The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist




So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and JC fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not even look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you know it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist



During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt JC cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.



During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (James even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing. A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmed enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (James said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

level headed


During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and will believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels so superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

2,489 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. Chantal

    Hi Carrie

    You have described my current husband to a T, We have been married for 4 years and the cheating started 2 years go. he had an affair, got caught and told me that i didn’t make him feel wanted enough. I decided to work on our marriage and forgive him. We went to counseling and the therapist pulled me aside and told me to be careful he was a narcissist. here we are now, 2 years after i found out about his affair and little and behold he has been up to his old tricks. I have come to find out that he has had a fake email for 1.5 years, that he has had another affair last year in October and I just found out as well that he has been having a online affair with a woman. He, my husband is currently deployed but has managed to start up a affair with a woman. He told her he wanted to marry her, to buy a house for her. I am in shock. Not only is the whole situation crazy, but he is 15000 miles away serving our country. Now when all this started showing up, i asked him about it, he apologized, but then more kept coming out. I am dumbfounded and numb. He says he’s the worse husband in the world, that he is a horrible person and that he hates that he has hurt me so much. and with a flip of the tongue he said ” i don’t know if i want to be married to you anymore, i am scared you will hold this over my head” the words to describe what i am feeling are non existent.I am sure if he read your article, he would say.. “that’s exactly like my wife”

    I wanted to thank you for your article, I don’t feel so alone and this helps clarify a little bit of his pattern and behavior


    1. Joyce M. Short


      It’s truly wonderful that your husband is serving his country. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make him a good husband.

      He will not change. And you will be blamed for his failures.

      He had an affair because he wanted to. He simply also wants his relationship with you because it satisfies other needs for him. It probably gives him a sense of stability. He will try to get anything he wants, anyway he can, including making you feel his wrongdoing is your fault. That’s simply the way he is. He won’t change.

      He knows he has damaged your relationship and is trying to guilt you into expressing a commitment to him. That’s what that nonsense about “I don’t know if I want to be married to you anymore” is about. He says he’s the worst husband in the world because he knows he is, and so should you.

      You should run, not walk, for the exit door. Let him be someone else’s problem.

      He is a manipulator, and your situation will not get better.

      He has built a bonding mechanism with you. You will feel the tugs of guilt and second-guessing as you remove yourself from the relationship. Chalk them up to the hormonal withdrawal that he knows how to play with, and move on!



