Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

6,258 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Jerry

    Fair enough. It is done. I would suggest that airing private correspondence on your public forum is unethical, unprofessional, and in general, a less than stellar example of your wisdom. M has repeatedly lied to me and been unwilling to relate the truth to me. Believe that or not. I don’t care. What I do know is she has said and acted in one way only to turn around and act opposite of it at a later time then not offer any kind of reason or explanation. To hear it from you lets me know the two of you were corresponding when she first threatened me with police action. Again, so be it. Closure comes in the strangest of ways. Be well, Carrie. I’m not one of the bad people in the world. I just happened to fall in love with a woman who appeared to me to have all the qualities I’ve sought for so long only to find she’s too broken to be anything but a heartache. I’m not asking for your sympathy. I’ll go quietly away now. She can continue her long road of healing without my inclusion. You can reload your shotgun for someone else now…

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      I have not aired private correspondence, I reposted comments already made on the forum and I clarified the facts instead of allowing you to twist the facts.
      Jerry, I did not say you were the “bad” guy, but you need to back off like I said. It is none of my business what happens between two people but you came in here looking for sympathy and someone to “back you up”, make M feel bad, or doubt herself. had you not done that I would never have said a word. You were trying to manipulate me into assisting you in making her feel bad and I will not tolerate that on my blog. It was sneaky and underhanded and you are just upset you got caught.

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  2. kim

    thats the way to do it carrie well done im learning to find ways how to deal with their craziness instead of ending up in an anxious fearful state thankyou just commenting xxx

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kim, it is natural, when a narcissist strikes, they go for your vulnerable spots, they don’t mess around trying to be polite or not hurt feelings. Their full intent is to maim and cause self doubt and they do it well. A person;s immediately reaction is to get defensive and emotional. i find it is best to not react immediately but step back and review the situation and then not respond at all or respond in a calm and rational unemotional manner and state facts. narcissists hate facts and more so hate facts that can be backed up. That is why journaling and keeping evidence is so helpful when dealing with them. Once you present the facts you refuse to continue in the debate and walk away.
      it is not easy to not respond to their comeback (because they always have one) but to engage with them only entertains them and feeds them.They will get you worked up and acting and talking irrational if given half a chance.

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      1. kim

        thankyou carrie im struggling with coping with everything unfortunately my health is bad you are right its about staying calm and keeping perspective since my daughter saw him shes been off with me dont know what he is saying to her its hard to stay strong on a positive note i am goibg to a fibromyalgia get together in a local pub i hope i can get there it would be nice to meet good people havent socialised on my own for whole of the time i was with him part of me wants this and it will be good for me still in a grief like state still in shock i know it takes a long time the last of his stuff goes tommorrow i have been concentrating on getting rid of his things so i can move on i was firm but calm when i said remove your things he raised his voice but this time i just didnt respond i just said stay calm he was baffled by my reaction i usually try to defend myself it was a good feeling to feel control of myself and the situation he didnt like my new reaction thankyou for all your advice carrie it really does work they have their tantrums trying desperately to abuse with blame etc but cant get to you with a grey rock approach xxx

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Kim, I am glad it worked for you. it is so terribly hard to not bite the bait and defend yourself but as we all know, they just twist your words, change history and we end up going crazy. if we can keep that in mind, that they do it on purpose and stay calm they will eventually give up because it isn’t any fun.
          As for your daughter, God only knows what he is saying and she is young, hopefully once his stuff is gone things will settle down, when life can become normal again, right now he is still making her world crazy and confusing to get to you. I wish i could talk to her, someone who isn’t involved, to hear it from you doesn’t do it. I hope you go and have fun tonight, you certainly need it.
          Big hugs

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          1. kim

            thankyou carrie i feel bit more positive today having the room clear of his stuff is better for my mind its friday the pub i hope my pain lets up so i can get there will try my best my daughter is looking to move she always brings this up after seeing him i will miss her but for now shes not moving far i understand she wants to live with people her own age i will do my best in being a strong mum thats there for her always just everything happening at once i hope i can renew my rent cant move again its a insecure feeling i will be positive though thankyou carrie for all your support i hope everything goes well for you tou truly deserve it xxx

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  3. Brookn Hart

    Why is it , that it is always us that is the one that is always broken? Why is it that they are always looking for someone better and never happy with what they have? Why is it that they always pull the poor pitiful me the victim act? Oh, I know, they are a sick twisted mind. Thank you again for each and every post. I am reading the archives and am stronger with each and every one of your words. Too bad we cant populate a deserted island with them. I imagine they would kill each other to establish leadership. Perhaps they would build a human bridge in an attempt to escape. I hope you are having a great evening Carrie. Frame your new photo’s that are coming and smile. love from Atlanta

