How To Help Someone Involved With A Narcissist

What to do if you suspect someone you know is involved with a narcissist

First of all let’s cover the don’t:

* Do not underestimate how dangerous, manipulative and conniving a narcissist can be.

Too many times people confuse narcissism with ordinary abusive behaviour or someone with an inflated ego. A true narcissist is cruel beyond comprehension and can cause immeasurable emotional and physical damage. They will stop at nothing to control their victim and that could include death.

* Never make the victim feel they are responsible for their own abuse.

By saying things like: I would never have stayed, I would have seen he was an asshole a mile off, he was attracted to your co-dependency, etc
No one knows what it is like to be manipulated by a narcissist unless they have been there.

-Narcissists are attracted to strong, competent, self sufficient women with a strong sense of responsibility and moral fiber. What woman wouldn’t want to be described in those terms? The last thing a narcissist wants is someone needy or someone any one could have, she has to be a “trophy” and confident enough to keep his narcissistic supply coming. Plus the more self sufficient and confident she is the more determined the narcissist will be to “break” her, if he can make her totally dependent on him it is the ultimate in NS.

* Do not withdraw your support in an effort to make them choose between you and the narcissist, or in anger because they won’t leave or went back.

Withdrawing your support is giving the narcissist exactly what they want – total control over their victim and makes the victim dependent on the narcissist and reinforces what the narcissist is telling them; that they (the narcissist) is the only one they can rely on, the only one who truly loves them and that they are flawed in some way, why else would someone they cared about turn their back on them?

* Do not expect the victim to return to their “old self” immediately after leaving the narcissist.

The longer a person is involved with a narcissist the more damage is done to the person’s self confidence, their esteem and even their perception of reality. That does not heal quickly, sometimes never. The victim has been abused at a soul level, comparable to a prisoner of war, a rape victim, a hostage; they can probably not even adequately describe what they have been through. In many cases they have blocked much of the abuse or minimized it; which is typical of a person in highly dangerous situation and was part of their attempts at survival.

– Many people leaving a relationship with a narcissist suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and should get help from a professional for that, someone who is familiar with Narcissism and the effect on the victims.

*Do not believe anything the narcissist tells you, he will try anything to discredit the victim and make them appear to be the crazy one and it is the narcissist who is the victim.

You can almost guarantee that whatever the narcissist is saying is the exact opposite of the truth. If he is saying she was unfaithful; it was him cheating. If he says she spent all the money; it was he who spent money.

Remember the narcissist is an award winning actor, he’s been doing it his whole life, if he does admit to any wrong doing it will be part of his plans to manipulate the situation in his favor.

*Do not show the narcissist any sympathy!

One of the tactics often used by a narcissist (especially when he feels he is losing ground) is to use other people as pawns in his efforts to control his victim.
The victim needs no reasons to feel sorry for the narcissist, if they see you are sympathetic to his cause they will doubt they are doing the right thing by leaving.

*Do not be overly critical of the narcissist to the point of the victim feeling they must defend him; remember the narcissist uses guilt as a means of manipulation. You don’t want the victim to feel she has done anything wrong by confiding in you.

The To-Do List:

*Research Narcissism

There are hundreds of support groups, forums, advice sites and sites giving professional opinions.

No one can understand the power a narcissist has over his victim or how
he gained that control or why a victim finds it so hard to leave. Unless you have been there it is impossible, but by reading other people’s accounts of their experiences you will come to realize it is very common and perhaps develop some compassion for the loved one you are trying to help.

*Reinforce that the victim is NOT responsible for the abuse, it is the narcissist that is sick and they can not save him.

-You will have to do this often, once out of your company and back home with the narcissist the narcissist will work over time to extinguish any confidence the victim might have acquired while with you. It is a constant roller coaster ride in emotional hell and you might be the only person who can counter the insanity of living with a narcissist.


When the victim tells you of abuse, infidelity or any other mistreatment by the narcissist make note of it; if there is any physical abuse try to take pictures even if she refuses to press charges. It is actually best if she doesn’t keep records herself because the narcissist IS going through her stuff whether she realizes it or not and if he finds it he will destroy it and “punish” her in some way. But this information will come in handy in the future as:
Proof there was abuse should she have to go to court or get a restraining order.
A reminder for the victim of what she had to live with when her resolve weakens.
Proof of the truth in defense of the lies the narcissist will inevitably tell anyone who will listen.

*Be There!!!

I know it is frustrating to hear the victim cry about the abuse and then they don’t leave or they leave and go back, but you need to be her voice of reason and sanity. You must understand that narcissists are experts at making someone feel crazy.

