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Common Expressions of a Narcissist

Here are a few expressions commonly used by a narcissist. Please feel free to add any you might have in the comment section.

“I don’t know what to say about that”
When he knows he should be showing an emotion but because he doesn’t feel the same as everyone else.

“There are many types of love, the love I have for you is different”
When he is caught saying I love you to another woman.

“They can’t believe their good fortune to finally have someone there who knows what they are doing, it’s going to take me a while to straighten up the mess from the last guy”
(Every time he gets a new job)

“I had them eating out of my hands.”
(Believes in manipulating others to create results).

“You didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”
(After verbally maiming and then pretending there was more to say)

“Just because I didn’t do what you wanted when you wanted it.”
(A justification for receptively breaking promises)

“Just because I didn’t say what you wanted to hear.”
(A justification for verbal abuse)

“You’re the only person who misunderstands what I say”

“You’re to sensitive, over-emotional, paranoid.”
(Same as above)

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, you can’t repeat what I said 5 minutes ago”
(No matter what you say they said they will disagree)

“I’m sorry, what more do you want from me, I can never make you happy no matter what I do.”
(Followed by justifications for the behaviour with body language that is clearly not aligned with an apology)

“How many times do I have to say I’m sorry.”
(Followed by repetitive unacceptable behaviour)

“Why do you have to live in the past?”
(Followed by repetitive unacceptable behaviour)

“What about your issues?”
(When failing to take responsibility for unacceptable behaviour)

“You make me behave like this, I am only reacting to your actions”
(Same applies for above)

“You’re the only person in the world I have these problems with.”
(Same applies for above)

“I can’t live with your dysfunctional perceptions”

“Why would I want to; come home, answer the phone, do something nice for you, (fill in the blank) when you act like this?”(Diverting blame)

Uses “loop hole” statements, such as:
“I *think* I’m falling in love with you” (he didn’t say he does love you)
“I *could* do this or that” (later he can say I said I could not that I would)
“*If* I asked you to marry me would you?” ( he didn’t ask)
“What size is your ring finger?”
(How you interpret that is not his fault)

“You act like my mother,” or, “You’re a control freak.”
(When asked for the truth or trustworthy / accountable behaviour)

“You know I hate conflict, but you continue to create it”
(When you confront him on something he’s done)

“This is exactly why I look elsewhere, you are always angry”
(When confronted about cheating)

“You should listen to yourself”

“If you knew the truth you wouldn’t be upset” when asked what is the truth then? Replies,”You wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway so why bother?”

“I’ve had enough, it’s over”
(When confronted on something like continued infidelity, rejecting you for being angry)

“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person”
(While walking away from an argument)

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581 responses to “Common Expressions of a Narcissist

  • Dorothy

    It will go away in time but you need to persist in staying away, well and truly away. I know exactly what you are going through, I have been there several times with the same man. I have been through the worst depression of my life, I became obsessed with him. Going out with another woman will not work, you have to work on yourself until you are well and truly ready for a new relationship and if need be, get some counselling to rebuild your self esteem. I found that whenever my thoughts about him resurfaced, I would get a pen and paper and write down why I loved him and why I hated him, what he did for me and what he did against me – it sort of put things into perspective in my mind and then I would think about all the things I could do now I was not with him and remember I was not in love with a real man, I was in love with a fake. hope this helps

    Liked by 1 person

  • ydemeshe

    Thank you Carrie and Ellie for the response. I was with her for 2 years and I know that the both of you are correct. I should not be dating as I know that it would be unfair – I just do not want to admit that there are still feelings for my N. I thank God that I had a friend who was in the same relationship as me and she advised me of who and what a N is. If I did not know, I think that I would have clearly taken her back. For me tho, because I live in a small community, the support here is little and what support we do offer is expensive. I thank you for having this blog b/c I am able to come and read, read, cry, read, sob, refer, remember, etc. It really is hard tho. I see them at least once a week and she has zero remorse and it pisses me off. I get angry all over again. I am going to take my time – i just want the anger and the tears to dissipate.

    Like

  • Mickey

    I was cleverly bullied over a period of years by a narcissistic psychopath in my workplace. After a mental breakdown, I fought to get this person removed from that office. The executive to whom I made a formal complaint was also a victim of this persons manipulation. Finally, after nearly 12 months I am on my way to a full recovery, no thanks to my disbelieving supervisor. I have chosen to change jobs, take a massive drop in salary, and moved into a more modest home to escape this persons evil self serving presence. He’s totally devoid of any emotion for other humans, likes to make others squirm, I sincerely hope one day he will become aware of the traumatic affect he has had on the many people he victimised. Somehow I don’t think that will ever happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Disillusioned

      You’re right; that will never happen. Such people lack the capacity for empathy.

      Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Mickey, good for you to put your well being above a job, salary, or home. it is unfair and unfortunate that these soulless beings get away with what they do and do the damage they do but sometimes in order to save ourselves we have to cut our losses and leave the situation for our overall well being.
      The thing is, he does realize the traumatic affect he has on people’s lives, he just doesn’t care in fact he feels powerful and that he is superior to the people he destroys because he views them as weak because they have feelings and he manipulates people through their feelings.
      Congrats on getting away from him and good luck in the future. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • XiaoFu

    Where do I start this?
    I still don’t know if I was the victim, abuser or both. I met my former spouse while in the Army, but we never actually “got together “until well after that date. I would like to say that I lived a pristine life and was a moral pillar to those around me, but I cannot boast that fine aspiration.
    I was molested as a 13 year old paperboy, my mother never did anything about it and that started my decline. Not the fact mom didn’t do anything, She was frightened and a victim of rape herself. What got me was the confusion and loathing I felt after that incident. Until recently, I couldn’t stand the feeling of someone else’s skin touching mine. I avoided people in general and never really trusted anyone.
    I was married to my first wife as a young soldier. This marriage ended in less than 2 years. The only blame there was that we were young, immature and both, “barely” survivors of sexual abuse as children. I say barely, because I don’t think that either of our families knew what to do about it and we ourselves didn’t either. I will also add that during this period in the Army, I was witness and participant to some things that the mind rebels against.
    I won’t go into the details, but things just stacked on. I wasn’t a good husband to my first wife. 20+ years after our divorce, she wrote me a character reference for my court issue with my current and final former wife. I would do the same for her.
    I met my second wife in 1988 while serving in the Army, her grand dad was a WW2 hero and my regiment was his regiment back then. We were both married and divorced in between the time we met and the time we actually lived together and were married. By the time 1993 rolled around, I was a hot mess. That is when. “X” moved up here to my state. I was 25 and a total emotional wreck. I gave up my career in the Army, was divorced from my first wife and was carrying a lot of guilt and anger.
    Almost immediately I noticed that she was “a bit off”. She told me this was due to a thyroid issue she had and we set about getting her doctor’s appointments and medications. X liked to go out and party, but I was already past that stage and this caused conflict. My reply to all life’s problems was to go to work. She took this as ignoring her and acted out. She would disappear in the middle of the day and not come back until much later. Years later, she told me she would go and walk down the road and let men pick her up for fun and attention.
    I was angry of course, but I was even guiltier for allowing my wife to think I didn’t care. I tried to show her my love, but I am a pretty simple guy and some small thing I made from wood or leather wasn’t the attention she wanted. She wanted to go out and be seen. Her behavior continued and as years past I finally realized that she was sleeping around, no matter where we moved, she would always find her “fix”. In 2001 I had finally had enough, I worked in a bar and she would hook up in local bars. I got a call one night “dude, your woman is leaving with some guy”. The bar was right across the street. I walked over and found her in the guy’s car making out. Needless to say I went to jail that night. When I pulled her out of the guy’s car, she jerked away from me and said” I know what I’m doing”! I slapped her.
    2 toddlers at the baby sitters and me at work, already knowing what she had been doing for years, when I finally saw it and she spoke those words in that vicious tone…I became a batterer in the eyes of the law and many others.
    In 2003 I started working in the Middle East, from then until 2010 I was on the road 300 or so days out of the year. I didn’t have to address the issue any more. I felt that if I could provide a stable income and leave her in charge of the finances and household, she would forgive me for hitting her. We split up in 2010 after I lost my job, she moved out and got an apartment a few blocks away. Our then teen daughter moved in with her. She told me, “Dad, Mom needs someone”. During this time X was picking up guys from dating sites and craigslist Ads. She even gave one the key to her apartment and he came over very late one school night, alcohol on his breath and woke our daughter who was sleeping in the living room chair as she was sick.
    There were others, but I remember this one because I did check him out with the state patrol database and he had an extensive record. The divorce papers were filed but, we decided to reconcile. There were so many inconsistencies to what X told me. She wasn’t a good liar at all, but she would add just enough truth for me to hope for change. I had worked on my anger for years. Numbness was my answer. Fast forward to 2014…. This time X wanted the divorce. That was fine by me. She moved out on Jan 5th 2014, lived with my sister until June of 2014. My sister had been her friend and confidant for years.
    I have to admit that X and I dallied with each other even after she asked for a divorce and after she moved out. This was at the same time she was seeing other men. I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with me to keep up this behavior. When I finally did stop sleeping with her, I tried to be her friend, I still tried to protect her from predatory men and give her advice. I was in no place to do that at all because I never understood until recently, she wanted that life style.
    I found a lady in December of 2013, a pen pal actually. One day she told me that she had decided to love me whether I loved her back or not. This started my eyes opening. She came here to the states twice on her own dime. She is a successful lady in her country and doesn’t need me or any man like me. But, she chose to love me. I began to feel again. These events are overlapping so if you readers are getting confused, you can bet I was at the time also. I will call her N, for privacy.
    N argued with me that X was a trouble maker and she only came around to get what she could get. I argued back, “No, she isn’t”. I wasted these rich feelings on X when they were all due to my new love. On August 26 2014, I decided to sever my ties with X. It was the right thing to do and was long overdue. The mutual back and forth had to stop! After a running, text, email and Skype conversation, I was done responding to her and let it go. On August 28 I was cleaning up N’s Facebook page, privatizing it and getting rid of old stuff, This was at her request and I was surprised that she would give me the passcode. I was lazy so I hadn’t done it all in one shot. When I logged on, I went to her messages and noticed a message in her (other) box. The one reserved for spam and not friends mail. I opened it and there were 4 photos of X and 3 of me, hers were pornographic to the xxx extent and the ones of me were shirtless but taken at the same time. The message read “my name”, ruins lives by cheating”. My heart dropped, this message was sent on the 26th. This message was sent via a false FB account and only 2 people would have those photos. I screen shot the message, deleted it and set about finding how to put a no contact order on someone. I told N, about the message and that I was going to get a no contact order. She approved. On the 30th of August I sent X a message to all known emails, Stating I wished to have no further contact with her in any way.

