The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

 

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Welcome!

So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and JC fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not even look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you know it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist

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Idealization

During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt JC cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.

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Devaluation

During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (James even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing. A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmed enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (James said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

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Discarding

During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and will believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels so superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

http://ladywithatruck.com/2014/01/30/search-terms-on-narcissists/

http://ladywithatruck.com/xmlrpc.php

http://ladywithatruck.com/abuse-can-be-subtle-and-deadly/

http://ladywithatruck.com/2013/08/15/whats-in-a-name/

http://ladywithatruck.com/2013/11/01/did-heshe-ever-love-me-2/

2,160 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. Chris

    Thanks for following up…….much needed and appreciated. What a breath of fresh air to have someone speak to me without pulling any punches. There are specific times when a person needs a kick in the pants or bucket of cold water dumped on their head…….thanks…..

    let me start by answering your questions…..Then, I have some questions you can probably shed some light on………..

    kids are now 7 & 8…. we dated almost 8 years, living together for 5 of them before marrying…. kids were born 2 1/2 & nearly 4 years after marriage, respectively….Irish twins! I realize these personality disorders are not suddenly developed overnight……. Everything was great for most of first 15 years,…. obviously, I failed to acknowledge the earliest of warning signs, or even worse, encouraged and nurtured their growth….willingly being conditioned over time….I don’t look back and feel as if I had my head in the sand and really got worked over or anything. I accepted her and loved her the way she was……..we are all flawed and have shortcomings- this is probably where me being such a willing co dependent was born,…..we met and started dating in college; early 20’s…..we didn’t do enough growing or maturing together or personally, either of us…..we owned a pizzeria in a college town, we worked hard and managed to stay young….feeling young…our surroundings for 11 years didn’t change much….by the time we started having kids as 30 yr olds we were living our lives like much younger adults….we were successful and life was fun….the roaring 20’s, our own version of the roaring 20’s…..we didn’t have much acrimony between us the whole time- I now know, our lack of proper problem solving and failure to continue to grow in important areas like communication were dooming us……our fights/disagreements/arguments/disgruntled periods always followed the same routine- regardless who was bent out of shape or who had a grudge…..one of us would be upset- than the next day the other would be upset- then the next day it was swept under the rug; over and done with…..not healthy. As I’m recounting history while typing- I can see how one major fault was developed……we spent recklessly..vacations- and living a fun life, as opposed to staying debt free and accumulating wealth and security–years 12-14 we never were able to get on same page financially….Now we had kids and we were overdue to take finances serious and be adult about how we were living…this was a major rift….at this time, I came across the ‘Dave Ramsey Show’, he preached getting rid of debt, and building wealth….it made lots of sense to me…It was easy to see we squandered great opportunity to get it right…..but we had what it took to reverse course to become debt free, establish financial security and build wealth…….this is where our skills, err…..lack of skills in the communication dept and problem solving dept doomed us…..first we were pregnant, than we had a baby, then we were pregnant again, then we had another baby…….In the meantime—things changed w/ the economy and locally.. after 8 consecutive years of doing better every single quarter, year after year, continued growth….business didn’t plateau…it dropped– we got out unscathed and sitting pretty…leaving our college town headed for home…..while we met in college, we grew up basically in same area….neighboring towns/ schools…had mutual friends…..so we headed home with two beautiful kids, a decent amount of currency and debt free….for the most part…..household budget, spending and all that still had not been ironed out some 3-4 years later…….This probably fits the bill as no longer having any use- easily discarded…..the free, wild days of spending and doing whatever we wanted was over….time to be adults…… heres the whacky thing…when we moved home, we started making more money than ever before……..but, there is always a butt, right? our friends, ….large group, we all knew each other many years….lots of kids around same age……they were of a different ilk financially…. I think envy of the way most everyone was living took its fair toll….Our family backgrounds were very similar to one another, blue collar….hard work….solid middle class…..lots of our friends came from financial backgrounds that were further developed….they were wealthy, most of them….different atmosphere….here we are not cooperating or agreeing on finances…..and we’re surrounded by mucho success…big difference between being successful in a college town and a major metropolitan area…big difference….so, free spending days are over……and this is where distinct changes occur…….she became very critical of me in every way shape and form……most of it didn’t have any merit at all, ridiculous stuff……for starters making awesome money while working maybe 1/3 as much……working from home…..criticizing me, while drinking wine and smoking cigarettes…..accomplishing nothing…..she threw in the towel…..stopped cooking- awesome cook- stopped cleaning- while im making tons of money, especially considering the hours….I would spend sooooooo much time doing stuff that didn’t earn money….grocery shopping, dropping kids off at school, picking up…..I failed to man up boundary wise and insist on doing things differently…. She was always outspoken and never failed to communicate what she was thinking….you would know….she didn’t hold back at all, a straight shooter—-She shut down verbally…….
    here is a theory…….I feel like her mom had focused here passive aggressiveness onto her brother…..he broke away from her control…..mom focuses PA on to her father……at this point, mom is in her 70’s and absolutely hates her grown son and her husband….wanted to divorce at age 73 & 75…..we had our annual family vacation with a bunch of friends and their families at beach resort…been doing it for 10 years…..with kids and extended families….40-50 strong….. July 2012, a week with friends and family at the beach….at this point, I’m peaking in my new profession that I’m roughly 2 years into (real estate investing) ….. while on vacation had 3 closes….where a mobile title agent delivered documents to us….. while vacationing, cashing a couple of serious checks…..have 100’s of pictures w/ 1000 watt smiles….all is great……had a personal and family state of the union a few months prior where we acknowledged how well things are going for us….our kids were healthy, happy, fun and everthing a parent could want…..we had just as much passion in our mid to late thirties as we did in our early 20’s……that’s a sign right there….the passion covered for other shortcomings…. So, after a week, we go back home and my wife and her mom, and our 2 kids take 10 hour road trip to visit for a week, her brother and his family…….her mom didn’t wanna go….her mom and her bro no longer got along….. -side note- I had an unusual relationship w/ my mom in law, we always got along- terrifically…..coincidentally, when I first started dating my wife, she hated her father…he was outta work and she couldn’t hide her disdain for him…. anyway, they go on week long road trip………and…drum roll…10XXX drum roll…..here I am…..its been 2 1/2 years…came back a hurricane, tornado, mudslide, tsunami, nor’easter, typhoon and lots of other volatile….oh yeah, mean as a rattle snake on a gravel road in the searing noon day sun….all rolled up into one……. no communication….full blown personality disorder……..is it possible, she was overcome w/ poison from her mom who no longer was being supplied by her brother and her father???? I know the traits and characteristics are deep rooted to childhood……can they be kinda dormant…playing second fiddle to passive aggressive– which I know I was all too willing and accepting…..never feeling the pinch in first 12 years……..can only look back and realize some PA acts….they were benign…..50 X we set out to go to dinner and a movie….we both loved dining out…I loved the movies……50 times we missed the movie and ended up in a bar……I realize that- I didn’t begrudge that fact……when we sold our restaurant and decided to move home…..I stayed behind for a few weeks to transition new owner…..went to movies about every day by myself……read barely any books in 11 years, 11 months and 19 days while owning restaurant…..5 1/2 years since…..I’ve read 100’s of books….going from one to the next…always….
    I’ve been wondering if I’m displaying PA traits and or narcissistic traits…..do you pick up any of that?

