Why Am I Not Enough?

I received this heart wrenching comment on the blog yesterday and wanted to address it in a stand alone post because, although it doesn’t happen often, I have had other women come in the blog with the same issue. First let’s read the comment from “Jane” and then I will discuss it.

“From the start he told me he wanted a one sided intimate thing with me and no relationship like girlfriend boyfriend. the narc was married once.From the start I cared for him and went along with this nightmare.He is cold aloof angry and says he has no feelings for anyone including me.He doesn’t like any closeness and the intimacy is for him only without being graphic.L can’t sleep at his house.Only please him there and he takes me home.No hanging out or staying at his house.From his bedroom to his car to home.Why does he act this way? Do you think he was hurt by some female and now protecting himself from me? That’s not a typical narc because they have no feelings.I’m looking for excuses for why I am staying with him.Why do I care for a man who treats me like dirt and everytime I go home from seeing him I cry and so depressed.I feel so alone and empty and horrible but yet I can’t leave him.Why is he putting this cold,onesided wall between us.Please can you explain why he doesn’t want a relationship with me but had one when he was married. I am always sad and feel like I’m dead inside.I’m not happy like I was before I met him.Why do I care for him? Can you tell me please?”

Jane, your pain and confusion is heart wrenching and it’s very obvious how unhappy you are. I am sorry you, for whatever reason; feel you are not deserving of love and respect and have spent the last 18 months with a man who treats you with less respect than he would a prostitute. I hate to put it that bluntly but there is not much more a man could do to a woman to prove she is worthless to him. A prostitute has control, she chooses when she will have sex and how much she will charge, she decides what sex acts she will perform and which ones she won’t. A prostitute has no expectations of the relationship going any where and she is quite happy to take her pay for services rendered and go home. The man you are seeing is not even giving you the respect of valuing the sex he gets from you. Is it any wonder you go home and are depressed, crying and feel horrible about yourself, yet you continue to see him. Why? Very good question.

I am not a professional therapist and I know nothing about your past, if this is history repeating itself with every relationship you have had or if you were abused as a child, felt abandoned as a child etc And we certainly don’t have the time to get into all that here. I think you would benefit greatly if you got into therapy with a reputable counselor and investigate why you find it so hard to set boundaries, demand respect and would settle for a man who treats you like garbage.

All I can do is touch on the generic reasons for you to be in this relationship and feel you can not walk away. I think I will do it in point form for the sake of brevity, not importance.

  1. I am not going to discuss the reasons I think he does the things he does because I don’t see him as the one with issues. I am not convinced he is even a narcissist. Everyone is calling everyone else a narcissist these days, it is the go to buzz word whenever a person gets hurt, the person doing the hurting must be a narcissist. No, sometimes they are just not that into you. I will tell you what I told my son when he started dating and having sex.

I explained that women tend to give sex for love and women find it very hard to just have casual sex. Men can have sex with anyone whether they are really attracted to the person or not but women are different, when they have sex, chemicals are released that make them more trusting and fall in love more easily. It is human nature, nothing you can do about it. I do not believe you have to wait until marriage to have sex but you do have to be honest. Never tell a woman you love her in order to get her into bed, as long as you are honest about your intentions it is her responsibility to say no or accept that it is just sex without strings.  That said there are women who will tell you that they are fine with casual sex when they really aren’t, not many women can have no strings attached sex. If you see that happening you need to end the relationship because she is going to get hurt and even if you were honest and tell her a dozen times you are not interested in a relationship,every time you have sex with her she is going to think maybe you love her. Some women will just not accept the truth and it would be wrong to take advantage of that. (I want to put a caveat in here. I always had a very open and honest relationship with my son, not all men, especially older men would have heard that kind of advice coming from their mom) I also told my son to be sure to use protection at all times because there are women out there who will be so intent on making a relationship happen, they will purposely get pregnant.

In my heart I really do believe a woman, especially a middle aged woman; needs to be responsible for her own happiness and well being and if a man tells her he is not interested in anything more than casual sex on his terms she has to either accept that (fine, we are all adults nothing wrong with a sexual relationship if that is what they both want) or move on.

2. There are a couple of red flags of a narcissistic relationship that are consistent through all narcissistic relationships and they are;

  • they are all pathological liars
  • it is always a whirlwind romance in the beginning. They can’t gt enough of you, they thought they had been in love before but now they know what true love is, you are soul mates, you are perfect, he wants to be with you constantly, professing his undying love. It might not last long because as soon as the narcissist feels he has the victim firmly hooked he will start the devaluing stage

Those two elements are not in your relationship from what you have told me so I tend to think he is exactly what he told you he is; he doesn’t want a relationship, he just wants sex. If you are going to tolerate that why should he change? He is getting exactly what he said he wanted, you are the one being dishonest. You are the one who has spent the last 18 months wondering why he doesn’t love you and what is wrong with you when you should be saying, “This man can not give me what I need. I need to move on so I can find  a man prepared to and capable of giving me what I need.”

3. He has done nothing to warrant your love and devotion. You have created a fantasy love relationship with him in your mind. It does not exist. Victims of narcissistic abuse are led to believe the N loves them with all his heart, they are promised forever, he is their knight in shining armor so they have a basis for their love and it is embedded in their brain by the narcissist and when he withdraws his affection the victim tries to win back his love. But in your case he didn’t lie, he didn’t pretend, he was straight up honest and you created the whole fantasy in your own head. For 18 months you have pined away for a love that isn’t there and imagined how wonderful it would be to be in love and in a relationship with him, if only he loved you. Do you see the problem here? You are refusing to accept him for who he is. You were attracted to a man, and randomly you have created your fantasy love relationship in your head with him. You are in love with someone who is only in your head, he doesn’t exist any where but in your own mind and you have brain washed yourself to believe that if only this man would love you the two of you would ride off into the sunset happily ever after.

