The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

I was reading posts on one of the many “victims of narcissistic abuse” support forums and one of the women posted this link.

I found it very therapeutic, because as much as I hate to admit it; I do feel it isn’t fair he’s gone off and found “happiness” and is giving her all the things I had asked for and he denied me.

I know in my logical mind he hasn’t changed, simply by the way he treats me and talks about me. If he had changed he wouldn’t be lying now. He would admit his mistakes instead of still blaming me for everything.

If he had changed he would be getting hold of his sister and apologizing and at the very least he would have gone to her when she tried to commit suicide.

Anyway, following is an article that really helped me deal with “the new girlfriend” and a link to the site which has a lot of very insightful information on recovering after a relationship with a narcissist. It helped me and I hope it will be a help to some other woman who is out there torturing herself thinking about the ex and his new “love”

The Other Woman–Now He’s HAPPY With HER!

Nothing cranks a woman up more than going through a drama-filled ending of her dysfunctional, pathological, abusive, addicted and/or sick relationship ONLY to find he rapidly moved on and now seems ‘so happy.’ Women tend to conclude it must have been ‘her’ and if he can be happy with someone else and not her, well then….it was some shortcoming in her and she needs to study up to figure out just what ‘went wrong.’

⁠February 7, 2011 by dl
Filed under Sandra Says (Column)

Ladies, ladies ladies….by now you have been reading enough of these newsletters to be able to ‘chant’ the ABC’s of Pathology I have been teaching you—pathology is:

The inability to:
– consistently sustain positive change
– grow to any emotional/spiritual depth
and
– develop meaningful insight about how his behavior negatively effects others

THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR when it comes to a pathological.

So what you have to ask yourself is how were his previous relationships? I don’t mean what he TOLD you they were (all her fault, she was a psycho, sleaze, or whacked) but what really happened in them.

If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the ‘quality’ of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships? Yup…that’s what I thought.

How was his relationship with you? No, I’m not talking about the honeymoon cycle when both of you are living off of endorphins. I’m talking about the guts of the thing….the meat and bones of it.

So, he has a history of his own ‘Trail of Tears’ — a path littered with the lives of wounded women and children? Your relationship has left you as one more statistic of his pathological heart breaks.

Now, there’s ‘HER’ — appearing all happy, snuggley and ‘in love’! You see her as getting all the good parts of him you always loved and none of the bad parts! After all, the reason
you left him was all that bad stuff!

Doesn’t it make you want to call her up and tell her what’s just around the corner in the relationship?

Doesn’t it make you want to curl up in a fetal position and cry that he has ‘found happiness in the arms of another?’

Doesn’t it make you sick in the pit of your stomach or consume you with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about how wonderfully ‘in love’ he is? STOP THE DRAMA!

Repeat after me….”Pathology is the inability to sustain positive change” “the best predictor of HIS future behavior is his past behavior” — so just what does that mean? There are honeymoon phases of every relationship. Lovers live on the high of the ‘falling in love stage.’ We already know that pathologicals don’t ‘technically’ fall in love but they do hang around and experience some level of attachment. But YOU experienced the whole endorphin falling in love sensation. Well, so is SHE.

How long did yours last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or two of ok-ness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating….once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.

Guess what’s gonna happen AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating, then she’ll eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserableness of knowing what he’s doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then he’ll rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her or leave.

~OUILA~ she is now on his ‘Stepford Wives List of Rejects’. She’s one more tear on his ‘Trail of Tears.’ You haven’t seen behind their closed doors to know what SHE’s dealing with….he hasn’t changed—he’s hardwired so she’s going to be dealing with the same thing you did. It’s just a matter of WHEN.

If I were a gambling girl, I’d put my money every stinking time on the consistency of pathology and his inability to ever change in ANY relationship–the previous one, yours, or the future ones. She’s not getting the best of ANYTHING. She’s you. And in a short time, she’ll be another statistic. If pathology doesn’t change, this relationship is wired for destruction.

There are NO happy endings in relationships with pathologicals. There are no pumpkin-drawn carriages, no sweet little house with three children…scratch that record! Stop attributing normal characteristics to a profoundly abnormal person.

Women spend all their precious emotional energy on obsessing about the quality of his relationship with the next victim instead of working on themselves–using that energy for their own healing. They live in a fantasy world where they are deprived of this wonderful relationship and he is off living the life of a normal person. This fantasy does not end with “And they lived happily ever after.”

Your positive fantasy thoughts of him being happy with someone are the memories that are
pulling all of your focus while you totally forget how this horror flick is going to end. If you need a reminder, read all of our archived Sandra Says columns.

