Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

6,849 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. narcor just ass

    Em – I still think that you have the upper hand because you called him out for what he was and then blocked him, your still good. What he was probably looking for were the typical desperate questions that would naturally come from that situation in any relationship. He wanted you to want to stay, maybe even giving in to him dating another girl and you stick around in the hopes he comes back, just so he can control you even more and have someone there to use “triangulation” on and just your basic narcissistic torture plays. he told you about the other girl, and you didn’t give him anything. Then he came back and you told him what he was…a liar and then shut him out. You blocked him. How do you know he texted you again after that? Does email or text tell you that? But anyway, yep, I’m still holding my ground that you are the one with the upper hand this time. But….don’t go back again. You need to heal, then get yourself on a dating site and start seeing what else is out there. But heal yourself first.
    Go read about triangulation online…I read about it on narcissistic tactics (all smoke and mirrors). It is amazing that I am STILL learning that there was no insecurity that I had with him that wasn’t put there on purpose by him. He knew exactly what he was doing.
    My suggestion, when you get down, or miss him, or miss what you had, or weak on any level, go read about narcissism, It helps me to realize that what I’m missing was never there. it helps, it just does.

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  2. Em

    You are spot on just ass, not kidding.. It’s like you know my situation lol… He certainly still wanted me hanging, asking questions, like I would have once prob asked who it was? Do I know them? He would have loved that…But I did not.. I did call him out and block.. I could tell he was messaging as it was whatsapp.. He’s gone off all my contacts now.. So pleased I’m out of the cruellest game ever.. thank you for listening, you are spot on…. It’s nice to feel free and starting to feel happy, xxx

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  3. jacqueline8888

    Hello. I havent been on here for a long while. I continue to struggle with getting away from the person i believe to have a narcissistic personality disorder. Ive read so much and tried so many times to go no contact…… longest being bout 10 weeks. I failed everytime. I keep reading and trying to break free but the trauma bond/addiction or whatever it is….its so strong that i havent found a way to break it. My personal circumstances dont help either but i have to hope i can do it cos i guess my biggest fear is being in this situation for ever. Im 56 and i was with him for 10 years. We have one child and i have 3 from a previous relationship. For 4 years now, making it a total of 14, ive been in a triangulation hell. He dumped me for someone else and to cut a long story shoet has played both of us for all that time. He came back to me after 4 months telling me he would end it with her, still loved me etc and im sure you all know the rest. Im ashamed of how i let it all happen even tho i understand the psychology behind it. I give in to my loneliness and need for love and attention and sheer attraction to him. And ofcourse i cant understand how i am still attracted to someone who has treated me so badly and regularly put to one side all the bad memories just so i can get that little fix of his time and attention when he feels like it. I have schemed and planned to get this time. I feel sick about myself for this. He has never had to come running….i do all that for him. This weekend im trying again cos i know so much time is passing and i just cant keep hanging on like this. I must have no self esteem.. I came on here cos its Saturday night and im crying, overeating and generally feeling shit and wishing i could just be unconscious so i dont have to feel the pain that i never let myself get thru. Im trying to be grateful for what I do have rather than focussing on what i dont but its just not working.I guess theres a point in the pain i need to get past and i never do cos thats when i give in cos all i want is to be with him and for everything to be okay. Even tho i knopw it never will be. I have no friends who truly understand and theres alot ive kept from them. Thanx for letting me have this space. xxx

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    1. cjhouser

      Hello
      I am so sorry to read your story, we have all been there, first you need to ask God for strength and courage. Second you need to feel the pain, there is no way past this, you have to heal yourself to move forward. Lastly, go no contact and stay no contact….with you going after him and letting him back in why would he treat you better. Remember we teach people how to treat us, you deserve better. Think of yourself and your children, they need a strong role model, you can do this, I did it at 58 and I am the happiest I have ever been. I to over ate and am now trying to get off 30 lb and trust me it ain’t easy girlfriend. .dont let him win he is a piece of sh__…. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep coming back to the site, we are here for you
      Jean

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      1. jacqueline8888

        Thanx i appreciate your reply. I know i need to find the strength to allow myself to feel the pain and get thru it rather than avoiding it cos i cant bear it. Thats the trouble….. i try to see him to kill the pain. Then im ok for a bit and then the whole thing starts up again. And ofcourse you are right. for as long as i let him walk all over me then he will. Hes used to me always being there for him when he feels like it. I will keep posting. Thanx again. xx

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  4. JJC

    I have doubts that my narcissistic is completely so. He has never chased me, and has told me I should leave him as he will destroy me. He is aware of the pain he causes, and doesn’t think he can/wants to change, but he doesn’t lie to me in that sense; he is honest about his nature. Of course, he cheats, bullies, and breaks up with me regularly. However, I believe I have become abusive too, in that sense that I react to his abuse. I have cheated, and bullied him too.
    He tried to commit suicide because he didn’t see the point of trying to improve himself or his life. He felt it would be too much effort for not much in return. He is aware it would be a long, slow process, and that he may never recover.
    He left me a few days ago for what feels more “real” than any other time. I found out about more cheating, and it was initially mutual for us to part ways. But then I cracked and called him; he’d said he wanted to contact me but knew it was better for me if he stayed away. As I mentioned, he’s told me I should leave him for my sake throughout the relationship.
    My point is, I wonder how much of a narcissist he is (despite all the pain and mind “fog” he causes) based on the fact that he tries to leave the unhealthy relationship for both our sakes, and it is me that clings on. He admitted today that the stress and toxicity of this relationship was a big catalyst in him trying to commit suicide. I now feel like I may be narcissistic in clinging to him when he tries to leave (which was the healthy option) because I just want what I want.
    What do you think? Is he manipulating me or have I become more like him in the process of being with him?

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    1. Nemo

      Interesting you should say that because I realised when I was able to distance myself that I was pretty abusive to my ex as well. I had a few “power levers” I could pull that would really hurt him. Round and round it went like a contest to see who could hurt the other the most, with amazing reconciliations in between to reward ourselves. He did end up suicidal when we broke up 28 years ago and I went no-contact for 22 years. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was the complete opposite (which seemed very dull at first!) but he hooked up with another narc who made his life hell.

      I think we do mirror each other. I certainly wasn’t 100% innocent. Since our final reconciliation and break up last year I realised that what really got to me was that I had finally completely lost all my power over him and the relationship. Never ever before had he ignored a message from me and as weeks went by I realised he was probably taking someone else’s advice to go no-contact with me! And that doesn’t make me feel good but does make me realise I was very manipulative too. It’s taken several months of no contact to be able to see that objectively. x

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      1. JJC

        Thanks for your comment. So does that make us equally narcissistic, or is it simply a response? My N has now booked a one-way flight to Asia, so I’m having to face the fact that his breaking up with me is not just a game. Yet I still can’t stop clinging on and asking for him back. Even though he tried to kill himself to get away from me. Do you have any advice for me? I just can’t let him go…

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        1. Nemo

          You are addicted to him. I suggest youtube Melanie Tonia Evans and watch some of her videos, that was what finally got me out the other side.

          I got a one way ticket to Australia to get away from my narc. I gave up absolutely everything I had (except my dog who came too) to make it completely irreversible. I thought after 22 years no contact I would be safe from it but when we got back in touch it led to the same old games and same old feelings. It’s taken 35 years to close the chapter and not give a damn who he’s with or what he is doing.

          Let it go, don’t ever cling to anything or anyone, start afresh.

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  5. Heather

    Hi all…My name is Heather and i’m the ex wife of a narcissist…!!! It’s been almost 2 years since i’ve been with my narc…and i have to say i’m getting stronger everyday. A year after our split he started sending out resumes to personnel agencies in his area with my home address and cell number on them for about 5 months, also sending me coupons and free samples in the mail….Here’s the new problem i need assistance on! I know the Ex went on to live with an ex girlfriend from high school mere days after our separation. She is a total downgrade from what i’ve heard. His standard of living is miserable. I ran into him in the city he moved to about a month after we split to be with the high school flame just before Christmas…he looked like a homeless man approaching me!! While we were together “of course” he had to make sure his entire family hated me…especially the one sister who used to stick up for him and had his back all the time! Now two years later out of the blue this sister has sent me a friend request on facebook…I have to admit that i’m curious to know if this is about to be a case of narcissistic indirect hoovering??? This woman and i have nothing in common, and we never spoke the entire time i was in any form of relationship with her brother!! My grown daughter creeps his facebook occasionally and has reported that he has updated his relationship status to married… listing our wedding date, i can’t see the new old woman liking that much?? I feel so sorry for her!!! What do i make of this new turn of events?

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Heather, DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM OR ANYONE CONNECTED TO HIM. After all this time why would his sister want to be “friends”? unless it is to get info on you and the less the N knows about your life the better. What ever he is up to you can bet it does not have your best interest at heart. Just carry on like you have been for the past 2 years and don’t let him or his family suck you back into the toxic web he lives in.
      Don’t try to figure out what he is doing or why, it is not worth your mental energy. Don’t let his toxicity enter your life in any form. Any contact will end badly for you.
      Good luck!
      Carrie

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      1. Heather

        Carrie…I know it’s best that i run the other way as fast as my legs can take me!!! I really had no intention of accepting it. It was the shock of seeing her facebook request…I think i knew right away what it’s intended purpose is/was. In the message she sent to me responding to something i sent her almost 2 years ago, she pretends she doesn’t know who i am and why i’d want to talk to her, while at the same time trying to add me as a friend. I think i needed to be reminded how these Narcs use people to get our attention. It’s obvious now that his new supply isn’t doing it’s job and he is ready to hit the reset button on his marriage. He actually believes i’ve been on a shelf not living my life!!!!! Thanks CJ for the addition to the strong warning from Carrie!!! :) !!!!!!

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  6. cjhouser

    Right on Carrie you are absolutely right stay no contact with him and his family. They only mean to do us harm you could not survive in that world and be healthy you are out. Stay out!
    Jean

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