Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

6,177 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Bob

    I guess if she wasn’t happy in the marriage, she fooled me, our kids and every one we know. There was no indication to me that something was wrong…ever. I asked her why she never said anything and her response was “Maybe I didn’t want to…..and that she never wanted to work on the marriage.” She told me she wished there was something she could point to that I did so she could blame me somehow..and of course she “is very sorry for all of the pain she has caused….but it is a decision she had to make and it is the right one for her.” I am sure she was keeping me holding on in case…just like you said. She remained affectionate with me right up until the end of December….so I was in complete shock. I have gotten through this on the strength of God and my faith in him. My kids have been awesome and this has pulled us together…so there is some good that has come out of it. I really believe she is in for a rude awakening at some point, I just hope its not devastating to her…..deep down I know she is a good person and she has been completely deceived…and has now become very good at deception herself.

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    1. Helen

      Hello Bob…I can relate to what has happened to you. Just reading what you have said sounds a bit like me in part. A fell for a Narc or someone like one. I knew mine for many years off and on. I knew there was something about him but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I had an affair with him 20 years ago believed all the rubbish he told me as in being with him and we would start a life together oh I was wrong. He stayed with his marriage and showed he was such a good husband and father as his wife had a terminal illness. I stayed with my marriage.
      Now two years ago I met up with him again. We spent 18 months just chatting had a meal or two and emailed a lot with him filling my head full of bluff. Half of me believed him the other I wasn’t listening. But as time past, my feelings came back and I decided I would go with him.
      Everything seemed great with us. I didn’t want an affair so told my husband I wanted a divorce he thought may be we need to talk but I told him there is someone else. So I moved out of the house and moved in with my mother and saw this other guy at week ends. Well it was a roller coaster ride my feeling were all over the place some times everything was nice then he ruined everything we were talking about, in other words he messed me about. So many times I cried as my emotions were all over the place. But again I went to him that weekend was lovely but then it was all ruined again the week after. We are finished now because he was getting fed up seeing me just by some comment he said and then he said to me that he needs a 6 month break as he wants to miss me and he has no emotion he said its all his fault not mine. After the 6 months are over he might want me. Well I was so angry and felt like a fool. I told him no way am I going to do that so I dumped him…he said I am glad you dumped me but if down the track I want to contact him. He makes no sense. Its just a big game. No way will I go through that again……But these men seem to have this attraction and you have this weakness.
      Yes your wife will get hurt, he will get sick of her once he has her. if not he will destroy her mentally. Can I ask you a question if your wife wakes up to her self and asks forgiveness and wants to come back, would you take her back.

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  2. Bob

    Yes, I think I would. We have had 22 really good years together and I still believe her to be the kind caring person I knew for all of that time. There would have to be alot of work(counseling) etc. but if she did come back to herself, I think our marriage would be stronger for having gone through this. I have prayed for her and about this situation alot…and I still have hope and believe she will get straightened out at some point. I think she will need me to help her recover and I don’t want to see her destroyed permanently by this guy.
    I am glad you were able to get out….and hope you are doing well now.

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    1. Helen

      Thank you Bob..you sound like a lovely man. I have been married 43 years. I know on my part if I was happy in my marriage I am sure I wouldn’t of done what I did. he was entertaining me I believe and not knowing sucking me in and I fell. I am hope my husband will want me back, but he has been hurt and he has pride as well. I think some work will be needed on our marriage.
      All the best to you.

