Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

6,326 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Melissa

    It’s been 9 days of legitimate No Contact! This was really hard for me, especially since Ryan has always loved giving me the silent treatment. No matter how many times I explained that if he just responded to me it would have eliminated so much of the drama he claimed he abhorred so much. So I would block and then unblock him. I know his phone number by heart. I’d drink a little too much and send an e-mail. Every communication was to congratulate him on destroying me and, of course, asking WHY? Was it all a lie? Did he ever love me? How could he do this after everything I sacrificed and gave up for him. The “new woman” was the most devastating factor this time and I still don’t even know if they are actually together, if it was a fling, or whatever. I stumbled upon a quote that I wanted to share in case anyone else is struggling right now as well. “I don’t trust words. I even question actions. But I never doubt patterns.” And while I feel for this girl knowing what she has coming, if it hasn’t already happened, there is a small comfort in knowing it’s not me. And while she is attractive, and I’m certain, intelligent, interesting and fun, it’s not her either. But again, it’s not me. It’s him. I am enough. I am enough.

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    1. kim

      melissa i know it hurts like hell the disbelief and the thoughts of them with other women is all encompasing it takes our minds over sometimes its good youve done 9 days no contact i go for weeks sometimes then i hear from him and im a mess again its hard to believe they are such evil people because they have two sides to them and theve conditioned our minds to think about them all the time melissa im struggling too at the moment but i get better days just keep reminding yourself you are not alone and try to put him out of your mind be pleased you arent hearing from him they keep hurting you its normal to have mixed feelings after being with them so long just take one hour at a time and be patient with yourself i will remind myself this i find listening to music takes the edge off the grieving process but i try not to listen to sad music it might help take it slow melissa you will have better days im trying to lower my meds as ive been on them a long time for my pain condition was doing well till i heard from him oh well i know its tough to cope but we are worth more than the evil ones good luck xxx

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Melissa, congrats on 9 whole days! that is almost 10 which is getting close to two weeks. You just have to get through it one hour at a time, one minute at a time. In the beginning I used to think ‘I can not do this one more day.” every day for two years I said that and then I realized I WAS doing it and HAD been doing it for 2 years and I had made it through, but I still had that mind set that I couldn’t do it because I kept telling myself I couldn’t. When I realized I had been doing it all of a sudden my whole attitude changed. I felt stronger, more in control, and generally just better about myself. A lot of what we suffer from is our own defeating thoughts about a situation. If we keep telling ourselves we are weak and can’t do it we will believe that.
      Like you said, it really is not about you or her; or any of the other women your ex has been with. Women are interchangeable to these soul vampires. you ARE enough!! I did the block and unblock thing so many times, the long text messages begging for answers, waiting for him to text or call and then replying only to have him not reply to me and then feeling like a fool. one night I had an epiphany, or so I thought; I thought I had it all figured out and wanted to call him so badly and tell him I knew how to fix us and I talked myself into writing him a letter instead and if I still wanted to send it the next day I would. The next day I read it and it was the same old crap I had been saying to him for 10 years, there was nothing new there. It was then that I realized that I had no reason to contact him, it was truly over, I had said it all and there was nothing more to say, there was nothing more I could do, I had given it my all.
      I am sure he knew it too and that is why he knew he had to move on this time. They all know that it will end one day, they go into the relationship knowing that, whereas we are in the relationship with our hearts wide open and accepting so of course we are going to hurt. He has been planning his escape since day one.
      you ARE enough!!
      and you are not alone!
      Hugs

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  2. Sheila Lincoln

    23 days since I last spoke to that SOB. My emotions have turned to anger and loathing. I think less and less about him everyday but when I DO, it’s something that he held me back from doing or something that I would have never accomplished with him. Yes. It still hurts and I’m afraid to see him. I thought I did driving the other day and almost had a panic attack. He can’t hurt me and he’s a coward. I know this. Still hate that I have this reaction involuntarily.

