No Contact!!!! The Narcissist Does NOT Change!

You know the saying; those that can’t, teach? Well that is me, please believe me, no contact with your ex narcissistic spouse is the only way to save yourself.
To quote my father, “Do as I say not as I do!”

They do NOT change, they do NOT care about you and they will NOT give you closure or admit they had any fault in the relationship failing. IF they do admit fault and apologize, run for cover because they are “softening” you up for another go around.

If you go back, the abuse WILL be worse! They won’t respect you for being so weak that you believed their crap, and they won’t stop whatever they were doing to hurt you, if they had personal ads now they will up the anti to actually dating, if they were already dating then they will fall in love, if it was jealousy he will be even more controlling, if you were doing well without him he will systematically destroy anything that empowers you. He will make sure you are dependent on him again. Believe me when I say; you will NOT win.

You can not be friends, if you aren’t a source of NS he has no use for you. Plus he gets his kicks from hurting you, if he can make you feel bad and insecure he feels in control plus he hates you for not having an endless supply of ns. He demanded the impossible and hates you for failing to deliver, there is no changing his mind.

He will start a smear campaign against you to make himself look like the victim and he will lie to you about things you did to him.

You can not win and he will hurt you.

Have some pride and don’t let him do it to you!

I contacted him yesterday because his sister tried to commit suicide and contacted me; it doesn’t matter what is happening he has to put his digs in about the new g/f, his new wonderful life. I am so sorry I called!

Learn from my mistakes.

Has any one ever gotten a genuine apology from a narcissist? Ever gotten closure? Ever seen one change for the better? I’d love to hear about it if you have!

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19 thoughts on “No Contact!!!! The Narcissist Does NOT Change!

  1. You are so right , My nieces mother died tragically , I went to the funeral that day and it was very emotional , she was a drug addict who abandonded them when they were young , they poured their feeling out , after an all day drive I got home and was sharing and emotional , my nieces are young , he said “You are repeating yourself ” I said ‘Sorry ” I feel emotional …then a month later his Aunt Ros dies 93 years old that the family hadnt seen in 30 years ..OMG …callls , everyone all upset …the family needs to get together ……he wanted to vent to me ….I did an eye roll to the pathetic loser …that was the last thing I ever share with him ….they are sick and evil …

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    1. They are evil but if they are good they can fake emotions so well when they want to. I can remember times JC made my blood run cold because he was so insensitive and other times he would cry over something far less. Sometimes though I could tell he wasn’t sure what emotion would be appropriate or he’d have a hard time drumming up the tears and he’d look away and put his hand up. As if to say “I don’t want you to see me cry” but actually he needed time to well them up in his eyes. Gag me!! But I still stayed. So what does that say about me?

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      1. Ladyw…I think that every person who lets an abuser do what they do with their souls (mind games, emotional torchure) have childhood issues. An overprotective parent, too strict, too demanding, too distant, etc. They (we) have boundary problems and in an attempt to feel accepted we let people walk all over us! It’s so shocking to realise but it helped me! Now I’m working on putting boundaries to safeguard my heat and at the same time trying to let go of a narcissist who dumped me

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        1. I agree with you totally. I don’t think anyone is immune to them but the ones with past issues are more likely to hang in longer and have a harder time recovering.

          Personally I had many years of counseling under my belt from my teens until well into my 30’s because of my upbringing and felt I had all my issues dealt with. But they play on your slightest insecurities, use psychological triggers that we are more sensitive too than someone with a truly healthy upbringing wouldn’t respond to.

          They say a person’s personality is formed by the time they are 6 and I believe that. After that you can try to overcome any “conditioning” and may appear to be “together” but those triggers lay there dormant in the person’s mind and can be brought back with the expert manipulation and emotional abuse of a narcissist. That is why they ask so many questions and appear so interested in you; they are on a fact gathering mission. You feel “safe” with them because they seem to love you so much so you share even more and give them more ammo to use against you.

          I remember JC saying once that he didn’t want to tell me things about his past because I would use it against him down the road. I was hurt that he thought I would do that. But I learned from being with him 10 yrs that what he accused me of was exactly what he was doing.

          If you are raised in an unhealthy environment you have previous training in not listening to your gut instincts, walking on egg shells, believing someone who is telling you its your fault, you aren’t good enough, or you don’t deserve better.

          Very good point Melanie.

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          1. Believe me this hell I’m going through right now made me do some soul digging to find answers. I now realize that being an only child was disastrous because my parents were overprotective and they made me feel guilty in order to control me so that I was perfect in everything. School, ballet, languages, everything! Imagine all that pressure! That can really mess you up! So, SUBCONCIOUSLY, later on in life, I allowed someone to ‘punish’ me for being a ‘bad girl’ and failed to rise up to my parent’s standards!! Terrifying!

            It’s so hard to let him go though! I needed closure! He disappeared and ignored me like I never existed after 4 years! I txt him saying I was worried and never replied. After 2 weeks I txt him again giving my own ‘closure’ saying: ‘What can I say? I’m upset that you don’t give any signs of life no matter what you feel. So, I’m giving you the space you show me that you need. I don’t like this though. I hate to find this wall in front of me all of a sudden! After 4 years I expected that we would talk it out! I’ll miss u! Take care!’ At the time I wrote the txt I had no idea what narcissism was!

