Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

5,357 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Carrie I just wanted to leave you a message to say.. well firstly how do I comment on your posts?? Haha probably really obvious but common sense can slip by the way side with me at times! ;)
    I’ve been super busy but you are each always in my thoughts and I hope to find the time to visit here more often again. I have secured a permanent full time post with current job (agency before) so I’m super happy! :) On that note my reasoning for leaving a comment (would write more but short of time) is to say I hope with all my heart you secure this job Carrie that you mentioned in a post recently. :) Am sorry to learn you have been through more upheaval though. Makes me wonder why so many kind and good hearted people seem to get the wrath more than those less kind? :(
    Anyway just wanted to send love and hugs to each of you from across the puddle. Whatever your current situation you will move past this trauma. It takes time and much introspection for me, but am forever grateful for this website and to Carrie. :)
    Thinking of you all from across the puddle. X x x x x

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    1. Tifa, thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I am so happy to hear you are doing well! I love to hear that from people and so thankful I was able to help in any way.
      how do you comment? there should be a comment spot at the bottom of the post right under where it says “Don’t be shy, add your comments” lol
      That’s ok I have those “blonde” ,moments myself! and I am blonde so no one give me crap for stereotyping blondes LOL
      I am sure everything will work out as it should with time. I went to the head of the funding committee yesterday and he had a totally different story. He blamed it all on the worker, a rousing game of “pass the buck” . My worker told me I had to see him so I waited 2 weeks for an appointment with him and he told me I shouldn’t be seeing him it was up to my worker. My worker told me I had been declined and he told me I am really close to being approved. I told him I am very frustrated and feel like I am being sent on wild goose chases only to hit another brick wall.
      He apologized and sent me back to my worker.
      So there isn’t anything evil about it, just plain old incompetence.
      Thanks again for taking the time to stop and wish me well I truly appreciate it!!
      Hugs and love to you across the puddle!! xxxooo

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  2. Bless you Carrie. Am pleased to hear that things seem to be moving forward for yourself and that they may have finally figured things out with funding etc. But frustrating nonetheless to have to have gone through all that nonsense.
    I do also hope you are feeling much better with your health. I know it’s perhaps not all N related but I remember how rotten (to say the least) I felt when with my N. The hallucinations were the most pressing for me. I now support some people who experience these, namely as a result of extreme trauma/stress. They are young also and initially can’t comprehend why they have days when they think the house is burning for example, that people are calling them names when they’re not. So very sad. More often than not the main trigger for much of these young people’s symptoms is due to domestic violence issues. :( That they have been witness to certain things when young. But I feel blessed to work within a multidisciplinary team who work to help dissipate such concerns. I hope with all my heart that you secure a job in a similar field like the one you mentioned. You have helped so many individuals Carrie and I know how amazing you would be to branch your knowledge and experiencing to an even wider community. :) I found this website by chance, and what a blessing! Few still understand the nature of NPD etc. I signposted and supported a young woman who had been in an abusive relationship and was experiencing PTSD, to the notion of trauma bonding etc. She had been receiving treatment for years and never known of this. And now reports that having such understanding has been paramount to aiding her wellbeing. :)
    Anyway here I go rambling. Haha and thanks for telling me how to leave a comment on posts! ;) I really do wonder some days where my common sense has gone lol. :) But just makes daily living a little bit more fun! ;)
    Have a great weekend. :)
    Love and hugs from across a freezing puddle lol. X x x x x x x

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  3. ellie, I clearly stated they cannot be cured so unless people come to this conclusion and acceptance then they will not move on, and there are those who won’t anyway. If you don’t think someone who lacks conscience is “disabled” then you might want to do further research. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but only gives further insight for the purpose of empowerment. My thoughts and words are not to misdirect or misguide anyone. It was a knowledge that was helpful to me for detachment that I wanted to share with others. Unfortunately, narcissist will be taken out of the DSM-V because there is no clear definition of a separate disorder or treatment plan in accordance thus, making them incurable. The term will fall under psychopath and sociopath who are also incurable. If someone chooses to be with someone who lacks conscience because they are disabled would not be my doing.

    This may be helpful in further explanation. Quantum physics teaches us there is no such thing as cold. Only the absence of heat. It also teaches us there is no such thing as darkness. Only the lack of light. I believe this defines the same thing about evil. It’s the lack of love. And love does not cure narcissism, psycho or sociopaths. This information helped me take my focus away from the narc and not take it personal to keep relieving the trauma. I hope this for you and others.