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  4. Susan

    Hi Carrie,
    Haven’t posted in several months, haven’t followed jerry story, but I do agree with you that one should not enter in a relationship for at least two years or more, because many of us don’t feel anything. I could only speak for me, and have dated some, but I feel nothing for anyone, Prehaps the right one hasn’t appeared yet, I know with what I experienced I am non tolerant so I kick most men to the curb rather quickly.
    It has been over 18 months of no contact, and a week ago I broke the cardinal rule and emailed him. My son’s girlfriend and I were talking and I was bringing up the past, and she went on his Facebook page and clicked on one of his friends, who when we were a couple we went out with her and her husband, who was his best friend for over 40 years. They were a nice couple happily married, she was diagnosed with colon cancer about 6 months before I caught him cheating. I found out that she passed away in April of 2014, which was the time I was refinancing my house away from him and communicating about payoffs and paperwork.
    You would think with those correspondence he wouldn’t have at least told me she had died, so I could pay my respect to her husband and family. I was very sad she didn’t make it, I had hoped that she would she was only 62. After a great deal of thought I emailed him and said,”Wish you would have told me Shelley passed away, told him how I prayed she would pull through and my very belated condolences to the family. He replies, the next morning Jeff passed away too.
    I was in a state of shock, he wasn’t sick like his wife. So I emailed the idiot back to express my condolences for his loss, because Jeff and him were like brothers. I asked him how and when did Jeff pass away, he wouldn’t respond to me.
    Carrie,
    Why would this idiot tell me about Jeff and not tell me how or when.. I want your expert opinion, to see if I am right with why he wouldn’t respond.
    Thank you,
    Susan

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    1. Ellebelle2015

      Susan, they are not normal human beings. My father died a half year ago. My ex send my children condolences via whatsapp and I didn’t hear anything. He knew my father for over 33 years. My ex was really hurt when I left him, so he ignores me totally. Lucky me, wouldn’t you think?
      I did ignore this behavior of him. We all did.
      My son in law is very ill. Don’t know what is coming out of this. My ex send my daughter and son in law a letter to express himself about all the things they did wrong to him. It was all twisted around. He knows my son in law is very ill. At the and of the letter, after all the complaints he made, he wrote: hope you will grow old together in good health. Isn’t that sick or not? In this case we didn’t respond either.
      I can understand you are shocked to hear your friends passed away. But you should never ever contact him again. He is not going to tell you what happened, because he is in control again.
      Elisabeth

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Susan, are you even sure he died? Can you not contact them directly? like just send an email saying your ex told you that she died and you want to send your condolences? and see what you get back if anything.
        Shortly after james and i split he text messaged me saying the house next door to where we lived had burned down and they couldn’t get the kids out. I was devastated for the family and messaged him right back. He never responded. So I did what I should have done right from the start. I googled it and found out the truth. Yes there had been a major fire, but the place did not burn down and everyone was safe, one of their dogs might have died of smoke inhalation the news report was not sure. But certainly not near as tragic as what he had implied.
        Why would he do that? God only knows, he was bored and wanted to upset me, I had been no contact and he wanted me to message him and be in control again? I can’t think like them because they don’t make sense. He didn’t tell you because he wanted to show that he had the power, he chose not to tell you because you mean nothing to him and you didn’t have the right to know. It was such an unimportant event he didn’t think twice about it. They really don’t care if someone dies unless that person was of use to them or they get something from the death.
        My ex came to my house in tears saying his ex had died, drank herself to death I still doubt she is dead. I think he lied about it so that I would not contact her and discuss him and I knew too much about him and she was vicious about hating him and he was afraid between the two of us we would ruin his new found free ride.
        Really, try to not try and figure it out. who knows why they do what they do. I am only guessing. Even another narcissist wouldn’t know for sure why he did it because they are all working on their own agenda.
        If you are concerned then make contact with the people and ask yourself and don’t rely on him for any information. it doesn’t matter how many years you were with him or how you think he should be feeling or acting; he is not going to act the way a normal person would act. he is sick and twisted.

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    2. Kathy

      Susan, We’ll hear what Carrie has to say, but my two cents is that he didn’t pass away… They like drama, remember?

