Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

Letter to the Next Victim

I want to offer some information so you don’t believe him when he tells you that you are crazy and he has about had it with YOUR theatrics. To find support and to confirm you are not crazy just google Malignant Narcissist, Psychopath; JC is textbook.

I assume you are beginning to doubt JC is everything he professes to be; so much what I am about to tell you should ring true to you, arm you with knowledge of things yet to come and hopefully you will run NOW, and not wait. I didn’t try to warn you because I know how charming he can be in the beginning, you were thinking he was the love of your life and you would never have believed me anyway. I’m sure he has made me sound like a psycho bitch (because that is what he told me about the ones before me) who made his life hell for 10 years. Plus you would have wanted to prove how loyal you were to him after  he had been treated so badly by me.

But by now things aren’t adding up, he has changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it or he is saying you are being too sensitive, you are doubting yourself and your gut instinct. I guarantee you he won’t change,  in fact;  the longer you are with him the weaker you get, the more control he gains and when you have nothing left to give he will leave you without a backwards glance, except to call you a psycho bitch and tell you he has found the love of his life.

Here are a few facts that might help you realize you are just one of many women who have been the “love of his life”. He is incapable of true love, has no conscience, feels entitled to do and take anything he desires without guilt and will blame you for your own pain.

Did you know that he and I had gone for dinner the night before he broke down in your driveway and he had walked me out to my truck and said I love you and kissed me ever so sweetly. Did you know that he was seeing 3 or 4 women at the same time, telling me he loved me and saying, “I don’t know why you get so upset, you know we always end up back together.” The day after we had dinner together the police called me and asked if I knew where my car was. (it was in my name and I was insuring it as a favor to JC, according to his blog he had left your house to meet me so I could insure it for him, all the while leading me to believe he still loved me) The police told me where it was parked with the keys in it. It turns out JC was seeing a married woman and her husband found out and thought by letting me know it would break it up. It did break it up but he went straight to your place. I found out on the blog he had at the time that he was thinking Peggy was going to be the last woman he ever loved.

He had told 6 women in 2 years that he loved them, but he means it with you, right? But that was a long time ago wasn’t it, maybe he was lying to you then, maybe he was lying to many people but your special love has changed him, right? Just because he has never been faithful in his life and he has physically abused every woman he has been with doesn’t mean he will abuse you, right? he just hasn’t had anyone love him like you love him, right? You can go ahead and believe that, I won’t try to change your mind but keep THIS in mind; past behavior predicts future behavior. I am going to do you a favor, give you an advantage I never had. Do with it what you will but you would be wise to not let him know you know. Knowledge is a powerful thing and it would serve you well to file this information.

– Within a month of us moving in together I accidentally found he had joined a dating site while I was at a family function he refused to attend at the last-minute. Of course I was being totally selfish when I got angry. When he realized my bags were packed he turned on the tears and begged me to stay, he made all kinds of empty promises.

– Remember this: If you decide you have had enough of his pathological lying, infidelity, and chronically being fired for stealing and kick him out; he will recite everything he ever did wrong to you, take total blame, give a tearful apology and one week later when you find out he hasn’t done anything to change and remind him of his promises he will look you straight in the eye and say, “I told you what I knew you wanted to hear.” and accuse you of living in the past.

– He has studied mind control, all the tricks on how to get any woman to go to bed with him, and he will look you right in the eye and lie! Even when you catch him red handed he will deny deny deny and then get angry, don’t push him, he will hit you. It’s called narcissistic rage. The worst thing you can do is tell a narcissist he/she is wrong or challenge their lies.

– At first sex was great, we slept wrapped together all night. He even made a point of mentioning how a couple sleep together is an indication of how “connected” they are and he’d never been able to sleep snuggled up all night with anyone like the way we slept. We would make love and he would want to fall asleep while he was still inside me, often waking up several times in the night to do it again. He couldn’t get enough of me; but soon he came to bed later and later, and would make it to bed just in time to get laid before I had to go to work. The last couple of years he was falling asleep anywhere but in bed with me.

– he was an attentive lover at first and every time we broke up, between those times it was all about him, I was taking too long to orgasm, oral sex was reserved for those times he was trying to win me back and in the end he wouldn’t even pull his jeans down and just undo his zipper. I never rejected him, because I loved him with all my heart and I didn’t want to give him any reason to go elsewhere. In 10 years, even when we were split I never so much as kissed another man.

He will eventually treat you with loathing. When I cried and offered to leave because it was obvious he didn’t love me he told me I was being too sensitive and paranoid.

He came to me after about 3 months of no contact, he had moved to Red Deer and I had gone on with my life: and begged me to come back to him, to give him “one last 2nd chance”. He was crying, telling me I was all the woman he would ever want or need, he proposed, he made love to me like never before and made me repeat over and over that I knew he loved me. He apologized for everything he ever did wrong without blaming me for anything. he acknowledged how hard I had worked and how I had put up with more than any woman should have to.He also told me he had been given 6 months to live. I found out over the course of 2 years that when he promised total honesty and faithfulness he was alternating living with two women in Alberta, had only hidden his profile on POF, and still writing a woman in Africa promising to bring her to Canada and marry her.

– He had many ads on many sites, looking for sex, love and any age was fair game.

– One time I counted 102 porn sites saved on the computer.

– Speaking of the internet, he has discovered all the ways to hide his activity on the net, if you are not computer savvy you have no idea the 2nd false life he leads on the net.

– Sounds weird I know, but he injured himself every time I thought I’d had enough and I’d have to take care of him. It happened for years until I casually mentioned what a coincidence it was that every time we had a fight he got injured, then it never happened again.

– Also, every vehicle I had for the 10 yrs I was with him developed a recurring problem that only he could fix or it was stolen. I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years, and numerous, more than I can count; broke down never to run again. That was how he controlled where I went, how much money I had and whether I could leave him or not. It is after all, all about control, him controlling you. You will not control him in any way.

With my last truck alone it was a constant string of truck repairs. JC drove my truck until the last torque converter melted and destroyed the new tranny, why would a mechanic do something like that? I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t dealing with a normal person, there is no way of knowing why he does the things he does.

Just some of the issues with my truck:

1. He borrowed my truck to go get Tim Horton’s one night. While he was at Tim Horton’s some guys dropped off a car at Ralph’s across the street,he says the guys told him to help himself to the battery, rad etc out of it. So he did. The cops having coffee in Timmy’s of course checked out what he was doing and checked out my truck. They wrote him up for a bald tire and a broken wooden sideboard and gave him an inspection order; that he never told me about. Four months later I am driving through Surrey at 11 at night and get pulled over in a routine check. The police ask to see my inspection sheet, I give them my valid inspection sheet that doesn’t expire for another 6 months but they insist I had another inspection order. I don’t know what they are talking about, but they take the plate, put my truck “out of service”, fined me close to $2500 and call the tow truck. Now I can’t put it back on the road until it passes a full inspection, it can’t even be driven to the inspection facility it has to be towed. JC still did not recall getting the inspection order. When I called the Department of Transport office she brought it up on the computer and said, “Does the name ____________ sound familiar?”Then, shortly there after he found the ticket in a coat pocket. That episode cost me $2500 in fines. Plus it meant that it had to be inspected and we knew it was needing brakes and power steering box. JC kept saying he had a guy who would come to the house to inspect the truck, 3 weeks went by and nothing. So I drove it (yes I know it was illegal but I was desperate)to a shop, paid the $125 and had it inspected. JC had fixed the steering box so I assumed he had fixed the brake line leak, but when the guy inspecting the truck looked, there was a pair of vice grips on the brake line!

2. I immediately bought the parts necessary for the brake job. The truck sat for another full month with JC promising to do the brakes every weekend but never doing them.

3. The starter went on the truck, it was on warranty so it wasn’t going to cost anything but 3 weeks went by and it didn’t get done, so I paid to have the truck towed to a shop and repaired. I still owe for that repair.

4.JC’s F250 was stuck in a friends muddy field, he was using my truck to try to pull it out. I could smell something burning but he wouldn’t stop. He is the one who told me a long time ago that you could burn out your tranny that way. I finally lost it and demanded he stop. When he did there was smoke coming from under the hood. But did he stop then? NO! He kept at it until there were flames. I was furious and told him he owed me a new tranny. But the next day when we pick it up it worked ok, but JC told me I should change my tranny fluid. I didn’t know how, money was tight and after all he was the one who overworked it. I bought the tranny fluid, but it never got done. There’s more incidents like this but you get the idea. The tranny fluid ended up going into his transport truck.

– Keep detailed records of any money he gives you and what you spend, also keep a journal because JC changes how and what happens to suit his agenda, if you haven’t kept track you probably won’t remember and even if you do it is his word against yours and he won’t back down.

Somehow you will always owe him money, it doesn’t matter if you make sure you pay for all your own expenses and most of his, out of the blue he will come up with a figure he thinks you owe him. I got in the habit of asking, “Is this a gift or will you expect me to pay for it later, because I can’t afford it so don’t want it, if it is a gift then thank you.”

Never assume anything!!

– He will bitch profusely about all the work and money he’s put into your vehicle and all of a sudden he will have an invoice for you in the thousands for work he’s done.

– He will be relentless about badgering you for payment.

– Eventually either the personal ads, his off and on affection for you (he used to say his love was cycleable) or his badgering you for money will get the better of you, you will explode and you will either be hit(punched) or strangled. He will NOT be sorry.

