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Support Forum

Hi all, things may look a little different here. I have taken the page “Ending the Relationship with A Narcissist” and made it into a support forum. It is where everyone has decided to congregate which is awesome but people that go to different posts don’t know everyone is here and might miss out on the great support system we have going here.

This page has the same link that it always had so you should get the same notification when someone comments but it will appear on the Home page and “Support Forum” and there is another “Leaving the Narcissist” page on the home page also.
I did it this way because people had mentioned they were concerned about changing their link.
I hope this works for everyone, I am just trying to make it easier for people to find the support they need.

I would also like to mention to everyone coming in here for advice or information; there are many articles (over 400) on the subject of narcissism, covering topics such as self doubt, he wants you back, no contact, and much more. To find information on the topic you are interested in just click on “Home” at the top of your screen and either use the Search engine or click on the category or tag of choice on the left side of the screen.

To all new visitors! Welcome!!

You have found a great group of supportive women who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.

Hugs
Carrie

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4,813 responses to “Support Forum

  • Kathy

    Happy Birthday Carrie, My first husband, a wonderful man, had the same April 5th birthday :)

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Kathy, thank you for the birthday wishes! It’s funny but most of my friends have their birthday within a few weeks of mine. Aries men and women are different I dated a couple of guys who were Aries and they were really laid back but very kind men.

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  • Claire

    Happy Birthday Carrie! I hope you have a wonderful day! My dad’s birthday is April 8th… I wish you could stop by for the BBQ! You are very appreciated. Thank You. :-) :-) :-)

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  • Kathy

    Carrie, My first Aries husband was laid back and very kind. My best girlfriend(also an Aries.. Apr.11) is more like you.. extremely kind and more on the fiery side.. Aries IS a fire sign :)

    Your posts lately have been wonderful. I especially like your post this morning about when the pain goes away… These posts help all of us heal and understand. Thanks for putting so much effort into your blog and thus, making it a success :)

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Kathy, aaawwww thank you, I do put a lot of effort into the blog, I think that is another Aries trait, if you are going to do something give it your all or don’t bother. :) I don’t “follow” my horoscope day to day but I find it really interesting how the personality traits are accurate and many times the over all events in the lives of people of that sign do follow the same path. When I was going through a particularly bad time with JC I was thinking, you can’t tell me all Aries women are going through this. But then I reconnected with a friend who’s birthday is close to mine and come to find out her husband had been having an affair at the same time and she went through a horrible time.
      Aries are the fire sign for sure. I have learned to check my temper and but I have always been slow to anger but when I reached my boiling point look out! and very quick to forgive but any one hurt someone I love I would take on anybody no matter how big or scary! I have been told I am a bleeding heart and wear my heart on my sleeve, always taking in stray animals and such but I never let a man disrespect me or abuse me in any way. My dad told my first husband, “she will take your shit and keep taking it and then one of these days she will have had enough and you’ll be gone so fast you won’t know what hit you and you’ll wonder what the hell happened and it will be too late. Once she is done, she is done.” That is why my family and friends had such a hard time trying to understand what was going on with JC, why I couldn’t understand what was going on with JC. I had never ever been a door mat. But I had never dealt with a psycho either. LOL

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  • Kathy

    Carrie.. AND you deserve every kind wish you get for trying to help others so much!!

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  • gemma

    Well things have gotten a whole lot worse with my n. Not only has he abandonded my kids and I for 6 months he has ambushed me and now I have an std. He has admitted to having sex with proatitutes and has been sobbing for 24 hours sating how sorry he is i feel absolutely distraught and cant believe it gets worse and worse by the second, I have moved out of the house with the kids, I feel sick empty, betrayed, shocked what this man has put me through. I have been the most loving wife loyal kind put up with this hell for 7 years I dont understand, He is fucking prostitutes and i cant even walk out of the house with a skirt on, its sick its hell its confusing, its unbelievable what this man has put me through
    Help

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    • ellie2013

      Gemma,

      First of all I am so sorry you contracted an STD from the bastard and i am hoping and praying for your sake it is the kind that can be cured and does not become chronic. As far as HIS tears go, pay no attention to them PLEASE. He MAY feel sorry for himself but not for YOU. They have NO remorse ever. He will be back screwing whatever he can as soon as he is able, perhaps before he is cured even. they just don’t care about anyone. Really, sweetie, are you SHOCKED, surprised????? HE was gone 6 months, didn’t answer his phone and showed back up and got pissed when you asked why. SO, you let him into your house and into your bed :( NOW, can you not see it is time to cut your losses and go NC???? Please, please, please do what is right for your kids and keep him away from all of you. There are things worse than death I assure you…….. and it looks like he just shared one with you.