    In the process of telling my family what had happened, my sister said,” I have some things you should know”. She proceeded to tell me about every time X had talked about wanting me dead, planning my death, researching ways to kill me and even soliciting others to do it. She also laid out to me how the cheating never stopped and how proud X was that she had that secret over me. Then the worst part, X had deliberately, over time separated me from my children. She had stolen from them, me. She had robbed us all of a loving relationship. And I had let her do it. The no contact order turned into an order of protection, she counter filed. I asked my sister why she didn’t tell me years ago, her reply stung, I wasn’t exactly approachable. I realized she was being kind in that statement.
    Our son stayed out of it, he said to me “Dad, I have holes in my memory up till my sophomore year”, “I think you are doing the right thing and Mom is just trying to get you in trouble”. Both of my daughters, and my sister wrote detailed statements as to X’s actions and words. X accused me of attempted rape battery and constant abusive behavior in her petition. Only one thing rang true in her statement, I slapped her in 2001 and was prosecuted for it.
    I had corroborating evidence of systematic emotional abuse of the children and myself, death threats and theft of personal items to include medication, clothing and important papers. In the end, her lawyer wanted another continuance, I told him OK, that gives me 2 weeks to pile on more of my own. Or she drops her petition, I drop mine and we get a mutual anti-harassment order. All she has to do is stand in front of the court and admit that she did indeed send those photos and the message to N. She took that offer. I have the video recording from the courtroom.
    20 years of not only my life, but the younger years of my children, wasted. The letters from my sister were the keystone. All the unanswered questions were answered all the blanks were filled. I told the girls to tell the truth, no more no less. Use your own words. My eyes are open to what happened now. My daughters’ words were always there, they warned me and I didn’t hear them.
    I am 46 years old and I have been a fool for the last 20 years. Now I am trying to find out why I allowed myself to be blinded. I know I am a broken person. I have been abused and the abuser, I know that my children suffered while I was gone for the greater part of those 8 years I was working abroad and later. Shame has played a part in all of this, shame for things I did as a young man and shame for things I let myself believe I did to X. Shame for the fact I wasn’t there to protect X as a child when she was raped repeatedly by a former step-father. Even my hope was part, I hoped she and I could change.
    Here is what I know for sure.
    X isn’t just a Narcissist, She is a Sociopath. She preys on broken people and gets the attention she needs. Her current boyfriend is a disabled vet that lost his wife and then his eldest daughter. I am pretty sure he paid for her lawyer. X integrates into someone’s life and adopts everything about that person, even their friends and ways of speaking. She has sex in her van outside of bars and on her way home from work, this she told me herself. My sisters statement explained why X would tell me this, X thought it would hurt me to tell me and even pleased her that she had this secret she could tell at any time to hurt me. Too bad for her that numbness worked so well, even though the sheer volume was unexpected, the actions weren’t.
    Up until the time I severed ties, I was her back up man. I fixed her car, got her out of her fixes and was a shoulder to cry on. X wanted me to do nasty sexual things and I did, only to be blamed later for it. I also know that my children have the capacity to forgive me, even though I failed them so terribly. N loves me and has forgiven me. I will go to her in the spring and we will work together and build on a foundation of trust and respect. I don’t loath the touch of another person anymore, I sleep soundly when N is next to me. I will always see and hear my children from now on. I seek good council instead of closing myself off, lord knows I need it.
    X will continue to lie her way through life, she will seek her comfort in multiple partners and attention from strangers. She has everything of monetary and intrinsic value from our life together. But nothing she made on her own, no family, no long term friends. I don’t need to be a strong man anymore, no need to be a tough unfeeling rock to protect myself. No desire to lash out in rage or even shame. N and my family are who forgave me, they never used me or lied to me. I’m not selfish, I am not a blunt instrument, or a toy!
    As much as I would like to blame X for every crappy thing that happened between us, I can’t. I was at fault for thinking I could handle it all, thinking I could change the character of someone else. I couldn’t even change my own. Being with a person like X and being a broken person to begin with, there isn’t any solution to the relationship. Change yourself first, set a higher standard. Take one step forward at a time. If you are in fear of your life, leave everything and find a safe place to run to. I can’t speak of what to do if you have children, mine are adults. In my state Men don’t do so well in custody battles anyway. Keep a journal, keep text messages, and keep a record! Always learn to love yourself first. Sappy words from a man, but true.
    PS
    When we were sitting in court waiting for the judge to sign the order, X leaned over and said” you sent me that email on the 30th”. “I said yes, what about it”? “That was my birthday” X replied. Even in the face of something as huge as a life changing court order, after all she had done over 20 years, she was focused on what she saw as a personal slight.
    I told her it hadn’t even crossed my mind.

