The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

 

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Welcome!

So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him/her having a bad day, or maybe they are sick, maybe they have a brain tumor, or they’re having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.

I was into the relationship for over 5 years before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found Narcissist and JC fit the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still didn’t believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believed everyone has good in them and I had seen the good side and if I loved him well enough I could bring that good side out again.

It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion they could ever just toss you aside with nothing and not even look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you know it is all your fault.

If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now.

I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive and ……. well………evil. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female.

The Phases of Loving a Narcissist

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Idealization

During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is on his/ her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes a person fall head over heels in love with them or feel they would be crazy to not love them. In the beginning I felt JC cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”

If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of the narcissist than the lover that the relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new lover, a narcissist is often claiming that he is very unhappy in his/her current relationship, the woman takes him for granted, abuses his good nature and he is carrying the load financially, in the home and emotionally. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago. He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new lover, etc. If you are the married one he will become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he will point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. You will feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he loves YOU. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to make the other person fall hard.

Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.

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Devaluation

During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. this is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. The narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he/she finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You try to “make him or her love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what they want seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a fight. He accuses you of being paranoid,  yet they are snooping through your phone and computer, (James even had a tracking device somewhere on my vehicle, I found a hidden camera and his sister found a wire running from the trailer to the barn that had a speaker on the end). They know they are out to destroy you, so assume you must be doing the same thing and want to make sure they get you before you get them.Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing. A rule to remember; If their lips are moving, they are lying. They can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, they can cry real tears and could get an academy award for their acting abilities.

They may be loving in public and then treat the soon-to-be-ex with disdain when they get home, yet expect the victim to stay loving and giving until the narcissist is firmed enmeshed in their new relationship. It is a very confusing time for the victim, one minute they are treated with disgust and the next the narcissist is loving, they are blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything they do to  mend the fences is never good enough. (I went years not knowing if we were broken up or a couple, he could tear me to shreds in the morning before he left for work and come home from work like nothing ever happened). The victim is accused of causing conflict, yet if they give in to the narcissist they are treated even worse.

Once the narcissist drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or the N finds better supply he is ready to move on and if they don’t have new supply lined up they set out to find a new source of NS. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you. The narcissist picks their love interest by what they have to offer, it might have been a roof over their head, the reputation of the victim, perhaps to advance their career, a parent for their child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.

You find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he is trying to win you over after a really bad fight. Female narcissist often use sex as a weapon, withholding or seducing to manipulate the man. Speaking of which they have an uncanny ability to sense when you have had enough and are ready to leave and will turn back into the sweet, appreciative, loving partner you fell in love with just long enough to reel you back in.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way the narcissist is hoping. The narcissist gets a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them.  Plus they get off on being able to pull something off right under the victim’s nose. The narcissist will fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing them or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. (James said he screwed around because I could have taken a different man home every night. I said, Key word is “could” have, I didn’t)

They often play one against the other creating triangulation, and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers vying for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance.  Often times they will leave evidence of their cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.

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Discarding

During the discarding phase the narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs or pain of the victim.  Once the victim is no longer useful to the N they discard them like yesterday’s garbage. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist.

Many victims will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then the narcissist sent an email saying it was over, or the victim is thrown out of the house with nothing, and the narcissist is immediately involved with “the love of their life” and the victim is a psycho bitch or abusive asshole. But when you talk to the victim it comes out that there were signs but the narcissist denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving them enough, made them feel if they only did this……… or that………… things would go back to the way they were. There had been abuse but the victim had just gotten so used to the N being hot and cold, the discord had just become “the way they were” and they believed the narcissist would never truly leave them. Then the victim discovers the narcissist was planning their exit for a long time, has been slandering the victim behind their back, hiding money, and has the victim’s replacement lined up.

