The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist




So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and JC fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not even look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you know it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist



During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt JC cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.



During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (James even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing. A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmed enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (James said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

level headed


During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and will believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels so superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

2,098 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. Sorry but none of your story makes sense. You sometimes talk like your a woman…with the hers and then like a man…hims….which I take it you are. Also…you don’t know why there was trust issues…you mentioned you was splitting up with the ex wife and had 4 women you was dating while visiting massage parlors for sex…then come out with your thinking the women are demeaning themselves…what about the men who visit that crap. Sorry I am harsh but I have had experience with the sleezy world…through no part of it being my fault. To me you sound no different to her. ..But how can anyone start a meaningful relationship if they are sleeping with others…or paying them for sex. Maybe others on here will be more understanding, but if you always look for sex…that is what you will get from a relationship. Maybe work on yourself and then take it slow with someone you meet totally away from work like that…and then your mind wont be judging them and you might see LOVE is alittle different to what you have had.
    Oh and I do also believe like attracts like….so I am changing my way of thinking also.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well Fee, I am glad I am not the only one that interpreted Joes post like you did. I couldn’t make sense of much and was hard to read past the point of visiting “those kind” of massage parlors the seeing the ex wife and telling the “other” 4 women he was dating . oh, I caught the part where it was ok to be a stripper IF you were ashamed of it.

      I had 2 reactions:

      1, I checked the calendar. Nope, it is almost January 1st not April 1st.

      2. SMH and WTF???????

      Thank you for attempting to make sense out of something that made NO SENSE to me. You did an admirable job :) On the off chance what was posted is REAL you gave to best advise possible. Even the physic thinks so!


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Ellie,
        It totally lost me and I take issue massively with someone who in there mind degrades who they are with…it was there own choice being with them knowing it….its the ones who don’t know I feel for, to me them had no choice. It was all an act. I hope you have had a good Christmas. I actually feel am free from dave now…he as sent me over 300 emails when I was pregnant and right up and till I took his blackmailing away from him and went to people myself….then this man who claimed to want the best for Jacob doesn’t even send him a Christmas pressie or an email or letter for him to remember when he is older. I am thankful he didn’t ….but the times he should stand and look a father like when I was bleeding, the birth and his first xmas etc..he disappears…probably got some other mug. I truly think am free as he can now argue all he wants about the best for his boy…he got sod all from him and to me that spoke more.
        I hope 2015 we can all move on without the lies and I am thankful I met you and carrie as it showed me everything I couldn’t see…but it makes sense when someone else goes through something and am glad I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate…am just happy now that I feel free and I hope he stays away.
        Have a fantastic new year, hope your with your family and thank you x

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Fee,

          Thank you! Christmas was great, I am fortunate to have my granddaughter living with me with her Mama. There is nothing to compare to the wonder in a childs eyes when they see the tree lit, the presents, just the wonder of the season. Makes everything else they may be going on in life seem small in comparison. Over the years people tend to say it is not “my job” to help raise another child but I see it as being blessed!!!!

          Dave will never have that “first Christmas” memory and it will be his own fault. YOU will hold it in your heart forever :) You are so right actions speak louder than words.

          I have a feeling 2015 will be the absolute best one yet!

          Many many blessings to you and your family. I can not think of any one that deserves them more.

          Love to you all,



          1. Bless your heart Ellie, I love family…am glad your not on your own and you will be so close to them. It is different when children still believe…my 9yr old does so she just makes it all so wonderful. Jacob was amazed by the lights etc it was just lovely. Dave missed out, the 2 Christmas;s I was with him I got dumped for his family, fun and parties…but he always bothered to email…even middle of morning…the only year it mattered…or he could pretend it did was this one and I will never now believe he give a dam regards Jacob. Hopefully he didn’t put in his 40 maintence on the 15th dec…if not then I know for sure its done as for him to gain rights he as to show he is a parent who takes responsibility strongly…to me he missed the mark for xmas and if he doesn’t pay (which I hope he doesn’t) then it looks like he cant provide and that goes against him not me.
            Its funny, I actually thought Jacob was important to him and that he would get a parcel..he even sent my own daughter 20 on her birthday but nothing for his own son….it just spoke volumns that he disappeared again. Hopefully that’s it… I feel for all the ladies stories on her but every now and again…I smell a rat ;)

