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How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to JC once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in JC and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!
Carrie

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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About Carrie Reimer

I am a 56 year old single woman who has taken her experiences from a 10 year abusive relationship and turned them into a positive. Through my blog I share my experiences and help other women in similar circumstances find happiness and safety. There is life after a narcissist and I stand here before you as proof. Don't let the bastards get you down. View all posts by Carrie Reimer

248 responses to “How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

  • Filipa

    Thank you so must for this blog. It was just what I needed to heard. I still feel hard to move on but now I know what he is a narcissist!!!! But it’s so so so hard. Helppppp

    Like

  • Audbug2410@aol.com

    How to you get a narcissist out of your home?? I’m wondering if anyone actually called the police on any of these N morons. I am sooo tempted to have him thrown out. I cant stand taking his crap any longer. The sight of him makes me sick. He sits in the sunroom 4 evenings/nites a week and drinks beer until he’s intoxicated…YUCK!

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Audbug I called the police and it did no good. These are the laws in Canada. We were not married so if we were it would be even more impossible to get him out but impossible is still impossible. The cops told me that it was a domestic issue and they would not do anything unless he was physically violent. I said he had been in the past, not good enough it has to be at that time and then they will come and arrest him. I said but he hasn’t paid rent for months and I was buying all the food etc. They said there is nothing they can do about it. They asked if he had ever given me money, even $100 and I said yes then it was a rental agreement and I had to formally evict him for none payment of rent. Which meant I had to give him 10 days notice that i was evicting him and if he didn’t pay in that 10 days then I would have to go to court and get an order telling him to leave and hire a sheriff to deliver the notice and then wait another period of time to give him time to move and if he still didn’t move then I had to take him to court. They will not take him away for you, that is why the victim is usually the one to end of leaving because the N won’t leave. Believe me!! I moved to get away a few times and then I’d weaken and let him stay for supper or something and he’d move in while I was at work. You can not give them an inch they will abuse it every single time.

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  • Jtaylor

    I feel that this was written by me, it rings so true. I still cannot believe how I was manipulated, lied to, devalued, discarded. I ignored the red flags, and let myself almost disappear. The longer I was around him, the more worthless I felt. I was walking on eggshells around him and his bad moods. I am now almost 3 weeks no contact. I am getting a little stronger every day, but it will take some time to get over the pure evil I thought was the man I had waited for all of my life. He was moving on to his next target before we broke up. I actually pity the new girl, she has no idea what is happening.

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  • Sann

    Dear Carrie,

    I recently found out I was the other woman in the relationship with my ex. He and I dated shortly, he never fully committed, allways pushing me away, but really jealous. As he didnt want to commit we broke up but he insisted to stay friends. Still jealous and touchy, even sex. Then he pushed me away again.

    So he didnt wanted me to move on and didnt let me go.
    I am smart, beautiful, strong woman and told him goodbye. I invited him over after a couple of months as I allways saw a good man in him. I now finally know the truth, there was an other woman and now he is comitted to her. She has find me via the web and found out he cheated on her.

    I emailed her my story and warned her about a medical issue. Her response: he told her i am sick, depressed suicidal, psychiatric and i threathend him to stay with me etc.

    I still believe in him as a good man, he cried alot and told me I am a good person. People allways open up to me and i have with strangers allways an connection and they trust me.

    Why cant i make him see the harm he did. Why did he remained friends, knowing i was hurt, why didnt he dump me and leave for the other girl so I wouldnt find out?
    I am still attached and the new girl’s ex hurts. I feel ruinend. Would he feel remorse.

    I feel like a failure but i allways kept my boudaries.