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  3. Melissa

    Sheila, 23 days! BRAVO! It’s so empowering, isn’t it? Read your words, “he can’t hurt me.” It’s over, he can’t hurt you anymore. I say this to myself all the time too. Because we are making the choice NOT to let them back in because then they WILL just hurt us again. Stay strong, you got this! Be kind to yourself, your emotions will ebb and flow, it’s all part of the healing process. Our feelings were genuine and it’s hard to let go of them. I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to still love and miss him as long as I admit he is toxic and not deserving to be in my life in any capacity. And that sucks for them because we are smart, kind, strong women and they are missing out. Take one day a time, you’re doing so well and it will only get easier. xo

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  4. Rachel

    I am so glad to have found this…it makes me feel a little less crazy in regard to the things I’ve been going through with my now ex-boyfriend. He “lured” me in and I felt exactly the way you described. I was reluctant to start dating him…we have a pretty big age difference (I’m 22, he’s 34) and I thought he was too into me, felt like he was moving too fast, etc. Within a few weeks of dating, he was talking about marriage, children, our future, how much he loved me, how he thinks everything in his life prepared him to meet me, etc.

    The first 6-8 months of our relationship were wonderful…I felt like I had really found the man I would spend the rest of my life with. He did all the right things. He said all the right things. He always knew what I needed to hear. He listened to me and seemed like he genuinely wanted to understand me. He was honest and open and just seemed perfect. The one “un-perfect” thing about him was that he seemed to have a lot of drama in his life (exclusively with women). He would tell me wacky stories about things people did to him. I always sided with him.

    Around 8 months in, he started acting strange seemingly out of nowhere. He would go days without contacting me when we had previously been in touch all the time. I would ask him to call me and he would act as though it was a ridiculous request. He started to belittle me and dismiss me and say things that I couldn’t ever have imagined him saying. I felt like he was keeping me around purely for the purpose of making me feel terrible. For a long time it would wax and wane. For a week or 2 he would be lovely and sweet. Then seemingly out of the blue he would begin to be nasty and cruel.

    The final straw for me was 2 weeks ago. We are currently living far apart from each other and we had been visiting as much as we could. I went to visit him and it was absolutely awful. He wouldn’t talk about anything. He was dismissive and rude and visibly texting other women (including his ex) the whole time I was with him. It was like he only wanted to have sex. He was acting so immature the whole time. He didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything else with me. He left me alone for 16 hours on the second day I was there, barely contacting me.

    We ended up breaking up… I spent the rest of my time there in a hotel by myself. When we finally saw each other in person, he yelled at me, belittled me and didn’t even give me a chance to talk. I started crying and he told me he wouldn’t listen to me unless I stopped. He told me I was annoying, dramatic, and ridiculous and made fun of the way I was talking. He said and did a bunch of other cruel things that I don’t even want to type out. It just felt like he flipped a switch and that was it. Then his mood changed completely…almost immediately after we had that conversation, he kissed me, told me he loved me, wanted me, thought I was beautiful, blah blah blah.

    I’m back home now and we have still been talking over text… Yesterday, I asked him something that insulted him and he told me he never wants to see me, speak to me, or communicate with me in any way ever again. I know tomorrow or the next day, he’ll probably send me something sweet and apologize. It sounds crazy now, but he was the first person I was really in love with and I felt closer to him than I’ve ever been to any man in my life. I know he was probably never that person, but I am having such a hard time letting go.

    I just don’t know what to do… I’ve never been through anything like this before. I know it will probably be easier on me in the long run to cut off all communication completely, but right now I can’t imagine never speaking to him or seeing him again. I realize now how bad this sounds…but somehow while I was in it, I always found a reason to stay. There were SO many signs that I missed looking back. I remembered the beginning of the relationship so fondly that I was constantly holding on to the memory of that and the hope it would come back. I kept giving him chances because I thought that the man I fell in love with would eventually return to stay. I’m still so sad that he wasn’t the person I thought he was and I feel as though I’ve wasted a year and a half of my life. I thought I would feel a sense of relief, but all I feel is anxiety and hopelessness.