    considering kids are in 2nd and 1st grade respectively…..no contact is difficult….I must say, I feel way different now…..that I smashed the round peg into the square hole….giving myself answers and closure…even if im fooling myself…I feel better about it…..
    just this evening…she is hosting kids….son had lacrosse practice….daughter not feeling too well…I had a water bottle in my car he wanted….I said I’d bring it to practice…she says to me….I’m quoting exactly…”Its such a colossal waste for us both to go…..can’t you just take him”? after momentarily being speechless, I said I would take him…..and made a boo boo and engaged…..asking if this is what she considers a “colossal waste” how would you describe the last few years? she hangs up…..calls back and says, “I’ll take him, I cant count on you for anything” and hangs up…….I texted her, another boo boo, that the whole exchange didn’t make sense……she then called back and clarified her statement…..wow, that’s a rarity…….saying she needs to be strong and do herself what needs to be done…… that she didn’t mean any harm towards me w/ the comment…… even w/ a narc ex, I’m pretty self destructive…..aren’t I? Pretty close to being my own worse enemy……

    to continue answering your questions…..Yes, I am guilty as charged w/ lying to myself……ignoring warning signs and even more guilty for letting boundaries get blurred or wiped out entirely……not unwittingly,,,kinda in a self destructive- “I told you so” kinda way….just failed to be strong enough to go against the grain…..booooooo on me….

    Mea culpa, Mea culpa, Mea mother f’ing culpa…..when it comes to willingly engage at this point…as well as attempting to reason w/ her…..and unfortunately, regretfully, I most definitely have not taken care of myself and been strong for kids and myself…..I know I’ve been irrational, emotional which lends credence to being unstable…..I believe I’m better equipped to change these aspects now…more than ever before… too often I’m not calm and let negative thoughts, vibes and actions dominate my mood…again…with acknowledging these shortcomings, identifying triggers/causes & situations related to ill tempered projections….awareness…self awareness and situational awareness- two basic tools I didn’t have good sense to employ yesterday, that I can now apply to tomorrow and beyond….is a step in right direction…Loving and caring…….these are some of my redeeming characteristics…my strengths…which I will continue to water and feed and grow……. they know I love them and I care…I’m proud of the way I handle expressing my love and showing my care……….I will continue to let that be the defining backbone of day to day life…….as good a foundation as any….I always reaffirm simultaneously that their mom loves them too….and am careful to let them know it is cool to want to go to moms, and door is always open to come to me and to leave for moms…..little boys need their moms, little guys need their dads….little girls need their moms…..little girls need their dads….they know I believe they need and deserve mom and dad every day….Is this being passive aggressive- because I know damn well, they go through stretches always….w/ no contact w/ mom……she cant be bothered w/ daily check ins…..pisses me off….they also know I go to great lengths to see them and talk to them every day…..on mornings I don’t host, I volunteer at school in drop off loop just to see them into school…..every practice, every game……I’m broke…..Kids know they can expect me to be there and as sure as water is wet, I am……I’m also proud of the way I identified the hostile, aggressive attempts at blocking access and took the bull by the horns……..not happening…..I may not have two nickels to rub together…….bond between dad and kids is my end all be all, gloves come off at that…..

    When I have my moments with boundaries and not letting her get away w/ two different sets of rules….holy shit….her head rotates and she talks like the devil……that’s a big difference between us…..I tend to fight off perceived slights with righcheousness and volume and passion….saying it out loud and putting it in print….meaning what I say, saying what I mean…even though it is too often much too colorful and loud and probably not good for the overall cause……am I being narcissistic by insisting on saying out loud and putting into print what I see, and feel…..????? If I would have bitten my tongue the last two plus years, I probably would have had a stroke by now……instead, I’m supplying her narc needs, right???? in spite of myself and my cause………..dummy…..I often describe myself as a big dummy, just a big dumb animal….set a bear trap, put a pork chop in the middle……even though I know its gonna hurt…No pork chops left behind, is my motto!!! and she knows it…and I stet in every set trap like its my job,…..gotta change…there is that awareness thing…….I have to, I will change this…..

    therapy????? This is it…… I was very fortunate to come across a counselor who helped me tremendously..specifically in the blaming dept….err…accepting my role that I played in the destruction….
    I ran outta money so long ago……….she really helped me,..steering me towards my own conclusions….
    much like your blog is….
    Hey, I’m trying to set a record for longest post……what do I have to beat???

    I’m guilty of letting the negativity and toxicity take all wind out of my sails….stunting any momentum or progress…….one of the biggest faults and errors I made……still prone to make…..that and not taking care physically and financially…….I rationalize my finances on shitty truthful circumstances……..being broke financially compounds every problem…….poor physical condition, the failure to eat and sleep properly is self destructive and ive tolerated it, rationalizing and accepting the behaviors…….awareness gotta get my mojo back…….standing 8 count, Gatorade bath…..pat on the back, kick in the nuts…..I need to wake up and get stronger, have a gameplan and execute it……funny, I’ve always relied on passion and emotion to work towards lofty goals as positive influences, believing “nothing great has ever been achieved w/o enthusiasm and passion being part of the equation” these same attributes are the roots to tripping me up…..calm, cool and collected….need to take precedence—-at least for now….

    I feel as if I’ve had a healthy love for myself…..I know I definitely have a tendency to harp on the negative and am known for really, I mean really…beating a dead horse senseless- to a fault. awareness.

    I believe I am both an optimist and a realist if that is possible…….I can accept the facts as they appear, as they’re presented…… I’m only now connecting all the dots, fitting all the pieces together, finding missing pieces to complete the puzzle…only recently…….things are more clear for me…..I can accept, I can change and I will get revenge….the best revenge……even if it saps the very last breath outta me….the best revenge is to live well……that’s my intention….

    two concerns/questions: make that 3…whattya think about my mom in law, bro in law, dad in law theory of everthing being dumped into a fatal bite….as the last straw to change her…..I’m telling you, I don’t know this person….unable to tell the truth if her own eyesight depended on it…at least to me…its shocking….I never knew her to be a liar…..cover something up over 15-16 years….I can buy that, but being famous, err infamous for saying what needs to be said,..straight….now I cant believe anything….cracks me up when she utters a phrase like “trust me”…..never used it before…..has said it a few times lately….I engaged and stopped her saying that we both know whatever she’s about to claim is bullshit…..that phrase “trust me” really means….duck, here comes a whopper….
    next: I have healthy fear of winding up in her crosshairs in a very evil/sinister way if and when I successfully deflect her bullshit
    lastly: considering I have ability to conceptualize what the hell is happening, and I cant achieve true no contact because of kids’ ages……….. I know this is counterintuitive, for the kids sake….so as they don’t fall victim to her like I believe she did her mom…I stay engaged? is this narcissistic of me to even think possible?????

    after this rambling on…..I feel crazy! Narc in my life is on point….Dooom on me! nah, like a duck….ill learn to take the hits, letting them roll right off of me……..

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  2. Eve

    I am now in the “Discarding” phase for the 3rd time. How true that the cycle gets worse each round. I have always found him an excuse the first 2 times when i found out he cheated. But the 3rd time is clear that something is seriously wrong with this man who is my husband. We have children and it breaks my heart to have to take them away from their father even though he was mostly an absent parent. I am praying for God’s strength to be able to leave him for my own good.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Eve, if you can’t do it for your own good, then do it for the children. It is not a good idea to stay together for the kids. Your kids need to have a strong woman role model or you are setting them up for the same type of relationship when they get older. I don’t know if you have boys or girls but either way, do you want your sons to grow up thinking this is the way to treat a woman and if you have a girl, would you wish this kind of relationship on her? Your children deserve to have a happy healthy mom, not one consumed with her husbands infidelity, stressed, walking on egg shells and unhappy. Don’t even try to tell me the kids don’t know, that you never let them see you upset. Children are extremely perceptive and they know a whole lot more than we give them credit for. You don’t even know how unhealthy you are because you are so enmeshed in all the drama and chaos that goes along with being married to a narcissist. It has become “just the way it is” , the emotional roller coaster every victim of a narcissist rides takes a huge toll on everyone in the house.
      I lost track of how many times I left (was discarded) and went back, I had resigned myself to the fact that it was just the way we were, like he said, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you.’ Well, one day he didn’t come back to me, well he did; he was with someone else by then and tried to suck me into “the other woman” role. Thank God I had enough self respect to not stoop that low. But I didn’t know about narcissist when I was with him, I didn’t know he couldn’t change, I didn’t know they are all pathological liars. I was naive with a capital S (for stupid) and that is why I have this blog, to give other victims the benefit of my experience so that women know to get out now and there is a wonderful life waiting for them if they just get away from the soul sucking vampire that is trying to drain the life out of them and destroy them.
      You CAN do it and you ARE strong enough, and your kids deserve to know the real you, the happy you, the kids deserve to be happy.
      Keep reading and comment as often as you need. We are here, you are not alone.
      Hugs

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  3. Amanda

    I am in the “discarding phase”. For the second time. This describes him and our relationship to a T! This article left me feeling sad but mostly angry.. I feel like I can’t live without someone in my life that abuses me. So pathetic.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Amanda, keep reading and educating yourself on these soul vampires, there is life after a narcissist; if you can stay away long enough to think clearly. Keep getting angry, keep knowing you deserve better and to be happy. It is never too late to change your life for the better. Instead of thinking “pathetic” or in other words, “hopeless, helpless, weak, and any other negative self defeating words you have been repeating to yourself in your head try repeating ” I am strong, look at what I have survived in this relationship”, “I am a loving, caring and intelligent person”, “I am capable of caring for myself” “I do not need a man to know that I am lovable and valuable”. After awhile the narcissist doesn’t even have to tell the victim they are worthless and deserve to be abused because the victim is telling themselves that all the time, all day long, every day and it gets so ingrained in your mind that you start to believe you can’t live without him and you deserve the hell you live everyday.
      Well it is all lies, and you can change how you feel about yourself by changing what you tell yourself. Keep reading and educating yourself, there is more to leaving a narcissist than just walking out the door. That is the easy part, the hard part is convincing yourself that you don’t need his approval to exist or that unless he tells you that you have value, you are worthless.
      Even if you don’t believe you are strong enough to live without him, start planning your life without him, visualize yourself strong, contact a woman’s shelter or your local DV support group, take a yoga class, join a gym, anything just for YOU.
      We are here to support you all the way. You just have to trust that there is still a sun shining out there past the black cloud the narcissist has kept you shrouded in.
      Hugs