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  5. Susan

    Thank you all for your comments, however the control piece I believe is the correct answer. It is true both of them passed away. On Shelley’s Facebook page there was a memorial message, plus I looked up the obituary from the synagogue.
    As for her husband, he was not on Facebook, nor am I. I believe my Narc idiot, is telling the truth. I play pinochle on a site online, which all of us played. I use to see a player named JeffShelley, and for about the past 5 months, I haven’t seen that player anymore. that is how the conversation started with my son’s girlfriend. I told her I think Shelley might have past, because didn’t see the name on pinochle, but the reality was it was Jeff, because this site began after Shelley past away. I see the idiot on there all the time.
    So yes, two good people have passed at a very young age, as for the idiot, Jeff was his lifeline, so Inspite of everything, I am sure he took that very badly.
    As for him not telling me how he passed away, I am figuring he knows my personality so he assumed I would continue to email him, for that attention, but as quick as I opened the door I shut it. Expressed my condolences and may the two of them rest in piece and they are together for eternity.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Susan, that is all you can do. Why he did what he did is of no importance to you because no one knows why they do what they do. Perhaps he felt the loss of his friend but I find it hard to believe it was much more than what he lost that he got from that friend than the true loss of a good person in the world. If you get my drift. James’s father died and I always thought James and him were so close, had a very special bond, I know his dad really loved him and I think his dad knew there was something seriously wrong with James and tried very hard to fix it.
      They called James to come to his dad’s bedside when the end was near and he flew home to be with his dad. I had no idea how to deal with James, there was no emotion there, I kept thinking he was burying his feelings, overcome with so much grief he was numb. His mother said that they were afraid to tell James because they knew how hard he would take it. I was thinking, “How can you tell he is taking it hard?” He went to sleep in his mom’s car in the parking lot while everyone else was beside his dad’s bed. They all filled in the blanks by saying he was so overcome with emotion he had to remove himself. Ok, maybe that was it, or maybe he really wasn’t feeling anything and faking emotion was too much for him.
      I think one of the things that keep the victim in the relationship with the N and I know it was a big factor for me is: we assign them emotions we think they should be feeling, what we would be feeling, what any normal person would be feeling but they are empty inside and not feeling anything. They rely on the victim to fill in the blanks often times, they show no emotion and wait for the victim to say, “He is feeling so guilty he can’t talk about it.” or “He really loves me he’s is just stressed” .

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      1. kim

        carrie when his mum passed there was a call in the middle of the night the doctor said shes passed he went back to sleep how can anyone go to sleep after just hearing that i was up for nights crying like a normal person would i said how can you go back to sleep his answer well nothing can be done ill deal with it in the morning he was so close with her i could never understand this response he should have been with her he knew how close she was it couldve happened anymoment she was near the end when i mentiond this he replied there was no point in being there but she was consious and needed him i know he loved her very much he had real narc reactions though thought i would mention i could never understand this we never can xxx

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  6. kaylee

    Hello, all…. some time ago I wrote about my ex and our crazy life together. 6 months after our breakup, I started dating a guy, Larry, who I thought was totally wonderful. Unfortunately, I hadn’t come upon this website yet, or I surely would have seen the warning signs. Carrie, when I read the “red flags” article I couldn’t believe how many of those were true of our relationship. Especially the being swept off my feet. I wasn’t really ready to get back into a full-blown relationship, but he did everything so beautifully…..I journaled once that he was healing all of my broken bits. The exceptional lovemaking. His ex-wife, the bitch. How sweet he was to my granddaughter. He came to our rescue during a fierce winter storm….. with a generator and groceries to make a five-course dinner. He promised me everything I was missing from my previous relationship…. was I stupid or just incredibly vulnerable? He asked me to marry him, and I foolishly let him come and live with me because, well, we were getting married, right? I told all my friends and family. I was so happy. I’ve never before been so happy. And, I felt as though I deserved it after what I had been through with my ex.

    Of course you know the rest of the story. One day something was changed. I couldn’t understand what was going on… what was wrong… the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach wrong. He stopped making love to me, and when I tried to gently probe what was wrong he ended up telling me I had bad breath and who would want to make love under those circumstances? Oh, it hurt. And once he knew how much it hurt, he acted all gentle and sweet, and told me he was doing me a favor, since I work with clients.

    Anyway, it’s over now. He left me without any notice…. and has studiously avoided me ever since. There’s a lot that happened that I won’t get into…. all of it so sadly familiar to anyone who’s spent any time here. I did write him a long letter… and of course all he responded with was anger and denials.

