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Support Forum

Hi all, things may look a little different here. I have taken the page “Ending the Relationship with A Narcissist” and made it into a support forum. It is where everyone has decided to congregate which is awesome but people that go to different posts don’t know everyone is here and might miss out on the great support system we have going here.

This page has the same link that it always had so you should get the same notification when someone comments but it will appear on the Home page and “Support Forum” and there is another “Leaving the Narcissist” page on the home page also.
I did it this way because people had mentioned they were concerned about changing their link.
I hope this works for everyone, I am just trying to make it easier for people to find the support they need.

I would also like to mention to everyone coming in here for advice or information; there are many articles (over 400) on the subject of narcissism, covering topics such as self doubt, he wants you back, no contact, and much more. To find information on the topic you are interested in just click on “Home” at the top of your screen and either use the Search engine or click on the category or tag of choice on the left side of the screen.

To all new visitors! Welcome!!

You have found a great group of supportive women who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.

Hugs
Carrie

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5,232 responses to “Support Forum

  • luckyotter

    Hi Carrie, I love reading your blog. I can relate to so much and you are a huge inspiration to other survivors of narcissitic abuse, including me. so i am nominating you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. If you’re interested in accepting this nomination, please visit this post: http://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    Like

  • Not perfect, but a very good person

    Carrie, you are doing such good work in the world. Thankyou. And thankyou to everyone else here x

    My now N-ex in this last year (2014 has been awful for so many!!!) turned into an incredible – transparent, at least to me – egomaniac and the abuse moved from covert to overt. I think this is because I started cutting the strings, calling him on things, and reducing, reasonably successfully, my own reactivity to his denial/rage etc. I realised that I had two choices in the dynamics of our relationship: to be caught up in his imposed and orchestrated ‘dramas’ and by virtue of being the other person in the room, to blame OR to suppress my own feelings and absorb and accept and just take it. Not a recipe for happiness or growth.

    I have realised that some of my most positive features – stoicism, strength, integrity, discretion, creativity, compassion, adaptability, patience, resourcefulness etc – have ended up being what he hid behind, mined and relied upon, and turned against me at the most diabolical and sabotaging moments, whilst also relying on it all.

    I’ve investigated quite extensively so many models with which to understand his lack of compassion, his cruelty, his secrecy and deception, his self absorption and his rage: covert depression as male defence against overt depression (very interesting and not out of the question), bipolar, ADHD, character disorder, attachment disorder, male midlife crisis, personality disorder esp antisocial…all in an effort to understand and to help and, well, to solve. I always thought I’d crack it, and I stayed in because of all my better qualities and a belief in something fundamentally good in him. None of these things being ‘it’, but all of these things being ‘it’ too. In the end, whatever you call it, it all seems to be a pathological ego issue and pathological co-dependence – I am doing a lot of work on myself too. The last thing I want is another narcissist targeting an unconscious vulnerability/innocence.

    In hindsight, what I ought to have done is thought less, figured less, acted on my own true feelings more, and acted on them decisively. And far sooner. Decades sooner. I knew when it should have ended, and I have to live with the fact that it was pretty much at the beginning and that I knew it. I have to forgive myself for that, and inevitably it relates to my own upbringing and the narcissism inherent in that.

    I’m less than two months into separation, after 20 years, and we have a teenager. I’m a bit of a mess, but making efforts to cope, or seem to cope (fake it til you make it), and now having to re-employ my best qualities in service of myself and whatever professional and personal relationships and finances I am able to salvage. He is the same as he always was, I realise, but, being unmasked, and therefore primally threatened, he is hell-bent on sabotaging, undermining, defaming and controlling me in these last moments, and claiming everything, including intellectual and fiscal property, for himself. He has also turned my family against me, something I suspect he’s been working on for a while. It is quite revealing that my family have not stood by me, or even wanted to know my own view of this situation. My ex is a master of manipulation, but they are also weak and easily influenced, which is part of what I am having to process, while suffering in the extreme and being extremely isolated and stressed.

    As a friend said to me, ‘don’t focus on putting out the fires’, and she’s right; if I seem too invested in defending myself, then he’s getting to me (what he wants) and I’ll be seen by others as ‘weak’, ‘defensive’, ‘reactive’, ‘needy’ etc. Therefore, I have to accept my purgatory, try to put one foot in front of the other, and trust that in the longer term, his ugliness will be recognised, and more importantly, things for me will improve.

    As a sensitive and compassionate person, ALL of this goes against my nature and integrity, and it is all laid out now; there is nothing to not see.

    Relationships can end in various ways, often horribly, but I believe that with ultimately reasonable ethical people, this can happen with basic respectfulness. His behaviour is the very essence of injustice and, though it’s not in my being to understand it, I accept that the reality is that he wants me to suffer and go down. There is a fundamental theme here: he has to win; two people can’t both win, and free each other from a negative situation with a baseline of humanity.

    That’s probably enough for now. There is just one last thing. How many of us experience the final sabotage when we’re broke, and when it’s Christmas? I’m curious about that…

    Love and healing to us all x

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Not perfect, My relationship ended right around Christmas, but I am not sure if it was intentional on his part because I was the one to leave and it just happened that the opportunity for me to do that happened when it did. I had stayed longer than I should have also. Like I have said, i stayed 9 and 1/2 years too long in a 10 year relationship. I too could come up with a hundred excuses why he did what he did and always thought I knew the real man and he was basically a good person deep down. I thought I knew the “true” JC and I could revive him.
      I know that they leave when it is the most effective and will cause the most damage, making Christmas a good time or while a woman is pregnant, just had a child, birthdays, anniversaries, any time that will cause lasting pain and suffering.
      Turning family and friends against the victim is typical. As you stated, they want to win and that means they have to destroy the victim and leave them with nothing to recoup with. If they see the victim starting to heal they will do their best to win the victim back so they can finish the job. It is especially dangerous for the victim if they get back on their feet and then go back to the narcissist because they take it as a personal affront that the victim succeeded at surviving without the narc and he will work very hard to destroy the victim to the point of murder. There is no amicable split from a N, in essence it is a battle to the death and why it is so important to not engage with the N. It is best to not respond or react to him in any way and hope he tires of the game and moves on to fresh blood.
      The best you can do is to carry on and live the best most honest life you can, not seeking revenge or to prove how evil he is because it only give him more ammunition against the victim and makes the victim look like the crazy vindictive person he claims she is. Narcs almost always reveal their true colours, eventually. It is impossible for them to keep the mask up indefinitely and once the people who he recruited in his plot to destroy the victim are no longer useful he will devalue and discard them also.
      Quite often the N will move to another town where he is not known and his past can not follow him.
      The words humanity and narcissist are rarely found in the same sentence.
      Good luck to you and welcome to my blog
      HUgs
      Carrie

      Like

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