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    • Claire

      Gemma,

      I am so sorry to hear this. I’m afraid it’s what we warned you about. I truly wish you had come hear or gone back to counseling prior to agreeing to take him back. We could have told you this was going to happen. But the past is the past. Like Ellie said, I hope it’s a curable STD and not something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. That being said, it is time to move forward.

      You seem to be stuck on your husband right now. Why did he do this, why did he do that, how could he do this to me, etc. His reasons, motivations or thought process is insignificant at this point. He did what he did and the damage has been done. As we have told you before, Ns are not capable of loving others, only themselves. So it felt good for him in the moment to screw those prostitutes so he did it. He will continue to do whatever suits him for as long as he can… for as long as he’s alive… without any regard for you or your kids. But I am wondering about something. Every time we give you advice you never respond. I’m truly wondering if you’re even reading our responses or absorbing anything we say. I’m not trying to be combative at all but it’s just an honest question. What are your thoughts? Have you gone no contact as we suggested? Are you done with him or are you still trying to give him another chance?

      As I have said before, it’s really not about your husband as this point. It’s about you and your precious children and doing what is best for you and them. You need to focus on yourself and improving you. You need to examine why after 6 months of your husband abandoning you and just showing up were you so willing to take him back without any work or effort on his part. You definitely need some counseling and serious self examination to explore this. Work on yourself, build up your self esteem and learn to love and value yourself. You’re obviously very resourceful as you made it 6 months without any financial or emotional support from your husband. So you CAN do it, you have already done it. You are much stronger than you think you are. But you need to learn to value you and love yourself and truly believe that you are worth so much more. Once you can do that I really believe taking him back won’t even be an option for you. You will get to the point where you will wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place. But it takes a lot of work to get there, its not easy I’m not going to lie. But you can get there. And its a much better place to be… perhaps alone yet happy, independent, loving yourself and a great example to your children. God Bless.

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Gemma , he is crying now because he got caught NOT becuz he is sorry. He was cocky and arrogant when he came back after 6months away. I agree with everything everyone said and I too wonder if you are listening to the advice you are given by us or the counsellor you were seeing. I think I know what is going on becuz I was there. He does something that you tell yourself “that’s it, I can’t forgive this, now I can leave.” you are hurt and angry. The minute he shows any (fake) remorse or love or even if he just pretends nothing happened you forgive him. Maybe not in your heart but you don’t want to say anything to him becuz at the moment he is being nice. Time goes by and you doubt yourself and you get used to the idea. Things that are unacceptable to us become acceptable over time. If you look back to the first time he ever did something that hurt you; it was no where near this serious. You would probably happily go back to those times. But every time he hurt you he upped the anti a little bit. Now it is at the point of him bringing home an Std (I think we cautioned you about that). What more can he do to hurt you? Have you come home and find him in your bed with a woman? Or find another woman and rub your nose in the fact that she is not a psycho bitch like you and orchestrate to take the kids away? Orchestrate abuse charges against you? He will be telling people YOU gave him the std! Mark my words.
      You do not have a choice any more.
      Period. Well yes I guess you do. You can stay and buck up; resign yourself to the fact that your husband is going to screw around, get tested for stds once a month and hope to hell he doesn’t get HIV. Or you go to a shelter and get help.
      No one here can do it for you. You ask for help but you don’t take the help we give. We are spread around the world, all we can give you is the benefit of our experiences. And ALL of us will tell you that same thing. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
      and you are putting yourself and more importantly your childrens lives at risk.
      Not to mention that if you feel this bad every time you and your husband fight how do you think they feel. They are children, reliant on you to keep them safe your husband won’t do it.
      You chose to have children, they did not ask to be brought into this world. You are an adult and can do whatever you want, stay and die; it is your choice. Your kids don’t have a choice. My God I can’t imagine what is going through their heads. Can you even for a minute try to put yourself in their shoes??
      You know child welfare can take them away from you if they think the children are in danger and you are doing nothing to protect them.
      Someone has to protect them.
      You are their mother. They have to come first at all times.
      I can’t give you any more advice that we all haven’t said many times before.
      Good luck. I will pray for you
      Carrie