– If you are emotionally distraught about your child, or someone important to you other than him he will try to control that by not letting you leave or phone until you “calm down” and will resort to physical restraint. If you fight that he will hit you.

– You will discover he is writing love letters to at least one other woman but he will somehow blame you for driving him to it.

– Throughout all this he will have moments of seemingly genuine remorse and will make all sorts of promises, cry, write poetry, anything he thinks will win you over with his charms.

– In 10 yrs he was fired from every job he had, the longest he held a job was one year, most don’t last past the 3 month probationary period.

– He is always “falsely” accused of stealing.

– Rest assured he is lying to you, about how much money he makes, where he spends his money, that he didn’t call because his phone needed charging, that he was working late.

– Quite by accident his best buddy told me something JC had told him and it was nowhere near the truth, after that we compared notes several times a week; JC lies about everything, even things he has no reason to lie about.

– He will be late, always, whether you have Christmas dinner planned, its your birthday, you have a houseful of people coming, you are going to an event he’s known about for weeks, you WILL be left waiting for JC and you WILL miss things that are very important to you.

– although he was generous in the beginning, he has kept track of every dime he has spent on you and after a while not only will you be paying your own way every where but his also. Whereas he used to leave little love notes for you to wake up to and he would buy you flowers for no occasion after a year or so you won’t get gifts any more, not for your birthday, Christmas, or Valentines. I stopped caring but he would make sure to ruin any celebration I had planned.

– he will stop caring if you are enjoying sex, you’ll be lucky if he uses lube let alone to get you aroused. But if you break up, be ready for some of the best sex you’ve ever had, until he’s got you back.

– all his friends either accuse him of stealing or screwing them on a deal, he has no long-term friends because he is not a friend to anyone unless he has something to gain from the friendship. When he does make a new friend he takes on their views and beliefs and calls them daily, gives them gifts and is almost obsessed with them (just like he was with you in the beginning)

– he is passive aggressive and he WILL get even. Something of sentimental value to you will disappear or get broken, by accident of course. By the time we split I had nothing of value left. He loaded my camper on my truck with a bobcat, drove over my possessions with the bobcat, threw my stuff in a muddy pasture and hosed it down. He promised to help me move and then never showed up so I lost my furniture. He stole mementos like my son’s baby teeth, a gold booty charm I got when my son was born and poured antifreeze on all my photos to name just a few things.

– what’s yours is his and what’s his is his and he will not treat your possessions with respect, nor you for that matter.

– Watching a TV show?, he’ll start playing the guitar. Gotta go to bed early he’ll find a way to keep you awake, sick? Forget it if you think he’s going to nurse you, you’ll be lucky if he’ll take you to the hospital when you are REALLY sick, in fact he’ll probably make sure to not be home at all if you are sick.

– He doesn’t do dishes, not if you have been sick for 2 weeks with pneumonia or away for a few days, the dishes will be waiting for you when you are well again or back home.

– He is a slob. He will stop showering daily, stop dressing nice and you will wonder where the clean well dressed guy you met disappeared to, yet when he is going out he will dress up. Where is he going? do you really know?

He has probably isolated you, somehow managed to move you to a remote location so he can control you easier and you don’ t have a support system of family and friends. He will make sure you don’t have a vehicle so when he is gone you can’t go look for him or leave without him. You will be reliant on him for everything, to take you to the doctor, to visit your family, to go grocery shopping; he wants you home but don’t expect him to be accountable for his activities.

I bet shortly after you met him he borrowed a small sum of money and paid you right back, so when he needed a large amount you felt confident he would pay you back. I bet he hasn’t has he? but he has acquired new guitars, motorcycles, and vehicles.

There is more but if that isn’t enough then look out, you are as big a sucker as I was and he WILL break you. After a while you won’t be able to do anything right, you can’t because he keeps changing the rules. When he has used you up he will say he can’t take it any more and he wants out, oh he’ll let you stay because he wouldn’t want to see you with nowhere to go, but its over for him. If it is your house he will refuse to leave. If you tell him to get out he will go away and come back like nothing ever happened. If you lock him out he will threaten to kick the door down so you will let him in for fear of what the neighbors think. If you put his stuff outside he will pretend he doesn’t notice and come in any way, he may be very loving and seem to have changed, if you let him in the house he will slowly bring his stuff back in the house. If you call the police they won’t help. If he has given you any money you will be told it is a rental  agreement and you must serve him with an eviction notice, if he hasn’t given you money then it is considered a domestic issue and the police won’t get involved unless there are signs of domestic violence. If he is driving your vehicle (because he owes the insurance company so much money he can’t afford the insurance) by law, if you didn’t tell him that if he did not return it by a certain date and time you would report it stolen; the police will not help you get it back. You can not cancel the insurance if you don’t have the license plates and anyway if you cancel the insurance he will just drive it without insurance and seeing as it is in your name if he has an accident they will come after you not him. PLUS depending on how long you have been together you may be considered to be married by law and if you don’t have a prenuptial agreement he is entitled to half of everything you own anyway.

You probably have so much money invested in the relationship you know that if you kick him out you will never see your money again. Face it, you are never going to see your money again anyway. You are best to cut your losses and kick him out now before he costs you any more money. If you haven’t figured it out by now, he does not live up to his obligations, he owes everyone and has an excuse why he doesn’t have to pay the debt and it is always someone else’s fault.

About now you just want the man you met back, you want to feel loved again, you try to be more loving because he says you are driving him away with your unreasonable demands for fidelity, accountability and honesty. You will say I love you and he will refuse to say it back because that is what you want. He will act like he loathes you and the times he is loving are fewer and farther between. You will grovel and beg him to please just tell you what he wants, he’ll say “I know I don’t want this” and walk away with a rolling of his eyes and a look of disgust You want that sweet loving man you met back and will do almost anything to revive him but you don’t know how to reach him. You try to discuss things rationally with him like you used to (remember  how when you first met he told you that you were different from all the rest, he could talk to you because you were so calm and rational not like his psycho exs?) so you choose your words carefully, try to pick a time when he isn’t angry and unapproachable and as non-confrontational as possible you try to talk to him about your concerns and how much you love him and just want to know if he still loves you and wants to be with you. But the man who cried the first time he said I love you, the sensitive guy who you talked to for hours in the beginning and told you that you were all the woman he would ever want is now cold and distant, annoyed with your emotional display.  Sorry, the man you met was an illusion, a figment of your imagination that he expertly brought to life in order to hook you. The joke’s on you and he is smug about being able to pull one over on you. To him your displays of emotion are nothing more than attempts to control him. You have been sucked into an elaborate game of strategy, he is continually planning his next move, he must “win” and you are now the enemy. He is a pathological liar, and cheater and assumes you are also. Life is a game where there are no loyalties, no compassion, no empathy, no commitments, only the world against him in his quest to find happiness by fulfilling his every desire any way he can. But he is empty, he has no soul, he was born disabled and can not feel love, empathy or compassion, he has no conscience so feels no guilt, in his mind you deserve to be treated with loathing because you were stupid enough to get sucked in by his lies. He is superior to you because he is smarter than that, to him emotions are a weakness or a weapon. in a normal relationship if you say, “Please stop doing that, it hurts me.” the person will stop, with a narcissist all he sees is you trying to control him and will do it again just to prove you can’t tell him what to do. If he hurts you and you break up with him he will stop at nothing to get you back, say anything, promise everything, admit to everything. if you take him back he isn’t happy to have you back, he sees you as weak and stupid for believing him and for that he will punish you with worse treatment. Every time you forgive him and he gets away with whatever transgression he sees it as a challenge. If he got away with that, what else can he get away with? He needs to hurt you, he gets off on your pain and he must increase the pain he inflicts because like with any addiction he needs more and more. At first the personal ads were good enough but you forgave that, so now he had to exchange pictures and write love letters, when you forgive that he has to date them.

You, you have compromised so many of your boundaries you don’t have any “deal breakers” any more, you don’t know what you believe any more, the lines between right and wrong are blurred. You are ashamed to tell your friends how the relationship really is because you know deep down it isn’t right or fair but he is so adamant that you are to blame, you don’t even know anymore. You just want the pain to stop.

How long the relationship lasts is dependent totally on when JC finds your replacement.

If you leave him before he is ready he will stalk you, harass you and you will believe he could kill you. If you call the police he will be on the phone at the same time laying charges against you or whoever might come to your defense. He will forge your signature on legal documents, insurance papers or a bill of sale.

He will get you evicted time after time and if you move, once you are back on your feet he will be back and slowly but surely he will move in. In 10 yrs he paid the rent for 2 yrs and lived with me the other 8.

Do not doubt the depth of evil within this man,  if you have a gut feeling you are in danger do not doubt it! When ever JC thought I was truly going to leave was when he got the scariest.

He taped us having sex, he had a hidden camera pointed at the chair I usually sat at, he would listen in on conversations and track me through my phone. He sabotaged my brakes, and power steering on my truck more than once and tampered with my tires resulting in me blowing a front tire going 110 km on the freeway. Your imagination is not playing tricks on you, you are not being too suspicious or paranoid.

don't look backThere is a reason he doesn’t want you to meet his ex’s and it isn’t because they are psycho bitches.