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  3. Gina

    Hi there Carrie,

    I posted on this forum at the beginning of the year confused and unsure if my partner at the time was a narcissist. After 5&1/2 years with the man on May 20th this year I finally got the courage together and kicked him out!!!! I waited for him to leave the house and then locked the door and told him not to come back!!! I finished with him, called an end to the relationship and made it perfectly clear to him it was over, yet he still continues his abuse. Since he’s been gone such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m only beginning to actually see for real the amount of damage he’s caused me. Since he’s collected the last of his possessions I’m now able to go fully no contact. I’ve blocked his number from my phone, and unfriended him from fb. I’ve also culled anyone close to him from my fb page and phone list. I didn’t realise how important the no contact thing was. I like lots of others it seems, thought there might be a possibility of remaining friendly in the near or distant future. This is out of the question. Any little piece of information he has picked up in previous encounters (when he was collecting his stuff) has been used and embellished for his own purposes. The man is a pathological liar!!!! He’s been saying all sorts of awful things about me and making himself out to be the victim in the relationship. It really really hurts, that after everything he’s put me through he’s now making himself out to be the abused! Can you believe it??!! He’s told people that in the first couple of years of the relationship he thought I was going to kill him (?????) and that I used to try and stop him from seeing his kids (adult kids), also untrue. I used to give him money for petrol and train fare and lend him my car all so that he could go and see his kids. I’m really hurting and very shocked that he could say these things. I thought I knew him but it turns out that I know nothing. I want to shout from the rooftop to anyone who’ll listen that this man is toxic and a liar, but I know that won’t work in my favour. The only thing I can hope for is that he’ll move on to his next victim (and I feel awful for feeling this way as I wouldn’t wish the man on my worst enemy). Since he’s been gone I’ve been joining up a lot of dots on things I hadn’t really thought about before. You mentioned in one of your posts that a lot of your stuff was destroyed by J.C in the course of your relationship. I found that during the course of mine, items that I expressed a love of were either damaged or went missing. Of course, I can’t prove that he did it but my gut instinct is telling me this is the case. Is this usual? I’ve been trying to look up information on the internet about this kind of behaviour and your site is the only place that really mentions it. Is it a part of passive aggressive behaviour? I’d be interested to know if anyone else has had experience of this? To be honest Carrie, I feel like I’ve just escaped some kind of awful spiritual warfare. I know this sounds melodramatic and I don’t consider myself a religious person, but it really does feel like my very soul was in danger. I’ve never known anyone or any kind of behaviour like this and it truly scares me!

    Best regards,
    Gina

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Gina, welcome back! I am sorry you had/have to go through this but so happy to hear you finally got out and have gone no contact.
      As for the destroying your stuff, yes it is very common, and it is passive aggressive retaliation for some crime (real or imagined) of yours.
      By the time I left him I had absolutely nothing left of any keep sakes or possessions I had when I met him. Everything I own today has been acquired since leaving him. I have family photos but he even poured anti freeze on them (by accident of course)
      Why he did it varied I think. Like when he stole all my clothes,We had just been through another trauma of his making and he had professed his love for me and then that night all my clothes disappeared off the back of the truck (they were there because we were moving). Maybe it was just plain old control, because that night he drove to Value Village and said he needed to buy clothes. He knew I didn’t have any money and the only thing I had to wear was a sundress, not even a pair of panties. It was downright cruel. Sometimes, like when i refused to stay home from work to help him empty his semi trailer because his son and I had already emptied out everything we could lift in anticipation of this happening, I got punched in the head and then told to go to work it was fine. i came back and all my stuff that had been in the trailer was in the middle of a muddy field, it was raining, getting dark and he was hosing out his trailer right onto my stuff. The pictures was because I had packed up his stuff and moved it all outside on the covered deck because he refused to leave. I had emptied all my photos out of a rubbermaid container and put them in cardboard boxes so I could use them to put his stuff in so it didn’t get wrecked. My photos were in the shed and he said that he lifted a bottle of anti freeze and it just poured everywhere. All my jewelry got pawned so that was just for the money. But when he stole my son’s baby teeth and the gold bootie i got when my son was born, that was just when he told me to move out, he had had enough. I guess that was just a final blow. He didn’t want me to leave with anything, nothing, even stuff I had brought into the relationship that I had long before I met him. He would take all the cords for the phones and the computers so i couldn’t charge them without asking to borrow his. Sometimes I think he did it so he could be the hero and console me, which really irked me, but I would play along because it was better than another fight.
      After you split from them the lies they tell are unbelievable and so hurtful. I don’t know why they have to do that. it is as if you being a good person reflects badly on them. Or if you have anything they are losing somehow. And they will tell the lies to your face, stuff they did to you they are saying you did to them. I remember James telling me he didn’t want to meet me at the farm so I could get my stuff and i wanted closure; because he was afraid of what I would do. ME?!! I never did anything to him. It is terribly painful and there is nothing you can do about it except go no contact and try to avoid mutual friends who feel they MUST tell you how happy he is now and the lies he is telling. You don’t need to hear that shit and a true friend would not get such pleasure from telling you.
      All you can do is continue to live your life as you always have, honestly and know that his true colors will eventually show through and people will see that he is lying about you. Anyone who really knows you will not believe the lies.. Any revenge on your part or trying to defend yourself too adamantly only makes you look unstable,
      It is terribly unfair and painful. There is nothing you can do though, they all do it.
      Just know that you are on the road to recovery and we are here for you. You are not crazy, you are not the sick one and you don’t deserve it.
      Big hugs
      Carrie

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  4. Sad

    I can tell you …..two years later! I was at such a low place back then. I have blossomed as a human being. Beaten up and battered, I kno who I am now and his abuse didn’t ruin me. Stay strong and believe that all hapines in life is possible within yourself. Screw any memory of the N in your life. Thank you Carrie

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  5. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Sad, maybe you should change your username? You are welcome, I am just glad I have been able to help in any way and it sounds so good to hear another survivor say they made it through and found light at the end of the tunnel. Bless you.
    HUgs

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    1. kim

      hello rosi i just had a look but theres so much cloud here in england it must be beautiful thankyou for saying this i will have another look through the night as i am not sleeping having tough time hope youre doing well rosi xxx

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  6. Rosi

    Hi Kim, hope you had the chance to have a look in spite of clouds, eventually. I am doing better, thank you so much for your thought. I do hope you will be doing better as soon as possible too.
    Ciao

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Kim, it is normal to have tough times, between better times. I call them a Healing Crisis. We think we are doing pretty good, making progress and then bam we seem to be almost back where we started. I have read that it happens quite often when someone is healing from an abusive relationship and i certainly experienced it. Out of seemingly no where I would be hit with emotions as bad as when we first split and I would think “I am never going to heal!'” But what is happening is we have blocked a lot of the pain and not even known it. Our minds could only handle so much and shut down after a while. After we leave and start to heal, slowly our mind allows us to feel those buried feelings because we are strong enough to deal with them now. I had it happen 2-3 times, but every time it happened I felt so much lighter afterwards. Every time it happens is a sign that you are truly healing.
        Just go with it, you feel the feelings and acknowledge them, know that it means you are healing and just ride it out, it will pass.

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        1. kim

          thankyou carrie ive had a few bad run ins with him he seems to think its ok to go through my daughter i firmly said its not going to happen he also said if i changed he might fall in love with me again he said he wouldnt have to look for other women if i tried harder to go out with him more and do what he wants and when he wants i explained calmly that i will only ever be true to myself now and said he never thought about my feelings in the marriage and doesnt care about how much pain i am suffering i just explained very in control that his morals are not acceptable to me he also got annoyed because i didnt contact him so he could tell me about his problems he is the same old selfish man typical narc threatens he is moving away to live and he wont see me much well thats fine maybe i could heal better although theres a part of me that feels sad and dissapointed that he is like this and that i didnt mean more to him i was on the phone for long time i felt different this time a sort of acceptance on my part that i can never live up to his unreasonable demands i would love to be able to do things other people do but my illness is so disabling and now i know and have to accept i have limitations but want to get as well as i can i said to him by him bullying me achieved the opposite of what he wanted i he even said maybe i could be his special friend and still dressup for him at times what am i a prop they think completely of the wall i say to myself he has a mental disorder i domt feel so angry at the moment just trying to find who i am again he said he married me for my looks dont i know that now i will never let him control me again i have made it very clear to him i will remain in a calm state whilst dealing with him also for my daughters sake the poor thing is so worried when bin day comes i tried getting rid of some embarrassing leather items she looked through the bag in the garden i tried to stop her she found his coat and hid it in her room she wasnt annoyed i agreed with her i wouldnt throw other stuff out because she seemed a little distressed we let things go she said she understands i want to clear things out but asked me to not throw his things out she knows there were high boots in the bag she knows what went on with him making me wear things but we dont say anything its not for her to know everything we get on very well at the moment even through that episode its hard for her in the middle and i realise that she loves us both i think she prefers us being apart i want to be agood mother for her and teach her empathy for others and to always be herself in relationships and to stand up for herself if needed which she did recently she has a boss at work who sounds like a narc she did well in not letting her bully her i never want her to end up like me thankyou for listening to my rant you are right carrie i am starting to heal even though we go back and forth i am stronger in my mind if not in my body this place helps me the most thankyou xxx