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    1. sam

      Hi Rachel,

      My estranged husband is exactly the same. When I met him, he told me stories of all the women that caused him pain. I honestly thought then when I was about your age that “oops here is a great guy that seemed to have rotten luck with women.”

      He said one girl wanted him to change his religion in favor of hers. Another one was too much like his ex. Another was older than him and was just playing around and he could never bring her home to his mother. Another was too much of a party girl always getting it on with other men and he was scared of even having her for a girlfriend since she was so loose and might cheat on him ( LOL, that women became his short term mistress while we were married– and here I thought that she was not good enough girlfriend material before he met me so there was no danger there). Little did I know that she was good enough to be a mistress years after they had their chance when they were both single then. Why not take it up with her then right, why now when he is married.

      Another ex was a psycho bitch in his own words. She gave him silent treatments and was just frigid in his words. LOL That girl tried to warn me long ago but I didnt listen. Like you I thought OMG Im the perfect princess versus all the duds who couldnt feel the pea.

      After the wedding he changed overnight. from the sweetest man, he suddenly had a potty mouth.

      I did not recognize the man I married. Thought he had some sort of temper tantrum freak out thing so I let it slide then. Years later here I am. From those put downs, he progressed to beating me up. Then he played mind ganes with me.

      Now I am the psycho bitch ex wife. He tells his new women about me.

      recently I spoke to his ex girlfriend, the one who tried to warn me. I spoke to all his other women too as our town is a small one. Lets just put it this way, if he said she gave him the silent treatment… it was the other way around

      If he said she was loose, it was him who cheated. If he said he left her since she was unsuitable- that woman told me that she left him.

      Their stories about him are all the same. same progression. Same MOdus operandi. Same things he would pick fights about. It really helped me move on learning about his past. We compared notes and seems to be he all wrote us letters starting with ” you are my soulmate”. He said exactly the same things, we all had special theme songs too. He had a favorite song for each of us women.

      I literally laughed out loud when I found out these things about him. At first I kept asking why me? Why only me?

      My advice to you get out while you still can. He might not do it again you might think. But if my husband did that to 10 other women before and to me. Will he do it to 10 more after me?

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Sam, don’t ever worry about posting a lot, you have been very supportive to Rachel and given good solid advice and support. I appreciate others stepping in with their experiences, it gives me a bit of a break and I don’t feel so bad if I don’t reply to someone right away. Besides with everyone sharing everyone knows they are not alone or crazy. It really helped me when I started getting people coming in and saying OMG that happened to me also. I was afraid to post some things sometimes in case people thought I was exaggerating or making it up, it was very validating to know I was not the only one. the victims feel so all alone for so long, it is such a relief to know it wasn’t all in your mind or your warped views clouding your thinking.
      your story is so similar to mine, I still am amazed at how they are all so much alike. There is no other group of people; like nationality where you can say ‘They all do this” and “then they will do this”.
      It is a personality disorder, it is in the same classification as psychopath and sociopath; they are all in the category of “Anti Social personality Disorder” The name is misleading because people think anti-social means they aren’t social but it means they are against others, not able to get along long term with others, exploit others. It is caused by their brains not forming correctly or developing all the way. They do not have the ability to feel empathy. That is not to say they don’t know that they have hurt people, they simply don’t care and can’t care. imagine not being able to feel empathy, that is why we feel guilt, remorse, shame, even happiness but they feel none of those things, a bit of happiness but even that is not as intense or lasting as with other people. The majority of them even have a higher tolerance for physical pain. So yes it is a sickness, an incurable sickness, a personality disorder that can not be fixed.
      I am assuming that they all act the same way because that is how a person acts when they don’t have a conscience. Who knows how we would act if we didn’t feel guilt. They aren’t able to feel real love, just the excitement of winning over the victim and then destroying them. I think to some degree they try to live vicariously through their victims, they like to have a trophy on their arm, they like women who are highly thought of in the town because it rubs off on them, They must be good people if she is with him. (I know that is what people thought if James and I, he got a lot of breaks because he was with me). They like to have important people in their lives, they name drop, because they feel it gives them creditability which it does. They truly are hollow and have to fill themselves with other people’s happiness, respect, they need good people around them to make them look good. They don’t like it but it is a matter of survival and I think that is why they begin to loath the victim, they weren’t able to fill the narcissist up and he depletes them because a person can’t give and give and never get anything back.
      They only have so many responses memorized, their repertoire grows as they get older, they pick up information from every victim they are with and will use lines that their ex used, verbatim, james has used my own lines on me like he came up with it.
      Did you ever notice your ex just staring off into space? for hours? James used to build a fire outside and stand there all night staring into the fire. I thought he was depressed and tried to talk to him about it but he always said it was nothing, he was fine. But he would be blank. I read that it is because they truly are empty. If they aren’t acting, if there isn’t drama and trauma to deal with they have nothing to say or think about. They end up filling their time with planning how to get what they want. Instant gratification because they want to feel something. They keep trying to do what other people do to be happy but nothing ever gives them lasting happiness.

