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Support Forum

Hi all, things may look a little different here. I have taken the page “Ending the Relationship with A Narcissist” and made it into a support forum. It is where everyone has decided to congregate which is awesome but people that go to different posts don’t know everyone is here and might miss out on the great support system we have going here.

This page has the same link that it always had so you should get the same notification when someone comments but it will appear on the Home page and “Support Forum” and there is another “Leaving the Narcissist” page on the home page also.
I did it this way because people had mentioned they were concerned about changing their link.
I hope this works for everyone, I am just trying to make it easier for people to find the support they need.

I would also like to mention to everyone coming in here for advice or information; there are many articles (over 400) on the subject of narcissism, covering topics such as self doubt, he wants you back, no contact, and much more. To find information on the topic you are interested in just click on “Home” at the top of your screen and either use the Search engine or click on the category or tag of choice on the left side of the screen.

To all new visitors! Welcome!!

You have found a great group of supportive women who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.

Hugs
Carrie

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5,188 responses to “Support Forum

  • Ellen

    Guys sorry to ask yet again for more guidance, but if you know in your hear a situation is destroying you – you don’t have to stay in it right??? If your head and heart is guiding you to get out???

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    • lisa51

      That’s right Ellen, then you can really begin to heal.

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      • Ellen

        Thanks Lisa. I appreciate the reply. It’s been tough this week and things that should not bother me have been – like hearing he is going on annual leave for 3 weeks in April. REALLY hurts because my imagination has me convinced of something massive. I absolutely know in my head and heart that I NEED to get away from him in order to heal. I’m just so scared like I keep saying of making the worst mistake of my life.

        Does anyone know what I mean by having a permanent ‘ache’ in the area of your heart? Does that make sense?

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        • Ellen

          Sorry I always think of something else to say – how long does it really take, once you’ve made the decision to move on – to actually do it? Do you need more qualifications to get a better job, is it a long process to find more work – do you just take anything going to get away?? What way does this work?? The fear of the unknown is severely holding me back.

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          • Claire

            Ellen,

            Have you had an appointment with a psychiatrist or some mental health professional yet? You expressed thoughts of hurting yourself and others here. That is very serious. The number one thing you need to do right now is get some help. We are not professionals here and do not want to be responsible for guiding a mentally unwell individual. You may be in need of intensive therapy and/or medication and we simply cannot provide that. The next post you make it would be great if you could tell us that you are in treatment and under the care of a doctor. That should be your number one concern at this point. There are emergency care doctors you can talk to right now. You do not have to wait for an appointment. Please speak with a professional.

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            • ellie2013

              Ellen,

              When you posted early yesterday you said you were going to speak to your doctor. YOU said that same day. Did you/ have you? And if NO why not? Why would you continue to take yourself to work when you are in the mental state you are in KNOWING you will be more upset and knowing that you wish to harm yourself and others? As Claire said, there are emergency care physicians available 24/7. I assure you that they have heard it all and seen it all and whatever you say to them will not shock them. They have the means to get you the help you need immediately. Isn’t that the most important thing right now?

              I am not sure why him going away for 3 weeks in April would upset you. If he treats you as badly as you say he does you should be looking forward to him not being there to abuse you. I would be praying that he would change his plans and leave next week and maybe for 2 months. Something massive you said. How can anything that is happening in his life, anything he does outside the office impact you now?

              There are some very serious things that you have to settle with in yourself Ellen. Things you need to get professional help with. To resolve them, put them away, begin to heal. Get on a steadier course. We need to know you made that call today.

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              • Ellen

                Hi girls. I called the doctor today but they closed at 5. I’m embarrassed to ask for an emergency doctor as they would have to come to my home – what if they were to commit me or something?? I will ring again on Monday and get an appointment.

                With regards to him, it’s more the not knowing what he’s doing for 3 weeks or the fact that he can supposedly go on holiday with her (if that is what he is doing I don’t know I’m just surmising because he’s 40 next July) that is killing me. It’s the uncertainty and going from him sharing with me, to shutting me out but still having to overhear things because I now have to sit right beside him. I mean do narcissists go on holidays with partners??? If they don’t love why do they go on holidays???