    Best Wishes

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  4. Urggghh! This has been painful to read today. I haven’t been here all week and when the alerts were coming across my email I had to see what was happening. I hope you will not mind if I add some comments. I know we are all coming from different places in our personal experiences and in different stages of recovering.

    I have been trying to push my self through a crash course of healing. I know this can’t really be rushed, but I am working extra hard because I hate pain, and this pain is indescribably horrific and I just want it to stop ruining so many days, and two because I am pretty well advanced in age, and would like to find lasting peace and joy before I leave this plane of existence, and lastly because everyone around me has pulled back and just seem to have made a pact to avoid me until I come out the other end of this dark tunnel.

    So I read a lot, go to counseling, hang out places like this, listen to you tube videos by narcissist experts and talk to a couple people here and there who have gone through some of the same things. My moods and attitudes swing wildly. I got a job offer for a great job I really wanted a few days ago. Hooray! And then I was informed they didn’t want me to start until July. Really? I literally fell apart. All the bravado and positive attitudes and trust in God that I had mustered up during the weeks since Christmas simply got sucked right into a dark hole, leaving me by nightfall on the sofa in a sniffling ball, so angry that my ex had reduced me to this and yet so much more angry that I had not prevented all this from happening by seeing the truth decades earlier. Will these pity parties ever end?

    So anyways, as I am reading these painful recent comments, I can honestly say I have felt and said almost every single thing that has been said by every poster posting here today. It is very easy to see why people here have gotten hurt and offended. After so many years of having my feelings mocked and minimized I am super sensitive. When people tell me I shouldn’t feel something now it really can piss me off…..I mean I lost my home, my family, my business, most of my sanity and all of my allusions….for God sakes don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel what I am feeling.

    My feelings scare my children, they annoy my friends, and they are incomprehensible to my sisters. But I get them anyhow. I know in a few hours I may not feel them the same. I know they are very different from what they were a month ago and six months ago. I look forward to hopefully feeling different next week even. But I have not gotten to the place yet where I can really control them well. I am not to the point where I have stopped trying to understand why he did these things to me, I have not gotten to the place where I no longer miss the hope Carrie talks about missing. I hate to admit it but I do still miss the busyness of the dramas and the little things that were pleasant in my old life and in our bad marriage.

    Because he never tried to kill me, never got physically violent with me except for a slight push and the time he tossed keys at my head and missed, one as a newlywed and one halfway into our marriage and 16 years ago, I can tell you that I for one, can not share your experiences of seeing him as pure evil, all the time, demonic, never to be forgiven or pitied.

    I have been reading about the shrunken amygdala and frontal cortexes of narcissists. They do have 15 % less brain matter in the areas where empathy resides. There is greatly reduced activity in these areas of their brains when they are shown distressing scenes that light up healthy peoples brains when they see the same pictures.

    Reading this information about their physical brain differences gave me a bit of peace last week. Not because I am running back to that nightmare of a man, not because I feel any hope, but because it means it really wasn’t me. There really was nothing more I could have done. Hell, maybe there wasn’t even anything he could have done. Maybe his brain has trapped him into a virus like existence. Maybe he has no soul. Maybe he honestly can’t understand why people hold him responsible for his actions. I dunno….and it only matters because it only changes one thing. That thing is the amount of disappointment I carry in myself for failing in my marriage.

    I know I need to forgive him so I can move on, so I can keep from growing bitter, so I can live the kind of life I want to. My love for him was true. I know he is incapable of real love, real contentment, and real peace. Yes I saw that snide smirk of joy he got when he reduced me to a sobbing heap or a shrieking banshee, but that thrill was gone for him before he ate his next meal. I know he never had a restless night, never lost a minutes sleep, and never had any pangs of regret. But, I also know he had nothing personal to say as he gave his daughters away in marriage, no legitimate feelings of admiration or joy to share with quests when he toasted our children with the traditional father of the bride toast. It just isn’t there for him.

    It makes me re-think how much I hate the grief I’m working through. In fact it makes me glad to know I cared, I am human, I love, I cry, I connect. Yes I pity him. Yes he is disadvantaged mentally. No I won’t go back and I am not making excuses for him.

