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Support Forum

Hi all, things may look a little different here. I have taken the page “Ending the Relationship with A Narcissist” and made it into a support forum. It is where everyone has decided to congregate which is awesome but people that go to different posts don’t know everyone is here and might miss out on the great support system we have going here.

This page has the same link that it always had so you should get the same notification when someone comments but it will appear on the Home page and “Support Forum” and there is another “Leaving the Narcissist” page on the home page also.
I did it this way because people had mentioned they were concerned about changing their link.
I hope this works for everyone, I am just trying to make it easier for people to find the support they need.

I would also like to mention to everyone coming in here for advice or information; there are many articles (over 400) on the subject of narcissism, covering topics such as self doubt, he wants you back, no contact, and much more. To find information on the topic you are interested in just click on “Home” at the top of your screen and either use the Search engine or click on the category or tag of choice on the left side of the screen.

To all new visitors! Welcome!!

You have found a great group of supportive women who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.

Hugs
Carrie

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5,223 responses to “Support Forum

  • lisa51

    It’s hard to trust people (new people we meet) after something like the N happens to you. I study almost every day to stay strong and realize what these people are all about. Most people are good, however once you experience the N, everything changes – there is a loss of innocence about trusting peoples basic goodness initially. My guard is up now for self-protection. Having learned there are people who make up stories online for attention, etc., and having my narc raider antennae up all the time now, I apologize Ellen if I was mistaken. Lying is something that triggers me and makes me instantly suspicious. Lying for me, is the main hallmark of an N. Everything else is built upon their lies.

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    • Ellen

      I understand Lisa. Thank you for your kind words. I totally know what it feels like not to trust now! Stephen has lied to me when I trusted him implicity. Again I am sorry if I have caused doubt with any of you. I’d like to visit with some updates, if you’re all ok with that.

      Like

  • Tifa

    Ellie, bless you for your sound advice and for waking me up to putting a somewhat foolish post in reference to suggesting Ellen quit her job. I actually was looking upon her situation in a very black and white manner to some degree, which is not usually how I would approach something. I guess I perceived the situation from a somewhat personal viewpoint also (not ideal I know) as for me, taking myself physically as far away as possible from my surroundings, i.e. leaving my job that I had when with the N, was the trigger for my own recovery. But it was wrong for me to assume that the same could work for another as it is absolutely also possible that for Ellen to do the same, it could potentially be just as, if not more distressing against what she has been experiencing so far.
    I am a deeply caring individual and I only made my comments because it seemed apparent to me that Ellen was crying for some support. However I hold my hands up to the fact that while I am legitimately trained to practice in mental health, and that my job involves the ability to do my job professionally as a mentor to someone experiencing mental health difficulties, I did slip up on this occasion. I don’t regret trying to help Ellen, but do not wish for my postings to have appeared as if I was trying to act as counsellor/clinical professional either in this situation. Yes I have caseloads of my own, but Ellen, as much as I wish for her to get well, is not someone I would ever and could ever support as best as someone higher up in this field (mental health). I am licensed to give support to those I am appointed by, but no, I did not intend for my support for Ellen to come across as assuming responsibility for her wellbeing also.
    That all being said, I do wish you Ellen the most profound amount of positivity with seeking this support. It may be best that you seek the guidance of those appointed to your wellbeing at this point in time in reference to getting yourself on a happier path once again. I do agree with Ellie that much of the support you seek shall come via the professional team that you are now with. This forum has been an immense amount of support to me, but it was namely for me to recognise the nature of an N and additional support, such as counselling for example, truly needs to come from a professional.
    I have had a busy few days as it is my grandma’s funeral tomorrow, so lots to organise for that. Coupled with my consistent caring for my mum and busy workload I am perhaps wired with tiredness! ;)
    But thank you all for your comments, and my sincerest apologies if my ramblings projected the notion I was trying to act as a counsellor because that was not my intention. I merely wished to aid another going through a difficult time.
    With love and hugs from across the puddle. X x x x x

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  • Virginia

    Why do narcissists destroy good sources of supply? If they remain “nice” and “love bombing” they would get all the supply they want/need? I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 8 years. In the beginning he was nice and when he had anxiety attacks I felt compassion and helpful, even if he flared up. I thought he just had a nervous disorder. But once he started discrediting me, and being abusive, and name calling and raging and demanding, I was miffed. Of course, I tried hard to fix him!! But I never would have withdrawn my affection and eventually had no contact, had he stayed nice. He kept me as supply for 8 years, but it could have been forever.