If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding their ego and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. The narcissist wants you devastated at the thought of losing them and most victims ends up drained, confused, with their confidence and self-esteem in shreds. A feeling of doom pervades everything in their life and many suffer from PTSD. There is no way to have an amicable split from a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own family against you. If you have children he will turn them against you, he will even go so far as to try to get you fired, arrested on trumped-up charges, victims have even been committed to mental institutions because of the vicious actions of a narcissist.

Out of loyalty the victim didn’t talk behind the narcissist’s back so no one believes them when they try to explain what went on in the relationship. The narcissist has already told everyone who will listen that the victim is a paranoid psychopath who has made their life hell, so anything the victim says is taken as being vindictive and they are the psycho liar the N claims them to be. The narcissist must win, and that means they must take everything from the victim, leaving them with nothing to rebuild their lives. In their minds if you are of no use to them you are worthless. It is at this point the narcissist will have no qualms about killing you and the victim should be very careful (there is a free safety plan download at the top of the blog).

He/she will take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He will say how he has met the love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates and the new man or woman will be smug about how special they are. They will taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what they did to you, twist the facts to make themselves look the victim, they will never admit to any fault in the relationship and the victim ends up friendless with no support system because the narcissist carefully planned his/her exit and will just deny deny deny any of the victim’s claims of abuse. It is the victim’s worst nightmare, like they stepped into the twilight zone and are helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who has been there can understand and will believe the victim.

THEN, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he will pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologizing for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of the devil. As he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he is secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him. In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels so superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.

If you found this article helpful you will probably find the following posts of interest also.

http://ladywithatruck.com/2014/01/30/search-terms-on-narcissists/

http://ladywithatruck.com/xmlrpc.php

http://ladywithatruck.com/abuse-can-be-subtle-and-deadly/

http://ladywithatruck.com/2013/08/15/whats-in-a-name/

http://ladywithatruck.com/2013/11/01/did-heshe-ever-love-me-2/

2,319 thoughts on “The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist

  1. 11years

    Thank you Carrie I will read on! This is so informational! I needed it 11years ago!! 👍 My plan is to work on myself and learn how to identify these soul destroying bottom feeders! “SDBF’s” as I do not want this hotmess to ever end up on my plate again.

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  2. LiZ

    OMFG….. YOUR STORY WAS SI HELPFUL TO ME I WAS IN A 3YR RELATIOSHIP WITH AN NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE THAT PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH. I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE HELL WAS HE LIKE THAT BUT THAN GOD I BEEN LEARNING LITTLE BY LITTLE AND THIS STORY RELATED SO MUCH THAT AT THIS POINT ALL I WANNA DO IGNORE AND NEVER SEE HIM FOR GOOD. THANK YOU 😁😊😊

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Liz so glad that the post resonated with you. i think you will find that an article will really hit home and you will feel redeemed for a while and then the self doubt will creep in again. If it does we are here for you. no contact is the only way to deal with these bottom feeders so keep that attitude and you will heal much faster. Dont give him any crack to squeeze through because he will use it to bring you back down and doubting yourself again.
      come back as often as you need. We will be here for moral support.
      hugs