Take a deep breath and come back…she hasn’t got anything you haven’t already gotten from him–MISERY. If she doesn’t have it right now, she will have it shortly. Once you really ‘get it’ about the permanence of pathology you’ll understand that his ability to be different in the relationship doesn’t exist. If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you. But he didn’t–and he won’t. Whatever exists right now is that short honeymoon cycle until she realizes what he is and ISN’T–and what he can NEVER be. Don’t bother picking up the phone and telling her what he is and isn’t. Just worry about your own recovery….from this
moment on, it’s all about you

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her

158 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s New Girlfriend

  1. Noelle

    It’s been a year since I’ve seen or talked to my ex narcissist. As much as he destroyed me, and as much as I continue to let it destroy me, I continue to love and long for him everyday. He recently bought a house with someone that he dumped me for after only knowing her for 5 months. I know this girl is in for the ride of her life but none the less it hurts so much that she has everything he promised me and never gave me. it hurts so much, sometimes I get so jealous reading other people’s stories about how their ex narcs hover, I think to myself, why can’t mine do that to me? Just one text, a phone call, email, anything, I’d give my right arm for it. How foolish is that? my mind knows I’m the lucky one that he is gone for good but my heart wishes I would hear from him. I never got any answers from him, I feel I don’t have closure. We were together for 8 months, his mask came off after 5 short weeks, it was to the extreme, 2 totally different people. I never saw that amazing part of him again so why do I long for someone that I now know doesn’t exist? I was single for 9 years before I fell in love with this monster, the guy before him was bipolar and so was my husband, I just wanted to raise my kids without the drama. Even though bipolar was so hard to deal with, I’d do it again in a heartbeat over a narcissist. I never thought my husband felt love or had feelings because he was so mean but boy was I wrong. Nothing is worse than a Narc, zero empathy, zero emotion, zero cares about anyone but themselves. Narcissism is the scariest thing I’ve ever dealt with in a human being. I am so afraid to be around people anymore, as I’ve had a friend or 2 with horrible personality disorders also. I know I’m a people pleaser to the extreme so I’m assuming that’s why they flock to me but why do I flock to them? I guess I consider myself lucky for already knowing what a narcissist was, at least I’m not sitting here still in confusion but it doesn’t help with the hurt. I never told him or brought up narcissism as I know he would blow up and deny it. I know where his new gf works and have been tempted to just print out a sheet on Narcissim and mail it to her, not because I want revenge or want to hurt her but just so she has it in her brain for down the road. I feel so guilty knowing all this and letting him destroy someone else. But I’m opting against it. Im sure she has already seen some red flags. There’s a small part of me that thinks because he moved in with her that he is treating her like gold and that he must really be in love with this woman if he dumped me for her but deep down I know that’s not true, I’m assuming she’s going to have it much worse since she is living with him day to day. I guess I should count my blessings. I just don’t understand why these narcs are so awful towards us yet we long for them and can’t let them go, you’d think it be easy just to say goodbye and slam the door in their face. I hope and pray I can move on and eventually forget about him as I’ve done with everyone else, this one seems to be taking forever. I hope all of you can also heal and move on and feel real love at some point. Hugs and prayers!

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  2. Bonny

    Noelle,
    It does take a while but you have to train yourself to overcome their craziess. We become addicted to them. Just remember success is the best revenge. Taking care of you is the most important thing (I know, easier said than done) cry it out, get angry, scream, punch a pillow and talk talk talk about it..talk till you get sick of yourself talking (that’s the only way to heal) Make sure you find a friend or family member that will listen, validate and show empathy as these were the things missing from the narc. Once you feel lice again from a friend or family member you’ll remember that you are worthy, loved and deserve more than crumbs and torment. Trust me we are much better off without them, you know in your heart and soul that you’ll be much better without them..We all are..she’s not getting any more than you did..feel sorry for her but dont contact her. Walk a way with your head held high and smile. He will do the same thing over and over and over just as he did before you. The best prediction of future behavior is their past behavior…Trust that to the full extent!!!
    Good luck to you..move on from that craziess (not easy I know) do something good for you and someone else today…shower, dress to impress YOURSELF you’ll start to feel much better!!!! I’ve been where you are, I’m not 100% over it but I will and so will you

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    1. Mar

      Sorry you are experiencing this all too familiar pain Noelle. I recommend you take control and block him form contacting you (online, texts, calls, etc)…. that way you won’t jump every time the phone rings or dings! It was hard but gave me so much peace when I finally did that! God bless!