    Like

  • Laura M

    Wow this was exactly what I needed to read! I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 years. I am only 20 so I am thankful I am getting out of it now. His actions and the way he used to manipulate me is exactly what you wrote in the article. And I remember in the past there were always women on his phone and text messages. He soon started to delete messages and call me crazy for looking at his phone. And in a way I felt bad for trying so hard to search for evidence. It’s hurts to know someone you cared for so much can just turn around and stab you in the back. There were rumours going around that he cheated on me and he would always say no I would never do that ever. I have been pushed away and pulled back countless times by him. When we would argue he would bring me down to the dirt and then try to compliment me and apologize. Everytime we argued I was the blame for something he did . It’s crazy how they can take control of you. When we broke up the first time he was with a new girl the following month. He has now left her. I have just recently cut him out of my life. I will never look back. He is nothing but a disgusting human. I would like some advice on what to do if he tries to find a way to contact me or if I see him in public? We’ll I ever be able to trust guys again? I thank you again for writing this. You have really helped. Xo

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  • Carrie Reimer

    Laura, you are so smart to be getting out now!You have a bright future ahead of you, never look back! Stay no contact and that means NO CONTACT, try to eliminate any means where he can contact you, even if it means changing your phone number. Block him on FB, block his emails, They are persistent and try to wear the victim down, will say and do anything to get the victim to come back to them and then abuse them even worse than before. Stay strong and do not talk to him, don’t think you can be “friends”, tell your friends you don’t want to know anything about him and not to tell him anything about you and if they can’t do that then tell them you will have to cut them from your life. Any true friends will understand how toxic he is.
    If you see him in public, keep right on walking, don’t even acknowledge he exists. If he somehow contacts you, hang up without saying a word, do not answer any text messages or emails. Do not engage with him no matter what he says. He will try to draw you into a discussion by insulting you or accusing you of things you didn’t do knowing you will defend yourself. The minute you reply to him he has hooked you and he will pull you back into his cruelty and eat away at your resolve and self confidence.
    Even if he admits to everything he ever did wrong and cries real tears, it is all an act so you are the safest if you don’t even talk to him at all. The best way to get him to leave you alone is to be a grey rock. The grey rock method is exactly what it sounds like. Boring as a grey rock. If he can get any response from you, anger, tears, begging, even hate, it is attention he doesn’t care what kind of attention he gets as long as it is attention.
    Be very careful when you go out, be aware of your surroundings at all times,. Actually, download my safety plan and even if you are not with him, implement a safety plan so you are safe and prepared just in case. It pays to be safe and not to scare you but you can never predict what these assholes will do and I want you to be safe and live a long life.
    Will you ever trust again? I am sure you will, but you will be smarter and listen to your gut instincts next time you meet someone like him. Don’t get involved again too quickly, give yourself time to heal.
    Good luck dear, and come back if you need moral support or an understanding ear.
    Love and hugs to you
    Carrie

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  • Laura M

    Thanks for your awesome and understanding response! But I have another question… I was in high school when I met my narcissist. In grade 10 to be exact.. I was the new girl and he attached himself the very first day he found out about me.. I was wondering if that is young to become a narcissist. It seems crazy to think at that age someone wants to control someone to that extend. Also why would someone want to hurt others as much as these people do? Could it be a spark in their past that set them off? I’m just curious to know more about these people I guess now that I have finally found my answers!

