I Had No Idea How Damaged I Am

I knew I was hurting, angry and lonely but I don’t think any one can understand, even me, how devastating the constant abuse from JC was. At times I feel obsessed about him and the past 10 years. Its like driving past an accident and not being able to stop yourself from looking. I read somewhere that people who witness a horrific accident, say someone caught in a burning car; will relive the accident over and over again. Its the brain trying to comprehend what it witnessed, and apparently part of the healing process.
I can understand that in a way. I hadn’t realized how much I had “forgotten” or blocked out. It makes sense that a person would block a lot of it out because if you didn’t you wouldn’t be able to function, it would drive you insane. But in order to heal completely you have to deal with it or the feeling of loss and pain would keep cropping up and surfacing at inappropriate times. If the mind let’s you remember and rehash events slowly you are able to deal with the pain and anger bit by bit as you get stronger.
So sometimes it feels like you aren’t making any progress with healing and you can’t seem to stop living in the past; but you are making headway.
The part I have the hardest time accepting is JC can’t love, not really, he collects women, he needs the ego boost but he never loved me. It leaves a person feeling so empty, raped, you bared your soul to this person, stood there naked,and they laughed at you.
I remember as a very little girl there were two sisters that lived behind us, the Lynne and Betty Bell; funny I can remember their names fifty yrs later. They used to call to me to come and play and I was so shy, but I wanted to play so bad I eventually forced myself to go over there. But when I did they hit me with bull rushes and laughed. I don’t remember it hurting physically but obviously it caused a lot of emotional pain.
Narcissists are like that, they are experts at,” come here so I can reject you”. It is beyond my comprehension why someone would do that to another person, to an animal for that matter.

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5 thoughts on “I Had No Idea How Damaged I Am

  1. redrose

    I have spent the last two nights and countless others questioning my sanity along with crying because the N has moved on to an endless supply on thhe internet…men and women. After making a date to meet a woman this weekend, he got off the phone and said some stupid thing ghat was meant to make me laugh, then sat down to watch tv. I could have confronted him with what I heard, but we all know they will lie, twist things and we turn out to look like the bad guys. If I had ANYWHERE else to go, I would leave in a heartbeat. Instead I put a smile on my face and pretend nothing is wrong. Because I learned early on…do not question him…you WILL be punished in some way shape or form. But it simply hurts so bad when the relationship slowly started going downhill…he actually used the word “conditioning” to describe what he does to a female friend he has had for 30+ years. And he said he would not put up with her if she was not USEFUL to him…his words. The man is sick, pathetic and scary. I guess I have cried all I am going to for the night…and he just got up to look at porn on the computer…ugh….

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Redrose, and why do you stay? Just wondering. I stayed also, for 8 &1/2 yrs longer than I should have. Are you having unprotected sex with him? They say that domestic violence usually ends with the victim:s death. If not directly by the hand of the abuser, by suicide, heart decease, std’s.
      If he is being that blatant about his escapades it is only a matter of time before he discards you and you can guarantee he will find the most cruel way possible.

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    2. missouriflower

      I agree with Carrie, this guy is going to hurt and humiliate you in the most cruel and painful way he find. Once he settles on new supply, he’s gonna love rubbing your nose in it while coldly discards you! You need to get out and get it out now! Maybe there”s some shelters nearby you could tap into? That bastard is out to DESTROY YOU! Really!

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  2. redrose

    Thank you for the responses. Am I the only one out here that finds the Narcissist almost fascinating in a purely clinical way? I listen to what he says, watch what he does, and so often I find myselsf just saying under my breath, “wow….seriously?” Or just shaking my head because he is so obvious when he lies. Do they not know that we know they are lying? Or do they simply not care if we know.? It is almost like are challenging us ….saying, “I know you know I am lying…but what the hell are you going to do about it? It simply amazes me how their mind works……it is like trying to wrap your head around how a mass murderer thinks.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      redrose, no you aren’t the only one, it is just a dangerous fascination because you ARE trying to wrap your head around how a mass murderer thinks. Who do you think murderers are if not someone without a conscience? who feels they are omnipotent and with an ego that needs continual stroking?
      The Psychopath eventually doesn’t give a shit if you believe his lies or not because he knows he has broken you and you won’t argue with him anyway. he does care if people believe him as long as they just shut up. He feels powerful because he knows his lies are transparent and you still stick around, he is just laughing to himself, he isn’t stupid….not in the least, he is very intelligent and that is what makes him very scary. If you think you are one up on him you are playing a dangerous game. i don’t think you fully comprehend how dangerous. I know I didn’t, well no in the end I did figure it out but by that time I was memorized by his blatant disregard for my feelings and fascinated with how crazy he was acting. It took his sister, someone from the outside, someone who was coming from a sane world to experience his and my life, to say to me, he is going to kill you, he is fucking nuts.
      i am being that sane voice for you now, get out of there, he is nuts, he doesn’t have a conscience and he is getting so sick of playing the game he doesn’t even try to lie any more. he isn’t getting enough supply off you any more and he is bored. No one knows what they will do when they reach that point.
      You say you would leave if you had a place to go, you are going to have to find a place. 80% of the women who leave these relationships have no where to go, that is not going to change, there are shelters, you might have to move in with your folks, I don’t know where you will go but you have to go. There is some place. I left and moved to a hell hole, I slept in my truck, but I got out because I was sleeping with my purse and truck keys under my pillow and afraid he would kill me in my sleep, light the place on fire, blow my vehicle up, whatever I was going to die. All domestic abuse relationships end, the final step is usually when the victim is murdered. the only other options are you leave, or he discards you for another woman.
      Sorry, those are the facts.
      hugs

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