Think about it. Like I said to him once. “You must be concerned about yourself.” He said no why do you say that? I said, “Because all your ex’s are psycho bitches. Either you are attracted to psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem. I’d be concerned if I were you.”

 

278 thoughts on “Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

  1. miss kitty

    Wish me luck! Will he just leave me alone? His stuffs at my house.? This was just a great opportunity to get rid of him by leaving him with his mom n splitting. Maybe that wasn’t the way to do it but I am so broke I CANT AFFORD HIM EVEN 4 a day . What do I do with his things?

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Miss Kitty, you can bet he will not leave you alone, especially if you have his stuff. i don’t know what he has there but if I were you I would pack it up and take to somewhere where he can pick it up without you having to be involved. You don’t want to let him in the house, if you have his stuff he will use it to get to you, take some of it but not all of it, or set up a time to get it and not show up etc
      You want this to happen quickly and without you involved. Do you know a friend of his where you can take his stuff?
      I don’t recommend throwing it away, depending what it is you could be charged by him but no the less you don’t want to antagonize him or do anything that will make you feel guilty because he will play on that also.
      If he has to come to the house and get his stuff make sure you are not alone when he does and if you have a big guy friend to be with you all the better.
      Still, if he is dangerous you don’t want him in the house at all, a big guy is little protection from a bullet.
      If you get s restraining order the police may accompany him to get his stuff. In my case that is what happened.
      No matter what, I would have it all packed up, nice and neatly so you can’t be called the psycho ex who destroyed all his stuff or stole his stuff.
      Good luck!
      hugs

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      1. miss kitty

        carrie I am happy to announce that I got James out of my house last Wednesday and let me tell you it wasn’t easy. I got him to take what was important to him and he left stuff behind he said I could have I recorded him telling so. and his dad’s 400.00 dollar rent check came in the mail and I then gave him the cash and put his dads check to my mortgage company. He says he wasn’t going to have his dad put stop payment on the check which he better not. And Im sure his dad will find out he not at my house by end of the month. too bad he can’t just forget to tell his dad and it go on another 6 months without him here to recover some of my loses. It hasn’t even been a week and he already is hooked up living at this chicks moms beautiful house in sterling hills CA in Camarillo. The mom parties I guess. When this guy William told James and I about this chick Brandy’s mom I knew right then that that was where James was going to end up once he out of my life. It’s 2 and a half hours away from me and I’m happy he has a diversion and he not calling me all the time. I honestly think I am in the clear on this nightmare with James. Getting to this point wasn’t easy and I’m a total wreck.

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  2. Jenny

    I’m 5 weeks NC….. And 8 weeks having not seen the living corpse…. I feel so much better… Think about him everyday …. We are def over… I doubt I will hear from him again… A seven year nightmare is over…. Constant cheating … Even the weekend I left my husband of over 30 years to move in with him I found out he’d been cheating for weeks! Why ask me to leave my marriage… Always side relationships… And regular cheating… Sometimes he’d confess by text but quickly withdraw and say I was so gullible id believe anything… I had a breakdown … Harmed myself… Damaged my family …. And all for an evil living corpse…. In our last year together… When we split many times, he stopped being able to have sex with me… This is at the same time as his interest in anal sex and tranvestites increased… He cross dressed at home and wore my make up…. Begged me to penetrate him with a sex toy… I refused… I’m sure that’s the only reason he continued with me on the off chance that he would get what he wanted…. We barely saw each other…. When it was obvious that I would not do what he wanted the final discard began…. We would go out for meals but he would quickly bore of me and then i would go home to my own house and he would go And have an evening out with friends…. Heavy drinking…. I began to despise him and although the end was difficult I knew it was a release. I’ve got used to having no contact now… And am starting to enjoy my life… I worry about the first time I bump into him as we do live in the same area…. But I didn’t on this final discard shed any tears…. Id none left…. Not for him anyway…. This site gives strength and understanding…. I never thought I would be free of this toxic relationship…. Fgs one night he even tried to instigate sex between me and his friend ( we were all drunk) …. God knows what his friend thought the next day … But they remained friends …. And we stayed together for a few more years…. I cannot believe I put with such abuse… And god knows what he told his friend that they remained friends…. Unbelievable….

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jenny, stay strong. Write a list of all the things he did so later when he comes crawling back full of apologies you will remember. Because 90% of them make a curtain call, especially if it looks like you aren’t suffering. When they are done with a victim they want the person to be completely drained of all self esteem, money, confidence and to be an emotional puddle on the floor. When he realizes he didn’t totally devastate you he will be back to do the job right. It could be 6 months for now or years from now but he will pop into your life just to see if he still has the power to suck you in.
      My ex tried with one ex 15 years later. He was living with me for 8 years at that point and he told her he had been waiting 15 years for her. (while sleeping in my bed! I don’t call that “waiting”) She was smart, she fell for it in the beginning but got smart after not too long. Me? well I was not so smart and stayed another year because he told me I was being paranoid and there was nothing going on. (I have talked to her since we split)
      Another one of his exs he hadn’t seen in at least 10 or more years and was going to be in his hometown for his grandmother’s funeral, once again while living with me. He had her believing he was sorry and wanted to try again and she picked him up from the airport and then he refused to go back to her place to talk and he laughed when he wrote about it on his blog. They are bastards that get off on toying with women (or men) . Many of them are into gay sex, they have no boundaries and that includes sex. They constantly seek attention and they don’t care if it comes from men or women or both. They have to push the boundaries and live on the edge to feel alive. Sex is a tool to control people, a bodily function, a natural instinctual need, but it is never about love for them. At first they are excellent lovers who seem totally into the victim but once they have the victim firmly hooked the challenge is gone and they have to up the anti. They cheat and that gives them a thrill because they are able to suck the victim in. When they are found out, then they get a thrill from winning the victim back. Once they have done that a few times the challenge is gone and they move on to men.
      Thank your lucky stars you didn’t get an STD and go no contact and get on with your life. You dodged a bullet. Good for you!!
      Glad you found something useful here. Come back as often as you need for moral support or to ask questions.
      Hugs

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  3. miss kitty

    Thank you Carrie so much. I really felt so alone with this guy and this issue. I found you by gods leading me here. I have been praying for Gods help awhile now. I was searching for replacement tail lights for my GMC TRUCK ( he backed into a shopping cart that he knew was there-thinking I guess it would move out of the way. DUH, like there’s a wall there too so where’s that shopping cart gonna go?) anyway I got your website in my search results and decided to click on it. I was amazed at how detailed you were and how much shit you too had been through. Your honesty in things and in showing your weakness, the drain, pure exhaustion, but strenght in the end to make it a thing of the past.
    So thank you Carrie very much. And thank you to everyone who shares their stories here. It does help believe me! It gives strenght when a person needs a friend to help them sort through the crazy life they live.
    I’ll keep you posted. I love this web site so much. Good luck to all. We can do it. Bullies are stupid to mess with us!!!!

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    1. miss kitty

      Oh and this goes to show my mind doesn’t stay focused too long (searching for tail light-found this site instead) on any subject unless it’s so helpful n something I need right now. Anyone else got that problem?

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  4. miss kitty

    Well don’t they have a way of making you look like you’re a nut case? It’s funny because his last girlfriend everyone said was a whack job but she wasn’t. She was just abused and played. He would disable her car. She would come looking for that Now that I look back I see their relationship was a lot like ours. Why couldn’t he just keep me as a friend he sees occasionally? I want nothing serious! I told him thst too. He is the one who pushed the serious stuff and he pushed n pushed n pushed and I finally gave in. He was so charming and I totally fell for his crap CUZ I just wanted someone on my side at the time . I had a warehouse and I was buying storages and selling what was inside them. My husband at the time never came over to help me with any of the lifting and moving furniture around. My husband was a workaholic and a snob making big bucks and I was just little humble me. I was way easy going. Anyway my husband and I didn’t have a marriage at all for a few years. I was just a sucker easy target…. You just had to be persistent with me and focus on my needs is all. and I was living in my warehouse because people were breaking in to steal my stuff. It was a nightmare. So my N would come keep me company and draw me a bubble bath in a large tote and wheel it in with tons of candles around it. and set heater next to it. And I would relax and veg. He is twenty years younger than I am and it made no difference back then. But now it does. I’m 55 now and I don’t WaNt to compete with anyone over him. I’ve been there n done all that already. Not what I want to do. I don’t play like that.
    I thought it funny and very true about how sex wise these guys are all the same. They get there’s n we get good at beginning but then it’s just sex. My N loves getting blow jobs and to be honest I like doing that but on a guy I love and get this, RESPECT!!! But he doesn’t give oral back. It’s all about him when he wants it.
    My N thinks he is a porn star! He really does! It’s sad.
    Anyway I have to go to bed. I’ll check in tomorrow. Thanks everyone for all your comments. I appreciate everyone of you.