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Laura,
      just a little info about narcissist so you understand exactly what you are dealing with. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) even have difficulty and the mental health professionals are in disagreement about how to classify narcissism. Some experts want to lump them in with psychopaths or sociopaths (which are basically the same disorder). The problem with narcissists is that they never seek treatment because they do not think they have a problem and in fact feel superior to “normal” people because they are not governed by feelings, they do not feel guilt, remorse, empathy or compassion, consequently they can never truly love anyone.
      Everyone agrees that all psychopaths are narcissistic but there are some people who don’t believe they are one and the same and that there are narcissists that are not psychopaths. Everyone has some narcissistic traits, we have to in order to function in the world but some people are more self centered than others, they would be considered to be mildly narcissistic and are annoying and arrogant, egocentric but harmless.
      The problem lies in the fact that the average person, (even experts get fooled) to know where the egocentric ends and the psychopath begins, by the time a person figures out they are involved with a psychopath it is often too late.
      So I prefer to kinda lump them all together because in my opinion being involved with a narcissist is enough reason to run to the hills why worry about whether he is a psychopath or not? That said, the research I have read from a number of experts on psychopaths (Dr Robert Hare, Sam Vaknin) they are born that way. They are born with their brains wired differently than the rest of us. It is not that they choose to ignore people’s feelings, they CAN’T empathize. They are not capable. Usually psychopathy will become obvious when the person is in their teens, about the time they start dating. Until they reach puberty, they are probably viewed as “difficult” children, maybe diagnosed as ADHD or some other typical childhood disorder. If you have ever spent much time with a 2 or 3 year old you know that they can be very selfish and self centered, they lack patience and want everything now, if they aren’t playing with a toy and another child starts to play with the toy the child will throw a temper tantrum until they get the toy back. Once they have it they will toss it in the corner again.That is normal for a toddler, but most people grow out of it and as they experience life they start to have empathy and can understand someone’s pain etc. A narcissist/psychopath never develops that skill.
      How they were raised will have an affect on how well they hide their disorder. For example, if he is raised in a upper class home loving home he will be better able to fake being a nice person, he will be more refined whereas an N raised in an abusive home will probably be more openly abusive and not as slick in his tactics to secure a victim. Also they tend to get better at faking having feelings as they age because they are learning as they go.
      Because they don’t feel like the rest of us they memorize the reactions of the people around them and will act like what they have seen other people act in a similar situation. It is impossible for them to memorize reactions to everything and that is why they sometimes seem to have a totally inappropriate reaction to something. Or they will not react at all to something that would anger a normal person. They avoid situation where they are expected to display emotions because they don’t know how to act. James could fake crying like an award winning actor but every time he begged me back he used the same dialog with slight variation to it. He must have seen a movie at some times that he is imitating and it works so he sticks with it. He is too self absorbed and lacking in empathy to realize that I would recognize the speech from the last time and it won’t work he 3rd and 4th time.
      So this has gotten really long but I wanted to make sure you understand how dangerous these people are and there is no cure for them, nothing made them this way and they can’t be fixed. They are disabled from birth, it is not a choice.
      Well, I have to take that back, they do choose to hurt the people around them because causing someone else pain makes them feel powerful and superior. They crave attention and don’t care what kind of attention it is, anger, fear, love, as long as your attention is on them.
      Be very careful to not under estimate how cruel and evil they can be, they do not like to be rejected and can become very violent when they can’t manipulate the victim back into their web, 70 % of domestic homicides happen at the time of the break up or shortly afterward. James is still trying to ruin my life with slander and it has been 3 years.
      it is best to make it a clean break and stay no contact.

      Liked by 1 person

  • jami

    I only spent a year with a narcissist he not only emotionally and mentally abused me he did it to my son too. He is everything described in everyone’s story’s here. Only two weeks before I left him he tried to
    Get me to quit my job he didn’t like it when I told him no its my career and I don’t want your money. He is a truck driver I new things were changing between us when his texts and calls would become even less he came home after being gone for a month had and affair on me with a married woman who says she is happily married but she is also bipolar too he moved me away from my family and alienated me when he came home from being on the road all of his time was spent with his sister,and his father I work in a mental hospital so I decided to read up on different personalities and finally figured out that he is a narcissists his father is one too and when I first met him his ex wife did all of the cheating he was so perfect and never did anything wrong. I hate him I am going to counseling now and still trying to erase him from my mind.

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Jami, congratulations on realizing what he is after only a year and for being smart enough to get professional help dealing with the aftermath of being with a narcissist. The length of the relationship does not necessarily determine the depth of the devastation they cause but usually the financial loss is not as great nor the damage to a person’s mental state. One bit of advice, if you haven’t already, go no contact! and do not ever talk to him again, it is the only way to heal and get over them. If you have any contact whatsoever they find a way to hurt you or suck you back into their twisted web of debauchery.
      Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • antonietted

    This is one of the best articles I have read in the last year. I threw him out and a month later I contacted him to see how he was( no contact was strange from him was weird to me since he professed to love me more than life itself) we were supposed to meet up and he stiffed me after telling me he loved me still. That started my research in all that he claimed from day one,dear god it turned into what could be a lifetime movie! Drugs and methodone,dating web sites, prostitudes and strippers. Sixteen differant addresses and evictions, judgements, and the list goes on and on. What you have captured is every thought and feeling I have had in the last year, no contact in 7 months thoughts I have had that I would never admit yo anyone. You have so spelled it out and in the end you are so right no scenario will bring about any good or change this is why I kept reading I was waiting something that would give me some peace. I’m still recovering and everyday does get better and clearer and happier!

