It is the strangest feeling, knowing he is out there, loving someone else, probably saying and doing the same things he did with me in the beginning. He was so subtle about how he made his ex’s sound like horrible bitches. He has mastered the art of bragging or criticizing so that it looked like he really hates to say anything but wanted to be honest with you, he kind of hesitates as if he is thinking twice about saying anything and then says it almost apologetically. I believed him and I am sure she believes him now.
The thing is, even if he came to me and begged me to go back to him I couldn’t, it is so over and that is such an empty feeling.
I have had 3 marriages end, and I have never felt so empty, so much like I’ll never love again. I have never felt like I wasted years of my life. I have never felt a relationship was a total waste of time and my love was a waste or inferior or that he had never loved me.
But with JC I do, I still feel stupid for believing him, stupid for trusting him, and now he is gone. He just changes events to suit his agenda, makes me out to be the one to blame and steps into the life of another man.
I really hope his new girlfriend is smart enough to not lose everything, but I fear he will pressure her into investing into some venture of his or she’ll succumb to the demands for money like I did.
But then out of the blue I doubt myself, maybe it was all my fault, maybe once you get to know me you realize how dysfunctional my views are and it’s just impossible to live with me. Maybe I drove him crazy with unreasonable demands, maybe I am totally selfish, maybe I am out of touch with reality, maybe I was too demanding, too needy. I replay the whole relationship over and over, read his blog look for clues to what I did wrong.
But he never really says, one day he is happy with me and then the next entry he’s found Tina and I am just a bitch who is trying to keep him from his son, which is no where near the truth; I just didn’t want him sleeping there.
Oh well, its over and all the rehashing in the world isn’t going to change anything. Beside I always said he needed a woman who was financially independent, without kids or a job so she could give him her total attention and not have any distractions taking up her time. Someone willing to clean up behind him, cook when ever he comes home and pay her own way and his when necessary. So maybe he’s found the one. Good for him, I wish I could be happy for him.