Support Forum

 

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To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

6,191 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Vanessa

    I am about a year out of my encounter…I don’t call what I experienced a relationship.. with my x who I believe in my vast research, that is 10 books later and numerous internet searches fits the profile of all NPD traits. I was with him for 3 very tumultuous years. I was living in another state from most of my support systems and had just gotten out of a relationship when I met him. I was vulnerable. He was fantastic, supportive, charismatic… the same mask that most wear. Since leaving and no contact I am becoming increasingly angrier within as I change, not back to myself, but what I consider a savier, more resilient version of who I was before …in my memory anyway. I have mostly conquered all the usual re-building of getting back to my own life, with job, own home, rebuilding relationships that were damaged, My challenge is letting go of something that happened to me that was so wrong and undeserved and masked for so long that before I could catch up it had me tied up on knots. I don’t get who I was in that time, I sure as hell am not her now. In 12 short months I’m mostly on my game. My second job back in my home state put me in a position where my boss was clearly another vindictive narcissist. He threatened to fire me for really no good reason other than a couple of comments I made that obviously challenged him in -front of others. Other managers would have taken my comments in stride. Fast forward 6 months after saving my job as a I really needed work at the time, others started complaining, so I struck and nailed him. Work put him under investigation and weeks later he quit before ‘he’ was sacked. My parents passed away a couple of years ago, I have 4 brothers so it was me who got it all sorted. I dealt with a solicitor who charged 3 times what they said they would and was purposefully difficult and negligent during this time. I spent hours filing a complaint with the Victorian Legal Commission. I got reimbursed and their office spent hours answering for their shoddy work. This is all not long after being out of this encounter. So, I am now a person who will not lie down if I believe I am right, I never give up, never give in, go for what I want and work really hard for it. That’s O.K. that’s I guess some positive that may have come from this. My question is, how do I get through the anger that he will never pay for what he did to me. I wasn’t in a state at the time to care for myself. I was just existing. I wasn’t me. How do I get past letting this happen, the fact that he will never answer for what he did and finding inner peace again. He totaled my life and tried to kill me in the end. I got away only because the police knocked on my door repeatedly and he knew he would be found out. He was in the process of suffocating me to death. I was in the process of begging for my life. I’m moving on in every other way, any suggestions to how I move on with respect to how I re-frame this would be greatly appreciated. I’ve tried, but I seem to be stuck.Just letting you know that forgiveness is not an option for me.

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    1. kim

      hello vannessa it is normal to feel angry they took over our minds and controlled us without us realising i had 30yrs of being taken over i lost myself completely they are so cunning and manipulative that we end up thinking living like that is normal its only when mine left me there were many times he threatened to leave me knowing i was dependent and ill they feel like they have to have control over you if other things go wrong like work or anything in their life we got the blame we wernt pleasing them enough this is how they think when mine abandoned and became extremely abusive verbally to me its only then you start realising the true extent of what happened when you were with them its been a year ar so that he left it is a rollercoaster i could be extremely angry you do think well why should they get away with ruining our lives and i do sometimes but do you know what i think he has a messed up head himself they have the problem not us they will always have the problem so in the end we will become stronger and they will carry on bullying and intimadating and abusing people they wont be liked and who wants to live a life like that we cant change what they did but we can change how we think about the past i am now slowly trying to concentrate on the future rather than agonising over the past ive been there too often they are simply not nice people and not worth taking over the rest of our precious lives they will pay all their lives by doing the same to others mine has insulted women he has dated it has gone wrong for him chucked out several times of rooms he rented i must admit part of me is glad but part of me also thinks i would never go back he is still hanging about pressuring me now to be friends but im caring less about his wants and working more on mine i do wish you well they are all normal feelings xxx

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    2. Jen

      Vanessa,
      I love your honesty and understand your anger. I was in my N relationship for 5 years and have been out for 5 months. I am still very angry as well. I have researched enough to know what I need to know to move past this, but at times, I have a difficult time remembering it. So I allow myself to feel the anger for a while and then I go back to an article that describes the personal hell they deal with on a daily basis. I remind myself that he wakes up hating himself, afraid to be alone without someone to bully, for fear he will have to face his inner demons. I remember he needs to have constant drama or adulation to avoid the thing he fears and hates the most: turning inward. In rare moments, I can even feel somewhat sorry for him that he will never know what it feels like to love or be loved. He will never find happiness or peace or contentment in the blue sky, the sound of the ocean, or a beautiful flower. Your ex may not pay specifically for what he did to you, but he pays everyday and will especially pay when he is a miserable, lonely, old man forced to face his inner demons with no way out.

      My ex has been stalking and even came into my home, although he seems to have disappeared for the moment. A couple months ago, during one of the phases of extreme anger toward him, I passed him on the road. I spun my vehicle around and was chasing, ready for a nasty confrontation. I was furious and have every right to feel that way. BUT…when I realized what I was doing, I stopped and pulled over. I came to the realization that when I left that relationship, I did so because I loved myself, believed in myself, and felt I deserved better. By holding onto my anger, feeding my anger, and acting on it, I am taking away from me. Do I still wish someone would kick his ass, hurt him the way he hurt me? Yes, I do. I have not forgiven nor do I believe I ever will, but I will move on and become the person I know I am meant to be. The person he tried to destroy, but failed to do so. Living well, in peace and happiness, that is our best revenge against them.

      Hugs,
      Jen

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Jen beautiful comment!! and you are so right. When I was barrelling down on james as he stood there smirking after I caught him at that woman;s house and at the last minute I came to my senses and didn’t run him over or ram his car. Not because he didn’t deserve it but because I didn’t deserve any more grief because of him. Why retaliate and give him exactly what he wants, an excuse to call you a psycho? We all know the minute we try to get revenge or even just give him a piece of our mind he is going to be pointing at us and yelling “See?! I told you she was a psycho bitch!” and it isn’t even the true us we are driven to near insanity by them. The best revenge is to live a good happy life, they hate that more than anything.
        Same as my kid would love to pound the crap out of him, and I have begged him not to. Not because James doesn’t deserve it, but because he isn’t worth the effort and he would undoubtedly press charges against my son and my son and I have wasted enough time over james. I don’t want him taking up any more head space, or mental energy than he already has.
        He is toxic and any kind of association tarnishes my world. They are like toxic gooo that you can’t wash off. Like have you ever stepped on a slug with your bare feet? they are almost impossible to wash off. It is just gross. That is like a narcissist slug goo on the bottom of your foot.

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    3. QueenTee

      I completely understand how you feel. I THINK I may have finally gotten rid of my narcissist x & will go into detail once I get off work.

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