A woman in an abusive relationship leaves an average of 7 times before leaving for good. As long as he can make her feel that she has some power to change things she will go back, she needs to be reinforced that she has indeed done all she or any woman could do and no one deserves to be abused.

* Believe them!

Once they opening up and start sharing some of the things the narcissist did, believe them, no matter how bizarre it may sound and reiterate it is the narcissist that is sick, not them!


If they are still with the narcissist all you can do is be there to listen and reinforce that: They are NOT crazy
They are strong
They are not alone
They CAN leave and when they do you will be there to help

* If they have left they will need to rehash the relationship trying to make sense of it, trying to find answers to why something so wonderful turned so ugly.

Quite often while in “survival mode” the victim will block or minimize a lot of the abuse because they are overwhelmed or simply can not accept how horrible the situation is. Once they are away from the narcissist and the danger emotions and memories will come flooding back and the brain needs to acknowledge and accept what happened in order to start the healing process. It might be necessary for the victim to relive some events over and over again.

*Allow the victim time to grieve the loss.

Too many times the people close to the victim get frustrated that they are so sad and “taking too long” grieving and should “just get over it”. That they should be happy they are away from the abuse.

Remember this is probably what they thought was the love of their life and not only is the relationship over but they have to accept it was all one sided; the narcissist is incapable of love; they were in love with a sham. The narcissist will never admit to any fault, and over time more and more of the lies he told will surface reopening the wounds.

Nine times out of ten the narcissist will be involved in another relationship very quickly and will be on his best behaviour and doing everything he can to rub his ex victim’s nose in it.

Either that or he will stock his victim, call incessantly, write letters, anything he can think of to get to her and weaken her resolve.

You can’t stop the victim from going back, but it is less likely to happen if they don’t feel alone. The narcissist can be very convincing especially if the victim is alone, depressed and filled with self doubt.

Good Luck!!!

318 thoughts on “How To Help Someone Involved With A Narcissist

  1. cat

    i was involved with a ver mean and dangerous narcassist for 15 years. It is a true miracle im not dead because of it. He was in and out of jail the entire time and on a 3 year incarceration during 2012 i by slim chance met a guy i kind of known of because knowing a lot of his family and we became really great friends. i moved in rather quick as a room mate in my own room paying but found myself falling for him pretty fast due to his kindness and wanting to save me,help me, and protect me. Hs actually 52 years old & im 42.. I thought hed be more mature than the last. im going on 3 years and hes very narcassistic. what do i do?


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      cat, you are another example of what happens when someone get involved too quickly after leaving a narcissist. A victim of a narcissist is a prime target for the next one that comes along because they need the love bombing that all narcissist do in the beginning.
      What should you do? Leave of course and stay on your own until you are completely healed, from both relationships. By getting involved too soon you postponed healing from the first relationship unfortunately.
      We are here as support.


  2. barefootandarrogant

    “Narcissists are attracted to strong, competent, self sufficient women with a strong sense of responsibility and moral fiber.” YES! Finally, a site that doesn’t describe the target of a narcissist as having low self-esteem or poor self-worth, of being swept up in the romance of it all, or thinking how great it was that this man had picked her. (Sorry for the pronoun generalization!)

    I have had this happen twice, fifteen years apart. Both times were very high points for me– I was doing well in my career, I was vivacious, lively, determined to see the best in everything and everyone, and I felt great about myself physically. I’ve never needed a partner to feel complete, but I’ve never been opposed to the idea.

    I reconnected with an old friend and we went and hung out. So much in common! Such a lovely time! So we agreed to meet for drinks. We started dating and immediately, something about this fella hit the pit of my stomach like a lump of lead. Somehow, he reminded me of my ex-fiance from 15 years earlier even though they weren’t alike at all!

    I was determined to have a long term romance, like a normal adult. I never seemed to make it past four months, and this man was clearly devoted and had demonstrated that we had plenty in common. Every time my gut churned and I got the hot/cold wave of dread, I told myself to stop hyperventilating and looking for reasons to leave.

    So you know that part in a horror movie where the sensible member of the group sing-songs, “I don’t like this…” and the skeptic snaps, “It’s just an old house!” and then blood sprays the camera? Bingo. To me, THIS IS THE REAL DANGER OF THE NARCISSIST: Somehow they convince you to listen to your head, listen to your heart, but do not listen your gut. It takes extraordinary magic for someone like me to tune out my gut since I make my living by acting on it, but there you have it. Some kind of frickin’ Jedi mind trick.

    After three years, I’m finally pulling the shreds of myself out of the bear trap of that relationship. Yeah, I did have to saw off my own arm, or it felt like that. Nine years– that’s how long this man has waited to consume my warmth, to show me off as a trophy, to make me his wife. Yeah, nine. I’d met him online, we talked for a few years, we dated for a few months and he left.

    Anyway, high drama. I always felt like I was in a telenovela and that the problems were my own fault, but ALSO that I had it wrong somehow– telenovela, si, but there was something wrong that I couldn’t put my finger on. I think those are hallmarks of a relationship with a narcissist, so ask yourself:

    1. Have I been ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut and rationalizing it away?
    2. Do I feel like I’m living in a telenovela?
    3. Does it “logically” make sense that I’m to blame for the relationship’s problems but it still feel like there’s something hinky going on? (Logically is in quotes because it’s faulty logic that omits some things while highlighting others)

    If you answer yes to these questions, or if you feel like that confident no-bullshit person you were is trickling through your fingers, well… read the above. Reread the part about minimizing abuse. Twice.

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well, you did it differently that time. Fool me 52 times and honey, I’m gonna catch on eventually, despite how much work I’ve put into loving you.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      barefootandarogant, great comment!! You are going to make it!!
      “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well, you did it differently that time. Fool me 52 times and honey, I’m gonna catch on eventually, despite how much work I’ve put into loving you.”
      There is one thing they are too stupid to comprehend. We are not weak women just because we forgive and love with all we have. They don’t see it for what it really is, incredible strength, who else but a strong woman could love them?? They think they can destroy us because they don’t see our strength, which just proves how handicapped they are.
      My ex thought I would just be there waiting for him to grace me with his presence forever more. He was so cocky and sure of himself, everyone else who knew me was surprised i took what I did for so long, he had never seen how strong I can be.
      That is their biggest mistake, they under estimate us.
      Thanks for your comment and welcome!


      1. barefootandarrogant

        Thank you for the welcome and hello!

        “We are not weak women just because we forgive and love with all we have. They don’t see it for what it really is, incredible strength.”

        Preach! This was one of the earliest sit-downs I had with my ex, who denigrated emotion and vulnerability. I whirled on him and told him it took rock-solid strength to make yourself vulnerable after hardship, betrayal, or tragedy, knowing you’d be hurt over and over again, and that a heart had to know the consequences of love and suffer them willingly when the time came or it hadn’t had love at all. Now, I don’t mean that any of us should make ourselves martyrs! Hell no! I mean we go into relationships with our eyes open. Even when we’re hurting, we keep our hearts open, we don’t Grinch up and get all wizened and shrunken and hard inside. It goes along with keeping your ears open and actually listening. (Since I’m perfect, I have noooo problem with that!) Keep your arms open– affection begets love. If that crosses a boundary, damn girl, get that mouth open and say so! In my experience, the general population is not psychic. Most of us use our words.

        FORGIVENESS HURTS. If it hurts less and less every time you forgive someone, it’s because you don’t trust them anymore and you already had your guard up. That’s deadly to a relationship. However, if you read the phrase “every time you forgive someone” without a pause, you’re probably dating a narcissist. I’m not gonna tell you to leave because you will when you’re ready, but I will tell you this: You’re not a narcissist. Nope. Uh-uh. No, there’s not a pie piece of you that’s one either. Two of them cannot date: there would be no source of supply. Also, you are not weak, worthless, or “not who you used to be.” We both know you walled off a little bit of your best self to hang onto. Shhh! It’s yours when you’re ready to reach out and take it.


        1. Tammy

          Oh wow oh wow is all I can say! I found this thread by accident or grace of God I wasn’t even looking for this when it popped up. This hits my relationship on the head! You could have been writing about my life. Not more than 5 minutes ago on my way back to the office from lunch and a drama with his latest side kick, I said to out loud how does a woman like me who has always survived on her own and done it all get involved in such a jerry springer white trash situation and stay!!!
          Thank you everyone for sharing! I have no idea what to do or where to go with this information. I have been feeling like its all my fault and he is very good at that by saying it isn’t you your great its “us” we just havent learned to communicate because of the way you were brought up. You just don’t know how to be a wife, your too independent never let me in, never trust me. (btw he has a 18 month old with someone the age of my daughter and we have been married 10 years).
          Thank you, thank you, thank you, I do not feel alone right now.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Tammy, welcome! I am glad you found something useful here. please come back as often as you need for moral support or just to ask questions, rant. Whatever you need.
            I too was an independent strong woman and used to wonder, “If I can be brought down this low how would a much younger inexperienced less confident girl survive it?” and that is when I vowed to share my experiences in hopes someone who was feeling all alone would know they weren’t.