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          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Kim, did you read my latest post on Shell Shocked? I was reading an article on the soldiers from WW1 and how thousands upon thousands of soldiers were diagnosed with Shell Shock or in todays terms, PTSD. They had symptoms ranging from blindness, going deaf, joint disorders, muscles disorders that made it impossible for them to walk straight, stomach issues, on top of all the usual symptoms like, emotional, sleepless, no appetite etc. I am not saying you do not have very serious health issues but I would bet money, (if I had any) that once you cut him out of your life completely your healthy issues will improve greatly! You can explain to him why you feel the way you do until the cows come home; he doesn’t care! it will change nothing. You are saying “I can not accept your lack of moral fibre” and he is thinking, “Yeah yeah, now go put on that sexy little number and the boots so I can pretend you are a hooker and get it up.” His “special friend” what an honor!! after how many years of marriage you get to be his “special friend”. if you want that kind of “friendship” you might as well go stand on a street corner and get paid for it.
            If you want to ever live a life with joy in it, where you are not in constant pain and suffering; you have to find a way to cut him out of your life. Your daughter is old enough to arrange to see him on her own if she wants. If she wants you to remain friends with him for her sake, too bad, for your health you need to cut him the hell out of your life. If she doesn’t understand ask her to give a few months, just spend a couple of months narc free and see how your health is. I bet you will notice such a drastic difference that you will never want to talk to him again and she will get off your back about it because having her mom healthy will be something she doesn’t want to sacrifice. It is either that or you remain sick and stressed the rest of your life and your daughter never gets to know the real you.
            You are right, you will never live up to his expectations because he keeps changing them, now you are not living up to his expectations of a special friend, you aren’t being the ex-wife he wants; you can do nothing right!! you can’t even be sick in a way he approves. You keep wanting him to understand why you are sick, why you don’t want to be his special friend, like if you can get him to understand you will have his approval or something.
            Listen to me; YOU did nothing wrong! your illness is not your fault, your reactions to his actions is normal, if not too understanding, (some women would have shot him by now) HE is the one who is sick and should be explaining himself and be so apologetic and embarrassed about how he has treated you and his sick expectations of you. But here you are trying to get him to understand why you feel the way you do. you are normal, he is sick. When normal people try to live in a sick world they get sick!! You have lived with dysfunction for so long, always trying to make it normal, your mind can not handle living so far from your core beliefs and moral code so your body makes you sick, so you have an excuse to not deal with his sickness. Does that make sense? I am not saying you will be cured, it is like my heart. it was brought on by the stress of living with James and the damage is done now, I have to live with it the rest of my life. But had I stayed with him I would be dead now I am sure.
            Stop explaining, you do not need his approval. You need nothing he has to offer. There is this huge big bright light………just a few more steps down this dark tunnel and you will see it, believe me it is there!!