  2. Katie

    I am completely speechless right about now…I’ve been doing research for months now about how my relationship could be so dysfunctional and toxic. I’ve tried to rationalize in my head what I could be doing that is so wrong to be making my relationship be so destructive. I’ve often explored the possibility that my boyfriend is a N, but quickly dismissed the thought as me just trying to “put the blame on him”. After reading the stories, it seems as if some of the women have taken chapters out of my own life’s book. I too had met my boyfriend of two years on the internet.Our first meeting I later found out that quite literally everything he tried to tell me was a complete lie. He said he had two jobs, he had a car, had a house, didn’t do drugs, had custody of his kids, WAS DIVORCED!, and literally nothing he told me was the truth. He was homeless and jobless and lost custody of his children, and was severely addicted to drugs. I felt bad for him because here I had money and a job and a house and stability, and I tried to be the “night in shinning armor”. Shorty after we started dating I had my suspicions that he was being unfaithful, but he convinced me I was just being irrational and listening to the wrong people. Months go on with me taking care of his every whim, including his drug addiction. I started using drugs with him because he would convince me that it was the only way for us to have a good time and not fight. I quickly became broke and dependent on drugs. He would threaten to leave me at least once a week for about 2 years, and even though I knew he wouldn’t actually leave, he enjoyed watching me beg for him and promise impossible things such as money or cars or for me not to talk to my friends or family. He cut me off from the world. People I’ve known and cared for my entire life now gone because he didn’t want me talking to them, or even the father to my children (a different man), was no longer allowed around because he didnt “trust” me. The fights increased, then would subside for a while and back to that sweet charming man he was. Then they would increase and be worse then before. It had lead to be physical abuse only one time. He had accused me of cheating on him, it escalated, he tried to choke me, and i broke his fingers. I never meant to hurt him only defend myself, but when he filed criminal charges against me he made sure to play that victim roll so well. We had separated for a few months, and I felt free for a while, then right before time for trial he told me if I would take him back he would drop the charges..So I bit the bait, hook line and sinker. The mental abuse only worsened. it started to affect my job on a regular basis. i wasn’t allowed to speak to someone of the opposite sex. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I paid for his cell phone for a while until I caught him cheating on me with his “ex ” wife again, and quit paying. He convinced me the only way he would stay with me was if I got a house with his name on it. Even though he didn’t work and wasn’t helping with bills, I really believed it was the only way I could keep the love of my life by my side. Over the course of about a year, the police had been called to our house so many times I just quit counting, and just when I would think it couldn’t get worse, it would. I lost time with my children, my family. I was constantly in a state of anxiety because I was wondering what was next. Still addicted and roughly 30.000$ later decided to get clean. He knew as long as I was addicted to drugs he had leverage on me and boy would he use it. Threatened me with CPS, called my family and my friends, anything he could do to hurt me. When I decided to get sober I thought for sure I had enough. We had fought so bad I thought about killing him, no really, I was going to kill him in cold blood. I knew if I didn’t change something I would have.I felt like it was my only way out. I found God in my sobriety and it felt so amazing to me. For the first time I was clean and sober and with my new found faith I thought I could take on the world, until he made sure to snuff out that light. It seems the harder I tried the harder he tried to corrupt it. Before you know it he was cheating on me again. Actually left this time, but after a week came right back. The day he returned I found out he had slept with another woman that morning then came to me. And just like the other girls in this blog, he too had a sex fetish and was obsessed with obscene porn, he too would video us even if I didn’t want him to, so it really didn’t surprise me he would sleep with two girls in one day. However I did decide to get tested right after that and low and behold he gave me herpes. I still stayed like a good little faithful girl, I was fully convinced now that no one would ever want me and I had to be with him to survive. The cheating didn’t stop, the lies wouldn’t stop, and through it all he would tell me how horrible I was and how amazing he was. My family and friends begged me to leave, I would just shut them out.I told me dad one day if I didn’t get away from him something bad would happen, and it wasn’t a week later I was in jail. Charged with domestic batter. I pushed him as he threw my belongings out of our house and when I did I didn’t realize he was recording me on video..Never mind he had been pushing me around all night. I get out of jail and move out, hell even move out of state, thinking that would help me get away from him, but it didn’t. A week later I was right back listening to the same old “baby im sorry it wont happen again, ill change”. I’ve been back and forth with myself for about a month now as to if I should move back because hes really trying or if I’m just wasting my time…After reading these blogs I’m fully convinced that the man you speak of is my boyfriend… Thank you so much for opening my eyes just a little more for me today. Its things like this that I draw strength from and it gives me hope that yes, I can leave him for good.Thank for for sharing and allowing me to share, and I know this is a few years old but it does help… God Bless.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Katie, this post is old but all the comments aren’t old and it never matters how old they are, they happened and and we all got away, you can too!! You can get your family back, you can get your life back. He has you so beaten down and isolated you don’t realize how strong you are and what you have left. I know I went back so many times, sometimes because I felt sorry for him, sometimes because I didn’t think I could survive without him but in the end he discarded me and with a cruelty I didn’t think possible.
      Eventually he will have beaten you down so far it won’t be fun for him any more because you will shut off your emotions, you will be a zombie, a shell of the woman you once were. I remember thinking I have nothing to lose by going back, little did I know exactly how much I had to lose. You can always lose more of yourself. The physical abuse will escalate, it always does,.
      It is an addiction just like drugs and you can kick it just like drugs. \you just have to go no contact whatsoever, no texts, no social media, if you give him any crack he will squeeze through and bring you back down.
      This is not love Katie, he doesn’t love you, he is lying his face off, they are award winning actors who can cry on demand. Believe me I have heard it all right down to him having 6 months to live and he was asking me to marry him while he was living with 2 other women. |They are scum and they all got the same instruction manual on how to be a narcissist.
      Please keep reading and educating yourself, there is a wealth of knowledge here.