            I didn’t think he would reply – because he ignored me for 2 months- but he did after 10 minutes (!!!) saying: ‘U r right I apologise baby we’ll meet and talk. Kisses goodnight!’ That was 3 weeks ago. I’m like what the ****? Why did he say that? He has no intention of talking to me or seeing me why did he bother txting me? To make me hold my breath until his next move probably or show me that HE desides when it ends because he’s a control freak? My God! He’s the devil in disguise! An irrisistible disguise that looks exactly like William Levy with blue eyes!!

            WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY? I feel nunb!!! I see everythng grey! I behave like a crushed teenager and I’m in my thirties! There are times I feel determined and strong and other times I feel this powerlessness!

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  2. I was reading earlier comments about narcissist. Satan is a narcissist..that should tell you the bottom line. Narcissists are evil. If you are not living with this kind of person..you will feel they are hiding a lot from you. And I found after 3 and half years with a narcissist I didn’t know him. Narcissists Do not share their thoughts and deepest feelings. I felt alone in the relationship. The confusion of this took a toll on my physical health. RUN FROM THIS. DONT LOOK BACK. ITS HELL ON EARTH.
    .

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    1. Glenda, you are so right! So many times I knew I should run and he’d guilt me or manipulate me into taking him back. In the end he told me it was my own fault that he hurt me; because I should have told him to fuck off long ago.

      And that was his apology after his new woman made him into a “changed man”.

      The thing that sets them apart from any other relationship breakup is they purposely set out to destroy the woman. They can’t just leave. They have to destroy and leave the woman a quivering shell of herself and then as he leaves he gives her a good kick just to prove he can.

      They are the devil; I think all narcissist’s sold their souls to the devil in a previous life. Or they are all “Rosemary’s Baby”. One thing for sure. They aren’t human and don’t have a heart.

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    2. Hi glenda, just read yr post….its scary and uncanny that you sound like yr talking about my N. Broke up with him 3 weeks ago. I always felt he was hiding so much from me constantly whilst living together. Compulsive liar……sneaky, suspicious as, no direct answers to my questions. we were married but i didnt no him…..he had his own bank account and i had mine, i brought up about getting a joint one numerous times but he wasnt keen. i had no idea of how much wages he made, what was ever in his bank, i wasnt allowed near his phone, laptop, mail never came coz everything of his was sent to his laptop. All passwords to bank, laptop, phone all secret……It was a nightmare…..you cant tell me that is all normal aye??

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  3. Nothing says “I care.” like showing that he couldn’t be bothered by anything detrimental going on in his family’s lives. He would’ve been ostracized in my family, and probably flogged.

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  4. my dear your words are gold, they don’t and never will change, run for the hills, forget, try your best to forget, I did the mistake for coming back, I regret it now, my life would have been better if I didn’t……..am happy he didn’t destroy my entire life…….he was my first love and the story is too long, and honestly I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, just wanna run and recover that’s all.

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  5. This happens to men too. I am still trying to overcome the constant thinking of her. Does she miss me? Does she think of me? Not in the way I would think a normal person does. NC is hard. The guilt after NC is hard. You question yourself. Could I have done more. Could I have ignored the infidelity? Could I be wrong in thinking a monogamous relationship means that you forsake all questionable contact with others of the opposite sex? They make you question everything. And worst of all is the way the N breaks everything about you before moving on. You question your values, morals… self esteem is destroyed. You wonder who the hell you even are anymore. Strong as you “used” to be… how you never would have let this happen… doesn’t matter anymore. Life is a whole new beast with big nasty teeth and a really horrendous attitude. But, you keep your head up, even if feigned for now, and tell yourself you will get past it. That the thoughts will stop. That the dreams will fade over time…. I hope.

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    1. Rob yes it most certainly does happen to men also. Please read my latest post 8 Rep Day it might help you get through the tough times in the beginning. Empathetic people do doubt themselves that is what makes us empathetic; and a perfect target for a narcissist. We are willing to look at our actions and admit fault. That is what keeps us trying, keeps us in the relationship and eventually is our undoing. But we can recover and put ourselves back together, bit by bit. It won’t happen over night, don’t think if the whole picture, just today. When I thought about the overwhelming task of putting myself back together I was immobilized, it was just too huge to even know where to start. So I took it one tiny step at a time. There is no time limit to healing. Please read 8 Rep Day. I think you will find it useful.
      HUgs
      Carrie

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  6. I am glad I came across your blog….been going thru this for about 4 years. I am only 23 and I feel as if I am 100 years old. My ex and I are always on and off. This “relationship” has got to be the number 1 thing in my life that has ever made me feel this drained, run down, and depressed. They suck the life right out of you. And for what really???? It is very sad to be in this situation. I tried plenty times to leave. I know what life will be like if I stay. I hope I gain the strength and courage to run..to not be brainwashed by his apologies and bullshit ever again. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a narcissist. Personally speaking, I have many childhood issues that I definitely brought into adulthood. And when that’s the case, it is very hard to leave. I’m glad I found a place where I can vent without being judged, only understood. Thank you.

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