            Liked by 1 person

    2. Dawn D

      Hi, I have been married to one for 30 years, I am a Christian a nod tried to leave several times while I was young. The Church called him and told him where I was or would not confront it and blamed me saying stop making him mad and no where in God’s word does it say you can leave or divorce because you are abused. They told me to pray. I got sick and he won he has control of everything and leaving him being disabled and toothless terrifies me. I am so low he doesn’t just threaten to kill me, he tells me to kill myself and offers ideas. I want a divorce or to just run, but I have little money hid and only 506. a month disability. I don’t want to live in a shelter poor and alone, he makes good money. He should just let me go and pay alimony but he doesn’t want me free or too cost him, so he wants he wants me dead by my own hand or his but made to look like I did it. I have no family no friends left I gave up on trying cause they didn’t believe he was that bad when I finally spoke up. Now they see but they say why didn’t you leave sooner if he is so bad. I have found out a lot about who he really is and what he is capable of the last 6 months. He has been bi or gay cheating on me the whole time he laughed at me when he finally admitted it. He has always controlled the money, and every where I go every thing I try to do alone. I am worn out. But with no money and all his notes and recordings he will ruin me if I try to leave without dying. He even photo chopped pictures from our courtship and put my head on another naked woman’s body. I never did anything with him sexually before marriage, I never would take naked pictures even after marriage. But he has threatened to post them on the Internet. I need help to run so he can’t find me but no one who I use to know would help me. I do have a very old friend in who lives in another country, but I would need passport and prof I make 2,500. A month income. I am trying to walk on a treadmill to stay out of the wheel chair I was in for 7 years. I got id’s again, and a drivers license, even a used car some one helped me out with due to circumstances at the time, but the payment are 214. a month. So that only leaves under 300. To live on. He won’t put gas in my car unless he is driving me or gives me permission. I would give up everything to live free. But who wants to help a broken down toothless old woman?


      1. Barbara

        Dawn, I am so sorry your life is this hard. Your bastard husband has obviously done a good job of making himself sound like the good one. This is typical of narcs, so we all know what you are going through on that score!
        Your church elders sound an awfully lot with not an iota of christianity or empathy in their bodies. I don’t think you should trust any of them or confide in them any more.
        You don’t say how old you are? Do you live in an isolated place where you need the car to get into town?
        Somehow you are going to have to calm yourself a little, and with Carrie and everyone elses help, work out a solution.
        If you can get to see the Social Security people without his knowing, is it worth speaking to them? They may just be able to find you somewhere safe to go. It may not be what you want in the long term, but it is a step in the right direction and you can’t put a price on peace of mind and safety.
        I think with your confidence and health so eroded over such a long period of time, everything is going to have to be baby steps.
        Thinking of you.
        Love Barbara

        Liked by 1 person

          1. newdawn2

            Hi, he hit me the first morning of our marriage, I woke up reached over to hug him and he hit me so hard I flew to the floor. He said don’t you ever touch me without permission. I was so shocked. I called the elder who married U.S. and begged him not to turn in our marriage licence, he said because we slept together 1 time, I was stuck. I regret following my churches advise, I was a new Christain from a abusive childhood. My mother was just like my husband. I traded one abuser for another, both got away with it. Now my whole life it’s all I’ve ever known. I am mad at myself for not just walking out. He is gay too, I just found out a couple months ago that he cheated with men mostly. I was never enough of a woman for him. Now I am too alive. He even got syphlis (spelling?). I was glad he wasn’t touching me after we had kids. Now I just want free. But he has taken everything from me everything. I hurt so much…

            Date: Wed, 2 Sep 2015 16:33:12 +0000 To:


            1. Barbara

              Dawn, I wish I could just whisk you out of there. The man sounds a real nightmare to live with and I feel so angry at him for being so cruel to you.
              Do your kids live nearby? Obviously they are not much help to you or you would have said, (mine neither) I think most kids just look after number one! My daughter once told me I was weak because I always tried to please people and that nobody respected me because of it. Do they also have a bad relationship with him?
              Also, what religious church do you belong to? It sounds very controlling.
              Sorry for all the questions.