            Takecare Ellie and a big hug to you and your family x


        2. Oh Fee, it is so good to hear you speak like this!! I hope 2015 is a year of much healing and new beginnings for you. Yes, Dave lack of actions speaks volumes about how much he “cares”. Good on you to take things into your own hands and not let him blackmail you any more. I am sure he was set back on his heels when he wasn’t able to intimidate you into doing what he wanted.
          I am so proud of YOU!!
          I have total faith that 2015 is going to be a much better year for you. I feel it in my bones.
          I hope your Christmas was wonderful with your children and I pray for wonderful things for you in 2015.
          God knows you have earned many blessings
          Hugs and love to you and Jacob


    2. Well said Fee, I had to give up trying to decipher what Joe was saying, I got lost 1/2 way through and just didn’t have the energy to stumble through it all.
      I agree with you totally and that is what I was thinking but thought maybe I had misread it. But if someone is married and has 4 women and is going to a massage parlor I find it hard to feel sorry for them because no one trusts them. And the double standard of being a guy who visits a massage parlor but has no respect for the women, chokes me.
      I was not sure if I read it right when Joe said “as long as she is ashamed he was ok with it.” or something like that.
      Thanks for your reply. You said it better than IHugs


  2. I am not a woman I was trying to explain the whole scenario and it all came out weird bc I was speaking into phone and it was typing for me. And yes it is time to look at myself


    1. I read this and understood everything. I am living with a person like this and its like I was reading about me. Great article


  3. Carrie, Ellie and Fee,

    I feel like such an idiot, I feel so foolish, half of me so desperately wants the fairytale and the other half of me keeps reminding me of the monster. I am having an on going battle with my heart and my head. My heart tells me that maybe i’ve been wrong all the way, yet my head keeps me in check of reality. It’s all so overwhelming, my head tells me what a fool i am for reading the e-mails he sends, and i end up in floods of tears and responding, the contents is minimalistic, such as him wishing me a Happy Christmas, him telling me he still loves me and always will and thanking me for what he’s learnt from me, my responses are just stupid, i keep telling him how hurt i am and what i wished was. He hasn’t said he wants us to get back together.

    I do feel so fragile, at the same time knowing how stupid it is, it’s as if he is the only one who can take the pain away. I feel so alone, one small thing i haven’t spoken to him again. He would be angry with me if he knew what i had done with his stuff and he hasn’t even asked about it, a part of me feels bad for throwing away his stuff. I keep reminding myself how much better off i am without him in my life.
    I want to find away to heal faster, the quick fix, i keep reading about narcissism to remind me what i know.

    I thought for a while i was doing well but now i feel like ‘the boy who cried wolf’ it’s as if i want to forgive him and it all be OK again. No one understands how i feel, and it’s certainly not the time to be asking for support, everyone i know is happily enjoying the festive season.

    If nothing else i can admit it here and perhaps get the support i need.

    Thanks ladies, i hope you are all having a good time, i tried to have fun at Christmas, i just faked it, so not to ruin any ones else’s day.

    No doubt the next e-mail will be Happy New Year. I just want 2015 to roll on so i can put it behind me the best i can.


    1. Morning Lonely,

      I know exactly how you feel as I prayed for it for a year and even now ….only sometimes…I have a weak moment where I think…what if I was wrong. I used to come in here and think well dave doesn’t sound like that, he was nice at times and he did things for others constantly. I didn’t read the good the other peoples narcs did as everyone was hurting….so surely I was wrong. It wasn’t all bad, I mean I felt loved sometimes, the passion was amazing and the way he held me I will never forget. He had a way with words that made me feel he had never felt what we had…as he put it…what we have fee is rare, special and did I understand that…. then of course I would be kicked to the curb with emotional crap and because I responded with ‘I don’t agree’ and then I would be ignored for a while…..
      I was a wreck, inside I wanted this man so bad it hurt, on the outside I looked nuts. Love doesn’t leave us lonely and feeling empty inside…waiting for them to full us up.
      What you are feeling is normal for what being with a narcissistic feels like. Honestly, your going through hell and increasing his hold on you by the self talk…and also giving him a boost by him knowing he hurt you….he will back off as he knows he as you…its when you don’t seem to respond or are hurting anymore that confuses them…and then they try the pull us in stage, when it doesn’t work its full on abuse…when that doesn’t work its ignore…then when that doesn’t work they turn up months later, via email, letter, text and the pattern starts over…and because we struggle to heal…as we want the good times back….the wounds are there to be played with again.

      All this year my ex pestered me, he loved me, please give me another chance crappy talk…I was pregnant and didn’t want to know…he kept leaving the face of the earth for 2 mths….(he once told me he give women 8 weeks…in that time they fell in love with him and cried in bed crap…then of course he left and all his exs wanted him back) …so I understood why he kept disappearing, he lied of course and never looked at anyone never mind anything else…but I knew. So because I didn’t give in he would do one for another 2 mths and then the pattern continued. I struggled so much on the name of my baby and If I should give him his fathers as I never wanted this, but on the day I give him mine. I battled with letting him see him or not…and I decided on Ellies and Carries experience to not, to not let him mess with my sons head….so I didn’t let him. He hounded me, then blackmailed me, then begged me. He made sure he paid 40 a mth…an amount to make it look like he bothered to the law….he sent my daughter 20 in November for her birthday…then because I stuck to my guns and he refused help as to him he had nothing wrong with him and it was me….he didn’t even send a fiver for his own sons first Christmas. I am of course grateful, as I can say now it was his head games all along. I feel free. It is my birthday today and this is the first time I haven’t got a pointless emails wishing me well….he didn’t bother buying me anything for xmas or birthdays when I was with him, family, fun and women came first….I have days I wish for more, I don’t want him to make me bitter and have him win….I am going to work hard on myself and not respond, to play a game you need 2 people to play….take away yourself and he wont pester you…as much as you want him too deep down…as much as you want to have mr wonderful to a point you will put up with too much…as much as you don’t feel you will move on or get over him…I promise you…you will.

      It will take practise, time and work on yourself, but you will. I cant say we will meet mr perfect in a year or two…but I can promise you when you expect more and know your worth you wont tolerate the bullshit he offers and in time when we do get healthy and our boundaries are set in place….we will find happiness again.

      Stay strong, keep reading…don’t let him know how much he hurt you anymore…your feeding your own pain….aswell as his ego.

      Fee x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Great response to Lonely Fee. Only someone who has been in the same shoes so recently can really feel what another is going through.

        ” If his fingers are typing he is lying, if his lips are moving, he is lying”. Make that your mantra Lonely. Think about it, he is an addiction for you. Kinda like crack. A person can be brought to the edge of death by a drug addiction, get clean and go on with their life. But eventually, one day, there is an offer of a hit. IF they take it they are right back where they were. Has the drug become any less dangerous? NO. But the addiction starts to talk to you. Lie to you. Tell you it wasn’t that bad. Perhaps something else made you so sick, etc etc. The N is no less of a drug to us as crack is to a user. And just as deadly. We will tell ourselves all sorts of lies just so we can feel that very temporary “zing” talking to them, e-mailing with them gives us before you know it, we are hooked again.

        Don’t open the e-mails. Is there any good reason why you would want to read his lies? Can they change anything? He isn’t sorry for anything, trust me. He hasn’t seen the light. But as long as you read and respond he know he still has the chance of hurting you more and THAT is really alot of fun for them. He DID learn alot from you, he learned how to HURT you best. And to continue contact keeps giving him more info to hurt you worse next time, if there is one. Don;t give him that opportunity. Listen to Fee, she KNOWS.




    2. Lonely, Fee had a great answer for you. All I want to add is, be patient with yourself!!! you are going to have doubt, we all did, it will get less as time goes on. Just don’t act on the guilt and stay no contact. Know that you will have bouts of guilt and self doubt, come in here, read about N’s to reinforce that he is an n and you are not crazy, talk to us about it and it will pass. The times between will get longer and eventually you won’t care any more. In all honesty i can still have moments of self doubt. A fleeting thought that maybe it was just me and he is happy with his new woman.
      But I know that is not the truth, there is no way he could change that drastically, it is not humanly possible. No one is that horrible and can change that quickly into a sweetheart, or at all. REally, think about it, a person can not change like that. A truly nice good person will not turn into a vindictive, cruel person just because he was with a bitch. And you know in your heart you are not a psycho or a bitch.
      The thing is, we are normal people with a conscience and a heart so we do second guess ourselves, we know we can be wrong or make mistakes. it is not normal to be 100 % certain about being right, that is a narcissistic way of thinking. They are the only ones 100% sure they are right and everyone else is wrong. or at least they pretend to be certian.Hang in there.
      This is all normal and you will get through it.


  4. Carrie, Ellie and Fee

    Thank you for not judging me, and for your support, as said it’s only those of us who have experienced the N that know’s all the feelings, I get what you said Ellie, he is like crack to me, when you know something is bad for you but you want it anyway, you become obsessed with it and can’t stop thinking about it, it’s like i have put my hand in the hornets nest knowing i will get stung.

    I’m wondering if i am processing different feelings and is it time that will get me through? Firstly it was the complete shock of what happened that fateful night back in September, then came the searching for answers and that’s when i stumbled across the definition of narcissism and then your blog Carrie, it was one of those ah ha moments when you’re reading your own story yet written by someone else, then i was so filled with fear of him turning up at my home or work place, then it was all the hatred of what he was and the lie that i believed was a life long committed relationship, then the stupidity that i fell for it all. I was doing so well at the no contact and getting on with life (not that i’m doing a great job at that) but i just try to do what’s in front of me and do my best. Then the festive season turns up and he sends an e-mail, wanting to talk, and there i go with all this I’M TOUGH AND WILL LET YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I THINK AND HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME, for all of 12 hours i felt empowered, but then my stupid heart takes me back to the ‘good times’ and yes there were many good times and i think they out weighed the bad, but The Three Phases are so just so true to my story that i simply can’t ignore it. I have been reading more posts here and on another blog that Carries blog lead me to, I DO THINK HE’S A NARCISSIST and i need to stay away, I’m just finding it really hard, it’s a battle.

    Anyway i just wanted to thank you for your support, at times i think i’m loosing my mind, i even cried in the supermarket yesterday, I have suffered with depression all my adult life, some how i will get through to the other side, when i hear your success story’s it gives me hope and i draw on that.


    My love to you all, you feel like my best friends (that I’ve not met yet)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are making progress Ms Lonely, don’t ever doubt it. Little by little you are absorbing the facts, the truths about Narcissism. You are looking at the different aspects of your story and comparing them to others that are so much ( yet different ) than yours. You are not ignoring these truths. You are processing them. Sure, you will have moments where you spin, doubt what happened was even real, but to do the exact thing needed to heal, you read! And then read some more. I am so proud of you :)

      I have no reason to doubt you will make it to the other side with your attitude. You aren’t looking for external reasons THIS happened you are solidly looking at HIM, his behavior and your own. It does take some introspection into ourselves to keep on the healing journey, none of us are perfect, but as time goes by we begin to look at what we did, how we responded and why we were so willing to allow such abuse from someone who obviously did not care. The journey is a rough one but so rewarding. You find YOU at the end and really that is all you will ever need! YOU are enough!! Smart enough, pretty enough, caring enough. Not by his standards but by your own. It really is so freeing!

      My best wishes that 2015 is the BEST year you have ever had.



    2. Lonely, you are going through what most victim’s of a N go through, you are processing everything. When you go looking for answers and find out what they truly are then you relive the whole relationship with this new knowledge, your mind has to process the whole thing with this new knowledge and accept it in order to file it and move on. You were thinking one thing and with the new events and knowledge it changes the whole relationship, it takes a while for the brain to accept and change what you had believed. Your brain has to process and accept the absolute worst thing, being raped by the man you trusted and loved, it is going to have a hard time accepting it, no one wants their nightmares to become reality, it is a tough battle in your head. You would much rather have it be your fault somehow than to think the man you loved would do something like that so any sign from him that it didn’t happen will send you into a spin, self doubt and false hope. That is why no contact is so important. If you had contact and he apologized it would be one thing, but how does a guy apologize for something like that? what could he say that would make it all ok? Further contact with him will only pull you back into the depths of despair and self doubt. Even women who haven’t experience as severe abuse go through times of self doubt and all the victims relive the relationship, I have a post on healing here is the link “healing Crisis” it explains why we feel so strong and then are thrown into a pit of self doubt all of a sudden. We think we have made no progress but it actually a good sign and all part of the healing. Once you get through this you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It will happen again but next time it won’t be as scary because you will know what it is and it will leave you faster and you will feel better again. I went through 3 of them for sure, probably more but by the end they were so short and not so severe I probably didn’t even realize I was still healing and thought I was just having a bad day.
      You are doing really well, don’t give up on yourself.
      There is a bond between us all, we all thought we were the only ones going through it, when we find others it is a real bonding experience. After all it is probably the worst thing any of us will ever experience. it would be great if we could all meet someday. It would take an awfully big arena to fit us all in unfortunately. But we are taking their power away just by discussing it and supporting each other.


  5. I seriously adore all of you and thank you Carrie for creating this forum where we can get relief even if for a few minutes. I read all these stories and realize how much mental illness walks among us. My sister is mentally ill and is low functioning and it’s apparent when you meet her that she is disabled. These Narcs are mental illness in disguise. They’re all so smart. My Narc has a Graduate degree and would remind me of all his achievements including MVP when he was in high school. Funny thing is he would always say how he wasn’t looking for recognition of any kind. Believe his mother was a Narc as well. Think she created the Narc he is today. Big surprise he HATES her. No relationship. Big surprise he has no relationship with his brother either. When he reached out to his brother back in the summer via email, his brother would not respond. He actually called his own daughter the “C” word on several occasions to her face. Should say yelled. She would be crying hysterically and his response would be “you’re tears mean NOTHING to me.” Said that to me many times. He would say to me on many occasions regarding his daughter “she’ll come around.” He took his cat who started marking his bathroom rug and grabbed her by the back of her neck and rubbed her face in the rug. He was drunk at the time. The cat howled. Very upsetting. He would say, discipline not abuse. He took my dog once and pinned him up against the wall. My dog has behavioral issues, yes BUT not the way to handle things. Was not allowed to get a trainer. A trainer would not teach him anything. He would take anyone else’s problems and MAXIMIZE and minimize his own problems. After a week of a drunken binge, he actually had the balls to bitch at his son for not keeping the house up. Never mind that he was in bed for a week drinking himself to the point of passing out daily. Somehow his son not cleaning the house was worse than what he had just done. Unbelievable as I write it out and play it over in my mind. He threatened my daughter in several emails. Told her he was going to call the cops on her boyfriend because of smoking pot. He was going to call her work where she is a nurse and implicate her. Was actually threatening her job. One email he caused us to call the cops. First time i actually was scared. Remember how CRAZY he was and looked in a drunken binge. He actually threatened me in person before the email was sent days later. Have to keep remembering all these awful things. He didn’t threaten to hit me but again to cause heartache in my daughter’s life. All because her boyfriend wasn’t acceptable to him. None of her friends were acceptable to him either. His perfect image could not be tarnished with all the white trash because he refused to associate with losers. He called my daughter Miss Piggy because of her weight issues. Never apologized. At one point when we were trying to work it out (what a joke) he said he might have been a little harsh with my daughter BUT she was the one going down a bad path and i needed to stop it. When I write this all out, it’s so clear. Doesn’t matter that he donates blood. He waits until all the alcohol is out of his system. Think he does it it for the “good guy image”. Everyone he tells about his giving nature, thinks he’s great. One of the first things he told me. Makes him a chick magnet. Truly believe he also does it to prove to himself he’s not an alcoholic. Surprised his donations don’t cause alcohol poisoning to the recipients. He also did all the laundry and most of the cleaning. He was home and had the time. He wanted to lighten my load. Definitely made me feel guilty or unappreciative when I disagreed or wanted to discuss the drinking. Also, had to get up at 7:00am whether I wanted to or not. He would come into the room and put up the blinds which made a big noise and then the sun was in my face. EVERY morning. It was good for me. When his son would wake up, he said the same thing every morning. Take your vitamins and get the hell out of here. He would say it in a joking way but so annoying. Also, his son had an alcohol problem and he would have the audacity to tell him he needed to get it together. Again, unbelievable. I have so much respect for EVERY woman on this blog and all your stories. You have helped me so much you will never know. The strength you all have is truly inspiring. I was only in my relationship for a year and a half. Felt like it was 10. The relationship moved at warp speed. Each day that passes will take me farther from him. I get relief and experience waves of excruciating pain from time to time. He did do good things. He did say a lot of funny, charming things, I was more attracted to him than anybody I had ever been involved with. The passion was off the charts. My mind has to accept it was all a lie. We all have to ACCEPT THE NARC LIES. IT SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT WE ALL HAVE EACH OTHER. Thank you God! To be continued. 2015 is the year that we will feel warmth in our souls for the lessons we have learned. Leave the darkness behind. God Bless


  6. Why do I still love him? Doesn’t even make sense. Wish I just hated him, My fairy tail mind defaults to the good things about him. It’s been 4 months since I left. Cried all the way home from work. So need to heal myself and leave the past in the past. Compare the charm he had to others and no one comes close. Am going to counseling soon. Couldn’t get in until February. Sometimes I think this is a sign from God to learn to be happy with myself and NOT to depend on ANYONE else for my own inner peace. Saying and doing are two very different things. Loneliness sux! Resolution for 2015 is to overcome this fear of being alone. Almost paralyzing. Need to do it.


    1. Newlife, Sorry for my slow response! 4 months is NOT very long!! You are better than you were when you first left, right? Just hang in there and keep looking forward, it does get better and the periods of sadness get further apart and not as sever.
      It is an addiction in many ways, and the fact that we invested so much of ourselves into the relationship. There is a whole combination of things that keep us connected to them. Least of which is love, because how can we love someone who treated us so badly?
      It has a lot more to do with our
      1. ego, no one likes to be rejected
      2. Brainwashing- the abuse was equivalent to what POW’s are subjected to, we were brainwashed to believe we needed them in order to be happy
      3. Comfort – it may have made us unhappy but we knew what to expect, now our lives are uncertain and we are alone. When you were with him there was even some comfort in him being abusive, he was there and he cared, even if he showed with abuse. Now that is really warped, I know but I actually used to resent that now he was abusing her. Over time in my mind abuse=love. and now she had hope and I had none. When I was with him at least I still had hope he would change, without him I had no hope at all.
      4. He is what you know, he is what occupied your every thought, it is going to take time away from him for other things to take up space in your mind, eventually this will happen and it will happen faster if you work at filling your head with other things.
      5. The more we invest the harder it is to walk away, that is human nature and holds true for money but emotions also, the more friendships you lost because of him the more you cling to him, moved away from family made the bond stronger, etc
      There are probably more but that gives you an idea why you feel so connected and miss him.
      Be patient with yourself and keep trying to occupy your mind with positive things, try to keep your head in the now and not the past.


  7. Thanks for every other informative site. The place else could I am
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  8. I am in the second discard right now! He spent 2 weeks convincing me I was crazy even wound up getting myself locked into a mental facility for a night. He came back for a week only to antagonize me do he could leave again. Really he had just found a new woman. I did have him arrested for domestic assault. He told everyone how happy he was with the new woman. After 3 weeks he broke the no contact order begging to come home. He said I was worth going to jail for. He lied about everything with the other woman and said if he didn’t have bond restrictions he would have been home sooner. Then in less than a week he tried to get me to talk to DA about dropping the charges. at first I was going to do it but then I didn’t. We got into an aargument and he told me I didn’t love him enough and then left. He went straight to the other woman’s house! He told me he went there because she isn’t the one who put him in jail. This was my fault for yelling in front of the kids. He said that the only reason he was with me was for the kids. Before he left the first time he told everyone he had wanted to leave but that at that time I was better than the alternative. I can’t believe I let him in again. I feel like I am back at square one. The wound is reopened. Why did he stay with me for 12 years? He used me for 12 years? What did I do to deserve this pain I feel? I just want it to be over.


    1. Amy,
      I am sorry you are going through this, I can relate. It was only 10 years for me but I did the exact same thing numerous times. It is what they do. There is no other reason, except that they feed off of our pain and because we keep taking them back. It is a double edged sword, the more times we take them back the more committed we are to staying in the relationship because we don’t want to admit we were wrong or got sucked in again. He keeps coming back because either; his new woman is not stroking his ego enough or he has not let the mask drop with her yet and needs someone to bleed for him so he can feed off their pain. In this last case, as with my ex they came back because they wanted the charges against them dropped. And every time we go back we lose credibility with the police, family and friends. It also makes us look like the crazy one because if he was so bad why would we keep going back?
      If you want the pain to stop you know what you have to do. You just don’t want to do it. You want all you invested for 12 years to pay out, you are focusing on “I wasted 12 years, I invested so much, I am losing so much.” You need to stop thinking about the past and bring your thoughts to the future and your future happiness. Looking back will never bring you happiness and you know in your heart he is never going to change.
      Instead of thinking how much you are losing start congratulating yourself on finally being free from the N’s black cloud of negativity, drama and trauma, 12 years is a hell of a lot better than investing 15-20 years and still being here with him screwing around and coming back and leaving as he pleases.
      Believe me, we all know how you feel, you think no one could have hurt as bad as you are hurting and no one else has experienced what you have and it is so far from the truth. None of us thought we would survive the pain or even wanted to survive the pain BUT there is life, love, happiness and wonderful things after a narcissist, you just have to have faith and cut him out of your life totally.
      Read, read and read some more, there are somany post here that cover every single thing about healing after an narc, why they do what they do, if he can change, every question you can possibly think of. Knowledge is your greatest power right now. The first step in healing is; You need to understand what he is, why he does what he does, what has happened to you, and digest all that information.
      step number two is to go no contact and that means texts, emails, talking to friends (there are posts on this also)
      Then you stop focusing on the N and start focusing on getting yourself healthy and healing from the abuse.
      When you read the posts read the comments as well. The posts may hold a lot of information but in the comments you will see that other people are going through the same things you are, you are not crazy or alone and there is some very valuable information buried in the comments also.
      Comment any time on any post, we are here for you.
      You are stronger than you realize, you can do this, your children deserve a healthy happy mom. If you can’t be strong for yourself be strong for your kids.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. So sorry – this is just typical of what they do….convincing you are crazy…….
    They are the crazy one –
    They put all their mental issues and dump them on you – whatever they accuse you off – they are doing it themselves – i.e. lying, cheating, etc. Get out and and have no contact – they are the Devil. They will try to drive you mad – because they are abnormal – protect you yourself and your children. He will try and seperate your children and family and friends from you. Everything is madness and chaso, with these people, they crave, sex, money, especially money, and have no empathy or kindness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Until you posted this response Marrohop, I did not realize this was the same poster as in the support forum only with the info included that there are children involved. SMH

      She posted in Support Forum :

      I would risk my life just to be with him and I know in my mind that this is not normal but I can’t seem to control the emotions.

      You have the right to risk your own life but what about the lives of your children?

      I am trying very hard to imagine at what point your childrens welfare becomes so insignificant that a man ( using the term loosely) becomes more important than the children you gave birth to.

      Children learn by example, learn that abuse is ok if one is willingly accepting it and learning having a man at all costs is more important than even they are, if their mother is willing to die to have that man in her life regardless of what he does to her. The circle of abuse is passed down to another generation.

      Marrohop is more than right, NC is the only way. If not for your own sake but for that of your children.

      What will happen if that tea kettle is thrown at you child? That it is the childs head the pencil is stabbed into? What if it is the child that is sporting the bruise next time? Will it still be ok as long as he stays?

      Please give some thought to consulting a Domestic Violence Shelter and tell them exactly what your children are witnessing/have witnessed. They can outline for you the effects these things have on children residing in these kind of households. Please.


  10. I left mine during the second devaluation phase–where I sensed I was just about to be shown the door. Rather than waiting for him to shove me out, I decided to walk out of it myself. To everyone out there in that devaluation phase, please do yourselves a favor and get out now as Carrie says, to spare yourselves even more pain and confusion later on down the road. To everyone going through the pain of a discard, I am so sorry for what you are going through and please know there is light on the other side. We all had lives before these people entered them, and can gain them back! Hope and healing to everyone.


    1. Christine, thank you for shining the light for others to follow. You are right, there is life and love on the other side and it is so much better than we remembered it because now we know what the darkside is like. Much peace and happiness to you


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