4. Our brains only know what we put in it. We say things like “I can’t stop thinking about him” “I can’t stop obsessing.” But we can, we control our brains, not the other way around. We are born with a blank slate and our brains store information from the day we are born to the day we die. We all get fed misinformation throughout our life and we believe lies about ourselves or other people. Every thought we have, every reaction we have comes from the information we have been given in some form or another throughout our life. I suspect that at some point in your early life you were made to feel you were not worthy of love and being treated with respect. That you had to give sex in order to get love. You have the power to change the way you view things. You created the relationship, you are the only one who can uncreate it. It will take effort on your part, but every time you find yourself thinking you love him and can’t walk away, stop yourself (every time you think a thought you bury it deeper in your psyche and the quicker your mind will go there. It is a vicious cycle that only you can stop) and tell yourself the truth. Literally write it out and say it out loud to yourself whenever you start thinking you love him and can’t live without him. Something like this

“He does not love me and has given me no reason to love him. I deserve and am worth so much more than what he can give me. He has proven to me that he is incapable of loving me. That does not mean I am unlovable or that I am flawed in any way. This is not love and I do not need it in my life. I am capable of protecting myself, I am strong, I am a grown woman who deserves to be treated with respect.” Keep saying it over and over again, or any other version of the same thing, as long as it reinforces you are enough, you are strong etc and not listing all your flaws.

5. You seem to think that because he was once married he is capable of love and commitment and that there must be something wrong with you if he doesn’t love you. Did you ever think that maybe he wasn’t any different in his marriage and that is why he is no longer married? Maybe he was a cold bastard to his wife and she finally left him and he was smart enough to realize he doesn’t like being married and he should be honest about that with women? Marriage does not indicate an ability to love and be faithful. A 30 year marriage does not indicate two happy people, ask anyone who was married to a narcissist for 10-20-30 years. You really are creating a whole person in your head and running on misguided truths.

6. Another possibility is that you are actually afraid of commitment and true honest intimacy,  so you seek out men who are unable to commit, keeping yourself “safe”. Purposely picking a man who reject you right from the start of the relationship protects you from ever truly opening up and exposing your most vulnerable areas and being rejected for it.

It is human nature to want to be loved and wanted, we are born needy and with any luck we are raised by parents who ensure we always know we are loved and accepted, who encourage us to express our feelings and be the best version of us we can be. But humans are fallible, our parents are packing baggage from their past that they may inadvertently unload on us. They may have unrealistic expectations of who we should be and not allow us to develop into our own person. Other people may be raised to believe love is conditional, or that we are totally unlovable no matter how hard we try to be what they want. Maybe your parents were perfect but you were abused my a relative, or teacher, or you were raped and never dealt with the after math or were made to feel it was your fault. There is endless reasons why you may feel you are not worthy of love not even respect. I truly feel that if you find out what these lies are that you believe about yourself and have subconsciously reinforced your whole life, you will find the answer to why you can’t walk away.

What can you do about it right now?

I know it is easier said than done; but you really need to go no contact. Without explanation or excuses or ultimatums. You need to take a break from any relationship and find out who you are and why you don’t like yourself.

Dr Phil said one time, “We teach people how to treat us.” and it is very true. This fellow you are seeing treats you the way he does because you let him. You think that if you don’t give him what he wants when he wants it, he will leave you. You don’t realize that you would not be losing anything. Neither would he, because he has nothing invested in the relationship, he can always find a woman for sex. Don’t you want a man who enjoys all of you? values you and worries as much about losing you as you worry about losing him? A love relationship where both people are invested and you are not the only one. Love does not hurt like this, co-dependency hurts like this, unmet expectations hurts like this, not living true to your core being hurts like hell, not having boundaries hurts, never having your feelings considered hurts, BUT the most hurtful thing happening in your life right now is the lies you are telling yourself about yourself. I am sure you would not let a friend carry on with a man like this knowing she is short changing herself and allowing herself to be abused and used. Do you have a daughter? wouldn’t it break your heart to see her lower herself to this level? Have as much compassion for yourself as you would anyone else.

We are here as moral support any time.




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Finding Inner Peace Even When Your World Is Falling Apart

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I have been rather scarce around here lately. I have started many posts but never completed them, it’s not that I was so busy with other things, just not motivated to do much of anything. My doctor quadrupled my meds which have lousy side effects, there are physical side effects of not too pleasant IBS which make it impossible for me to leave the house some days, itching skin and rashes, lack of motivation, lack of energy and dizziness, plus depression. As if everything else wouldn’t make a person depressed anyway! On top of all that I was recently rear ended and my neck injury from years ago has flared up. So I have not been on here posting or replying to comments much.

I needed to take some time to myself, regroup, and come back fresh, or fresher any way.

Being told by the doctor  I could die at any second kinda threw me for a loop also. We all know we are going to die and most of us have no idea when that will be. I could step out the door and be hit by a truck, struck by lightning, fall in the shower but to be told you shouldn’t be alive or functioning at the level you are makes everything very tentative and uncertain. Then to be denied disability yet again leaves you feeling helpless and totally frustrated. No way you can work without asking to drop dead yet not able to get enough money to live. WTF??!!