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  3. Nicole Greaney

    A friend directed me to this site and I now see what has happened to me over the past few years. I met a crazy and extremely narcissitic scottish man through work. I’ll call him john. He was older and senior. In his forties and a senior investments manager. He pretended to be going through marriage troubles. His boys were very young, one a toddler. He had come from London and didn’t know many people in town.
    I suppose I felt sorry for him and was deceived by any attention. He could work people out and mirror them. He seemed to enjoy getting the better of customers. He fed of attention. After getting involved with this man. On and off for a few years. I now see from reading this site that he is an entirely fake person. He cared only for himself and bled others dry.. I was useful for local knowledge and had my own home in a nearby village. In the beginning they seem like nice people and they suck you into their drama.. Then you are walking on egg shells and they are unhappy and blaming you for everything. Going silent, starting arguments, screwing around, lying and trying to make you feel like the crazy one. I made excuses for him. Thought it was his marriage break down. It got worse. Each time I forgave him, he’d act nice and then start the nastiness all over again. He travelled for sales and was easily hooking up with other women, clients and maybe men. When I confront him, he’d say I was mad. He was obsessed with how he appeared to others. He’d flirt with anyone for attention. He showed no respect for me. He hated my brothers. He was always contacting his ex wife and saying it was her fault. He delighted in making me jealous. I couldn’t trust him. It was ok one minute then devalue and discard me. Nothing was ever his fault. Then he’d be gone for a while and then Hoover which I now see as his other supply routes rejecting him. Underneath a suit and charm he is a nasty bald man who loves only himself and tried to ruin me. I pity his boys. I think he does not even care about them but pretends he does. I cannot believe I met and was tricked by such a nasty liar but it can happen to anyone. Thank you for helping me understand. Before I did not know such people existed. I was a victim who wasted time with this creep.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nicole i am glad your friends recommended you come here. Please come back and read more and talk more we all care and we all know how you feel. YOu are not alone and you did not waste any time, you learned a lesson and with time and continued education on the subject you will come out on the other side more self aware, stronger, more at peace and you won’t repeat history. Take time to heal and to learn as much as you can.
      We are here to help.
      Hugs

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  4. Maxwell

    After looking up so many websites on narcissists, this has been the best by far! It’s like you met my ex and wrote an article on him. Thank you so much!

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  5. Farelle

    I don’t even know what to think right now. I was 7 years in a relationship that at first seemed to be the perfect fit, everything was better than ever before in my life and then suddenly it started changing…to be exactly, he claimed that I did things wrong, which of course, of my already low self esteem and not really having lived together with someone before, I believed him…for a while…then I started arguing him…and then it just got worse. It was a constant fight, every day, if I did not “give in” to whatever he said, I “must have been” the one who thinks wrong, who is on the wrong site, who just isnt understanding what he is talking about, which meant hours over hours over hours of discussion until I would give in. It was always like I’m going crazy, I couldn’t know who was right and I’m usually fine with just letting opinions be, if it’s too stressfull, since I would not consider it “worth it” to fight over opinions….but he insisted, he said its critical that I understand him…he said, if I go away just to take a break from it, that I make him suffer for it not being “resolved” for him. He said I must be dumb or stupid or naive to believe the things i say and not the things that he says…that he has so much more experience than I have and that he knows so much better….and when I go against that, he just accused ME of being at fault for discussing and fighting so long, that it’s me creating “an elephant” out of nothing, thats it’s me who is seeking the fights, wanting to fight and that he just wants to have harmony….
    and even though I had warning signs everywhere, I could not do anything about it, because I was too afraid that I AM the one being wrong….

    After 7 years though…I broke up…seeing clearly that it’s not going anywhere…specially since every time he said “oh it’s running well now, why are you not always like this?” a day later he accused me of suddenly stopping to be like that….or found other reasons to criticise me….it was never good enough and also “of course” every time he found something faulty, he made it into that I must be maliciously doing it….
    And all of this was not ending well…despite him always saying how much he tries to keep in contact with his exes (which was fine with me, since i don’t like it when people hate each other after break up, like they would have never loved each other)
    He threatened me, that he would like to kill me even and that he has all the rights to make me suffer, because I made HIM suffer so much, like I deserve it….>.>