      Liked by 1 person

  • Susan

    I am sorry you are going through that, listen to everyone’s advice no contact, and get rid of him.
    I am dealing with an STD as well, you at least got fake tears and I’m sorry. I never got that, I just got the STD.
    Good luck,
    Susan

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  • bluescitygirl

    An STD is an STD. Tears are really irrelevant in my humble opinion. I guess I am crazy but I just don’t get why people continue to go back to these people after they fuck you over…..at what point do you stop? For me it was when physical violence was introduced to the dynamic but I read all these and that is often not enough for people to walk away…..I do not get it…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • ellie2013

      I get the “addiction” part I do…… the wanting him to love you, be there for you the not wanting to let go of the “dream” I understand the almost uncomprehensible “longing” to just hear his voice, the intense desire for one kind word. As Claire said so clearly, THIS is a problem we need to resolve inside ourselves because HE is never going to “solve” that for us.

      What, like you, I do not get, is the women, who, after something like an STD or a beating that puts them in the hospital, can “forgive and forget” and go back. To me anyways, it is like having a gun held up to your head or or childrens head. You don’t know if the gun is loaded or not and neither does the gunholder. But they are telling you to “trust them”. Do you really let them pull the trigger? Do you let them put a possibly disease ridden dick inside of you and take THAT chance? Do you risk your childrens only chance for stability and a happy childhood for the sake of a man????? There has to be a tiny small part of everyone of us that is screaming run, hide, get away. No man not a damn one of them is worth our or our childrens lives.

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      • Claire

        Ellie,

        LOL… Something I really like about you is that you always tell it like it is… straight talk, no chaser. Yes I can also relate to the addiction part… When I was with my exN and he started acting crazy I didn’t want to lose the love I believed we shared so I tried to rationalize, justify his actions and do anything just to hold on. BUT I have my boundaries and when he pushed me too far as painful as it was I had to let him go. In time I grew stronger and realized I didn’t need him like I thought I did. And in time I looked in the mirror and was like “Oh yeah, there’s that strong, fierce woman again… where have you been?!?!”

        If a man makes you choose between loving him and loving yourself it’s time to get out. Certainly bringing home an STD and putting your health in jeopardy is one of those times. Men come and go from our lives; we all have ex- husbands or ex-boyfriends. Nothing is guaranteed. That man you are sacrificing your dignity and self-worth for could be gone tomorrow and then you will be left with no one but yourself. You will have given everything to him and by the time he’s gone and on to the next chick you will be nothing but a shell. When you put yourself first and take care of you, you can never go wrong. I don’t have children but certainly if I did they would come before any man. Shoot, I have a dog and he comes first, everyone who knows me knows that. Oh, you don’t like my dog, bye-bye sombitch! When I see women choose no good men over their children it really breaks my heart. I do not understand it. The man should always come last because at the end of the day he is disposable. It baffles me that even men who aren’t Ns don’t have this problem but we women do! Men have absolutely no problem putting themselves first and taking care of number one. Why is that? I mean if the roles were reversed and a man brought home an STD what would be his reaction? Do you think he’d hesitate to kick the woman to the curb? Come on. Let’s get it right and stop getting it twisted.

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  • Susan

    I do agree,,physical violence would be the time to never go back. I went back twice, believing him that it would be like it was the first year. Now there is no forgiveness and I wish when God takes his life it a long painful death for what he did to me. Sometimes emotional abuse and being used is worst. I warned his new lady, but I bet he convinced her I was lying and moved in with him? I pity stupid people, I. Barley escaped cervical cancer, she if she is with him, will get it,that is the strain he is spreading, how stupid some people can be.
    Susan

