About these ads

Support Forum

Hi all, things may look a little different here. I have taken the page “Ending the Relationship with A Narcissist” and made it into a support forum. It is where everyone has decided to congregate which is awesome but people that go to different posts don’t know everyone is here and might miss out on the great support system we have going here.

This page has the same link that it always had so you should get the same notification when someone comments but it will appear on the Home page and “Support Forum” and there is another “Leaving the Narcissist” page on the home page also.
I did it this way because people had mentioned they were concerned about changing their link.
I hope this works for everyone, I am just trying to make it easier for people to find the support they need.

I would also like to mention to everyone coming in here for advice or information; there are many articles (over 400) on the subject of narcissism, covering topics such as self doubt, he wants you back, no contact, and much more. To find information on the topic you are interested in just click on “Home” at the top of your screen and either use the Search engine or click on the category or tag of choice on the left side of the screen.

To all new visitors! Welcome!!

You have found a great group of supportive women who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.

Hugs
Carrie

About these ads

5,105 responses to “Support Forum

  • Kathy

    Claire,

    I am Soooo sorry this happened to you.. Yes, there are lunatics out there and I am sure you didn’t encourage it. Some people are just nuts! Maybe this sounds bad, but yes, sometimes I think it pays to be a straight out bitch to men you don’t know or want to get to know… Like don’t give them a chance for wiggle room… because when you are being half way nice they will take it!

    At work I know you are in a precarious situation because you are trying to not be mean to them, but the arrogance of him! I would probably straight up report this man. His actions at work were horrible! And he has no right to do that to ANYONE, much less a fellow employee. You might be afraid to confront him, I don’t know.. but he acted horrible to you..

    Like

    • Claire

      Thanks so much Kathy… especially for saying I did not encourage him. You are right, he should be reported. I chose not to do that is because if I reported him it would cause a big thing at work that I just don’t want to deal with. They would have to start an investigation, which is supposed to stay private but those things never do. I really don’t have much faith in HR at my job… the old boys club and being labeled a tattle tale, etc. I rarely work in that unit, so I just will be on guard from now on… now that I know he’s crazy I’ll never be alone with him again. Its sad when you can’t even feel safe with fellow male employees Thanks Kathy!

      Like

      • Carrie Reimer

        Tifa and Claire, I am a little late with this comment but I am seeing a scary attitude showing up. I am not criticizing, I understand where you are both coming from and both situations were very scary and it is natural to self reflect and healthy! btw. That is the sign of a caring and responsible person to question their part in anything that happens to them but it is what leads us into dangerous situations and relationships with narcissists.
        It should not matter if you flirted, or how you acted; if you said no that is all that is required and if a guy does not take “no” and leave you alone, he is not normal and a scary guy and you should never feel it is your fault in any way and not give him a “chance” or “feel sorry” for him.
        For a man to do what those two men did was uncaring, in fact it was down right disrespectful and they both were so far out of line they both deserve to have a cop- talk to them about how close they are to being charged with harassment or worse.
        By doubting yourself and whether you brought it on yourself is the dangerous thinking that makes us give the wrong person a second chance.
        In both cases it is these type of guys that grab a woman on her way to her car after work or grab you as you fumble to open your door with an armload of groceries. A guy you might roll your eyes and think to yourself “Oh no not him again.” and not really sound any alarms and next thing you know you are in a position you can’t gert out of.
        I don’t want to scare you, but in a way I do because I hope women will stop automatically second guessing themselves and see these situation for what they are. It is better to be safe than sorry and if you allow anyone to cross your boundaries even a little bit you are giving up so much more than you realize at the time.

        Like

        • Tifa

          Carrie, Thank you again. :)
          I completely understand that my attitude towards others verges upon an almost abnormal way of how I relate to a situation/people. Even friends and family think of me as an exception to the norm in terms of how I can always try and see the good in any person; while at times dismissing a situation for what it truly is. I think my genuine feeling to always see the best in anyone is certainly going to get me into further trouble if I don’t take anymore precaution. That being said, what happened to me last Saturday night was absolutely frightening but maybe I place a more positive attitude to even crazy people like that to protect myself from getting too much more emotionally fractured? It’s almost as if I don’t want to experience anymore pain, and when I met my ex N I had gone through such a rough time with my ex of 12 years. I was truly devastated and heartbroken as it changed everything I’d known for that period of time. While I accept change and the value of it, I guess when it comes unexpectedly in a negative form I have difficulty in absorbing that. And perhaps rather than allowing enough time to heal from my long term relationship, I covered up the wounds from that subconsciously by getting into another relationship so soon after. I felt at the time I was doing well before I met my N, and I still believe that to be true. But I didn’t address some of the issues that occurred during my previous relationship. Even when I learned that my partner of 12 years had been seeing this woman behind my back, I still offered to drive him to friends etc. Crazy I know! But I guess I just accepted that as part of my being whereas really I should have asked myself, “why am I willing to continue to support/care for those who have done me so much harm?” What worries me now is that I’ll continue to be this way, or become fearful of allowing someone into my life again romantically. The latter being that I am genuinely so confused with who I am. I think foolishly I have figured that by being kind to someone that that’s enough. And when the s**t hits the fan, rather than confronting any issues I just continue to try and patch up any indifferences by carrying on as normal.
          I know right now I feel lost, which I had expected to some degree. I can’t understand why I had a period of time feeling so very much better, to now feeling quite low. I don’t know if it is something like PTSD? Whatever the case I think I need to seek some counselling/therapy. Guess I try so very much to tackle issues on my own. My family and friends are absolutely wonderful however. But I don’t always say entirely how I’m feeling. I haven’t for example explained the absolute fear I seem to experience with going to my job. When I tried to explain to my brother it was because I was scared of bumping into my ex N when out with the children, he just said that it’s unlikely to happen and not to associate my job with him. But I do unfortunately. It’s too close to where I used to live with him, and even driving down the motorway makes me feel ill. I wish with all my heart that I didn’t feel this way though. And despite my depressive ramblings I do have moments of genuine happiness and recognise my blessings also. Head just feels somewhat fluffy right now. X x x x .

          Like

          • Claire

            Awww Tifa,

            Big Hugs… I’ve been there. I think we all experience lows now and then… even if we are doing so well at other times. I think it’s just a part of life. I feel things very deeply and sometimes I just get sad… I don’t know why. Most times I’m actually pretty happy… but sometimes a bit of depression creeps in. Luckily for me it’s always a temporary thing. If you feel you need to see someone do not hesitate to do so… you know yourself better than anyone and the very best thing you can do is get help if you need to.

            I can relate to a lot of what you say. I too rushed into my relationship with exN right after breaking up with someone else… terrible idea. I should have just stayed single and dealt with my pain. That is why I am still single a year after the break-up with exN… BTW… I can’t believe I’ve been coming here for about that same amount of time! To say it’s been helpful to be able to come here is an understatement! It’s been a life saver… especially back when we had just broken up and I was severely depressed…. WOW… how time flies. Thanks again Carrie for all that you do!

            Anyway… on being afraid of getting hurt by another man the best thing is to not rush into anything. Take your time, don’t immediately become emotionally invested in someone. My approach to dating is I’m just having fun, sharing a meal, spending time with another human being… but I’m not looking for my knight in shining armour or prince charming! This has been unlike how I normally date… but I must say it feels so good to be in control of my emotions. No one can hurt me too deeply because I don’t give them my heart. Maybe after about two years of dating, after I’ve gotten to know a person… maybe then I would consider getting serious if I am ready at that time… but not before. That’s just how I choose to date now, and for me it’s removed a lot of the fear of being hurt.
            Also, on knowing yourself… I think that is a life long journey.

            My 35th birthday is in a couple weeks and I really have been coming to terms with who I am for a long time. I’m single, no kids… I thought for a long time that I had to get a husband in order to be a healthy woman and not be looked at strangely by others but you know what… that is complete bullshit. Even if some do look at me strangely that’s there problem not mine. I know who I am. I can be a healthy, whole, great and happy person and be single. One of my parents recently became ill and is staying for a short time at a physical rehabilitation center and every day I go care for them and get them dressed in the morning, usually I stay all day and get them ready for bed, I’m there all the time making sure they are receiving the best care possible. I am taking time off from work in order to be there for them. The other day a worker at the center complimented me on what a dedicated child I am. She said that most people just drop their parents off and never come see them… meanwhile I’m there making the bed, I take the clothes home every night and wash them… not to toot my own horn because for me it’s just natural… I would never even consider doing anything else. Meanwhile my sister, who in all fairness is married with a two year old, drops by occasionally for 30 minutes with her son who runs all over the place. She hasn’t even brought flowers… I keep fresh flowers in my parent’s room. My sister tells me she doesn’t feel she needs to do anything because she knows I have everything covered… and you know what… she’s right! So I’m pretty happy with who I am… Just love yourself and be you. (((Hugs)))

            Like

            • Tifa

              Claire, many thanks for your reply and warm words. They most definitely, like all the support I receive from here, helped to soothe my thoughts and have felt a bit better of late. I think similarly to yourself darker and low thoughts choose to rear their ugly little heads when you least expect it, and being ill in bed for a few days was probably the instigator for much of that as am so much better when keeping busy.
              I am so very sorry to learn that one of your parents is unwell. I truly wish for them to get better soon. And bless you for doing all that you can by them. I too go to my mother’s aid a lot as she suffers from high anxiety and depression. This hasn’t been helped in recent times due to SSRI and tranquilliser discontinuation. The symptoms people can experience when trying to come off such medication can be horrific. :( When I stayed with mum for a month in June she had moments of feeling suicidal and that in itself was hard to cope with for the most part on your own, coupled with my joyous situation with my N at the time. And it was after returning from a month of helping mum and seeing no one and going nowhere that I was then with my N for two weeks before he kicked me out. As stated previously there were some attempts to contact me weeks after and now nothing for a fortnight. It could be that now the dust has settled somewhat that maybe now I can properly start piecing my life back together? Having someone come to my house last weekend was an additional stressor to say the least, and am actually awaiting a call from the police today, for while I blocked both numbers he (stalker) tried to contact me on, I noted he had tried calling at 1am this Thursday gone. His number just showed in my log history with a symbol to say number is blocked. So phone didn’t ring, but did give the option of leaving a voicemail as tested with my friend’s number. So I may have to contact my phone company to officially block a number or even change my number altogether.
              When ready, I am certainly going to keep an open mind to dating, in that shall take my time and like you, just see having dinner or whatever for what it is in that moment and not become too emotionally drawn in right away. Although my ex N persisted with me for a while as did my ex before, before I reciprocated their advances etc. But I realise it is more than being patient with anything. I am thankfully aware due to this site first and foremost to be able to address potential warning flags should they appear. I don’t wish however to become to mechanical about it all though. But we shall see.
              I actually recall reading a post from someone on here a month or so back (apologies can’t remember their name!) who had commented on having fallen for a friend who was just out of a narcissitic relationship. I have recently found out that one of my dearest friends has more than friendly feelings for me, and he knows I know this. But I think because he is such a good friend, and more importantly WAY too soon for me to even consider seeing someone else, I am not going anywhere with that. I do feel awful though as is it wrong of me to carry on as normal, as friends knowing this information? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but for once in my life I do have to protect my own also. I’m just getting to know myself again, so it would be completely foolish to allow someone in my life more intimately. I wonder if he thinks there is a chance of a future in time when I’m fully healed (or at least much better), but I can’t think of such things as each day is precious to me and were I to start wondering about years to come I think I’d be worse in that it would feel like additional and unnecessary pressure upon myself. Like the notion of being married and having children. While beautiful and wonderful no doubt, I don’t stress just because I’m now 30 that I haven’t got that, nor if I ever will. Haha I’d be happy with my jeep and a menagerie of animals! ;)
              Anyway my focus is to continue to spend time with friends and family, try new things, focus on an actual career and so use my degree/qualifications if possible. I already have some plans coming up which I’m looking forward to, so onwards and upwards! :)
              But thank you Claire once again. Much love and hugs from across the puddle. X x x x

              Like

              • Claire

                Tifa,

                I am not surprised that you took care of your mom… it seems that we women on this site are givers and very caring people. I think that’s why we are so attractive to Ns, they know we are loving, giving people and they in turn want to take, take, take. I hope your mother is doing much better now.

                I agree, I don’t to be become mechanical and uncaring about dating. I meant more holding some back for myself and not diving head first into a relationship before really getting to know the person. You mentioned quickly becoming involved with your exN directly after ending a 12 year relationship and I have been guilty of doing the same thing. These Ns are incredibly charming and its very easy to fall for them. But by taking ones time you can pay more attention to the red flags and back off if necessary, without feeling that you are too emotionally involved to retreat. It doesn’t mean I can’t care about someone, I’m just going to take my time, keep my eyes open and my feet planted firmly on the ground :-) I recently started dating someone and have made a conscious effort to date differently. He seems like a really great guy but I’m pacing myself. Last night he said he deleted his dating profile and wants only me… those words flattered me but terrified me at the same time because that’s what exN said. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. The new guys seems great, but so did exN. I believe time is the only real test and that mask always seems to slip, even if only for a second when dealing with a N or psycho. They can’t keep the charade up 24/7 and if one is open to seeing those signs instead of ignoring them or sweeping them under the rug…

                I think its great that you know yourself enough that you know you are not ready to date. If your friend truly cares for you he will continue to be a friend with absolutely no expectations. And if the timing ever becomes right… who knows . You are doing the best thing for yourself that you possibly can right now… taking care of you. Have a great weekend Tifa!

                Like

        • Claire

          Thank you Carrie and I agree, its never the woman’s fault if a guy decides to sexually harass her… even if she did flirt. I guess the entire incident just came as a shock and I was thinking out loud about what could make someone behave in such a bizarre and unprofessional manner… but that’s all his stuff and not mine. He obviously has some serious issues that have nothing to do with me. Thanks again :-)

          Like

  • Tifa

    Thank you Claire and Carrie for your comments. :)

    Claire… In a word from your recent experience.. “WOW”. How awful that you had some fruit loop at work of all places approach you in such a way!? From what my friend reminded me of the night I met this guy who then later turned up at my house weeks later, she said he was calling me “darling” and “baby” which yes I do remember now! He was very persistent and kept saying how beautiful I was and some other stuff of which I kept politely turning down. But because I am not ready to date and more importantly wouldn’t give my number out to any guy that pays me a compliment, I definitely did not give him my number. My friend told me that I did go to the bar when we were sat at the table with just my purse (he and his friend just came and sat near us without asking lol), but she said how he got my number is a mystery. But it shows on my phone he had dialled his number from my phone that night. So the creep must have very discreetly grabbed it from my handbag while I was at the bar and my friends were talking?? Who knows. But as for your recent experience Claire I would be mindful to maybe mention your experience to a trusted colleague?? I can actually see why you gave your number just for him to shut up. But I have learned that some men (and women no doubt too) will take the smallest gesture or comment to think they are in and have a chance! This guy I met at the bar obviously thought because I was polite and for some reason he was attracted to me, that the two instantly meant we should be together. Haha! It actually reminded me of how persistent my ex N was when acting to secure me. But sadly I guess because he didn’t come across as creepy I was nonethewiser to his epic crazy ways either! Please do let me know how it goes with this guy at work, in that I hope he doesn’t continue to harass you.
    As for flirting, I don’t see any harm in that. Although I myself have never been called a flirt I do engage in conversations with men especially when I’ve been out in the past. But am so guarded after my N that I’m less inclined to say too much. I do have a lot of male friends too and guess because I grew up with two brothers my interests tend to veer more towards what men typically enjoy haha! But yes, some men feel that if you so much as say “hi” you are offering yourself up for more! Whereas I am apparently quite amusing to my friends as I never know if someone is flirting with me. I won’t let my recent incident stop me from going out. But in all honesty I don’t really enjoy it like I used to. Some men think it is perfectly okay to grab you without even say hi. It’s disturbing to say the least. Western culture seems to have become more and more sexualised and because so many women especially now seem to be openly promiscuous (younger women moreso) I think the assumption is made that we must all feel the same way! My friend drives taxis and he often tells me that women will report having had sex with 3/4 guys that night like it is a normal occurrence on a Friday/Saturday night. I am no prude myself. I love sex to put it bluntly! But I would never go out and screw someone on first meeting but that’s just me.
    Carrie.. Yes the guy is a “whack job” for sure! And yes, despite him telling me he was off to London the next day, I actually think he felt that by saying that I would then welcome him in for a screw or whatever before he went back, when in actual fact it was probably a load of bull. I definitely know I wasn’t acting in a flirty manner nor was I wearing anything revealing. A bit like Claire’s experience, in that, the guy saw someone he was attracted to and had to have her so approach to achieve that becomes forceful and outside the norm of what normal people do when interested. I would never open the door to anyone late at night or during the day unless I was expecting a friend for example. And if they said it was a friend’s name I’d get them to call me on their number. It was frightening as I still struggle with the concept of bumping into my ex. I doubt it is likely but not an impossible scenario. And he’s the sort of person who would have found my recent experience funny because he’s that sort of psycho himself. But the police recorded it all regarding the man Saturday night and took all the information necessary so hopefully the nut job won’t return. I do have a friend with a very large dog actually called Dave. :) He’s a Rhodesian Ridgeback and so handsome. Sadly he is also afraid of his own shadow despite his mammoth size, but I am thankful that I have plenty of people around me who I know would come to my aid if need be. My car is parked in an open area with street lights so exposed for the right reasons. Have had no further trouble since Saturday night thankfully. Been in bed with the flu so haven’t been able to go out anyway. But won’t have that experience stop me from moving forward with my life. It did upset me that more shit was thrown my way. Not to feel sorry for myself, but even my friend said he couldn’t believe my bad luck. Anyway, I am writing too much again! Thanks for your kind words Claire and Carrie. Much love from across the puddle. X x x x :)

    Like

    • Claire

      Tifa,

      Sorry you’re sick in bed… I hope you feel better soon. In terms of going out you should definitely not let this stop you. You will have 99 great experiences for every one fluke like this. I don’t even put my drink down when I go.out, my Nan taught me that… a crazy may slip a date rape drug in there… I have to visually see the bartender pour my drink and set it in front of me. I have pocket knife and I keep it handy… if its not available I’ll put a key between my.fingers and be ready to jab if I’m attacked. Its sad but there are so many women who have murdered while jogging, entering their home at night, etc. We have to think proactively.

      I agree… the crazy from work definitely reminded me of XN … won’t take no for an answer, super persistent… but as you said for some reason XN’s behavior did not come across as creepy back then. These experiences certainly do nothing for rebuilding our trust in the male species… that’s for sure! I too am very guarded now. I think there are a lot more narcissists, psychos and mentally unstable men than what the statistics out there would have us believe.

      Like

      • Tifa

        Bless you Claire, yes I am currently sat in the middle of a nest full of tissues. Weirdly I think I got ill because I’ve reached a point in my life when I could simply sit back and catch my breath. It’s amazing what the body will put up with, but I find sometimes when you have time out, that’s when the body goes on a break too and all the illness you should have had during times of stress catches up maybe?
        Yes I always guard my drink when out too! Or at least leave it with trusted friends/family if I have to use the bathroom. That being said have been known to take my drink with me when nature calls too haha! ;)
        I know some wonderful men who have truly been a genuine loving support to me, and maybe in time that may show in a relationship. But I have realised since leaving my ex N that subconsciously I’ve used relationships to cover my own issues. I have been deeply insecure in the past and lacking in confidence. Putting pictures up on my FB of my recent birthday was a huge step for me for example. But I guess when I’m in a relationship and someone is making me feel wonderful and special, it probably explains why I have clung to it for dear life. That reads a bit mental, haha! But it’s like I needed that valuation from a partner? Strange as have had a pretty good upbringing. There has been a bit of pressure from my mum especially with certain things, but she means well and would never intentionally cause me any sadness. But learning who I am and what I want is a huge matter of importance to me. Not obsessing about it, but I have sacrificed so much for relationships especially to the point whereby I feel in limbo with what I want in life. Never really took the time for myself. Haha I don’t do well putting myself first!
        But yes I shall certainly carry something to protect myself when out. I think it is illegal here to carry a knife, but have plenty of keys if not! And that made read harsh, but I’d sooner protect myself or another than see some crazy thinking it is okay and appropriate to lay abuse on another. X x x

        Like

  • Phoebe

    Hi everyone
    Its almost 2 years since I left my husband and for the most part I feel like I have recovered really well. There is not a single day I regret leaving and everything he has said and done since has proved I made the best decision of my life. I feel like if we didn’t have to co parent I would be completely free and that chapter of my life would be permanently closed. I have learnt to bite my tongue and avoid as much confrontation as possible but sometimes he manages to back me into a corner until I have no other option but to come out fighting. My child gets to spend summer with him and is not having much fun. For someone who has been crying the blues about not seeing our child enough, mainly because he’s refused to show up, he certainly isn’t making the most of his time. His usual excuse? work work work. All this work to do yet he is always short of money and already in arrears with child support. So far I haven’t let him provoke me so now he had resorted to messing with our child. He knows that he has some serious emotional issues (that I cannot go into, but most likely caused by growing up with a N dad) which he has chosen to neglect while he is there. I limit the amount of time my child is on the internet because of these issues, as soon as he got there my ex bought him an i phone so now he has absolutely nothing else do to but be on the internet all the time. Since my child has been there the very few outings they have had they have arrived so late they are only there a little while before the place closes down and they have to leave again. My child is a teen yet expected to go to bed a 9 every night. When I spoke to him he was so bored and frustrated, hes not even halfway through his stay. I feel very concerned that this could cause him to end up hurting himself and it seems to me that there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it until something does happen. I could confront my ex about this but know there is no point and its probably exactly what he wants me to do. That is what still blows my mind is that this man I fell in love with and married is such an evil insidious piece of crap that there is no level he will sink to, to try to control me. It is so sickening and scary. Its like since we divorced the mask is off and I am completely getting to know the real him. I am just praying that my child will stay strong through this. How do other people here cope with these kinds of situations.

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Phoebe, have you talked to your child about how they feel about how things are going with their dad? Do you really feel their safety is at risk? Or are you projecting how you would feel onto your child? I am not criticizing you, it is natural thing for a mother to do but a lot of times kids are not as affected as we think they are. Yes your child is bored and it sucks but from the sounds of it he is in no danger and if anything he is learning who his real dad is and that is a good thing in a way. N’s often times play the role of the wonderful dad and try to turn the children against the mother or vise versa.
      If your child is really distraught I would book an appointment with a child psychologist and see what they say, if your child does not want to go to his father’s and the psychologist feels it is detrimental to the child’s well being you can go to court and have the visitation arrangements changed. But you will need some proof. I would have my child keep a journal while at his father’s so it is documented how much time was spent together etc.

      Some of the issues are not just cause for him not to go and just different parenting styles I am afraid and a judge is not going to alter the arrangements because of a bedtime. Seeing as I don’t know what your child’s issues are I can’t comment on that end of things but as you stated to try to discuss it with the N is pointless and you are best to go through the legal channels. I am not sure at what age a child can choose to not go to the parents if they don’t want to maybe check into that.
      I know from my own son and issues he had with his father (who was not an N but an alcoholic who didn’t have time for him) that I always reinforced that I loved him and he could come to me about anything and I would do my best to help him. I remained a constant in his life, never turned my back on him but left the relationship between his dad and him up to him to handle (once he reached his teens, when he was a youngster I played a more active role). If his dad disappointed him I listened and and supported him but I did not get into a big “dad bashing” session either. I gave him the option of he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to, he was hurt often by his dad but now he is 30 and he and his father have worked out a relationship that works for both of them. My son never had the dad he wished he would have had and there were many times my heart broke for him but it was not my doing and I was limited in how much I could do. I just reinforced he was a good kid and loved very much. He has thanked me in recent years for being the “one who always believed in him and loved him unconditionally even when he didn’t believe or like himself.”
      Also keep in mind that kids will play on a parents emotions and if you are like me you feel awful when your child is unhappy; I would not be surprised if your son is perhaps exaggerating just a titch to get his mom’s sympathy.
      Good luck
      let us know how it goes
      Carrie

      Like

  • gem

    hi what a hell week. I have been sobbing for 2 days now. I think it just all hits you that the person you were marrried to for 10 years is just a cardboard cut out, he is not the man I thought he was he was not the father he thought he was. I fell off the ban wagon once and spoke to him which of course sent me into an absolute spin. All he did was yell and scream and tell me ITS ALL YOUR FAULT WHY I HAVE LEFT MY SON ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING SUCH A BITCH FOR 7 years. Back to no contact, I know its the only way. He wont give me forwarding address to even send legal papers. He is sick and twisted narc. I feel like I am on another planet now. Everything feels distorted and weird like I have been in a living nghtmare. I put so much f ing effort in this marriage for what?? Anyway NO CONTACT is the only way thats why everyone says no contact. I hope my shear dispair and crying for 2 days solid is part of the healing because at this point I feel like I am permanently damaged from him. Can anyone give any advice on the no contact, please. As well as abandonment has left me with copious about of bills. When I briefly spoke he said all he cares about now if MONEY, I said what about your son, he said well he is on the other side of the world what can I do. How can a human being be so callous so cruel, so cold, so fucked up, its beyond me.
    I now in the long run when I heal my life will flourish. Please any support is great from people who understand

    Liked by 1 person

    • ellie2013

      Gem,

      What can anyone say that has not been said before? YOU know what he is and you know what to do. Don’t call him. At all. Easier said that done. But remember all the horrible things he has done. The disappearing. The locking you out of the house. THE STD!!!! WHY would you want to talk to someone who gave you a disease? From screwing around no less. Think about all the good reasons why it is a very good thing he is gone from your life. How much better life will be w/o him. Sounds like you are addicted to him to me. For whatever reason. Addictions can be broken. People crave crack even when they know it is not good for them will kill them. Same with N’s. The only way to beat an addiction is cold turkey ( NC in this case ). What did you think he would do when you called? Say he loves you, he misses you? It will be different this time? Whether you want to believe it or not you are very lucky he is not telling you those things, he at least letting you know he is really a piece of shit straight out. Believe what he says , listen how he does not care. N’s care about money alot, for themselves. Not for you. Trust me if you ever get ahead a little he will be calling you then wanting whatever little you have put aside. Kids don’t matter to them. Nothing matters but what they want , when they want it. You and your son is NOT what he wants now. Out if sight out of mind. Sounds cruel I know but that is how it is. Jump back on the NC wagon and do what ever you have to do to stay that way. BLOCK his number, erase it. Text him your attorneys name and number and just get rid of his number. Same with the e-mail. Do yourself this one favor. It will be so much easier. Promise.

      Like

  • gem

    I know the only way is no contact, but unless I get a forwarding phone and address from him my lawyer said there is nothing I can do about child support or settlement. But you are write it never happens like that anyway. In that one conversation he must have changed personality 5 times, even asking me to come there with my child. I know why so he can keep my child and get rid of me. He did say how much he loved me blah blah, but i know this not true no one does the things he has done to people they love. He even left a note to his son saying how much he loves him and he will aways be there. It makes me sick to the stomach. I feel just deeply sad now for everything. Just sad and lonely because he controlled me so much for so long they leave you empty. Its hard to sit with the sadness, but I suppose that is the healing.

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Gem, you are right, the sadness is part of the healing process, there is no healing without pain and sadness, anger and then acceptance.
      As for the phone number etc, I would suggest giving the lawyer his email address and letting him take it from there. You really should not be the “go between”. I know you want to be, you want an excuse to talk to him but as you know it is never in your best interest to talk to him directly.
      I have said it so many times to so many people in here. There is no other way around it. As long as you are talking to him he will try everything within his power to gain control of your emotions and you again. Not because he loves you but because he liked the control and he gets a big boost to his ego to see you hurting, begging him to come back. Now he will be SO sorry and realize the err of his ways!! the poor guy didn’t think you would leave, how can he be a good father if he isn’t living with his son. He only left because you were so jealous and suspicious, he only cheated because you already expected he would so why not if he was going to get blamed anyway? Right? You are so selfish only thinking about yourself, what about him? having to leave the house and his son who he loves more than anything in the world. You seeing a lawyer just shows what a money grubber you are, nothing was ever good enough for you, he loved you with everything he had and what did you do? You took him for granted and never appreciated all he did. The fact that you don’t see that just shows how self centered you are. He knew it would never work but he thought he could make it work, help you see how sick you really are but look where it got him?
      He still loves you though and will get help because he knows he was wrong and on it goes yada yada yada yada.
      Until he hits the one spot that gets to you or you just give up trying to be strong and take him back just to stop the harassment or you feel guilty. and then he pats himself on the back and thinks,”That wasn’t so tough, I wonder what I can get away with next time, God I am so Good, so powerful!!”
      Let the judge and the lawyers work it out. Tell your lawyer that your ex is abusive and you can’t talk to him. A good lawyer will not get his client to do the leg work. It is to your ex’s best interest to participate because if he doesn’t the judge with assume he doesn’t give a shit and he won’t get anything.
      And make sure that your ex is not allowed to take your child out of the country because that will be the next thing he tries. He will want to take the child for a visit and he won’t return, he will go to his family and have them raise your child just to make you miserable.
      I would be going for supervised visitation if I were you. Him kicking you and the child out of the house, disappearing for 6 months, bring home a STD all prove how irresponsible he is, hardly someone who should be in the care of a young child.
      Hugs
      Carrie.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Carrie Reimer

      Gem, he is playing with your emotions again. It is so typical, I wish I would have known someone who could have pointed it out to me when I was going through it because it is so confusing.
      When James and I split after he ambushed my son and me the police escorted him to come get his stuff which I had put outside under cover. By the time the police got to my door they were telling me to not start anything or they would haul me into jail.
      James was cocky and laughing and joking with the cops, making it sound like he was giving me everything and the cops were saying to him to get anything he wanted out of the trailer. I spoke up to say anything in the trailer belonged to me and the cop right away jumped in and said, “I told you to not start anything, one more word and I’ll haul you in.” He was going to let James take anything he wanted and I had to stand there and let him. James laughed and said he didn’t care, let her keep it.
      He was cruel beyond belief.
      After they left the cop came back and said he had taken James’s clicker to the security gate and he would not be back. I went out side to get a moving box and when I stood up I was like a deer in the headlights, he was parked right across the street and flicked his high beam on me. I ran in the house shaking like a leaf.
      I could not believe how he hated me, I was gutted by everything.
      Then a few days later I was moving and went to get stuff out of the shed and laying on the floor was a letter. It was from James, telling me how much he loved me, he would always love me and how sorry he was. After days of thinking he hated me so much it was such a relief to read that he loved me. He said a few things about what I had done to make things the way they were and I willingly took the blame, forgetting all his abuse because it felt so good to be loved by him again.
      My resolve was waivering. When I ran into him a few days later and he asked if we could talk I told myself I was only going to see what he had to say, I was going to be strong. I was lying to myself and it only took a few tears or his part to break me.
      They all do it. It is all part of the game and control, the manipulations.
      The thing is, now it is even more imperative that you DO NOT listen to him. In the beginning the manipulation was in order to get what he wanted off of you but the relationship is over now and any love he shows for you or the child is laying the foundation for him to destroy you.
      When I took James back the last time I thought I knew what i was getting into. I thought that as soon as I saw his old ways starting to reappear I would just walk away but i was st\ill operating under the assumption he loved me. Little did i know he was now on a mission to destroy me. He spent the next 2 years systematically destroying my business and me as a person, the cruelty and abuse was WAY worse than ever before and I was totally unprepared for what was to come. If you were to take your ex back now or if you give him any sympathy or leeway he will use it to destroy you and believe me, you may feel sad and lonely and broken now; you have seen nothing yet. He knows that taking your child away would be the final blow and have no doubt he will use it to destroy you and you will never be able to reason with him. You can bet he has told everyone what a horrible mother you are and how you are trying to keep him from his son. You have said his family already thinks you are such a horrible person.
      It does not make sense that after all he put you through that he would be angry with YOU or want to make you pay but that is the thing, they don’t make sense and the soon we stop trying to make sense of what they do the better off we are.

      Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    The comments have gotten kinda out of order so I am just going to comment down here and get things lined up again hopefully. The thing with the comments is they “nest” when you reply so if someone comments on an old comment their comment gets nested with older comments. If that makes any sense at all!
    First of all Claire! has it been a year already?! you have come so far! I am so proud of you, you are talked so level headed and realistic and Healthy! You are so on the mark with so much of what you are saying. There is no rush! enjoy the relationship, take it slow and let his true colours show through. Either you will start to see red flags or the relationship will grow naturally and you will have taken enough time that by the time you are in love with him and prepared to really invest in the relationship you will know whether it is safe to do so or not.
    When a person is confident about themselves and comfortable with their own company and not looking for someone to complete them, having babies with them, walk them down the aisle; that is when they are going to meet the right guy. And if they don';t they aren’t shattered because they didn’t give away too much of themselves too soon. It is awesome that you are there for your parent, life is too short and you will never regret time you spent making their life better. As you know if you were with the N he would be making your life hell if you were showing concern for your parents because he would be jealous of the attention.
    You want someone who will be there for you some times too. Even the most giving people need rejuvenation, without it we all burn out eventually. With an N we never get any care and concern back, at least if we are alone we can self nurture and don’t have to put up with their temper tantrums.

    It so great that you recognize that the N was sweet and said all the right things also in the beginning.

    I am just so proud of the new improved you. Not that you needed improving, you just needed to recognize your own worth and you have!
    Big Hugs’

    Like

    • Claire

      Carrie,

      Yes it has been one year since that dreaded nightmare ended for me, one year of no contact. These ladies really need to listen to you, you know of what you speak. The no contact is for a reason… healing cannot occur when you are still communicating with the N. I know for a fact that I would not be this far along if I hadn’t cut off communication completely. I have never regretted dumping him… had I continued dealing with him and wasted more of my time and life I surely would have regretted that.

      And being single and alone is better than being with an N. You are absolutely right. I spend many hours at the center now… I’m actually there right now… and I know exN would have added 1000 tons of stress to me if we were together. Everything had to be about him and his needs 24/7. He would have been accusing me of cheating or not caring about him anymore. I would be on the phone arguing with him right now, instead of enjoying this peaceful time with my loved one.

      Life is just way too short. Me experience with my parent and looking around at the other patients here reaffirms that for me. We only have a finite life on this earth and to spend that time being completely miserable with an N is just the biggest waste of this precious life.

      Thank you Carrie for all that you do. You are an amazing person.

