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Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

Letter to the Next Victim

I want to offer some information so you don’t believe him when he tells you that you are crazy and he has about had it with YOUR theatrics. To find support and to confirm you are not crazy just google Malignant Narcissist, Psychopath; JC is textbook.

I assume you are beginning to doubt JC is everything he professes to be; so much what I am about to tell you should ring true to you, arm you with knowledge of things yet to come and hopefully you will run NOW, and not wait. I didn’t try to warn you because I know how charming he can be in the beginning, you were thinking he was the love of your life and you would never have believed me anyway. I’m sure he has made me sound like a psycho bitch (because that is what he told me about the ones before me) who made his life hell for 10 years. Plus you would have wanted to prove how loyal you were to him after  he had been treated so badly by me.

But by now things aren’t adding up, he has changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it or he is saying you are being too sensitive, you are doubting yourself and your gut instinct. I guarantee you he won’t change,  in fact;  the longer you are with him the weaker you get, the more control he gains and when you have nothing left to give he will leave you without a backwards glance, except to call you a psycho bitch and tell you he has found the love of his life.

Here are a few facts that might help you realize you are just one of many women who have been the “love of his life”. He is incapable of true love, has no conscience, feels entitled to do and take anything he desires without guilt and will blame you for your own pain.

Did you know that he and I had gone for dinner the night before he broke down in your driveway and he had walked me out to my truck and said I love you and kissed me ever so sweetly. Did you know that he was seeing 3 or 4 women at the same time, telling me he loved me and saying, “I don’t know why you get so upset, you know we always end up back together.” The day after we had dinner together the police called me and asked if I knew where my car was. (it was in my name and I was insuring it as a favor to JC, according to his blog he had left your house to meet me so I could insure it for him, all the while leading me to believe he still loved me) The police told me where it was parked with the keys in it. It turns out JC was seeing a married woman and her husband found out and thought by letting me know it would break it up. It did break it up but he went straight to your place. I found out on the blog he had at the time that he was thinking Peggy was going to be the last woman he ever loved.

He had told 6 women in 2 years that he loved them, but he means it with you, right? But that was a long time ago wasn’t it, maybe he was lying to you then, maybe he was lying to many people but your special love has changed him, right? Just because he has never been faithful in his life and he has physically abused every woman he has been with doesn’t mean he will abuse you, right? he just hasn’t had anyone love him like you love him, right? You can go ahead and believe that, I won’t try to change your mind but keep THIS in mind; past behavior predicts future behavior. I am going to do you a favor, give you an advantage I never had. Do with it what you will but you would be wise to not let him know you know. Knowledge is a powerful thing and it would serve you well to file this information.

- Within a month of us moving in together I accidentally found he had joined a dating site while I was at a family function he refused to attend at the last-minute. Of course I was being totally selfish when I got angry. When he realized my bags were packed he turned on the tears and begged me to stay, he made all kinds of empty promises.

- Remember this: If you decide you have had enough of his pathological lying, infidelity, and chronically being fired for stealing and kick him out; he will recite everything he ever did wrong to you, take total blame, give a tearful apology and one week later when you find out he hasn’t done anything to change and remind him of his promises he will look you straight in the eye and say, “I told you what I knew you wanted to hear.” and accuse you of living in the past.

- He has studied mind control, all the tricks on how to get any woman to go to bed with him, and he will look you right in the eye and lie! Even when you catch him red handed he will deny deny deny and then get angry, don’t push him, he will hit you. It’s called narcissistic rage. The worst thing you can do is tell a narcissist he/she is wrong or challenge their lies.

- At first sex was great, we slept wrapped together all night. He even made a point of mentioning how a couple sleep together is an indication of how “connected” they are and he’d never been able to sleep snuggled up all night with anyone like the way we slept. We would make love and he would want to fall asleep while he was still inside me, often waking up several times in the night to do it again. He couldn’t get enough of me; but soon he came to bed later and later, and would make it to bed just in time to get laid before I had to go to work. The last couple of years he was falling asleep anywhere but in bed with me.

- he was an attentive lover at first and every time we broke up, between those times it was all about him, I was taking too long to orgasm, oral sex was reserved for those times he was trying to win me back and in the end he wouldn’t even pull his jeans down and just undo his zipper. I never rejected him, because I loved him with all my heart and I didn’t want to give him any reason to go elsewhere. In 10 years, even when we were split I never so much as kissed another man.

He will eventually treat you with loathing. When I cried and offered to leave because it was obvious he didn’t love me he told me I was being too sensitive and paranoid.

He came to me after about 3 months of no contact, he had moved to Red Deer and I had gone on with my life: and begged me to come back to him, to give him “one last 2nd chance”. He was crying, telling me I was all the woman he would ever want or need, he proposed, he made love to me like never before and made me repeat over and over that I knew he loved me. He apologized for everything he ever did wrong without blaming me for anything. he acknowledged how hard I had worked and how I had put up with more than any woman should have to.He also told me he had been given 6 months to live. I found out over the course of 2 years that when he promised total honesty and faithfulness he was alternating living with two women in Alberta, had only hidden his profile on POF, and still writing a woman in Africa promising to bring her to Canada and marry her.

- He had many ads on many sites, looking for sex, love and any age was fair game.

- One time I counted 102 porn sites saved on the computer.

- Speaking of the internet, he has discovered all the ways to hide his activity on the net, if you are not computer savvy you have no idea the 2nd false life he leads on the net.

- Sounds weird I know, but he injured himself every time I thought I’d had enough and I’d have to take care of him. It happened for years until I casually mentioned what a coincidence it was that every time we had a fight he got injured, then it never happened again.

- Also, every vehicle I had for the 10 yrs I was with him developed a recurring problem that only he could fix or it was stolen. I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years, and numerous, more than I can count; broke down never to run again. That was how he controlled where I went, how much money I had and whether I could leave him or not. It is after all, all about control, him controlling you. You will not control him in any way.

With my last truck alone it was a constant string of truck repairs. JC drove my truck until the last torque converter melted and destroyed the new tranny, why would a mechanic do something like that? I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t dealing with a normal person, there is no way of knowing why he does the things he does.

Just some of the issues with my truck:

1. He borrowed my truck to go get Tim Horton’s one night. While he was at Tim Horton’s some guys dropped off a car at Ralph’s across the street,he says the guys told him to help himself to the battery, rad etc out of it. So he did. The cops having coffee in Timmy’s of course checked out what he was doing and checked out my truck. They wrote him up for a bald tire and a broken wooden sideboard and gave him an inspection order; that he never told me about. Four months later I am driving through Surrey at 11 at night and get pulled over in a routine check. The police ask to see my inspection sheet, I give them my valid inspection sheet that doesn’t expire for another 6 months but they insist I had another inspection order. I don’t know what they are talking about, but they take the plate, put my truck “out of service”, fined me close to $2500 and call the tow truck. Now I can’t put it back on the road until it passes a full inspection, it can’t even be driven to the inspection facility it has to be towed. JC still did not recall getting the inspection order. When I called the Department of Transport office she brought it up on the computer and said, “Does the name ____________ sound familiar?”Then, shortly there after he found the ticket in a coat pocket. That episode cost me $2500 in fines. Plus it meant that it had to be inspected and we knew it was needing brakes and power steering box. JC kept saying he had a guy who would come to the house to inspect the truck, 3 weeks went by and nothing. So I drove it (yes I know it was illegal but I was desperate)to a shop, paid the $125 and had it inspected. JC had fixed the steering box so I assumed he had fixed the brake line leak, but when the guy inspecting the truck looked, there was a pair of vice grips on the brake line!

2. I immediately bought the parts necessary for the brake job. The truck sat for another full month with JC promising to do the brakes every weekend but never doing them.

3. The starter went on the truck, it was on warranty so it wasn’t going to cost anything but 3 weeks went by and it didn’t get done, so I paid to have the truck towed to a shop and repaired. I still owe for that repair.

4.JC’s F250 was stuck in a friends muddy field, he was using my truck to try to pull it out. I could smell something burning but he wouldn’t stop. He is the one who told me a long time ago that you could burn out your tranny that way. I finally lost it and demanded he stop. When he did there was smoke coming from under the hood. But did he stop then? NO! He kept at it until there were flames. I was furious and told him he owed me a new tranny. But the next day when we pick it up it worked ok, but JC told me I should change my tranny fluid. I didn’t know how, money was tight and after all he was the one who overworked it. I bought the tranny fluid, but it never got done. There’s more incidents like this but you get the idea. The tranny fluid ended up going into his transport truck.

- Keep detailed records of any money he gives you and what you spend, also keep a journal because JC changes how and what happens to suit his agenda, if you haven’t kept track you probably won’t remember and even if you do it is his word against yours and he won’t back down.

Somehow you will always owe him money, it doesn’t matter if you make sure you pay for all your own expenses and most of his, out of the blue he will come up with a figure he thinks you owe him. I got in the habit of asking, “Is this a gift or will you expect me to pay for it later, because I can’t afford it so don’t want it, if it is a gift then thank you.”

Never assume anything!!

- He will bitch profusely about all the work and money he’s put into your vehicle and all of a sudden he will have an invoice for you in the thousands for work he’s done.

- He will be relentless about badgering you for payment.

- Eventually either the personal ads, his off and on affection for you (he used to say his love was cycleable) or his badgering you for money will get the better of you, you will explode and you will either be hit(punched) or strangled. He will NOT be sorry.

- If you are emotionally distraught about your child, or someone important to you other than him he will try to control that by not letting you leave or phone until you “calm down” and will resort to physical restraint. If you fight that he will hit you.

- You will discover he is writing love letters to at least one other woman but he will somehow blame you for driving him to it.

- Throughout all this he will have moments of seemingly genuine remorse and will make all sorts of promises, cry, write poetry, anything he thinks will win you over with his charms.

- In 10 yrs he was fired from every job he had, the longest he held a job was one year, most don’t last past the 3 month probationary period.

- He is always “falsely” accused of stealing.

- Rest assured he is lying to you, about how much money he makes, where he spends his money, that he didn’t call because his phone needed charging, that he was working late.

- Quite by accident his best buddy told me something JC had told him and it was nowhere near the truth, after that we compared notes several times a week; JC lies about everything, even things he has no reason to lie about.

- He will be late, always, whether you have Christmas dinner planned, its your birthday, you have a houseful of people coming, you are going to an event he’s known about for weeks, you WILL be left waiting for JC and you WILL miss things that are very important to you.

- although he was generous in the beginning, he has kept track of every dime he has spent on you and after a while not only will you be paying your own way every where but his also. Whereas he used to leave little love notes for you to wake up to and he would buy you flowers for no occasion after a year or so you won’t get gifts any more, not for your birthday, Christmas, or Valentines. I stopped caring but he would make sure to ruin any celebration I had planned.

- he will stop caring if you are enjoying sex, you’ll be lucky if he uses lube let alone to get you aroused. But if you break up, be ready for some of the best sex you’ve ever had, until he’s got you back.

- all his friends either accuse him of stealing or screwing them on a deal, he has no long-term friends because he is not a friend to anyone unless he has something to gain from the friendship. When he does make a new friend he takes on their views and beliefs and calls them daily, gives them gifts and is almost obsessed with them (just like he was with you in the beginning)

- he is passive aggressive and he WILL get even. Something of sentimental value to you will disappear or get broken, by accident of course. By the time we split I had nothing of value left. He loaded my camper on my truck with a bobcat, drove over my possessions with the bobcat, threw my stuff in a muddy pasture and hosed it down. He promised to help me move and then never showed up so I lost my furniture. He stole mementos like my son’s baby teeth, a gold booty charm I got when my son was born and poured antifreeze on all my photos to name just a few things.

- what’s yours is his and what’s his is his and he will not treat your possessions with respect, nor you for that matter.

- Watching a TV show?, he’ll start playing the guitar. Gotta go to bed early he’ll find a way to keep you awake, sick? Forget it if you think he’s going to nurse you, you’ll be lucky if he’ll take you to the hospital when you are REALLY sick, in fact he’ll probably make sure to not be home at all if you are sick.

- He doesn’t do dishes, not if you have been sick for 2 weeks with pneumonia or away for a few days, the dishes will be waiting for you when you are well again or back home.

- He is a slob. He will stop showering daily, stop dressing nice and you will wonder where the clean well dressed guy you met disappeared to, yet when he is going out he will dress up. Where is he going? do you really know?

He has probably isolated you, somehow managed to move you to a remote location so he can control you easier and you don’ t have a support system of family and friends. He will make sure you don’t have a vehicle so when he is gone you can’t go look for him or leave without him. You will be reliant on him for everything, to take you to the doctor, to visit your family, to go grocery shopping; he wants you home but don’t expect him to be accountable for his activities.

I bet shortly after you met him he borrowed a small sum of money and paid you right back, so when he needed a large amount you felt confident he would pay you back. I bet he hasn’t has he? but he has acquired new guitars, motorcycles, and vehicles.

There is more but if that isn’t enough then look out, you are as big a sucker as I was and he WILL break you. After a while you won’t be able to do anything right, you can’t because he keeps changing the rules. When he has used you up he will say he can’t take it any more and he wants out, oh he’ll let you stay because he wouldn’t want to see you with nowhere to go, but its over for him. If it is your house he will refuse to leave. If you tell him to get out he will go away and come back like nothing ever happened. If you lock him out he will threaten to kick the door down so you will let him in for fear of what the neighbors think. If you put his stuff outside he will pretend he doesn’t notice and come in any way, he may be very loving and seem to have changed, if you let him in the house he will slowly bring his stuff back in the house. If you call the police they won’t help. If he has given you any money you will be told it is a rental  agreement and you must serve him with an eviction notice, if he hasn’t given you money then it is considered a domestic issue and the police won’t get involved unless there are signs of domestic violence. If he is driving your vehicle (because he owes the insurance company so much money he can’t afford the insurance) by law, if you didn’t tell him that if he did not return it by a certain date and time you would report it stolen; the police will not help you get it back. You can not cancel the insurance if you don’t have the license plates and anyway if you cancel the insurance he will just drive it without insurance and seeing as it is in your name if he has an accident they will come after you not him. PLUS depending on how long you have been together you may be considered to be married by law and if you don’t have a prenuptial agreement he is entitled to half of everything you own anyway.

You probably have so much money invested in the relationship you know that if you kick him out you will never see your money again. Face it, you are never going to see your money again anyway. You are best to cut your losses and kick him out now before he costs you any more money. If you haven’t figured it out by now, he does not live up to his obligations, he owes everyone and has an excuse why he doesn’t have to pay the debt and it is always someone else’s fault.

About now you just want the man you met back, you want to feel loved again, you try to be more loving because he says you are driving him away with your unreasonable demands for fidelity, accountability and honesty. You will say I love you and he will refuse to say it back because that is what you want. He will act like he loathes you and the times he is loving are fewer and farther between. You will grovel and beg him to please just tell you what he wants, he’ll say “I know I don’t want this” and walk away with a rolling of his eyes and a look of disgust You want that sweet loving man you met back and will do almost anything to revive him but you don’t know how to reach him. You try to discuss things rationally with him like you used to (remember  how when you first met he told you that you were different from all the rest, he could talk to you because you were so calm and rational not like his psycho exs?) so you choose your words carefully, try to pick a time when he isn’t angry and unapproachable and as non-confrontational as possible you try to talk to him about your concerns and how much you love him and just want to know if he still loves you and wants to be with you. But the man who cried the first time he said I love you, the sensitive guy who you talked to for hours in the beginning and told you that you were all the woman he would ever want is now cold and distant, annoyed with your emotional display.  Sorry, the man you met was an illusion, a figment of your imagination that he expertly brought to life in order to hook you. The joke’s on you and he is smug about being able to pull one over on you. To him your displays of emotion are nothing more than attempts to control him. You have been sucked into an elaborate game of strategy, he is continually planning his next move, he must “win” and you are now the enemy. He is a pathological liar, and cheater and assumes you are also. Life is a game where there are no loyalties, no compassion, no empathy, no commitments, only the world against him in his quest to find happiness by fulfilling his every desire any way he can. But he is empty, he has no soul, he was born disabled and can not feel love, empathy or compassion, he has no conscience so feels no guilt, in his mind you deserve to be treated with loathing because you were stupid enough to get sucked in by his lies. He is superior to you because he is smarter than that, to him emotions are a weakness or a weapon. in a normal relationship if you say, “Please stop doing that, it hurts me.” the person will stop, with a narcissist all he sees is you trying to control him and will do it again just to prove you can’t tell him what to do. If he hurts you and you break up with him he will stop at nothing to get you back, say anything, promise everything, admit to everything. if you take him back he isn’t happy to have you back, he sees you as weak and stupid for believing him and for that he will punish you with worse treatment. Every time you forgive him and he gets away with whatever transgression he sees it as a challenge. If he got away with that, what else can he get away with? He needs to hurt you, he gets off on your pain and he must increase the pain he inflicts because like with any addiction he needs more and more. At first the personal ads were good enough but you forgave that, so now he had to exchange pictures and write love letters, when you forgive that he has to date them.

You, you have compromised so many of your boundaries you don’t have any “deal breakers” any more, you don’t know what you believe any more, the lines between right and wrong are blurred. You are ashamed to tell your friends how the relationship really is because you know deep down it isn’t right or fair but he is so adamant that you are to blame, you don’t even know anymore. You just want the pain to stop.

How long the relationship lasts is dependent totally on when JC finds your replacement.

If you leave him before he is ready he will stalk you, harass you and you will believe he could kill you. If you call the police he will be on the phone at the same time laying charges against you or whoever might come to your defense. He will forge your signature on legal documents, insurance papers or a bill of sale.

He will get you evicted time after time and if you move, once you are back on your feet he will be back and slowly but surely he will move in. In 10 yrs he paid the rent for 2 yrs and lived with me the other 8.

Do not doubt the depth of evil within this man,  if you have a gut feeling you are in danger do not doubt it! When ever JC thought I was truly going to leave was when he got the scariest.

He taped us having sex, he had a hidden camera pointed at the chair I usually sat at, he would listen in on conversations and track me through my phone. He sabotaged my brakes, and power steering on my truck more than once and tampered with my tires resulting in me blowing a front tire going 110 km on the freeway. Your imagination is not playing tricks on you, you are not being too suspicious or paranoid.

don't look backThere is a reason he doesn’t want you to meet his ex’s and it isn’t because they are psycho bitches.

Think about it. Like I said to him once. “You must be concerned about yourself.” He said no why do you say that? I said, “Because all your ex’s are psycho bitches. Either you are attracted to psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem. I’d be concerned if I were you.”

 

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191 responses to “Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

  • tulips

    Hi Carrie, This post reminds me SLAA. I started going because I am afraid of getting with another N and I think I must be addicted to “love” or trying to get affirmation from outside of myself. It sounds like your N was a very extreme version of a sex and love addict, as was mine.

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  • Ness

    Well, next stage for me. Finally e-mailed to let me know that he has a girlfriend. Followed it up with, but I am only with you because you don’t give me a chance. I knew there was something brewing, there were no attempted calls or e-mails all weekend. Opened an e-mail up today and there it was. I could have called, told him I wanted him back etc etc. I had a pain shoot straight through my heart, a familiar pain. It didn’t strike as hard this time. Benefit of experience I guess. I cried for about 5 minutes and then just settled into living with a little pain until time heals this one too. He was still on dating sites when he sent through this message. Had still been right into trying to get me to return to the relationship. Apparently, she is a much better person than me, and they just clicked. Apparently she has lost her daughter and her sister and knows not to worry about crap as life is too short. Wow…another vulnerable woman. I feel for her. Now this blog has a personal meaning for me. I know he cheated, don’t know how much but I have never had him tell me that he has found someone else. I did reply, only to say that if he has a girlfriend he should not be going behind her back and speaking with me and in fact doing this shows me he hasn’t changed at all. I wished him luck and then advised him to focus on her now. it hurts, but I’m getting one step closer to no more hurt. I don’t think I’ll sleep very well tonight but I will do my best tomorrow to get on with my life as usual. Oh and now, following him apologising for hurting me through the relationship. now everything is my fault. I was too insecure, worried about rubbish, didn’t know how to enjoy life and the physical assaults were 95% my fault as he was just reacting to me. It’s hit me, but it won’t knock me down this time. He is text book. Must go to bed and try and sleep!

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    • Carrie Reimer

      Ness, I know how painful it is to finally hear it, that they have met someone else. For so long we went along knowing they were probably cheating but they always came back to us, and there was still some sort of connection but when they truly meet someone and tell us it changes and we think we were hurt before but reach a new level of hurt. It enters another level because they deny any fault and blame us for everything and the new woman is perfect and the new woman’s special love has turned him into the sweetheart we always wanted. But as you know this is text book and the woman is no different than any other woman or us. He is loving bombing her and in the process hurting you. This is when no contact becomes SO important!! It is natural to want to defend yourself to his claims that it was all your fault but there is no point, he won’t admit to any fault and the only thing it does is solidify to the new woman that you are psycho like he said you are. I could kick myself now, I did beg him back when I found out about the other woman and he must have been so proud of himself. All I did was make myself look like a fool and made him look good, “If he was so bad why did I want him back” I am sure the new woman was gloating over how she was so special. OH it makes me sick thinking about it.
      Be strong! block him and do not respond, anything you say will only feed his ego. You will be glad you did it later even if it is hard right now. You have done good so far, hang in there. You will get through this and we are here for you!
      Big Hugs to You
      Carrie

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      • Christine

        Hi All,

        I have been reading all of your blogs Carrie and I have been reading the posts from other victims. Today I finally decided to share my story.

        In Oct 2008, a good friend of mine was going through a divorce. He was devastated, he confided in me and I felt so sorry for him. My heart went out to him. He missed his kids and the stories he told me of his ex were unbelievable!

        Before I knew what was happening, our ten year friendship turned Into something more! For four years I dated this man. At the beginning he was my dream come true. I kept telling myself that his ex-wife’s loss was my gain and that she was stupid for letting him go! Great father, great business man, very well off, good family man, etc. he treated me like a queen! I was head over heels in love with him.

        For the first year and a half everything was awesome but then things started to change. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but any time I questioned him about something I would get the silent treatment for weeks. Still I made excuses for him, kept telling myself that his ex wife was doing this to him, he had been put through the ringer etc, etc, etc.. He brainwashed his kids so that he could take them away from his ex wife. He got full custody. Turned the older son against his mother so that his ex wife could not be at her sons wedding. He even began going to church just to rove to everyone what a great guy he was. He was the victim. He tried so hard to keep his marriage together! Ya right! I found out afterwards that he had numerous affairs and abused his ex wife to the point of no return. She finally had the courage to leave him after 22years of marriage.

        Fast forward, I was devalued and then eventually discarded. I went through hell and back trying to figure out what I had done to have him treat me this way. After all, we had been friends for ten years, why did he choose to use me? Like everyone else, I was strong and confident and intelligent etc.. But he did a number on me.

        I remember searching the internet about getting over break ups when I stumbled upon the term narcassist. Had no idea what that was. The more I read the more I knew that the man I was involved with was a textbook narcassist! I kept reading and reading to inform myself so that the pain would go away!

        It has been two years since the final discard. No contact at all. I was starting to do well even though I have to admit that I still do think about it a lot. A month ago I found out he is engaged to be married this December. To a woman 14 years his junior and 8 years my junior. I was and still am devastated! I am having such a hard time with this thinking that she is getting this excellent treatment from him. They are getting married the same month we had planned to get married, the same year, the same honeymoon destination and they will be moving into the house he and I designed together. I have been crying every single day! I know that I dodged a bullet with this man, but I can’t forget about him or our relationship.

        Here is where it gets crazier. Exactly two days after I found out he was getting married, he sent me a text! After two years of no contact! I never thought he would contact me again since our last time, I pretty much told him I knew exactly what he was all about. But, he did. I made the mistake of responding to his text. I know, I know, bad move! I congratulated him, and he told me he was very happy. Even though I tried to ask him questions about his upcoming wedding and his fiancé, he dodged them all. He was more concerned with talking about our relationship, mainly our intimacy. I ended the conversation quickly and never contacted him at all. However, every two weeks or so like clock work, he contacts me via text and only wants to discuss our past intimacy. He tells me that he misses me and that we were great together etc etc. if he claims he is happy with his fiancé, why is he contacting me and talking about this?

        I don’t contact him at all, and I have no desire to! My only mistake is that I do respond when he texts me because I feel as though he is proving to me what a scum of the earth he really is. The more he proves that to me, the more disgusted I am with him, and the happier I get that I am no longer involved with him. Everything he says in his texts to me, I see right through. It is everything I have read about! I am on to him only he doesn’t know I am. I am playing his stupid little game. He knows I have moved on and he knows I am happy. I talk to him like I talk to anyone of my male friends and he knows it. He is only getting indifference from me. It must be driving him crazy but I don’t care! A man soon to be married does not talk about sex with an ex. He says he is happy but I know he isn’t. He says he misses me but I know he doesn’t. This is either a form of triangulation, or his new fiancé isn’t as good of supply as he wants her to be. Regardless, it is time to end this game with him. I have decided no more contact once again. No more responding to his texts, etc. I will only get hurt once again. I’m still trying to get past the hurt that he placed on me two years ago. I cannot go back to that again. I am ending the game now while I am still strong enough to.