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  4. fee

    I wasn’t going to comment since the post of him finding comments if he googles my name. I never used my real name on here or my Hotmail…but he knows the name I used as I sent him emails ..so I guess he knows what am saying. I think I give him a big enough head when I missed him…now I know am sorted and good am glad I stuck by my guns and didn’t meet him. He is nothing to me anymore.
    However, I wanted to share with some women on here the differences between staying and going. I had my son in August, I already had 4 children from my marriage that lasted 18 yrs and I was happily divorced from for 8 yrs. I didn’t want more children, but the ‘narc’ had other ideas and without going through it all I kept my son. To the dismay of everyone. When I say I did it alone I totally mean I was alone, I was ashamed of being 40 pregnant and not married, lost my job and had nothing to give my son…I was a wreck. I decided I needed help, I went and got myself help but they took over. I was assessed after 22 yrs of being a great mother, my relationship with ‘narc’ had me question every aspect of my being. After the social workers and health visitors assessed me, I got a glowing report of being a mother. The advice was…my son would only be put at risk if the ‘narc’ was involved. I was not to meet. I battled so hard, I loved that ‘narc’ and he betrayed me. When he was emailing me telling me he wanted a part of it he was sleeping with others. Carrie and Ellie was the only 2 women who I came to chat to, they showed me it was all show and to stay tough….I did. I crumbled and was a mess but slowly step by step I got through it alone.
    Now, this is what would have happened if I had not listened….(this as happened to a lady who I have been watching her story on fb). I would have gone back, felt loved for a night, week, month or two…then felt something wasn’t right….go play detective AGAIN…get called mental for not trusting, find out about the other women, dating sites, phone calls, internet porn, sex meetings…you name it….accept its my fault, stay….pattern repeated as no one else understands…get warned from social services if he plays a part I lose kids, keep the meets secret….LOSE MY KIDS AND THEN ASK WHY…..this is what happened to the lady who just couldn’t grasp it was nothing special…he as now left her again…a mess with no kids…beaten up and broken….but she is waiting on HIM…..

    That is the difference between me and her, no matter what my kids come first. I know about the special bond, the sex, the attraction…but I also know every woman he meets will say the say….so then…its nothing special…its FAKE…I grew some sense….and I kept him away….made the hard choice at the time…but its paid off. He stopped paying his £10 a week as I wouldn’t fall for it anymore…I KEPT MY KIDS.

    Do the right thing ladies, keep reading and learning but never put a man infront of your children…its a decision you will come to regret.

    How did you get on Carrie xx

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Fee!!! YOu have been on my mind a lot lately, I was wondering how you were getting on. I know you were trying to cut out spending too much time on the net and didn’t want to you to feel you needed to comment but I am so glad you did. You send a very valuable message and you are so right. Ellie and I were both so afraid you would believe him and we knew it would be a disaster. I got tears in my eyes reading your comment just now; i am so proud of you and the strength you have shown. How is your back? little Jacob? You sound wonderful! I am so happy you are on the other side and can look back now without doubt and be at peace. Thank you for commenting. I am well and still waiting for my funding but I am not stressing about it, what will be will be and things will unfold as they should when they should. I am thinking of moving closer to my son and granddaughter if school doesn’t work out and he is going to help me build a tiny house on wheels.
      Happy, healthy and hopeful. :)
      Big hugs to you and the wee one.