                I hope that makes sense, I do NOT want to live like this anymore. I feel stupid going to the doctor as if I ask for help again this will now be the 4th time, however my last three were counsellors, advisors and not psychiatrists. Do I have to ask for a psychiatrist? My mom brother know nothing of these problems by the way. So I’m pretty much alone here aside from my friend Mark.

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                • ellie2013

                  Where do you live Ellen? Do they not have emergency rooms? I know for a fact that here in the US EVERY emergency room has a connection with psychiatric services. I have never heard of a closed doctors office sending a doctor to your home, ever. They usually tell you to go to the nearest emergency room in an emergency. And thinking about doing harm to yourself is an emergency as is wanting to harm others.It’s Friday night and the weekend is ahead of you, what is stopping you from the getting the help you desperately need?

                  I am sorry, I do not think you want help. Not if going for help will mean letting go of your fantasy of the N. You just do not want what you had in your mind that what it was to you was not the same for him. You want it to continue, you want it to stay just the way it is, with out the anxiety. You want to be right there to KNOW everything that is happening in his life, to hear and see who he talks to and what he says. You figure if you hold on long enough he will be nice eventually. And you are having a tough time deciding whether to leave the job or not, not because of whether you will be able to find another one or not, but because you know if you leave that one you will not be able to see him or hear him. You won’t know what is going on with him.

                  You say it is not whether he is going on vacation with Ericka or not and then go on to ask ” I mean do narcissists go on holidays with partners??? If they don’t love why do they go on holidays???” Sounds very much to me like it does matter and it matters alot. At least to you. I need to ask why? Why would it matter what or who he does what with after 5 years? N’s have partners, long relationships, lots of short ones at the same time. They take vacations, cruises, and do pretty much whatever the hell they feel like doing, whenever they want to do it. And do it for as long as they feel like it, till they don’t. They can do whatever they want cuz they don;t give a damn what anyone else feels or thinks about what they are doing. He is NOT going to change and you are not going to figure him out because neither is possible. YOU can’t win.

                  Let the fantasy go. It’s over. No one can ever go back to the beginning. Please get yourself some help.

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          • lisa51

            Every situation is different. There are no hard and fast answers. You do need to have faith in yourself and an attitude that things will work out. Fear is something we all have to overcome. It can be crippling. But you are already crippling/torturing yourself as it is, so what could be worse?

            Liked by 1 person

  • Ellen

    I live in a small town and I telephoned the surgery at 5 and they had closed for the day. It is not a hospital. It was a small local doctors office. I thought it was something that I took that step.

    I DO want help to make ME understand why he matters to me so much. Maybe I shouldn’t post here until I have got the help and then you will know I’m serious? Believe me, this is about as much fun as a root canal. I want it to stop. Of course where I live has emergency care, but I thought that was only for RTAs and injuries etc. I want HELP. I’m just terrified.

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    • ellie2013

      Let us know what the Emergency Room doctors say. Tell them everything including wanting to harm your self , others, the sensitivity to sounds etc. It may be scary , I understand that, but isn’t the thought of not having to live like that another day worth it? Isn’t it scarier to go and on like you have been? You say you want it to stop. I am afraid professional help, more than you can get in a small doctors office , will maybe be necessary. Take the step for you………

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      • Ellen

        Hi girls. I made the step of walking into the surgery today and I’ve been given a special appointment next week. I am still hurting but I don’t want to live like this anymore. Is it normal to have had more than one therapist?

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        • Elisabeth

          Ellen, I tried several therapists and no one was the right one. It is difficult to find a therapist who knows enough of narcissistic abuse. I also had cognitive therapie, and one who listened and gave her advice. For me talking to my friends helps very much. Doing things with them and trying not to think the whole day of the narcissist. At some time you will notice, that you are not thinking about him for an hour and maybe more. The best way is always going ‘No Contact’. But that also means not wanting to know what he is doing. And that is the hard part. Maybe we became a kind of control freaks, because we were very busy to lead everything in the right way. I was used to do so many things for him, with him, the household, my work, preventing him from being angry at me etc. When I left one and a half year ago, missing that was also one of the things I had to deal with. I couldn’t see it as a blessing not doing that anymore. But as they say, time is on your side. I hope you are going to be okay.

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  • ellie2013

    Hello Ladies ( and men )

    This post may appear to be off topic, but I assure you, in a lot of ways it is not. I am sure that most of you here, those in the US anyways and perhaps some of you abroad know the name MONICA LEWINSKY. Sure ya do :) That name, like no other speaks OW louder than any other name in US history. We all here, at one time or another have “downed” the OW. Made fun of her. Called her names. Blamed her. Not often have we stopped to even wonder what she was feeling. Well, after almost 20 years after her unfortunate relationship with the then President of the United States, that she was so obviously blamed for, ridiculed and almost shamed to death ( remember that term), she has just recently made her first public speech ever. It is powerful and has a powerful message in it for us all. I believe in her wanting to take a stand against cyber bullying. See what you think:

    http://www.forbes.com/…/full-transcript-monica-lewinsky-sp...

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  • ellie2013

    I agree with you completely Claire. But this is where the blurred line begins. There is the school of thought that says by saying that the victim allows the N to abuse, enables, we are ‘blaming’ the victim. There is a point in my mind anyways that once you realize , somewhat what you are dealing with, you have a responsibility to yourself and your children to somehow begin to extricate yourself from the situation. Certainly counselors can help bring you to that point too. But you must want it. Must want to get better. make life better, somehow. If not for yourself but for your children. I felt very sad reading the post you responded to. Felt sad that someone would not think twice about allowing an azzhole back not only into her life but into her childrens life. But I do accept for some, having the azzhole , they think, is so much better than being alone. at least he is in their bed, at the moment. regardless of where or whom he has been with. and in that moment it was very clear how much or an addiction it is. It puts a crack or heroine habit in personifed form. an addict knows that the drug will eventually kill them and they do not care, they live for the feeling of the moment, even if it doesn’t last, they have it for that one fleeting moment. And they live for that moment. Will give up anything. Their pride, their health, their children. As much as we, as women do not like to think it, being alone is not the worst thing in the world. It can be the best for us, truly. To learn to rely on us, know we are capable and worthy. And to know we are strong :) No matter what. Isn’t that what we should be showing our children? So that the cycle of abuse does not continue?

    Big hugs to all the ladies ( and men ) here. Praying for us all.

    Ellie

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  • Carrie Reimer

    Loujean, it put a huge smile on my face to read your “colorful language” To know that starting this blog has helped you and so many others change their circumstances and better their lives makes what I went through all worthwhile. Every time I see a woman get strong and stand up for herself I can’t help but feel a sense of pride. Not for anything I have done but to just see a woman be strong and stop taking the abuse makes me proud of all strong women.
    It is such an empowering feeling to stand up for yourself and say “I am not taking shit from anyone” to be in control of your life and emotions. It is mind boggling that anyone male or female could think they have a right to do whatever they want and expect to get away with it, and for decades they have……….but things are changing. Because of all the other people out there with blogs and a voice speaking out, because of people like you who stand up for themselves and lay charges and speak the truth. What is that saying
    “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
    ― Margaret Mead
    Hugs
    Carrie

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  • ellie2013

    Morning Claire and Gem

    I am like you Claire, I am so confused at this moment. Last we had heard, Gem had left the N due to contracting an STD she got from the N from him convorting around with Hookers during his 6 months absence.

    I am sitting here wondering what could possibly be so wonderful about a man ( using the term loosely) that sticks his dick inside of everything ( including the “plumber” , her words, not mine) that you not only go back but get back into bed with him? Hence, getting kicked and verbally abused for having a dream? I must be missing something. I am hoping she can explain so we can try and understand.

    Worrying about calling him? WHY? Why would anyone call someone like that? He sounds worse than the devil himself.

    Yes, the poor children. What they are learning, not the least of how to grovel and not have any respect for your self or your health. That abuse is ok if it is given by your husband and finally even when he leaves you ( a blessing! ) you sit there and wait for him and try not to call him for support. The person that infected you and endangers your childrens well being. Their mothers health?

    yes, perhaps re reading all the prior responses might help. As well as intense therapy. I can only offer prayers. I am fresh out of advise.