    What I want to know is, when will I know when I can start dating again? I’m not about to let these heartless, soulless men destroy my hope and dream of a loving, mature, supportive relationship (down, cynics!). I’m not lonely, or bored, or without friends. I work and am in grad school. So I don’t have a lot of hours to fill. But I do want an intimate friendship. Is it possible to recover, heal, and love once again?

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kaylee, sadly your story is so familiar, jumping from the frying pan into the fire because they do “heal all the hurt from the past” and we do feel we have earned to be treated so well. I remember thinking that all the shit I had been through in the past was all worth it because it all led to James and he had such horrible relationships also. We were at the age where we could appreciate each other and know a good thing when we got it. it’s a real kick in the guts when you realize none of it was true. and it takes a long time to heal from it.
      Which brings us to your question of when will you to start dating again. 1st Yes it is possible to heal and recover and love again. 2nd when will you know? when you no longer need to date or love again. When it becomes a nonissue in your life. when you are so happy with your life that you don’t care if you meet another man, in fact he had better be a real gem because you are enjoying your life so much your not sure you want to share it. THAT is when you are safe to start dating again. When you know yourself inside and out, all your hangups and soft spots and you are ok with them all, when you know exactly what you will tolerate and what you won’t tolerate and you set those boundaries and don’t compromise them.
      Because as long as you are trying to heal you are too vulnerable and when you need a man to feel complete you are too vulnerable.
      I suggest at least 2 years. “They” say that after a normal breakup a person needs two years so after a narcissist a person most definitely needs at least 2 years and if you went from one into another relationship with a narcissist I would say most definitely at least 2 years.
      probably not what you wanted to hear and you may think you can start dating earlier and I have heard of people who have started dating almost right away and met someone but they are rare and very lucky.

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      1. kaylee

        Thanks, Carrie… all you wrote rings true. I feel the pull and allure of thinking that I could find that person I hold in my mind and heart, but the process feels so burdensome at the moment. I’m pretty exhausted, emotionally, and feel, well, simply depleted.

        So yeah… when I read the two years suggestion it was kind of a shock…. I’m not that young (55)and have felt a kind of interior pressure to figure it out and get settled. I did have a very nice marriage for 25 years to a gentleman who, unfortunately, is an alcoholic, and my previous boyfriends were also nice guys. So I don’t know what changed for me… maybe that pressure I just wrote about. I am working hard to understand all of what’s happened, and that takes time, too.

        Thank you for all you do here… it’s changed my life and alleviated my suffering in no small way.

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Kaylee, I too had never met an N before and had many relationships, some with not so great guys, some real sweethearts, but I always bounced back and I never felt broken. even with my son’s dad, who was an alcoholic and who screwed around on me (one night stands, women he picked up in the bar) he never made me feel less than or it was my fault. He never attacked my value or gas lighted me, he was honest and he felt bad when he got caught , he didn’t blame me and twist things like an N does. I always looked forward to the future and would think “I wonder what the next guy I meet is going to be like?” I stood up for myself and men respected that, I had never met anyone like James before in my life.
          There is nothing wrong with us that we did meet an N, in fact it is probably a good sign that it DID take so long for us to get sucked in by one. We were either really lucky or managed to pick up on them soon enough to save ourselves. I believe the only reason you got involved with two is because you dated too soon and were still very broken when you met the N and he told you everything you needed to hear, and he loved you for you. don’t we all want that? The number one red flag is the sweep you off your feet, love you immediately and rushing the relationship. If you meet someone like that, slow it down, way down and wait to see more red flags. you will know in your gut it is not right, but this time you have to listen to your gut.
          I hear the clock ticking for sure, I am 57, but I hear the clock ticking on my financial security, some people tell me I need to meet a man with money and should start dating. OMG, I am not going to rely on THAT as my retirement plan! That’s what James did.