        I have a few questions though.
        Why did he contact me?
        Why all the talk about intimacy?
        Is he truly happy with his fiancé?
        Why do narcassists get married and how are they able to stay married for so long?
        How am I going to cope on the day he gets married?
        How much longer before this nightmare ends? It has been two years!

        I know the answers to these questions. I just need support and validation that my answers are in fact correct!

        Christine

        Like

        • Carrie Reimer

          Christine, so sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your comment, if I leave the blog for even one day i get so far behind I have to dedicate a whole day to catching up and today is the day!\
          first of all congratulations on knowing what he is and not believing him, second congrats on knowing the only way to deal with him is to stop dealing with him and go no contact. He will suck you back in and hurt you any chance he gets. Even if you don’t want him back he still can damage your self esteem and make you doubt yourself. Who needs that kind of negativity in their life? It is like letting your worst enemy contact you whenever they need someone to make them feel superior. he is the exact opposite of what you thought he was, the man who loved you like no other and had your best interest at heart. The reality is he loathes you and would like nothing better than to destroy you. Nice! just what we all need in our life as if life isn’t hard enough. I don’t know about you but I pick my friends from people who treat me with respect and don’t lie to me or purposely hurt me.
          So to answer your questions:
          Why did he contact you? the same reason James contacted me 8 days after he got engaged; to hurt you. to try and suck you into the role of “the other woman” to hurt the new woman, because he has been so nice to the new woman he needed to make someone bleed. james contacted one of his ex’s 15 years after leaving town and not returning her calls. She fell for his line at first, oh he must have gotten such a huge ego boost from being able to suck her in again.
          Talk of intimacy? to see if he can get you into bed again? because they are warped sexually. he is trying to make you feel superior to the other woman in some way and then you will be easier to coerce into some sort of attraction to him again, he is trying to hook you into caring and wondering about what he is up to. he wants you thinking about him again and it is working.
          They get married because they don’t make a commitment, they can say I do and go sleep with another woman the next day, or that night for that matter. Marriage is a way of them getting something they want and it hurts the ex. They can stay in the marriage a long time if the woman is gullible enough to believe his lies. He manipulates her just like he manipulates everyone else.
          You are going to cope with the day he gets married just like you have coped with every other challenge he has presented to you. you will survive, who knows how you will cope but you will. Maybe you will cry all day but you will survive. The more you build it up in your mind the harder it will be. you are worrying about what might happen, stop. That is what he wants, You are afraid of something that will not kill you, that you night not even go through. He has you thinking about how he might hurt you. You have played right into his game to hook you again. Although you are saying you don’t want him back and know that you dodged a bullet you are consumed with thoughts of him and fearing he is going to hurt you. do you see how he did that?
          How long will it take to end? unfortunately you have had a relapse because you had contact from him and listened to him. You may have talked to him like you would any male friend but you weren’t totally healed, I don’t think it is ever safe to have contact with an ex N, they will always find a way to hurt you. and they are the best liars and will say anything to hurt you. He knows all your buttons and he will push them with glee!. When you get him out of your life for good, totally, change your number if you have to so you know you will never hear from him again so you know he is GONE!! with no chance of ever hearing from him again you will finish healing and the good will be able to get through to you.
          As long as the N is in our life to any degree the evilness of him hangs over your life like a cancer, tarnishing everything good in your life.
          Once you exorcise him from your life everything will be brighter and goodness will fill your life.
          I am not over James, I doubt I ever will be, how can someone hurt you, destroy you and you get over that? I don’t see how it is possible to “get over it.” I am thankful now because in the process of putting myself back together i found myself and came to really appreciate what who I am and the special person I am. I came to that realization about 2 1/2 years after James and I split. Now I would not talk to James for anything because I am afraid of the evil that surrounds him and I don’t want it any where close to my good life. Let him taint someone else’s life with his narcissism. I am done forever. He can rot in hell as far as I am concerned and I mean that. I have no desire to hear how he is doing or to pretend to be his friend.
          I value me so much more than that.
          Hugs and prayers to you
          Carrie

          Like

          • Christine

            Carrie,

            Thank you so much for your response

            I know you are right! I cannot wait for the day where I get to where you are. I pray for that day!

            Every now and then the cognitive dissonance sets in. It is so weird because I know exactly who he is. Trying to forget the good memories ( the ones that weren’t real) still haunt me sometimes.

