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The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

Welcome, so you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest woman in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him having a bad day, or maybe he is sick, maybe he has a brain tumor, or he’s having a nervous breakdown, it will take a while before you go searching for answers about why the love of your life has turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then once I found Narcissist and JC fit the description almost to a T and our relationship was following the course described in various web sites I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion he could ever just toss you aside with nothing, and not even look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you know it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now. I only know of one of JC’s ex’s that left him before phase 3 and she is the only one to have gone on to other relationships with other men.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist


During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is in his or her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them. If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his or her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, be telling you how he wished he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to disarm the other person and to make the other person fall hard.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.


During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real man. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve such treatment. You may try to please a narcissist and try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough. He may treat you well out in public but behind closed doors he acts as if he loathes you. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally,┬ánow every thing turns into a fight. You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of setting him into a rage. Every thing is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Speaking of which he has an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the man you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse “available”, if the new relationship does not work out the way a narcissist is expecting. A narcissist is getting “kicks” when he or she is thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with a narcissist. This feeling serves as the source of a narcissistic supply. Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.


During the phase of discarding a narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs and wishes of the (soon-to-be former) spouse of a narcissist. A narcissist is ready to move on after either finding another source of a narcissistic supply or simply having drained the current source (the current spouse) dry. The current spouse no longer serves as a source of a narcissistic supply and the current spouse is no longer useful for a narcissist. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist. If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding the ego of a narcissist and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply as a narcissist feels you are now devastated after losing them and their “perfectness”. He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and .blaming you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and his new woman will be so smug about how special she is. You are left reeling, wondering what the hell happened, how could such a powerful love go so wrong. Not only does he dump you, kick you while you are down and spit on you, he will try to destroy your reputation, go on a smear campaign to win over your friends and even your family, he will accuse you of doing to him what he has done to you and make himself look like the victim. There is no staying friends with a narcissist even though he likes to keep his ex’s hooked as a back up supply and to keep the new woman on her toes. He will try to turn the children against you or get custody, they will leave you financially destitute, and emotionally devastated and taunt you to just kill yourself. They are evil and without mercy.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything e ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels so superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

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1,696 responses to “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  • Sonny

    I was with my N ex for almost 5 years. He was charming initially and swept me off my feet. After being with him for 1 month, he purchased a 1K diamond bracelet for Valentines Day. I was so excited, I didn’t think it was strange. He continued to make it all about me. I started to take notice and pulled back. He could never put his thumb on my head and make me comply to his way of thinking but you best believe he tried. We were constantly battling and I now know that I stayed for a long time because he had his hooks in me.

    He started lying and began to bring up old girlfriends. In each scenario, he was the victim. He tried very hard to make me feel sorry for him. I started to notice the multiple personalities. He was nice one day and cruel the next. The cruelty wasn’t directed at me, but he was constantly mad with the world for no reason. As he went through his routine, he started to blame me for everything. It was my fault he couldn’t find a job, it was my fault because I was a smart woman seeking my PhD and I should know how to create a resume that would get him noticed.

    He eventually started cheating. He met a woman on the road and started devaluing me. When he would say negative things to me, I would return the negativity in a very creative way. He did everything he could to break me, but I stood strong. Of course it wasn’t by my might, I started praying for myself and I asked God to protect me. I didn’t know what I was praying for, be He shielded me from what could have been a very bad situation.

    I got out before things got bad. While he was on the road, I broke it off. I told him I was aware of his infidelities and would not tolerate nor deal with it. I checked his email, which is something I never did. I learned he was dealing with four (4) women. I emailed them all and told them about our relationship, shared with them that I thought he was a narcissist and asked them to do their research. One emailed me back and thanked me. She too was confused because he started devaluing her as well.

    He blamed me for his cheating. He said it was my fault because I should have been a better woman. He told me I let it happen because I stopped making him feel important and putting him first. He told one of the women that I spent all of his money and I wasn’t responsible. At the time, he wasn’t making much money nor was he taking care of me. The money I spent was my own.

    The emotional battle was exhausting. I was fighting to keep my relationship, while trying to make changes in me to satisfy a man. Nothing I did ever worked. I am glad I was covered by God’s grace and mercy.

    Narcissism is real people. It is the closest to darkest I’ve ever been. There were times when I was mentally exhausted and confused. As I felt myself moving towards depression, I prayed more and I was given the strength and courage to leave. I started trusting myself and I got stronger. I connected with the love that lives within me and I was able to make it through. I realized there is only one spirit I cannot live without and It doesn’t walk on this earth.

    When you think there is no way out, keep praying, believing and knowing that God will make a way. I’m a living witness that things are possible when you believe. He did it for me and I know he will do it for you as well.

    Be encouraged!


    • Carrie Reimer

      Sonny, I am happy your faith helped you through your relationship with an N and thank you for sharing your experiences with everyone. Some victims find that their faith is badly damaged after being with an N. I lost my faith totally. I am slowly getting it back but it is no where near what it was at one time. When you deal with that kind of evil and they ruin everything good in your life it is hard to have faith in God. God did not start working in my life until I left James.
      Some victims don’t believe in God at all and they survive, it is a personal thing. When you see that kind of evil a person really hopes and prays there is a God because a narcissist is the closest thing to a devil any of us will ever see.

      Liked by 1 person

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