    What I wanted to say though, when I started writing a response to your post, is that I found my situation…those 7 years of my past relationship in it….I was reading so much about narcistic behavior since the breakup and there are still some “open” things that I do not believe that he did….but I can not be sure about it. And it might not make a difference in identifying if he is narcistic or not….
    your post was different from all I was reading before…it was fitting alot more…and i could recognize ALL the stages and reading that it’s not uncommon to get PTSD from that experience, kinda shocked me, even though I know it’s true…I’m struggling alot with what happened, specially my self esteem and I’m always afraid and looking for signs to see if in my current relationship the same signs are appearing again…it is frustrating…crushing…depressing and I’m angry somewhat, that this man could do this to me, afterall he knew about me, that I already had an awful past before that….
    I’m glad that I found someone who is very understanding, sensitive and who is supporting me, but I can’t help but feel bad that he is experiencing the “aftermatch” I had with my ex…the way I’m still bashing myself for not being good enough….
    I was being told to not immediately go into another relationship, but when everything came crashing down, I was happy to have a friend I can share everything with, to have someone who truly cares about me and to get to know how a relationship can be good also.

    I’m still having troubles to believe that my ex was like that…I have proof for him, actual factual proof for alot of the bad stuff he did, but I really can not that easily get past it, to think that it was somehow also my fault…I guess that’s afterall what he also aimed for, trying to make me doubt anything I think or believe. Your post helped me open my eyes a little bit more, seeing how this description is almost 100% him and the parts that i can not identify with him, were probably different, because of the way we had chosen how we want the relationship to be….
    I’m sad, that I have to aknowledge this truth about him, that I have to accept that it wasn’t all my fault, but I’m also glad that I wasn’t crazy….that it wasn’t just my imagination that he got overly critical etc….these stages are just fitting too well. And that it’s not even my fault that I was falling for him, but that he very likely just was very good at hitting all the right buttons to make me fall for him….

    thank you, this will help me to heal a little bit more.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Farelle, you are welcome i am glad it is helpful. How long were you out of the relationship before you got involved with your new partner? and how fast did the second relationship go? was it a whirlwind relationship also? I am just thinking that maybe you are not imagining red flags with your new partner, but maybe they actually ARE red flags. it is SO common that a victim jumps from the frying pan into the fire after a narcissist.
      Ideally a victim really needs to heal before getting involved again simply because no one else can heal you, you end up relying on the new partner for your self worth and need their approval to feel good about yourself; which is very unhealthy and puts a huge strain on any relationship. have you been to therapy? and YES the majority of victims suffer from PTSD.
      Come here as often as you need to sort out your feelings and get feed back. I have a feeling there is a lot more going on than you may realize. Just a gut instinct.
      We are here. Hugs

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      1. Farelle

        you must have missunderstood me. I tried to make clear that in my new relationship I’m not seeing any signs of narcisstic behavior and I do know him for almost 3 years now, we are living together for 1,5 years and we are both going to a therapist regularly…what I was merely talking about is, that because of that traumatic experience with my past relationship, I’m still struggling with bad thoughts, anxiety, depression etc. and additionally with some childhood stuff, it has nothing to do with my new relationship.

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Oh sorry I did misunderstand. I still feel it is better to heal before dating so you don’t take baggage into a new relationship. So many times the victim feels they can heal themselves with a new love. At first it seems to work but those feeling lay dormant for years sometimes and always rear their ugly heads sooner or later. A person has to work through the pain, anger, etc.and take the time to heal. There are no short cuts.

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            1. Farelle

              argh, I didn’t want to press send so soon XD.
              I don’t want to tell everything from our “story” but me and my new partner, went both through alot of crap in our lifes and we were both aware of it, that it wouldn’t be easy and that we will need to talk alot and that there will be times, when we may react based on our experiences, out of fear the past experiences with other people could happen again. We are also both aware of it, that no one can do the healing “for us” that each of us, has to heal for themselves, that we can’t make the other one responsible for us.
              The same way how you advice, that no one should go to soon into a new relationship, I would not advise anyone else to do it either. That I did “jump” relatively early into a new relationship was a decision based on my own special circumstances and I knew that person already for some time.
              Out of curiosity btw. I’m hearing it so often that it’s being advised to not go into a relationship too early, but what is too early?
              Because in my experience, even if you do get “better” after some time has passed, it won’t go away completely and I can imagine that some issues will only show up while being in a relationship. So where do you set the “treshhold”?
              I’m also asking, because I was or am still afraid that even after being in that new relationship for 1 1/2 years now, that the relatively short time that passed between my old relationship and the new one, could still be seen as a negative “factor”.
              I don’t like it, that I feel afraid of talking how my new relationship came to be, because it seems so easily judged on some very few information, that in my opinion is not what really matters.

              I’m happy and content in my new relationship :o Sure I have my bad days, same way he has some bad days, but we are talking about those things and in overall it feels “healthy” and other people who see us together usually think that we seem to laugh so much all the time. We are trying to support each other and we accept each other for how/who we are.
              Besides that since I got together with him, I got closer contact to friends and family again and are in overall less depressed and anxious than I was before, maybe ever in my life.
              Compared to my old relationship, I don’t feel threatened to come home, I actually feel at home, I don’t need to be afraid of being myself, I don’t need to walk on eggshells and I don’t need to dress differently than I feel comfortable with. We share household chores and we share who is taking care of the baby. When I went through pregnancy he did everything for me I asked for :) (and I think alot of couples are getting problems with all the pregnancy issues and old memories coming up due to hormones etc.) And since half a year we have a baby together and we are always getting told how content and happy she seems to be (isn’t that a good indication?) Sometimes he is doing so much for me, that I feel insecure about not having done enough for him, but he always says that he doesn’t want anything back :) That i should only give him when I really feel like it and that he is also giving me because he feels like it.
              In a way we have very clear rules:
              -we are not responsible for the other ones emotions
              -give, when you want to give
              -don’t change for the other person, and if you WANT to change, start very small
              -don’t fullfill any imagined expectations
              (if someone wants something, have to say it clearly, not leaving open for interpretations or using hints
              -don’t keep bad thoughts within yourself, talk about it, specially those, when you felt like it could hurt the other one or if you thought the other one would be hurting you, it’s important to be open about negative emotions, so they are not eating us from inside out

              Considering how much it works me up, when my anxieties are pressing through, when someone is mentioning only the “possibility” that something COULD be off (and big parts of that anxiety come from within me and the way how my ex was trying to make me think that I MADE him behave crappy) and how insecure Iam of how a good relationship looks like…I’m actually wondering why there are no more articles about what “good signs” a relationship should have, with specific focus on narcisstic relationship “survivors”

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              1. Carrie Reimer Post author

                Farrelle, all really good questions and I think I will make today’s post about it. Look for it later today. But you seem to have found a man who is willing to put in the effort and that is all anyone can hope for. Relationships are tough at the best of times; I think the single most important thing in a healthy relationship is honesty and respect.
                Thanks for the idea for a post.
                Hugs

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                1. Farelle

                  that sounds great :) thanks for responding, you definitely didn’t meet my expectations (which is a good thing ) and I actually for once felt listened to :) it’s so hard to find people that actually understand those kind of situations well enough, to have gentle conversation about it. I’m looking forward to future posts and maybe I should give the forums a try also at some point.

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  6. Aprilny

    5 years I was with this man. He came on strong , he fell in love first with me. He loved everything about me. He loved the way I looked and my style and my body. He collected photos of me in his phone and would send me one and say you are so beautiful in this picture. Then he would start fights with me and tell me I dress like I’m 20 or look in the mirror maybe you should get Botox. I would call h a Drama queen because he always had to have drama around even though he denied it. After 5 years he just dumped me. I was completely heartbroken and he did it via a text message. He refused to sit down face to face as adults to talk and said he didn’t love me anymore. He would ignore my texts or calls and tell me I was harassing him. He would stop by my job and then just drive away. I knew in my heart he had someone else. I knew he wouldn’t be alone. He is very charming and even though he is on the heavier side he is a good looking guy. Yesterday he called me to talk. He tells me that people think I am crazy and that I have ruined lives. I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. He tells me that an anonymous person ( and he knows its me) contacted a girls boyfriend (that she lives with) and said he was having an affair with her and it was all lies and now her boyfriend went by his house and took pictures of him and his house. I asked him why he was dragging my name into an obvious love triangle he was having with this girl and how does his indiscretion become my problem? He says the girl has never been at his house and he doesn’t talk to her. Obviously her boyfriend had her followed and has concrete proof. But somehow she told the boyfriend that he has a crazy ex and it must all be my fault. I texted him this morning and said give me this guy’s name and number so I can clear my name. I didn’t do anything and how dare he drag my name through the mud over something he did. Of course he lies and says he doesn’t know the guy’s name because he still stands by his story about he doesn’t even know this girl and she has never been in his house. I told him cellphone records don’t lie and I’m sure her boyfriend has more info then he thinks been he realizes that his Tory doesn’t hold water and that I am not going to sit and let them drag my name into his shit then he texts me to stop texting him and harassing him. I am so disgusted right now that after 5 years he will let this girl and himself use me as a scapegoat.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      April, they are all the same. there is no way of knowing what the truth is. They lie for the sake of lying, he is trying to make you feel bad, have self doubt, and keep obsessing about him. It is all manipulation, for whatever reason. Try to not bite the bait, he WILL slander you and lie about you, they all do. He will tell everyone that you are a psycho bitch and vindictive. That is just what they do. But try to not react because that is what he wants, then he can say “See I told you she is a bitch” and he is getting your attention and that is what he lives off of. Knowing he has the power to get you upset and consumed with him again. he doesn’t care what form the attention comes in, anger, love, fear, pity, sadness………….as long as he is getting attention and triangulation is a great source of attention. Get the other woman and the victim battling over him. Who cares about the other woman’s boyfriend? you certainly don’t. Don’t let him drag you into their shit, so far you are because you are reacting. Stop reacting and stop communicating with him; then you won’t be dragged into his shit, block him everywhere and refuse to play the game. That is the best way to stop it and to get on with your life.

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  7. Teague Solon

    This was very helpful, it showed me that the nature of the narcissist is the same despite gender differences. My exgirlfriend did all of this same stuff to me. I am currently in the discard phase with my exgirlfriend and she’s showing the classic signs of being on her best behavior but i know it’s a trick. I will admit that it is quite hypnotizing. I wasn’t perfect but I did what I could to improve my own faults in our relationship. As I would try to improve, she would reap the benefits and remain the same. Whenever she felt that she lost an argument she would threaten to kill herself and just tell me how much she wanted to die. I let this go on for 5 years until she forgot my birthday this year and then shorty after,she cheated on me. She let me believe that we were both slipping away and even sent me a link to a song called ‘Slipping Away’. I put everything I had into that relationship and have come out of it burned and broken while she has already moved on. Sorry for the rant, hopefully it’s read by people who understand.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Teague, have no worries every one reading your comment understands and relates. No worries about your rant, that is what we are here for. Keep reading and educating yourself about them it helps to know what to expect and that others have been through what you have and to know there is nothing more you could have done. It was not your fault.
      HUgs

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    2. tiffany

      I understand . I’m getting ready to leave my narcissistic male . I’m afraid , tired , broken hearted , and disappointed . I realize now that of I stay the emotional feelings will be the death of me . I can’t wait to get back on top .

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  8. alycia

    Hi. Thank you for all your insight. I am a 43 yr old woman and I was in an 11 yr “relationship” with another woman (46 yrs old). On 2/18/15 I received what I have learned to be narcissistic rage. NO ONE has ever said the things she said to me….cruel & hurtful to the core…all while she was crying and “hyper-ventilating”. For the next 3 weeks she began her smear campaign while feeding my the weirdest craziest comments…”I need to get my cockiness back”; “I am going to be selfish, selfish, selfish”; and looking in the mirror w/ sunglasses on & saying “I look like a movie star”. Now, mind you, thus is a Harvard educated dentist practicing on 5th Ave in NYC!. I thought she was going crazy. On 3/9/15 I came home to an empty apt (except for my clothes, a bed, a couch, 1 TV and some plants)…my kitchen was COMPLETELY empty and my 2 dogs were also gone!!! Granted this is a woman who owns 3 other fully furnished, uninhabited ptoperties!! At least she left me toilet paper. I had to cry beg and plead to get 1 of my dogs back. She admitted she was punishing me for “who I am”. I treated this woman very very well for 11 yrs. Come to find she was setting up her new supply weeks before she walked out and the OW was the one who came into our home and removed everything with my ex narc. She refused to speak to me except to accuse me of abusing her. Too many numerous events to list. After Googling and speaking with a therapist I have come to realize she is a covert narc with a pattern of this behavoir (was never informed before…recently her mom admitted it). My clothes from other hones were left in boxes with my concierge. Why does she even still come to my building….oh…bc she still works out in the gym here bc OW lives her! I have had to change my schedule as to not run into them. She never cared when I was sick…almost like I was in the way…once while traveling in Venezuela..I was sick and slept ing and in between her “sunning herself outside” she came in and had sex with me. I was so delirious. She accused me of being controlling when it’s actually her. Projection! Needless to say I have remained calm, believe in the beauty of people and life and have a great supportive family and therapist…karma works so well if you let it. The OW is under investigation by our board for stealing $..she used to be treasurer. She has no job or friends and I hear from the grapevine is NOW the one trying to control my ex narcissist. And my ex narc? Well she finds herself in a situation where she got involved with the wrong person. The OW is a psychopath! The lessons we must learn, demons we must face and as the Buddhists say…the mirror image. Good luck to them both!

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  9. Nic

    Finding this site and reading your post, it was like you knew my ex partner personally and you was telling our story.
    My ex partner cut me off four weeks ago. Completely. I am blocked on all communication levels, he moved to his mums, found a new friendship circle and just disappeared. We had three months to the build up of complete cut off but in this time he did ignore me but always came back, I found him on tinder and when I confronted him he took great pleasure in telling me how much he was enjoying the site and what some of the girls were saying and doing. In arguments he would tell me he’d already fucked some of them, but then come running back saying he never could because it would never be me, I was his match. I never thought he would walk away. He was verging on obsessed with me until he decided he’d got a bit bored. In the build up of desertion the tables turned I became vulnerable and needy and was willing to work through everything, including two infidelities. One of the infidelities was filmed by a friend and shown to other friends.humiliating. He lost respect for me because he thought he’d just got away with it. He blamed me for everything.
    Every argument every cheating episode, my fault he smashed my phone up and smashed up a huge mirror in my home, because he thought id had sex with someone whilst in the toilet that night.
    I was accused of having sex if I did a 5 minuet round trip to the shop, even looking on the car seats for clues and hair, and making me show him my knickers.
    We did have substance abuse in our relationship, so therefore I out everything down to that, not his personality disorder.
    Now that he is gone and he did it by email, just saying he is happier on his own from the man who couldn’t function unless he was by my side at all times. We used to work with each other , until he tried to beat up the boss for disrespecting me (turned out my fault) ev n in work he would fight for my attention. People became exhausted of trying to talk to me without him.
    I thought our physical connection was still something that was another level, the thought of him being that intimate with someone else makes me physically revolt, but he was able to walk away, not until he came back one last time told me we are magnets he can’t live without me. Physically took as much as he could, I looked him in the eye and begged him not to hurt me again, he promised and walked away a few hours later.
    Since we parted I have become slightly dependant on substances to numb the pain but I’ve also sent email after email with very few responses. And if I did get a response it was a cold degrading attack.
    I’ve stopped that now.
    He told me who hates me including his family and friends even mocking me on social media. And he is putting up pictures of him in his new life surrounded by women. I have three children. He told me when we got together he never wanted his own and he pushed his way into their lives buying gifts homework taking them to school, he now says he is too young doesn’t want them as a responsibility and he wants his own children with someone who won’t take away the first time round specialness because I’ve already done it.
    I am completely broken. It feels like he is dead. I am destroying myself I’m unhappy IM lost I see no future and I feel very alone and a failure. He demanded my life. My love and he then destroyed it. I do not think I’ll ever really get over it.
    I’m going to the doctors said in a few days I can’t keep numbing the pain with substances and shut myself off in my room with literally no interest of living life.
    My children will suffer so I’m going to ask for help to be strong.
    I’m so thankful for your site I now know I’m not just a obsessed ex girlfriend because no body understands how safe and contented he tricked me to feel.
    Because him he is living life happy dating women and hasn’t once ever thought to maybe just maybe check im ok.
    Oh no he did via work colleagues so that it winds me when they tell me he text to ask how I was, just so I don’t forget.
    Wish me luck. I have a vision of myself once I’m through this desolate tone, I just really hope I do get there

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nic, welcome! I am so glad you found some answers here. Please continue to read; there is lots of valueable info here on all aspects of the N and on healing. You are not alone any more and you are not at fault. When you read a post; read the comments also, there are many stories amongst these posts and they are scarily very similar. Seeing how much they were all alike reaffirmed to me that I was not crazy or at fault like he kept trying to tell me.
      I advise you to go completely no contact, yes I know you said he has done that but you have to also because he will do a curtain call and try to suck you back in again.
      They are evil toxic people who feed off the pain they inflict on others. 90% of them will keep the ex around as long as the victim keeps taking it and the abuse only gets worse.
      They need someone to bleed for them and they can’t show their true colours to the new women/woman so the ex is the lucky one. He expects you to quietly go in a corner broken and just a puddle of emotion waiting for him to grace you with his glorious presence.
      You have to stay strong and not drink his koolaid. He will do everything within his power to keep you broken and dependent on him.
      As long as he is in your life it is impossible to heal. It is an addiction of sorts. You have been brainwashed, suffered mental torture equivalent to what POW’s experience. More than likely you have PTSD. Seeing your doctor is a very good idea.
      We are here if you need to talk, vent, cry ask questions. We care.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  10. Pingback: After the Lovin’- Five things a Narcissist will do after a Breakup | Art by Rob Goldstein

  11. Kerry

    Reading this is scary , I am currently in the ‘off’ period of a 4 year on and off relationship with a narcissist, that article is like I have written it word for word , I am the paranoid, insecure freak that has trust issues and needs help !! At the minute he is doing the I am so sad and lonely and will do anything it takes for us to work ,, I moved in with him in April this year after nearly 4 years on and off , the first 2 years of that he was living with another eoman who ‘he didn’t love, ‘had separate rooms’ and ‘seperate lives ‘ .. After moving into a joint house with him in April he just switched off from me and did the accusing, belittling, ignoring, then nice, then nasty vile names , blaming, and nothing I did was good enough .. I got up and walked out in may , yes literally 4 wks into it !! Left with no home, no money, nothing .. He didn’t try to find me, even though he knew where I was didn’t contact me just made out I had left him distraught and broken , he lost 2 stone and supposedly was so depressed .. We began speaking again and after deciding ok he sees where it went wrong and he didn’t mean to hurt me we decided to try again .. Taking our time and going as slow as we needed to start back at the beginning to make it work.
    Yet 2 weeks into it he kicked off as he was being led up the garden path and used and made to dangle and I was making a fool of him cos I wouldn’t tell people we were trying again .. Again a week after not speaking (after the usual vileness ) he now wants to try again … I can’t help but think it’s just going to be the same over and over again especially after reading this ,.. But they have a way to make you just have enough doubt in yourself to want to believe that they really do love you and want you …. Aaaaarrrgghhh it’s driving me mad !!

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