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            1. kim

              carrie thankyou you are so right i have nothing to offer this man anymore and i am going to not try and make him understand anymore when i think about it rationally and i am away from him your words are so true i must stop looking for his approval he is the one who should be apologising for the way hes treated me bullying a ill woman i havent had any apologies just excuses that hes been stressed it is still all about them what they can get im finally realising deep inside these things with your help and insight thankyou for helping me realise this when youve been with them so long it becomes normality but it isnt normal they have no empathy they are selfish and try any way they can to get what they want looking from the outside its so clear they have the insecurities and problem they are like overgrown toddlers maybe thats how we should think of them it doesnt seem so sinister i will ask my doctor if he thinks i have ptsd i think we all do to some extent who wouldnt after what weve all been through thanks again carrie xxx

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  7. cjhouser

    Carrie..AMEN! I was always healthy ,never sick and never had to take medication. After I met and married my EX narc I was going to the heart doctor, stomach doctor, regular doctor and counselers…after I left and moved all of my systems are gone. I am back to my healthy self and feeling fine . It’s like they are slowly trying to kill you as well as make you crazy. She needs to go NC like you said and I bet she will fell better. They are sick,sick people!
    Take care
    Jean or cj

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    1. kim

      thankyou jean for giving me hope i might feel better they think my fibromyalgia was caused by a virus had it for 18yrs plus they dont think it will go as ive had it so long but im sure the stress made it worse of having to be something i couldnt he didnt like me resting when i have severe attacks i think this added to the feeling itwas my fault somehow that i was ill i have a problem with excepting i need to rest in the marriage it was like a type of torture to feel guilty for resting cant relax naturally without medicine i hope one day i can thankyou for the hope and im so glad you are feeling better without him xxx

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  8. Gayle McElhanon

    To Kim:
    Hey Kim, One thing I forgot to mention in my last communication about your on again off again “yo, yo” situation, DOUBLE MESSAGES! If you google it this is also known as a Double Bind, however, I don’t think Double Bind quite fits. Double Messages are narcisstic abuse, and this is the way a narcissists screws you head up. Being told you are the love of someone’s life, and the next minute they dump you like yesterday’s garbage. It’s playing sick, cruel games with people like they are big, plastic dolls. You are not a real human being, just plastic doll they play with. Normal people want to be considered sexy, attractive, and valued, the sociopath knows this, thus we see the comments, “your the love of my life, I can’t live without you.” It’s a double message intended to hook you and keep you dangling.

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  9. bernadette68

    Carrie,

    Thank you so much for creating this blog. After a 3.5 year relationship with a true Narcissist, it truly helps to read blogs like yours. As you know, when you finally get out of the relationship, you are all but convinced that you are the “crazy” one. Reading your entries and other people’s comments is so helpful with reaffirming “reality.” Again, thank you. After I initiated numerous break-ups over the last few years with MDP–typically after his “Good Self” gave way to the emotionally and verbally abusive Self, I decided to let him do the breaking up in January. I figured he would actually stay away, if he felt that he, was the one ending it. Not true. He wanted to end it by dating other people for 3 months. However, he obviously didn’t find a primary source of supply in that time, so back he came. I had re-built my self-esteem enough to refuse, and had already blocked him from every technological device I had. He has continued to stalk by creating new e-mail addresses to contact me, coming by my house, and interrogating other people for information about me. Like you, I have always been considered a strong and independent woman who would have never taken the horrible verbal and emotional abuse that I did with this Narcissist. No doubt, they cast a spell in the beginning, and then re-cast it every time they come back to get their “fix.” My eyes are completely opened now, and my resolve is absolute. Reading Malignant Self-Love gave me the understanding, and even the compassion I needed to understand that the Narcissist is really a sad and tortured soul who honestly can’t help who he is or what he does. Therapy, drugs, nothing can help the Narcissist. The only–and I mean only–solution to dealing with one is to love and value yourself enough to walk away and never look back. After you do, allow yourself the time you need to heal from the abuse, as well as the time you need to remember who you are. Narcissists will not change, nor will they every be able to love anyone, including themselves. I prayed in January, that MDP would find someone else quickly–a new source of supply so that I could live and be myself again, but I just couldn’t pray that prayer. I wouldn’t wish that hell on anyone.

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