Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

5,422 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. clarissa

    HI, im clarissa , i had been in a relationship with a narcissitic verbually abusive person for three years.. at first everything started out great. he was a very vibrant, but shy and a thoughtful person. yet i started to feel something was off, so i had logged into his facebook to discover that he was messaging a girl ,saying inappropriate things to her and i was devestated, i asked him why, he said he didnt really have any feelings for her, he was just trying to get some weed out of her because he knew she grew it , …foolishly , i forgave him but still suffered with hurt, after that he became impatient, mean and angry….long story short, i had ended up emotionally cheating with my ex boyfriend at the time, and i had lied to my boyfriend at the time and got caught. i still wanted to remain friends with my ex , which my boyfriend didnt like, and after that our relationship went from bad to worse, he would call me all kinds of names emotional from B#### to stupid A## , humiliate me in public (screaming go get Fu****!), shove and push me, and told me to stfu. i spent months trying to talk to him , telling him that i deserved respect and i shouldnt be talked to like that or belitted ,everytime me and him got into an argument it would happen again and i would be the one chasing after him asking for us to work it out, he rarely apologized for what he did, he would say its because of you that i act this way and why do you have to keep dragging me down.. eventually he started to say he was unhappy and that he doesnt see it ever working out, i begged and pleaded and tried to speak with him to convince him to go to therapy with me. the last time i saw him we got into an explosive fight and he called me a m’f and a B****, i cried and slapped him because i did nothing wrong for him to talk like that. then we ended up crying together and i had give him the shoes he was suppose to wear on vday .. we talked and text for a couple of days , but then he became very distant and wouldnt call me and i wasent able to get ahold of him. then he tells me ” ive done you to wrong to let you be with me” . after that i found out he had a new girlfriend , after one week of not speaking to me . it hurt me so bad, i thought after everything i went through, all the emberassment, broken promises and unhappiness we would overcome it but he abruptly leaves me, and i feel out of energy, heartbroken,and depressed.

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  2. Jerry

    I am sharing something that I’ll probably catch more than a little grief over but feel is worth consideration for the masses here. If you’ve followed our progression from not being in touch to my sending M the response my ad directed at her narc, you know we reestablished contact and have since been communicating every day. Starting at the end of January, M’s narc replied to the ad I placed so I wrote him back posing as a woman interested in him after noticing him at his job. Whenever he would respond, I immediately forwarded them to M’s email. Without going into great detail, she was afforded a fly on the wall view of what he was doing without her knowledge. For the longest time, she has been caught in his spin zone and unable to break free since I’ve known her this past year.

    About the third letter he responded to, the fictitious woman he was responding to (me) began questioning why he didn’t need to take time off from a relationship ending to heal. Before sending anything back to him, I always forwarded the draft to M in the event she wanted something changed or had another question. He said their relationship ended a couple years ago along with enough information M was familiar with that she knew wasn’t the real situation he was describing to this character I was creating for him. Long story short, he was lying to the new woman trying to ‘land her’ all the while texting M asking her to let him move back in and to marry him. That was when I let a few days go between answers to his letters causing him to wonder why she wasn’t writing back. He had strategically not answered some questions so my character, D answered she was still waiting for answers to her questions. He was getting pretty hot and bothered with the whole idea he had another one in the wings so his attention to M subsided a little but was still consistent with what he was saying before.

    When M was able to read what he was saying about her to D, she was getting answers to questions that had kept her in spin mode and unable to fully break away from him. She was witnessing his lies while he was still trying to keep her tied to him with his confusion tactics and blaming her for all their problems. Last week, M admitted how angry she was with him after the way he’s been playing both her and D. Last weekend was the first time in two years M actually enjoyed herself and ate well, slept, had an actual weekend without being frozen in her depression. She had never been able to be angry at him before these recent events. She has a new tool in her arsenal now. And it’s working to help her wrap her head around how over it is with him.

    Watching him from her distance as he mirrors D by picking up on her emotional state of getting hurt catching her ex cheating on her and presenting himself as a victim as well, taking all of M’s preferences for books, food, beer, activities, in essence stealing her attributes and presenting them as his own has been quite illuminating to M. The last time she saw him, she brought him coffee and he essentially kicked her out the door in anticipation of sending his letter to D. In the letter he mentioned he was having tea which D had mentioned was her preference when M had just delivered coffee to him just minutes before. M is seeing the whole act in its twisted reality as he directs his sick attention on another woman. And yes, there is an irony at work that he admits he’s becoming emotionally attracted to D who is actually a 56 year old guy who can write. At this point, D has served her purpose and is not writing to him any longer.

    I realize many will consider this toying with a rattlesnake. My attitude is desperate measures for desperate times. M is not buying into his pleas to come back home anymore and seems to be protecting herself from him. We’ve been spending some time together talking about it and just enjoying each others’ company. She knows and is embracing how she will never become involved with him again as she continues to distance herself through no contact and redirecting herself away from him. Both M and I are fully aware of what risks we’ve taken in going to these measures. However, the dramatic difference in M has been worth it. She commented in excitement that she wasn’t crazy after all. She’s believing her gut now and not taking on the guilt and baggage he piled on her throughout their relationship.

    In summary, I know I took a chance writing the ad and getting back in contact with M after about 4 months of being out of touch. This worked for M and she’s embarked on her healing journey away from her narc. I’m remaining in my support role and we’re becoming even better friends than I could have imagined. I just thought sharing this story might offer a glimmer of hope to some too caught up in their own hell that there are ways to leave that hell behind. No two are going to share the same path away from their narcs. This just happened to work for M. There’s still much work to be done by M because we both know I can’t save her but she’s now choosing her recovery rather than facing it without really wanting it. The difference now from two weeks ago is quite amazing.

    If you must, lambast away at me. My only defense is it worked…

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    1. healing

      Jerry,

      Thanks for the update! I was sincerely worried about you two. I am the first to commend you! You exposed the piece of crap for what he truly is. I’m pretty sure you won’t catch too much flack from others here. I believe you provided an excellent service for M to get off the crazy train with these monsters and back to a sense of sanity. I’m glad she’s at a place of no contact, and to hear you both are doing better. I’m also glad you both know better not to poke a stick at a rattlesnake lol anymore. Thank you for sharing and offering glimmers of hope for those who have newly separating from a narc. Please tell M to come in here anytime for support and encouragement.

      Warm Wishes!

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  3. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Imcognito, welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry you have been going through this. N’s are so unsympathetic!! I never had anything as serious as cancer but there were a few times I was really sick and I had to beg him to take me to emergency. One time he didn’t take me until I was turning blue because I couldn’t breath.
    They always think the person is just trying to get attention and manipulate them because that’s what they do.
    I know it is hard to see right now but you Will be better off without him, promise!!
    Hugs
    Carrie

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  4. Mark

    Thank you again for your words of encouragement. I enjoy the challenge too. I see this as an opportunity to better myself as well. Everything happens for a reason Carrie, thus your blog. Thank you for it. You have helped thousands! :) Give yourself a pat on the back! You’re wonderful, amazing and resilient. Thank you. :) Please don’t take the blogs personally. Everyone is is on their own journey so I’m sure there will be dissident. Rest assured everything will be worked out according to God’s plan and in accordance.

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  5. Jerry

    Carrie- Since being back in contact with M, I’m back to being a part of her support system. I wish I had the words to fully express my gratitude for all the information you’ve put into one place to help people caught up in this nightmare. It’s proving so helpful in my own exchanges with M because I’m not doing the same things I once did before having a clearer idea of where her head was and how decimated her heart was/is.

    But a development in our situation brings me here to ask another question. I realize it will be different for each individual but I’m asking this question of you personally an if anyone else wants to offer their side, I’ll welcome any and all input. When did you know you were done questioning yourself about whether you needed to leave your N behind? How much proof was enough proof that you needed (not wanted) before you were able to make a sound decision based on your own needs?

    A little backstory to fill you in. M’s N answered the ad I mentioned I had placed. He has admitted the relationship is over in responding to the ad. She is wanting to ask more questions but I’m seeing it as more circular thinking all driven by his toxicity within her own mind. One question leads to ten which leads to a hundred ad infinitum. It could go on and on. But she is listening to me and asking me questions of ‘should she?’ to which I’m responding with my observation of questions leading to more. I’m walking a fine line here of being supportive without enabling. It’s a helluva balance to keep everything in its place. But I’m handling it alright and she is dealing with the moments by reaching out to me instead of going to his place every time the urge strikes her. She’s in the midst of one hellish war within herself right now though and I want to be able to point to someone else’s words as guidance. Just being able to recognize what is her own thinking versus what he has instilled into her is proving to be quite a battle. Do you have any nuggets of wisdom to cast into this situation?

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  6. healing

    Hi Jerry,

    It’s very devastating after ending the relationship with a narc. If you both are on this website, there’s more than a very good chance he is a narc. Please watch Sam Vaknin’s videos on youtube to learn more. Please continue to research and maybe together. You’ll find all the stories very much the same. After doing the research was the point where I put the pieces together and started to break free. I then realized I missed the idea of who she was, not who she really is. This is what helped me detach even further. Hopefully understanding this will help M as well. After further research i discovered there are not curable, and this is when I knew it was truly over.

    She’s most likely been gaslighted and brainwashed so I believe she is still extremely confused and trying to make sense of it all. I’m sure she has tons of questions, but there is no way she will get any answers from him, and the ones she gets with definitely be more lies. They are pathological liars. There is no making sense of it which is partly what’s maddening. I’m sure she feels the whole world has been turned upside down at this point.

    Please let her know that she is truly in danger. They are socio/pychopaths without guilt, remorse or empathy or conscience. They are capable of anything and derive pleasure from hurting people. The abuse will never end, and if she continues contact he will continue making her life a living hell! The ONLY way to break free is NO contact. This is common knowledge with dozens, and every website I’ve visited about narcs. I really don’t have anyone to talk to. No one understands or I could even explain it because it’s far beyond insanity. That’s why I come here. I’m very glad she has you to talk to, but I don’t know about the enablement aspect. Carrie and others might be able to help you there.

    Please tell M to come here to vent, get support, advice and encouragement. But she has to do it herself. You can’t do it for her. I’ve only gone less than 60 days without contact, and my ex is already seeking revenge. She is slandering and stalking me, and I’m almost sure she broke into my house today. These people are extremely dangerous! Please tell M to stay safe and remain strong.

    My prayers are with you both.

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  7. Bridget

    Dear Carrie,
    I need your advice again!! Sorry, I can’t work out how to post on the site.
    I’ve got this creepy co worker who won’t leave me alone. She is female as am I. I have known her for years- we both work in the same field. I work abroad for a company. She was also freelancing for this company and got herself promoted above me and has since tried to make my life hell, undermining, harassing, staring, making crass comments and trying to humiliate me. She has my boss under her thumb so it is quite difficult to complain although my boss has apparently spoken to her about her behaviour towards me on one occasion. With all of this, she wants me to her friend, take her out with me when I am in the office and basically pander to her which I am refusing to do. She tries to find out about my private life and anyone I am friends with, she immediately befriends and encroaches on. She has recently got remarried and calmed down for a time but now seems as bad as ever/ I presume she has got bored with her new husband. She comes into the office periodically so I do have a respite but she sits opposite me and stares at me, follows me around the office and generally tries to harrass me all day. She seems pretty fixated with me and it creeps me out. She is of course charming with everyone else and they all think she is fine and that I should just deal with it. To me it feels like being stalked. I lost my cool in the end and spoke frankly to my boss about her. My boss has been monitoring the situation and it has improved but she is obviously undermining and gossiping behind my back and has stressed me out completely. What can I do about her other than move on which is obviously her intention here?
    Many thanks for your advice.

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  8. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Bridget, you did fine commenting but if you go to the very bottom of the comments there is a Line that says, “Don’t be shy, leave your comment and a space below that to comment. There is also a place to tick if you want to be notified of any new comments or posts.
    For whatever reason she is fixated on you which is really creepy and has to make a person wonder what she is up to. Who knows why these people pick who they do but try to not let her get to you. They do thrive on drama and trauma and if she thinks she is getting to you it will only encourage her. She is probably jealous of you for whatever reason. Maybe she feels you are popular in the office and wants to be also and thinks you will pave the way for her. I don’t know.
    Most normal people will take the hint that someone doesn’t like them and leave them alone.

    Here is what I would do; I would keep my personal life very personal, with everyone at work, I wouldn’t discuss her or anyone else. Keep any talk about what you did on the weekend to very general chit chat and don’t share anything at work at all. And then I would be sickening sweet to her, I would go out of my way to ask her how her weekend was, turn it back on her, kill her with kindness so she has nothing to bitch about with you. I would not ask her to join you at lunch or after work or anything like that but I would not try to avoid her at work either or complain any more to the boss. Snide comments, let them wash off you like water off a duck, take it as jealousy and laugh. Knowing you are so much better than her.
    Right now from the sounds of it she is getting what she wants, you are getting flustered and uncomfortable, she is playing innocent and everyone is starting to think you are the one with the problem. The boss is going to get sick of monitoring things, this is an office and not a kindergarten and the one doing the complaining is going to get negative attention. I am not saying you don’t have reason to be uncomfortable I am just saying I can see how this is going to play out.

    it is up to you if you can’t handle it and move on but i don’t think that is necessary if you just don’t take the bait. Know what she is doing and refuse to play the game with her. She is a bully and she is getting payoff from it. If you don’t react there is no payoff.

    Years ago I worked with a woman who back stabbed me every chance she got but was super sweet to my face. It got back to me what she was saying and I never let on I knew then one day we ended up alone in the computer room (back in the day when the computer needed a whole room) I closed the door and backed her into a corner. I very calmly and quietly said, “I know what you are saying behind my back.” she started to deny it and I interrupted her. “Like I said, I know what you have been saying behind my back and I wanted you to know I know.” and i walked away and left her standing there with her mouth open. I then went into the boss’s office that this woman always went in and closed the door and talked to. (if you follow me) and I stood at the doorway, when the boss asked me what I wanted I turned around and said, “Can you tell me if I have any knives in my back?” and she got all flustered and said “no why?” and I said, “Because I would hope you would talk to me directly if there is a problem and not talk behind my back. I just wanted us to be on the same page.” and I walked out of her office and that was it. I went back to work and never treated anyone any differently. I don’t know if they stopped talking behind my back but I felt better just speaking my mind and letting them know I knew.

    it doesn’t have to be a big show down and doesn’t have to involved the whole office, in fact it is better if it doesn’t because if she tells people you said anything to her you can just deny it. Play the game like they do, if she tells lies about you, or even truths just deny deny deny. That is the thing, we think we are powerless because we are honest and they are evil but we don’t have to be so damned honest all the time and we don’t have to be an open book.
    hope that helps
    hugs

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