  3. Warren

    So much of what was said describes my EX wife. She cheated many times while we were married, so sad. We divorced in 2014, she already had a new man to move in with. I let her back in last June, I found out Saturday she was ready to cast me and our children aside again, she is having an affair with her coworker. I am done with her now I hope. I don’t understand how a narc can be so cruel and uncaring. We have young children together which makes staying away from the devil so hard, I feel helpless sometimes. I do have custody of our kids so keeping them shielded from there mothers destructive behavior keeps me going.


    1. Cindy

      I am so very sorry this happened to you. I was engaged to a man who I grew up with. We bought a house and I put in notice at my job, was going to sell my home and move to another city. I found out he was in another relationship the weekend we started moving. I had no idea. A month after I ended the relationship; he was with someone new, moved her in and now they are engaged. I just don’t understand people like that. Now I have shut myself off from everyone and it seems as if I’m just punishing myself. It’s a very lonely feeling because no one wants to hear it. Yes, I’ve gone through breakups but being deceived like this is something I can’t wrap my head around.


      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Cindy, keep reading and educating yourself on narcissists, they are sick, that is why you don’t understand them, they don’t act like normal people because they don’t have feelings like a normal person, no empathy, no remorse, no love. Yes it hurts like hell because the whole relationship was a lie, you can get through it but you need to learn as much as you can about them so you understand what happened to you.


    2. Janis

      Warren, thank you for your post. You are lucky that you have custody. My daughter’s narc is fighting her every step of the way even threatening her w taking the children, including the unborn baby, away.


  4. LeighAnn

    Hi. For years I almost wondered if my ex-fiancé was a narcissist. I fell in love with a man I thought was nice, reserved, sweet, passionate and affectionate, etc. Then 7 years later, we are engaged with a 1.5 year old son. There had sometimes been a lack of empathy that he possessed but I could not put my finger on it and assumed that he was just being a typical guy. Boy do I wonder now if that was a red flag I sensed that I should of listened to….should I have left earlier? Well last year, he broke up with me. 3 weeks before closing on a house and with our wedding partially paid for (a year out). He basically threw me out of the house – and I think he was mad I didn’t beg for him or plead to stay. He said the wedding and house are off, and you should leave tonight. So I did. Well, within days he changed the locks and denied me my belongings. Then about 3 weeks later started initiating court proceedings regarding custody/visitation regarding our 1.5 year old son. While he was doing this behind my back, he would still ask me to dinner, act like we were going to reconcile. When I found out about the court action, I was furious. And even before our hearing I asked him if there was any chance we could repair our family. He said no – I told him once we go to court, that’s it. Apparently he was advised to take me to court before I brought him – he was not insisting on custody, but wanted visitation to occur only when he wasn’t busy. He thought he’d go to court dictating a schedule that he picked with our child. I insisted on the typical every other weekend and one or two dinners per week – pretty standard. That’s what we ended up eventually agreeing on. Well, needless to say, he went out to tell people that I humiliated him in court, refused him access to his child, that I treated him like crap which is why he left me. He proclaims the reason be broke up with me was because I disrespected him and he couldn’t deal with my mouth. That’s because after we had a child, I worked full time and went to school while caring for an infant. He worked too but then he would have 3-4 per week to hang out with friend and enjoy playing sports, etc. I would sometimes complain that I never had a break and was always home. He would tell me that’s my role as a woman and if I have to take on the brunt of doing more at him, then rightfully so since he made more money or worked more hours per week than me. He would sometimes have 3-5 days off per week! Fast forward to more than a year later, and I see him 3 times per week to exchange our son. He constantly tells me he loves me, misses me, tries kissing me, groping me. You name it. We’ve fought like cats and dogs at certain times, other times I try to ignore. Even earlier this year, I bought my own house and he would constantly come over, as if we were back together but not really. I then caught him on dating sites and said no more. Went back to business as usual, even thru times of him constantly getting out of his visitations. Whether he had to work or go to the bar, or blow him off to be with a girl. A few months go by and we still argue badly, then he text messages me that he met someone he cares for. I do not respond or give him any satisfaction that it bothers me (when it was devastating). But all through this process I’ve stayed strong, taken care of our child, remained in school and worked. I got on my feet within 6 months and bought a house on my own, new car, etc. I think he hated that I seemed to be doing just fine, if not better without him. A week or so after he told me he met someone, I then met a nice guy. We were smitten immediately. Within a few weeks my N ex got wind of this and was acting as if he was devastated. He came begging me back and such. It caused problems in my new relationship and of course I still loved my ex. I would listen to him but not really take anything seriously. Especially since he would only break up with his current gf if I said we would be back together. So I just continued seeing my new bf and my ex wouldn’t stop. I then lost feelings for my new relationship and left him. I told my ex OK let’s get back together. He broke off things with his new gf. Or who knows at this point? A few weeks into reconciling it was beautiful and great I thought we could put the past behind us. Then I caught him with that ex gf. He denies it of course but at this point I’ve had it and want nothing to do with him. I even dropped off his stuff to the new gf that he left at my house from us being back together. She has still stayed with him. I pleaded with her to get him to leave me alone and nothing. He still bothers me, shows up, tells me he loves me and not her, that he cannot bare being with her and wants to be with me. I don’t know what to do to get him to back off – it’s disgusting him being with someone else all the while coming after me. I refuse him and just feel he has his new supply and probably cannot deal with me not giving into him. Why doesn’t he just move on and leave me alone? I feel constantly stressed out and emotionally abused by this man. I try to ignore him, block his calls, etc. But sometimes I fall victim to it and engage back with arguments and such. When will this ever end?


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Leighann, he will never stop on his own, you have to be the one to go totally no contact, block him on all social medial and emails. Do not discuss anything with him except your child and then only in very monotone and distant way. Yes, no answers etc.
      He keeps doing it because every once in a while you break down and respond, that is all he needs, he doesn’t care if the attention is anger, happiness, hate or love; it is all attention and he feeds off of it. He will always try to keep you down and in his control, every time you meet a new guy, every time you seem to be getting on with your life he will try to weasel back in, only long enough to screw up your plans and then he will be back to his old ways.
      Don’t try to make sense of his actions, they don’t make sense. You have to take control and end all contact, get rid of mutual friends that fill you in on his new life or him on yours and you have to stop telling him what is going on in your life. Don’t argue about him not showing up for his visitation, don’t negotiate, just keep track of every time he is a no show because some day he probably will go for custody; just to piss you off and get a reaction. You have to be one step ahead of him and have notes on everything, journal it all.
      Good luck


  5. Anon

    I’m glad I found this thread. I don’t want to bore you with the details of my life, but here’s a brief breakdown.

    -J and I started dating in our early teens. We loved each other and I even ended up moving in with him and his family when I was 18. He never supported my interests (community service) and never congratulated on me on any accomplishments.
    -I had a lot of friends in my service org. He thought I was cheating on him so he broke it off with me and kicked me out. I found a rebound within my organization a few weeks later, after notifying J that I wanted to date.
    -J was extremely angry and mean, sent me pictures of condoms he was going to use on his ex, “random bitches”, etc. needless to say, I was crushed.
    -He ended up with his ex and then some other dumb girl who were both WAY below any standards I thought he had. I ended up staying with my guy for almost two years.
    -His destructive behavior led him to getting into a very serious motorcycle accident. He almost died and was rehabbing for a long time. As soon as I heard about his accident, I reached out to him. He had asked me to help him bathe (as he claimed him mom would not) and I started seeing him again. I did become unfaithful to my boyfriend at the time. J was also reaching out to my boyfriend and threatening him, talking trash, saying that he would get me back from him. After lots of emotional conversations with my boyfriend, i ended up breaking up with him to keep J in my life.
    -Fast forward and we are back into our relationship. Things are going great with us. We hit the 2.5 year mark with our continued relationship and in total, we have been together 9 years (including high school and before we broke up the first time). He has changed. He comes to service projects with me, supports me at events, lets me know how proud he is. He tells my sister that I am his future wife and he indicates to close friends that he is saving up for a house and a ring.
    -We continue in our happy relationship until I mention going to graduate school and moving away. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, has never loved anyone as much as me, etc. He becomes cold after coming over for family dinners, wining and dining me, making love to me, etc. He only gets cold in the beginning of October.
    -He just broke up with me mid-October because he “didn’t have time for a relationship” and wanted to work on school. He swears up and down to me, my family, my friends, and his family that he is not seeing anyone.
    -He avoids me but then hooks up with me one night. He then blames me and says it was a mistake. That the only good thing in the relationship was sex (it was great but that wasn’t the only amazing thing about it!).