    I will move on, feeling my way through this dark tunnel of recovery. Sometimes people like the ones on this blog may leave me a handhold to help me move forward a few steps, sometimes a well meaning neighbor might trip me up with her words, and sometimes my own weariness will just land me on my face for a while. But I pray that in my pain I will not hurt others. Hurting people hurt others…it is a fact…today maybe a lot of us are hurting.

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    1. Tracey, that was a beautiful heartfelt comment, thank you.
      I understand the pain, and believe me! it took me a long time and much soul searching to get where I am today. I do not remember when I stopped missing the hope but I know I was still missing it a year and 1/2 after leaving him (or being discarded) I know how uncomfortable the pain is, I can totally relate to the disappointment you felt over the job. God I don’t know how many times I had a total meltdown over something I logically knew was not worth that kind of reaction. I was short tempered, emotional, sensitive, I was easily overwhelmed with the smallest of problems, I catastrophied everything, worried about things that might never happen and all I could think about was the N. my moods could change from minute to minute, my dog needing to go pee could put me in tears because it seemed like such an inconvenience. I would agree to go somewhere and think of some reason I couldn’t go at the last minute. I was a total and complete mess. It is called PTSD. You were living with your emotions heightened for so long you are in overload mode.

      While in the relationship you had to keep your emotions in check to some degree, I am sure you were told that your emotions were the cause of the problems, if you hadn’t gotten angry if you didn’t cry all the time etc everything would be great. I know by the end of the relationship I was numb, I tolerated things that I never would have before or since but I knew to react was going to do no good and I felt I had made my bed, this was just the way things were and I had accepted this is my life. I love him so I will tolerate it and enjoy the good times when they happen. I never would have left on my own, I only left because he made it impossible for me to stay and his sister opened my eyes to what the truth was.

      once I left I could not believe the emotions that flooded me, but that comes from burying them, I thought I was handling them at the time when I was in the relationship but I realized after leaving I had just buried them and now they were all flooding out and I felt totally out of control.

      People do distance themselves from someone who is a basket case because they don’t understand and they feel uncomfortable because they don’t know how to make you feel better. I was lucky, I had JC’s sister to talk to because she had lived with us and she could keep me grounded and remind me of all the times he hurt me and the crazy shit he did. She lived with us the last 4 months of the relationship and I was amazed at all the stuff I had forgotten or blocked from my mind and she would remind me and then I would remember and stop blaming myself.

      I did act crazy with him at times, but then when his sister lived with us I saw how crazy he made her too. It wasn’t just me, I did not cause it. but once I was away from him of course the self doubt came back and I needed someone to remind me that it wasn’t just me. same as I would read something and feel so much better for an hour, or a day but then the next day feel just as shitty as the day before. If you ever find something that really helps you print it off and read it every day to remind yourself. When you read something and you find yourself thinking OMG that is just like my ex, save it and read it over and over.

      I can still remember good times with my ex, I remember people telling me I should hate him and I just couldn’t, even after I started the blog, people would come in here and tell me I should hate him. I couldn’t, and it made me feel like a failure or there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t hate him. I don’t think I ever did hate him. I still don’t hate him. I don’t feel anything towards him now, not hate and not love but I can remember loving him and damn it, it felt wonderful to love him. I loved loving him even when I knew he did not love me. I remember thinking quite early in the relationship that I didn’t care if he didn’t love me as much as I loved him (at the beginning of the relationship I thought he loved me more than I loved him) as long as I could continue to love him and be with him I could survive anything, I would be happy just loving him. And in the whole 10 years we were together there was not one day I wasn’t happy to see his car pull in the driveway, there was not one time he wanted sex that I didn’t want to make love with him.

      I can still get a smile on my face remembering some romantic time we had, how I would get butterflies in my stomach every time he touched me. We had some really fun times together, it was NOT all bad!! Eventually the bad far outweighed the good and I was very unhappy most of the time but like I said I had shut my feelings off for the most part and resigned myself to that life.

      For me, I could not live with hate in my heart all the time, for a man I loved with my whole being. for me I decided that I didn’t have to stop loving him, I could love him all I wanted, I just could not be with him, I could not fix him. Yes I was hurting but I allowed myself to hurt, I had every right to hurt and no one can take that away from you, even you. You earned that hurt and the hurt paves the way for the healing. I have never forgiven my ex, he didn’t ask for it, he doesn’t want it and I don’t feel it. He did unspeakable mean cruel things to me, like you he destroyed everything in my life and left me destitute, sometimes I don’t think forgiveness has to be given. To me forgiveness meant being able to ever be in his company and be nice to him. Forgiveness to me means you let bygones be bygones and even if you can’t be lovers you can be friends and there is no way he can be in my life at all. So how can I say I forgive him if I would cross the street if I saw him coming? i believe he is evil and dangerous, but I still loved him at one time and I remember that love fondly.