          As Miss Kitty said, I have loved, been hurt and hurt other people, but never on purpose, I have led a good honest life and if I died to tomorrow I would die happy. I learned a lot about myself with James and because of that I would not change a thing from my past. Because of James I have found an inner peace and acceptance and love for myself that I never knew before. Had I not been so broken I never would have taken the time to truly get to know myself or made the decision to live honestly and true to my core being. I know how much I loved James and maybe he could not receive that love or appreciate it and I had loved before in my life but I didn’t know I was capable of that kind of unconditional love. I didn’t know how strong and resilient I could be and to be honest I love my life so much I can’t see sharing it right now, maybe some day in the future and I will be open to it because I believe in love with all my heart but I am never going to give away my love to someone who doesn’t deserve it or appreciate it again, because I know my worth now like I never did before. That is just me and maybe once I am financially secure I will feel more able to give to someone else.
          To each his own, but I really feel we all owe it to ourselves to fix ourselves and love ourselves first and foremost because having that inner peace is better than anything I have ever known in my life. I can’t describe it. it is something you have to experience to appreciate.

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    2. miss kitty

      to me it seems that there are far too many guys (i know women are N’s too) with the “N” traits these days walking he planet. And the chances of finding another is pretty good since there’s like this neon sign above our heads that flash “GOOD PERSON, KIND HEARTED, LOVING, HOPELESS ROMANTIC,” and seriously I really can’t think about getting involved with someone new even for BOOTY call…LOL Even a casual thing to me if not careful in picking the absolute right together person for some lustful healthy aerobics could end up some heart sick stalker, or me letting down someone hopeful of something more and I am not in a place to be interviewing together people. The term “together” is used by everyone and everyone say’s they have their shit together for the most part. I’d rather put forth the effort in improving my life right now and I need all that energy to be focused on my needs and on who I actually am these days.. It’s good not to isolate true. Friends are good to have and to push ourselves out to events is a must. But meeting new people to fill a void? Nahhhh.. There’s a lot to screening new interests, plus revealing things about myself that I’m not thinking is wise at any time but now it’s so new I might get weak n spout off about my past with my “N’s” and that’s not a good thing to do. Together people are rare. . I’ve found the biggest let downs are those who on outside seem most together. And, sadly ladies the bigger the guys bank account usually means a bigger asshole who is controlling and has nothing going for himself if he lost everything tomorrow. Now not every well to do man but a good majority. I for one have never been about finding dudes with money because money can’t buy you love just the illusion of it. Money does mean a certain style of living but many people can’t walk away from that style and I understand it all now so well. I finally get it. I’ve had two personal relationships with men who are “N”s and have had a dozen friends come and go who are same way. My oldest son is proving to be one. YIKES! And my youngest son is just a opinionated jerk at times.
      I guess my point is at 55 years young I am also feeling the time ticking away. I’m pretty pissed I had so many years with “N’s” but nothing can give me back those years so it’s good Im done being a victim and on to being a survivor. The task of finding an easy going, good human who brought no emotional stuff into our meeting up and could just be that in my life is pretty hard to imagine I would find. I would think if done right I might have one last crack at love before I die But I’m not sweating it. I know of love and have given it to all I care about in my lifetime. I have helped those I do not know when in need. I have not lived a life selfishly or in vain. I have suffered much, lost many loved ones in death and know grief is a straggler and it might not ever crawl off your back. If I die tonight I will have lived a good life despite all the “N’s” I have encountered in my 55 years. If I die tonight no big deal I wasn’t with a man head over heels in love with me n vise a versa. I’m content being me with my flaws and all. I’m hurt and broken and jaded to the max but that’s because it was very real what happened to me so naturally I am to have battle scars from it. I hope I am a role model for my granddaughters though. It’s one thing to be knocked down but to stay down? no way. And I don’t need a man to lift me up. I can some how manage that myself. Might not be so graceful in getting up but that’s just my quirky style anyway. I think my “N’s” found me to be quite a challenge. For I usually knew it wasn’t right, something about everything about us, and ended it without exact knowledge of what it actually was. Just knew it wasn’t good, or good for me. That’s enough right there. So take your time. Learn about you now. Get to know who you REALLY are. Be good to yourself. Love yourself first and love will probably find you. And heed the waning signs, the red flags,if you see them in another person. You do know what they are now so don’t let your guard down for a minute. It’s called wisdom. take everything sloooooooooowwww.
      That’s just my thoughts on the subject. Im not proofing this, so I hope it came out right?