      Like

      • Carrie Reimer

        Claire, oh you are totally welcome I am just glad I was here to help. It is so gratifying to see women like you get back up on their feet and start living again with a new appreciation for life and their worth.
        You are so right, life is far to short to waste it trying to figure out a narcissist.
        Big Hugs
        Carrie

        Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Tifa, Gem and NM, you are all at different stages of healing, NM is the freshest member here and I think still suffering from magical thinking and denial, Gem I think you have realized the truth but it is still so new you are struggling which is totally normal and Tifa you are having a little set back. This is a post I did almost 2 years ago on healing

    http://ladywithatruck.com/2012/12/02/healing-process-part-1/

    It might help you each in your own way.
    Hang in there, it does get easier but no contact is so very important.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Tifa, you were saying you had been feeling quite good and now are down again. it probably has a lot to do with being sick (hope you are feeling better) and with the episode with the creep. Your emotions are at a heightened state, you are still very raw and the episode with the creep made you feel vulnerable, throwing you back in your healing process. It is called a healing crisis and very common. I went through several of them.
    Here is a link to a post I did on it.

    http://ladywithatruck.com/2012/09/26/healing-crisis/

    Something will trigger a healing crisis, it could be a dream, a movie, new knowledge about something your ex did or like with the creep. You will feel even more healed after the crisis and they become less intense and less frequent over time.
    You were saying that you don’t want to become mechanical about dating or turned off from dating at all and that you are a caring person and that is just the way you are.
    You will not be turned off of men forever, you care too much and need to love someone too much to allow yourself to wallow in hatred of all men. After all we all know all men are not N’s and we all love men. If I was your age I would be much more interested in dating than I am now.
    You don’t have to be mechanical or cynical either, people like us love to love, without someone to love we feel lost, like something is missing. There are other ways to get the glow from loving someone, doing charity work, doing random acts of kindness etc. i know that does not take the place of romantic love but it is very rewarding and great for the soul and for your self esteem and self worth. When you do nice things for others, strangers, and you see their appreciation it can’t help but give you the warm fuzzies.
    It is great to give a person the benefit of doubt or to give 2nd chances I am not saying anyone has to be a hardass, just smart. Being smart does not have to interfere with being loving. They are totally separate things, and loving does not have to make a person stupid. Love does not have to accept the unacceptable, love is not blind, and love is mutual, it is not one person sacrificing for the other all the time and never getting anything in return. I know, I didn’t love James for what I could get, i am not saying that, I am saying that even the most giving, unselfish person in the world will eventually deplete their resources if they never take time to rejuvenate , if they are always giving with nothing ever coming back to them, eventually they will get sick, or depressed or something adverse.
    Being choosy about who you give 2nd chances to, or who you give the benefit of doubt to shows you value yourself NOT that you are unfeeling or insensitive. The N’s of the world love people like us who give endless 2nd chances and always see the good in everyone.
    I resented losing my innocents so much in the beginning. I felt James had taken all the romance and optimism out of my life. Now I had to view the world through eyes that knows these people exist. once you have danced with the devil a person is never the same again. True. But after 3 years away from him I can honestly say that if a man walked into my life and we clicked and started dating I would fall in love just like I always have, ONLY I would do it slower, I would not compromise my principles and when he lied I would take note of it and see if there is a pattern of lying, I am going to be a lot more aware, but that does not make me mechanical or cynical, it makes me smart and you know what? by being smart I will avoid the N’s of the world because I have taken my rose coloured glasses off and I quite like the world without them and i like me a whole lot more without them.

    I loved loving James but it was stupid and I lost a lot of years with my son and other people because James made it so difficult. I never want to love like that again, If that is what rose coloured glasses cause then I don’t want them.

    You are projecting and worrying about stuff that might never come to be. You don’t have to change who you are or how you think and feel, you just have to be smart and take the knowledge you gained from that relationship and be the best you that you can be.

    There are nasty people in the world, accepting that and adjusting your actions accordingly only keeps you safe and happy.

    Big hugs
    Carrie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tifa

      Bless you Carrie for your kindness once again.
      Yes, I appear to have reached a bump in the road, and agree fully that it resonates to a healing crisis. Guess I feel frustrated as I was truly doing so much better and felt genuinely good in myself and of my future. While those thoughts have not gone, it would seem they have temporarily been covered over by what I can only assume as being recent events to have triggered emotions yet to be resolved.

      I have very vivid dreams lately, and last night was the first I had had in a long while that involved my ex N. I dreamt I was rushing around at my job with the school, it was the last day of term before summer and so lots to do and no time to stop and catch my breath. I also learned that my ex N in the dream, was due to go off on deployment and I was desperately trying to get my work done so as to find him before he leaves. When I get to him, he says words to some effect of “what are you doing here”, and glares at me (he did that a lot; emotionless eyes). I remember feeling this immense hurt, like I used to with him, and I woke up shortly after.
      I know some people think dreams are a load of rubbish, but I view them as your mind sifting through emotions/thoughts not always so present on the surface of our thinking. While I have no contact with my N and he hasn’t attempted it in some form for 2/3 weeks now, I guess it’s finally hit me for good this time, what I was to him and that maybe I have been so determined to keep busy in my life, that all the pain and upset from before would slowly dissipate. But unfortunately my lack of self esteem and confidence seems to be at the forefront right now. It’s silly really, as if know I wasn’t worth his abuse, NO ONE deserves that. Yet unfortunately as mentioned by many before, we still fall in love with these evil characters; the promise of what they first presented to us.
      I guess when he was initially trying contact, even at points in the most harshest of forms (the usual mind games, bullying), it still fed the strange addiction I had with him. I think now that I have since got my flat, had my 30th birthday etc etc, that I’ve yet to find other things to keep myself busy. But maybe this dream brought to mind that being busy has only worked as a mask for myself to not address the emotions that have been harboured for a few months now. I cried and cried when I was with him, yet since we broke up I haven’t really felt that release from crying. It’s weird because I start to cry then stop myself. Am I protecting myself by doing so?
      And yes, I’d be a liar if I said I felt nothing for him anymore. While I recognise the absolute shit he was, and would not take him back. I have found now that things have become quieter, and I’m not so distracted, that I have maybe just now reached that period of time in its truest sense whereby what I’ve known this past year has finally come to an end.
      Guess that’s the trigger, it absorbed so much of my life before, that now it is no longer a feature and nothing else at present is proving to be so much of a distraction, that I am suddenly placed almost into the unknown.

      I recognise that I have placed too much on being in a relationship before; I’d been with someone for 12 years, then soon enough straight into another relationship. But I know enough that once you’ve sailed through a storm you soon reach calmer waters. Therefore having patience towards myself and healing is also paramount. I need to learn to be kinder to myself also.

      Apologies if ramblings are a bit back and forth, but such is my thinking at present that it’s hard to place entirely how/what I feel into words.

      Thank you all once again though. Coming here, as mentioned before, truly does help and I appreciate the support and love. :) x x x

      Like

  • ellie2013

    Gem,

    Another thought to add to what Carrie said. I don’t know what country you are in but there are no international laws governing child support. That is why men flee the country. They know that the country they owe it in can not touch them. I would not count on child support from him at all. The chances of you ever collecting anything from him on a regular basis is slim to none IF he does not want to cooperate. And most N’s do not want to. They believe they are above the law. To sit and wait on him to “help” you financially provide for your child is not a smart thing. You may just have to raise your child alone and provide alone. Many women have done it. And, no, it is not easy for any means but it is very rewarding. You learn to depend on yourself, which I think alot of victims of N’s need to learn to do. You don’t have to consult anyone on your decisions ( this is very freeing ) but then you have to learn you can’t blame anyone else for your failures, mistakes. I think, for those of us that have been involved with N’s we have learned to sometimes “blame” them for how we are, how we think. This is only true to a point. We can choose to be strong and independent again, We may think we “need” them financially and otherwise but really , we don’t. You may want to go to your local social services and seek assistance for a short period of time to get yourself on your feet. They can offer assistance monetarily, provide assistance with child care issues while you are seeking employment and after and job training if you are in need of that. They will also legally attempt to collect from the N child support. They may not be successful but he will “owe” them and it will be very difficult for him to come back to your country w/o them going after him for what he owes. A plus for you in my opinion.

    Like

  • crashdavis777

    I am almost two years out, I don’t yearn for him anymore, but I still think about him every day…when does it just END! I was so severly devastated, my life so severly changed because of meeting this nonhuman person that I can’t move on! It’s like the devastation was so bad that I can’t get past it I live with it everyday! Are there any people out there that heal an go on to normal relationships! I’ve searched this subject and I can’t find much what good is finding out the truth and then npt being able to move on nd live. I guess all rhe sucess stories move on and nwver look at the blogs again.

    Like

    • Claire

      crashdavis,

      Have you tried getting some professional help? Perhaps with someone who is skilled in PTSD and healing from traumatic relationships? After two years, it would seem.that you should be able to enjoy life and time with family and friends. Maybe getting some professional help would be beneficial. We have all been severely emotionally traumatized but there comes a point where you have to make a conscious effort to not what the did destroy you and move on. Maybe that means seeing a psychologist, joining a religious group, practicing meditation, doing new activities… whatever works for you… everyone is different. At some point you have learn to forgive, which does not mean taking him back or saying what he did was ok… Forgiveness is about letting go and healing yourself … when you hold on to the anger, pain and resentment of the past you cannot move forward… its impossible. Also forgive yourself … you probably feel guilty that you allowed an evil N to come into your life and do what he did… I know I was upset with myself for my role… all of that has to be let go. The past cannot be changed… but by not moving on and remaining crippled by your past you are letting your exN win. He is somewhere right now feeling absolutely no guilt and remorse, probably with some woman, and your are just stuck. Don’t let him win by stealing your joy and happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Claire

        crashdavis,

        I forgot to mention that I too still think of my exN on a daily basis, I think its just habit at this point. Perhaps when you have been through such a trauma that is natural? Just like someone who has been in a war will have flashbacks. But its usually just a brief thought and when he pops into my head I make a conscious effort to do something else and stay busy. I cannot and willnot spend a lot of time sitting and thinking about him, he is not worth my thoughts.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ellie2013

        Claire,

        I am always so proud of your responses. So straight forward and supportive and so right on! It is simply unreasonable to think that the N will not occasionally cross our minds. HE was unfortunately part of our lives for however long he was there and played a HUGE part of what we are feeling now. It’s when thoughts become obsessive that they become problematic, that we get stuck. I have always used the ” let go and let GOD” mantra. IF we hold on to anything to strongly we are preventing GOD from acting on that very thing that we need to be freed of. So when obsessiveness begins I begon to repeat over and over, ” let go and let God”. I may not have any control my thoughts but he does!!!!!