    Like

  • Cindy K

    I figured I should divorce any woman that made me that mad”.
    (He said this at our counseling session in reference to him almost strangling his first wife. It was the fist time I heard about it. .If I had only known before I got involved with him and married him. We had our physical battles.)

    “You are too sensitive. You take everything the wrong way”.

    “I can’t stand _____ (various women names we both know), but you are different, you are not like that.

    “You do not know what you are talking about, their daughter is long gone”. (The neighbor had just told me they were having a backyard wedding for their daughter and that there would be many cars on the street and they were told not to block any driveways)

    Like

  • Sharon Tully

    I am new to this forum and I feel for all involved with these creatures. I haven’t heard of my situation and desperately need advice. I have been married for 31 years to a wonderful man but unfortunately we are no longer sexually attracted to each other. I met X through a mutual friend and the sparks flew after 10 years. We haven’t any children so I can leave any time, and my husband is under the impression he is gay so he has no problem with me seeing him. X is everything a Narcissist is and at first. I found him so exciting sexually, but then he became impotent, or said he was.He going on 70, I am 56. He started taking an ED drug, things were better, but then he started withholding sex from me, unless he wanted it. He literally caused me to bleed he was so forceful. Now, after 6 years, I am disgusted with the games, verbal abuse, you all know the script, but I realize now he is “making love” or “bonking” so he puts it himself. I also feel so guilty I am cheating on this wonderful man.But, the scraps X throws me overrides this. I have tried to leave so many times, sought advice from a therapist, but I guess I am too weak. I can’t tell my closest girlfriend of the cheating. She was also the married victim of one. He got her pregnant with a turkey baster! He is a Cerebral Narcissist, and his profession is going to school so that and me are his supplies. I feel like a fool, understand what I have to do, but even when I go over his house to leave him, he “smells” my intentions like the dog he is.
    I am sorry this post is so long and please don’t judge my adultery, but I believe everyone knows how horrible the situation is!

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Sharon, welcome to my blog. I am not judging you and i do know how hard it is to leave a narcissist but i think I am confused. you said “but I realize now he is “making love” or “bonking” so he puts it himself” . I also feel so guilty I am cheating on this wonderful man.
      he is making love with who?
      and you can’t feel that guilty for cheating on your wonderful husband because you continue to do it.
      I don’t know what you are wanting from coming here? a secret magic remedy to walk away from a narcissist? Why did you start the affair? for sex or for love. You said you can leave your husband any time, why haven’t you?
      If you want to end it and save your marriage you just don’t go over to the N’s house any more. You go no contact and don’t see him any more. If you are in love with him it won’t be easy but eventually your husband is going to figure it out and you are going to get caught so you are going to have to make a decision sooner or later or it will be made for you.
      What did your therapist say?
      My only advice is concentrate on your marriage and reviving the sex with your husband and do yourself a big favor by walking away from the n.There is no easy way to do that.
      Good luck
      Carrie

      Like

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