      There are slight variations, like with sex; they all have sexual deviances, most of them are addicted to porn, the infidelity is a lot to do with the excitement of maybe getting caught, being able to pull one over on the victim etc, many of them are into weird things, sadistic sex, cross dressing, homosexual, ….. I have heard it all, but even when the victim thinks he doesn’t it eventually comes out. I read somewhere that they really hate sex, hate the intimacy but I found that so hard to believe because James wanted sex 3-4 times a day. he would wake me up in the middle of the night, want to sleep while still inside me and do it again an hour later. he is the only man I have ever been with who could go all night and not go soft. At first.
      it took 7 years but slowly he pulled further and further away, he was only concerned about my pleasure when he was trying to win me back. Any other time it was pull me on top and get his rocks off. He started coming to bed later and later until he never came to bed. he would be so tired he would fall asleep standing up. Then he would undress me but keep his clothes on until the very minute we were going to have sex. At the end he would just undo the zipper on his jeans, not even take his jeans off. It was so weird. They hate the vulnerability I think. plus we have expectation of them. We want them to love us, to treat us well but it doesn’t come naturally for them, it is all an act in the beginning and that takes work. So us asking them to be considerate, to love us, be faithful and honest is like asking him to fly.
      A person can fake that they are flying, they can put their arms out and have a blue screen behind them but they can’t really fly and to expect them to fly would be asking them to commit suicide. Asking a narcissist to feel love and empathy is like asking him to fly; it would be suicide for him; he can’t. Imagine how frustrated you would get if someone kept insisting that you can fly and asking you to jump off a building and fly for them. You would probably get really angry and maybe even hit them. Are they crazy?? you can’t fly. They are asking the impossible. That is how the narcissist feels. I think.,

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      1. Rachel

        Thank you — really appreciate you getting back to me. It is crazy to read all of these things and realize most of what he was doing was textbook. It makes it even more sad to look back at the relationship and feel like the whole thing was fake. In the beginning, I really believed we had a true, genuine connection and it sucks to feel like I was in it alone the whole time.

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  5. Susan

    Ladies,
    I am almost 2 years of no contact. Carrie, gives you all great advise, please follow it.
    They will eventually try when their supply runs low again, but you should remain strong.
    I watched one eposode of a show called Mistress. Classic line “Why keep going back for the same result”.
    They will never change, stick to NO CONTACT for you.

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  6. sam

    Rachel,

    I always go back to Carries blog whenever I feel down or get triggers of the past. It calms me to see that I did not imagine all the things my husband did to me. In my quest to find out who he really is, I even researched all the way back into his childhood and found old school records. I asked teachers aunts etc. Anything .

    And always I find out that he was never really the man I thought he was

    My husband never existed. I made him up apparently because I chose to ignore those unsettled feelings, the weird thing I couldnt put my finger on when I first started dating him.

    An ex if his said that in their year together as she was neighbors with him. There was just something heavy to carry about him. She could not pinpoint what it was except that she felt he was just too much of a drama king.

    She was lucky because she listened to her instincts. She left him after he berated her for ordering the wrong dish at a restaurant.

    He cried like a baby then she said begging to be taken back. You know when I met my husband, he said that woman begged him to take her back. Funny that the 2 stories are totally opposite.

    But I am inclined to believe her as the things she said he used to do to pick fights. He did with me EXACTLY too. when I say exact, I mean exact as if I was her backtrack 10 years back

    When I first left my husband. I thought my heart would break. I could not eat sleep or function. I thought I was dying

    But here I am years later. Im still in 1 piece. It does not hurt anymore.

    Believe me the hurt and pain will go away. It will I promise you. Regrets and memories will not however, but pain dies out. You will feel again. We will survive. All trials in life pass with each day.

    If you can get the courage leave NOW. No contact.

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    1. sam

      Sorry Carrie for posting so much past day. I have free time. Will share what I have found out.

      In my city I have met other women like me. There are only a few of us but our stories are all the same.

      Online everyone stories are the same too. Doesnt matter how old the Narc is. Doesnt matter whether rich or poor, what culture he is.

      The pattern is the same. The things they do are the same.

      Why do you think that? Does it mean that like any sickness, there is a pathology that happens or progresses the same each and everytime?

      It seems like that to me. That means that Narcissism IS a sickness.

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      1. sam

        One woman I know of said that her husband used to beat her up. Then when he married the mistress, she called her crying asking to be helped as she was being beaten up too.

        How fast the wheel turns. Long ago it was the mistress who was all smug for getting the guy. Now it seems the wife was luckier after all to be free.

        That woman was so full of compassion that she helped the mistress get out too despite all the bad blood between them.

        Because anyone whose ever been with a NARC knows what it feels like. No woman will wish that hell on another

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    2. Rachel

      Thank you. I really appreciate your words and advice. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that with your ex husband. Breakups are hard as is, but I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. I guess adding the narcissist element to the mix it turns it into an absolute disaster. Despite everything he put me through, somehow I was the one begging him to keep trying and telling him what we could do to fix it. Deep down, that’s not even what I want…I don’t know why I have such conflicting emotions. I’m trying to slowly cut him out of my life and go completely no contact but I am having a very difficult time. It’s helpful to know people have gone through it and are stronger because of it. Right now, I feel like I’ll never stop crying.

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      1. sam

        Rachel,

        dont worry. cry all you like. I cried everyday for a year or so. Every single day. If I see my children I cry. If I read something sad I cry. if I read blogs about Narcs i cry out of self pity.
        But while crying I also worked for my children. I went to family gatherings. I saw friends. I would cry first in the car out of shame then have dinner with friends.
        Everyday just get out of bed, stand your ground. show up for life and be counted.
        The tears will stop at one point. I dont know how its possible looking back but it will happen whether you feel like it or not.
        Despite no contact I still check up on how he is. Not to feel sorryfor myself but to find out if hes done it again. In a year I check once or twice just to see. I cannot avoid because we have children.
        Ive practiced ignoring him. Now i dont cry or feel anything. I choose to accept and ignore. Used to be a literally grit my teeth out of determination to accept.

        I would go grr and shout I can do this!! I think if I was so determined to save my marraige despite the beatings and cheating for more than 10 yrs.
        i can also erase him from my past

        If I was brave but stupid then hiddling cowering in corners black and blue. i can also be brave and smart to make sure he stays out of my life.
        it takes courage to be with a narc. These women who live with and leave Narcs are made of steel despite being afraid or lost.I am sure you have loads of that same courage even if it feels scary. And im sure you are smarter than me too for seeing early on.
        Take that courage while crying, while occassionally failing at no contact. Fight ti survive.
        Do not engage him because then you allow him to say damaging things. When he talks assume he is lying. Conversing if ever you do does not mean you believe him.

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  7. Melissa

    Hi Rachel. We ALL know exactly how you feel and you are grieving something very real and genuine. My narc LOVED to give me the silent treatment and would storm out in a middle of a fight, twisting my words. I was always begging him to come home so we could talk it out. I was constantly sending articles, e-mails, anything to help him understand what I meant to say. He would simply say it was “cute” or “thoughtful” or how much he appreciated that I could be “rational after the fact.” They are all master manipulators. The only thing you can do now is take care of yourself because this is a difficult process. Be kind to yourself. You are going to feel and experience many emotions and it’s not easy, but you are not alone. Come back to this forum as often as you can, read as much as you can, respond as much as you can. Because I can guarantee your story is not unique, narc behavior is often text book. There is no judgement here, only support. Just a few weeks ago I was exactly where you are now. I am 33 years old and live in Brooklyn. My mother had to come take me away to the Jersey Shore because I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t breathe sometimes I was crying so hard. The mere act of waking up would make me instantly burst into tears. I felt like things were never going to be ok. This wasn’t five years ago, this was three weeks ago! And, of course, we are all different but you have to just trust that things will be ok. Take your time, don’t rush the process. Be grateful that he’s out of your life and can’t hurt you again. I’m writing these words to you so I believe them for myself as well. It’s not your fault. All you are guilty of is love. You can get through this, you ARE getting through this. xo

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    1. Rachel

      Thank you. I really appreciate the support and it made me emotional to read that he’s out of my life and never going to hurt me again. It’s just dealing with the residual pain now. I am grateful that it ended when it did and I did not allow it to go on any longer. I keep thinking I did the wrong thing. My friends are supportive but I don’t think they can possibly understand the extent of what he put me through and how extreme his personality is. They also don’t get why I can’t just move on and get over him. It’s comforting to know other people are going through the same thing and I’m not crazy.

      Hope you’re feeling a bit better now. How long has it been since your relationship ended? I know everyone is different but I’m feeling like it will be months before I even feel remotely ok again.

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  8. Melissa

    Oh Rachel, I’m sorry if I upset you! That was not my intention at all.

    People do not understand that this was not a healthy, functional, normal relationship for you and so the process is not normal. We have been abused emotionally and psychologically. We’ve been manipulated and brain washed. There are SO many layers and the emotions can be overwhelming. Everyone has good intentions, I know because my friends and family are the same way. And I get so angry and often spit back at them “have you ever been in an abusive relationship before? Do you have any idea what this feels like?” And the answer is always “no.” But we know here!

    Ryan and I were together for over 2 years and we lived together for one year. He broke up with me, over e-mail (can you imagine?) at the end of April. He did not respond to any of my texts or calls simply asking for a decent in person conversation, like adults. He e-mailed me a few weeks later saying he hadn’t forgotten about money that he owed me and would pay me back (miraculously, he actually has). We were no contact for 6 weeks after that when he began texting me at the end of June again that he messed up, wanted me back, missed me, loved me, wanted to make it work, still wanted kids with me etc. All the things I wanted to hear because they were designed that way, to manipulate me. So he knew he was still in control of me. This went on for 3 weeks and I told him we would meet in person at the end of July. Lo and behold, he gives me the silent treatment, makes his instagram account (which I was never allowed to follow) public and there is all the evidence of his lies and him posing with, whom I assume, his new supply. Total coward. No call. No text. No e-mail. This happened just one month ago! It was beyond devastating. I cannot explain the pain that rippled through my body. The deceit, the cowardice, the disrespect and disregard for me. My best friend sat on the phone with me and listened to me gulping for air for an hour, I was sobbing so hard. I too thought I would never stop crying. I’m not sure if I’ve gone a day without tearing up at least, yet. But I was resolute immediately. I blocked him, deleted him from everything. Mailed back anything he left here, deleted pictures, texts. Threw away notes. And, I’ve admitted many times before, I am only 9 days in of No Contact because I broke it many times. I know his phone number by heart. I’d have a little too much to drink and call him. Or e-mail him begging for answers. WHY? And the answer is simple: because he could. My friends and family have despised him and I am talking about him to everyone (nothing will get back to him, I’m not doing it to jeopardize his career or friendships or anything) to hold myself accountable because after being manipulated and abused for so long I am terrified that he can still pull me back in. But then I remember that I didn’t give in in June and I wasn’t as strong as I am now. Each day makes me stronger and gives me more clarity. It’s hard admitting the person that I love (present tense) is capable of all these things. But I’m not the first girl he’s done it to and I know I’m not the last. Ryan and I used to work together and I remember passing each other in the hallway once and he looked at me with such disdain. His eyes were dark and lifeless. He had just come out of a co-worker’s (a new supply at the time) office after flirting. I almost fell to the floor from that stare, the coldness almost knocked me off my feet. And you know what the worst part about that moment is? I had just miscarried two weeks earlier. His child. And I was dead to him because I was grieving that loss and not giving him my full attention. I cannot focus on the “good” memories because they weren’t real. As painful as it is, I need to remind myself of that stare, those awful moments all the time. It’s not easy but my god am I stronger for it. One day at a time, that’s all you have to do. Trust me, you won’t just be ok someday soon. Rachel, you will THRIVE. xo