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  5. Cherrypop

    Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Finding this site has made me realise I’m not the crazy one – but then I always knew it, I’d just forgotten it for a while.
    I have just been discarded by a N – my partner of nearly 5 years in just the way described. The thing is, a year in I had my suspicions about his behaviour and his motives and researched into what it could be. I came across the ND profile and it fitted rather too well – I chose to ignore my gut feeling and thought I could help him, could fix him.
    We were both married when we met. His marriage was over, of that he was certain. He’d had an affair and had left several years before – she had ended it, he was heartbroken and went back to his wife and daughter. 5 years later I came along and was hooked. I was in a comfortable place – big house, career, lots of friends. I quickly became totally sucked in, we ended our marriages. I lost every one of my friends. Bizarrely, we both continued to live in our marital homes – him for the first 2 years, me until 6 weeks ago. He moved out to get an apartment when his wife found another partner – he left her everything he had out of ‘respect’ for her and his daughter. Guess who ended up furnishing and equipping the apartment, paying the deposits on the rent? His business partner dissolved their business shortly after he moved in – couldn’t work with him any more. I persuaded him to start again (he was unmotivated – he had me to take care of his needs, after all) but I pushed him. We started another company – I invested to start it, drove the whole thing, it’s been a huge success. 8 months ago he moved to an isolated cottage in the same area. It was going to be a hideaway for both of us when I moved in, the perfect little home to live in while we looked for a house to buy (with my divorce settlement).
    It’s taken over 4 years to sell my marital home but when I did, he helped no end. He did vital repairs, hired storage for all my furniture, worked tirelessly to move it all. The day I moved in it all changed.
    He immediately became uncommunicative, cold, callous. He was never in, stayed out all night (with plausible explanations). Within days I was in pieces. We’d been so happy, been through so much to reach this point. One evening he went out, promised to be back early – I’d been so low, I needed a hug. He refused to answer his phone and walked in hours after he’d promised. I flipped and hit him repeatedly, shouted how he’s ruined my life, threatened to stab him if I had the chance. I had all this turmoil in my head but didn’t know why.
    After that he totally withdrew – his explanation was he couldn’t ever trust me again after my outburst. Over the next 2 days he drip-fed me with stories about how, over the past 2 years, I had constantly criticised him, been emotionally abusive, how I had chipped away at his self-esteem and confidence to the point he didn’t know who he was any more. He sat back and watched me crumble because I couldn’t recall doing any of these things and thought I was insane. I rang a domestic abuse helpline – they told me I was an abuser. They enrolled me on a specialist counselling programme – he offered to pay and said if I could be a better person, we may have a chance.
    The next day I woke up (alone – he’d been out all night) and it was a ‘eureka’ moment. I knew I wasn’t crazy or abusive and cancelled the course. I started to question people around us and dig, dig, dig. The next day, I received a call from his new victim telling me they were in love. He didn’t even have the balls to tell me himself. She’s another strong and successful woman – has a large home and business – surprise, surprise. He left that night – moved in with her. 2 weeks later he has proposed and they plan to have children. I was left in his rented house, essentially homeless but in true ND style, he has insisted I stay as long as I need to so I have a roof over my head – he’s even paying the rent and the bills. Isn’t that just so nice of him to keep his psycho ex in a home?
    So, what prompted the discarding to happen when it did? I think I can pinpoint it. 8 months ago, I caught him out lying yet again. This time it was related to his spending a large amount of money on the business, money we didn’t have. I’d had enough of his lies and uncontrollable spending and left. As far as I was concerned it was over. I went to the house to collect my things – he broke down. Told me he loved me, couldn’t live without me, there were tears and a confession of not coping with life. He promised to seek help from his doctor if I stayed. I stayed, he got treatment for depression. Things improved (apart from the sex – that had stopped 12 months before but was a result, he said, of his depression causing a lack of libido – he thought it would get better as he did). I now know at that very time he started grooming his next source. Shortly after he started making advances to her (she has told me), she went away on holiday and came back with a new boyfriend and was no longer interested in him. He picked his next victim – his current partner. She has been known to say it was love at first sight for her 2 years previously. He knew it and made a play for her. She sucked up every bit of him and is now looking forward to a life with her soul mate.
    I have spent the last 3 weeks a broken and panic-stricken shadow of myself, unable to concentrate or function on anything other than a basic level. A huge source of support was his step-mother. She loved me dearly and believed what I told her of the way I was so heartlessly discarded. He didn’t call his folks until 2 days ago. He said he’d left it that long to let the dust settle, that he didn’t want to get into a slanging match about who did or said what in our break up. He went on to tell them the ‘real’ story of our demise. Of course, we’d known for a year that it was over between us – we’d talked about it but neither of us had the courage to leave. When I sold my house and moved in with him, I knew it was over and only went to live with him because I had nowhere else to go. He had moved out purely out of respect for me – to give me space. My 2 years of emotional abuse to him had made it impossible for us to stay together. Strange how he never mentioned any of this to me.
    His stepmum called me to tell me he’s been in touch. She clearly believed him and I became the deluded ex that couldn’t let go. I’ve broken off all contact while I heal. Thankfully, I have the strength of character and resolve to pick myself up and start again. I’d say he broke my heart and left me destroyed but since he never loved me, he’s not worthy of that. I’ll be stronger for this, that much I know. What has really helped already is knowing that I’m not alone…..

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Cherrypop, victims have to accept that not many people will be support or believe them because the narc plays the victim better than the victim and he was setting things up long before the victim even knew what was happening.
      There is no point in trying to make people see the truth, they are either in denial or blinded by the narcs manipulations. All we can do is move forward best we can and do the best we can to live the life we are meant to live.
      Healing requires cutting all ties to the N, even people we love, as long as they are in contact with the N they can not be in our life, it is impossible. They cannot be trusted and they are not healthy for the victim. Surround yourself with positive people who have your best interests at heart and block all contact from the N and his cohorts.
      You are right, you are not alone, you are in fact with very good company!
      Welcome to the survivors club.
      Hugs

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      1. Cherrypop

        Carrie, I played my trump card today. I had to for my own sanity. I have something he needs – some kit for his job, he can’t work without it. I invited him over having told him he can have it if he made a call. He arrived and I told him he was going to call his dad and step mum and tell them the truth. I can’t quite believe it, but he did – he admitted his lies. He sat blankly as he told them, no sign of emotion at all. He did it to get what he needs and I’m not sure he even saw it as honesty but purely as a means to get what he wanted. I’ve now told him to get the hell out of my life – I never want to see or hear from him again. It may have been a risky strategy but I feel so much better. I’ve spoken to his step mum since and she has thanked me – they are disgusted with him for doing this to me and for him lying to them but I can move on now.

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    2. seeking myself

      Last time I commented here was in defense of my N. I wish I had been able to escape then but I stayed around waiting for him to change back to the person he was when we reunited after 24 years apart. First loves, each others first sex, what a fairytale romance ! How could it not be perfect? I have a masters degree in social work & it embarrasses me to admit it. I should have known he wasn’t going to change back because the first few months were all an act. He cheated on me and still denies it and sad thing is he convinced me to believe it never happened although the girl admitted it to me after I tricked her He also convinced me that he never hit me but I have pictures of the bruises. It all started 2 years ago. It took 8 months to go to hell. But add it up…. I stuck around for more hell. Depleted saving . Lost job. Lost almost 14 years of clean time from a horrible addiction to meth which he spent with me in the past so knew my struggles still be brought my drug of choice, my demon, into my home where he lived and didn’t work (but claims to this day he did) and ask him what happened to the “beautiful smiling couple” everyone loved to see walk through the door and he’ll tell you I lost it,…. I’m crazy ….. Maybe I am but I wasn’t. I just refused to give up my first love , my love story, that quickly became my nightmare. I’m in a new relationship with someone I dated before and is completely opposite but it’s so hard for me to trust and even harder for me to stop communication with him, the N. Eenie, meenie, miny, moe ….. Remember me? I found this blog on accident looking for answers. Instead I found a cry for help from his “crazy ex (but still married) wife” . I say I still love him and always will but wonder if I just feel sorry for him. He owes me so much money he seems to think he doesn’t, shouldn’t pay back & I know I’ll never get it….. I don’t even ask for it anymore. I still have nightmares over the heartache more than the abuse. It kills me more to think how easy it was for me to be used so badly and to allow myself to stay in it My choice. Bad choice. I’ve made a lot of those over the last 2 years. Now clean & trying so hard to find myself again I can’t hate him I psy e for him. It does get easier everyday but it feels like it will take a million more of those easier days. I type this with tears in my eyes. I know what I have to do and plan to do just that. Maybe I’m helping someone else here
      … Maybe I’m needing guidance…. Which is hard for me to ask for…… I’m so ashamed. I’m hurt and ashamed. If I could turn back time I’d run as fast as I could in the opposite direction….. Or would I try it again & do things differently although I know I wasn’t the cause of it turning to hell. I tried to take my own life on numerous occasions and the last almost proved fatal had an unexpected visit from a real friend had not occurred. I choose to believe God sent him. He took my keys from me and packed my bag and drove me hundreds of miles away, got me help not before “accidentally” breaking my phone to cease all communication. It helped me but my heart still hurts. Will it ever stop hurting?

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      1. seeking myself

        I’m so screwed up in my head I don’t even know if I posted my comment above in an appropriate place. Please forgive me

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  6. neveragainx

    I’m in the “discarding” phase for the third time now. This has been going on for eight years now. I still can’t believe that I fell for it again! When we were getting back together, she told me that she didn’t love her other ex and that the only reason she stayed with them was because they “needed” her. So we got back together, everything was fine. Then out of the blue, I get a text saying that it’s over and that she’s going back to her other ex because they love and need each other. I know that one day she’ll come back again and tell me that she’s sorry. But having read this, I now realize that if I were to go back again, the cycle will never end.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      neveragain, thank you for commenting. Glad the post hit you with the truth. Believe me, I did it for 10 years, some people do it for 20 – 30 years but it is always the same, they never change. They can’t
      hugs

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  7. Matt

    This is in reply to another comment someone made about his narc never answering a question.

    I’ve just read your post and it brought back something I’d forgotten about. Never answering a question!!!! Ain’t that the weirdest thing? I can remember it confusing me. I used to ask her “why do you do that?” Why do you either just avoid answering by asking me one or just keep talking and talking and talking. I thought it was some sort of proven trick she’d been taught on her psychology degree course (another lie) to gain the upper hand in an argument. It’s little things like that which when you read up on traits of a narc make it jaw dropping. She truly was text book. In every way possible. There’s a paper out there somewhere suggesting you could be in a narcistic relationship If you can tick some of the boxes listing the 41 traits of a narcissist. She had all 41 traits. Every single one. Mind blowing !!

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  8. fee

    That just brings things back to me too. Like one day I will understand the good man he was?? or how I had no life skills, how I didn’t understand as he had lived a ‘colourful life’ and I was just a mom. He always had one rule for him and another for me. I was a slut for dressing in a demin skirt with tights and boots, he put on a suit and called himself a ‘don juan’ and I was not to comment. He took the mick of any noise I would make in bed, patronising me. If I was uncomfortable and embarrassed he was always so lovely in the moment and told me not to worry…only to throw it in my face how shite I looked and do I know not many would find me attractive..and if they did they would look like hunch back of notradam or just want sex. I was lucky to have this man odviously…I mean lucky me for being stripped, spat on, humiliated, filmed, threatened, drugged, slapped around, name called, items smashed…I mean wow what a catch I had looking back. He said when I wouldn’t go back…you will never find anyone like me and the connection we had, things like that are special and never go away and if its something he should know about its the female body…well now I have grown my sense all I can say is thank the lord I will never meet anyone like him…and if its ever a choice between Mr Grey (which he so happily thought he was) Or a Mr Selfridge then I take the latter anytime. I haven’t looked at another man since the night I will never forget in November 2013 and I doubt I will for a long time.
    When you think back what is it you miss….I think most of us would say the sex if we are honest….its something they are a master of and I feel ill knowing now I was just one of many. A relationship is more than that, its feeling loved not humiliated, its been made to feel special not have someone pretend they are on your side only to find your inner hurts and go for them when arguments happen.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Fee, it anyone of the victims that come in here knows the hold they can get on a person it is you! I was in tears some days worrying that you would never break away from the monster. To read your clarity of thought now is such a relief. What was the moment things “clicked ” for you, what was it that finally gave you the strength to break away. People always come in here wanting an answer and I never know what to say, I want to be able to say, “Do this, do that and you will get over him” but it is not that easy.
      I agree with you that if we are honest with ourselves a large part of it is the sex. James used to say you will never find a man who will make you come like I did, or who will put up with the hell I put up with from you. No man will rescue you like I did and I used to think to myself “no man will have to rescue me because no other man would sabotage my truck” . and the wonderful love making had disappeared totally for at least a year and when I was honest, the amount of times he was a wonderful lover i could count on two hands, compared to the hundreds of times he just climbed on top of me and got his rocks off with no thought of my pleasure.
      I have never read the books or seen the movie but I hate the 50 Shades of Grey craze, it romanticizes the narcissist.
      thank you for commenting and sharing your hard earning wisdom. I hope things are going well for you. How are you feeling physically? How is the wee one? Any bites on the house?
      Big hugs and lots of love to you!! and Jacob. the little angel.

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      1. fee

        My house is up for sale but I have had no views. It doesn’t help that it needs doing up…and now damp as broken out lol, I am not stressing about it all anymore. What will be will be. I have never been as fat, skint and HAPPY lol. I have found a peace that I can cope with and that is being alone. I don’t want to risk that on anyone else, so in a part he won…but I don’t care. I think it comes in stages. If am honest the night in the ranch when he did what he did and mentally broke me set in me a seed and everytime he behaved crap I knew after I was kidding myself I would find a change. He used to say…even if I was with another woman you will never know. He got away with it so long he knew how to hide things. The lady he was with before me, who was in high power in the government paid him out of a sticky situation of 15k and she thought he was lovely, even now…but I found the sex sites he went on while with her…the joining date of…member since and date give that away. I played detective, something didn’t sit right with me. He said I was looking for things, maybe I was…but only because my gut feelings was screaming what the hell you doing fee. I found condoms in his car he used (his words) to get women wet, found teen porn on his comp, sex sites, lifts with ex pros while he had told me he was in bed ill. Looking back the list was endless. Yet, I kept accepting his lies. These people can tell you black is white and in the end you actually start believing it.
        My daughter who is 23 always commented on how sackless women was for staying with someone like that, I was embarrassed, how could I say what I had allowed to happen. I felt ashamed. What finally clicked with me was knowing he had filmed me unable to move on the bed, I was half with it but I saw it so clearly. When I was given a pan to be sick in while he was on top of me, that when I begged for an ambulance he refused to get one, that I missed half the night blacked out but when I came through to be sick again he still hadn’t done. I couldn’t drive home the next morning, if it was drink, drugs or whatever something hadn’t been right….but when I looked him in the eye and asked about the filming he swore on his mother and fathers dead souls he hadn’t done it. Oh Christ how good was he, but only I knew for sure…I had always fallen for it before because he had a good answer and delivered it well everytime. I was used, he knew I didn’t believe in ending a life but he also knew I was too old to start again. He thought he would finish me off, that’s why he came back to get me sucked in to leave me broken…but when it didn’t go his way…when I kept my son he pretended then he wanted to know, its all he ever wanted. But when I didn’t fall soft I heard it all….that night I was apparently gagging for it, panting like a dog and how mentally ill I was, that he was with me because he felt sorry for me. I am glad I stayed NO CONTACT because it give me a bit of time to recover and get alittle stronger. Every few months he gets back in touch. While his 8 week phase (also his words) to date another went wrong. He threatened so much as you know, if I went and proved he was his then he would make sure he would be taken away from me because of his films. If I opened my mouth he would show videos he took of us having sex (without my knowledge) Ellie and yourself once said…so what…whats the worst he can do. I was trying to save my good reputation from a liar who wanted to wreck me. So I stayed clear, went to social services myself to let them know what had gone on, I was assessed and thankfully with bringing up all my children for 23 yrs with nothing but praise from schools etc it is very unlikely he will affect my rep. With that, he decided not to pay his contribution of £10 a week and didn’t bother sending his son….the one he always wanted….a present for Christmas…when u say no and stick to it…that is when there true colours show. NO CONTACT is the only way to gain strength while reading about narcs. Your mind goes through all the arguments themselves, that’s why I once asked…why doesn’t anyone write about the good deeds these people do, the nice thoughts…because they do…many…most have a history (there own words again) of doing good for others…but this is to cover up who they are deep inside. The moment for me was that night…and the morning text when asked why he never called for help since he said my eyes was rolling to the back of my head….and his words was he knew CPR.
        I believe he will try again, but I know in my heart I have done the right thing. I am so against any mom trying to keep fathers away, this I will stress, but the evil he is capable of I am certain he would harm my son either mentally or otherwise to get at me…and for that reason I will die before I let him see him. He won, he didn’t want to pay or take responsibility…I haven’t decided if to let him get away with it or try again in a year…but I was battling keeping my heart closed and its taken 16 mths so far but now I feel am free from him.
        You and Ellie give me the seed of thought and I had to keep away to do it. Thank you xx

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Fee, you are such an inspiration, you have overcome so much and shown a strength, I quite honestly didn’t think you had. I was afraid he had broken you to the point you had just given up fighting. Ellie and I both feared for your life, I have never worried more about anyone as much as I have you and to hear you have found peace puts a huge smile on my face and to hear you say “what will be will be” is so reassuring.
          Not that James went as far as your ex, (your ex is a psychopath I have no doubt) he came damn close and I had such a hellish time pulling myself away from him I think I related so well with you and that is why I knew the danger you were in and what he was capable of.
          You did the exact right thing, you took his power away by confronting the issue yourself and he never expected that. If he had gone with the tapes to anyone it would have proven how really sick he is and I think he knew that.
          I think when a person is broken that badly, treated so viciously and the N sees his power he gets almost frenzied with his course of destruction, like they get intoxicated on a power trip, they go too far and what should be the breaking blow, what they think will bring the victim to their knees for good actually takes the victim to a place of “do or die”. I don’t even know how to describe it adequately. You reach a level of inner strength and inner peace that you have never known before. I can tell you have found it and I am so happy for you. I too just know that everything will be ok, my life is in real upheaval right now but I am not in a panic about it and know things will work out. I used to want to die and now I want to live forever. I am not interested in meeting a man and being in a relationship either, not because I hate men or fear them; not because I have built a wall around me because I am so damaged but because I am so healthy and happy I don’t want to share it or disrupt it in anyway.
          Thanks for sharing, I hope that other victims read your words and realize that they can overcome anything one day at a time and there is a huge reward at the end of it.
          God bless you.xxxxx

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          1. fee

            Bless you Carrie thank you. I remember when he told me to end my life back in the day and for the first time in my life I was scared I would. I had got so low. I just wanted him. I listened to him how all his ex’s wanted him back and how when he is done he is done. He threw me away so much, yet left enough of a thread for me to think he didn’t mean it all.
            He always said I wanted power, I think people should defiantly listen to what is being said to them…be it they are mental, dangerous, a cheat, a liar…whatever it is….because what you are hearing is exactly what they are …they are just putting it onto you.
            If am honest I think am single because I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t feel I could go through it all again and walk away stronger than before, i think it took a chunk of me….but it left me enough to build on and i think am way wiser than before. I am so thankful I found this site, as I truly do believe I would have not being in this position today.
            You story was similar to mine, from your issues with your mouth etc to James and I think it helps to connect to something someone is saying. I used to be so obsessed with looking on his fb and re reading every email to a tea…but slowly I started using it as medicine. Then I blocked him as I had seen enough, I found myself more concerned with getting through the day. Sometimes I think back to the happy times but quickly remind myself it was just an act.
            I am writing a book, its helping me….its the OPPOSITE of what Mr grey stands for, I know the manipulation and abuse that comes with it…yet he will never admit he was anything and he says he hates with a passion men who abuse women. Just a total crock of shit of a man….sorry for swearing…but I know in my heart I will never bow down to that ‘man’ again.

            I hope you get rewards for how many people you have truly helped. If I ever get on my feet I will never forget the help you give me. X

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            1. Carrie Reimer Post author

              Fee, I am rewarded every time I find out someone was helped by me sharing. If the only person I helped was you, that would be enough for a lifetime for me. If there was anyone deserving of help it is you and it is such a relief to know you are safe. I truly believe you will overcome any obstacles that come your way now that you are free of that horrible guy. I look forward to reading your book. Let me know when you are done and I will promote it here for sure.
              Hugs to you, the wee one and the rest of your family. xxxxoooo

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  9. Matt

    When I first came here last September I suggested it was harder for us blokes being victims as an attractive woman narc has men and potential new victims on tap.

    After 5 months here reading your stories I wish to retract and apologize for that statement.

    The mental torture and pain are the same regardless of sex. The physical aspect isn’t. When she used to hit, slap and kick me I almost used to find amusing. The more degrading side of things that I’ve read you girls can go through are something a male victim could rarely go through due to size and strength. I can only imagine what with everything else that’s goin on it must truly be horrendous. I apologize again for my ignorance.

    Above is a link mainly aimed at male victims but obviously female victims will relate to, to. This was my jaw dropping BOOM! moment. I was reading about MY girlfriends personally from someone who lived on the other side of the planet who couldn’t possibly know her. She didn’t just tick some of the boxes, she ticked ALL OF THEM!!. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I still don’t. But it helped me and so hopefully will someone else to.

    I feel sorry for everyone in this situation. I really do. From those of us who have thankfully broken the spell but accept life will never be the same. To those who are only a few weeks or days into their own BOOM! moment and have a long fight ahead. But the people I feel for most are the poor souls out there just entering phase 3. It’s a fucking awful time in a person’s life. Nobody should have to go through that. NOBODY! It goes beyond pain. So if by chance your early in that stage and are looking for answers and stumbled upon this by chance. My advice is read the link above and RUN!! Run like you’ve never run before and never look back. Because if you don’t the chances are at some point soon you’ll just want the pain to stop.

    Love you all. Believe in N/C it’s the only way x

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  10. nicoleh

    Wow. I went through this! Unbelievable! The first time I was “discarded”. And those exact events of reconciliation happened, followed by the worst year of my life, and then I got fed up. Kicked him out, made him cry and beg, and firmly believed it was all fake. And it was! He reared his ugly head months after, attempting to belittle me, and I cut him off completely( we have a child, that was the sole reason for continued communication) it has been 2 years since we have spoken. My life is amazing now. I just keep looking for answers and I think this is it. I don’t know why I still feel a lack of understanding. Just why. A serial cheater who pursued me? But why. This fits the whole “relationship” beautifully. It’s perfect.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      nicoleh, Welcome! I am so glad you were able to kind some answers here. I think we go looking for answers even after its over because it was just so bizarre and noting made sense so we try to make sense of it so we can tie a bow on it and file it away. But it is futile to try to make sense of insanity, it will drive us insane trying. The most sense we can make of it is to accept that they are sick, they are all the same and nothing they do makes sense to a normal caring person. We cannot possibly relate to doing everything solely for ourselves with no thought of how it affects others. We cannot possibly relate to someone who doesn’t have a conscience.
      There are many articles here explaining how the narcissist’s brain works (or doesn’t work) It is all about power and control and really has very little to do with the victim even though they end up devastated and feeling totally raped and broken.
      Keep reading and commenting, everyone here understands where you are coming from.
      Congrats on being free of the N and getting your amazing life back.
      hugs

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  11. Dani

    I just realized that I am in a relationship with a N for the last 6months. He is(was) my pastor I just ended it because I started to realize that things were not as he made them to be. Just getting divorced myself he claimed his marriage was doomed and I was the love of his life. Just ending this relationship on Tuesday I have cut off all communication is there any advice for me as I start to untangle some of the bonds that was built between us for example starting a business with him?

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Dani, the biggest, most beneficial thing you can do is to have no contact whatsoever. Have you started the business together or was it still in the idea stage? No matter what it was, get out of business with him immediately if possible. If you have joint funds somewhere, make sure to get your money immediately and don’t let him convince you it will be ok to trust him in business. He cannot be trusted, whether he is your pastor or the pope himself. I hope you have switched churches also. Stay as far away from him as possible.
      I am hoping you dodged a bullet and never actually invested any money into a business with him.
      welcome and please feel free to come back for moral support or to rant any time. We care
      Hugs and prayers

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      1. Dani

        Carrie, thank you so much immediately after I typed the message I felt so ashamed and guilty for allowing myself to be in a relationship of this manner. I lent him and his wife money and bought some minor things but I believe God protected me through this journey my loss could have been much worse. The business was formed but he was distant from the activities, if any of the things we started come to manifest I have to hope God protects me and keeps him from destroying the relationships. I’m hoping because he knows I have pictures and texts that he would just let me move on so that he would not be exposed. I am going to a new church and luckily I haven’t formed many relationships in his church, my only concern is my dear friend goes to the church and I hope that he doesn’t bother her she doesn’t know anything and is a very sweet person. He thinks I blocked his number so he hasn’t reached out to me its bitter sweet but I know that God snatched me from the fire and I thank God for his faithfulness. I found a book and videos done by Sam Vaknin Malignant Self-Love which is helping me to understand the behavior type. I was so naive to the magnitude of this type of behavior. Again thank you for your encouraging words its hard because I don’t have anyone who can understand what I am feeling.

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