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Antonietted, thank you so much.
      It sounds like you have a good grip on reality, good for you 7 months no contact!! You are right, everyday is brighter and clearer as long as the N is out of your life………….Congratulations on being N free.
      hugs

      Like

  • jean

    Hi Carrie,

    how do i know if the guy i was dating is a narcissist?
    he def was emotionally abusive when he became angry.
    I am a silly person at times but to him i am dumb or ditsy.
    i said oh well this is me!
    however he didnt start off the relationship being super sweet or anything,
    In fact he started it out kind of abusive, he knew i had a boyfriend and we were on a break and having issues. I never thought I had low self esteem and now wonder if I did and thats why i dealt with him for so long. he would say mean things to me and then act like they never happened. only one time he really apologized and said i know i am fucked up. I said that wasnt good enough, but eventually gave in and started seeing him again.
    He is convinced he is the best looking guy and he is handsome and charming like you say narcs are. i know he had a bad childhood and i did too in some ways so i felt connected. I guess i feel like i am chasing someone who may not want me. I told him i loved him and he said i wont tell you until i can give you what you want. he says i deserve more and better etc…. but yet doesnt seem to want to get help. he drinks alot and pain pills. I went no contact now for over a week but im feeling like i miss him etc. same as always. It is very hard to know if hes mild narc or if he could get help or not? counceling? I am one of those ppl you talk abt that always want to see the good in someone. he told me he was an asshole from the door…almost like warning me! now that i look back he did warn me and told me many times i should prob leave him alone. I grew up with an addict and always want to believe there is hope. am i wrong? should i try my best to leave him alone and not respond? help!

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Jean, RUN!! as fast as you can in the opposite direction and DO. NOT. LOOK. BACK.!!!!! Huge red flags flying every where!! He told you he is an asshole, believe him!!!!!!! almost like a warning? that is a huge warning. I read somewhere a long time ago, “If a guy says you are too good for him believe him.” Have you read my post on the traits of a narcissist. Your ex is text book. Stay no contact and read, read, read!!
      Let me recap what you have told me.
      He is an alcoholic and hooked on pain pills.
      He gets abusive when he is angry.(abuse is abuse whether it is sober or drunk, emotional or physical and it rarely starts as physical, they start slow and build up to punching you in the face)
      He says mean things and then pretends he didn’t say them.
      He thinks he is good looking (everyone thinks a narcissist is just looking in the mirror all the time, really that is such a small part of their personality, they are so much more toxic and dangerous)
      You say you love him and he refuses to say it back. What is he waiting for? ABUSIVE!!
      He says you deserve better BELIEVE HIM!!!
      But he doesn’t want to get help. because he doesn’t think he has a problem, if he warns you that you deserve better and you still pursue him he is off the hook in the blame dept why would he want to treat you good when you will take his shit? it is so much easier to just treat you like shit, He does not want to treat you good, he does not love you, he never will love you or any other woman, he gets his jolly’s from hurting women. He is superior to everyone because he does not have feelings, no guilt, no conscience, no remorse.
      There is no such thing as a “mild” narcissist, he just hasn’t gotten to his worst yet. You think he is nasty now? just wait, you ain’t seen nothin yet.
      Your own words “It is very hard to know if hes mild narc or if he could get help or not? counceling? I am one of those ppl you talk abt that always want to see the good in someone. he told me he was an asshole from the door…”
      Counseling????????? he already told you he doesn’t want to change. BELIEVE HIM!!He told you he is an asshole!!!!!!! What more do you need??? Leave him alone and find a good counselor for yourself.
      I am sorry to be so harsh but sweetheart!! if you continue to see this guy you have no one to blame but yourself. You miss him, you will get over it. You will regret it if you keep seeing him. Have you read the articles and comments in here?
      Ok I have to stop now I am just repeating myself.
      Good luck