        Like

        • Claire

          Ellie!!!

          Thank you so much! “Let go and let GOD”. I absolutely love that! I will have to use that mantra. I hope all is well with you? (((Hugs)))

          Like

      • Carrie Reimer

        excellent response Claire!

        Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Crashdavis, Claire’s comment was very good, as was Ellie’s, I just have a few things to add. Almost 2 years is not that long when recovering from an N, depending on the length of the relationship and the severity of the abuse. I, personally did not feel healed until I reached the 2 and 1/2 year mark. I was basically healed at 2 years, life was worth living again, I was able to laugh and I had stopped missing him, crying and obsessing about him but it was not until 2 and 1/2 years out that I really felt free of him plaguing my mind. Mind you I write and read about him or people like him daily so that is bound to make me think about him.

      That said, this is the most evil person you have ever or will ever meet in your life, I don’t think it is realistic to think you will ever be able to exorcise him completely from your mind. I doubt that a survivor of a Tsunami ever forgets the horror of what they went through, but they go on to live life and go on to be happy. The N was an emotional tsunami for you.

      The sheer fact that you are concerned that he still comes to mind will make it a problem and make you think about him more. For example
      – He crosses your mind,
      – you think “damn why do I still think about him, why am i not over him?
      – So now you are concerned about thinking about him which makes you think about him even more.
      – Now you are really concerned and getting stressed because you are thinking about him which……..you guessed it…..makes you think about him MORE!

      Our brain only knows what we put in there, it only knows the past or the present, so when we think we think about what we know. If you get upset about thinking about your ex you are actually embedding thoughts of your ex deeper into your psyche. the best way to stop the cycle is to force yourself to think of something else whenever he comes to mind and to create new happy memories to take the his place in your brain.

      You are still viewing yourself as a victim, some times just shifting how we view something can change how we feel about a situation. Try to think of yourself as a survivor, you WERE a victim, you no longer are a victim, you are a strong SURVIVOR. He is not hurting you any more, and he will never hurt you again. You won! you were strong enough to recover from the destruction he tried to inflict on you.

      sometimes we cling to our victimhood as a way of protecting ourselves from ever being hurt again, your brain is saying, “look how hurt you were, you don’t want to get hurt again so never forget the pain you went through.” You can stop that cycle by changing the dialogue in your head to something like this.

      I survived and I am so much strong than I ever knew. I am a really good person and i learned from the experience and am a better stronger person for it. I now have the knowledge to protect myself from it ever happening again.

      I found that I was able to really let it go when I was able to find some good things that came from it. I know! Good??? are you crazy??

      But in my case I did a really honest self assessment about 2 years post James because I still had doubts. I dissected every thing about myself and even though I know I have my flaws I also know I did not deserve to be treated that way and I have the power and the right to not take it from anyone. I made a choice to never allow myself to be a victim again and to express myself honestly and clearly with everyone in my life from that day forward. That if I approached all my relationships with honesty and took responsibility for my feelings, wants and needs I would always be ok. I can be a victim for only so long before I become a participant in my victimhood, that thought gave me so much strength. It took the power away from James and freed me of him.

      Let us know how you are doing, we care
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  • ellie2013

    I agree with you completely Claire. But this is where the blurred line begins. There is the school of thought that says by saying that the victim allows the N to abuse, enables, we are ‘blaming’ the victim. There is a point in my mind anyways that once you realize , somewhat what you are dealing with, you have a responsibility to yourself and your children to somehow begin to extricate yourself from the situation. Certainly counselors can help bring you to that point too. But you must want it. Must want to get better. make life better, somehow. If not for yourself but for your children. I felt very sad reading the post you responded to. Felt sad that someone would not think twice about allowing an azzhole back not only into her life but into her childrens life. But I do accept for some, having the azzhole , they think, is so much better than being alone. at least he is in their bed, at the moment. regardless of where or whom he has been with. and in that moment it was very clear how much or an addiction it is. It puts a crack or heroine habit in personifed form. an addict knows that the drug will eventually kill them and they do not care, they live for the feeling of the moment, even if it doesn’t last, they have it for that one fleeting moment. And they live for that moment. Will give up anything. Their pride, their health, their children. As much as we, as women do not like to think it, being alone is not the worst thing in the world. It can be the best for us, truly. To learn to rely on us, know we are capable and worthy. And to know we are strong :) No matter what. Isn’t that what we should be showing our children? So that the cycle of abuse does not continue?

    Big hugs to all the ladies ( and men ) here. Praying for us all.

    Ellie

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Loujean, it put a huge smile on my face to read your “colorful language” To know that starting this blog has helped you and so many others change their circumstances and better their lives makes what I went through all worthwhile. Every time I see a woman get strong and stand up for herself I can’t help but feel a sense of pride. Not for anything I have done but to just see a woman be strong and stop taking the abuse makes me proud of all strong women.
    It is such an empowering feeling to stand up for yourself and say “I am not taking shit from anyone” to be in control of your life and emotions. It is mind boggling that anyone male or female could think they have a right to do whatever they want and expect to get away with it, and for decades they have……….but things are changing. Because of all the other people out there with blogs and a voice speaking out, because of people like you who stand up for themselves and lay charges and speak the truth. What is that saying
    “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
    ― Margaret Mead
    Hugs
    Carrie

    Like

  • ellie2013

    Morning Claire and Gem

    I am like you Claire, I am so confused at this moment. Last we had heard, Gem had left the N due to contracting an STD she got from the N from him convorting around with Hookers during his 6 months absence.

    I am sitting here wondering what could possibly be so wonderful about a man ( using the term loosely) that sticks his dick inside of everything ( including the “plumber” , her words, not mine) that you not only go back but get back into bed with him? Hence, getting kicked and verbally abused for having a dream? I must be missing something. I am hoping she can explain so we can try and understand.

    Worrying about calling him? WHY? Why would anyone call someone like that? He sounds worse than the devil himself.

    Yes, the poor children. What they are learning, not the least of how to grovel and not have any respect for your self or your health. That abuse is ok if it is given by your husband and finally even when he leaves you ( a blessing! ) you sit there and wait for him and try not to call him for support. The person that infected you and endangers your childrens well being. Their mothers health?

    yes, perhaps re reading all the prior responses might help. As well as intense therapy. I can only offer prayers. I am fresh out of advise.

    Like

  • Claire

    Good Morning Ellie,

    I agree 100% with everything you said. I believe this has nothing to do with the N or the qualities he has that clearly we’re missing. We know he is scum- bottom line. Let’s call a spade a spade. This comes back to Gem, as it comes back to all of us when we are with an N. Gem is a N’s goldmine. She has no self respect, no self love and no boundaries. Her husband can do anything, physically abuse her, infect her with sexually transmitted diseases, leave her time and time again and she will just continue to take him back. There is no way I could even imagine it. I got a small taste during my brief relationship with my exN and I had enough. I remember saying to myself, no sir, I will not allow you to treat me this way. Loving him was coming at a cost of loving myself and I could not and would not accept that. Anytime a man makes us chose between loving them and loving ourselves, its time to get out. Like I said, I just feel very sorry for Gem and the children at this point. I just couldn’t live like that, no way. Yes, intense therapy, starting to try and learn how to love herself, respect herself… I don’t know SMH. But when a parasite attaches itself to a host and the host just sits there and lets it drain them to death… who is the real problem, the parasite or the host?

    I just took my nephew to see the Disney movie Bears this past weekend. It was a documentary of sorts where this camera crew taped this bear and her two cubs in the wilderness for one year. Well the papa bear was nowhere to be found, so I guess they impregnate the females and get lost (surprise, surprise). But the mama bear has to protect her cubs from other bears and animals that want to eat them, search for food and eat as much salmon as she can so that she can feed her cubs milk throughout the winter hibernation, she has to do it all. It was just fascinating to me how the mama bear has to be so strong and do everything on her own. Just goes to show how tough females are in nature and in life. I don’t really know why I brought that up…

    Anyway, how are you Ellie?

    Like

  • ellie2013

    :) Claire xx hugs xx

    I am being a Mama bear as usual, and a Gamma Bear LOL It’s all I know how to do. Instincts. Being on our own is best when we have not made good choices in the past. I am strong, capable and when push comes to shove, I like myself. Some things I would change, am working on them but most, well, I have worked long and hard to get where I am. If I can do it, anyone can.

    How’s you?