      Now when talking to a bunch of women about men I can relate stories about things that happened with James as matter of factly as i talk about any of my ex’s and it is not all bad. James was extremely intelligent, very funny, I found his extremely sexy and he was very talented in many many ways. If he would not have been a narcissist he would have been an exceptional human being, everyone loved him when they first met him. I enjoyed spending time with him even when things were bad we usually still had good time when we were together. That sounds like a contradiction and I suppose it is but it is the truth and what made it so hard to leave.

      Some people can only deal with it by hating their ex but i could never do that, maybe it took me longer to heal because of that, I don’t know. All I know is I had to heal my way and what ever got me through was good enough because it got me through. I needed facts in order to deal with it. And that is what I try to present here, the facts and tips on what works and what doesn’t work but no one can tell another person how they should heal. Many people don’t agree with the way I healed but it worked for me.

      I did a lot of soul searching too. To just call the N evil and hate him does not help you in the future. In order to be happy and perhaps ever love again without fear of falling for another N you have to look within.

      We can never control other people, as much as we can try to change someone we can only change ourselves and the N of the world are so good at morphing into the man we need and will love that if we rely on knowing how to identify a narcissist we are doomed to repeat history.

      The only way you are going to find true happiness, peace and true love is to work on yourself. That is when I experienced full healing and inner peace. You are at the perfect place in your life to experience a rebirth and personal growth not everyone has the opportunity to experience. There are many posts on it throughout the blog if you click on the Self discovery and self Improvement categories. It is not the victims fault for falling in love with a narcissist but there are reasons you stayed and they are different for every victim. Please take some time to work on yourself, I am not saying you are flawed, i am saying you are probably believing things about yourself that you were told years ago that were never yours to pack. Get to know yourself and love yourself, you are in pieces, you don’t feel like yourself, the N said you were too this or too that, friends are telling you that you shouldn’t feel this or that. The reason you feel so uncertain so anxious is because you don’t know who you are any more. You are not the person you were and you will never be that person again but maybe you shouldn’t be that person, instead of trying to be the person you used to be, try to find the best you, the one you are meant to be. Turn this into a growth learning experience. You don’t have anything better to do, do you?

      for example I have always been told I am too sensitive: I looked at that, and I have to admit that I am a very sensitive person, always have been and always will be, to try to be something else is insane. so I accept that about myself and I realize that if a person is aware enough to tell me that I am too sensitive then maybe they should watch how they talk to me. If someone knows I am sensitive but continues to do things that hurt me then I need to leave the relationship because they obviously don’t give a shit about me. It does not mean I am flawed it means they are insensitive and even knowing their actions hurt me they continue to hurt me. I have to have enough confidence and believe in myself enough to walk away when someone doesn’t take my feelings into consideration.

      This has gone on way too long and I have spent my whole morning in here and it is a sunny day and the dog needs a walk. so I will go.

      I hope you are feeling better today. If nothing else today, step outside, take several deep breaths, look around you and find something beautiful, there is always something in nature that can take your breath away. You are alive, you are strong and you are beautiful, there is no hurry to heal, there is no finish line to being the best you can be. there is no finish line to healing. I am as healed as I can be, I think but I am sure there is more to come and I am a work in progress and hope i always heal and get better until the day I die,
      Give yourself a break, stop pushing yourself to heal, relax, it will happen, pushing yourself will actually slow you down.
      Hugs

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      1. Carrie,
        Thank you for the encouraging reply. It is amazing to me to read so many things you said you did or felt that I also did or felt. I wish we were in the same town as it would be nice to sit with coffees and visit. There are so many things I may never be able to make sense of, but finding out someone else experienced them does help me to know I am not crazy or I am in good company if we are!

        Like you, I did think he loved me more than I loved him in the beginning. I worried about that a lot during the early days. We did enjoy a lot of things together and have fun times right up until I made a decision I had to file to save myself. My counselor did surprise me last week when she suggested I was experiencing PTSD. Like you, I did think I made my own bed and had to stay there, (for decades in my case). I too would still be there today if not for his flaunting her under my nose and ruining me financially and the physical toll that the anxiety began to wreak on my body and spirit.