      Like

  • jean

    thanks Carrie. I know you are right, it is just so hard, We are both on the same dating website, so he did contact me i didnt answer. I guess i am still holding onto hope when u say i should let it go. I went to grade school with him and I guess i just see this sad little boy that needs help. He hasnt said he doesnt want to change, in fact he has said he doesnt like who he is and feels demons clawing at him. He knows he has a problem. hes admitted he knows he has many issues, but hasnt gone to counceling. you are right about the being off the “hook”: since he told me how he is. I think that makes him feel better. since he makes it my choice. yes i have read some of your articles. still reading more. We have good times where he opens up a little and i guess my nurture side sees that and thinks that is the man he could be, I just feel that maybe if he got help and stopped drinking he could get better. maybe not. idk. him and his mom have a very bad relationship shes also addicted to piils. she abandoned him as a child and maybe thats the “feel bad” or pity he plays on… but it is true. I have met her a few times. shes moved so now shes not around which os good. I just feel very sad for him. he was in the army as well in afg. so that contributes to his mental state. Overall i have seen a soft side. he has compassion even if its just a little sliver. I have seen it and i dont think it was acting. you say narcs have no feeling and cant love. can they love their family? I dont want to make excuses or be hurt over and over, i just wish that i could pour my heart out and let him know i care and that is why i have to walk away, i want him to get help. maybe he never will. but this is his chance.

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Jean, I am going to say this as nicely as I can because I believe you are a good person and I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I really believe you need to seek counseling for yourself to figure out why you are so intent on this guy who has told you himself he is no good for you.
      Most of the women who come in here were led to believe they had met their soul mate and the N put on as good act in the beginning and when the mask dropped the victim held onto the image of the man they met and thought he would come back. But the most you have with this guy is is some ok times when he isn’t drinking and you yourself have only seen a sliver of compassion from him.

      You are so sure he wasn’t acting when you saw this sliver of compassion? What about all these other victims in here who have had the narcissist cry real tears, beg for them to come back, promised to go to counselling, admitted they had problems and stuck with him only to discover he was lying. Like James said to me, “I told you what you needed to hear to get your back.” He didn’t mean a word of it. Do you think I or the other victims were stupid and it was obvious he was lying?
      Jean , these guys are not just an asshole, they are the most dangerous people in the world, the best actors, they are parasites who feed off of the pain of others. They FAKE emotions, they do not have them.
      Cling to your hope that there is a real caring man inside there somewhere and have your life ripped into tiny pieces and lay there bleeding while he kicks you and tells you what a psycho bitch you are and no one is ever going to want you. he will make mincemeat out of you. Trust me. I am 100% positive and I don’t even know you.
      Their brains are wired wrong , they are deformed from birth, they love no one, they use everyone who gets in their path. They are pathological liars and award winning actors.
      He will gladly use you and toss you a crumb once in a while but he will never change, he CAN’T CHANGE. Don’t feel sorry for him, he is fine believe me, he is playing you and you are walking right into his web.
      But that is it I am not going to try to convince you that you should walk away from him because even if you do walk away from this one you are going to get hooked up with another one until you get a handle on why you feel you need to rescue a man. Why your self esteem is so low that you have to earn a man’s love and loyalty by saving him from himself.

      I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to reach out and save you from yourself, you are on a road to disaster. I wish I could help you but I think you need one on one therapy to discover what it is from your past that makes you think you don’t deserve better.

      Think about it. When you first meet someone you are both on your good behavior, THIS is his GOOD behavior, he hasn’t even started to become an asshole yet.

      Ok I am done. Good luck and please get help.
      \Big hugs
      Carrie

      Like

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