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        1. miss kitty

          oh Carrie I am blushing!!!!!! thank you for that. I take things one day at a time, I don’t judge others and i feel horrible that there are people on the planet with us who can never know love like we can. Not ever!!!! but I do know LOVE. What it is and what it isn’t. I know what hate is now and that a person can hate you but smile and say they love you at same time. I’m very aware now. I’m keen to a lot of things I never could imagine the world consisted of before. There’s a lot of evil in our world. And it comes in many forms. Carrie, I’m finding all the bonus lessons from my past with my N’s. Jam packed full of lessons. It’s like getting a masters degree in summer school. I am saddened there’s so much hurt and pain out there. If we could just get along. I wish it possible but I know I’m dreaming of the impossible. I’m older sure. So, what does a number do to stop me from living today? And people have said but the best years of your life are in the past. Obviously they don’t know me. I feel the best years of my life are starting now. If I’d have known at 25 what I know today!!! I can only share what I know now with others and hopefully someone 25 will read this and what others on this blog share and use it to keep them safe from unhealthy relationships in their future. God bless you Carrie. And much love to everyone involved in this blog. Let’s keep it going. We have no way to know exactly how many lives we touch and help. But I know i has helped me stay strong and not feel alone in this.

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  7. Jean

    Hi kaylee, I can beat that after being married two years at that time My N told me I had bad breath on my wedding day! They will stop at nothing to hurt you. Don’t believe him they just want to cut to the core. You will be ok, Just take one day at a time and God will do the rest. I have peace and am very happy now.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jean, you are so right, they will say anything to cut you to the core. Near the end James and I were having a fight because I found yet another personal ad and he had said that maybe if I gave him more blowjobs he wouldn’t have to screw around. I had replied “Maybe if I knew where you cock has been I would be more inclined to give you blowjobs.”
      He was a little stunned for a minute and then something about how bad I smelled and how horrible it had been for him to go down on me. It cut me to the quick!! I have always been a very clean person, in the past men complained because I would wash before sex. James knew cleanliness was SO important to me and I always made sure I was clean. Later he apologized but the words were said and the seed planted in my brain and to this day I have to admit his words still ring in my ears. it is something I will always be concerned about now and I never had sexual hangups. It is not something that plagues me or anything and I have had good sex since him but I will always remember him saying it.
      You are another glowing example of a woman (phoenix) who has risen above the black toxic cloud of a narcissist.
      Hugs

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  8. kaylee

    Thank you, Jean, for your kind words…. you’re right, your wedding day story is much, much worse! I will take this day by day…I will get better. I feel as though I’ve come through a terrible illness which I need to recover from….. like I’ve been poisoned and the poison is slowly working its way out of my system. And one day I will feel whole and well again.

    I will never speak to him again, or write to him, and I’ve deleted all his e-mails so I won’t see his name….. but, in my heart, which I will admit only to those of you here, I do so miss him… or, maybe not him, since he’s not really real, but the way I felt. As though nothing will ever compare and I’ve been left with this huge empty space…. But as I said, one day I will feel whole again. It’s just going to take time, and the kindness of all you here, and my wonderful friends and family, who watched from afar, knowing it was a disaster, but supporting me in every way.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kaylee, you have every right to feel empty, and to miss him; because your love was very real even if he wasn’t and you have to grieve the loss of that in your life. People think that because he was fake we should be able to just move along but it is actually worse than when it was a mutual love. Not only are you dealing with the end of a relationship you are trying to get your head around the fact that he was an illusion; double whammy.
      You will heal and you will be happy again. just stay no contact and don’t look back, baby steps to the light!

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  9. kim

    i had a terrible day i was quite looking forward sort of in going to the local pub for a fibromyalgia support group unfortunately it was awful i went with someone up the road who also has my condition we got there it wasnt on it was last week the person i went with got a cab there we shared the cab she said she had left her wallet behind i say she but she is a he now if you know what i mean transgender i dont judge people and this was not the issue we had a drink but then she wanted another i got one more but felt like i was being taken advantage i am as skint as she is now she is a man sort of her personality has changed it felt strange plus the pub we were in had memories of the n and me flashbacks kept coming of sitting in a particular seat where we sat and it was too much for me when we left the cab parked in a huge puddle i had sandals it gets worse i thought i was being dropped first but couldnt see where we were the windows were misted she said here we are and got out of the cab i thought she was going to open the door or something the cabman said to her £2 50 mate it was cheap because she had a special card she said as the door was slammed shes paying he drove off quickly i realised i was taken for a fool i didnt have enough money left so apologised to him it was only 20p short he was so rude said i should do the tesco card he kept repeating aggressivly i didnt understand he said you wouldnt go to tesco and bring a carton of milk away for £2 i at first was apologetic then felt intimadated by this aggressive tone ive heard that before i got out of the cab told him how rude he was and left his door open huh got in and felt dreadful i will not be repeating this experience again felt id been conned oh well i was to gullable and vunerable to find a friend need to get tougher trying to find my way on my own but not doing well i wont give up just need to find nicer friends you live and learn as they say sorry for long vent today not ready for social things still i will visit my mum and dad that always cheers me up thankyou for listening its all about adjusting to being alone suddenly xxx