    -He goes to Chicago for work. I had my suspicions and I find in his email pictures of him and his girlfriend (who he has been seeing since September) and that he took her there for her birthday. He denies everything, blames me everything, calls me crazy for finding the photos and never fesses up. He threatens to press charges against me for getting into his email address, though he knew I’ve had the password for over 5 years. He tells me how much they have in common and how our relationship was over in September, though it clearly was not.
    -After multiple attempts to have an adult conversation, me speaking with his friends and family, I finally reach back out to him and tell him that I’m not stupid and I know he wasn’t working. I just want answers at this point.
    -He sends me a quick message on Snapchat (which I should have screen capped), saying that he’s been talking to her since September.
    I want to meet with him and get answers and make him feel my pain. He has told me that he is “with” this new girl now and I needed to stop trying to break them up. I don’t know what to do at this point, but I guess I’m looking for some advice. He sure seems to fit the bill of a narcissist, and I fear that he is one.
    Any thoughts on moving forward? I gave this man half of my life and don’t want to leave. I wanted to get married to him and have children, but everyone is telling me to drop him and be happy.

    What do you think?


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Anon, what do I think? I don’t think you need anyone’s opinion, from the sounds of it he has made the decision for you. You have no choice. He told you to leave him alone and he is with someone else. I don’t know what you want us to think. That seems pretty clear to me.
      It doesn’t matter if he is a narcissist or not; he has asked you to leave him alone. Have some pride and stop contacting him. Yes you spent a lot of years with him, but that did not guarantee forever, we all wanted certain things from the relationship that we didn’t get. None of us wanted the relationship to end, to be abusive, we ALL wanted rainbows and happy ever after, but life sucks sometimes and we don’t get what we want.
      I learned a long time ago, you can’t make someone love you if they don’t. (Hey there is a song about that isn’t there?) and the harder you try to further you push them away.
      We feel panicked when we lose the one we love and we want to fix it, we want answers, we want him to be sorry and we try everything we can to get those things and all we end up doing is making fools of ourselves and losing all self respect and driving him into the other woman’s arms even more. We end up making her look good because she is all sweet and loving, why would he want to be with the psycho stalker ex girlfriend? You are making him look really good to the new woman, she is thinking “If she is this broken up about losing him, he must be a real catch. I am going to make sure I hang on to this one!!” He is getting off on the attention you are giving him, I mean what an ego booster to have you calling and begging for answers and for him to feel your pain.
      Who knows why he dumped you, you were going off to graduate school, maybe he didn’t want you leaving, maybe he didn’t trust you, it really doesn’t matter because knowing why is not going to change the facts, he wants you out of his life. period.
      Now, if you want him back the best way to do that is to go no contact and get on with your life. But it is also the best thing for you to do either way. I never suggest no contact so a person can get the narc back, but I am not even sure your ex is a narc. BUT if he is a narc, no contact is the only way to start to heal and get on with your life. So that is my advice, go no contact and stop talking to friends and family about him, stop checking his facebook, block him on all social media, do not answer his texts or calls; give him what he asked for. \it is the only thing you CAN do.
      We are here for moral support if you need us.


    2. Nemo

      OMG if you hadn’t said Chicago I would have thought we were talking about the same J! RUN! ..but don’t expect to be happy, not for a while, but if you stay you will never be happy in the long term and you will never get any answers except from other people here.