    Like

  • ellie2013

    I am going throw this in, for what it is worth. Since N’s have run rampant for generations in my family of origin, I worry about the grand baby. Have always , her mama and I tried to set boundaries for her to follow. Taking a stand, not being a “follower” that type of thing. Well, there was an incident in school on Friday. A little boy that has the assigned lunch seat next to her and picks on her hit the bottom of her drink bottle while she had it tilted up to her mouth at lunch thus spilling the drink all over her. She stood up, I guess she was shocked her juice was all over her not in her. Her first words to him” I am telling!” His response ” You are going to tell on me? Get me in trouble? ” Her response ” YES! You had no right to touch me or my drink” Him ” But I will get in trouble” Her: “I do not care” And tell she did! Marched herself to whatever teacher would listen :) We are proud of her. It’s little things like this, they have to start young. You have to support them. Give them boundaries. Talk. Communicate. Be watchful. Somehow have to break the pattern.

    Like

  • Claire

    Ellie,

    Awww (((HUGS)))… I am with you. I think that was my point. If a papa bear comes along, he better be a really good guy who can help and bring something to the table! Otherwise, why bother??? The mama bear can do it all fabulously and on her own, feed her babies, provide for them, nurture them, shelter them. Although I don’t have any cubs, that’s what I do for myself. I just cannot see being bothered with someone who brings nothing but instability, selfishness and pain and is an overall burden.

    I feel like I’ve come a long way. Even though my breakup wasn’t that long ago, I feel like a completely different person. I’m an N’s nightmare. They wouldn’t want to be bothered with me. I am too mouthy and quick to tell a guy to buzz off, I don’t need you.

    You’re right… being able to look in the mirror and truly like the person looking back at you is so important. I’m working on myself too. When you work on you, you can never go wrong. I have this yoga teacher who is awesome, I mean in great shape, killer physic, been doing yoga for like 20 years… and she regularly takes other people’s classes just to learn and improve herself… No matter how good someone is they can always get better. I’m just working, taking care of my dog and planning a vacation with my Mama bear… so life is good. I am blessed. :-)

    Like

  • claire

    That’s great Elllie! I agree, it starts early… especially with a girl who will grow up to be a woman. Its so crucial to teach them early to love and respect themselves and have boundaries.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    I agree totally Ellie, it is the little things like spilled juice that later turn into a woman not calling the cops because it will get the guy in trouble. Allowing someone to pay the consequences of their actions and not feeling responsible to save them from that and too many times especially little girls are taught to “play nice”.
    I think setting a good example is important also. I didn’t have a girl but even with my boy I taught him how to treat a woman with respect, for that matter everyone with respect and manners but I also taught him that his feelings count. I always listened to what he had to say and then sometimes I would change my mind if I had said no, or I would compromise and I was always able to back my decision with logic. People said I was too soft on Kris but I never wanted to be the kind of parent that said, “Do it because I said so.” or for him to feel his feelings didn’t matter.
    The end result is a man who is confident, self-sufficient, hard working, respectful of women but not expecting a woman to complete him either or that he can;t get by without a woman. I think it is just as important that our boys are self aware. it is possible to be self aware, strong and firm in your boundaries and still be respectful of other’s beliefs and values. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Claire, so nice to hear such a positive attitude!! You are so right!! We have to take care of number 1 and work on ourselves. As much as the N was wrong to abuse the victim, at some point the victim has to take control of their own life and take responsibility for their future happiness and safety. The best way to do that is to know and love yourself. That never ends, you can always be a better person and learn more about yourself. The more in tune a person gets with themselves the less they need a man in their life and the higher their standard become in what they will accept from a man. The more in tune you are with yourself the easier it is to stand firm with your boundaries etc.
    The more you like yourself and believe in yourself it is amazing how easy it is to say, “No, I don’t want this and walk away.” No self doubt,
    it is such a liberating feeling.
    Good on you!! I am loving it!!

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Gem, I agree with everything everyone else has said here. It is hard to know what to say because most of us would have drawn the line quite a while ago. At this point I am not very sympathetic because I just can not understand how a woman can put her children through this time after time.
    You said in your last messages that you and the children had become happy with him gone and yet you let him back in and then you ran for safety with the children and he locked you out of the house so you couldn’t even get clothes for yourselves. At that time I had said the children had to come first and this had to end.
    At this point you are abusing your children as much as he is. A parent has to put the children first above their own personal desires no matter how self destructive they are.
    If you were single I would say, whatever, do what you want because you always do any way. You come in and cry about all the horrible things he does to you, there is nothing left for him to do except bring another woman home and have sex with her right in front of you. Yet the minute he walks through the door, without an apology or even a feeble attempt at lying!! you take him back. You don’t even ask for an apology. (I guess you know it is pointless) you just spread your legs and let him back into your bed.
    He isn’t disrespecting you, YOU are disrespecting yourself.
    Where this is all going to end up is beyond anything I can imagine because it appears you have no boundaries whatsoever.
    I feel the most sorry for your children, what they must be going through is heart breaking.
    I wish we could help you but we have all tried time and time again and you don’t listen. I know you will say it is out of your control, you love him so much you can’t say no.
    I am sorry that does not hold water after a certain point. You can not possibly love someone who treats you this way. You are addicted, you have such low self esteem you believe you deserve it or some other self defeating self depreciating thoughts you have playing in your head,
    My suggestion would be to find someone to take care of your children who will give them a stable home and get yourself into extensive counseling and when you are strong again be the mother your children deserve.I am sorry to be this brutal but really, sympathy doesn’t work. Someone needs to give you a shake and make you open your eyes.
    I will be praying for your and the children.

    Like

  • Claire

    Thanks Carrie! Yes I finally feel like I am equipped to go out into the world without worrying about a man hurting me or becoming someone’s victim. It’s such a refreshing and freeing feeling. I know I have control over what happens to me. I know I do not need a man. My standards are very high, maybe too high LOL. I sometimes think I’ll be single forever because the men I meet simply don’t meet my standards. But I’m not going to lower my standards just to be with a man. If he can’t meet my standards I simply say no thanks and move on. I think that’s what is wrong with a lot of us women, we think having a sub-standard man is better than having no man at all. Having a man in my life would be a cherry on top, but I’m already the cake. I’m enough for me.

    I owe a lot of this to you. I want to thank you for this site. It has helped me more than I can say. That is why I keep coming here, because I always learn more and find more benefits in reading other’s stories, your posts, women who have made it out of the darkness like you give me great inspiration. Thank you, Carrie.

    Liked by 2 people

  • ellie2013

    Gem,

    You are right,we don’t know you. We only know what you have told us, what you have written. And you have written plenty. And each of us has responded to what you have written based on the facts as you have presented them. It’s all we can do.

    Each and every time you have posted, it appears, by what you have written, you have gone lower and lower into the N’s abyss as you called this place. You wrote ( from the bed you were sharing w/ him, after he had been gone 6 months with no communication or care about his children ) that he would not talk to you, wouldn’t explain where or why he had been gone. But there in bed with him you were. You told us he had locked you out of the house with your children so you could not get your possessions, you told us you now have an std ( you can only get those by having sex, btw , which means you again were having sex with him, bed or floor does not matter which) and then you post HE is leaving you again and ask for support to not call him. WTF? What are we supposed to think other than what you have told us? If there is more to the story ( and I am sadly sure there is) please share.

    What you have told us is extremely damaging to children to witness. They hear and see and get unspoken messages from the abuse they are witnessing. And it is abuse to subject them to what you have described.

    I am wondering how much the amazing therapist knows of what you have told us? Did she think it was a great idea to jump in bed w/ him after he had been gone screwing hookers, plumbers ( and probably bakers and candlestick makers too ). Did she tell you we were incorrect to change the locks on your home to protect your children? Did she tell you to have the bed made us fresh and pretty and the pillows fluffed just in case he showed up so that you could jump in immediately and not miss the chance before he might have had a change of mind? After he had locked you out of the home and you had to run to the neighbors for safety , did she tell you to go back, no matter what, safety be damned, get back into that house with him, subject your poor children to more dysfunctional BS, they had not had enough already?

    To suggest extreme extensive therapy was the ONLY advise and support ANYONE could suggest based on the facts as you presented them.

    Yes, only 3 weeks….no big deal right? So much permanent damage can be done to children in that amount of time. Perhaps we seem cruel and heartless and not compassionate however, we are seeing very clearly what you are describing. Perhaps it is just not the kind of support you are wanting to hear. AND, just maybe YOU are not the one that is seeing the situation clearly. Please go back a read all that you have posted in the past. It’s all there, in black and white.

    God bless, still praying for your poor kids.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Gem. maybe I did misunderstand you. I am not going to argue with you about how you feel. i can only go on what you post here and what has been the outcome of any advice we have given you. Numerous times you have come in crying about the horrible treatment you have received from your husband and we have supported you and given you honest heartfelt advice and never hear from you again until the next time he does something horrible the last two times it was he came back from his 6 month vacation and you let him in. I know I know he “just showed up” your talking to the queen of de nile so you can’t fool me. You let him in, you didn’t want to rock the boat so you fell into bed with him and then it was done. You then try to set some rules, find out what the hell he has been doing and he refuses to tell you. What can you do, he’s in the house now.
    You knew he was screwing around on you while he was gone but you had unprotected sex with him anyway and got an STD.