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kim, please don’t ever worry about a rant. We need to release it.
      I don’t know if it happens to everyone but I found immediately after leaving James I was constantly being taken advantage of. I don’t know why, except maybe people sense you are vulnerable and just take advantage of that. I was beginning to feel I had a bulleye on my forehead. It was hard to not feel negative when I was constantly fighting to be treated fairly.
      My truck broke down and the shop over charged me, tried to convince me I needed a new engine. I finally had it towed out of there after spending almost $1000 and it needed a $40 part. I was offered a place to live by a “friend” it turned out he was thinking he would get sex. He was married.
      A guy offered to help me because my truck needed a drive shaft. I told him up front I only had $400. He had my truck for a couple of months and wanted $800 for the repair. I refused to pay it. I had already paid him $350 and he took the drive shaft back. It was one thing after another. Nothing to do with James, these people didn’t even know him but they knew I was struggling. I don’t think they are all narcissists but I think there are a lot of opportunists in the world.
      It gets really hard to not feel hopeless when even the simplest thing turns into a negative experience. You start to feel you have a black cloud hanging over you that you just can’t shake when you need some positivity more than ever.
      “They” always say negative breeds more negative but how the hell do you feel positive when people keep kicking you down?
      I wish I had an answer to how I changed it around, but I don’t remember. I was listening to relaxation tapes, meditation tapes every night trying to think positive and not dwell on the negative.
      I spoke up for myself, I tried being up beat and friendly but it was really hard.
      It all started to turn around when I bought my cabin and got a good job but that didn’t last long. In fact my life hasn’t improved at all financially but my attitude is totally different. I don’t take it personally and I am able to say “To hell with the assholes” and I think that came from really analyzing myself and coming to the realization that I am a good person. I don’t deserve to be treated badly, it is nothing personal, I don’t have to take it, but I don’t have to take it on my shoulders either. I can cross that person off my list, out of my life and only keep the positive people in my life.
      I think the toxic black cloud of the narcissist hangs over us for some time even though he may be gone.
      I don’t know if I believe in exorcisisms, or that karma always works (because if it did why aren’t we blessed and the narc punished?) I don’t believe God over sees every move everyone makes. But there are forces at work we can’t explain. Evil exists that we never thought possible. I have seen the aora of a person and it scared the crap out of me. I think we all have an energy around us and the energy of the narc is strong and hard to get rid of.
      I threw away some things from when I was with James thinking maybe they were packing bad energy. I just felt this negative energy around me all the time and I don’t any more.
      Maybe it just goes away on its own or maybe it is something I did.
      I know that Let Me Reach does a lot of work with energy, shakras, cleansing type stuff. You might want to check it out and see what she thinks. I haven’t looked into it. I don’t have the internet right now. Doing this on my phone but I will look into it when I have it back.
      Hang in there. Big hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

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      1. kim

        thankyou so much carrie i have gone back to listening to positive music that helps today i decided to not take so much from mean people i wont see that person again i wont tolerate horrible people anymore i suppose after the n i thought other people would all be nicer but i was naive ive never been on my own before just need to build my confidence there are nice people of course you being one of them you help me no end and everyone here too i will check out let me reach thankyou for your advice i really hope things get better for you financially you are my inspiration i know time will heal had a better day today thankyou carrie xxx

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  10. Ellebelle2015

    I don’t have that experience. When I left the N. my whole family and all of my friends jumped into the gap. Why, because they knew, he was no good to me and they believed the stories I told them. I had a very hard two years, but I noticed in the street, that a lot of people start talking to me or laughed at me. When I was in the street or on vacation with the N. no one looked at us.
    Yesterday I sat in the bus for over 30 minutes. In the meantime 5 women changed the place next to me. They all started talking to me. Even a woman from Rumania that doesn’t speak English very well, but we had a conversation. For over 35 years ago I was in Rumania. I saw what the communism did to the people. It is like being with a Narc for a long time. All the joy of live is floating away from you.
    I went to a medium some weeks ago. She told me my aura isn’t well. I noticed it too. Some things happened, what made me very sad. I try to change it and it works.
    I also threw away a lot of stuff from my ‘narctime’. I think that helped too.
    I had good luck too. An appartement, a pension, a small job on the side. Very nice people around me. Even met a nice man. Who is so different from the N. that I cannot believe it. That’s the only problem. I have to believe in men again. Hugs, Elisabeth

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  11. kaylee

    Hello. I know I said I was deleting his e-mails, and I have been, and feeling about ten pounds lighter and hopeful, but then something happened: I can’t believe I got sucked into a drama with LP…I thought I had all my guards in place, but he sent me a message with his son’s name in the subject box; the son whom I adore and has been sick in the hospital. Of course I opened it and read it; dad was asking for my advice and telling me all the problems his son was experiencing. So we had several exchanges, and when he had me where he wanted me he stopped replying to me. Which was severely retraumatizing to me and I’ve been sick all week…really sick, like physically sick, but also sick at heart. It doesn’t help that I work with someone who knows him and this morning she prattled on about seeing him with someone else…I did tell her that I don’t want to hear any more about him, ever!
    So the poison has returned….I feel just as badly as I did a couple of weeks ago. I’m so angry at myself and a part of me just can’t believe how skillful he is in drawing me in….I hope this ends sometime but right now I feel as though I’ll never be well. I’m kinda embarrassed as well, since Carrie, you’ve given me such good advice, and of course you are right every time.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kaylee, no need to be embarrassed. You fell off the wagon of no contact and he abused your compassionate nature and love for the boy. It is despicable that he would use his sick son as bait to hook you. Now you know that he will stop at nothing to get to and hurt you. Until you have been no contact for …. God I don’t know when it is safe. I think I am safe from him hurting me in that way (he still tries to hurt me by other means because he knows he can’t hurt my heart, but I still can’t say with all certainty that he couldn’t push my buttons) These guys are experts!
      All you can do is get back on that wagon a little wiser, you now know you can not trust him for one second. Who would use their sick child like that? we all want to think that even they have some sort of principles. Not!!
      I know you feel as if you are right back where you started but honestly, it won’t be as bad as it was. You will come back from it quicker as long as you just get right back on that wagon and do the self talk again. This is just more proof that he is evil and toxic and what ever woman he hooks up with is in for a ride from hell she could never imagine in her wildest nightmares. proof again that you are making the right decision to go no contact. proof that you are the sane and healthy one and he is one sick SOB. If you can find the strength to not even read his emails, it will be much easier. As for the girl at work, you just might have to get angry with her. Next time she feels the need to share with you; interrupt her mid sentence and ask her “what part of I don’t want to hear what LP is doing, do you not understand? we are at work, I prefer to keep my personal life just that…… personal. LP is in my past and I have no interest in hearing about him, again, tell someone who cares.” and walk away. So what if she thinks you are a bitch, she is being inappropriate in the workplace. What does she expect you to do? She is getting off on the “power” she has when she knows something you don’t. She probably couldn’t wait to get to work so she could tell you what she knew. Shut her down and don’t feed her sick ego trip. YOU are just fine, you are being mature and she is acting high school and needs to grow up.
      The poison has not returned, not if you don’t let it. You are still in control.
      you are ok, you are on track and this will pass I promise!
      Hugs

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      1. kaylee

        Carrie, once again I thank you. I’ve been through sexual abuse for two years by a family member starting when I was twelve years old, and lost a child when I was 23. The pain I’m currently experiencing is equal to those events; I know it may seem ridiculous but at least I was myself when those things were happening; they happened to me, from the outside. This pain seems to come from the inside, and has destroyed my ability to hold on and keep going since something good and essentially “me” has been stomped into nothingness. I keep talking to myself, and telling myself I’ll be okay….along with many other things, but sometimes it’s so damn hard to believe and I could never have imagined I would feel so fragile…me, who’s endured so much. So your words of encouragement are deeply needed…and I reread them in my worst moments.
        And yes, he found the chink in my armor….and I asked him for his son’s number, so I could call him directly…which is when he stopped responding to me. But I’ll have to let go my concern, since the price I’m paying is too high.

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Kaylee I doubt there was an issue with his son, he just used it to hook you. you have been through so much. That is why they are attracted to people like us because we are strong enough to take their shit and keep trying. A weak person could never handle it and would quit on them. They need someone strong enough to keep coming back and keep trying. And yes it is a full body pain because we invested everything we had and more than we knew we had to give. Now we feel depleted, they suck the life out of you, they literally feed off of your pain. it will take time to replenish your supply.
          it will happen.
          Hugs

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