      Going back to ex’s is a feature of these people. My ex kept doing it and would only come back to me when he got bored of them or if I was with someone else and he was insanely jealous. He seems to recycle the same women over and over, including his current wife, who he has married and divorced repeatedly; dumped for another old ex, one who has so few morals she was screwing him years ago when his wife was pregnant, his wife is devastated, she kept taking him back over and over and although a bit of a narc herself he has completely destroyed her. Luckily I am watching from the sidelines now.


  6. Jenny

    They are really sick people. They need to go to another planet, so they can’t hijack our God-given time. That’s what really upsets me–they have wasted my time because I had no frame of reference, for who they really were, when I got sucked in. No idea if what type of monster, I was dealing with. I think they have been acting their entire lives, and always have gotten away with it, leaving a trail of broken people.
    My N had several young girls living at his house at different times. Things were always re-arranged, pillows, etc.
    Since he stayed with me a lot, and I worked a lot, it took me awhile to figure out what he was doing. They were moving things around on purpose because I was still in the picture. I didn’t know it, but he was telling them what a pain I was, and that I wouldn’t go away. The juggling got so stressful for him, he finally had to lock them out of his house. I wondered at the time why he was changing locks. He acted like the victim and said they were disrespectful, and we’re eating all of his food. That’s really sick, after I kept getting hurt, wondering who was in his house. They would call in Spoof numbers to communicate, so I would think someone else was calling. I am messed up from it to this day. He ignored me sexually, then, and I still feel unattractive to other men because of it. It really took a toll on my perception of myself, and relationships. I don’t want to get fooled again, or hurt on that level, so I just shut down to all of it. I know now that he had women in my house, when I was at work. He would get in hook–up sites, and meet women continuously. I tried to help him when I met him, with his day to say functioning(he is an alcoholic) but he exploited me, used me, and the worst part, said he never did anything to me. The WORST type if person to get caught up with. They are the sickest!!!


    1. alive61

      That sounds about right. I went through the same thing . Took me a while to figure out why my things were always moved around. Hair in my bathrooms that was not mine. Butt prints on my covers. My jewelry missing. They are toxic people. You’re not crazy. Be well!


    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jenny, I found your comment really interesting. You say that the relationship really took a toll on you and your relationships, affected how you perceive yourself, sexually and because of that you have shut down on all levels. What a shame you would do that to yourself.
      YET! at the very end you wrote
      “I tried to help him when I met him, with his day to day functioning(he is an alcoholic) but he exploited me, used me, and the worst part, said he never did anything to me.”

      I am not blaming you for your own abuse but do you not see what you just said? When you first got with him you knew he was an alcoholic because you state that you tried to help him function day to day. A person has to be a pretty bad alcoholic to not be able to function day to day without help. That to me would be a HUGE red flag that you should have run the other direction. You set yourself up to be used and exploited and do you really think he is going to admit to it?? Not likely anyone would especially if he is an alcoholic.

      I really think you need to find a good therapist who can help you figure out why you feel all you deserve is a barely functioning alcoholic, were your parents alcoholics? was there abuse in your home growing up? Someone at some point in your life made you feel you have to fix everyone and if you do they will love you and that you aren’t worth being loved unless you do something to earn it.

      You might find my new private website helpful, we are focusing on inner peace, setting boundaries and being the best me we can be instead of what we have been told our whole lives. it’s a flat $15 for a lifetime membership until the 1st of 2016 and then it will be a monthly fee to join. Just a thought.

      I hate to see you shut yourself off from ever finding healthy love when it is totally within your control to change the men you choose to bring into your life.