              1. newdawn2

                Hi Barbara, I don’t mind questions. The Church to start with were Church of Christ. Then various Christian denominations. Then he stopped taking me. I asked from a new Church I went to the only offered prayer. They are unwilling to get involved. So I am alone again and feel like risking everything to tell was worthless and humiliating. I heard a saying that fits this, for evil to prevail only takes one good man doing nothing… I have a lot of nothing anyone’s cares to hear let alone do something about. I don’t know if I quoted it perfectly. But You get what It means. Thank you for believing me. Dawn


          2. newdawn2

            I tried to go to this but the address is wrong some how it just took me to a time warner search page, so I hit search and it just reloaded the same page. I don’t know what it is or how they can help. Thank you for believing me, no one believes or understand how bad it is. I didn’t even know how to fully explain it, but this blog of your has opened a can of worms and I am only telling a small portion of 30 years of shame, fear, depression, self worth in the toilet, and his offer to help,me die, while draining the life and fight right out of me. I hate my health issues, I would just run and figure it all out later if I was stronger. But to see him winning is killing me. I don’t hate him, I hate what he has done, I hate myself for not standing up and leaving that first day. But I respected the Church, I prayed I went to Bible studies and thought in time he will love me and stop. We moved across country with the Marine corp and I wasn’t allowed to stay in touch with friends any more or make new ones or go to Church. He was so afraid I would tell the ugly truth. When I did find everyone on Facebook no one believed it was as bad as I said, it is worse than I can ever explain. Those that did believe me told me they would pray or leave,. No one offered any help and then I was told no one wanted to hear it any more. They just stopped responding some even said I made it up. I haven’t told one lie, I have no time to tell thirty years of controlling abuse in every way. To say he he a monster is to nice. To understand how afraid and desperate I am is impossible to understand. To get no help when it was so hard to tell them and so shameful to admit I somehow let this happen and need help out. Some just ignored it other blamed me for putting up with it. No one offered help. So I asked for it, the few I told more to and asked said no and no longer speak to me, neither do the ones who think I lied, and the ones that blame me for staying, how can they understand how hard it is to escape a sadistic torch earring jail keeper who will hunt me down and kill me. He has even threatened to have me committed as crazy and emotionally unstable. I feel lost and alone in this world and if I and one person who stood up for me or helped me I would thank God and leave. My friend in another country doesn’t have the money to help more or they would. It is a husband and wife. He has full control and I am suffocating to death. He will never stop until I am gone dead or alive but gone. Dawn