        I think about the best I will ever be able to achieve as far as forgiveness goes is that I get to some point where I no longer wish to see him punished for these things, where I don’t want retribution, where I just want to move along on my happy way and never look back, and never ask why again. I feel like if I can get to that point then I would have so much more energy for just me to just live and breathe a lighter and more carefree life. I am certainly not there yet.

        You have so many great blog articles here that can help me get to that better place. I don’t know where to start when I come here, but somehow I always seem to find the perfect topic just when I need it. I have plenty of time to work on myself these days, that is for sure. One sorry thing I have discovered about myself is that it was a hell of a lot more fun to try and figure out what the heck was wrong with him than it is to try to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

        When I do figure something new out, it is shocking to see how pervasive some of my messed up thinking is. For example, last week I was complaining to my counselor about something my daughter texted me that seemed unkind. My counselor said, “Sometimes things happen to us that really have nothing to do with us.” Boy was she right! Since then I have been horrified to see how many times a day something random happens like a car cuts me off, or a person interrupts me, or the dog just looks at me wrong…haha…and I feel like it’s about me when it probably isn’t at all. Being aware and changing this single attitude problem is going to improve my life so much.

        So yes there is hope, hope for me, hope for healing, hope for health and hope for greater happiness. For the first time in my life I am hoping for things I actually have some control over, things that really have a chance of happening. Now that is something to smile about!

        Thanks again for all the encouragement and wisdom you share. Have a very blessed week!

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  5. I typed a full accalaid to Tracey for her great word choice n a sympathy for those misunderstood but it was all deleted somehow. I think we all just need to be sensitive we are all at diff levela in recovery n the nature of someone who ends a N relationship is somewhat defensive n fearful of being further manipulated. We have to watch our tone n even be mindful of sounding like a know it all bcus every situation is diff even tho the N remains the same. I think evry post has an intention to help n thats what we must remember. MARK n all keep ur head up n do whatever it takes to stay GONE from ur N.

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  6. Carrie,

    That is exactly what I was trying to say the other day… that we are all different and have different views and opinions on narcissism. Narcissism is a disorder that is not well understood as supposedly only 1% of the population has it. So we can all have our own opinions and theories and it is OK to respectfully disagree with one another and discuss it. Hopefully a productive conversation will benefit all.

    As far as the Mark situation goes, I will only speak for myself. I tried to express to Mark and Ellie that I understood both of their points. I made several encouraging comments to Mark. I wanted Mark to stay and I said that. However, he stated he would be leaving the blog so I thought that was it. I directed my comment towards Ellie and specifically stated I was not talking about Mark at all. He then came back on the blog and attacked me calling me as “destructive as them”. Two wrongs do not make a right. I was not talking to or about Mark and made that clear. I just thought of something interesting and wanted to share it with the group. I thought it was an interesting analogy, a person trying to outrun a train and a person who goes back into a relationship with a narcissist. Heck, I went back too! So I am the last person to judge another victim. I realize that at that point emotions may have been running high. I really don’t take things too personal and I realize Mark may have been hurting and lashing out. So at that point with him making direct personal attacks, calling me “destructive” and Ellie “as sick as a narc” I suggested that he do what he said he was going to do repeatedly and take a break from the blog. It had deteriorated into name calling at that point and one thing I have never seen, as long as I have been coming here, is name calling and things of that sort. This is a better blog than that. We can disagree but we don’t have to name call and be disrespectful to one another. I hope I was not out of line in saying that. I understand this is your blog Carrie, and I do respect that.

    I can see both sides. Yes, a narcissist cannot love, cannot feel empathy, remorse, or compassion, so in a way they are disabled. However, according to the DSM-5 narcissism is a personality disorder, not a disability. According to Webster’s dictionary, “disabled” means “incapacitated by illness or injury; physically or mentally impaired in a way that substantially limits activity especially in relation to employment or education.” Narcissists thrive in our society. They are the CEOs and managers within corporations, the politicians, the celebrities, etc… They are not incapacitated or limited within our society. On the contrary, they thrive by standing on the backs of others. That is why it is difficult for me to consider them “disabled” per se. Narcissists go very far in our society and reach heights that can scarcely be imagined by the rest of us because they are willing to do anything to get what they want. Their destructive ways cause their relationships to end, but that’s OK, because they get rid of one mate and simply trade that person in for another. Its not that they actually miss that person or care that they are gone. One form of narcissistic supply is no different from another to them. If anything it is their victim that becomes “disabled”. Just look at all the members here, still struggling to put their broken lives back together. Narcissists often go throughout their entire lives never realizing the damage and hurt they have caused. And they often have no consequences. They continue to merrily skip down the yellow brick road, leaving a trail of stinky shit behind them (pardon my French). So I have a hard time putting a narcissist in the same category as a blind person or a person with down syndrome. A blind person or someone with down syndrome’s life is going to be made significantly more difficult due to their disability… whereas a narcissist’s “disability” will cause them to thrive because they are not bound by the societal norms and human decency that the rest of us adhere to. Working with the disabled population day in and day out, I just don’t see it…

