It’s Time to Admit the Truth

It is the strangest feeling, knowing he is out there, loving someone else, probably saying and doing the same things he did with me in the beginning. He was so subtle about how he made his ex’s sound like horrible bitches. He has mastered the art of bragging or criticizing so that it looked like he really hates to say anything but wanted to be honest with you, he kind of hesitates as if he is thinking twice about saying anything and then says it almost apologetically. I believed him and I am sure she believes him now.

The thing is, even if he came to me and begged me to go back to him I couldn’t, it is so over and that is such an empty feeling.

I have had 3 marriages end, and I have never felt so empty, so much like I’ll never love again. I have never felt like I wasted years of my life. I have never felt a relationship was a total waste of time and my love was a waste or inferior or that he had never loved me.

But with JC I do, I still feel stupid for believing him, stupid for trusting him, and now he is gone. He just changes events to suit his agenda, makes me out to be the one to blame and steps into the life of another man.

I really hope his new girlfriend is smart enough to not lose everything, but I fear he will pressure her into investing into some venture of his or she’ll succumb to the demands for money like I did.

But then out of the blue I doubt myself, maybe it was all my fault, maybe once you get to know me you realize how dysfunctional my views are and it’s just impossible to live with me. Maybe I drove him crazy with unreasonable demands, maybe I am totally selfish, maybe I am out of touch with reality, maybe I was too demanding, too needy. I replay the whole relationship over and over, read his blog look for clues to what I did wrong.

But he never really says, one day he is happy with me and then the next entry he’s found Tina and I am just a bitch who is trying to keep him from his son, which is no where near the truth; I just didn’t want him sleeping there.

Oh well, its over and all the rehashing in the world isn’t going to change anything. Beside I always said he needed a woman who was financially independent, without kids or a job so she could give him her total attention and not have any distractions taking up her time. Someone willing to clean up behind him, cook when ever he comes home and pay her own way and his when necessary. So maybe he’s found the one. Good for him, I wish I could be happy for him.

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9 Replies to “It’s Time to Admit the Truth”

  1. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:

    For those of you struggling with self doubt and resentment that he has moved on. If you feel you should be further along with your healing this is a post I dug out of the archives. It is from August 2011, 8 months after we split. I had found out he got engaged to his new victim in March (he met her in January).
    To be honest I went back in my posts because I am starting to forget how I felt at what time in my recovery and thought I needed a refresher in order to be empathetic to the new victim’s coming in here.
    I don’t want to lose patience with new victims of a narcissist. I want to be able to remember how much I hurt, the confusion, the self doubt. It’s hard to believe but he and I split at the beginning of December 2010. So how many years does that make it? Four years and 3 months. Haha there was a time I could have told you how many days, minutes and seconds.
    I don’t ever want to forget totally because I never want to lose my compassion but time does heal all wounds, trust me when I say that.
    As with childbirth the pain becomes a faint memory only difference is this time you are not giving birth to your child, you are giving birth to your inner child. It is painful in a different way but very similar in other ways. Just like childbirth the end result is so rewarding, given time you would do it all again. I don’t know that I would willingly go into another relationship with a narcissist but if given the chance I would not eliminate the experience from my life because the end result is rewarding enough I would not want to give up what I have now, the inner peace I have found. I hope you all take the time to learn the lessons this experience holds because they truly are worth the pain and not everyone is given the opportunity for that kind of personal growth. I hope you don’t mask the pain with another relationship, or grow so bitter you shut yourself off. I hope you all make this time about you and your growth and what you needed to learn from this life lesson because if you don’t learn the lesson you are doomed to repeat it until you do learn.
    Please try to view this as a once in a lifetime opportunity to find inner peace and contentment and face it with an optimistic mind. The rewards are a life time of sunlight and possibilities

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  2. Thanks for the reminder, wise words, and inspiration. I literally felt (knew) on Sunday I was going to die if I remained laying in this pain. I grieved this the following day. I felt a huge loss, like the reality of a death of the relationship and everything I once believed about it. Hard to explain and hard to accept. I’ve overcome quite a bit in my life, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. Today I picked myself up with breathing, prayer, positive thinking, and self-care. I’m hoping for a rebirth after this “death.” Thank you for your honesty and kind words of compassion. Keep on truckn lady with at truck!

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  3. Very timely for me, just today my ex husband has found my blog..not sure how. Also an old girlfriend of his contacted me trying to find him. Weird day! It is always good to remember how bad it was, so we never make that mistake again. He still seeps into my thoughts every once in a while and then I wake up and shutter. SMH…Thanks for the reminder.

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    1. Mark, thank you! I appreciate the thought. that little girl gave quite the speech I could only ever hope to have a room full of prominent people listening to me; if I did i would probably forget everything I wanted to say. She did remarkably well!

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  4. Gm everyone,thank you for this reminder,as am in recovery stages myself,also have a few friends dealing with ex narcs to,have to gently remind myself when I become frustrated how it felt to me,when I tried to justify why I stayed-went back.my frustration isn’t @ my friends its their ex.

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    1. Shannon, it is hard to not get frustrated and i look back now and can understand why people got frustrated with me. All part of the process. We really do lose our ability to think clearly when we are in the relationship and the fog takes a long time to lift,

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