  3. Dawn D

    Your so right, I wake up feeling so trapped and afraid every day. Then with my health issue thanks to him and a damaged back thanks to a few violent people my mom, my step dad who started touching me at 4 I only found out at 17 he wasn’t my real dad, man who tried to rape me, and then 30 years of this marriage which was a lie and hurtful from day one when he took total control 9 years of beating me then stop cause I called police off base who responded took him out of the home. He said, if you “F” with my Marine Corp career, I will make sure you and the kids are on the street staving if you don’t drop charge the will dishonorable discharge me. I will work odd jobs for cash to support myself,but the only thing I do to you is Kill you when I find you. So I dropped the charges. Then threat emotional, mental, and soul wrenching abuse. I had no words to explain the utter fear and how controlling he was. He did everything so I have no idea what to do, how the system works, where to start. But shelters don’t want me sick and on strong meds. so I am going off them trying to find away to live in pain and stay strong enough to walk, I have Lupus attacking my liver and Kidneys, so I am afraid I will die in this prison. I was told I would almost 5 years ago, they said I had six months to a year at best, but I am here gasping for free air. With him whispering death threats and suicide ideas at me, I am sick weak and fighting a war against absuolute control or death everyday. I installed a dead bolt on my door. But I feel even more trapped looked in a tiny stuffy room. I finally said just kill me and get it over with, he would love to but he will not chance going to jail. So he is slowly killing me. If I stop fighting and give up again after 15 years of obeying his every command, I won’t rise to fight again. He had me under control but trying to battle until fatigue and chronic illness and 7 back surgeries wore me out then I surrendered. Now I am fighting due to a horrible event that happened last year that opened my eyes, to just how much he hates me. I realized none of this was done cause he is insecure and damage from his past he is, but he has no feelings except hate and controlling me gives him power and picking some one so small, alone, but still fighting for life with no support system made me the perfect victim, he could hide he was gay because he married a pretty young woman, who was living and waiting for who she thought was the right man in spite of being abandoned by my family for years. He became my everything during the courtship. A perfect gentle man in every way. Then we married and he took control day one it has been a fight everyday since, the more I fight the crueler he became. Then I got sick during my first pregnancy which he abused me during I almost lost the baby several times after being thrown around, when he hurt me so bad it bused me or sprained something or I got cut. I had to stay home and hide. If I was bad enough to go to the doctors he was right there acting so sweet and concerned, making sure I kept quiet and he looked to be so caring. He was so afraid I’d talk. Now I finally am but no one is there to help me. I have no support system any where and the shelters around here are full with people who are not sick, they say they are not set up for someone like me. I would have to go far away, but with this med. pump in me still, I can’t go far away. I have to see a anathesiologist pain specialist who know how to fill my pump and can order the right meds. no one can say where I’d end up or how long it would take to set up a new doctor. I am to sick to go through withdrawal suddenly, so I have had my current doctor slowly weening me off, I’m I’m about 1/3 the meds. I was on and still going down. But fall is coming with colder temps and my nerve pain as well as all the other problems act up worse. Plus I get the flu and take months to recover. I need to be in a warm area year round to deal with the health issues. But I have no where except my friend in another country. I have to meet income requirements to be allowed to stay there. With out a chance to heal and move some where warm, I will die here. I am unsure how to work out all the details, I don’t know where to begin, they do have doctor who could fill and finish weening me off the pump. But I have to have the money to cover it, I lose Medicare while living outside the U.S. AND I have to leave every 90 days for 72 hours, to keep my Visa ok while I apply for residency. That could take a year and I would need to fly out every 90 days until I am granted residency. My friends can help with a cheap place to rent and some food. So I just need to prove the residency requirements to go. I may have a friend of his in California I could fly to every 90 days. Then I would just have to have air fair for 4 trips. I just don’t know any other way to get free. He knows the shelters here he knows how to find me. He has threatened to ruin me if I try to divorce him which takes a year of separation before I can even apply. I would have no support from him until the divorce was final. I would have to pay for the divorce myself too, and he refuses to grant it even if I did all of this. So running is the only way changing my name, maybe even becoming a citizen of another country so I am far enough away and all he says and does to discredit me, ruin my rep. And humiliate me with picture he photo chopped of our engagement photos in a pretty white dress I made. He put my head from that photo on pictures of another naked woman. He hasn’t made it look perfect yet, he does not have details like my watch anything which would make the body part look more like me some how, but I found his notes on the editing and the ones he printed. He has them scanned and stored with carbonate a of his computer site that backs up files should it go down. He made some threats employing he would post some naked picutures on the Internet to make me look like a slut ( spelling? ) I said I never let you take photos like that when we were married and during our courtship and marriage We never did anything sexually, so that is impossible. He asked for,photo shop for Christmas one year to fix photos damage in a fire. He never did that, I had no idea he was going to use it as one more thing to humiliate me, damage my character, and make me look like I have no morals. The body is petite like me, if he gets the head on better and touch up some details people will think I did something like that. I know it isn’t even close to what I looked like naked before kids, but no one else will. I can’t be here to see that stuff, and have people assume I did that. He threatened me with it if I leave or tell what he has down, or tell he is gay or bi and got syphilis. I have proof. He donated blood to the Red Cross and we received a letter from them, he thought it was a request for money because he just gave blood. So he gave me permission to open it, I have to have permission to get the mail, & open anything of mine in front of him if it isn’t junk mail. So I was given permission to open it. My face must of given away the shock, he grabbed it and said it was a mistake a false possitive. I said prove it. The next day he showed me a printed letter from a doctor on base that said it was a false positive. I Said where is the test proving it. How did you get this so quickly. He said they rushed it to make sure he was ok. I called the Red Cross they double check for false positives and the letter was signed by a doctor the base clinic said was not anyone they had there or ever heard of. I recently found the test results letter from the Red Cross so I have prof.. I have small amount of money saved. But I can’t see my way through to get the money it will take to be free. There is so much more I can’t fully explain, but running is the only way and that takes support. I don’t know where to look any more. I am so down that my plans to go to my friend is impossible without money. I have never begged for help before or told all of this until recently. But all I get is prayers and I wish I could help. He is on the war path now, he know I am up to something. He records everything I say or do on note, on cameras and even MP3 players. So I have to hide and take quiet on the phone, he doesn’t give me gas unless I have permission to go some where, he know where I am. I think he has on star following my exact location. So I have to dump the car when I run. I thought about driving to Florida or some where warm, but that is not possible now. I don’t know what to do now. The more trapped I feel the more depressed I am getting. My kids are not in a position to help me. My son hates him for what he did and does to both of us. My daughter gets away with everything, so she rebelled to the point of getting pregnant by a bad guy, who is a heroine addict, very violent, a thief and in and out of prison. She stays with him and even became a heroine addict herself. She lost custody of her daughter, gave her to her dad legally for him and me to raise, but if he dies she goes to foster care. He told me I am not on the house mortgage, so I get nothing when he dies and he had stage 4 lower skull cancer which spread to his sinuses. He worked on chemically treated wood with out a proper mask or good ventilation. Less than a year later he got cancer but refused to go to the doctor until his nose broke because of the tumor. He blames me and the stress I put him under for his cancer. I am blamed for everything that goes wrong, even when I had nothing to do with it. I pay dearly whenever something goes wrong. When it goes right it is all his. He has sold gifts I got from him and the kids, stole or forced me to get disability money to him. He controls everything and he is bragging about just how stupid I am and how I can’t prove anything. But he keeps notes on things he pays for me, things I give cash to pay he then puts it in his account and says he paid it. He says I start all the fights and he starts them but keeps notes on any thing I react to that he did to hurt me first,but leaves out what he did, he records me responding to things he says or does to hurt me before he starts the recorder. He has boxes of evidence on my, my medical file copies, his notes , his pictures, his recordings down loaded on carbenite. He will use it all if I tell or leave. Our grand daughter is attached to me for emotional support, if I report him she goes into fostercare. I will never see her again. I see endless mountains in front of me hard to climb if I am not sick, impossible sick. I wish I had died almost 5 years ago from this illness like the doctors said. I am worthless to him sick and not pretty no more but he keeps control so I don’t talk. He wants me dead too, he tells me all the time. He tells me ways to do it and to make sure it doesn’t make him look guilty. He says he’ll help me do it as long as he wont get blamed. He is working on ideas of how he might get away with it. He is so cruel and so afraid of losing control of me. I am worn out, I don’t know how much longer I can hold on? I see him draining the life and fight right out of me, helpless to stop him. Only now understanding how far he wil go. I have to go farther to win my freedom, but I am lost without anyone to help me. I am depressed every day now and begged God take me home. But here I am alone waiting for freedom one way or another… I am lost i grief over all the lost years and feeling it is too late for me…