            I do know that what he is doing is a form of triangulation. I also know not to get involved in his games because he will once again destroy me. I am NOT going back there ever again. That was pain that I do not wish on my worst enemy. I have never in my life felt pain like that.

            Therapy is helping me and I must agree that keeping myself busy is always best for me.

            But I will admit that I still have days where I get stuck on – why me? Why did he choose to target me? We had been good friends for ten years, why do that to a friend? I have to stop trying to make sense out of a situation that doesn’t make sense and it never will.

            You’re right when you say I should not be worrying about his wedding day. I have no idea what will happen between now and then. No one can predict the future. I will continue to stay strong and fight each day to get back to that strong, confident, independent woman I was before the narcassist! I will get there again and when I do I am going to throw the biggest party ever! LOL!

            I too wish for my ex narcassist to rot in hell. Msometimes I think even he’ll is too good for them. Karma needs to hit these people hard and I’m sure one day it will. I just he I am around to see it lol.

            Thanks for your support!

            Christine

            Like

            • Carrie Reimer

              Christine, I think there are many people who would agree with you! You are more than welcome, knowing I am helping others deal with the trauma and pain these axxholes cause makes it all worth while for me. It is what keeps me typing and has helped me get through it, knowing I changed the worst thing to ever happen to me into a positive has made it easier for me to heal.
              Hugs
              Carrie

              Like

  • Susan

    Christine,
    This is who they are, we the OW all mean nothing to them. They just put on a good show. Who ever it is, it just they meet their current needs. They contact you, for the attention, good or bad.
    It is a scary concept, after 2 years for him to contact you.
    I am 7 months out, and I don’t ever think he will contact me again. His new woman is his focus, as long as she stays with him, I am positive I will never hear from him.
    Hope she stays for eternity.
    Don’t let it bother you, I know it is hard, but when you listen and dissect all the other things the woman on this site said, the reality is we all had nothing, but a cheat lying piece of poop.
    Take care, do something fun for yourself.
    Susan

    Like

    • Christine

      Susan,

      Thank you for your response.

      Please do not think your ex will not contact you because he will. I was so nasty to mine at the end and pretty much called him out on all his shit. I never in a million years thought he would ever contact me again, and I mean ever! But he did! He even has new supply, a fiancé, yet he still coNtacted me!

      Even though I was no contact for two years, and had read all about not breaking contact, I still did. Mad at myself for that.

      Please be prepared, because he will come back. They are very patient and when they do come back, there will still be no apology, no remorse, just more games, manipulation, etc.

      Our only saving grace is that We are educated on who they are now and we can see right through them.
      Christine

      Like

  • Susan

    Christine,
    I am 99 percent sure he will never contact me again, we had broken up twice before and those times I knew he would be back, this time is different. I exposed him for all that he is and he has want he wants his cash cow to pay her way, someone to screw and is available to travel anytime.
    If you read my earlier comment, he also exposed me to STD’s, and i altered various government agencies about some illegal things I suspected he was involved in. As to whether these agencies act on that is another story.
    I know he won’t bother me, because his new lady, is with him and if she can tolerate the fact that he lied and cheated on her with me and he is passing the HPV Cervical Cancer Virus, she still there, so I am sure she will tolerate all the rest of his abuse.
    Pretty confident, no contact ever, I would never reply regardless.
    Good Luck
    Susan

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Susan, they can surface out of no where a year, 10 years down the road. Don’t be surprised if he pulls a curtain call. James and I were split a full year and no contact for most of it when he showed up where I was working, crying and full of false remorse. Be prepared.

      Like

  • Susan

    Carrie,
    Yes, it is true they can surface at anytime, but in my case, most likely not, unless she gets smart and leaves him. I think she is there for the long haul.
    Even if he does surface, there will be never a reply.
    Done,pretty much healed and enjoying my summer travels.
    Thanks Carrie,
    susan

    Like

    • Carrie Reimer

      Susan, you are still talking like narcissists are faithful. What makes you think he will wait for her to leave him before he screws around?
      Happy to hear you are healed already and enjoying your summer.

      Like

  • Susan

    Carrie, Frankly I Don’t care what the f he does, she does or. Who his diseased you know what is screwing. it is obvious he was never faithful to me, so I am sure he isn’t to her. Don’t care,
    I am not totally healed, because I have never experienced such an animal like him! but as the days and months go by! I am getting better! and figuring out life for me.
    Thank you,
    Susan

    Like

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