I Wish I Could Find The Words

There are no words to describe the pain I feel. I can’t explain why I stayed for 10 yrs, I can’t explain why I have cried for days in a row because I was talking to people who know J and told me a few things about his new relationship. I have had breakups before and they hurt like hell, but after 7 months I didn’t still want to beg him back. Honest to God, I want to get down on my knees and beg him to love me again. But I know he never did love me. I know in my heart he won’t ever change. I know I have no choice, I HAVE to live without him. I wish someone could explain to me why I can’t let go. He treated me horrible, he didn’t respect me, he screwed around, he’s sick, incapable of love, but he was such a good actor.
His new woman has so much to lose and I wonder if she will last 10 yrs or more. He seems to be able to hang onto women for quite awhile usually. Either they are very short or he clings for years. It seems all his ex’s eventually forgive him, or all hold out hope he’ll come back, that he’s changed. But he never does. He just tells different lies.
I realize now that when he found his son and was trying to win the mother back that he actually was trying to pay her back for hurting him. He wanted to win her back and then dump her. When I found a letter to her once he said it was a joke and I didn’t see the humour. He said if I knew the truth I wouldn’t be upset. That just shows how out of touch he is. But to him it was fair payback.

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