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Virginia, they only love bomb in order to get the woman and to win her back if she leaves, it is a lot of work he is not willing to do full time. Which proves he knows exactly how to please a woman and what is necessary to have a good relationship; he just doesn’t want to have a healthy relationship, they are boring.
      Narcs love drama and trauma. They don’t want to “live happily ever after”. They don’t want anyone who will put up with their shit, they don’t respect anyone who will cater to them, they see it as weakness. The victim is stuck if they show backbone and leave the relationship ends, if they forgive and give more he loses any respect he had for her and she is not a challenge any more so he finds someone who presents a challenge.
      He will come back once in a while once he has his new source lined up, just to see if he still can or if the new relationship is getting boring he will pit the two women against each other and sit back and watch the cat fight.
      It is especially rewarding if he can get the ex to play the role of other woman, but he will always dump her again and again until she goes no contact and every single time she takes him back he is disgusted that she fell for his lies again. He will swear on a stack of bibles, his mothers grave, cry real tears, beg and plead until she finally weakens and believes him and takes him back and then the abuse is even worse than before just to teach her a lesson for being so gullible.
      Once he gets a woman loving him and willing to do anything for him he has won her, no need to work on her any more and she is not a challenge any more so he needs to suck in another woman. at first it may just be looking at porn or a personal ad or flirting in front of the victim and her jealously and anger will feed his ego for a while but after a while that gets boring so he has to ramp it up and let her find a love letter or actually go on a date. Then he has to win her over again and he gets another shot of ns. Eventually her fits of anger and forgiving him gets so old he hits her and then he has to win her back after that.
      It is like any drug to them. do a drug long enough and you need more and bigger hits. Same with him. to just have one woman loving him is never enough for long.
      He needs to know he can have all women, whenever he wants them, some women even tolerate that, well then she can’t love him very much if she will let him see other women so he dumps her. You can not win with them. It may take 20 years but eventually they will dump you.
      Or, if they are after money they will stay until the money is gone or until they find a more attractive source with more money. But it is unlikely they will leave until they have drained the first source completely because once they are done with a victim they consider them garbage and will do every thing they can to destroy them so there is nothing left for anyone else. After all they now hate the victim for being so F’n stupid. And that is exactly the way they feel about women who forgive and forgive, they are disgusted by them. Because they see love as a weakness, it is what they use against their victims to manipulate them and get what they want. They don’t feel love or guilt nor have a conscience and they see anyone who does as weak and deserving of abuse for being so weak.
      That is why he left you after 8 years, he knew you would stay forever, what kind of challenge is that?

      Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    To everyone here concerning Ellen. I did receive an email from Ellen to prove she is who she says she is and I have apologized for the misunderstanding and told her we all just want her to get help and be healthy and happy. I have assured her we all would love to hear about her progress and what the professional has to say is the best way for her to find healing.
    I truly wish her all the best and a very happy life and hope she does come back for support and to share her journey. I don’t expect her to wait until she is all healed, and hope she comes in for back up support in combination with professional help. I explained I never meant to turn my back on her, only feel helpless to help her and am relieved to hear she has got help.

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  • Melissa Sheppard

    Thank you, lady with a truck!
    My healing really began only a few weeks ago when I found your blog. The very instant I started reading your pain and your truth, I found mine. You have saved me in more ways than I can count.
    “Student says, I am very discouraged. What should I do? Master says,”encourage others”. – and so you did! Thank you from the bottom of my ‘dismissed’ heart!♡

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Melissa, I am so glad you found something useful here. Thanks for letting me know, it means a lot to know I am helping people. Your heart is not dismissed any more, it is with good company with a lot of other hearts that are starting to heal.
      Welcome and big hugs to you

      Like

  • Diana

    I kicked him out…..two months ago….After I caught him drinking ….again…..while I was out…and my daughter was in the house….Seven years of my life….wasted….with an alcoholic narcissist….I am extremely sad and depressed….Can’t seem to shake it…Nobody I know understands…

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Diana, two months is not that long, certainly not long enough to be over it. Have you attended any Alanon meetings or gone to a counselor? Women start over after investing 20-30 years into a relationship. Seven year is a long time but certainly not something you can’t recover from, at least it not 8, or 9 or 10. And it is not wasted, you had a daughter together? if nothing else you learned something or you will with time. More about yourself, what you want and what you won’t tolerate.
      Concentrate on doing things for yourself and self improvement and take your focus off him now, he is not part of your life any more, all you can control is you and your life. You are going to be angry, of course, you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t, and then sad, and then depressed and then doubtful then angry and you are going to ride a roller coaster of emotions for a long time but it does get better, but not in two months.
      I am always amazed when people expect to be healed after a couple of months, it took me almost 3 years!!
      You left, or kicked him out, pat yourself on the back and stay no contact, find a support group and start doing things for you. This too shall pass and there will be a light a the end of the tunnel.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • Karen

    Freedom from my narcissist husband was granted to me in 2009. He has been absent from my children all of these years. Last year he came back around. I agreed to let him see his children because I didn’t want them to hate me for keeping them from him.
    He met a new woman with a lot of money. They showered my children with anything they wanted. Its been tough raising two children alone with no help.
    Now he has turned my children against me. We’ve been going threw a custody battle. The judge gave him temporary custody. Even after he had sexually abused my daughter. She told the judge it didn’t happen.
    I’m so worried for them. He’s dropped them like a hot rock so many times. I can’t believe they’re falling for him again.
    Please help. What can I do?

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  • ellie2013

    Hello Karen.

    I am so so sorry you are going thru this but know this is very typical of N’s when they have children. I know too late. I hope women that are contemplating having kids w/ an N, someone they know is disordered thinking the child will change them will read your post and take it to heart.

    How old are your children? And how long was it since he had seen them? I am not sure where you are located but I know in the US it is very tough to remove children from their mothers custody w/o having some real heavy evidence against her UNLESS the children are of an age that they can choose where they live. Also, the allegation of abuse, was that reported to the police or was it just something your daughter said? If you can provide more details , perhaps we can give you more specific advise.

    Hope you post back but until then know you are in my prayers as are your children.

    Hugs,

    Ellie

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Karen, I am so sorry you are going through this, unfortunately it is very typical of a narcissist and is a prime example of how they will come back sometimes years later just to stir up shit and make your life hell. Just when you get your life back on track and think there is life after an N they come back with their black of evil and try to destroy it all again.
      Ellie is the one with the most experience dealing with the N parent. Luckily I never had to pleasure. (sarcasm)
      The only thing I can suggest at this point is to go exactly by the court custody agreement to the letter. When it is your time to have them, be there, do not engage in any battles with him verbally. If he starts screwing around with drop off or pick up times make note of it. Anything the kids let slip about anything inappropriate, write it all down! and don’t show your hand to him at all.
      As far as he knows you are perfectly happy with the arrangement. It will piss him off to no end if you aren’t crying and begging him. Try to keep it light and airy with the kids too, because they will go right back to him and tell him everything. Remember they are just kids who are easily impressed and they will see his true colours if left to their own devices. If you cut him down they are going to defend him, let him slit his own throat and then be there to pick up the pieces.
      I am sure you are worried about your daughter but she is older now and you have to trust she is able to protect herself and tell someone if she senses anything inappropriate. I would have the school keep you informed about school functions etc, meet the teachers yourself on parent teacher nights etc. Don’t rely on your ex-husband to tell you, because he would love to tell the kids he told you and you just didn’t show up. Plus I would meet with the teachers and tell them what is going on and you want to hear about any behaviour problems, no matter what your ex may say.
      keep collecting evidence (secretly), have as stress free time with your kids as possible and let him stew and screw himself, because he will.
      My son’s father wasn’t an N but he could be a shithead and his new woman had a hate on for me. He never saw my son and was a shitty father. he told my son that he would be a better father if my son lived with him and taught him how to be a dad. What bull shit!!
      t broke my heart and I didn’t sleep all night but I packed up my son’s stuff neatly in labeled boxes and the next morning I drove my son over there. unloaded the boxes by my ex’s door and when my ex came running out wanting to know what the hell I was doing I told him that ” your son will be arriving after school, you got what you wanted. You was not going to hold me hostage by threatening to take my son, i give him to you like you have been wanting.”
      He was sputtering and fuming saying “You can’t do this.”
      i said watch me and drove away.
      He applied for the government child supplement immediately and before the government even had the next cheque mailed my son was back home.
      Once he was at his dad’s, his dad found out it cramped his style and he left the kid home alone all the time. My son called one night really sick with a fever and no one was home. My ex was out and his g/f had plans so they left a sick 9 year old at home alone. I went over with medicine and he was sitting on the front stoop afraid to be alone in the house. i took him inside and gave him meds and cold cloth for his forehead and just sat rubbing his back. When it got close to the time his dad was supposed to be home I left and sat at the corner until I saw his dad’s truck and I left.
      And in all honesty, I was quite enjoying our time together. When it was our weekend we had a great time, I didn’t have to nag at him to do his homework or clean his room, all we had were good fun quality times together. I never asked him what his dad was doing, we just had fun. I was actually sorry when my son wanted to come home cuz I had to go back to being the disciplinarian.
      It sounds like your ex didn’t pay child support, mine paid $100/month so when he had my son and started squawking about me paying child support I said, “sure, lets have the whole thing reviewed and see how far you are behind in what you should have been paying all these years.” He backed right off. I guess so!
      You are in the driver’s seat if you don’t let him get to you.
      Don’t let him get to you, I know you are worried about the kids but like I said they are older now, you have taught them well and loved them well, trust that you did a good job and they are self sufficient and able to protect themselves. You taught them, not him and that will stick with them always.
      The worst thing you can do is react in anyway. Do not give him the pleasure, take this time to pamper yourself a bit and enjoy the quality time with your kids,

      Like

  • ellie2013

    Tifa,

    I am going to address this response to you. I am not ready to respond to Ellen and not sure when or if I will be.

    I think all of us that post here need to think through very clearly what we may be suggesting , advising someone to do. I do not know if you are a licensed provider, I am thinking not and well, to advise someone to quit their job, frankly, is way beyond the responsibility I am willing to accept on someone else’s behalf. That is a decision only that person can make for themselves. With the help of a licensed professional. As Carrie has pointed out there may be many underlying issues involved in this situation, we do not know If James/ Stephen is an N at all. To have someone give up employment based on something we can not be sure of would be irresponsible of us.

    I am so very glad that we are being told that there are professionals now involved and I truly believe they now need to evaluate the situation, let them make the diagnosis and the suggestions. I know through my own experience w/ counselors, I was always encouraged to refrain from “blaming” my issues on someone else and formulate a plan to take action for myself , to get myself and my mind healthy so I could make good well informed decisions based on my needs and my life circumstances.

    We have to trust that the professionals will do their job well and we can support any decisions that are made based on their advisement. I for one am not on their level and am not going to be second guessing them or over riding them before the process has even started. I think we all need to give this time to see where it goes.

    Like

  • Claire

    Ellie,

    We are on the same page here. Suicidal threats cannot be taken lightly. No one is capable of knowing when a person who threatens suicide will act upon it. If Ellen is real, based upon the fact that she keeps talking about suicide, the ONLY responsible thing we can do is redirect her back to her nearest health care professional whenever she comes here looking for advice.

    She is mentally unwell… her suicidal statements and obsession with her boss makes that clear. We can give her advice with the best intentions but because she is in a fragile state and not thinking clearly, any advice we give her could have unintended consequences. For example, let’s say she were to quit her job tomorrow and because she is so obsessed with her boss slips into an even deeper depression because she cannot see him on a daily basis and attempts suicide?

    Carrie was right on target when she talked about the stalking thing. We do not know how deep Ellen’s obsession with her boss goes. We don’t know what may send her over the edge. Only a licensed health care professional who has worked with Ellen over time, should be advising her, knowing what her mental state is and what she can handle at that time. The type of counseling and treatment Ellen needs is not possible in an online forum setting. We all want to help, but we must be responsible in doing so. Advising a mentally unwell person who is suicidal over an internet forum is irresponsible and could make a bad situation even worse. Tricky situation but again if what Ellen is saying is true, then she is in the care of professionals now and I totally agree that we need to step back and allow them to care for her.

    Like

  • Ellen

    I can absolutely promise you I am real. I am not obsessed with Stephen. Stephen led me on with heartfelt promises and never left me alone until the day he found out I had fallen in love. I have explained that I am trying to get the help I need but it’s hard that the blame seems to being placed on me – when he was the one that has left me hanging and treated me badly? I do appreciate your advice, all of you, but Stephen is NOT innocent here. I wouldn’t have given him a second glance before and had a reasonably active and happy life before he came in to it. If I seem obsessed it is because I am so screwed up because I can’t understand the sudden change from Prince Charming to this hateful man he has been now. I didn’t just develop a crush on him that has gotten out of hand. This man was sexually inappropriate with me in a work setting and led me to believe that he wanted to be with me. I promise I have never hurt him, never followed him home or spied on him or tried to do anything resembling stalking behaviour. I do know right from wrong.

    Like

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