    However, I do agree that as long as we come to the same conclusion, to stay away… That is what is important. What heals one person is different from what heals another. As long as we are both healed. We just have different journeys as to how we get there.

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  7. I’m in the exact same place Carrie. I don’t have the energy to hate. It’s all consuming. I will hold onto the beautiful and fond memories, they were real to me, but I will have to grieve what was not. I remember crying for two months straight last summer over another break up after I proposed. I realize now it was just another devaluation stage. I grew addicted to the pain just as much as adored her “love.” I will forgive for me. I am coming to the understanding they not know what they do. They have no other way to function. It’s truly pitiful and saddening in my eyes. But I am human and know how to feel and this is okay. I will not be ashamed of it because they don’t. Hate is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die. I still wish I could “fix” her, but fully understand she is not curable. It helps me move on. It helps me let go of a dream and begin to grieve and heal. Than you so much for sharing so much and of yourself. It has really helped me on my journey with someone who can understand. This is for you. Another song by Adele. :) Yes, I believe she was in love with a narc as well. I can love the pain as long as I need to. At least I can feel and unfortunately it’s what these people have to mimic. How could you not have pity? Enjoy your Sunday, and know someone loves you from the States. You’re a Godsend. Everything will be okay. Thank you.

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  8. A word to the wise to those of you considering going back. They always come on stronger than before. Arm yourselves with the new knowledge you’ve gain to not let them or they will continue to haunt and destroy you for the rest of your life. My heartfelt best wishes go out to all.

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  9. Dont’nt be afraid of the anger and hate you feel towards the narc, I have been told to “forgive?” No way I can forgive a so- called being that wanted to destroy me and my soul.
    Never go back – to the horror – they really enjoy destroying other people who do really have a soul. I can feel your anger Mark – that is normal for us to relate too. The questions – why did they do that? If I would have tried differently? The blame they put on us? Your head goes round and round…….. They live in a constant turmoil of trying to get one over on us and planning their next move to destroy and gain for them. I had no boundries and had suffered for this a hundred-fold – Don’nt be annoyed at Ellie. She is always here to help. Think you may be very angry at the present time – I relate this this. Because you have been dealing with a non-person, a vile, evil, creature. Until you get your head around this it will be hard to move on. Do you think she is thinking about you – sorry, onto the next dupe. Be comforted in the fact that they will never be happy – always striving for their wants and have no love for anyone because the are empty vessels – Be glad to be rid – I know it is hard but really do you want to have this lying, cheat in your life? I know now I am a lot more worth and more boundries in my life but it came with a costl
    Good Karma

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  10. Thanks for the words of encouragement marrohop. I don’t know how far narcissism goes back, but if anyone would like a clear picture read Charles Dickson’s novel; Great Expectations or rent the move with Ethan Hawk and Gweneth Paltrow. I find it quite odd because he is one of my favorite authors and it’s one of my favorite reads. Maybe he had an experience with a narc that inspired his novel. Apparently I was lined up for this long ago. Narcissism probably goes back to the garden of eden, but I refuse to let the “devil” have power over me. I believe the more you resist, the more it will persist. I believe acceptance is the only way to truly break free. I refuse to engage into a battle with the beast. It serves no purpose and only ensnares one further. Why hand over your power instead of just acknowledging and moving forward? This is a power within ourselves far greater than giving our power over to an entity that is not tangible. Yes they are “evil” but I am not going to let that run my life any longer. Much like Carrie, until I understood she is uncurable I was still holding onto hope that in some way I could help and love her enough to fix her. I even researched treatments, how and if they can be cured. Once I realized this is not possible is when it all came to an end and the healing begins. However, I refuse to remain in bitterness and resentment. This is where they remain in our subconscious. I have no sympathy. Sympathy simply means that you can relate in some kind of level of understanding. This is not possible with these people. Pity is the only true gracious feeling you can have for forgiving and healing.