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  • Loujean

    Gemma

    What an awful thing to have happened to you.. What a bastard… Pardon the language but it makes me sick to the stomach to hear such stories.
    The mental effect from this will impact you greatly and when the std is cured the mental damage will still be there. He has totally violated you and you must never forget that. Carries is so right in saying that the only reason he is crying and sorry is because he has been exposed and he is crying for himself, no one else. He sees himself as a victim. He is a victim of his own doing. You must be strong now and leave him behind in your life because you may end up with more than an STD next time. I know it’s easy for others to say walk away because every situation and circumstance is different but the one thing that is isn’t is the fact that he is a Narcissist. When I went back to my N I thought of all the reasons why I wanted to be with him but it was all images and thoughts through rose colored glasses. You have to put them thoughts aside and focus on the sleepless nights, the tears, the lies, the times he ignored you when you were sobbing your heart out, the STD the bastard gave you. Where was he and what was he doing when you were going through all this. He was thinking of himself, how bad life is for him, how justified he was to treat you this way because poor little him was suffering. He was out and about in the arms of other poor women using and abusing. Where was he when you were crying and how dare he come to you after what he has done and have the nerve to cry. Distance is the tool you need to use right now to free yourself of any illusions. With distance you can step out side the situation and see it for what it truly is. Distance will allow you to see what we see and then you too will pass on this advice and guidance to others. Distance will make you strong and remind you of how you felt before you ever laid eyes on the arsehole.

    Forget the STD, it will be cured or managed. Treat him like the STD and get rid of him.

    You are in all our thoughts. Don’t suffer in silence Gemma. Someone here will always reply and is always listening.

    Best wishes

    Louise

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  • stormylady

    Just stay away. I was married to my “N” for 36 years and I still had to leave. I received no love from him. Yes, we had sex and we did things and had some great times. But 99% of the time it was all about him and my feelings didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. Trust me. No matter what you do or don’t do won’t change a thing. He is who he is. I miss the sweet person but not the bad.

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  • Loujean

    Hello everyone

    I just wanted to share my good news with you. N finally was charged with harassment! I am so pleased because the Criminal Prosecution Service agreed that the evidence was enough to recognize that he has broken the law. He is due to make his first court appearance in 4 weeks time.

    He was charged on Tuesday so didn’t turn up for work but yesterday when he turned up he had a totally different look on his face. Not so smug now hey!.. I think it has finally dawned on him that I mean business and go all the way to get justice for the hell he has put me through.

    I have no idea what he will plead but if it goes to trial I am ready and willing to see it through to the end no matter how uncomfortable.

    I told the police officer who told me that I was very pleased with the outcome and thanked him for his efforts. He told me that is I wished he will apply for a restraining order no matter the outcome so he can never harass me again.

    If he is found guilty or even not guilty I am pretty sure that he will lose his job. I use to care about this but now I don’t because I won’t have to seek work else where now. I no longer care about the people at work who he has manipulated into believing that some how I am responsible for his actions. If anyone doubts me they can’t doubt the law and if they doubt the law then I will just present the evidence to them and they will soon see him for what he truly is ‘a monster’.

    All I have to do is tell the truth as I nothing to hide.

    I wanted to share this information with you because it pays to go all the way regardless the outcome. If it means the N will leave you alone that ultimately is justice and you can then get on with your life, free of pain and fear.

    Face the fear and expose them for this I believe will get rid of them for good. They can no longer get their narcissistic supply from you so you are no use to them anymore.

    Carrie … Your dedication and that of other agencies supporting victims like me has enabled me to find the strength to get this far and I thank you from the bottom of my heart xxxx

    I will keep you posted as events occur in the hope that others will benefit and find the strength too.

    Best wishes

    Louise

    Like this

    • Carrie Reimer

      Louise, Great big hugs to you!! That is great news!! thank you for keeping us up to date. It took a lot of courage for you to do this, I am so proud of you taking control of your life and happiness back. I am sure he is not so cocky any more. They are big men when they are bullying, blackmailing and destroying an innocent person just because the person said “No” . Not so cocky when they have to face the consequences of their actions and are faced with the truth. It is the generations of victims being forced into silence that has perpetuated the problem, the N’s of the world would not have gotten away with all that they have all these years had there not been a code of silence. The more women who stand up and tell the truth the more the legal system and the court have to take notice and acknowledge the problem for what it is and realize there are these evil people out there destroying lives.
      Have no doubt you have helped more women than you will ever know and never again will you be held hostage for atrocities against you that you never should have had to endure in the first place. You are amazing!!!

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  • Loujean

    Carrie thank you for your comment :) … You are amazing and it is through this site that I became strong and fought back. Reading all the stories just made me stronger so thanks to all everyone who shares them. It just confirms to each and every one of us that what we are suffering is very real and is by no means to be taken lightly.

    I will sleep well tonight xxx

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