I was sent to a counselor to help deal with everything and she said the same thing the last counselor said, “I have every right to be depressed, I don’t need a counselor, I need help financially, I need the government to implement the changes to the welfare system that were recommended in 2009!

Both counselors were surprised at how self aware I am and impressed with my positive and realistic views about life. They both expressed surprise that I was able to accomplish this level of awareness without help of a therapist. I have always had a desire to grow as a person and I have taken several courses on effective communication mainly because I found it difficult to express my feelings without crying or getting angry, I often bottled up my emotions, finally exploding and then regret things I said.

Not everyone is self aware nor wants to be but I credit my own quest for self awareness for my being able to heal myself. Some people swear they healed through yoga and others find inner peace through meditation, but they also require self awareness. I want to share my steps to healing but it may not be for everyone, you have to do what works for you.

It is easy to get stuck in victimhood. No one wants to admit they had anything to do with their own abuse and they cling to their victimhood like a life raft. It becomes their identity, like being a mother or wife can become a person’s identity. As long as they are a victim they don’t have to take responsibility for their hurt. “It’s not MY fault, he lied”. There was a benefit to me to continue being a victim, I don’t have to make any decisions, I didn’t have to face facts, I didn’t have to leave, I didn’t have to stand up for myself and risk being called selfish or having someone not like me. Even people seeing me as a victim was ok because a victim has no fault, after all they are a victim. The only thing about viewing yourself as a victim is that means you are helpless to stop it from ever happening again.

As a victim you can study up on the traits of a narcissist and console yourself by reading them over and over again, that is why it happened, it wasn’t my fault, he is evil, he sucked me in I was helpless. Don’t get me wrong, no one knew what they were getting into and we all were victims in the beginning and we suffered horrible emotional if not physical abuse. But we all ignored a little inner voice that was telling us something was not right.

I know that I was terribly offended if anyone even hinted at the possibility that I had any responsibility for what happened to me. BUT I also was terribly afraid of everything, how could I ever trust the world again, trust myself to keep myself safe. It seemed I was surrounded by narcissists at every turn when in fact they were opportunists and I was in a weakened state. I knew that being able to identify all the narcissists that may come into my life would be impossible because they can morph into exactly what I think I need and I seemed to be surrounded by them at every turn. I was in need of help and understanding so much after my ex and I split and it seemed my weakness attracted them like vultures to a carcass. Narcissists and their flying monkeys are like vultures. There are people in the world who move in to pick the bones after the narcissist is done with you. They will take advantage of your vulnerability and neediness, they are wanna be narcissists, they admire the narcissist and see him as powerful, they don’t know how he does what he does because they aren’t as intelligent, good looking or confident, so they will take his leftovers. When you are bruised and battered they can do as much damage as the narcissist. That is why getting involved with someone too soon after the narcissist is so dangerous; any damage inflicted will be devastating because you are far too fragile to not take it personally. You are not strong enough, you will either fall for another narcissist because he will make you feel like the most beautiful sexy woman on the face of the earth or you will hook up with someone who abuses you right from day one.

So how do you go from victim to survivor? Well first you accept you were a victim, now that you know what he is and you have left him, you stay a victim by choice if you stay in contact. Yes he has fucked with your head, yes you are beaten down and shattered in a million pieces, yes you feel like you can’t live without him but you also know that he is not going to change and any contact with him leaves you feeling further victimized. You DO have control over whether you continue to be hurt by him, he is never going to leave you alone, you must do this for yourself. Once you end all contact you become a survivor, he may occasionally victimize you again with slander etc but you can not control him, you can only control how you handle your reaction. (More on protecting yourself from slander and dealing with his flying monkeys in another post.)

Even though I had gone no contact I still had his voice in my head and vision of him treating the new woman so much better than he treated me, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew something I didn’t, she was dealing with him so much better than I did and had found the secret to keeping him happy and in love with her. I was driving myself crazy so decided to take an honest look at how I dealt with things and what I could have done differently. When I did this I could see that under the circumstances I reacted the only way I could aside from dumping his ass a lot sooner.

Feeling overwhelmed at the thought of putting myself back together I made another choice; I was not going to do anything I was not totally comfortable with. In the past I would agree to do something and later regret it simply because I didn’t know how to say no, I wanted people to like me, whatever. I found I was terribly sensitive which is normal when you are going through a breakup with a narcissist, I was short tempered (I read somewhere that anger is rarely based in anger, it is usually comes from fear, embarrassment, jealousy, insecurity, or some other emotion we may not even know we are feeling). I refused to allow myself to react to anything immediately. There is rarely a need for an immediate response to anything. With every single reaction or action I analyzed why I felt the way I did, why was I angry? why was I hurt? I am sure if you really examine why you feel the way you do you will find an underlying reason or you don’t have the full picture. I found that when I felt pressured to make a decision and waited many times the situation fixed itself or an answer became crystal clear. A narcissist pressures you to make a decision now, he doesn’t want you thinking about things; he is like a spoiled 3 yr old, badgering you until you give in and you make lousy decisions and then you lose faith in your ability to make sound choices; take a deep breath and don’t allow yourself to be rushed.

I also chose to be totally honest about my feelings and not worry so much about expressing myself and offending someone. I would analyze my feelings first and when I was sure what I was feeling, if I still felt the need to discuss the situation I would do so from this new position of honesty.

Let me give you an example of what I mean;
A few years ago Christmas was approaching and my son was trying to make things work with the mother of his child. I was looking forward to my son, granddaughter and her mom coming for Christmas. I assumed they would stay with me Christmas Eve because my son had never been close to his father and I had earned the premo position of Christmas morning gift opening, I had always been the one to make a big deal about Santa etc and I was looking forward to my son and I doing it for my granddaughter together. My mother was having the Christmas Day dinner and as far as I was concerned his father could see him on Boxing Day. Well, you can imagine my disappointment when my son informed me he was going to his dad’s Christmas Eve and he would see me on Boxing Day. I am sure he felt the ice run through my veins through the phone lines. I felt immediately angry, I said I had to go and I would talk to him later. I was furious. I imagined all kinds of reasons why he would choose to do things that way, I took it very personal, extremely personal. I wrote a letter, long letter I did not send. I analyzed why I was so angry. I felt entitled to Christmas Eve, I had always made Christmas so special for my son, I felt it was a slap in the face, I was hurt, not angry. After a few days (there was no need to rush it and I wanted to be calm and rational when I talked to him) I called and asked him why he was choosing to go to his dad’s and not stay at my house, I said that I felt hurt and had really hoped they would spend Christmas Eve at my place.

He explained, they were driving from Kelowna with a 4 and 1/2 year old after work. They would reach his dad’s at 7:30 ish, to come to my house would add another hour and 1/2 to their travel time. His dad has a 2 story home with a set up guest room and I lived in a one bedroom cabin, which would mean two adults, a child and a dog sleeping in a double bed and me on the couch. My mom lives 15 minutes from his father’s house and that is where Christmas dinner was going to be. He also had to pack up his stuff off his boat so he was going to do that on Boxing Day and come for dinner at my place after he was done.

Listening to how and why he had planned things the way he did I became increasingly grateful I had not gotten angry and I felt selfish and silly for having hurt feelings. I offered to not cook a big dinner and help him move instead, suggesting we grab a burger or pizza when we were done. I could hear the relief in his voice. Christmas was wonderful, we opened gifts at my mother’s, it was absolutely perfect, on Boxing Day I helped him pack and we had the whole day to ourselves and laughed and cried, reminisced, he opened up about stuff he could only talk to me about without anyone else there. I was SO happy I had not gotten angry. If I had left things and carried my resentment with me it would not have been a good day. Once again proving to me that trying to guess what other people are thinking, burying my feelings and anger got me nowhere and the only way was to be honest.

When you are in victim mode it is easy to think it’s all about you. Someone can be having a bad day and you will take it personally, someone can honestly not mean to hurt you but you take it as them rejecting you or using you or whatever. If you are honest about what you are feeling and not have an angry knee jerk reaction you may be surprised at the outcome. You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness nor their anger.

Another thing you have to remember is, you may be sad, miserable even but it is not because you are in love with the narcissist. You are sad because of what the narcissist did to you. It is very easy for you and the people around you to think it is all about you still loving the narcissist. Learning to identify what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way will help you realize that you are not hurting because you still love him. You may be sad because your hopes and dreams died, you may be depressed because he left you destitute, you may be lonely, but that does not mean you still love him. Your situation warrants you being sad, you don’t need a psychiatrist, anti-depressants, the narcissist back in your life, someone to love you; what you are feeling is normal, you have every right to feel the way you do and the sooner you accept that the faster you can heal. Thinking you should be further along in healing is going to make you feel worse about yourself and make the feelings of needing him back even stronger. Stop thinking there is something wrong with you.

People are so uncomfortable with  feeling sad, with other people feeling sad, a person feels there is something wrong with them when they aren’t over the N in a month or two. If they are still hurting after 6 months they think there must be something wrong with them. When it is perfectly normal to take a couple of years to get over the abuse of a narcissist. Sadness is not unhealthy!! it is a normal reaction to being abused. Everyone is so used to quick fixes for everything that they feel they should be able to heal in a week or two. THAT is NOT normal! You see the narcissist go off and fall in love and so happy within weeks or days of the break up and you think there is something wrong with you when it is HIM that is not normal!

If it is normal to be able to go from loving a person one day to being madly in love with someone else a few days later then I will stay dysfunctional than you very much!

People are supposed to care, to hurt, to love. The narcissist imitates romance movies, he gave you a fantasy and it is going to take time to sort through all the feelings and get your feet firmly planted in reality again or maybe for the first time in your life.

Inner peace doesn’t come from material possessions, from a good job, from being loved by the right person. It comes from knowing you are being true to yourself and living honestly. Never doing anything because you feel pressured to do it.

You will feel selfish and people (who are used to manipulating you with guilt and believe me you have them in your life and they aren’t all narcissists)in your life may tell you are being selfish at first because you and they are not accustomed to you saying no. People are used to you being a certain way, your children, parents, siblings, friends and they will want you to get tougher with everyone but them, they won’t like the change. But you don’t have to stop doing nice things for people, quite the contrary; when you do things from the heart you do it happily, with no expectations and people will appreciate when you offer to do something you mean it. You will no longer do things because you are a push over or feel guilty. You may lose some people from your life, unhealthy people who don’t like that they lost control of you but when you are living true to yourself you can see how unhealthy those people were in your life and you don’t need everyone to like you.

Some of you may not even realize you have an inner voice, or you may not recognize when your gut instinct is telling you something. You have to become aware of these things, what your stomach is doing, what your body is doing, your body is telling you things all the time, learn to listen to it. We are all born with a natural gut instinct. Some people may say it is God talking to them, some call it intuition, some people say, “Something told me to not go in there” but you have to start focussing on yourself and your feelings and stop listening to your brain.

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Some related posts from the post
Humpty Dumpty
5 Lessons I Learned
Retraining Your Brain
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Another Two Women Dead

I don’t post every time I hear of another woman dying at the hand of the man who vowed to love honor and protect her, if I did, I wouldn’t have time for anything else. But when it is this close to home and this horrendous I have to share as a warning to all women who have ever been or are in an abusive relationship.

I spoke about one murder and a child missing in Calgary Alberta on FaceBook . The woman found murdered was a 30 year old single mother, she was found dead in the home she had moved into May 1st with her 5 year old daughter; and her daughter was not there.

I immediately thought “domestic homicide” but they said the father of the little girl was cooperating with the police. I wasn’t surprised when I heard in later news reports that there had been a history of domestic abuse, reported and unreported.  Maybe the ex will be proven innocent, but I will be surprised and God only knows where the little girl is, the poor little thing.

Prior to this case there was the domestic homicide that occurred Sunday afternoon in Port Moody BC, you can read the story here Port Moody fire. In this case a mother of 6 died in hospital after her husband set the house on fire with 5 of the 6 children in the house. The police were called about domestic violence and arrived to find the house engulfed in flames. The children ranging in age from I think 6-18 managed to escape the house from the second floor with help from the neighbors and the trampoline that was in the back yard. Thankfully the children all got out safely, but they will carry deep scars for the rest of their lives. Their father was taken from the home in handcuffs.

I. Can. Not. Say. It. Enough.

Never. Ever. Underestimate. the Evil. Of. the. Narcissist.

If you are on the internet trying to find answers to why your soul mate turned against you trust that you were involved with someone with issues. A normal person does not do the things a narcissist does. Stop doubting yourself, Stop feeling sorry for him, stop thinking you can fix him, it. Get OUT! protect yourself and your children! NOW!!

By the time you have “proof” he is capable of killing you it will be too late! He is not going to tell you he is plotting to kill you, if you ask him he will call you crazy. You tell other people they will probably say you are crazy. You are not crazy! listen to your gut.


Paw And LailaMae Take A Walk

I was recently asked on FaceBook if I have ever written a story and it was suggested I should do that. It brought back to mind a little short story I wrote shortly after my ex and I split. I actually had wanted to illustrate it for my grand daughter, but I am not good with drawing animals and forgot about it.

I was living in an uninsulated holiday trailer with no running water and only an extension cord for power. It was November and dang cold. I don’t know if I am the only one who does this but I always think I know what my pets are thinking. So one day I let my imagination run wild and wrote this little story.

Here are some pics so you have a visual to go with the story.

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Laila’s crooked little tail

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My truck was in the shop and I was driving a van with bucket seats, Kato was not giving up the seat and Laila was determined she should be sitting there.

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I was laughing so hard at her antics trying to get a spot on the seat

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Paw and Laila went for a walk one sunny crisp day in November, Laila was running past Paw and then back, she would jump and bite his ear, then run off in another direction; never straying too far from her pappa. He walked so slow, carefully sniffing every single tree and bush and she was so excited to be off the leash and running free. There were so many things to see and sniff before momma Carrie discovered they had gotten out of the yard.

Laila darted in front of a passing car without a sideways glance and Paw shook his head (something he did when he was nervous), the sound of flapping skin was audible as he sighed, ” that girl is going to be the death of me if she doesn’t start watching where she is going” he thought.

Laila playfully nipped at the back of her Paw’s legs and ran away.

Paw, snapped at her and growled pretending to be angry but he couldn’t stay mad at her, he remembered being a puppy himself a long time ago. He had to admit she was damn cute (a chip off the old block) and loving. After all she is his daughter and it is his job to raise her and protect her, teach her how to get by in the world. He was thinking he had a lot of knowledge to share from his years on this earth when he saw Laila’s crooked little tail disappear into the cattails as she chased after frog.

Paw watched the cat tails and high grass rustle for a few minutes before deciding he’d better go in there and make sure she doesn’t fall in the pond or something ridiculous. At that precise moment Laila’s head popped out of the cattails, “Paw?”

Yes LailaMae?

Those leaves sure are red; aren’t they Paw?

Paw looked around to see what she was going on about now and saw the flaming red leaves on the trees that lined a nearby driveway.

“Yes, LailaMae they sure are.”


*sigh* …….Yes LailaMae?

What’s that?

Paw was losing patience; gone were the days when he could take a leisurely stroll. “What’s what LailaMae?”

That white stuff on the mountain, that stuff that kinda looks like dandelion fluff.

Paw looked up at the mountains surrounding them and slowly nodded his head, “Ah!!! that would be snow LailaMae.”
“Snow Paw?”
“Yes LailaMae Snow!” Paw scanned the mountains; the snow was getting low, it wouldn’t be long now before it would be down where they were. It worried him, but he tried to not shake his head and let Laila see his concern.

No point in upsetting little Laila, besides he and Laila both had heavy coats of fur, it was Momma Carrie that concerned him; she didn’t have fur to keep her warm. Paw sighed,” I sure hope our Momma Carrie finds us a warm place to move to real soon.”

“Why is that Paw?”

“Don’t you go worrying your wrinkly little head about it. All I’ll say about snow is; when it gets down here where we are you won’t want to squat too low when you do your pooh.”
“Don’t squat when I pooh Paw?” Laila cocked her head to the side and look at Paw with suspicion, she wasn’t sure if he was teasing her or not.

“You’ll figure it out.”

Paw was trying to keep things light but Laila could sense he was concerned about something so she didn’t push him for an answer. “Ok Paw.”


“Yes Paw.”

“A couple more things.”

“Yes Paw”

“Don’t eat the yellow snow.”

Laila looked puzzled again but just said, “Yes Paw.”

“LailaMae, when it gets really cold you and I are going to have to keep Momma Carrie warm at night because she doesn’t have fur.”

LailaMae listened intently, pappa was so wise and she would do anything for momma Carrie. Pappa went on, “I’ve been thinking I could lay along her back and you can lay against her tummy. That should do the job”?

“Sure Paw! I love to snuggle momma’s tummy. I like that job!”

“Good girl Laila May”. Paw nodded his head and turned in the direction of home. “Laila??”

“Yes Paw?”

“Will you PLEASE quit chewing on my ear?”

“Sorry Paw.” “Paw?………….”

Paw stopped, gave a big sigh and shook his head, “Yes LailaMae?

“Nothing Paw”……………………….



“I love you.”


“I love you too LailaMae”. Paw didn’t like to admit it but God he loved that little girl and Momma Carrie of course, but Momma Carrie knew that already.

Side by side Paw and Laila trotted back home just as Momma Carrie realized they had escaped the yard and started frantically calling for them. “KATO!! LAILA!!???”

Laila quickened her pace but Paw slowed down and looked up at the sky.

“Paw!!, we’re in trouble, hurry up, Momma’s calling”.

“Laila, time for a little life lesson.”

Laila stopped, “Yes Paw”.

“Never come right away when Momma calls, she’ll think she is the boss and can tell us what to do. Even if you really want to go to her, pretend you don’t hear her and take your time.”

“But why Paw, it just makes her angry?”

“Because its fun Laila May” chuckled Paw as he stopped to smell something on the side of the road.

“LAILA!! KATO!!! WHERE ARE YOU???” Momma screamed.

Paw chuckled “Good girl LailaMae” as Laila looked around as if she thought she heard something and then pretend she didn’t hear Momma calling, just as she had seen him do many times.

“She’s a fast learner” he thought, “Yep, a chip off the ol block that girl”.

Just then Momma Carrie spotted them down by the frog pond, both of them pretending not to see or hear her, looking up to the sky. Relief swept over her, she was so happy to see they were ok she couldn’t stay angry and ran to them, throwing her arms around them, “Thank God you are OK. You scared the crap out of me”.

Laila climbed onto Momma’s lap, licking her ears and kissing her face, her little crooked tail wagging furiously. Kato nervously shook his head and Momma pulled him close, “Don’t worry little buddy, you will always be number 1. I love you so much, don’t ever scare me like that again.”

I Interrupt Our Usual Programing

I have started several posts on the topic of healing, how I healed myself after leaving my ex but my thoughts are consumed with what is happening in the states right now and I have to address it.

This blog was started in hopes of raising awareness about domestic abuse and hopefully to save lives by sharing my experiences but I can’t turn a blind eye to abuses elsewhere in the world. Abuse is abuse whether it is domestic abuse, animal abuse, bullying or police violence against innocent people, all abuse stems from a need for power and control.

I am not the least bit surprised that I woke up this morning to hear 5 cops had been shot. Those cops had nothing to do with the deaths of the two black men shot by the police this week. This whole situation is escalating out of control, how much more blood of innocent people has to flow before something is done about it?

They are calling for more gun control. Excuse me!!?? how about controlling the police? screening the police, properly training the police, and making the police accountable for their actions?? Taking guns away from citizens is not going to stop the violence and the deaths of innocent black men by the police.

I went through the list of unarmed people killed by the police in the United States last year, I saw one white person on the list, there was maybe 5 women, one of which opened the door to her house to give the police (that she called) directions to the house where domestic abuse was going on and ended up being shot dead.

None of the people had a weapon but an amazing amount of them had a “toy gun” on them. I find it really hard to believe that all these black full grown men are walking around with toy guns in their possession. I would be interested to see how many cops have a toy gun tucked somewhere in their squad car.

I know, just like with domestic violence there is a percentage of the population saying things like:

  • They must have done something wrong.
  • I don’t have to worry because I never break the law
  • All you have to do is co-operate with the police and you will be fine.
  • That is the states, it doesn’t happen in Canada (or where ever you happen to live)

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was nobody left to speak up. – Reverend Martin Niemoller, Germany, 1930’s

This is not strictly a black person’s problem, being white does not exempt people from police brutality, it just means they haven’t come for you…. YET! So far you have been lucky, you weren’t born black, in Canada it might be you are lucky your heritage is not Aboriginal. Just like no woman can say “Domestic violence could never happen to her” NO ONE can say police brutality can not happen to them.

For me it is not about “police are bad” “blacks are good”; I do not believe all cops are bad, I have known a few cops who were in the profession for the right reason but I hate to say from my experience, the good cops are few and far between. I raised my son to respect the police and that the police are there to help and protect you; I don’t know what people tell their children now. I know I worry more about my son running into cops than the “bad guys”, at least with the bad guys he can defend himself; if a cop has it in for you, you don’t have a hope in hell.

Through my experience with the police I have lost all faith in them acting in my best interest or in the best interest of my loved ones. When they were called by the neighbors and once by my school, because they were concerned for my well being; it was treated like a joke and they actually made things worse.

I do not break the law, have never been charged with anything yet I have stared down the barrel of a policeman’s gun. I thought I was going to die, why? because my dog was barking in my truck with the windows rolled up and the doors locked. I was pulled over in a routine stop, one cop came to my door and another went to the passenger door, Kato was fine until the cop started flashing his flashlight through the passenger window, then Kato lost it. The cop starts screaming to get my dog under control and plants himself in front of my parked truck with his pistol aimed at my windshield. I yelled back at him that I would have a better chance getting my dog under control if he put his gun away. I couldn’t believe it!

I was able to produce my driver’s license, valid insurance, valid inspection papers and a complete customer list with names and contact numbers for the scrap on my truck, they still towed my truck and ordered an inspection.

My ex ambushed my son and I when we came home one night and the police threatened to arrest my son and when they escorted my ex to get his belongings they threatened to arrest me if I said anything and proceeded to allow him to take anything he wanted from my home.

Years ago my older foster brother applied for the RCMP, he was not accepted; they put him through a rigorous pre screening process where they tried to break him emotionally, get him to lose his temper. I don’t know what the process is now but obviously it is not stringent enough.

Everyone has a bad day. I worked with the general public for years and they were just Joe Bloe citizens, cops deal with a lot of scum day in and day out. I got frustrated with customers, I even got a little snippy with some of them but God help me if I had ever been rude, I would have been fired, no second chances. When I had a bad day I was NOT allowed to take it out on the customer, if I didn’t like a certain race I certainly couldn’t refuse to serve them or treat them with disrespect. I didn’t have a weapon either.

Police should be the most emotionally and mentally stable people in the world and it seems to me many of them are insecure, hot tempered, power hungry, control freaks, with a chip on their shoulder. Of all the jobs in the world, police need people skills, communication training, self control and nothing to prove to themselves or the people they serve. They need to be taught they are here to serve and protect because somehow they missed that lesson.

I don’t believe racism is the root of the problem. Yes, right now the police are obviously targeting black people unless they had a particularly bad day and then your 85 yr old grandmother or some white dude jaywalking are equally apt to suffer the wrath of a cop in a bad mood.

Hey! it’s a shitty job, I would’t want it, cops risk their life every single fucking day; even more reason to ensure they are mentally stable. Even more reason to make sure it is not a “Good Ole Boys Club”. I don’t know how it is in the states but up in Canada there have been many female officers who filed complaints for sexual harassment by their fellow officers. When I was reading the list of people killed by a police officer there were 3 cases where an officer shot their spouse dead, one woman and 2 male officers.

I am not saying all cops are narcissists, far from it, I have dealt with some wonderful cops.

About 6 years ago I was taking a birthday lunch to my ex at his work, along with 3 helium balloons and a big birthday cake. I had the balloons in the cab of the truck and the cake on the deck. I was entering onto the freeway and there was a cop on the side of the road flagging people over and you guessed it, he motioned for me to pull over. I knew I was going to get a ticket because my deck was dirty with loose shit and I should have known better but I had been in a hurry.

He walked up and  I handed him my license and insurance and he asked if I knew why I was being pulled over and I said “No”.

He said, “I couldn’t let you go by me with those balloons bouncing every where in the cab, can you find a place to tuck them out of your line of vision?” Kato started to bark and I apologized to the cop and he said, “He’s just doing his job. He’s a nice looking dog and he sure is protective of you. That’s good.”

He walked back to run my license and that is when he noticed my deck. When he came back he said, “I see you have unsecured cargo on your deck, is that a chocolate cake?”

I said, “It sure is!!! you want some??”

He laughed and said, “I think whoever it is for might be upset if 1/2 their birthday cake is gone.”

He asked how far I was going and I said only over the bridge. He said, “I am not writing you up, just promise me you will sweep off your deck once you get where you are going.” Another cop walked up and I heard, “Chocolate cake?” I piped up, “You want some?” Soon I had the

Soon I had the whole crew at my truck laughing and making jokes about being bribed with chocolate cake. I secured the balloons behind the seat and was told I was free to go.

I thanked the officer very much and said I knew he was giving me a huge break, he could have fined me and ticketed me for an insecure load. You know what he reply was?

“Well, mam, you look like a citizen, and the last time I checked you are paying my wages. It is the least I can do. Just promise to get that deck swept off.”

After I took my ex his birthday lunch, cake and balloons (cuz I am a bitch like that and never did anything nice for him) I took cake back for the police at the check point but they were gone.

The cop who called me because my ex had filed a complaint against me had preconceived notions about me from what my ex had been feeding him but I could feel his attitude change the longer we talked because he knew the truth when he heard it. I was calm and rational, able to think clearly and not an emotional wreck. I understand why cops may not believe the victim when the narcissist is calm and rational and the victim is hardly making sense.

I see both sides to the story. it must get really old to stop someone and ask for their ID and get the same line, “Am I being detained? am I being charged?” They are just trying to do their job. BUT they should be trained to not lose it and start shooting.

This problem is not going to resolve itself any more than domestic abuse will solve itself without calm and rational discussion about it and people start to admit that narcissists are every where. It is down right scary that people will vote for Trump because they feel he is honest and wants to make America great again.

I don’t even know if this makes sense but it is all I have been thinking about since the first shooting. We see it on video almost daily, another innocent person killed, another black person beaten by the cops, politicians lying their faces off and people either ignoring it or excusing it. Everyone refusing to admit what is happening right before their eyes.

Abuse is abuse whether it is a man against a woman, woman against man, cop against black, white or any other innocent person, sniper shooting cops, terrorists, or governments oppressing the people. It’s time to wake up and demand accountability from these people.

I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.


Inner Peace And Where To Find It


First of all what is inner peace? I have had people who challenge me when I say I have inner peace because my life is not blissful and I am not always happy happy happy, so how can I have inner peace?

Here is one definition taken from this site


One meaning of peace refers to inner peace: a state of mind, body and perhaps soul, a peace within ourselves. People that experience inner peace say that the feeling is not dependent on time, people, place, or any external object or situation, asserting that an individual may experience inner peace even in the midst of war.

The really great thing about inner peace is; you are in total control of it, no one else can ever mess with it, no one else can give it to you, so consequently, no one can take it away.

Like I was saying in my last post, I was broken in a million pieces, filled with pain and self doubt, didn’t have a clue who I was any more, suicidal, hopeless, and desperate to find a way to carry on. That is when I unwittingly went on my quest to find inner peace. I thought I was trying to survive, I didn’t know where the journey was going to take me or that I would end up being grateful for everything that happened to me because the end reward was so monumental.

In an attempt to find myself and find a way to carry on, because I didn’t even know who I was any more; I decided to take everything my ex said I was and honestly assess if it was true. I kept beating myself up over not trying harder, the new woman must be doing something better than me, my ex loved to rub my nose in the fact that he didn’t have to screw around on her, he didn’t have to lie to her, she was calm and rational, nothing like me.

I could definitely see there had been times I was not perfect, I also knew I had apologized and never done it again if I did something wrong. I knew I had been honest with him and faithful the whole 10 years. I asked myself ( We all know when we have screwed up, even if we don’t admit it, I forced myself to be totally honest with myself, I knew it was the only way I was ever going to deal with the whole thing) was he right?

When I looked at it honestly and asked myself honestly, “What more could I have done?” I had to admit, There was nothing more I could have done, no more compromises I could have made. I asked myself what could I have done differently? and I honestly could not come up with one thing, except; I could have and should have left earlier because he had ignored every single boundary I had, and I had to admit; he could not have done that if I had not let him.

I could not stand the thought that I was responsible for destroying the greatest love of my life, so once I had resolved within myself that I had indeed done all I could to save the relationship and make it work I was able to start on myself.

The next thing I had plaguing me was; was he treating the new woman better than he treated me? Was she reaping the reward of all my hard work? Did she love him better than I had? what was she doing different? I drove myself crazy. Then I remembered the serenity prayer and the truth it speaks; we only have control over our own actions and we have to let go of what we have no control over.

Don’t think I never had those haunting voices in my head saying maybe it was my fault, ever again; because to this day they will sneak in when I let my guard down. Out of nowhere I will hear in the distance of my mind a voice that is barely discernible, “Maybe it was you, maybe his new woman loves him better, maybe he has changed, maybe it was all your fault.”

Something you may not realize is this; our brain only knows what we put in it, it does not control us, we control it. We do have the power to change what we think about. The problem is, the narcissist pounded into our heads that if we only would do this or that, or it was our flaws that drove him to be abusive, cheat, leave us. Our brain isn’t able to discern whether it is the truth or not; logically we know it is not the truth but our brain is so accustomed to taking the blame for everything it is our “go to” reaction. Another thing you may not realize is; every time we think those negative thoughts we are embedding the thought deeper into our psyche and making it harder to change our thought patterns. We need to stop our brain when we find it focusing on the lie and retrain it to believe the truth.

What IS the truth? You know the truth, you have always known the truth, you just didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t in your relationship, but still, if you were involved with a narcissist I can pretty well tell you how your relationship went and I know, just from living life, watching other people, listening to my gut……


Here are some truths:

  1. An abusive person is never abusive to only one person in their lifetime, they have a history of abusing people.
  2. There is no way you are such a bad person that a normal loving caring man HAD to abuse you and only you.
  3. No one can fall in love in a matter of a couple of weeks, they can be infatuated, they can be in lust, they can be in really big “like” but not in love.
  4. No one can make another person an asshole, we don’t have the power to make someone as asshole any more than we have the power to stop being an asshole.
  5. IF he was THAT miserable being with you he should have left long ago and not played the push pull game, keeping you walking on egg shells wondering what the hell was going on.
  6. You did everything you could to make him happy and he kept changing the rules and was never happy, you were never going to find the “magic” combination that would have kept him happy and neither will the new “soul mate”.
  7. YOU were not happy!! this is the big one!! you were so busy trying to figure out how to make him happy you totally ignored the fact that you were miserably unhappy and cried almost daily because of the way he treated you.
  8. The relationship was over a long time ago, you just refused to accept it.
  9. He proved to you time after tie he did not respect you and was not really concerned about losing you or he would have treated you better.
  10. Even IF things are great with his new woman, they were horrible with you, he treated YOU like shit, you can’t do anything about how he treats the new woman, but you have total control over how he treats you.

In my next post I will talk about putting the pieces of me back together against and started to become my most authentic self.