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  • Claire

    Good Morning Ellie,

    I agree 100% with everything you said. I believe this has nothing to do with the N or the qualities he has that clearly we’re missing. We know he is scum- bottom line. Let’s call a spade a spade. This comes back to Gem, as it comes back to all of us when we are with an N. Gem is a N’s goldmine. She has no self respect, no self love and no boundaries. Her husband can do anything, physically abuse her, infect her with sexually transmitted diseases, leave her time and time again and she will just continue to take him back. There is no way I could even imagine it. I got a small taste during my brief relationship with my exN and I had enough. I remember saying to myself, no sir, I will not allow you to treat me this way. Loving him was coming at a cost of loving myself and I could not and would not accept that. Anytime a man makes us chose between loving them and loving ourselves, its time to get out. Like I said, I just feel very sorry for Gem and the children at this point. I just couldn’t live like that, no way. Yes, intense therapy, starting to try and learn how to love herself, respect herself… I don’t know SMH. But when a parasite attaches itself to a host and the host just sits there and lets it drain them to death… who is the real problem, the parasite or the host?

    I just took my nephew to see the Disney movie Bears this past weekend. It was a documentary of sorts where this camera crew taped this bear and her two cubs in the wilderness for one year. Well the papa bear was nowhere to be found, so I guess they impregnate the females and get lost (surprise, surprise). But the mama bear has to protect her cubs from other bears and animals that want to eat them, search for food and eat as much salmon as she can so that she can feed her cubs milk throughout the winter hibernation, she has to do it all. It was just fascinating to me how the mama bear has to be so strong and do everything on her own. Just goes to show how tough females are in nature and in life. I don’t really know why I brought that up…

    Anyway, how are you Ellie?

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  • ellie2013

    :) Claire xx hugs xx

    I am being a Mama bear as usual, and a Gamma Bear LOL It’s all I know how to do. Instincts. Being on our own is best when we have not made good choices in the past. I am strong, capable and when push comes to shove, I like myself. Some things I would change, am working on them but most, well, I have worked long and hard to get where I am. If I can do it, anyone can.

    How’s you?

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  • ellie2013

    I am going throw this in, for what it is worth. Since N’s have run rampant for generations in my family of origin, I worry about the grand baby. Have always , her mama and I tried to set boundaries for her to follow. Taking a stand, not being a “follower” that type of thing. Well, there was an incident in school on Friday. A little boy that has the assigned lunch seat next to her and picks on her hit the bottom of her drink bottle while she had it tilted up to her mouth at lunch thus spilling the drink all over her. She stood up, I guess she was shocked her juice was all over her not in her. Her first words to him” I am telling!” His response ” You are going to tell on me? Get me in trouble? ” Her response ” YES! You had no right to touch me or my drink” Him ” But I will get in trouble” Her: “I do not care” And tell she did! Marched herself to whatever teacher would listen :) We are proud of her. It’s little things like this, they have to start young. You have to support them. Give them boundaries. Talk. Communicate. Be watchful. Somehow have to break the pattern.

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  • Claire

    Ellie,

    Awww (((HUGS)))… I am with you. I think that was my point. If a papa bear comes along, he better be a really good guy who can help and bring something to the table! Otherwise, why bother??? The mama bear can do it all fabulously and on her own, feed her babies, provide for them, nurture them, shelter them. Although I don’t have any cubs, that’s what I do for myself. I just cannot see being bothered with someone who brings nothing but instability, selfishness and pain and is an overall burden.

    I feel like I’ve come a long way. Even though my breakup wasn’t that long ago, I feel like a completely different person. I’m an N’s nightmare. They wouldn’t want to be bothered with me. I am too mouthy and quick to tell a guy to buzz off, I don’t need you.

    You’re right… being able to look in the mirror and truly like the person looking back at you is so important. I’m working on myself too. When you work on you, you can never go wrong. I have this yoga teacher who is awesome, I mean in great shape, killer physic, been doing yoga for like 20 years… and she regularly takes other people’s classes just to learn and improve herself… No matter how good someone is they can always get better. I’m just working, taking care of my dog and planning a vacation with my Mama bear… so life is good. I am blessed. :-)

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  • claire

    That’s great Elllie! I agree, it starts early… especially with a girl who will grow up to be a woman. Its so crucial to teach them early to love and respect themselves and have boundaries.

