Dealing With Your Own Mortality

I haven’t been around much lately and if you are not on my Facebook you do not know what is going on in my life right now.

For those of you new to the blog, I have had a heart condition for a few years, I had my first heart attack in 2011 about 6 months after leaving my ex. I didn’t follow doctors orders and went right back to work and could not afford my heart meds. I didn’t have time to be sick, I had to get back on my feet after leaving the narcissist with nothing.  A year later I almost died of heart failure and was forced to stop working. I lost the home I was buying and been homeless several times in the past few years because our welfare system pays $610 a month which does not even cover rent on a decent place and has denied me Disability Benefits for well over a year now. If not for the donations I have received from the generous followers of this blog I don’t know where I would be!

My heart is working at 20% and I have been told by 3 cardiologists that I could drop dead at any minute. The last one I went to see took my driver’s license away until I had a defibullator implanted in my chest that will kick start my if I go into cardiac arrest. I was put on a waiting list and within 2 weeks was in having the procedure done. I was told it was the size of a pocket watch and not only would it jump start me, it was also a pacemaker and would help me with walking up hills and stairs etc.

It is supposed to be a simple procedure, 45 minutes, in and out of the hospital in a few hours. Wouldn’t it figure, as is often the case with my life; there were problems and I was in for 3 and 1/2 hours, they tore one of my ventricles and I am worse off than I was before the surgery. I was told to go home and heal and they will try again in 3 months.  I go to see the surgeon who did (screwed up) the surgery in a week and I will know more but as it stands today, 3 weeks after the procedure I am in worse health than I have ever been.


I feel like I did when I was suffering heart failure, before I started taking heart meds, my lungs start to fill with fluid at night while I sleep, I get dizzy, feel weak, and generally feel like crap. I have an appointment to see the surgeon this coming Monday and will know more then I guess.

I am still fighting the government for my disability designation, it is ridiculous! I am living in a place I literally hate. Sure it is better than living in my car, which I was doing when I got back from Clearwater, but it backs onto a really busy road, doesn’t have a kitchen, is in a hilly area so I can’t walk Stella and used to drive her to the dog park and the river but now that I don’t have a driver’s license we are stuck at home all day every day.

I haven’t been posting much because to be totally honest I have become very depressed and just can’t get motivated.

It has nothing to do with a narcissist, I just wanted to let you all know that its not that my life has gotten good and I have forgotten you all. I am going to try to be around the blog more and pull myself out of this slump. My life expectancy is only a few years and I don’t want to spend it depressed.

The real piss off for me is: I have a “No resuscitation” order and now with this defibullator if all my organ quit on me the defibullator will keep shocking my heart and keeping me alive.  The doctors are only concerned with keeping me alive, they don’t give a shit about the quality of my life.  I am waiting until I talk to the surgeon before I allow myself to get too upset but I feel I was forced into this surgery and when I was able to function to some degree and had some hope for a better life and now……… well.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now.


When I Knew He Had Lost His Control Over Me

I think all victims of narcissistic abuse feel the same way I did; that no matter how hard they tried no one really believed them. The narcissist was telling outrageous lies about the victim and people, family and friends lapped it up; but when the victim tried to tell their side no one would listen. In court, the police, society in general; no one believed them. The victim gets re-victimized over and over again; and every time they are disbelieved or blamed for the demise of the relationship they become more determined to prove their case. They become panic, their nerves are raw, constantly in the fight or flight mode, they wait for the next attack from the narcissist. What will he do this time? When will he strike? How will they ever prove to people he is a narcissist and they are the true victim? They remain a victim even though they have left the narcissist and feel the only way they can heal and move is if the narcissist admits wrong doing.  The narcissist sucks them in time and time again and the victim is revictimized again and again by the narcissist making it even harder for people to believe the abuse because if it was so bad why do they keep going back?

Why do people believe the narcissist and not the victim? Well, its shitty, but people believe the narcissist because he is so calm, rational and certain about events and his “innocence”. He has practised being a “victim” and he doesn’t feel guilt. Guilt, self doubt, taking any blame whatsoever, makes a person look guilty. The narcissist will take some of the blame; “I should have stood up for myself”, “I should have known I couldn’t fix her”, “I shouldn’t have let her push my buttons”. He will cry real tears, AND he started the whole victim act long before he actually left the relationship; while he was still telling the victim that if only she would do this or that, the relationship would be saved. The victim was so busy jumping through endless hoops trying to get the N to love her again, she was oblivious to his campaign to destroy her reputation and make his exit.

Really, when you think about it, the victim is pretty hard to believe. What other people see from a typical victim:

– She has kept her mouth shut about the abuse. Either she is ashamed of the situation she has allowed herself to get into or she was protecting him.

– The victim is an emotional basket case whereas the narcissist is calm.

– The victim seems uncertain about events, time lines, is generally confused.

– And, she keeps going back!

The more she is disbelieved the more anxious she gets and desperate to prove she is the victim. People are turned off by desperation. I don’t know why, but as much as I fight it, I still find myself pulling away from people who are desperate and “Woe is me”.  Yet I have been there, desperate to be believed, understood and validated. I eventually gave up on trying to find validation. I got sick of sounding like a broken record and I knew I could not keep asking, “Why me?” and keep seeing him.

A common trait of the victims of a  narcissist is; they are extremely adept at picking up on the moods of others, were often the peace keepers of the family and they have honed that skill while with the narcissist. Their senses are heightened to the max, looking for cues to the narcissists mood 24/7, trying to avoid conflict and more importantly keep the N happy. Once they leave the N they are still running on “high alert” and are extremely sensitive to everyone’s moods and often times read things into the comments or actions of those around them. They end up living in a constant state of reacting to others, consumed with “What did they mean by that?” “Are they mad at me?” Because everything was their fault while with the narcissist, they feel everything is their fault, always! I realized that it was pretty narcissistic of me:

I was so frustrated trying to please everyone and I was pleasing no one. My mom angry because I had stayed, my ex slandering me to customers, friends and anyone who would listen; even me! twisting facts and rewriting history to suit his agenda, I was going through my days afraid of offending people, afraid of not being believed and not finding compassion and understanding, so I stopped.

It was then that I decided that I was going to live true to me, I was the only one who knew where my heat was, what my intentions were and I chose to never do anything ever again that I was not at peace with. I decided to never let anyone, a.n.y.o.n.e. pressure me into doing something I was not totally at peace with. I analyzed every feeling I had, was I being too sensitive? did I have a right to be angry? and I also decided to stop guessing at what people meant, what people were feeling, what their intentions were and just ask! If my feelings were hurt I would express that and ask for the other person’s side and often times either I had misunderstood their intension or they had not realized they hurt me. I realized that it was so much easier to just express my feelings than try to guess what people were thinking.

The other thing that plagues victims, is their guilt, that is why I don’t advocate revenge. Whenever I got revenge on my ex it felt good at the time and then the guilt would set in and he would use it to his advantage every time. One time when I discovered more of his personal ads on the net I keyed his truck. It felt great at the time but once the adrenaline wore off and he twisted the truth and made me feel guilty, I ended up paying for it for the rest of the relationship and I am sure to this day he is telling everyone what a nut case I am.

I always forgave and forgot; he expected the slate to be swiped clean after every feeble apology but any little mistake or perceived crime of mine was brought up and embellished forever more.

The line between, telling the truth in order to protect myself and revenge blurred. Here is the link to a post I did a few years ago about that blurred line and the narcissist’s need for revenge.  The victim is criticized by the narcissist for their natural instinct to protect themselves.

The only choice the victim has is to live honestly and true to their core beliefs and moral code, that way they can never be manipulated through guilt or threats of “being exposed”. This was proven to me this year when a police officer contacted my mother looking for me because I was “Inciting violence against my ex” through my blog.

My mother was panicked but I stayed surprisingly calm, I knew I would deal with it and I called the cop immediately.  We played telephone tag for a while but eventually connected.  I was calm, rational and not the least bit concerned about whether the cop believed me or not. I felt it welling up in me, that old panicky feeling, the “but he did this or that”, but I pushed it down and stuck to the facts. I knew why I started the blog, I knew what my intention was and is and I knew I didn’t want to go to court or to jail but I also knew I had a right to speak my truth; I just had to find out how to do it legally.

Initially the cop was all business, and I could tell he thought I was a vindictive bitch but the more we talked I could feel him softening and I could tell there was doubt in his mind regarding what my ex had told him and that what I was saying was the truth. But as much as I was tempted to fill the cop in on everything my ex had done, I didn’t; if he had read my blog he knew and that was not the issue. The issue was, how can I speak my truth without getting in trouble with the law and what are my rights.

The link to a post I did on it is here

The point I wanted to make with this post is this:

For the most part, we give the narcissist everything he needs to hurt us and we have to become aware of that and start acting in our best interest. We all have said, “I didn’t ask to be lied to, abused or slandered”. No, none of us knew what we were getting into, but now that we know what we are dealing with, we need to step back and think clearly and not emotionally. It will work in your favor in all your relationships, believe me.




The Top Ten Truths 6 Years Out

I titled this the top ten truths after 6 years out because I am sure you will discover, as I did; that the longer you are out of the relationship with a narcissist the clearer your thinking becomes and what matters to you changes dramatically.

I left my ex in November 2010 and thought I would love him forever and couldn’t live without him. Now 6 years out, six years, SIX YEARS!! OUT !! I can not believe how different my attitude is, how much I have grown as a person and how much inner peace I have found.

Today I wanted to share with you some of the major truths I have discovered personally since leaving the narcissist/psychopath and focussing on MY recovery and happiness.

#1. I CAN survive without him in my life and once I stopped torturing myself with thoughts of “what could have been”, “how unfair it was that I invested so much into the relationship”, stopped trying to justify my actions while in the relationship and stopped wondering how he was treating the new woman; I was able to work on me.

#2. I am not that powerful. I do not have the power to turn a normal loving man into a psychopath and I certainly do not have the ability to change a psychopath into a normal loving human being.

#3. I was not happy. I was so busy trying to make him happy I totally over looked the fact that he could not make me happy and wasn’t even willing to try to make me happy.

#4. Not everyone is going to like me or love me and that is ok. I don’t like everyone I meet so what makes me think I am so great that everyone should love me? Some people are not meant to be friends, that is no reflection on my worth as a person.

#5. Never make decisions because you feel pressured. If you don’t know what you should do, do nothing. Often times the answer will come on its own. Very rarely is there a need to make a decision in panic or anxiety, usually when we feel panicked about something it is because other people are pressuring us. Take time to yourself away from the person pressuring you and use your logical, rational self to decide. ie: the narcissist is pressuring you to go back and try again. You don’t know if you should. What is the worst that can happen if you make him wait? He finds someone else? then your decision is made for you isn’t it?

#6. You can have inner peace even when your world is falling apart. If you live true to your core beliefs and never allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you are uncomfortable with and if you speak your truth with kindness but conviction; you will always have inner peace no matter what is going on in your life. People confuse inner peace with having everything perfect in your life. But we can have everything we ever thought we needed and wanted and not have inner peace.

#7. You can have disagreements with people and still have a relationship with them. It’s ok to get angry, it is ok to say no, it is ok to walk away. We/I had always worried about what people thought of me, made choices in my life based on what other’s thought I should do or even more dangerous, based on what I thought they wanted me to do. When I decided to live true to myself I found I had to stand up for myself a lot more…….. and that was ok. It felt uncomfortable at first but it got easier and now it feels damn good! I refuse to be pressured into anything and if I am feeling pressured I remove myself from the situation (this year it meant I walked out of my mom’s house on Mother’s Day. I felt a bit of guilt over it, for a short while, but I thought about it and to do anything else would have not been living my truth. She was wanting me to make a decision about a place to live, I was unsure about it, in fact I hated it. So I was taking time to make the decision. As it turns out I did move into the place but negotiated a much better rent, and I still hate the place, it is not home to me, but it was the best option I had/have for now. BUT I have inner peace about it because I made the decision on my own and not because she pressured me into it. Recently she told me, now she can see why I don’t like it and why I was so hesitant.

#8. You will never make everyone happy, there is always going to be someone who thinks you aren’t doing it right, whatever “it” is, so you might as well make yourself happy by living true to yourself.

#9. Living true to yourself does not mean you are being selfish, in fact it makes it easier to be unselfish. If you only do things that are true to your core values and desires; then you can give freely without expectations or disappointments.

#10. When you start living true to your core self there is no need for approval, no need to be right, no guilt, and no need to control.

The greatest truth I learned since leaving my ex is: I am enough, I am a good person and when I live true to my core self and stop listening to other people tell me who I am or should be; I am more confident and self assured. I am at peace.

I Don’t Understand How Anyone Can Do What The Narcissist Does

I replied to someone’s comment on Facebook and thought I would share it here because it is something all victims of narc abuse struggle with. They can’t understand how someone can be so heartless.

The reason you don’t understand is because you are a normal, caring, person capable of feeling guilt, compassion, remorse. They are NOT normal; they are dangerously disabled and why they are the most dangerous people on earth and called psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists.
They know they hurt others, in fact they get off on the power of being able to inflict pain. They feel superior to normal people because they are not governed by a conscience. They truly DO NOT care they laugh at how easy you are to manipulate, they see caring as being weak.
Their brains never developed the ability to feel guilt, they do not have a conscience. Imagine, what guides the rest of us? Our conscience, no conscience, no guilt; free to do whatever they want whenever they want and never feel an ounce of regret or remorse. Hard for a normal person to get their head around it.
The problem with victims of narc abuse is, they keep thinking of the narc as a normal person. A normal person could never live with themselves if they did what a narc does.
They are such good actors because they learned from a very young age that they were different and if they show their true nature people are repelled, repulsed. So it is imperative to their survival to learn how to imitate the emotions they see in others. Some of them should win an Academy award for their performances. My ex could cry real tears on demand. He had me fooled for many years. But they are limited in their abilities because they are imitating and eventually they will encounter a situation where they don’t have an appropriate respond saved in their repitouir of responds. Plus it is a lot work to always have to be “on” faking being a human being and that is why they rush a woman to commit, get her dependent on him so he can let the mask drop. Then he has someone at home he can spew his abuse on, when he goes out in public he puts on his mask and presents himself as this compassionate, sweet empathetic person. The minute he is behind closed doors he takes his mask off and is himself. It’s like wearing control top panty hose. I remember when I worked in an office, all day I was thinking about getting home so I could take off my panty hose and let it all hang out. The minute I was behind closed doors I ripped them off; usually right at the door. And it was such a relief!!
My ex used to spend hours staring into a fire at night, either that or he would be in his shop building something. When he would stare into the fire I used to ask him what he was thinking about and he would say nothing and now I understand what he meant. He wasn’t thinking of anything, he wasn’t feeling. It was his “off” time. He was actually empty and it was so much work pretending he wasn’t empty.

What Can Someone Do To Get The Victim To Leave The Narcissist


Lately it seems I have had an abundance of mother’s trying to get their daughter’s to leave someone they believe to be a narcissist. I have a post on what to do and what not to do if you know someone in an abusive relationship but I don’t talk about what you can do to make them leave; mainly because I don’t think you CAN make a person leave a narcissist.

Leaving is a decision the victim has to come to on their own, unfortunately most victims don’t leave, the narcissist leaves them and they are devastated and have exhausted all their resources long before the split.

Part of the reason you can’t make a victim leave their abuser is because; even if they come to you crying about how the abuser treats them, or heart broken that the narcissist hasn’t called in a week, or wants to end it, or did something else to break the victim’s heart; the minute they talk to the narcissist he gets them so confused about what happened, they end up staying.

I remember making bargains with myself; OK, so he has personal ads on the net, he says nothing is going on and he would never actually meet them. I can rationalize that to myself. Really, he is looking for Russian Brides, how likely is it that he is going to actually send for a Russian bride? He is just doing it because he wants to make sure that if I screw around on him like all the other women he has been with, he still has “it” and could get another woman. I told myself that if I ever discover he is actually dating another woman or has an ad looking for local women, THEN I would have just cause to leave and it would be easier for me to leave. I would have “proof”. But then I found his local personal ad and he had like a dozen women on the go at once. That was it!! it was over, I confronted him and he denied it all. Didn’t remember placing the ad, didn’t remember talking to all those women. I started to believe maybe he did these things in his sleep, maybe he was doing crazy drugs, maybe he had a brain tumor!

I would read the emails he sent to these women and I would want to date him too, he was so infatuated with them, so romantic, making them promise to look at the moon at a certain time so they could be looking at the moon together and for her to imagine him sliding his arms around her. Asking her to wait for him like he was waiting for her. Saying how he had a “gut” feeling the minute they talked and he always follows his gut feelings. The same line he used on all of them. They were all “special”. I would be furious and declare “that was it!” I was out of there, he would storm out, I would cry all day (Oh my God, how many days did I waste crying all day and sitting on the internet searching for more evidence?) I would talk to friends and swear that this time it was over. This time he had gone too far, I could never trust him again and I deserved better. I would tell him I deserved better. My friends would agree with me, or they would laugh and say “Yeah right it’s over, you’ll be back together by tonight, tomorrow at the latest.” I would swear, not this time and it always went the same way, he would show up where I was, he would call and ask me if I had eaten, he would just show up and act like nothing had happened or my truck would break down and I would call him to come rescue me. He would be so loving, I would doubt my own recollection of what I had found.

I started to make photocopies of everything because he would erase any evidence and I was too honest to lie to him and not tell him what I had found. But even when I made photocopies he would just rip them up, throw them away and deny it anyway. I knew he was lying, why did I doubt myself? Because I wanted him to love me more than anything in the world so when he would be loving and act like nothing was wrong I would pray he had seen the light, realized the err of his ways, was sorry. Fill in the blanks….. he would leave it up to my own interpretation. (and victims are really good at lying to themselves.)

We lie to ourselves as much or more than the narcissist does, lets go over a few of the most popular lies:

  1. We have something special
  2. He would never find a woman who loves him like I do
  3. He would never really cheat, he just needs an ego boost
  4. It’s his past, because he has been hurt so many time
  5. He loves me so much it scares him so he pulls away
  6. If I don’t leave like all the other women did he will trust my love and relax and let it happen
  7. If I just show him more love and how much I appreciate him, he will love me like he used to
  8. I am too critical, I just won’t bite the bait, I refuse to get angry and will only say loving things and appreciate the good things he does
  9. I know him so well I can predict what will set him off and be able to avoid those things
  10. This is just the way we are, we always get back together because our love is so strong, he would never really leave me for good
  11. Maybe he has ads but he hasn’t dated anyone else
  12. Well, maybe he did date someone else but we were kinda split up at the time (we broke up in the morning because he picked a fight and he was on a date that night)
  13. The other women don’t mean anything, he only LOVES me
  14. He really is sorry, he just doesn’t know how to express his emotions
  15. He is ashamed and that is why he doesn’t admit to doing it
  16. If I would stop being so suspicious, jealous, angry, depressed, crying all the time, fill in the blank.
  17. I am only going to stay until I get through school, the kids are older, I have enough money to leave and pay rent, he pays me back what he owes me, fill in the blank.
  18. I can’t leave at Christmas, Easter, his Birthday, Groundhog Day  ………. again……fill in the blank
  19. He only treats me badly, not the kids and they need their father in their life, the kids are fine.
  20. He needs me, I can fix him with my special love.
  21. I will wean myself off him (or vise versa)
  22. I know what he is now and I don’t let him get to me.
  23. I just have to have solid proof he is cheating, THEN I will leave
  24. I have put so much effort, time and money into this relationship, I can’t walk away now and have some other woman reap the rewards of all my efforts

What lies did you tell yourself?

The victim can always find an excuse why they have to contact the narcissist, why they can’t leave right now or need to go back. They can deny adamantly that they will ever go back and then the next time you see them they are glowing because the N showed up and love bombed them and they are in the honeymoon phase again. You know it is not going to last, the victim is defensive and not the least bit interested in having you remind her that just two days ago her heart was breaking. The victim is thinking, “They just don’t understand how strong our love is, the connection we have. This is not like any ordinary love relationship.”

The longer a victim is in the relationship the less likely they are to leave because they lose themselves and they get further out of touch with reality. They isolate themselves from their family and friends because they start to feel out of place every where they go. With other couples they know their relationship is so dysfunctional by comparison, with family they are afraid everyone will pick up on how dysfunctional the relationship is or they are afraid the Narcissist will do something to embarrass them, make them look bad, get angry over something and of course they stop making plans because the narcissist usually finds a way of ruining any plans anyway.

Lately I have had mother’s emailing me privately begging for help getting their daughters away from a narcissist and I really don’t know what to tell them. Barring kidnapping the victim and locking them up in a room until the brainwashing and conditioning wears off, I don’t know what they can do. Years ago the news was full of stories about parents kidnapping their children away from cults, I suppose it still goes on and that is the only thing I can compare it to. It is not a very realistic solution to the problem when your child is an adult. You could try an intervention of friends and family where you go as a united force and try to make her face reality but they will probably tell you what you want to hear just to shut you up and it will only drive them further into isolation and alienate you.

You can bet the narcissist is working double time to destroy any confidence and clear thinking you might have instilled. My ex used to say things like:
“No matter what I try they just hate me, we should split up, because they will never accept me.”

“I don’t know what you told them to make them hate me so much. You never tell them the good things I do.”

“Your family has never been there for you, they all think you are crazy.”

“I don’t blame you, you can’t help being raised in a dysfunctional family. I thought I could help you to over come it but my childhood was so normal I just can’t deal with your dysfunctional view of reality.”

What lies did your narc tell you?

The person who is trying to get the victim to leave the narcissist has to realize that the narcissist is playing them like a puppet and getting off on your efforts to save the victim. Narcissists love drama!, love conflict, (as much as they say they hate it and use it as an excuse to walk away), they love that you help them confuse the victim, they love that they can destroy all the common sense and confidence you instilled, they love that you are losing sleep over the fact that he has so much control over your loved one. The harder you try to break them up the harder he will try to keep her, so he is less likely to let his mask drop again, at least until he thinks he has destroyed the relationship between you and her. He is not going to give your arguments credence.

Also the harder you try to prove to her that she is wrong and you are right the tighter she will hang on and want to prove she isn’t wrong. I used to tell my ex that I didn’t understand why he and my mother didn’t get along because they both thought I was crazy and it was all my fault. The only difference between the two of them was she wanted me to leave and he wanted me to stay but they both were saying the same thing; there was something horribly wrong with me. My mom had always thought something was wrong with me, I am sure she still does; she does not understand why I am so sensitive, can spend days alone and be perfectly happy, why I feel driven to leave the world a better place because I was here. It doesn’t make me right either; it makes us different.

*An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure*

Most of us do our best as parents, children don’t come with a User Manual, most of us were raised by imperfect people, and we all screw up; the most we can hope for is that we don’t screw up our kids too bad. If we do screw up (and what they consider screwing up and what we consider screwing up could be totally different things) admitting we were wrong, acknowledging their feelings and apologizing goes a long way.

* The one thing we can do to thwart narcissist’s gaining control of our loved ones is this:

Appreciate our children are different from us, it doesn’t make them wrong or us wrong, they are not meant to be “mini-me’s” they are unique individuals in their own right. They may not care about social standing and prefer the company of dogs to people, that doesn’t make they weird or flawed in some way. There would be a whole lot less potential victims of the narcissists in the world if people were confident about who they are and living true to their core selves.

But, you know they are in danger now! and you want to save them! you don’t want to lose them, you are scared, really scared, panicked even, it is consuming you, you can’t sleep, eat, or think about anything other than getting your daughter away from this man. What can you do??

As hard as it is, the only thing you can do is arm them with information, if they don’t know about narcissists, give them website links, the phone numbers of shelters and support groups, tell them you love them, you are there for them, and you don’t blame them, that they can have a happy future without the narcissist and you will help them. But reserve the character analysis of the narcissist because it will make the victim defensive and protective of the narcissist. She will feel guilt about talking behind his back, regret telling you anything and it could put a wall between the two of you.

Drop the subject when you talk to her except if she brings it up, do not cut her out of your life and family functions, make sure he is invited also so she doesn’t feel she has to choose between you and him; DO NOT GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS, TOTAL CONTROL! If he is invited and chooses not to attend, then it falls squarely on his shoulders and she can’t blame you for him not going. By protecting her you are actually assisting him.

When you stop trying to break them up and stop talking about it the sooner he will let his mask drop again. You trying to talk sense into her head is only prolonging his “good guy phase”

A caring mother of a victim is a victim herself and in order to heal you must pull away from the toxicity of their relationship, in order to stay strong and healthy yourself so later you can help her. You must carry on with your life and your hobbies and friends, you need your friends more now than ever, don’t let her narcissistic relationship destroy your life, marriage, health. You have to have a normal healthy life so she can see that the narcissist is NOT all powerful and all encompassing.


The most important things you can do are:

Keep the lines of communication open – that means calling often to check on her without talking about the N, stop making it all about the narcissist and more about her. How is she doing, take her for lunch and don’t bring up the N unless she wants to talk about it. I know it is hard but you have to back off from trying to prove to her that she should leave.

Arm her with information and help her come up with a safety plan- it does not have to be a plan to leave, just a plan to stay safe.

Make sure she knows she is loved, appreciated and special to many people

Make sure she knows it is not her fault

Never make her feel like she is doing this to you. (this is not about you)

Never let her feel she is wrong for loving him, or sick, or weak, or co-dependent.

Encourage her to pursue some of her own interests

Be prepared for the day she does leave and be there!

If she does leave don’t expect her to “just get over it”, be happy he is out of her life or any other unrealistic expectations about how she should be feeling. Get her counselling, don’t let her be all alone, be supportive, listen, help with the kids, cook for her, just sit there with her while she cries.

What was the catalyst to me leaving? It was when my ex’s sister came to live with us. First it was his son and then his sister, but for the first time in almost 10 years I had witnesses to the abuse, it was not just me telling about the abuse and someone agreeing with me. His sister witnessed it, stepped in at times, and couldn’t believe I was not more upset about things he did (I had shut off my feelings) and it made me realize I was not crazy, over reacting or imagining things. She also told me he was eventually going to kill me and I knew she was right. She also stopped talking to him because he had hurt her and I thought if she can cut him out of her life so can I. Once we were split she was there for me. She came to stay with me for a few days whenever I had a panic attack, she reminded me of all the crazy things he did and having her there helped me to not weaken and call him. She came several times in that first year.

What was your catalyst to leaving the narcissist?

What do you wish someone would have done for you? what would have made you leave the narcissist sooner?

Please share!








Advice If You Are With A Narcissist But Don’t Want To Leave

I got a comment on the “30 Red Flags” post the other day and thought it was a topic worth talking about again.

broke own heart

I mean really, there must be some other advice when you discover you are with a narcissist, other than “RUN”. I remember how frustrated I’d become when searching for answers years ago; every single site I came to (there weren’t that many 10-12 years ago) said to leave. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted advice on how to stay, I loved this man, there must be a way of coping with his issues, some secret to having a doable relationship. I didn’t need a knight in shining armor, I was willing to compromise, communicate differently, feed his ego more. If I needed to give him space, or love him more, or express myself differently, I was willing to do whatever it took, just tell me so I can go about saving him and our relationship, but I was not going to jump ship and desert him. I loved this man with all my heart!

I have always thought that nothing is impossible if you are willing to do the work, that there is a solution to every problem if you don’t give up, and that true love will prevail. All relationships go through rough times but if you weather the storms you will be rewarded with true love and devotion, at 80 you will be sitting side by side in your rocking chairs with the love of your life laughing about the stupid fights you used to have. You will look knowingly at each other, because the storms will have brought you closer together.

Ah, yes, true enduring love! I do believe it exists, and I do believe that these days of instant gratification and “out with the old and in with the new” mentality are making “happily ever after” a lot harder to find, but it can be found; just not with a narcissist.

Sticking with the person you love is an admirable thing, it shows good character and that you are a person of your word, responsible, and have a heart, all the things of a narcissist does not have. *Hint number #1 – Both people must have these qualities in order for it to work.


Anyway, here is the comment:

I am newly married.. Im 23. I feel like everything you posted reminds me of my new husband. I have recently felt so uncomfortable in our home. No he isn’t cheating. He is just really mad. And under ” a lot of stress” when there is nothing to stress about. He never says he loves me or kisses me for no reason anymore. He used to be so loving and so caring about my wants and needs. Now nothing.. We have been together over 4 years now. I thought we were best friends, we enjoyed everything together.. Now everything is opposite and fights. I don’t know what to do.. Any advice other than run away?


My reply:

Keisha, I know it is not so easy to walk away from a marriage, a new marriage. I am sure you don’t want to give up on your marriage, are afraid of what friends and family would think and say, plus you thought you had met your soulmate, your partner for life! You don’t want to think it was all a scam. You want the fairytale, happily ever after relationship you signed up for. You vowed, “For better or worse” and you sure don’t want to run at the first sign of “worse”.
By asking for advice, “other than run” you are in essence asking for tips on how to be married to a narcissist; and there are none. If you want to know how to be reasonably happy with a narcissist, how to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want, how to argue with a narcissist, how to reason with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist happy, how to avoid conflict with a narcissist, how to make a narcissist love you, how to make a narcissist be faithful, – there are no tips or advice to be given because all of the above are impossible.

So then we come to how you can change yourself so you can be happy and yet stay in the relationship; there are lots of things you can try but you have to remember, the narcissist doesn’t like you to be happy so you will constantly have to lie and sneak to be happy, in other words hide your happiness from him which is an oxymoron right there.

Even if you give up all expectations of the narc, don’t expect gifts for any occasions, don’t expect to ever go out, never expect the narc to show up, keep his promises, be faithful, or care one iota about you or the kids you will have, even if you give up your family and friends and live only for the narcissist and be at his beck and call 24/7, smile happily when he saunters through the door after being MIA for 3 days; He will still find fault, push your buttons until you break, to the point of you finding him in bed with your best friend and then him being angry with you for being upset. “But he should have known, you always have been a selfish bitch and he can not deal with your warped view of reality.”
Take it from a woman who tried everything, sacrificed everything, far more than material possessions, I sacrificed my self esteem, values, morals, boundaries, friendships and family and he still cheated and later even taunted me to kill myself. That is the one thing I refused to give him; my life and he has been pissed about it ever since.
But if you are determined to not run, this is my advice to you.
First of all, know this; they do not ever change.
What not to do:
– Don’t tell him that you think he is a narcissist in hopes he will want to change. They can’t change, they are born this way, their brains are wired totally different than a normal brain, he can not feel empathy, guilt, remorse and he really just can not care nor does he want to. Telling him he is a narcissist could put you in danger.
– Don’t believe a word he says, if his lips are moving, he is lying, get used to it.
– Don’t have any expectations
– Don’t rely on him for your self worth, keep your friends and family
– Don’t try couples counseling, he will just manipulate the counselor into thinking it is all your fault and he is the victim or if you get a counselor who knows anything about narcissists he will decide the counselor is a quack and refuse to attend.
– Don’t bother trying to explain why the things he does hurt you in hopes that some day you will be able to explain it in such a way that he will finally understand and stop doing what he is doing.

Accept that this is the way your relationship is going to go. It will eventually get so bad that you feel you have no choice but to leave because he will act like he can’t stand the fact that you are breathing his air. BUT if you do leave he will do everything within his power to get you back, even apologize for everything he ever did wrong.
If you go back, the abuse will be worse than ever and the cycle will continue. The honeymoon period will be shorter and the abuse worse.

Keep reading up on narcissists, keep coming here for support, keep a journal so you can see the pattern and that you are repeating history over and over again and nothing ever gets better.

  • Journaling is the number one best thing you can do for many reasons; it will help you keep your sanity for when he gaslights you and says things didn’t happen, twists your words, rewrites history, when you find out 6 months later he was lying, to be used in court to prove abuse, when he eventually kills you it will give the police and your family answers to what happened. (Please visit it is written by the sister of a woman murdered by her soon to be ex husband)
  • Don’t stay 10 years like I did, or God forbid 30 years like some women
  • Please read the Safety Plan download at the top of the blog and other posts I have done on staying safe while in or leaving a narcissist.
  • Please do not have children with this man, do not bring an innocent life into this mess.

You say he isn’t cheating; I never thought my ex cheated on me either, I didn’t think he was capable of that kind of dishonesty, I really truly thought he loved me deeply and even when he had personal ads I didn’t think he would actually do anything about it.
I read somewhere that if you think your narcissist isn’t cheating you just haven’t caught him yet or he doesn’t feel he has you mentally beaten down far enough yet to take that step, but eventually he will cheat, 90% of them do, multiple times and with multiple women.

You are 23, with your whole life ahead of you, 30 years can fly by amazingly fast when you are dodging bullets, putting out fires, playing detective, and dancing as fast as you can while jumping through impossible hoops; all the while playing an endless game of “If only” in your head.

Look around at the married people you know, how many of them are recently married and always angry with their partner; I bet none.

We are here to help, encourage and support, but there is only one way to deal with a narcissist and that is to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and never have contact again.