  7. Maryanne

    hi carrie i need help. been with this guy for a year. started out great but after awhile he learnt about my past (been in 4 different relationships before him within a span of 6 years and moved on pretty quickly between some of them). he wanted a break up but i pleaded with him saying i had changed. he lies about the tiniest thing. i have a son from a previous relationship and he told me to break off all communication with the dad if i wanted the relationship to continue. i did that and i think he is cheating on me with an old colleague. he says the lady is just interested in him but there is nothing between them yet i found love cards from this woman but he still denied being in a relationship with her. i moved in with my son 3 months ago and everything changed. he is so cold and unloving. everytime i bring up an argument he brings up my past and says he aint sure if he can completely forget about it. when i ask him anything about our future he says he doesnt know and needs infinite time to think. i wanna quit but afraid of the shame and how he has bonded with my son and his family loves me. help


  8. Gypsy Sally

    I’m a mess.
    I’m on again off again engaged to a female narcissist(yes 2 women). It’s the same old sorry story as everyone else though…I ended my long marriage and put myself into the dating world, ready to be honest about my sexuality and find real happiness. She came out of nowhere, and swept me off my feet. I never felt to desirable and amazing. She had been through some bad marriages and this was all new for her too. Anyway, it was intense, exciting and so much fun to have a best friend like her and be in love. She blindsided me with a marriage proposal a few months into our relationship…it wasn’t even legal in our state yet! I said yes, so honored and feeling on top of the world. I threw caution to the wind , sold my house and bought us one to share hours away from my friends and family. We blended our families together, our kids love each other tremendously. It was a beautiful thing. There were some hiccups along the way; signs of jealous and controlling behavior, but also a deep emotional intimacy.
    The crazy-making began in earnest. I became a “leech”, so to speak. After discarding ALL of my friendships and interests and adopting hers, I became a burden. I also became ill with an autoimmune disease and my finances were in bad shape. She made a new “friend”. Someone fun and exciting. This new friend replaced me in everything my fiancé and I used to do together. She wanted me to go out of town so she could hang out all night with her new friend. She told me it wasn’t sexual, but now she wanted to find a man to be with as well.
    I was destroyed. Discarded. I began to rebuild some old friendships while still hoping that my relationship could heal. I asked her to leave for awhile, for some space. She did, but popped in whenever it suited her. She rubbed my face in her new exciting life on social media.
    We took one last trip together. As “friends.” It went well. Simultaneously, SHE was discarded by her new bff. She needed me again. Suddenly, she “loves” me again, but never lets me get too comfortable. Keeps me on my toes. I’m the best thing ever, and the worst person in the world, all in the same day. She rages. Is cruel. Then brings me flowers and professes her love. She gave me back my engagement ring after taking it away, then 2 days later, accused me of not having time for her because I had an obligation to my child’s preschool when she wanted me to meet her for breakfast. She is currently attempting to destroy the woman who discarded HER, publicly on facebook and seems to be loving every second of it.
    The writing is on the wall, yet I stay. I placate her and cry when she’s cruel. I think about leaving, at the same time, apologizing for upsetting her. I want to love myself more than this. Really, I want her to change, but I know it isn’t going to happen. I’m heartbroken, for myself and my children. We all walk on eggshells.
    I’m a mess.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ray

    I am stuck living with a female narcissist because I had a gap in employment. Until things open up it work wise it makes me unable to move out of the house. She is 7 years older than me and very much more financially stable then I am. At first she was exactly as you state in phase 1. Everything else true as well. Every single time I insert logic into a disagreement it’s like I’m holding a cross up to a vampire. The minute I put everything on the table logically clear she gets frustrated and her entire argument just dies and she reaches for the next thing to dislike. She has zero empathy. Says the most disrespectful things and never ever admits not even one wrong or responsibility. She plays victim every single time and either spins her behavior’s cause as me or just entirely claims perfect innocence. She’s pushed me out of the bedroom into a seperate bedroom, now all the way downstairs to a different bedroom which was my choice to be as far away as possible being I can’t move out yet. Said she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore which hurt, but fine with me. My therapist told me mostly what was said here and also how oblivious she appears and to appear to have feelings that she really knows exactly what she’s doing in trying every way to hurt me further. Therapist told me avoid her like the plague zero contact and wherever she is in the house not to be there. I have been doing this. I don’t understand why if I have her all figured out and have distanced myself so much and grew to dislike her why I still get so hurt and down? Also why she gets very upset when I say to steer clear of me when she’s the one who pushed me away? Chime in at any time lol please answer my questions and give me a gameplan to help me get some confidence and happiness back while here until I can leave please thank you.



Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s