The Dark Cloud of Narcissism

It has been over 6 months since I moved out and yet that dark cloud will float down from no where and envelope me almost smothering me.
I was at the river with Kato, watching him chase waves totally in his glory! So happy! If a dog can smile he had the biggest smile on his face. And all of a sudden I was crying, sobbing and so terribly sad.
It used to be the way I felt all the time so I suppose I have to be encouraged that now it is only once a week for a day or two. I never used to expect the worst to happen, I actually looked forward to the future and anticipated what it held. Now I fear the future and what it might bring. With JC I got so accustomed to disappointment, nothing ever went as planned, I was always let down, things never stayed good for long. Yesterday I found myself thinking I needed him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok, that I was ok. But he was the one that made life so uncertain, I never knew day to day if he would get fired, if he would come home, if he would come to bed, be home for supper, be loving or cold and filled with loathing for me. I adapted to living conditions no one should have to accept. I realize now he lived in his own fantasy world so the reality of our living conditions never sunk in, I on the other hand always had to cope with the repercussions of his actions. I gave up control of my life to a man who was totally out of touch with reality.

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