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  3. threeheadsstudios

    I know exactly how you feel. My ex was a monster. Cruel to the core. He would say the most hurtful things to me (he never loved me, never should have married me, I was holding him back, he was not attracted to me) and then, he would turn around and tell me he loved me and that I was his soulmate. He would stop talking to me for the slightest offenses. I gave him a spoon instead of a fork. It didn’t take much. It started escalating into physical abuse. Things like throwing something at me during an argument, raising his hand in a threat to hit me and slapping something out of my hand and yelling in my face when I refused to do what he said to do. I left him because I had a daughter to protect and I grew up in domestic violence and I didn’t want that for her. I didn’t want her replaying the trauma in her own life. I did a really good job of staying out of the marriage. He courted me more than he ever had and begged me to come back but I said no. His apologies were often hollow. He’d change for a week and then, the old behaviors would resurface. It was funny that his pleas for me to come back started the day after he called me a golddigger for asking him to contribute financially to his daughter’s wellbeing. Every time I rebuffed him, he would send a nasty message back. Finally, we divorced and things were still a little hostile between us, although he says that’s just how families argue. Not healthy ones in my opinion. He would hoover from time to time. Texted me at 5am in the morning about an imaginary illness. I called him of course like an idiot and was super worried about him and started researching things to help him. Come to find out, he was fine. He bought my book and sent me a picture to congratulate me. He finds random reasons to text me. Asks to come into my apartment all the time. Even on the day when I found out he had a girlfriend that he had been hiding for nearly 6 months. Hiding is exactly what it was because he’d park his car way down the street so I wouldn’t see her. He always referred to her as someone. But he introduced this woman into our daughter’s life and used our daughter as a prop to woo this woman. Sickening because before he turned himself into super dad, he refused to cook for her, potty train her, or even keep her overnight. Now, he’s buying her everything and turned himself into the fun guy. But yeah, after I found out about the girlfriend, I was upset. Not so much about him dating, just that I felt threatened that our daughter was developing an attachment to this person and I had no idea how she was presenting herself. I was worried she was trying to act like a mother figure. It was always upsetting given my ex was very territorial about other men in our daughter’s life so it felt like a double standard. I confronted him about it and he apologized along with apologizing for everything he had ever done and it sounded so sweet and sincere. He proceeded to tell me how he would never put another woman above me and that he loved me and that I was sexy. He also told me he was tempted to get back together with me. Like a fool, I was flattered and let him talk me into family days. LOL! Where he and our daughter and I spent the day together while his girlfriend was at work. He said it was innocent but somehow, it hasn’t felt that way. He told our daughter this would be a permanent thing. I hate to admit it but he has been so nice and I felt like I was seeing the old him again. He claims to have changed and let his bad habits go. He keeps trying to convince me. i stupidly asked if he wanted to try and make it work. He said he was sticking with his girlfriend and he didn’t want to hurt her. Which is funny to me because I’m sure all of his behavior would hurt her but whatever. Part of me feels like he opened this wound I had worked so hard over the last year to heal. I think he did it just so he could have the satisfaction of rejecting me because I didn’t take him back. Learning about emotional abuse has been eye-opening to say the least. I think I’m in the denial stages right now. Not that I don’t know that he abused me. But that I can’t believe that someone can be so cruel and calculating. I don’t want to believe that the good moments were just part of a facade. A manipulative ploy. I haven’t been able to think about being with anyone else but he gets to move on. He’s dated 5 or 6 girls since we split. Me, I’m lonely I must admit and there are days when I feel like I’ll never find love. He was the only guy to ever show me any real interest. It just doesn’t seem fair.

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    1. Bridget

      Manipulation and triangulation – my ex has also done this to me. He saw me with another guy after we’d split and sent me a text- Just say and I’ll come running. I did and then as i predicted was ignored- just turning the tables. They are so pathetic and childish. Keep away- I’m trying to – a day at a time- it’s hard but it is all a manipulative ploy- they enjpy the drama and the attention and the hurt they cause. Don’t play his game. We’ll find better people once we are away from these freak shows.

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      1. threeheadsstudios

        Thanks Bridget! I really appreciate the support. i think at the moment he is giving me the silent treatment. He came to pick up our daughter and I was nicely dressed and I think he assumed I was going on a date. I noticed a distinct change in his behavior toward me after that. Colder and more distant. I sent him a picture of his daughter from school, which he usually responds to and nothing. Also, no mention of family days. I think he thought his courting was working and that I had fallen head over heels again. I also think he thought I would just text and text and text to see why he wasn’t texting me but I refuse. I was that girl for a long time. Whenever he would do the silent treatment, I would fall on my sword and degrade myself just to win him back. I couldn’t stomach myself if I did it again. I’ve been working on recovery. There is a part of me that says it loves him but I’m challenging that part. How can you love someone that is so cruel? Someone that can treat you that way can’t honestly say that they love you either. I think once I see a healthy relationship, I think that part of me will understand the difference and will stop running toward pain just because it feels normal. It’s really about becoming self protective. That my feelings have to be more important than his. And if something is not serving me and if an interaction is making me feel worse and not better, then it has no place in my life. Boundaries. I never set them before. Not with any of the people that abused me (my mom, my dad, my aunt or my ex-husband). I have to start now. Otherwise, I’ll be a mess. I have been a mess all week. I was super attentive to my little girl and there for her and I’ve noticed myself slipping into this awful depression that isn’t fair to her. He is just playing with my emotions out of spite and with little regard to how I feel. That is not love. