Self Doubt and Wishful Thinking

If only I could believe what I know to be true. I think the self doubt comes from 10 yrs of being told black is white and what I know to be wrong is right and if it is wrong it’s my fault.
There are certain unwritten laws and boundaries that 95 % of society live by whether they are christians, or not. Common decency and respect for others rules that most of us learn throughout childhood into adulthood and help us live in relative peace in society. Even criminals and gangs have a code of ethics and clearly defined boundaries, but life with a narcissist has no clearly defined boundaries nothing is certain, nothing is sacred and there are no guarantees or set rules.
What you thought to be true yesterday is proven to be a lie and rules that applied to you don’t apply to him, what he said he wanted yesterday is what he’s angry about today. The love he promised a week ago to you he is now promising to someone else and he’s treating you like dirt under his feet.
We are taught certain things are unacceptable; hitting, lying, stealing, are all things that are wrong, no grey areas, you just don’t do them. But when you are in love with a narcissist they are part of your every day life and slowly bit by bit you become desensitized to the assault on your moral fibre and you accept what would have been totally unacceptable to you prior to your involvement with the N.
Even now 5 months after leaving JC I torment myself with self doubt. Certain things he did were wrong, hurtful and inexcusable, no one is perfect but I did nothing to deserve the hateful way he treated me. He wants to be “friends” and I struggle to give him that because I want him to “like” me. Why do I care? I have every right to be a hateful bitch if I feel like it, he totally disregarded my feelings morals values and boundaries. Why am I still accepting his excuse that it was my actions that drove him to do the things he did. His actions were inexcusable. Any one who would do the things he did/does will not change. A new woman is not going to be the miracle cure, he has not become moral, ethical, and capable of true love and commitment at 47 yrs old because he met the “right” woman. He has been the same with every woman he’s ever been with, he messed with my head for 10 yrs and he will continue until I stop it.
God help me be strong!

 

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6 thoughts on “Self Doubt and Wishful Thinking

  1. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:

    This is a post from May 19, 2011. It is what I hear coming from many people visiting my blog. It was written 5 months after leaving the N. Oh how I struggled!! I never thought I would see the day when I wouldn’t hurt at the thought of him.
    Hugs
    Carrie

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    • I have been N free for over a year now and have only just reached some comfortable level of detachment from him. I think the self doubt that we experience after leaving an N is because we are fundamentally caring souls and it is almost impossible for us to fathom that that person, that illusion that we fell in love with, that poor sweet lost little boy were going to save and protect from all those terrible people who have taken advantage of him in the past just didn’t exist. Shortly after I left he moved in another woman who brings far less to the table than I did and his life is taking a downward turn. I recently realized that the reason why none of the things I did for him and the sacrifices I made for him never meant anything to him. And he puts up with this woman who on surface seems to be bleeding him dry is quite simply because the only things that matters to him is adoration and worship. This woman will help him lose everything I helped him build but as long as she is happy to unquestionably idolize him she is perfect supply.
      Before we divorced and we were supposed to be trying to save our marriage. I asked him what can I do on my part to make the marriage better. He replied “appreciate me.” what he meant was just stop complaining and forget all the crappy things Ive done and just continue with the way things are without complaining.

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  2. Pheobe, it is impossible to keep them happy, if things are going smooth they will create drama. He doesn’t care about spending all the money you two made together because when it is gone he will find a woman who has money.
    My ex wanted me to be self supporting and pay most of his way also so he could buy motorcycles and guitars but he also wanted me home with supper ready, but he didn’t want to have to be home for supper or even have to answer for where he was when he didn’t come home until after work the next day. He didn’t want me to have family or friends and any new friendships we made never lasted because he was so full of himself after a few months they would drop off. They create so much drama all the time it is impossible to have a normal relationship or associate with normal couples.
    The woman he is with now was a widow with money, no kids, not terribly attractive and I think led a sheltered life and was naive. She was perfect for him, she didn’t need to work, had enough money to pay her way and he didn’t have to pay rent; she “lent” him almost $20,000 in the first 2 months of them being together. She gave him her brand new car to drive while she sat at home without a vehicle. He had exactly what he had always seemed to want but on his blog he was talking about them having to move and how miserable she has been ever since she found out they had to move. I hope for her sake she rented out her place and didn’t sell it. But he’s managed to move her out to a remote area away from her friends and family who she is very close to. He obviously hasn’t changed and she is trying to make him happy and it will never be good enough.
    Do you know for sure this woman is using him for his money or is that what he is telling you? It is pretty rare for an N to get taken for a ride by a woman she would have to have something more to offer or she would be just a passing fling.

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    • I think she thinks that she has landed on her feet as he takes credit for everything I did and maintained during the marriage. On the surface it looks like she’s bleeding him dry because thats how he wants it to look to outsiders. During our marriage I fought hard to keep him off drugs, to build his business and pay down his debts and it was a constant battle. I know the truth. She doesn’t. So when he says he is going to splash out on a new truck or boat or if he decided to blow money for groceries on a bag of weed instead she is just going to go along with it. Because he has told her everything she wants to hear and she doesn’t have the forward thinking or the desire to question it. She wanted him for a very long time. I think she will do her best to ignore the red flags as long as she can and even put his crappy behavior down to me being such an evil ex.
      The whole time I was with him I felt like I was holding him up and I did so much for him. From what our child and his mother has told me about being there, she spends her days chain smoking and watching tv, she cant cook, only does her own laundry. He is now maxed out on all his credit cards, his business is taking a nosedive and he looks really unhealthy. All in all she is completely sucked in by his bs. And doesn’t realize that it was someone else that carried him to the place he is today and she will come out of that relationship with as much as she brought into it.I predict that when it all hits the fan he will ditch her for someone who is going to build him back up again. So I really feel sorry for the next one. This current woman has been a constant thorn in my side so I have very little sympathy for her. As things are right now I think they truly deserve each other.

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