    However, I am surprised by Claire’s statement that their victims are disabled but narcs are not. This is contradictory to everything that was stated. Again, I am stating I have no sympathy for these sick people, but I strongly believe unless you are going to understand they are incurable and really have no choice then you will remain in hatred which keeps you connected. Comparing them to celebrities and CEOs just gives them a grandeur perspective. However, new statistics show that 16 to 25% of the population are narcissistic which is not so much misunderstood in the sick society we live in today. It’s not the 1% quoted. The 1% are the ones who go on to murder. (serial killers) Narcissist will be taken out of the DSM because they fall under two categories; pyscho and sociopath. To clearly define; Psychopaths get off on causing pain to others. They are sadistic by nature, meaning they were born this way much like someone disabled by some form of “disablement.” Sociopaths were “created” by some sort of trauma or abuse in early early development. Both lack conscious. However, narcs usually fall under the sociopath definition or you would be dead. This doesn’t mean they don’t derives pleasure by hurting you. They simply have separated from their true self, and emerged into a false self for “survival” caused by early childhood trauma. The false self has taken control to protect the true self from being further damaged. Therefore the lack of conscious about how they operate for “supply” to compensate for what they lack, and are malignant thus making them disabled to feel guilt, sorrow or empathy.

    In closing, we are all in the same boat. Dealing with narcs is something beyond our understanding as normal functioning human behavior. This is what sends us into such a whirl. Please be kind, understanding and gentle with other people’s views, feelings and journeys. Her mother had numerous narc characteristics. This led med to believe poor parenting and sexual abuse was the cause. I loved her more to compensate. I believe this compassion is where they get their hooks in. There is no need for debate. We all need to stand together in support to share our stories and how to overcome and save others from this insidious and horrific abuse.

    Brightest Blessings

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  11. Claire, I understand what you are saying and you make sense but I don’t think Mark meant to imply people with downs syndrome are like narcissists in anyway. Downs people are known for being extremely loving and compassionate people. I think he only meant being a N is no more a choice than being downs syndrome is a choice.

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  12. Claire, thank you for the compassionate comment to Mark, you are right. we all have our own way of viewing the N, for me to see JC as disabled did not make me well up with pity for him. What kept me in the relationship for so long was pity a lot of the time because he just seemed so ill equipped to function in the world, lacking in social skills and I thought I could teach him how to treat other people properly and how to love someone by showing him unconditional love but as soon as I found out he was born this way and he could not ever be fixed, he simply does not have the brain parts to ever feel empathy then I was able to walk away and stop blaming myself.
    It may sound cold hearted of me but many years ago there was a man with Downs Syndrome who lived across the street from us (I was a teenager so it was many many years ago) He fell in love with me, he would come over and visit whenever I was outside, especially if I was in short and working in the yard. My father had worked in a mental institution and he warned me to never let Larry in the house if I was alone and to be very careful to not ever let Larry think I loved him back. Because he had the same sexual urges as “normal” people and was very caring and loving but also a full grown man quite capable of overpowering me and not with the intelligence to necessarily understand his sexual advances were unwelcome.
    Just because I felt sorry for Larry I did not start dating him. I was nice to him but I was very careful to not give him any signals that I returned feelings of love. I did not feel it was my duty to “save” Larry or be with him because he was disabled.
    If someone hears a narcissist is disabled and that compels them to stay with the Narc then they have severe emotional problems they need to address.
    People who have never see a tornado might stare at wonder to see this thing coming at them from a distance and not know to run but after the first time, if they survive; they will run as fast as they can to get away. Same with a narcissist, the victim may stare in wonder and stick around because they are an awesome site, until the victim experiences the full destruction and then they are left wondering what happened to them. Once they find out they also run.

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  13. Thank you again for your words of encouragement. I enjoy the challenge too. I see this as an opportunity to better myself as well. Everything happens for a reason Carrie, thus your blog. Thank you for it. You have helped thousands! :) Give yourself a pat on the back! You’re wonderful, amazing and resilient. Thank you. :) Please don’t take the blogs personally. Everyone is is on their own journey so I’m sure there will be dissident. Rest assured everything will be worked out according to God’s plan and in accordance.

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