    I even looked into the on line support me things, I don’t know which to trust and don’t know if any one would care to give. I can’t even sleep at night and drag myself through the day in every kind of pain. Dawn


  4. newdawn2

    Maybe I could start a organization that helps desperate woman escape their from a Narcissists prison. I wonder if a world ran by men would allow or donate too. But I have to get free first. Dawn


  5. Robynn

    Hey – I am devastated because my husband is now throwing me away after 15+ years of marriage filled with neglect. I forgive and forgive. Rarely touches me. No physical abuse. But that might be easier to take. Held my hand once in 15 years. Includes me in bare minimum. Now nothing. I’m disposable and over 50 and scared and hurting . The rejection after all the demeaning yrs is so painful. I had been engaged to a narcisit b4 him and never thought it could happen again. They appeared so different. He makes a lot of money, leader in a church, lies about me and is mentally beyond cruel. Why am I so devastated that he wants a divorce?
    Help please my self esteem is low low low.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Robynn, what you are feeling is normal I am afraid. After over 15 yrs of abuse he has managed to push your self esteem to the lowest. You know deep down you didn’t deserve to be treated so badly but you took it because you were living on the hope he was going to go back to the man you met. He presented one image to the outside world and the mask came off behind closed doors making you feel it was somehow your fault. He has led you to believe that if you changed, did this or that, or didn’t do this or that; he would once again be the man you met.
      Nothing was ever good enough and you always felt if you could explain it in a way he could understand he would stop hurting you. Now you have so much time and effort invested you are afraid the next woman is going to reap the rewards of all your efforts.
      If you are like me, you thought that eventually you would get sick of being mistreated and it would be easier to leave but it doesn’t work like that. The longer you stayed the more you had invested and the harder it is to leave.
      You tried to live down the lies, prove he was wrong, and now it is like he has stolen everything you ever stood for, everything you are. You made him your purpose in life, he was your every wish and dream, you gave up more of yourself until now you don’t even know who you are.
      Time, it takes time to heal., Be patient with yourself and as kind and understanding with yourself as you were with him.
      Now you have to educate yourself on narcissists so you know why everything happened the way it did, understand the effect it had on you and what to expect next. Then will come the time you have to work on yourself and accepting and loving who you are., But it doesn”t happen over night. It took 15 years and actually your whole life to bring you here, it is not going to be fixed in a month or two. But it will get much easier the minute you go no contact completely and stop listening to what people tell you about him and what he is doing and saying.
      You are not alone, you are safe here to vent and cry, rant and rage if you want.



