the bad for me and then I was so dependent on him and other things came into play and it lasted 10 years. I stayed 9 years too long in a 10 year relationship.
      But to burst your bubble, he knew exactly how the relationship was going to end and yes he planned it.
      My ex knew he was going to have to defend himself against my son and he plotted almost from day one building a case against my son long before my son ever tried to defend me. I couldn’t understand why my ex would want to cause trouble with my son, most guys would do everything to avoid hard feeling with a woman’s son but my ex set my son up. I didn’t understand it at the time but looking back I could see it so clearly.
      I can think of so many incidents where I didn’t understand why he was doing something and then the whole thing would play out and it would make sense, it was an elaborate plot.
      They use everyone, family, friends, workmates, No one is a friend to them, anyone in the N’s life is there because he can get something from them,once he gets what he wants he dumps them.Did your ex have a lot of good long term friends? most N’s don’t, not decent people as friends anyway. Because they never treat people with respect.

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  • Charlotte

    Hi i dont really now what to say sorry but ive reas someof your blog/articles and i felt you had wrote down my life suddenly things make sense abit more but it dont help the pain. You talk about old narcissists cant change but can young ones my ex is only 24. I was his first gf so I dont have snything to compare it to but like i said reading some of your stuff was like you had wrote my last 5 years down. My ex left me again 8 weeks ago and I knew it was coming because i see an attractive girl giving him attention pn social media and i even said you will leave me for her. Well he did leave and with in a week had took her out for dinner now 8 weeks overall since we split they just declared yesterday on social media they are in a relationship he claims he never left me for her but i know he left when he knew there was a chance. He done this before but nevee said she was gf before. But this girl he has and he is normally a private person i am depressed and i really dont think i can move on from this we share a son and im really struggling. Your posts really help me to see all this years of him coming going coming bk catching him eith girls saying he will change but never does he has destroyed all my confidence and it seems so unfair that after all my treatment the last few years i dtill love him while he can move on and be so happy already. Can a young narcissist change for the right girl?

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Charlotte, welcome to my blog. To answer your question, “No” a younger narcissist is not going to change for the right girl. In fact they are at their prime and more just starting to perfect the art of using, manipulating and abusing women. These are their “good old days” while they still have their looks, as they age they may slow down a bit because their looks leaves them and they may have health issues or something that prevents them from being able to attract women, in that case they may settle down a bit only because their options are limited.
      Charlotte, run while his attention is non someone else, and never look back; you have invested 5 year in this soul sucker and he will ruin your life if you allow him to. Five years turns into 10 years before you blink an eye and with every year you lose more of your self confidence and he gets more abusive.
      Of course he is being sweet with this new woman, but he has done this before, what did you learn the other times? History is the best indication of future behaviour. You keep repeating the same behaviour hoping for a different result and you will never get it. You know he makes promises he will not keep, you know you will take him back and you know he will leave you again the minute an attractive woman appears on the scene. When that woman gets sick of him or he gets bored with her he will contact you again because he figures you are just sitting there waiting for him to come back, willing to take any shit he dishes out because he has you wrapped around his finger and you are so weak and he is so amazing. Eventually, you will lose so much of yourself you will become a shell of a human being, you will become a zombie, not reacting to his abuse and resign yourself to the fact that “This is just the way life is”, “He always comes back to me” actually makes you feel better!! There are women who allow these creeps to come and go for 30- 40 years, always hoping he will change.
      No matter how hard it is to leave him now, believe me it will be a lot easier now than 10 years from now.
      Of course he is nice to the new girl, just like he was with you, and the woman last time and the woman next time. How would he be able to hook the woman if he was his true self. If he was honest with women about the real him he would never be able to suck them in.
      You are right, it is unfair, there is nothing FAIR about a relationship with an N. It isn’t fair that he took advantage of you and destroyed your confidence and is now with another woman, and it isn’t fair he will come back when he is done with the other woman and think he can get back together with you. It is totally wrong. So don’t let him!! You decide how people treat you to a large degree, you can stop this right now.
      You can scream it is unfair until you are blue in the face and nothing is going to change, he is certainly never going to be “fair”, he is never going to be the man you met or want him to be.
      You need to stop worrying about what he is doing and if he is going to change and start changing yourself. He will never change and you have a choice now, a very important choice for yourself and your son. From this point forward, you have the knowledge you need to change your life for the better and be happy. It really is that simple. It isn’t easy, no! but it is the only way you will ever be the beautiful strong woman your son needs.
      I don’t know what your living arrangements are, if he is seeing your son, paying child support etc so it is hard to advice you exactly what you need to do but I can say this much. Limit contact and only discuss issues pertinent to your son, and if you can don’t talk to him directly at all. Find a support group or a therapist who can help you deal with the depression and help you build your confidence. It is unfair that you still love him, he doesn’t deserve it. You CAN stop loving him, as soon as you decide to, it won’t happen over night, it could take a year or more, that depends on you. The more you see him and place his games the longer you will love him the sooner you refuse to be used by him the quicker you will heal. His only purpose and goal is to keep you beaten down and under his control so as long as you have contact everything he does will bring you back down and then if he is the least bit nice you are grateful and become addicted to those little shots of approval and become more and more addicted and needy.
      He will never fix you, you have to fix yourself. Believe me it is easier now than later and fixing yourself is so important to your future relationships so you never repeat history.
      It was not your fault that you got sucked in by this guy but now that the damage is done by him you must heal yourself. And as far as your son goes, he does not need this man as his daddy. Do you want to raise your son watching his mother be abused?
      It has only been 8 weeks, you have every right to be sad, depressed, grieving the relationship you thought you had, but now is the time to break the ties that bind. stop checking his FB or other social media, do not communicate with him about anything except his son and do not discuss him with friends or read or answer any emails or text from him.
      You can do this and we are here to help you. Save yourself and have the life you deserve!!
      HUgs
      Carrie

      Like

  • abby

    Hi carrie. You understand what theyre about so well. He told me to fuck off last night. Ive been with him 9 years.I paid rent for this month already. He said hed take out all the food and i must buy my own. The food in the house was bought from both our monies. He is so hateful to me now. I know he has someone else but he denies it. It eases my mind to know that he wont keep up his act with her for long before she sees his anger and impatience. I have a feeling of terror in my gut . Its fear of being alone. Thank you for giving me strength to get up and face the truth this morning.

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Abby, ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) I am sorry you are going through this. 9 years. Are you ready to save yourself yet? We both know he will be back eventually, because I am sure you have done this before. He will beg to come back and he will treat you worse than ever before. It is a vicious cycle and only you can break it.
      They are evil people (I hesitate to use the word people to describe them because they are far from a normal person)
      Now is the time to act on getting yourself well, because he will be back when this one falls apart and if you take him back it will be worse than ever. I am sure you have split before and gotten back together, most relationships with an N are on and off so much you never know if you are a couple or not.
      That is part of the reason you are feeling fearful, they keep a person so on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop that we live in fear. It is now a natural state to be in, they cause the trauma and drama but we look to them to keep us safe. It is such a warped relationship, we end up relying on the person hurting us to protect us because our world is so crazy.
      The longer you are away from him the clearer you will see things and the fear will dissipate, you will realize you are capable and strong and you can survive on your own. This is not love, you are addicted to him and he is controlling your ever thought, emotion and action.
      You have spent so long anticipating his every need, concerning yourself with how he is going to react, trying not to make him angry, walking on egg shells for fear of his rage, wondering where he is, who he is with. When they are gone we don’t know what to do with ourselves. We have to fill that time with something else.
      Read lots, as much as you can about narcissists so you know you are not alone and you are armed with knowledge of whats to come so you can protect yourself from more hurt and abuse,
      Go no contact and that means, no looking at his FB or talking to friends to see what he is doing. I know it is hard, like going through withdrawal but any contact is going to be painful, he wants to hurt you, he wants to make you feel it was all your fault. He wants everyone to think it was all your fault. Don’t give him a crack to get to you. Don’t answer his texts, or emails, he will only pull you back into his web.
      Come here as often as you need for moral support, to rant, cry ask questions, whatever you need. You are not alone and there is life after the N believe me there is a sun out there ready to shine on you, the N’s black cloud has been blocking it but it is there.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • Marie

    Thank you for this article. I’ve only been with one guy my whole life. I dated him for 18 years and I was so happy when he finally proposed to me last year on Christmas day. We were scheduled to get married next year. Everyone was so happy and felt it will be the wedding of the year. We had our good times when we were younger then when we got to our mid 20s, betrayals happened and it’s never been the same. We would break up and within days, weeks there’s a new girl in the picture. He kept coming back to me, and I thought maybe he just needed to get it out of his system since we never really had other relationships growing up.

    2 1/2 years ago, he asked me to buy a house with him which I was hesitant because my income was not enough to cover mortgage equally. He made me feel bad and so I gave in and purchased the house with him. Then the proposal happened a year later. Even though, I felt there was an emotional disconnection, I ignored it because we’re so close to walking down the isle. As we got closer to the wedding, we fought often and that’s when I finally asked him for couple counseling. Within the first meeting, he gave up. Just like what you mentioned on the article, I was not appreciative of the things he has done for me. Each words on your article is exactly what was done to me. To make the situation worst, few weeks after he broke up with me, I found him on the couch with a good friend of mine at our house and now they are seeing each other.

    The article made me cry because each paragraph spoke to me and i hope to take it with me during this process of grieving and acceptance period especially with Christmas coming up.

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Marie, i am sorry you are going through this and it is with a friend of yours also! Big hugs to you. just know she will eventually get the same treatment, they do not change and as hard as it is now, you WILL be better off without him in the long run, believe me!!
      Please come back as often as you need for moral support and a shoulder to cry on
      let us know how you are doing. we care
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • Jo

    Dear Carrie,
    I am in love with your blog! I think I was involved with a narc and no one seems to understand. It’s been a month since he’s been out of the house. I still miss, want and crave him. I made him leave for multiple reasons. We argued a lot and he was the best person to be around on the weekends with no work and drinking and having fun and then come Monday thru Thursday and it was quiet sulky not very talkative. I guess I keep clinging to the good that we did have and for some reason I am so attracted to him. I’ve tried to find attraction with other men and it’s never the same to me. It was in the way he made me feel like I was beautiful and he loved me more than anyone and we had the same sense of humor I felt like we were best friends in every way and the sex was amazing. This is a man who I look at or he touches me and I just melt. But this is also a man who has went out many nights partying with friends and has ignored my tears and phone calls. Also one that didn’t work any overtime whatsoever to help with bills. Drinks beer every night and uses pills and the final breaking point was where I was working nights and he was watching my children I found out he was using meth and cocaine. After I kicked him out of the house he said he would go to counseling and did twice and I told him this is your 8th chance if you want to be a part of our lives you will show it this time I’m not listening to anything you say. He made a Facebook added hundreds of girls has went on dates and I know took at least one of them home. And it kills me. I went no contact today after telling him what a piece of shit he is after I tried with everything in me to make It work and what he has done. And then I blocked his number. Even while out of the house he begged me all day that he would do anything and stupid me called him over ten times that night just to be ignored. Why can’t I move on and be attracted to someone else? I’ve always been the type to not wallow in it after a relationship is over but this feels so different. I always thought he was just bipolar with the mood swings and outburst and he just thought a lot of himself. And after everything I still think. Maybe I made him do this? Maybe if I would have tried harder? On and on. I’m what ifing myself to death and I’m sick of it. We live in a small town and I know sooner or later there he will be with someone else and I’m sure I can find someone else too but I worry that I’ll feel that “high” I felt with him. He could make me feel like no one else ever has in a good way and seemed thoughtful and so loving at times as well. Two different people. Help! Please

    Like

  • Lo

    This is amazing it really makes sense sometimes you have to read things like this to be reminded that what your goin through is not normal it is not YOU that is the problem and that your not the only one and there is light at the end of the tunnel it is much harder with kids involved or if this sort of relationship has started from a young age or your first relationship (this was my case) but everything you’ve said describes my ex. Awful. So good to try help others like this.

    Like

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