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  5. Jenny

    Thank you so much for responding to my email…… It gives me strength … Thank you.
    He still after years of divorce ( before he met me) had a strange relationship with his ex wife. She asked me once why I followed her husband everywhere he went? I responded I live with him and he is no longer your husband! His response was to phone her to apologise and then throw me out into the night with all my belongings!!! I could not believe it. He said he wasn’t having his teenage son , who lived with the ex,upset….so I had to go … Immediately! My friend rescued me from a bittely cold night -2….
    He constantly had side relationships…. And once confessed ( but quickly said he’d made it up) that an affair I had been suspicious about had happened and that is why the woman left his work place rapidly (this was a fact) because her husband has found out . As he said …” One of us had to leave and it wasn’t going to be me”! He withdrew this confession … Saying I was gullible and would believe anything… But they were flirting and emailing in appropriately ….
    The last year we stopped having sex…. He could not get an erection with me…. This after months of starting to talk about tranny men ( he went to a club unbeknown to me) and anal sex … And weirder than weird fantastys and staring to cross dress … Buying himself lingerie … Going out to work with stockings and suspenders under his trousers to work !!!!! Sending me photos from work bathroom with his trousers pulled down exposing the silk knickers etc…. Getting erections at work…. Unreal…. He was getting worse… I refused to use a sextoy to penetrate him…. And not because I’m a prude… But because I knew that was all he wanted me for at This point! A normal sex life had gone…. He madturbated at night and text me photos of himself ! So when the end came I was relieved…. I don’t know if he was seeing someone else… I think not…. But I believe he was so much into the anal thing he may have gone to do that…. He could not get an erection or have normal sex with me…. This went on for months…. Getting worse….. He begged me near the end to do this for him… Glad I refused….

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jenny, you are not the first woman to come in here with a similar story. My ex never got that far but while looking to see if he had posted videos of us having sex I accidentally discovered on his laptop; I found his ad on a xxx porn site saying he was gay and looking for men. I confronted him on it and he said, “So now you think I am gay??!!” I said, “You put the ad in! its your picture. You filled out the info on yourself.” and he stormed out of the room.
      It is just more info proving how sick they are. I don’t care if a person is gay, that is their personal preference but don’t lie and sneak, jeopardize my life by sleeping around and having unprotected sex with me and God knows who. Have you been tested for STD’s? I suggest you do that as soon as possible and get it out of the way and then you will know you don’t have to worry about that and can move forward.
      You are so much better off without him. There is a wonderful life waiting just around the corner for you, keep looking forward, not back. Leave him in your dust, once the black cloud he brought into your life is gone the sunshine can reach you.
      Make 2015 your year to shine and be the best you can be.
      Love and Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. Jenny

        I am doing just that Carrie…. I neither miss not want him in my life… He was an empty dark soul ….. I wake in the morning now and feel free…. I miss the lovely things we used to do…. Meals out. Days out. But there was always a price to pay.. He’d always spoil it one way or another…. I’m walking on the sunny side of the street now… I almost feel ready for a new relationship…. I’m beginning to be interested in men again….we split recently… For good… But in reality it’s been over for a year… We were both hanging on for different reasons… I look forward to the time when I realise I have stopped thinking about him…. He repulses me now….. Makes me shudder…. I allowed him to finally discard me…. Almost orchestrated it really….. I lost interest in him and he knew it! I laughed at his fetishes and told him he was a narc and to get help…. I was cruel ( not my nature) in the end with the things I said in text… Ridiculed him…. Loathed him…. I’m glad I was able to do that …..

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    2. eah2007

      Hi Jenny, I have been following your story and like all of us on this site we are so glad to have come across Carrie who helps us all. My ex also had a thing about tranny men, I discovered this after I asked him to leave for the last time (but I was still not strong enough not to keep in touch after he left) when I discovered porn sites he had been on for trannies and also a dating site for trannies (as well as dating sites for women) where he said he had never done this before! He always made out he was such a macho man but looking back on it now I introduced him to a couple of gay male friends of mine and he was so uncomfortable and hardly spoke to them, I was so embarrassed but they didn’t like him anyway because they said he just brought me down all the time. I think he was afraid that they might realise that he had those tendencies! He liked me to wear tights when we had sex (was going to say making love but it never was) and he would sometimes wear them too which really didn’t do anything for me but I was still in the thought that it was good to please your man in the bedroom, not that it stopped him from cheating on me by going on dating sites and contacting his ex who had put up with him off and on for over 10 years.

      I got in touch with her but that’s another story which I told Carrie about last year, he got back with her again but he must be getting fed up with because after a major fall out we had he hadn’t been in touch with me since August last year and I never thought I would hear from him again but he called me last week asking me to meet up with him saying that he loved and missed me. Thank goodness I am so much stronger now after lots of good advice from Carrie and also seeing a counselor, I said no to his offer and could only think what a nasty horrible man he is who is never going to change. I have to say I also felt sorry for him even after all he put me through but I’m not worried about that because at least I do have the ability to feel emotions, I’m feeling so much better but he never will.

      Please believe me things will get better for all of you lovely people here and as Carrie has said it will make us all stronger for it.

      Love to you all.

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      1. Jenny

        Hello
        It’s interesting to hear these stories….. What rings true is that they are very sick unfeeling nasty beings!
        You are right… We feel … They don’t….. How sad is that? What amazes me tho is how very few people actually know what he is… He is popular and sucks op uh people…. Would do anything for anyone…. But I noticed that it would get him that much needed approval…. Surely some others can see through the falseness tho? He adores his adult children…. They bleed him dry of time and cash…. But I think he allows this because it makes them need him…. I wouldn’t let my children behave the way his does… It isn’t healthy….. His daughter always goes for older men ( father figure) and his two other children treat their partners in a not very nice way…. His ex wife pretends both to him and the children that she had never had a relationship since their divorce ( 14 yrs) … And she too seems needy yet uncaring…. Still calling him her husband all those years later and threatening me ( to beat me up) is scandalous and unbelievable…. They had a sexless marriage…. He ran off with a younger woman eventually …. Then several relationships until I had the misfortune to meet him…. I hope he never contacts me again….. I was shocked to see yours had after several months!!!! I doubt this fool will contact me …..

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  6. Evie

    My narcissist ex and I live in nearly-adjoining small towns, where probably half the populations of each intermingle on a daily basis. And yet my ex and I don’t cross paths, somehow. Nor do I cross paths with his parents or his friends, and only extremely rarely do I cross paths with someone, or a couple, who used to be ‘our’ friends. In all these years I have no idea whether he’s even married, much less who he has dated. It’s healthier this way, for me. Besides, it would be hard for me to keep the smirk off my face if I were introduced to someone he’s in a relationship with, because I know she’d eventually tell on him. After all, I married him young, stayed quiet and left at 49 when the opportunity arose. But what woman who’s been on her own for a while and reached her 40s or her 50s (he’s about 55) would tolerate the personality of a narcissist, except a woman who is completely ignorant.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Evie, Good for you that you got away and stayed no contact, but just because you met him young and left at 49 does not mean that women who get targeted by these guys in their 40 and 50’s are ignorant. I am rather surprised by your judging attitude after being involved with one yourself. A woman in her 40’s or 50’s who has never met a narcissist would have no idea what she was getting into and more than likely has a lot more to lose than a younger woman. A woman in her mid-life is more likely to be swept off her feet and think that she doesn’t have many years left to find a man and think she is the luckiest woman on the earth to have found her soul mate late in life.
      I met my ex when I was 42, I had no desire to meet a man, I was independent and enjoying my life and our eyes met across a crowded bar, he was charming, handsome, treated me like a queen, he was the most sensitive guy I had ever met, we could talk openly and honestly, he never got angry, and he thought I was the most wonderful woman he had ever met. He asked me to never change, he loved me just the way I was. He wanted to take care of me (I never wanted a man to take care of me but when you have never had it and this man who is everything and more than anything you ever wanted in a man tells you he wants to take care of you for life it does sound appealing) I knew I had always been self sufficient and had even been told by men that I was too independent and they didn’t think I needed them. I had always thought that was a good thing, I wasn’t with them because I needed them, I was with them because I loved them. But it stuck in my head and I made the conscious decision to let a man take care of me and spoil me for a change. I could not believe my good fortune to meet the love of my life at that age, at a time when I was truly single for the first time in 18 years because my son had just moved out. I was free to do as I pleased, throw myself into the relationship and enjoy this wonderful man and feeling like a teenager again.
      Little did I know.

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      1. Evie

        I was harsh and I apologize for coming across as ‘judging’. I know where it comes from, though, and I don’t make apologies for what I’ve learned and that I have an opinion on women who ignore their gut instinct, which is always there waving red flags.

        While I genuinely want to believe that women over 50 have a strong enough sense of self to sense a phony and run the other way, that’s not always the case. Yes, there are a lot of different types of phonies and we can’t be equipped to spot them all, it’s impossible. But red flags come in many forms: physical pain, a stressed out stomach or headaches, a nagging feeling we can’t identify, the words of friends or family, and so on. Women who stay are ignoring them. I know because that’s what I did, and I read about other women who are doing it still.

        I’ve had three relationships since I left my husband. The first was cheap and my red flag said toss him to the curb because he’ll always be cheap. I did. Another wanted commitment, but a red flag said he was still looking for the best he could get, like most men this age. I saw the red flag, did a little detective work and, sure enough, he’d made a date with someone else. I kicked him to the curb, too.

        The third presented himself as the opposite of my ex husband, and he did a good job. And he was a chronic liar. He was more of a challenge and it took me a while to GET THE LESSON, but eventually I took heed of the red flags that had been flying since our very first date, and kicked him to the curb, too.

        The ref flags are there, often from the first hour, but surely within days or weeks. We need not spend months and years with these men. But we choose to, telling ourselves that the good outweighs the bad and that what is happening would eventually subside some way, somehow.

        That’s when we cross over into playing the victim role.

        Just like in my marriage.

        If we don’t learn the lesson, we are doomed to repeat it.

        I truly feel, after years of discussing this sort of thing with friends and family, that women see those red flags and ignore them, ignore their gut instinct that something is ‘off’, because we want the good things the relationship offers and we unconsciously weigh the good vs. bad. And often we don’t trust ourselves to know what’s right, we don’t give ourselves credit enough, and men count on that. Yes, we try so hard to make things work, but it’s our very own fault when we ignore the red flags. Trusting our own ‘gut’ is one of the biggest things a woman can do to be successful in relationships of all kinds, but we choose not to.

        I’m harsh because there are ALWAYS red flags. The old saying ‘too good to be true’ is the first one that pops up. If we willingly push it aside because we don’t want to see it, that’s our own fault and that’s why I will have a smirk on my face if ever I meet a woman who has hit 50 or so who is with my ex, and who just stands quietly while he talks about himself for twenty minutes and forgets she’s standing there. I will know that she has a long lesson ahead of her because the flags are there and she’s CHOSEN to ignore them. Any woman who puts up with the first ‘uh oh’ in the relationship and keeps ignoring them for years, has no excuse for what she experiences.

        Yes, harsh lessons, but women NEED to be tougher with each other on this subject!

        If my friends and family had whacked me upside the head during my marriage, or my next bad relationship, I’d have tried to understand and maybe that would have gotten me out of a couple of messes a lot sooner.

        The victim role doesn’t get a woman anywhere, the old ostrich with her head in the sand way of coping. From that first flag, we have what we need to know to say a big loud ‘Goodbye’ to these guys, but we choose not to and can’t blame anyone when, as a result, we deal with weeks or months or years of their behavior. If a woman can’t admit by her 50s that her gut told her she needed to be independent of a Narcissist, then she is doomed to repeat the lesson until she ‘gets’ it.

        If a friend or family member is with a creep, I’m going to point out the red flag the minute I see it. It’s okay to be harsh and to verbalize what we know; to be someone to tell it like it is, and to lean on when a friend complains that a man was so charming that she didn’t know how to escape. Does she ever watch TV? Movies? Does she read? Does she interact with other women? Does she know right from wrong? Yes.

        She knows, deep down, that a man beating down her self esteem isn’t an excuse to stay. That’s one of the reasons we are ashamed of how we’re treated. It’s not because we feel he’s right in his criticism of us, and that others will see this. No, it’s that we KNOW we’re stupid to put up with this and we’re afraid others are seeing THAT.

        If he hasn’t got a woman tied to a chair, she can leave. We know that and the world knows that. We tell ourselves that our genuine love is an excuse to allow ourselves to play the victim. It’s not. It took me a very long time to learn that lesson. Being a victim is a waste of a life and that I deserve better. Once a woman gives herself permission to be pissed off about how she’s treated, she finds her power.

        I’m now an expert flag-spotter and I listen to my gut, AND act on it. If my ex and a current wife or girlfriend are standing in front of me and he treats her in a way that sends up a red flag, I’m going to call bullshit. I am not afraid to tell another woman, hey, I know you heard how he just spoke to you. I know you felt bad when he just did that to you. Woman up and walk away, because other people know you are ignoring it and staying anyway!

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        1. Tracy Wills

          Thank you, I have been enlightened!! I have just parted with a newly discovered narcissist, after 2 years. In the beginning he was lovely, a real softie, but he started to change, was so jealous and would fly into rages over an innocent episode involving another man. He would accuse me of all sorts, text me horrible messages, that I’m bi-polar, schizophrenic bitch, etc etc. Each episode, he got worse in nastiness. He threatened if I met anyone what he would do to them. I have been apart from him now for over a month, and hopefully I am now strong enough to stay that way, Thank you :-)

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          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Tracy, good for you to break away from him. Come here often for support and stay no contact no matter what. Do not give him a crack to get to you through. They are so good at instilling self doubt and guilt it takes a hard hearted hannah to stay strong when they start laying it on thick.
            You are welcome, and let me know how you are doing.

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        2. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Again I can’t believe your judging tone and have to say something. I for one did not have any red flags for almost the first year. In hindsight YES!! but with the knowledge I had at the time, with the stuff that was going on in my life that distracted me I did not see the flags. Yes maybe my gut was telling me something was off, but I couldn’t see it with my own eyes and told myself that I was just unused to being treated so well or allowing a man to take care of me.
          Women stay for many reasons and to say they should just “up and leave” is not only short sighted it is putting their lives in danger. You are NOT an expert on abusive relationships, maybe you left because the circumstances allowed for you to leave, other women might not have the opportunity, other’s may fear for their lives or have children and no where to go.
          In hindsight I can see everything so clearly, but at the time the last thing I suspected was that he was tampering with my vehicle, I thought he was rescuing me. Who would do something like that? a narcissist, I had never even heard of a narcissist prior to leaving my ex. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. Who injures himself on purpose for sympathy? a narcissist does.
          Oh I can see where I should have left 6 months into the relationship but I am not going to beat myself up because I didn’t. If I saw those same signs now, I would run to the highest hill and never look back but it is still hard to believe a person would do the things my ex did. Once he started sabotaging my truck, and was unable to get to work and lost my job I was dependent on him. When things got bad and I planned on leaving him I couldn’t leave right away, I wanted to get a job and some money saved so I had a safety net to start over with. I know now that it was never going to happen but at the time I simply didn’t want to go on welfare and thought I could wait and leave with something.
          I went back many times for many different reasons, now I know it was stupid of me but at the time I had good reasons for going back. We all learn from our mistakes I hope.
          Blaming the victim for their own abuse is hardly supportive or going to encourage them to leave, if anything they will cling to the narcissist even more because no one understands and everyone blames them anyway.
          Don’t ever volunteer for a transition house or other domestic abuse support group, you will have victim’s killing themselves and going into deep dark depressions.
          A victim needs to know it was not their fault, they heard that enough from the narc. With time, they will learn where they made mistakes and I talk about it plenty in this blog. Learning to listen to your gut, and other red flags, there is a time and place to face where you may have been at fault for your own hurt but not while you are in it or just out of it. 70% of domestic homicide within 2 years of leaving the relationship. Your advice could cost someone their life.
          Maybe your narc was not as cunning and covert, maybe you got lucky and I caution you to judge others too harshly God tends to challenge people who are too cocky or feel superior to others.
          Yes, I agree whole heartedly that victims need to do an honest self assessment in order to find their worth and to know their value but your attitude is simplistic and the kind of attitude that keeps women in these kinds of relationships and forces them the keep it a secret for fear of judgement from others.

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          1. Mary M. Langner

            All relationships are different. It would seem that the expression “Walk a mile in my shoes” applies here. Would you blame a victim of breast cancer for the cancer? I do believe that everything happens for a reason, whether it be a teachable moment or not. I did not truly understand about narcissism until age 65. Through channels like this forum and self education, I have learned to run the other way, now. If this dreadful relationship had happened at an earlier age, I too would probably be a little more bitter than I am at the present time.

            I did realize that more pregnant women were killed by their significant others than any other reason. I did not realize that 70 per cent of domestic homicide happened within two years of leaving the relationship. Thanks to this forum, all the locks in my home will be changed next week.

            I was hit once and realized the narcissist was getting to the point where he was going to go ballistic again. They are all text book and cannot be changed and will never heal. He had returned his set of keys to my home and, after all, he wouldn’t hurt me if we had broken up and he was seeing other people and there was NO CONTACT. Apparently I am wrong here! Thank you Carrie! Locks will be changed next week!

            The last thing that a victim in a narcissist relationship needs is judgment from others telling us we should have known better. The narcissist waits in the shadows when we are our weakest. They are experts on worming their way into our lives for their benefit. God sent me new friends to pray with. I have never prayed with anyone in my life and we are all from different religions. Just like this forum, saved again. Keep going, keep loving, keep educating, keep up the great work. Carry on. NO CONTACT!

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            1. Carrie Reimer Post author

              Thank you Mary! Good on ya to change the locks. You may never know if it saved your life but better safe than sorry. There is a woman in a nearby town that comes to mind. in the wee hours of the morning her ex came in the house, set the house on fire and then went up to the bedroom to kill her. The young daughter woke up, smelled the smoke and went to tell her mom the house was on fire only to walk in on her dad trying to stab her mom to death. She attacked her dad and the somehow the mom, daughter and a younger little boy managed to stagger down the road to a neighbors and safety.
              It was sheer luck they all got out.
              Thank you so much Mary. Hearing I have helped someone makes it all worth while and keeps me determined to keep spreading the word.

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            2. Evie

              Mary, you write ‘It would seem that the expression “Walk a mile in my shoes” applies here. Would you blame a victim of breast cancer for the cancer?’

              Bad analogy.

              I’ve had breast cancer and now my best friend is fighting it. I fail to see any connection between a woman who develops breast cancer, and a woman who is in a relationship with a narcissist.

              No one has noticed, but the women I’ve ‘judged’ are the ones who see the flags and ignore them and stay, not the women who take action. A lot of women contradict themselves, commenting on how very long they were abused, while on the other hand explaining why they were so vulnerable and thought they needed the man, and thus tolerated him for so long. A woman doesn’t have to know what a narcissist is, to know something’s wrong in her relationship. A woman doesn’t need an understanding of personality disorders, to know it hurts when she’s being controlled, or being smacked. And if her friend or a family member says this guy is awful, but she argues why she can’t take control back, well that’s when I get angry. When we make excuses for women who feel vulnerable but stay with a man anyway, we are reinforcing that they are not in charge of their own life, and reinforce a victim mentality.

              A woman with breast cancer can’t walk out the door and leave it behind. If women fought against relationships with narcissistic men, as hard as women like my friend and I and thousands of others have fought our battles against breast cancer, these relationships with awful men wouldn’t go on for so long!

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              1. Carrie Reimer Post author

                Evie, I have to jump in here again, I agree maybe breast cancer is not a great analogy and I am sorry you have battled it, I have a friend battling it right now also and no it is not the same as what a woman goes through with a narcissist. But the rest of Mary’s comment was great.

                I can’t help but take offense to your comment and thank God that not everyone has your opinion, it is the stance and opinion that has driven women into silence for generations. it is shaming the victim and blaming the victim.

                An abused woman can’t “just walk out the door” either. And you do not know how hard I or any other woman fought against the abuse from a narcissist.

                “No one has noticed, but the women I’ve ‘judged’ are the ones who see the flags and ignore them and stay, not the women who take action. A lot of women contradict themselves, commenting on how very long they were abused, while on the other hand explaining why they were so vulnerable and thought they needed the man, and thus tolerated him for so long”

                That is such a judgemental statement I have a hard time responding civilly. I spent 10 years with the narcissist, I never “needed” “a” man, I was in love with a very specific man who systematically and subtly destroyed my self esteem, my business and means of supporting myself, I did not have a mother to help me because she had an attitude like you, (which btw she has changed because she was open to learning about how abuse affect the victim and how my upbringing affected my reaction and all the other factors)
                It seems to me you will have an answer to everything I say, that a woman should be self sufficient and it would never happen to you because you would not tolerate it and run at the first red flag. Well bravo for you!! And do you think judging any woman who doesn’t leave immediately is helping the cause to end domestic abuse? YOU are belittling and blaming women, not supporting them. There would not be domestic abuse at all if all women could read the red flags and run immediately now would there?

                “A woman doesn’t have to know what a narcissist is, to know something’s wrong in her relationship. A woman doesn’t need an understanding of personality disorders, to know it hurts when she’s being controlled, or being smacked. And if her friend or a family member says this guy is awful, but she argues why she can’t take control back, well that’s when I get angry”

                When another woman refuses to understand the damage done by emotional and mental abuse and gets angry at the victims THAT is when I get angry!!

                “When we make excuses for women who feel vulnerable but stay with a man anyway, we are reinforcing that they are not in charge of their own life, and reinforce a victim mentality”

                NO we are not reinforcing the victim mentality, YOU are, you make them a victim all over again. They leave and you say, why didn’t you leave earlier? what is wrong with you? I would never have stayed. It’s your own fault you were abused. THAT attitude is helpful or productive??? NO it is not.

                You may not be able to understand because you have not walked in the shoes of the women who spent years with a narcissist but that does not give you the right to pass judgement.

                I used to also, so I can’t say too much to you about you judging others. But I never in a million years thought I would stay with a man who abused me. I thought if a man ever hit me I would be gone so fast his head would be spinning. And I certainly never thought I would ever be dependent on a man either.

                All I have to say is “Never say Never because it could bite you in the ass.”

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                1. Evie

                  I spent 21 years married to a Narcissist, from age 28 to age 49, so I have walked a mile in those moccasins. And when I left, a redneck Judge gave 85% of everything I’d worked for in my life, to the ex, and I got no support, either, so I have struggled financially beyond reason.

                  I feel good, though, because I have a lot of amazing friends now, both men and women, and I’ve grown into someone I like, someone who learned from the past, someone with eyes wide open.

                  Like most women who spend too much of their lives with a man with a personality disorder, I was in that odd state of both denial that I needed to leave someone I loved, AND full awareness that he was an asshole. We sway back and forth in that limbo. Codependency is a bitch to admit to. It’s one of the reasons we don’t ask for help.

                  I’m not the reason women don’t ask for help.

                  Dealing with women who’ve been through any kind of bad life requires both compassion and a no-excuses toughness. I’ve never met a good and beloved (by her clients) female counselor who didn’t have both a big hug at the ready, and a huge spotlight to shine in the face of reality when a woman didn’t want to go down that road where they have to take some responsibility.

                  I’ve worked with some of the most amazing counselors … and some of the most amazing men and women who most of my friends and family would have found it very uncomfortable to sit in the same room with.

                  When was the last time you shared chocolate milk and donuts at 1 AM with a confessed burglar and counterfeiter who was really great at telling jokes? Or the last time you spent hours with a young woman whose brother has just committed suicide?

                  Sometimes the best teacher at the moment is the counselor, sometimes it’s the client.

                  I have learned the most from the most unforgettable clients. The most damaged, the most dangerous, the most sincere, the most hurt, the most vulnerable. All the amazing ones were the no excuses, no bullshit types. Sometimes they were strong, sometimes weak, but they gave each other and the counselors and themselves, constant reality checks. I found that people who’ve suffered the most, are the quickest to call each other, and others outside that world, on their crap.

                  Everyone learned from everyone else.

                  You can’t work for long with people with alcohol and/or drug addiction, long criminal records, a history of childhood abuse, or abuse by a spouse, mental illness, jail, victims of crime, and not learn something, unless you are a moron. Only counselors with the right blend of compassion and who created a bullshit-free zone, were respected. (All of whom have a lot in common with my own brother.)

                  I’ve searched a cutter’s room on more than one occasion, for a razor blade, bandaged her wrists and hugged her in the ER ’til 2 AM. I’ve pushed my clients into their rooms and stood in a hallway with a 6′ 5″, 300 lb. schizophrenic who suddenly thought there were enemies all around him and that he had to take action.

                  I’ve sat on the floor of the office with my arms around a woman who was crying because the Christmas gifts she bought for her child, who she’s rarely allowed visits with, were stolen. This is a woman who had a jail record and abuse issues, and who had stood up in court to face a stranger who had abducted her, taken her to a remote area and raped her, before she escaped. I shut the door of the same office evening after evening when she wanted to show me how she was coming along, learning a song to sing at a friend’s wedding. And I loaned her clothes when she dressed up for a job interview and proudly modeled them saying “Look at me. I look like a business woman!” (She got the job and I was the first person she told.)

                  I have sat at midnight with a new check-in, a twenty-something, homeless man dressed like a Satanist & sporting numerous piercings and tattoos. I had to go through his bags. I pulled out drugs, brass knuckles, pocket knives and tarot cards, trying to make sure I didn’t get stuck by a needle. I took his vitals and struck up a conversation and, in time, we found common ground, a sort of kindred spirit between us that we both recognized. I recall the exact moment when his tough demeanor melted and he gave me a beautiful smile, his eyes changed, and he said ‘You don’t scare easily. Others are always scared of me and make someone else do this. You’re pretty cool.’ We had a good laugh, and the rapport lasted the length of his stay. He was awesome.

                  I’ve helped female clients sneak food we’d cooked, to a woman sleeping down the block in a doorway.

                  I’ve walked up the sidewalk on my way to work on a day when I felt so sad about the past, about ‘Mr. Narcissist’, and ended up feeling happy and laughing out loud, because a group of clients standing outside started singing to me, happy to see me, happy that it was time for my shift.

                  I have years of stories, years of people who enriched me, who I’ll never forget and who I thank God I had the privilege of knowing.

                  The nature of my job was to see people at the lowest points in their lives, and I was privileged to be there to see, and be a part of, that no-bullshit, yet loving, environment that nurtured them. And to learn from them, more than I could ever give back.

                  I have been in a public place and literally pulled from my vehicle by someone throwing her arms around me, saying ‘You believed in me.’ This was the same woman who, a year earlier, on the first evening we spent together sizing each other up in the live-in counseling facility where I worked, told others she was going to beat me up because she didn’t like my attitude.

                  One of the other counselors told the head of the organization that he’d been working there since the place was founded, and he’d never known anyone with such strong intuition about people and situations, or who could relate to the clients, or knew how to handle emergency situations, like I did. And it got back to me that he’d told a group of the clients ‘Don’t underestimate her. She looks all soft but she knows exactly what’s going on and she’ll kick your ass.”

                  One 26 yr. old woman who had addiction problems and was a cutter, and who had lost 2 family members to suicide, used to come into the office in the evenings and spread our her craft items on the desk, to sit and silently make scrapbooks with pictures of her little daughter. I asked her once, did she come in because she was lonely. She said no, that she just liked to be where I was. Adding ‘You’re interesting. I like to watch how you move around the office and hear how you interact with the other clients who come in”. How funny. I loved her unusual ways. And she made me feel interesting and valuable and mom-like.

                  A skater boy of about 19, who had lost both his parents at age 8, and had been raised by his grandmother, suffered from addiction and was in and out of jail. Whenever he would hurt himself on his skateboard he would come into the office howling that he needed me to patch him up. One day I had to put on his scrape some stinging antibiotic. He howled again, then stared at me. “I wish you were my mom” he said.

                  It ripped out my heart. I wished I was his mom, too.

                  Do you really want to talk about who is judging? Do you really think I haven’t got a clue or the right experience with people, to understand women who’ve lived too long with a Narcissist?

                  I’ve stood next to a very damaged woman, during visit by her mother–and her stepdad who had a habit, in the past, of calling her a “stupid whore”– and watched her beam with pride when I informed them how much we all loved her and what a smart and tenacious person she is in her recovery.

                  I’m like everyone else on WordPress, writing my own opinions. You don’t have to speak civilly, it’s just a blog. And anyone who thinks they are ‘victimized’ and ‘abused’ by whatever opinion another person writes on WordPress, needs to hit ‘delete’, and stop taking the internet so seriously.

                  You don’t have to like me. You can have any opinion of me you want. I know that my relationships have been valuable to me, and to the people I’ve shared the deepest parts of myself with, in hard times.

                  This here? This is nothing. You feel victimized and abused by what I wrote? This is the internet. Anyone who feels victimized and abused by words on the internet, needs to re-evaluate. Maybe go sit on a curb and listen to someone’s story.

                  Why did I type so much? I felt self-indulgent. I like to remember my days at the recovery center. It helps me to remember some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known, who I watched scrape their knees and get back on the damned skateboard. It makes me feel blessed, and helps me to center myself when life is scary. And since I am not making enough money at my current job to afford another decent place to live, and since I just got notice that my landlord is selling the house in which I have had an apartment –and made a real home of–since the day I left my Narcissistic spouse and moved out with nothing but the clothes on my back…well, life is a little scary. Again. But it’s not a lemon that I can’t make into lemonade.

                  I hope you enjoy your life. Every woman deserves to be fulfilled.

                  Like

  7. eah2007

    Hi Carrie….I know you are very busy at the moment with your funding package and having to find another home infact I don’t know how you find the time to dedicate to all of us. The last time I sent you a message here was in January and I had been seeing a counsellor and felt so much stronger for it, even managed to say no to my ex N after he called me asking to meet up at his house for a drink. He left it for a few months and tried again but I said no, unfortunately I did talk to him for quite some time on the phone and I we did talk about a lot of things that were left unsaid, when I came off the phone I didn’t feel anything at the time apart from the fact that I knew he was still an asshole and things were obviously going wrong again with the o/w he got back with when he moved on from me.

    He called me again just talking about his family and things in general and it all came flooding back to me the things I missed so much about him, I kept thinking about him after that (well to be honest I never really stopped thinking about him but I wasn’t feeling the pain so much) and again I did the most stupid thing I txt him and asked if I could come and visit him. Of course he said yes and off I toddled to his house wine in hand, we talked a lot he even called his mum to say I was at his house and how much he cared for me and he knew she would be happy because she also loved me. I did take it all with a pinch of salt especially now I had more insight as too how a narcissist works, I stayed the night as I had intended to before I even went to see him and all I could think of was what the hell am I doing I know he’ll never change. When I left the next day I tried to be casual about it and seem as if I only wanted a bit of fun but I so wished that he had changed and was madly in love with me and wanted to make me happy.

    Anyway the answer to that is no he still the same arsehole and on dating sites etc looking for a new victim, I just can’t stop myself from wanting to be with him even when I know it would never ever work out between us. Oh Carrie I’m just so tired of being on this roller coaster of mixed emotions and can’t see myself ever recovering from this person who treats me so badly, sorry I should really say this person I let treat me badly.

    I don’t know what advise I expect you to give me now because I’ve read all your stories and other peoples but I still go back for more!

    x

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      eah2007, It all goes back to “no contact”. I have been where you are many times. I would leave and get stronger, then he would call and we would have a nice conversation, he would be so sweet and “not want to bother me, or push me, he just really missed me”, I would feel like I was in control of my emotions, I would know he was a lying arse and get off the phone still feeling quite strong but I would be thinking about him again (not like i had stopped but I would have been dealing with it and not crying all the time) then he would wait a while and call again and again we would have a good conversation, and laugh just like the “old days”, we would reminisce about this time or that time and I would get off the phone with the warm fuzzies. I would tell myself I was strong, he hadn’t changed, I didn’t need him, but the seed was planted and before long we would be in bed somehow, either I would call him to ask advice about something or he would be sick, one of us would come up with a really good reason to see each other.
      It’s the dance of the devil. He makes his next move and we follow his lead. He has studied us and knows exactly what to say or do to get the desired reaction. They play us like a fiddle and we give him what he wants even when we know deep down he hasn’t changed. He says all the right things, does all the right things (for a while) and we remember those days when we started dating and here we go again!!!
      It’s a long time ago now, I already had the blog, about a year after we split and he showed up where I did business, he was still with the new woman and I thought there was trouble in paradise and he made it sound like she was not near as accommodating as me, she wasn’t as flexible and he would apologize for not treating me well when he had the chance. I heard the same story 3 different times, almost word for word. I knew it was all bullshit and he didn’t even have the courtesy to change the lines he was using. But I found myself thinking about him more again. I would find reasons to contact him (just as friends of course, or I would tell myself I deserved to ask a favor of him, I even let him work on my truck because he wanted to “help” me. after he had sabotaged it so many times in the past) and he sabotaged it AGAIN!! I mean you are talking to the slowest damned learner on the planet!! I finally checked his facebook and he had gotten engaged a week before he showed up at my work place. It was then that I finally FINALLY cut him off completely and emailed his new woman a 14 page email and cc’d him and laid it all out. As I suspected she must have lost it and demand to know what was going on and at that point he wrote me a letter telling I had to let it go and he would never be there for me again.

      That was the last “words” we had I even changed where I did business to avoid him. That was 3 years ago. I am telling you this so you know you are not unusually weak or any more a sucker than I was. You have to get so sick of the roller coaster that you don’t get on the ride. It is that difficult and that simple. Any contact is deadly and sure to set you back. It is like any injury, if you break your leg, it hurts like hell when you first break it but over time it hurts less and less but if you take the cast off too soon and try walking on it you are going to reinjure it, possibly break it again and have to start healing all over again.

      You don’t have to ride the roller coaster, you can get off it. You are the only one now who can stop him from hurting you. He will keep showing up, popping in and out of your life just to see if he can, whenever he is bored and needs an ego boost; for the rest of your life if you let him. James would go years without talking to some of his ex’s and then out of the blue call one of them. I didn’t think too much of it at the time because I have always kept in contact with exs as friends and had exs call me just to say hi. But after we split and I found his journal I read about what he was saying to them and he was leading them on just to see if he could, he was playing with them for the fun of it. So I knew why he was contacting me and I refused to be “just like all the other exs he had” I found some pride somewhere deep inside. You have to find some morsel of self respect and dignity to not answer his calls.The past 3 years I have not answered the phone if I don’t know the number, to this day, I figure if it is important they will leave a message but I still do not want to take the chance of picking up the phone and it is him.

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      1. Mary Langner

        This is great Carrie! You hit all the points I wanted to say but felt so sorry for her and realized it can happen to anyone. Great response! Keep up the great work and hug your dog for me!

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      2. eah2007

        Oh Carrie you are some woman, sent my message to you last night and had a reply waiting for me this morning. I was on my way to work and thought I would check my emails first and I’m so glad I did because as usual you made everything seem so much clearer, that’s the strange thing though one minute I am so down and in despair then after reading all the things you told me I perk up again. Not because it’s nice to hear all the pain you have gone through but because it gives me a kick up the arse to have a good talking to myself again!

        The night I stayed with him he got talking to me about me seeing a counsellor and said they were a lot of rubbish as he’d been to one a long time ago (think he was referred to one because of his anger issues) anyway he said ‘you’re not seeing her just because of me because you had a lot of issues before I met you’, I then found myself agreeing with him because it was true but he certainly didn’t help any. After giving it some thought and trying to analyse things that were said I thought oh my god if I thought I was remotely to blame for anyone in my life having to speak to a counsellor about me I would be so ashamed of myself but not him he just wanted to put the blame all back on me again.

        I think one of my major problems with him and which doesn’t help me to move on is that I just can’t believe a person can be so nasty especially when they also have the ability to be so loving (even when I now know it’s just false).

        Oh well Carrie onwards and upwards hopefully this was just a wee blip at a time I was feeling vulnerable, thank you for your help. I hope you find a lovely home to move into and all works out with your projects.

        Love Elaine x

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        1. Julie Minshull

          Elaine This is what they do… You are right, I too would Be mortified and ashamed if I had caused this to happen to anyone… Typical narc to twist and blame! How dare they… I took a whine toocebon from my ex… And I’ve now met someone else. The polar opposite of the monster. I’ve actually fallen for this new man.. He is incredibly kind and loving… The difference is stark… I’d ignored all the warning signs with the narc…. There are none with the new man.. I recommend going out with someone new…. Move on Elaine and leave the wicked one behind… You deserve happiness… We only get one life….. Wishing you love and happiness… Julie Sent from Yahoo Ma

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        2. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Elaine, that is typical for the victim while they are recovering from a narc. Read something and think <"Finally something that made sense and makes me feel better" and they are feeling so much better for a few hours at best, or a day maybe and then the self doubt starts to creep in again. I used to read the same article over and over if it resonated with me, I guess it is kinda like reverse brain washing. Replacing the bull shit he fed you with facts. You have to read it several times to counteract the stuff he was constantly feeding into your brain even when you didn't realize it.
          With time the new knowledge will take the place of the lies he told you about yourself. Hang in there, it is all part of the process and you are doing good.
          You CAN do this!!

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  8. eah2007

    Hi Carrie thanks for your reply and sorry to keep bothering you all the time with my tales of woe but you are the only person I can talk to about him anymore as my friends don’t know he’s been in touch with me again and I don’t want to tell them what’s been happening. I haven’t seen him since the last time I stayed at his about the end of Feb but he has called me a few times and I called him back, I thought things were over between him and the o/w but have just discovered they are still together. Sounds as if it’s on her terms though which is probably why he’s still hanging on in there as she’s not handing it to him on a plate, unlike me!

    I spoke to him during the week and a friend of his sister died and he sounded quite upset (if that’s possible) he asked what I was doing at the weekend as he wanted to come and see me, I said why don’t you come up for your tea on Friday (just past) and he was going to call me but when I hadn’t heard from him by Thursday I called him but he told me the funeral was on Saturday morning so he wouldn’t be coming. Well I could hardly be annoyed at him for going to a funeral, I have since discovered though that the o/w came up and went with him.

    Everything I read about narcissists and stories on your site tells me that he definitely is one but I still doubt myself and think I may have him wrong, I don’t feel the pain as much as I did but still can’t let go of the anger I feel every time I let my guard down only to find out he just doesn’t give a shit about me after all.

    I have never had such a toxic soul destroying relationship with anyone as I have with him but still cling on in the hope that we will get back together and everything will be alright, at the moment I just feel like slapping him and I’m not a violent person.

    Thank god I didn’t tell the o/w about me staying with him a few weeks back like I did when I was in a more neurotic state last year, although he did tell me not to contact her again as I did before because she never meant me any harm and her mother isn’t well so she doesn’t need the hassle!!! So considerate of him when we know the truth is it’s him that doesn’t need the hassle of her finding out ‘again’.

    Oh dear is that my jealous bitchy side coming out again, poor woman is probably going through exactly what I’m going through and trying to give him up too.

    Will I ever forget about him and move on, I can honestly say at the moment it really doesn’t seem as if I ever will.

    x

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      eah2007, I am going to sound like a broken record here but; you will not forget him as long as you keep seeing and talking to him. Plain and simple I can not say it any clearer than that. No one said it will be easy, it will be struggle but if you want to move on with your life you have to cut him out of your life. Really, what he is doing with the next woman is none of your business and I mean that with concern for you in mind; it does you no good to know about his new relationship. Why is it a good thing you didn’t tell the woman about you staying? Not that you should be talking to her at all but why are you glad you didn’t and why do you feel bad for wanting to hit him? that is normal, you aren’t doing it, then it would be a problem.
      Anything he tells you is a lie; just start assuming that, nothing that comes out of his mouth is the truth, it may have a morsel of truth to it but he has altered it to suit his needs. You can believe that he is a pathological liar. Of course he is going to tell you to not talk to the other woman. James did the same thing, when I got into his POF and emailed all his women and when I emailed the woman in Africa, he was so disappointed in ME, he thought I was better than that. better than what? better than being pissed that he lied and cheated on me. If I was better than that I would have left his sorry ass right then and there.
      You would not be feeling jealousy or anger right now if you didn’t know what he was doing.

      When I started hearing about the other woman good or bad I realized I had to go no contact; what the hell was I doing? why on earth did I want to subject myself to that kind of torture? Are you sick of hurting yet? then stop doing it.

      When you are tempted to contact him, reply to emails, or answer the phone ask yourself “Why am I setting myself up to be hurt again?” I am guessing that being hurt by him has become your comfy place, it shows you that he still cares enough to hurt and lie to you. You are so accustomed to trying to figure out what he is up to you are hooked on it. you don’t know what else to do with yourself. Get a hobby. I mean it. I don’t mean to be cruel, I honestly don’t because I have been there and I am not saying anything to you that wasn’t said to me and I didn’t say to myself. You have total control over whether he hurts you any more. You WERE a victim, now you are choosing to remain a victim.
      go no contact
      Hugs

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  9. eah2007

    Again Carrie you are totally right especially this part . . . ‘You are so accustomed to trying to figure out what he is up to you are hooked on it. you don’t know what else to do with yourself’ ….. this is spot on and when I find out things from snooping (in various ways!) I just get myself into a state all over again. I want to stop because I make myself ill when I find things out …dating sites etc. ….and feel so anxious when I do this because of course I know it’s wrong. I’ve never told anyone this before!

    x

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  10. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Evie, that was a very long reply and very defensive. I did not criticize your character or ask for a resume of all your good deeds. I too have dealt with my fair share of drug addicts, over dosers, cutters, and homeless people. That is not what I was talking about.

    I was talking about not calling women who stayed in an abusive relationship stupid. It is especially shocking to me considering the experience you have.

    You are entitled to your opinion by all means. Start your own blog and you can say anything you like and people will have the option of not clicking on your site. But as long as you are commenting on my site I will respond to your comment with how I feel. To leave a comment up on MY blog that I don’t agree with is in essence saying I agree and I don’t. THAT is my prerogative. So people might need and like your “in your face” approach but I don’t, and I don’t think most of my readers would. They have every right to respond in agreement if they choose.

    I don’t have to go sit on the curb and pout, the internet is very real with very real people who have been helped by me and have benefitted from my approach to the issue of domestic abuse. i don’t want to argue with you, and like I said, you are a free agent and a wordpress blog is free (unless you pay for your domaine like I do) but you can start up a blog any old day in a few minutes.

    Make sure to come back and give us the link to your site.
    Good luck

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  11. PrtyGirl

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, ex boyfriend now, for 15 months and we discussed marriage. We went on a went on a One week cruise a couple of weeks ago. He actually begged me to go because i broke it off with him because i found he was on a dating website. In his profile he wrote *looking for a wife to spend the rest of my life with*. i was so hurt. He begged and pleaded for another chance.

    After returning from the cruise i met his daughter and grandchildren. To make a long story short, i found he is seeing a lady in Atlanta for a month. I told him we were done and i told her she could have him but be careful. He told her he loved her and introduced him to his family a week later. He flew her into NC and told her to look for engagement rings, told her mother he loved her and was going to marry her and take good care of her. I believe she is separated. His mother and i are very close. She told me he said he didnt want anything to do with her but called her begging for a second chance. He aslo called the daughter i just met and told her she has a new mom-ofcourse the new girlfriend was right there during the call. The daughter replied *whatever dad*.

    I do not want to see him. His mother said he will be calling me in 2 or 3 weeks, i cant figure out why. We are a done deal. I have to admit Im curious as to how this NC to ATL relationship will work after they have only seen each other once and he is so in love. He never has any money. Any advise as to my situation please? I cannot express how painful this is. I was there when he had NOTHING….he just purchased a house so now he is forgetting who was there when he had nothing. I still miss him. Do you think he will reach out to me? Is it possible he loves this other woman with 3 children? I’m so sad it affects me physically. Please help.

    I am doing NC and i have blocked his calls from his cell phone to mine. I have one final question, if I may ask. He asked his mother if I talked to her, and she said yes. He said *she doesn’t call me anymore*. His mother told him she doubts if I will ever call him again. Does he really expect me to call him after being caught red handed? Why?

    Last thing…..At my request, and to my surprise, he returned all of my belongings, well most. When I opened the trunk, I was surprised to see his bath rob in the trunk. I used to wear it and sleep in it all the time. I want to be aware of his devices as this is my first dealing with a narc. Can you explain the bathrobe?. What should I do with it. I’m doing NC. Thanks for any advice from anyone.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      PrtyGrl, he is playing with you and he is working on his mothers sympathies and trying to sound all “woe is me, like he cares.” It is all an act. Everything he does is an act. Who knows why he put the bathrobe in there, he could be his way of making you remember him, he could say he put it in there by mistake or his new girlfriend bought him a new one and you always wore that one and he didn’t feel right wearing it with the new woman. I would throw it away. My best advice I can give you is to stay no contact and that unfortunately means with his mother also. She is going to go between the two of you telling him what you said and you what he said. You don’t need to know what is going on in his life, it will only hurt you and he is going to be working overtime trying to do just that.

      Please read, read and read some more,m there is so much valuable information on the blog about why they do what they do and stories from other women etc it will really help you realize what you are dealing with. No contact means not only do you not call him but you make sure he has no way of contacting you or getting any information on you at all. He will try to slander you and he will make sure to appear so happy with the new woman. He wants you to think the new woman is getting everything he didn’t give you. Don’t believe it, she isn’t getting any thing you didn’t get, they are still in the honeymoon stage is all.

      We all know how painful it is, we all thought we were something special to the N, we all thought we had met our soul mate and we all were devastated when it ended. The pain does get less with time and it helps to read as much as you can about them at first and come here and talk, cry rant whatever you need to do. you got to just take it one minute at a time then one hour at a time and eventually a day at a time
      Know you are not alone.
      hugs

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      1. PrtyGirl

        I thank you for reaching out to me and I thank God for this blog…….yes, the pain is very intense at times, but I REFUSE to reach out to him. The shcoking thing is that he said to someone who knows the situation that “I don’t call him anymore”. is he dellusional? Does he really expect me to call him after being caught red-handed? Is he waiting me out to call or will he call eventually? I just want to be aware of his devices so I can stay a step or two ahead. I have blocked him from my cell phone carrier but after 3 months, I will have to renew the block. Will he call me if he doesn’t hear from me?

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