    My ex went away for 6 months to Sudan as a missionary, I had no reason to suspect he was with a woman, and there was no way he could call me from there but when I discovered he had been with another woman I kicked his ass out and never had sex with him again. Your ex didn’t even try to lie. why should he? you just let him in and fell into bed with him. Why would you do that if you are not in love with him? for your children?
    THEN he kicked YOU and the kids out and you are crying because you can’t get back in to get clothes and we tell you to call the cops and not go back in that house and the next thing we hear is he has decided he is moving out. I don’t think for one minute you told him to get out,
    I will NOT back down on the fact that children witnessing this kind of behavior from their parents is terribly damaging to them. Look at how you react, you have told us you couldn’t function when he was gone, you were calling and not getting an answer etc. You can not tell me the children do not feel the tension, see you crying, aren’t afraid when daddy kicks them out of the house and you have to go to the neighbors. That is horrific for a child.

    I am sorry, you did not hear what you wanted to hear but i will kiss butt to make people feel better about their choices. And that is what this is. He is no longer an abuser and you are the victim. You are choosing to be the victim and have chosen to be the victim for some time now. IF you truly have had enough and are determined to make this break then I am behind you 100% and we will all be there when you need someone to talk to. We are all just sick of listening, giving advice and then hearing how you totally ignored us and went back.

    I realize it is hard, I know that as much as anybody but there comes a time you have to face reality and admit you are perpetuating the problem and contributing to it and it is undoubtedly damaging your children.

    Ok you made a mistake letting him come back after 6 months, God only knows what you were thinking but we all make mistakes. But I swear if the next time we hear from you it is to say he has given you another std or has disappeared for 2 weeks you will get another earful. If you come in and are talking about how he is being a jerk and not paying child support and you have been no contact for a few weeks then you are going to have everyone’s support.

    Really, think about it. how else are we supposed to react? Yes you ARE talking to people who have been there and we feel this way, so it has to be pretty bad for us to come down this hard on you. And not one of us, all of us. Because you needed a wake up call.

    I send hugs and prayers your way.
    Carrie

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Good to see you Bluecitygirl! great advice.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Claire sorry for taking so long to reply, I got a little busy with Jill, Gem and Louise and then had a full email box for a few days but I appreciate your thanks. I am just happy that i was able to help in anyway. It is a great site, because of the people who come here, I am very proud of everyone who comes in here. They are all very caring kind souls and I get something out of here everyday. Someone inspires me or I learn something new myself. Just knowing I am helping people has been so healing for me.
    It is so refreshing to hear a woman say she is the cake! lol You are right, women have been “settling” and I for one would rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle for less than what I deserve.
    I think that is the pay off for all the hurt the N caused. People say, “oh you’ll get over it and find a man some day, you’ll be ok.” and I always think, I know I am ok! that is why I don’t need a man, because I KNOW I am ok. It is not a bad thing to be happy and content without a man, to not need a man to feel complete. Personally I would love a committed relationship where we keep our whole places because I am just not into catering to man 24/7. I like my freedom and a man is going to have to have a lot to offer me before I am going to give up the life I have on my own.
    Thank you Claire

    Like

  • ellie2013

    Good Morning Gem and Happy Mothers Day!

    I am sorry if we misunderstood your situation. I believe I speak for us all when , going by what you had previously told us, YOU wanted to be rid of the N. But your statement:

    ohhh if i did not have children ti this n I would have told him to stay the fuck in his country but my son loves his dad.

    says it all. From that statement, I guess it is safe to say you knew he was coming back and you welcomed him back, for your sons sake, of course.

    We were going by the premise that he just showed up. There is a difference if you made a conscious choice to allow him back into your house and into your bed, I guess. Not much, but a difference.

    Usually, you are right, the woman has to plan to leave safely in an abusive situation. You told us HE keeps leaving YOU, which is very different. Which gives YOU an opportunity that most abused women do not have, you CAN call the police when he is gone, YOU can change the locks and you CAN tell him to NOT come back, that you will see him in court to arrange visitation so he CAN see his son who loves him. It seems to me, and I really don’t mean to be unsupportive but YOU are wanting to be a part of his relationship with his son, like a package deal. HE can see his son but he has to HAVE you too. Most times that doesn’t work, as you have found out.

    On the other side, what have YOU done to be rid of the abuse? What have you done to protect you, your son and to extricate yourself from his control as you put it. Since you work in an abused womans shelter or counselling center you KNOW that women HAVE to help themselves, that the victim card can only be played for so long. That at some point, allowing him back , going back, is putting yourself and your children in grave danger.

    I am not going to defend this blog or Carrie. There is nothing to defend. This place is a God send to women in the grips of an N. The facts are laid out, the symptoms the signs. The support is here for those that want it. The support to leave , not to stay involved with them. It is not a place to complain and keep doing the same thing over and over again. This is a forum of some of the most compassionate women I know, but they will tell you things ” straight”. They will tell you things that perhaps you can’t see. Won’t see.

    I wish you well. I wish you safety. And most of all I wish you PEACE.

    Like

  • Carrie Reimer

    Gem, I have never wanted my blog to be a place where women come to get support to stay in the relationship; there are blogs out there where it seems that is their purpose, the same women come in year after year bitching about the same things over and over again. I was there myself, where the bitching about them and being a victim becomes a way of life. It is very real result of domestic abuse, the victim “becomes” a victim and without the asshole in their life they have no identity. Yes, I have said many times that I stayed 9 years too long in a 10 year relationship but I like to think part of the reason for that is because my son was not living with me. I can’t imagine staying in an abusive relationship because of my child. Because i feel it is my duty as a mother to protect my child and I would not have come down on you as hard if it was only you in the relationship. You are an adult and if you choose to stay with an abusive man that is your business, but when it involves children then I tend to take a stronger stance because it is so damaging to the children. No children want their parents to divorce, even in abuse situations they want the abuse to stop but they don’t want the family split up. They are too young to know the damage that is being done to them mentally. It is especially damaging if the child really loves both parents. I can remember laying in bed as a child listening to my mom and dad fighting and wishing to God they would just split up and end the fighting all ready. Most definitely it affects how I feel now about parents that stay the together for the kids. Don’t kid yourself, they don’t stay together for the kids, they stay together for themselves.
    Growing up with fighting damages them far more than living with one happy parent and having visitation with another happy parent. At least if they split the children know the will never be locked out of their house because daddy is mad at mommy because mommy got mad at daddy for disrespecting her and giving her an STD. Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is acceptable that the man of the house disappears for 6 months and then just walks in like nothing happened? Because that is what he is learning and your daughter; do you want her putting up with what you have?
    Our children learn from what they see. I am sorry if you don’t want to hear that but it is the truth. I am shocked that you volunteer with women in domestic violence and still think it is better to stay with the abusive partner. Staying is more damaging to your son’s relationship with his dad because it forces him to see his mother mistreated and puts him in the horrible position of defending his mother or taking daddy’s side. He has to do one or the other to make it ok in his mind.
    If you work with abused women then you know the abuse only ever gets worse, never better.
    I went back over all the comments you have made and the replies given by myself and the other women in here and everyone has been very supportive and gave sound advice and every single time there was no reply from you until the next time he abused you and then you came in told us what happened, asked for help, (in those words, help) and we gave advice and you disappeared and again when he abused you again you got good sound advice and concern from everyone.
    I have no desire to push anyone over the edge but I am not to coddle and sympathize with someone who is not doing something to help themselves and just comes in to cry the blues. I am not going to say oh that asshole, how horrible time after time again, I am going to give you solutions and support you through the tough journey after leaving him. But I admit I have no patience with women who refuse to take the advice given when they ask for it.
    Yes I went back myself and it was stupid of me but I also didn’t know what i was dealing with, I didn’t realize how evil he was because I hadn’t researched like you have. I am here to share what I learned and to tell women that it does not get better. I am here to give women what I didn’t have, knowledge.
    Like I said before if you have really left I will support you in your journey.
    But I am not going to argue with you as to whether I was sympathetic enough for you. There are many other sites that might be better suited to what you are looking for. You were not centered out, Ellie, Claire and me all call a spade a spade and it may hurt, but it is the truth and I think we have all lived on wishes, hopes and false promises too long and need the truth. You won’t get coddled in here. You kept saying that things were so much worse than what you were writing here yet now you are saying it only got abusive the last three weeks. Your message about him coming back was at the end of march that is 6 weeks ago and at that time you had an STD and things were worse than we knew. Now you are retracting that?
    I agree that leaving has to be done with caution and you have had 1 perfect opportunity to leave in complete safety and then another not so ideal opportunity when he kicked you out of the house and we all told you not to go back because he was building his alibi should he kill you. You could have called the police and been escorted to get your things. You are making it difficult to leave because you keep taking him back. You should know that every time you take them back the abuse gets worse and the probability of the violence escalating is greater until it is too late.
    Sorry you are upset with the blog, I/we have helped many people, in fact recently I went so far as to get the FBI to check on a woman and offer her help leaving. I will do everything within my power to help a woman who is in a bad situation but I am not going to candy floss it or let them lie to themselves. it almost got me killed, I am here to hopefully prevent women from dying.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Barbara

    Well said, Carrie! <3

    Like

  • Claire

    I agree 100% Carrie.

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,302 other followers

%d bloggers like this: