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Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

Letter to the Next Victim

I want to offer some information so you don’t believe him when he tells you that you are crazy and he has about had it with YOUR theatrics. To find support and to confirm you are not crazy just google Malignant Narcissist, Psychopath; JC is textbook.

I assume you are beginning to doubt JC is everything he professes to be; so much what I am about to tell you should ring true to you, arm you with knowledge of things yet to come and hopefully you will run NOW, and not wait. I didn’t try to warn you because I know how charming he can be in the beginning, you were thinking he was the love of your life and you would never have believed me anyway. I’m sure he has made me sound like a psycho bitch (because that is what he told me about the ones before me) who made his life hell for 10 years. Plus you would have wanted to prove how loyal you were to him after  he had been treated so badly by me.

But by now things aren’t adding up, he has changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it or he is saying you are being too sensitive, you are doubting yourself and your gut instinct. I guarantee you he won’t change,  in fact;  the longer you are with him the weaker you get, the more control he gains and when you have nothing left to give he will leave you without a backwards glance, except to call you a psycho bitch and tell you he has found the love of his life.

Here are a few facts that might help you realize you are just one of many women who have been the “love of his life”. He is incapable of true love, has no conscience, feels entitled to do and take anything he desires without guilt and will blame you for your own pain.

Did you know that he and I had gone for dinner the night before he broke down in your driveway and he had walked me out to my truck and said I love you and kissed me ever so sweetly. Did you know that he was seeing 3 or 4 women at the same time, telling me he loved me and saying, “I don’t know why you get so upset, you know we always end up back together.” The day after we had dinner together the police called me and asked if I knew where my car was. (it was in my name and I was insuring it as a favor to JC, according to his blog he had left your house to meet me so I could insure it for him, all the while leading me to believe he still loved me) The police told me where it was parked with the keys in it. It turns out JC was seeing a married woman and her husband found out and thought by letting me know it would break it up. It did break it up but he went straight to your place. I found out on the blog he had at the time that he was thinking Peggy was going to be the last woman he ever loved.

He had told 6 women in 2 years that he loved them, but he means it with you, right? But that was a long time ago wasn’t it, maybe he was lying to you then, maybe he was lying to many people but your special love has changed him, right? Just because he has never been faithful in his life and he has physically abused every woman he has been with doesn’t mean he will abuse you, right? he just hasn’t had anyone love him like you love him, right? You can go ahead and believe that, I won’t try to change your mind but keep THIS in mind; past behavior predicts future behavior. I am going to do you a favor, give you an advantage I never had. Do with it what you will but you would be wise to not let him know you know. Knowledge is a powerful thing and it would serve you well to file this information.

- Within a month of us moving in together I accidentally found he had joined a dating site while I was at a family function he refused to attend at the last-minute. Of course I was being totally selfish when I got angry. When he realized my bags were packed he turned on the tears and begged me to stay, he made all kinds of empty promises.

- Remember this: If you decide you have had enough of his pathological lying, infidelity, and chronically being fired for stealing and kick him out; he will recite everything he ever did wrong to you, take total blame, give a tearful apology and one week later when you find out he hasn’t done anything to change and remind him of his promises he will look you straight in the eye and say, “I told you what I knew you wanted to hear.” and accuse you of living in the past.

- He has studied mind control, all the tricks on how to get any woman to go to bed with him, and he will look you right in the eye and lie! Even when you catch him red handed he will deny deny deny and then get angry, don’t push him, he will hit you. It’s called narcissistic rage. The worst thing you can do is tell a narcissist he/she is wrong or challenge their lies.

- At first sex was great, we slept wrapped together all night. He even made a point of mentioning how a couple sleep together is an indication of how “connected” they are and he’d never been able to sleep snuggled up all night with anyone like the way we slept. We would make love and he would want to fall asleep while he was still inside me, often waking up several times in the night to do it again. He couldn’t get enough of me; but soon he came to bed later and later, and would make it to bed just in time to get laid before I had to go to work. The last couple of years he was falling asleep anywhere but in bed with me.

- he was an attentive lover at first and every time we broke up, between those times it was all about him, I was taking too long to orgasm, oral sex was reserved for those times he was trying to win me back and in the end he wouldn’t even pull his jeans down and just undo his zipper. I never rejected him, because I loved him with all my heart and I didn’t want to give him any reason to go elsewhere. In 10 years, even when we were split I never so much as kissed another man.

He will eventually treat you with loathing. When I cried and offered to leave because it was obvious he didn’t love me he told me I was being too sensitive and paranoid.

He came to me after about 3 months of no contact, he had moved to Red Deer and I had gone on with my life: and begged me to come back to him, to give him “one last 2nd chance”. He was crying, telling me I was all the woman he would ever want or need, he proposed, he made love to me like never before and made me repeat over and over that I knew he loved me. He apologized for everything he ever did wrong without blaming me for anything. he acknowledged how hard I had worked and how I had put up with more than any woman should have to.He also told me he had been given 6 months to live. I found out over the course of 2 years that when he promised total honesty and faithfulness he was alternating living with two women in Alberta, had only hidden his profile on POF, and still writing a woman in Africa promising to bring her to Canada and marry her.

- He had many ads on many sites, looking for sex, love and any age was fair game.

- One time I counted 102 porn sites saved on the computer.

- Speaking of the internet, he has discovered all the ways to hide his activity on the net, if you are not computer savvy you have no idea the 2nd false life he leads on the net.

- Sounds weird I know, but he injured himself every time I thought I’d had enough and I’d have to take care of him. It happened for years until I casually mentioned what a coincidence it was that every time we had a fight he got injured, then it never happened again.

- Also, every vehicle I had for the 10 yrs I was with him developed a recurring problem that only he could fix or it was stolen. I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years, and numerous, more than I can count; broke down never to run again. That was how he controlled where I went, how much money I had and whether I could leave him or not. It is after all, all about control, him controlling you. You will not control him in any way.

With my last truck alone it was a constant string of truck repairs. JC drove my truck until the last torque converter melted and destroyed the new tranny, why would a mechanic do something like that? I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t dealing with a normal person, there is no way of knowing why he does the things he does.

Just some of the issues with my truck:

1. He borrowed my truck to go get Tim Horton’s one night. While he was at Tim Horton’s some guys dropped off a car at Ralph’s across the street,he says the guys told him to help himself to the battery, rad etc out of it. So he did. The cops having coffee in Timmy’s of course checked out what he was doing and checked out my truck. They wrote him up for a bald tire and a broken wooden sideboard and gave him an inspection order; that he never told me about. Four months later I am driving through Surrey at 11 at night and get pulled over in a routine check. The police ask to see my inspection sheet, I give them my valid inspection sheet that doesn’t expire for another 6 months but they insist I had another inspection order. I don’t know what they are talking about, but they take the plate, put my truck “out of service”, fined me close to $2500 and call the tow truck. Now I can’t put it back on the road until it passes a full inspection, it can’t even be driven to the inspection facility it has to be towed. JC still did not recall getting the inspection order. When I called the Department of Transport office she brought it up on the computer and said, “Does the name ____________ sound familiar?”Then, shortly there after he found the ticket in a coat pocket. That episode cost me $2500 in fines. Plus it meant that it had to be inspected and we knew it was needing brakes and power steering box. JC kept saying he had a guy who would come to the house to inspect the truck, 3 weeks went by and nothing. So I drove it (yes I know it was illegal but I was desperate)to a shop, paid the $125 and had it inspected. JC had fixed the steering box so I assumed he had fixed the brake line leak, but when the guy inspecting the truck looked, there was a pair of vice grips on the brake line!

2. I immediately bought the parts necessary for the brake job. The truck sat for another full month with JC promising to do the brakes every weekend but never doing them.

3. The starter went on the truck, it was on warranty so it wasn’t going to cost anything but 3 weeks went by and it didn’t get done, so I paid to have the truck towed to a shop and repaired. I still owe for that repair.

4.JC’s F250 was stuck in a friends muddy field, he was using my truck to try to pull it out. I could smell something burning but he wouldn’t stop. He is the one who told me a long time ago that you could burn out your tranny that way. I finally lost it and demanded he stop. When he did there was smoke coming from under the hood. But did he stop then? NO! He kept at it until there were flames. I was furious and told him he owed me a new tranny. But the next day when we pick it up it worked ok, but JC told me I should change my tranny fluid. I didn’t know how, money was tight and after all he was the one who overworked it. I bought the tranny fluid, but it never got done. There’s more incidents like this but you get the idea. The tranny fluid ended up going into his transport truck.

- Keep detailed records of any money he gives you and what you spend, also keep a journal because JC changes how and what happens to suit his agenda, if you haven’t kept track you probably won’t remember and even if you do it is his word against yours and he won’t back down.

Somehow you will always owe him money, it doesn’t matter if you make sure you pay for all your own expenses and most of his, out of the blue he will come up with a figure he thinks you owe him. I got in the habit of asking, “Is this a gift or will you expect me to pay for it later, because I can’t afford it so don’t want it, if it is a gift then thank you.”

Never assume anything!!

- He will bitch profusely about all the work and money he’s put into your vehicle and all of a sudden he will have an invoice for you in the thousands for work he’s done.

- He will be relentless about badgering you for payment.

- Eventually either the personal ads, his off and on affection for you (he used to say his love was cycleable) or his badgering you for money will get the better of you, you will explode and you will either be hit(punched) or strangled. He will NOT be sorry.

- If you are emotionally distraught about your child, or someone important to you other than him he will try to control that by not letting you leave or phone until you “calm down” and will resort to physical restraint. If you fight that he will hit you.

- You will discover he is writing love letters to at least one other woman but he will somehow blame you for driving him to it.

- Throughout all this he will have moments of seemingly genuine remorse and will make all sorts of promises, cry, write poetry, anything he thinks will win you over with his charms.

- In 10 yrs he was fired from every job he had, the longest he held a job was one year, most don’t last past the 3 month probationary period.

- He is always “falsely” accused of stealing.

- Rest assured he is lying to you, about how much money he makes, where he spends his money, that he didn’t call because his phone needed charging, that he was working late.

- Quite by accident his best buddy told me something JC had told him and it was nowhere near the truth, after that we compared notes several times a week; JC lies about everything, even things he has no reason to lie about.

- He will be late, always, whether you have Christmas dinner planned, its your birthday, you have a houseful of people coming, you are going to an event he’s known about for weeks, you WILL be left waiting for JC and you WILL miss things that are very important to you.

- although he was generous in the beginning, he has kept track of every dime he has spent on you and after a while not only will you be paying your own way every where but his also. Whereas he used to leave little love notes for you to wake up to and he would buy you flowers for no occasion after a year or so you won’t get gifts any more, not for your birthday, Christmas, or Valentines. I stopped caring but he would make sure to ruin any celebration I had planned.

- he will stop caring if you are enjoying sex, you’ll be lucky if he uses lube let alone to get you aroused. But if you break up, be ready for some of the best sex you’ve ever had, until he’s got you back.

- all his friends either accuse him of stealing or screwing them on a deal, he has no long-term friends because he is not a friend to anyone unless he has something to gain from the friendship. When he does make a new friend he takes on their views and beliefs and calls them daily, gives them gifts and is almost obsessed with them (just like he was with you in the beginning)

- he is passive aggressive and he WILL get even. Something of sentimental value to you will disappear or get broken, by accident of course. By the time we split I had nothing of value left. He loaded my camper on my truck with a bobcat, drove over my possessions with the bobcat, threw my stuff in a muddy pasture and hosed it down. He promised to help me move and then never showed up so I lost my furniture. He stole mementos like my son’s baby teeth, a gold booty charm I got when my son was born and poured antifreeze on all my photos to name just a few things.

- what’s yours is his and what’s his is his and he will not treat your possessions with respect, nor you for that matter.

- Watching a TV show?, he’ll start playing the guitar. Gotta go to bed early he’ll find a way to keep you awake, sick? Forget it if you think he’s going to nurse you, you’ll be lucky if he’ll take you to the hospital when you are REALLY sick, in fact he’ll probably make sure to not be home at all if you are sick.

- He doesn’t do dishes, not if you have been sick for 2 weeks with pneumonia or away for a few days, the dishes will be waiting for you when you are well again or back home.

- He is a slob. He will stop showering daily, stop dressing nice and you will wonder where the clean well dressed guy you met disappeared to, yet when he is going out he will dress up. Where is he going? do you really know?

He has probably isolated you, somehow managed to move you to a remote location so he can control you easier and you don’ t have a support system of family and friends. He will make sure you don’t have a vehicle so when he is gone you can’t go look for him or leave without him. You will be reliant on him for everything, to take you to the doctor, to visit your family, to go grocery shopping; he wants you home but don’t expect him to be accountable for his activities.

I bet shortly after you met him he borrowed a small sum of money and paid you right back, so when he needed a large amount you felt confident he would pay you back. I bet he hasn’t has he? but he has acquired new guitars, motorcycles, and vehicles.

There is more but if that isn’t enough then look out, you are as big a sucker as I was and he WILL break you. After a while you won’t be able to do anything right, you can’t because he keeps changing the rules. When he has used you up he will say he can’t take it any more and he wants out, oh he’ll let you stay because he wouldn’t want to see you with nowhere to go, but its over for him. If it is your house he will refuse to leave. If you tell him to get out he will go away and come back like nothing ever happened. If you lock him out he will threaten to kick the door down so you will let him in for fear of what the neighbors think. If you put his stuff outside he will pretend he doesn’t notice and come in any way, he may be very loving and seem to have changed, if you let him in the house he will slowly bring his stuff back in the house. If you call the police they won’t help. If he has given you any money you will be told it is a rental  agreement and you must serve him with an eviction notice, if he hasn’t given you money then it is considered a domestic issue and the police won’t get involved unless there are signs of domestic violence. If he is driving your vehicle (because he owes the insurance company so much money he can’t afford the insurance) by law, if you didn’t tell him that if he did not return it by a certain date and time you would report it stolen; the police will not help you get it back. You can not cancel the insurance if you don’t have the license plates and anyway if you cancel the insurance he will just drive it without insurance and seeing as it is in your name if he has an accident they will come after you not him. PLUS depending on how long you have been together you may be considered to be married by law and if you don’t have a prenuptial agreement he is entitled to half of everything you own anyway.

You probably have so much money invested in the relationship you know that if you kick him out you will never see your money again. Face it, you are never going to see your money again anyway. You are best to cut your losses and kick him out now before he costs you any more money. If you haven’t figured it out by now, he does not live up to his obligations, he owes everyone and has an excuse why he doesn’t have to pay the debt and it is always someone else’s fault.

About now you just want the man you met back, you want to feel loved again, you try to be more loving because he says you are driving him away with your unreasonable demands for fidelity, accountability and honesty. You will say I love you and he will refuse to say it back because that is what you want. He will act like he loathes you and the times he is loving are fewer and farther between. You will grovel and beg him to please just tell you what he wants, he’ll say “I know I don’t want this” and walk away with a rolling of his eyes and a look of disgust You want that sweet loving man you met back and will do almost anything to revive him but you don’t know how to reach him. You try to discuss things rationally with him like you used to (remember  how when you first met he told you that you were different from all the rest, he could talk to you because you were so calm and rational not like his psycho exs?) so you choose your words carefully, try to pick a time when he isn’t angry and unapproachable and as non-confrontational as possible you try to talk to him about your concerns and how much you love him and just want to know if he still loves you and wants to be with you. But the man who cried the first time he said I love you, the sensitive guy who you talked to for hours in the beginning and told you that you were all the woman he would ever want is now cold and distant, annoyed with your emotional display.  Sorry, the man you met was an illusion, a figment of your imagination that he expertly brought to life in order to hook you. The joke’s on you and he is smug about being able to pull one over on you. To him your displays of emotion are nothing more than attempts to control him. You have been sucked into an elaborate game of strategy, he is continually planning his next move, he must “win” and you are now the enemy. He is a pathological liar, and cheater and assumes you are also. Life is a game where there are no loyalties, no compassion, no empathy, no commitments, only the world against him in his quest to find happiness by fulfilling his every desire any way he can. But he is empty, he has no soul, he was born disabled and can not feel love, empathy or compassion, he has no conscience so feels no guilt, in his mind you deserve to be treated with loathing because you were stupid enough to get sucked in by his lies. He is superior to you because he is smarter than that, to him emotions are a weakness or a weapon. in a normal relationship if you say, “Please stop doing that, it hurts me.” the person will stop, with a narcissist all he sees is you trying to control him and will do it again just to prove you can’t tell him what to do. If he hurts you and you break up with him he will stop at nothing to get you back, say anything, promise everything, admit to everything. if you take him back he isn’t happy to have you back, he sees you as weak and stupid for believing him and for that he will punish you with worse treatment. Every time you forgive him and he gets away with whatever transgression he sees it as a challenge. If he got away with that, what else can he get away with? He needs to hurt you, he gets off on your pain and he must increase the pain he inflicts because like with any addiction he needs more and more. At first the personal ads were good enough but you forgave that, so now he had to exchange pictures and write love letters, when you forgive that he has to date them.

You, you have compromised so many of your boundaries you don’t have any “deal breakers” any more, you don’t know what you believe any more, the lines between right and wrong are blurred. You are ashamed to tell your friends how the relationship really is because you know deep down it isn’t right or fair but he is so adamant that you are to blame, you don’t even know anymore. You just want the pain to stop.

How long the relationship lasts is dependent totally on when JC finds your replacement.

If you leave him before he is ready he will stalk you, harass you and you will believe he could kill you. If you call the police he will be on the phone at the same time laying charges against you or whoever might come to your defense. He will forge your signature on legal documents, insurance papers or a bill of sale.

He will get you evicted time after time and if you move, once you are back on your feet he will be back and slowly but surely he will move in. In 10 yrs he paid the rent for 2 yrs and lived with me the other 8.

Do not doubt the depth of evil within this man,  if you have a gut feeling you are in danger do not doubt it! When ever JC thought I was truly going to leave was when he got the scariest.

He taped us having sex, he had a hidden camera pointed at the chair I usually sat at, he would listen in on conversations and track me through my phone. He sabotaged my brakes, and power steering on my truck more than once and tampered with my tires resulting in me blowing a front tire going 110 km on the freeway. Your imagination is not playing tricks on you, you are not being too suspicious or paranoid.

don't look backThere is a reason he doesn’t want you to meet his ex’s and it isn’t because they are psycho bitches.

Think about it. Like I said to him once. “You must be concerned about yourself.” He said no why do you say that? I said, “Because all your ex’s are psycho bitches. Either you are attracted to psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem. I’d be concerned if I were you.”


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215 responses to “Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

  • JT

    Here is a gift I give to the new Supply. You can carry this now – I pass the inferno to you

    His FB Harem! His predatory ways of friending all beautiful women on FB to use later for supply (just like he did with us), Photos to elicit attention, posts drawing attention for supply, multiple aliases fb accounts to stalk, and collect women. And his compulsion to secretly message with several unsuspecting women at once, leading each to believe he is available. This will never end no matter what he tells you. Have fun with that!

    The long stares, knowing glances he gives other women at restaurants, clubs, on the street, in the grocery store, ferry, anywhere. His acting out in public when a beautiful woman is near in the grocery line, waitress, whatever. He is always looking and operating from a predatory position even with you. It never stops, no matter how much he is attracted to you. Never ends.

    His phone! The text messages coming in from other women, emails, phone calls. Letting the phone go dead in your company, or leaving it in the car to avoid explanations. And don’t think the email account he uses with you is what he uses with others. Nope he has many secret accounts and coded phone numbers. You might want to get a hold of those devices and check for yourself?

    His ugly beard – yuk! Makes him look old and ugly. Homeless hobo look. Yup, he’ll stop shaving soon, when he’s got you. But if he suddenly starts again, beware he’s after new supply. His BO! No showers, 12 fungal toe nails, yellow teeth, stinky butt, semen hair (yup he masterbates and rubs it in his hair), dirty car, dirty cabin with no running water, no toilet – that’s what outside is for. No underwear, ugly hat, old clothes. Oh he can clean up for a while and look like a movie star, but he’ll revert to sleazy slob status again. He’ll use you for showers and laundry. Oh and to take care of his neglected dog.

    Pornography! Yippee. Hope you like porn or accept your man watching daily – maybe even several times, because he is an addict. He can’t orgasm if he’s been with you too many times in a row, he’ll need porn or a mirror (better have one handy). You won’t satisfy him, unless you get in a fight and he gets fired up to get what he can’t have.

    Criminal record – you betcha! In OR when he was busted for masterbating in his car on the side of the road. Happened to be at a bus stop. Fishing violations resulting in arrest and fines, and finally an assault on ME, throwing coffee in my face he was charged, but committed a felony by hacking on to my computer and sending false email of my bogus confession. Perjury in two court cases. Nothing is beneath him to avoid responsibility. Hope that works out for you.

    His piss poor reputation! If you do a little research on this guy around town, you’ll find he has many enemies, women he has slept with, used and harmed, angry husbands and boyfriends, co-workers, former classmates even family who stay far away from him. Many people describe him as sleazy (shaven) and creepy (beard). He’ll show that side soon, don’t worry.

    His little daughter and her mother – so sad. He is a dead beat Dad. No child support payments and demonizing her mother constantly. He selfishly spends money on himself and does not contribute at all to her. The mother covers all expenses. You want to have a child with him?

    Listening to his “do nothing” rants about everything he can think of. This is his big ego boost and you are now his audience. You also get to listen to all his complaints and demonizing of his former women and he is such a victim. Hmmm wonder what he’ll say about you? Funny I thought he wouldn’t do that to me – he told me I was special.

    Mr. Hyde. He’s in there and will come out. He yells loud with finger in the face. He will lose it soon. Life builds up and he’ll take it out on you. It’s coming. Be careful my friend.

    The constant watch and anxiety of being suspicious. knowing your intuition is telling you his words are lies. He’s cheating. You’ll sense it. You’ll know in your gut. You will have to negotiate with your own values. It’s not a good feeling to always be wondering who he’s calling, or with, texting or messaging. He is doing it. Your gut is right. The only time he isn’t is when you are with him and he is away from the phone/computer. All other times you can be sure he’s doing it. Living with that violation is insane.He will make you think you are crazy for thinking what is the truth.

    Preening! Have you ever seen him go past a mirror without looking at himself? When he starts asking you questions about his body – first clue he is trolling for new supply. Do I look old? How does my body look? It looks good doesn’t it? Does this shirt look good on me? Are you glad I shaved? Should I cut my hair? He’ll actually have you help him look better so he can cheat on you!

    These are true qualities and events delivered tongue in check, but in all seriousness, I don’t wish all this painful bs on anyone. The truth is he does have some qualities that I needed and loved, but obviously he is incapable of love, empathy and a real relationship. He is dangerous in so many ways. A friend of mine put it kindly “he’s broken and can’t be fixed”. I feel sorry for anyone who has to go through all this with him. What is my excuse? Only that I fell in love with the illusion he created and stayed too long in the hope that he would change.

    God Bless you


  • Anne

    Haha! Love the line you gave him in the last paragraph, wish I had dared-done the same! Thanks for the laugh!


  • kristin

    Oh wow… did you say sexually he continuously said he wanted to sleep inside you? Must be a common narc trait because mine said the same thing. I that super weird? Maybe they think the closer they can get to someone the more chance they will actually get an emotion or somethig that is so funny.


  • eah2007

    Hi here I am again writing to you, it has been almost 3 months now of no contact with my ex narcissist and the pain is not getting any better! He went back to his ex of 10 years on and off but in August he got in touch with me for my birthday and ended up coming to stay with me and I let him sleep with me yet again even when I knew he had been staying with her just a few days before it and discovered they were back in a relationship again. I had spoken to his ex in the past as she called my house when we were living together, she said he had called her from my house and she was returning his call not knowing we were still together which I believed because he called her when I was away with friends for the weekend! Anyway she said that he was good to talk to but she also had a miserable life with him too and I should call her if I ever wanted to talk! Well I txt her after he came to stay at my house and ended up in my bed again so I told her exactly what had happened but she didn’t believe me and asked me what I was hoping to achieve from telling her this, cutting a long story short she told him about my call and he called me telling me I was a psycho and to stay out of their lives. Obviously I was so hurt as he had been in contact with her for almost a year when we were staying together, he even called her and spoke to her for ages when I was in the house with him but was in bed not feeling well and upset for something he did to hurt me which was on a regular basis. I know now that the 2 1/2 years that we were together he was only waiting for the day that she took him back because it seems she always does, she knows that he had hit me a few times as I told her that too so I find it so hard to understand why she would take him back.

    They went to a family wedding together recently and looked so happy together from the pics I saw as I still keep in touch with him mother. It just rips my heart apart and I just can’t get him out of my mind. Like the others he was so good to me in lots of ways but towards the end he was more horrible than good, I know I also need to get help for myself through therapy and I’m going to the doctors to see what would be best for me. Looking back on my relationships I have always fallen for the guys who treat me badly hoping they will fall in love with me and not able to handle rejection. Unfortunately with this one I just can’t seem to move on as quickly as I have before. I’m going out with friends, booking holidays etc but still can’t seem to be a peace with myself and enjoy life.

    I’m 55 now and he’s 51 and from what I know about him now it seems he has always been violent towards women and treated them badly, although to people think he is the life and soul of the party and so kind and generous (which he can be). I just wonder if things will work out for his ex now partner again, I know I should thank her for taking him back again but I’m not!!!! HELP


    • Carrie Reimer

      eah007, no contact means no contact whatsoever. By sleeping with him in August you put yourself right back to square one and you are still in contact with his mother and looking at his info on facebook. That is why you are still having such a hard time.
      If you want to heal you have to stop looking to see what he is doing, talking about what he is doing and most of all you have to stop sleeping with him.
      You must be getting tired of falling in love with men that treat you badly, hoping they fall in love with you and probably that is why you are not moving on as quickly this time. Maybe it is time to do some soul searching and figure out why you are picking guys you know are assholes.
      As for him being happy with the OW, they always put on the act in the beginning. He slept with you while he was involved with her; you consider that treating her well?? I call that being an asshole.
      These parasites are incapable of love, they are a facade, an act, he wants to hurt you to feed his ego, get the ow doing the “pick me dance” and you are playing right into his schemes.
      I think you need to stop concerning yourself with HIS love life and start working on finding out what past hurts you have to heal in order to feel you are worthy of a man who treats you well. Or better yet, to feel so good about yourself, you don’t need a man to make you feel good about yourself.
      It is never too late to improve your life, learn and grow. You can change your future; in fact you are the only one who can change the future.
      I think a therapist is a great idea. I suspect there was abuse in your childhood that has left you with very low self esteem. Wouldn’t it be great to exorcise those demons so you can stop punishing yourself?
      Good luck, let me know how you are doing., Hugs


      • eah2007

        Thank you Carrie for replying to my post so quickly especially when I know how busy you must be with day to day life and helping us all here on your site. You are absolutely right about everything you have said to me, there was abuse in my childhood my father was a very abusive man to my mother who never did anything to antagonise him infact I mostly remember as a child he would come home very late when my mother was in bed and as usual all hell would break lose. I still feel sick now thinking about it and I could never understand when I got older why she put up with it, I always said I would never let a man hit me in a relationship but I did for the first time with the ex and never told anyone apart from a friend I would go and stay with when it happened.

        When I first met my exes mother we just hit it off right away and have spent a lot of time together and had some lovely holidays too, I have said to her that I don’t want to keep in touch with her as its her son and I don’t want him to think she’s taking sides or making it awkward with the o/w now but she doesn’t want to lose touch either because we get on so well. Yes it does hurt me when his name is mentioned about things he is now doing with the o/w that he never did with me etc but I’m hoping thats going to get better.

        I did go to my doctor today and explained that I had started taking my anti depressant tablets again that I came off a few month ago just to try and help me through this, also asked to see a therapist but was advised that there is a very long waiting list and he gave me a few organisations to call for further information which I will do.

        I have never been dependant on a man from the financial point of view but have probably thought that having a man in my life that I love will make me happy, it never does though as pick the wrong ones! I have been very lucky in my life with work and being able to take a few years off and travel around the world and as I said before have good friends who are always there for me as I am for them. As you say it’s never too late to improve your life, learn and grow……I know I never want to go back to the life I had with my ex again but like most of us I do miss the nice side of him and how he would make me feel, which I suppose can be quite addictive.

        I know I became obsessed, jealous, angry ….every emotion under the sun the worst I have ever been and it certainly didn’t help me to think clearly especially when I contacted the o/w because what did I expect to gain from that …it only made me feel worse and as you say played right into his schemes. When he called me saying I was a psycho he asked me if I was happy with myself for what I’d done and I said no, but what I should have said was ‘are you happy with what you did’? Doesn’t really matter now anyway but one good thing from all of this he certainly won’t be contacting me again now he know’s the outcome and it’s also confirmed to me that he’s not capable of being faithful to anyone.

        Anyway onwards and upwards …….thank you for listening to me and giving me your advise believe me it really helps.



        • Carrie Reimer

          eah007, I understand the close relationship you have with his mother but if she feels the same about you and really cares about you then telling her you don’t want to hear his name or what he is doing should not be a problem. There are other things to talk about. it doesn’t have to be done in a nasty way. Believe me I have been there and I have felt the same way about members of his family and like I said his step dad and I still talk but not about my ex. Sure I still think I want to know what he is doing but I also know it is unhealthy for me and keeps me attached to him so I don’t go there. Many times a victim will keep contact with the family because it does keep us attached to him.
          Don’t be so sure he won’t contact you, like I said, when he contacts you and then you contact the ow, it plays right into his plan, he wants you to contact her. They love the drama of playing two women against each other. He will keep contacting you as long as he gets some pay off from it and you calling the ow is payoff for him. He WANTS her jealous and upset, it proves to him how wonderful he is when he can get two women fighting over him.
          It also gave him another opportunity to hurt and degrade you.
          You are still clinging to him. The last thing you need is to meet another man, you will end up in the same position you are now. Until you deal with the pain from your up bringing you will repeat the same choices you have always made. Deal with the demons first. I have read a great book and recommended it to a few people here. It is written by
          Amanda Smith and called Toxic No More. It is available through Amazon and well worth reading it has helped a few people I know.


  • Jenny

    Oh my love… The disgusting prig!!!
    What a nasty evil man…
    You must cut off contact with him…
    You must get help for your recovery… Please see your doctor…
    You will benefit from counselling …
    Let them stay together… You can overcome this
    I urge you to be strong…
    You deserve so much more than this …


  • eah2007

    Thank you Jenny for your kind words it really does help talking to people who understand what it’s like living with a narcissist, I’m also very lucky to have good friends who try to help me through this horrible time in my life but I know I shouldn’t burden their lives with my problems that is why I know that I need to do more to help myself. Love to all you women and men out there that are going through all the hurt and pain that these nasty people are putting us through . .


  • Jenny

    She will not be happy with him… Pity her all those
    wasted years. Looking happy on wedding photos?
    A quick snap of time .. Seconds.. He is running to and
    fro two women … Like a bellowing hurt animal… And he is
    hurting and ruining both your lives..
    I know because I’ve been there… I never understood
    how my narc could so easily flirt and cheat and tell outrageous
    lies… Spend the afternoon with me telling me how
    sorry he is for cheating … Can’t wait to see me again… Then
    a few minutes later pass me in his car because as he left
    me he immediately went to pick up his other woman..
    Id hung around to catch him as I had sensed he was lying..
    And there was the proof… What a monster…
    Pity him and her … We are worth so much more…
    I put up with two years before leaving him ( we had broken my 30 year marriage)
    And still we carried on with me living apart from him…
    I’ve broken contact now.. He will end up a lonely
    old man … We are both in out fifties now…
    His family remain intact while mine were torn apart..
    And all for nothing.
    So get out now! This is your opportunity… Let her deal
    with him… You owe yourself a decent life
    I wish you well


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