  6. JAY

    I am currently living with a total narcosissitc psychopath. I just found out I’m pregnant. How come narcosissts will go beyond the extra mile to help people that do not deserve it? He has a few friends that are total lowlife dirtbag druggies that always need his help. He will give them all his money to help them but is trying to evict me. He said it makes him feel good to help them … But normal people don’t feel good by helping dirtbags that causes them or their spouse to go without. I work and despite telling him I am trying to save my money to leave him he is trying to get me evicted. He will keep no food in the house and disappear for days (as I have no car, work from home, and essentially my friends are either done hearing about it or believe that I am a psychopath abusing him) just to leave me hungry. I have called my friend I’m the past and told them I was hungry and to please give me a ride to the store, next thing I know they are telling me that they just spoke to spouse and he was on his way home and that he would take me to the store or bring food home. He didn’t show up for two more days.. He went out of his way to reassure my friend he was on his way after being gone for days and even went as far as to tell my friend that she shouldn’t have to load up her children and go out of her way to give me a ride (which she didn’t mind) so he could essentially act like he was helping her out. His friend.. A total junkie… Stopped by with yet another bogus sob story about how he was going to get kicked out and so on… He hands him a good amount of money and says he feels bad (it was clear to me his friend was totally lying) but he doesn’t feel bad about evicting his pregnant fiance? This just doesn’t make sense. Why on earth help a bunchof lying junkies?


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jay, This sentence is your key to understanding the narcissist “This just doesn’t make sense.”
      Stop trying to make sense of what they do, that is what makes them narcissists! They are cruel for the sake of being cruel. It doesn’t make sense, it is not normal, and that is the number one mistake victims make when dealing with a narcissist, they keep thinking of them in terms of being a normal human being with normal emotions. They aren’t!! They are evil cruel and get off on your pain.
      Please keep reading and educating yourself and stop expecting him to do the right thing. There is far too much to write in a comment. Read as much as you can so you are prepared for what is to come. Especially if you are having his child. Knowledge is power and believe me you will need to stay one step ahead of him and keep your wits about you.
      What he is doing is so totally normal for a narcissist it is text book. Mine left me and his son home eating porridge and rice while he ate out or brought take out home for himself, for weeks. Then punched his son for eating his donut after he told the kid to eat it. They are sick son of a bitches. They do not have a conscience, none, they thrive on the pain they cause other people. Find someone who believes you, don’t tell him you are leaving and get the hell out ASAP!!
      We are here for moral support, we care and you are not alone.


  7. hurtashell

    u was in very happy relationshiop for 10yrs. 2 months ago he send me a message at work to say that he has met someone and that he is leaving me. He left the same nite without any explanation for even a sorry.
    I have not heard from him since. We were a very close family so it was a shock to all of us including the grankids…………..I have since realised that this affair has obviously been going on for a while and also realised a lot of my household goods being missing which I believed he pawned. He is blaming me for the break up which doesn’t make sense as we were very happy and everybody knew it. 2 days after he left he even changed his profile pic to him and her. I ripped my heart in pieces. How can he be so hearlless after everything we had ?
    I am devastated stil and feel I need closure………..Battling to eat sleep and function at work.
    What do I do and how do I ever get over this terrible time.
    After reading about narsissism, I realised who he was/is.
    Do I get professional help or does it get better in time ??


    1. Barbara

      The first thing to do, before you even start to assess your situation, CHANGE THE LOCKS! Don’t let him take anything more from you.
      Then sit down with your family and ask them to help you decide what your best move is. You need their help and support. You have this site to vent on and for Carries advice.
      You will be absolutely reeling at the moment. It will take a few years for you to come to terms with what he has done to you; and you will probably never understand him. Put yourself, your well being first now. You need to make sure you are financially secure.


      1. hurtashell

        I have since sold my house and moving end of October. I think I made a rational decision by doing all that in 2 mths since he left. I am still in contact with his children which adore me and know that he is in the wrong.
        I also heard that he is getting married in January ?? How can that be possible ?
        That news has made everything worse……….Cant carry on pretending I am ok. My family as well as his family support me all the way but I feel so lonely inside and embarresed for what has happened to us.
        Wherever I go people are asking me where he is because we will always together and I am tired of telling the story over and over.
        I am absolutely broken………do you think I need professional help


      2. hurtashell

        A few years………..omg I wil never cope another year.
        I wonder if he will do the same to this new women that he is with now…………..she should know what he did to me.



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