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  • Carrie Reimer

    I agree totally Ellie, it is the little things like spilled juice that later turn into a woman not calling the cops because it will get the guy in trouble. Allowing someone to pay the consequences of their actions and not feeling responsible to save them from that and too many times especially little girls are taught to “play nice”.
    I think setting a good example is important also. I didn’t have a girl but even with my boy I taught him how to treat a woman with respect, for that matter everyone with respect and manners but I also taught him that his feelings count. I always listened to what he had to say and then sometimes I would change my mind if I had said no, or I would compromise and I was always able to back my decision with logic. People said I was too soft on Kris but I never wanted to be the kind of parent that said, “Do it because I said so.” or for him to feel his feelings didn’t matter.
    The end result is a man who is confident, self-sufficient, hard working, respectful of women but not expecting a woman to complete him either or that he can;t get by without a woman. I think it is just as important that our boys are self aware. it is possible to be self aware, strong and firm in your boundaries and still be respectful of other’s beliefs and values. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

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  • Carrie Reimer

    Claire, so nice to hear such a positive attitude!! You are so right!! We have to take care of number 1 and work on ourselves. As much as the N was wrong to abuse the victim, at some point the victim has to take control of their own life and take responsibility for their future happiness and safety. The best way to do that is to know and love yourself. That never ends, you can always be a better person and learn more about yourself. The more in tune a person gets with themselves the less they need a man in their life and the higher their standard become in what they will accept from a man. The more in tune you are with yourself the easier it is to stand firm with your boundaries etc.
    The more you like yourself and believe in yourself it is amazing how easy it is to say, “No, I don’t want this and walk away.” No self doubt,
    it is such a liberating feeling.
    Good on you!! I am loving it!!

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  • Carrie Reimer

    Gem, I agree with everything everyone else has said here. It is hard to know what to say because most of us would have drawn the line quite a while ago. At this point I am not very sympathetic because I just can not understand how a woman can put her children through this time after time.
    You said in your last messages that you and the children had become happy with him gone and yet you let him back in and then you ran for safety with the children and he locked you out of the house so you couldn’t even get clothes for yourselves. At that time I had said the children had to come first and this had to end.
    At this point you are abusing your children as much as he is. A parent has to put the children first above their own personal desires no matter how self destructive they are.
    If you were single I would say, whatever, do what you want because you always do any way. You come in and cry about all the horrible things he does to you, there is nothing left for him to do except bring another woman home and have sex with her right in front of you. Yet the minute he walks through the door, without an apology or even a feeble attempt at lying!! you take him back. You don’t even ask for an apology. (I guess you know it is pointless) you just spread your legs and let him back into your bed.
    He isn’t disrespecting you, YOU are disrespecting yourself.
    Where this is all going to end up is beyond anything I can imagine because it appears you have no boundaries whatsoever.
    I feel the most sorry for your children, what they must be going through is heart breaking.
    I wish we could help you but we have all tried time and time again and you don’t listen. I know you will say it is out of your control, you love him so much you can’t say no.
    I am sorry that does not hold water after a certain point. You can not possibly love someone who treats you this way. You are addicted, you have such low self esteem you believe you deserve it or some other self defeating self depreciating thoughts you have playing in your head,
    My suggestion would be to find someone to take care of your children who will give them a stable home and get yourself into extensive counseling and when you are strong again be the mother your children deserve.I am sorry to be this brutal but really, sympathy doesn’t work. Someone needs to give you a shake and make you open your eyes.
    I will be praying for your and the children.

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  • Claire

    Thanks Carrie! Yes I finally feel like I am equipped to go out into the world without worrying about a man hurting me or becoming someone’s victim. It’s such a refreshing and freeing feeling. I know I have control over what happens to me. I know I do not need a man. My standards are very high, maybe too high LOL. I sometimes think I’ll be single forever because the men I meet simply don’t meet my standards. But I’m not going to lower my standards just to be with a man. If he can’t meet my standards I simply say no thanks and move on. I think that’s what is wrong with a lot of us women, we think having a sub-standard man is better than having no man at all. Having a man in my life would be a cherry on top, but I’m already the cake. I’m enough for me.

    I owe a lot of this to you. I want to thank you for this site. It has helped me more than I can say. That is why I keep coming here, because I always learn more and find more benefits in reading other’s stories, your posts, women who have made it out of the darkness like you give me great inspiration. Thank you, Carrie.

    Liked by 2 people

  • ellie2013

    Gem,

    You are right,we don’t know you. We only know what you have told us, what you have written. And you have written plenty. And each of us has responded to what you have written based on the facts as you have presented them. It’s all we can do.

    Each and every time you have posted, it appears, by what you have written, you have gone lower and lower into the N’s abyss as you called this place. You wrote ( from the bed you were sharing w/ him, after he had been gone 6 months with no communication or care about his children ) that he would not talk to you, wouldn’t explain where or why he had been gone. But there in bed with him you were. You told us he had locked you out of the house with your children so you could not get your possessions, you told us you now have an std ( you can only get those by having sex, btw , which means you again were having sex with him, bed or floor does not matter which) and then you post HE is leaving you again and ask for support to not call him. WTF? What are we supposed to think other than what you have told us? If there is more to the story ( and I am sadly sure there is) please share.

    What you have told us is extremely damaging to children to witness. They hear and see and get unspoken messages from the abuse they are witnessing. And it is abuse to subject them to what you have described.

    I am wondering how much the amazing therapist knows of what you have told us? Did she think it was a great idea to jump in bed w/ him after he had been gone screwing hookers, plumbers ( and probably bakers and candlestick makers too ). Did she tell you we were incorrect to change the locks on your home to protect your children? Did she tell you to have the bed made us fresh and pretty and the pillows fluffed just in case he showed up so that you could jump in immediately and not miss the chance before he might have had a change of mind? After he had locked you out of the home and you had to run to the neighbors for safety , did she tell you to go back, no matter what, safety be damned, get back into that house with him, subject your poor children to more dysfunctional BS, they had not had enough already?

    To suggest extreme extensive therapy was the ONLY advise and support ANYONE could suggest based on the facts as you presented them.

    Yes, only 3 weeks….no big deal right? So much permanent damage can be done to children in that amount of time. Perhaps we seem cruel and heartless and not compassionate however, we are seeing very clearly what you are describing. Perhaps it is just not the kind of support you are wanting to hear. AND, just maybe YOU are not the one that is seeing the situation clearly. Please go back a read all that you have posted in the past. It’s all there, in black and white.

    God bless, still praying for your poor kids.

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  • Carrie Reimer

    Gem. maybe I did misunderstand you. I am not going to argue with you about how you feel. i can only go on what you post here and what has been the outcome of any advice we have given you. Numerous times you have come in crying about the horrible treatment you have received from your husband and we have supported you and given you honest heartfelt advice and never hear from you again until the next time he does something horrible the last two times it was he came back from his 6 month vacation and you let him in. I know I know he “just showed up” your talking to the queen of de nile so you can’t fool me. You let him in, you didn’t want to rock the boat so you fell into bed with him and then it was done. You then try to set some rules, find out what the hell he has been doing and he refuses to tell you. What can you do, he’s in the house now.
    You knew he was screwing around on you while he was gone but you had unprotected sex with him anyway and got an STD.

    My ex went away for 6 months to Sudan as a missionary, I had no reason to suspect he was with a woman, and there was no way he could call me from there but when I discovered he had been with another woman I kicked his ass out and never had sex with him again. Your ex didn’t even try to lie. why should he? you just let him in and fell into bed with him. Why would you do that if you are not in love with him? for your children?
    THEN he kicked YOU and the kids out and you are crying because you can’t get back in to get clothes and we tell you to call the cops and not go back in that house and the next thing we hear is he has decided he is moving out. I don’t think for one minute you told him to get out,
    I will NOT back down on the fact that children witnessing this kind of behavior from their parents is terribly damaging to them. Look at how you react, you have told us you couldn’t function when he was gone, you were calling and not getting an answer etc. You can not tell me the children do not feel the tension, see you crying, aren’t afraid when daddy kicks them out of the house and you have to go to the neighbors. That is horrific for a child.

    I am sorry, you did not hear what you wanted to hear but i will kiss butt to make people feel better about their choices. And that is what this is. He is no longer an abuser and you are the victim. You are choosing to be the victim and have chosen to be the victim for some time now. IF you truly have had enough and are determined to make this break then I am behind you 100% and we will all be there when you need someone to talk to. We are all just sick of listening, giving advice and then hearing how you totally ignored us and went back.

    I realize it is hard, I know that as much as anybody but there comes a time you have to face reality and admit you are perpetuating the problem and contributing to it and it is undoubtedly damaging your children.

    Ok you made a mistake letting him come back after 6 months, God only knows what you were thinking but we all make mistakes. But I swear if the next time we hear from you it is to say he has given you another std or has disappeared for 2 weeks you will get another earful. If you come in and are talking about how he is being a jerk and not paying child support and you have been no contact for a few weeks then you are going to have everyone’s support.

    Really, think about it. how else are we supposed to react? Yes you ARE talking to people who have been there and we feel this way, so it has to be pretty bad for us to come down this hard on you. And not one of us, all of us. Because you needed a wake up call.

    I send hugs and prayers your way.
    Carrie

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Good to see you Bluecitygirl! great advice.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Claire sorry for taking so long to reply, I got a little busy with Jill, Gem and Louise and then had a full email box for a few days but I appreciate your thanks. I am just happy that i was able to help in anyway. It is a great site, because of the people who come here, I am very proud of everyone who comes in here. They are all very caring kind souls and I get something out of here everyday. Someone inspires me or I learn something new myself. Just knowing I am helping people has been so healing for me.
    It is so refreshing to hear a woman say she is the cake! lol You are right, women have been “settling” and I for one would rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle for less than what I deserve.
    I think that is the pay off for all the hurt the N caused. People say, “oh you’ll get over it and find a man some day, you’ll be ok.” and I always think, I know I am ok! that is why I don’t need a man, because I KNOW I am ok. It is not a bad thing to be happy and content without a man, to not need a man to feel complete. Personally I would love a committed relationship where we keep our whole places because I am just not into catering to man 24/7. I like my freedom and a man is going to have to have a lot to offer me before I am going to give up the life I have on my own.
    Thank you Claire

    Like

  • ellie2013

    Good Morning Gem and Happy Mothers Day!

    I am sorry if we misunderstood your situation. I believe I speak for us all when , going by what you had previously told us, YOU wanted to be rid of the N. But your statement:

    ohhh if i did not have children ti this n I would have told him to stay the fuck in his country but my son loves his dad.

    says it all. From that statement, I guess it is safe to say you knew he was coming back and you welcomed him back, for your sons sake, of course.

    We were going by the premise that he just showed up. There is a difference if you made a conscious choice to allow him back into your house and into your bed, I guess. Not much, but a difference.

    Usually, you are right, the woman has to plan to leave safely in an abusive situation. You told us HE keeps leaving YOU, which is very different. Which gives YOU an opportunity that most abused women do not have, you CAN call the police when he is gone, YOU can change the locks and you CAN tell him to NOT come back, that you will see him in court to arrange visitation so he CAN see his son who loves him. It seems to me, and I really don’t mean to be unsupportive but YOU are wanting to be a part of his relationship with his son, like a package deal. HE can see his son but he has to HAVE you too. Most times that doesn’t work, as you have found out.

    On the other side, what have YOU done to be rid of the abuse? What have you done to protect you, your son and to extricate yourself from his control as you put it. Since you work in an abused womans shelter or counselling center you KNOW that women HAVE to help themselves, that the victim card can only be played for so long. That at some point, allowing him back , going back, is putting yourself and your children in grave danger.

    I am not going to defend this blog or Carrie. There is nothing to defend. This place is a God send to women in the grips of an N. The facts are laid out, the symptoms the signs. The support is here for those that want it. The support to leave , not to stay involved with them. It is not a place to complain and keep doing the same thing over and over again. This is a forum of some of the most compassionate women I know, but they will tell you things ” straight”. They will tell you things that perhaps you can’t see. Won’t see.

    I wish you well. I wish you safety. And most of all I wish you PEACE.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Gem, I have never wanted my blog to be a place where women come to get support to stay in the relationship; there are blogs out there where it seems that is their purpose, the same women come in year after year bitching about the same things over and over again. I was there myself, where the bitching about them and being a victim becomes a way of life. It is very real result of domestic abuse, the victim “becomes” a victim and without the asshole in their life they have no identity. Yes, I have said many times that I stayed 9 years too long in a 10 year relationship but I like to think part of the reason for that is because my son was not living with me. I can’t imagine staying in an abusive relationship because of my child. Because i feel it is my duty as a mother to protect my child and I would not have come down on you as hard if it was only you in the relationship. You are an adult and if you choose to stay with an abusive man that is your business, but when it involves children then I tend to take a stronger stance because it is so damaging to the children. No children want their parents to divorce, even in abuse situations they want the abuse to stop but they don’t want the family split up. They are too young to know the damage that is being done to them mentally. It is especially damaging if the child really loves both parents. I can remember laying in bed as a child listening to my mom and dad fighting and wishing to God they would just split up and end the fighting all ready. Most definitely it affects how I feel now about parents that stay the together for the kids. Don’t kid yourself, they don’t stay together for the kids, they stay together for themselves.
    Growing up with fighting damages them far more than living with one happy parent and having visitation with another happy parent. At least if they split the children know the will never be locked out of their house because daddy is mad at mommy because mommy got mad at daddy for disrespecting her and giving her an STD. Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is acceptable that the man of the house disappears for 6 months and then just walks in like nothing happened? Because that is what he is learning and your daughter; do you want her putting up with what you have?
    Our children learn from what they see. I am sorry if you don’t want to hear that but it is the truth. I am shocked that you volunteer with women in domestic violence and still think it is better to stay with the abusive partner. Staying is more damaging to your son’s relationship with his dad because it forces him to see his mother mistreated and puts him in the horrible position of defending his mother or taking daddy’s side. He has to do one or the other to make it ok in his mind.
    If you work with abused women then you know the abuse only ever gets worse, never better.
    I went back over all the comments you have made and the replies given by myself and the other women in here and everyone has been very supportive and gave sound advice and every single time there was no reply from you until the next time he abused you and then you came in told us what happened, asked for help, (in those words, help) and we gave advice and you disappeared and again when he abused you again you got good sound advice and concern from everyone.
    I have no desire to push anyone over the edge but I am not to coddle and sympathize with someone who is not doing something to help themselves and just comes in to cry the blues. I am not going to say oh that asshole, how horrible time after time again, I am going to give you solutions and support you through the tough journey after leaving him. But I admit I have no patience with women who refuse to take the advice given when they ask for it.
    Yes I went back myself and it was stupid of me but I also didn’t know what i was dealing with, I didn’t realize how evil he was because I hadn’t researched like you have. I am here to share what I learned and to tell women that it does not get better. I am here to give women what I didn’t have, knowledge.
    Like I said before if you have really left I will support you in your journey.
    But I am not going to argue with you as to whether I was sympathetic enough for you. There are many other sites that might be better suited to what you are looking for. You were not centered out, Ellie, Claire and me all call a spade a spade and it may hurt, but it is the truth and I think we have all lived on wishes, hopes and false promises too long and need the truth. You won’t get coddled in here. You kept saying that things were so much worse than what you were writing here yet now you are saying it only got abusive the last three weeks. Your message about him coming back was at the end of march that is 6 weeks ago and at that time you had an STD and things were worse than we knew. Now you are retracting that?
    I agree that leaving has to be done with caution and you have had 1 perfect opportunity to leave in complete safety and then another not so ideal opportunity when he kicked you out of the house and we all told you not to go back because he was building his alibi should he kill you. You could have called the police and been escorted to get your things. You are making it difficult to leave because you keep taking him back. You should know that every time you take them back the abuse gets worse and the probability of the violence escalating is greater until it is too late.
    Sorry you are upset with the blog, I/we have helped many people, in fact recently I went so far as to get the FBI to check on a woman and offer her help leaving. I will do everything within my power to help a woman who is in a bad situation but I am not going to candy floss it or let them lie to themselves. it almost got me killed, I am here to hopefully prevent women from dying.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Barbara

    Well said, Carrie! <3

    Like

  • Claire

    I agree 100% Carrie.

    Like

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