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    1. Rachel

      No, it didn’t upset me! Just made me emotional is all…I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that — there are so many parallels between your story and what I am going through. It’s crazy how similar the patterns seem. I find myself continuing to text him and engage with him. Every single time he texts me, it is something cruel and I begin to cry. I keep begging him to tell me why or give me some explanation as to why he became so cold and suddenly stopped feeling anything for me. He just tells me that I was too dramatic and texted him more often than he wanted me to.

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  9. Ellebelle2015

    Ladies, I am on no contact for more than two years. I had a relationship for 31 years with my ex and after that one year on and off. Then realised it was only because he used me still.
    You have to leave your partner not because you doesn’t love him anymore (you still do), but because he doesn’t love you and you deserve better. It is a hell being on no contact. Probably I will never forget him, but there are days he just once slips into my mind and then slips out of it. You have to fill up your days meeting nice people and doing things to keep yourself busy.
    Two months ago, out of the blue, I met another man. He is so nice. Asking what I want, what he can do for me etc. Just couldn’t believe my eyes. How do you think it is to discover that there are really nice men out there? Don’t wait so long to get out, like I did. I should have listened to my guts years ago. Leave, go on no contact and stay out of that toxic relationship. I wish you all a lot of strength. If I can do it, you can do it too. Hugs, Elisabeth

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  10. Melissa

    Thanks for your words of support, Elisabeth! It’s so comforting to hear that he didn’t destroy you after 31 years. You are a very strong and brave woman! Congratulations on meeting a man you deserve. And Rachel, yes, their patterns are all the same, they read like a book. As I said in my last post, he did it because he could. This is the question I struggle with too, the WHY. Once you make peace with the fact that you may never get a reasonable explanation, you will begin the healing process. I believe communication is key and I always, possibly even too much, explained myself while Ryan often said he didn’t want to talk about things. Even recently when he began texting me I asked him what he wanted (I wanted a partnership) and he said “to spend time with you and not sit around and dissect everything.” He expected me to let him back into my life and just forgive and forget what he had put me through! Going no contact is not easy, but I think every single one of us would agree it’s the only way. When you feel the urge to text or otherwise contact him, write a post here. Text your best friend. Write him a letter that you won’t send. Get those feelings out but NOT to him. Now that I’m in double digit days of NC, it’s so much easier!!! You’ll get there. But contacting him is only going to prolong the pain.

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  11. It's a miracle

    Hello all,

    I’m in my fifth month now of no contact. I’ve passed the point of literally having to be babysat to make sure I don’t see him or my phone taken away so I don’t call. It’s not hard not to contact anymore but the pain is still so intense that it’s hard to get through the day sometimes. I realized that I spend a lot of time thinking about him. Everyone says time will make it better or I should look towards the future which should make me feel better without him in it right? Well frankly the future feels bleak thinking all I will ever feel is pain. I had this moment of clarity the other day. If I can’t think of happy future thoughts and right now hurts too bad, what do I have? I have a whole life time of happy experiences that I had before I ever met him! He cannot touch my memories. They are mine and they don’t involve him. I think happiness is like a muscle which I have let atrophied. I am now replacing memories of him with memories that have nothing to do with him. I think it’s helping. I hope this idea can help someone else too. Hugs to all!

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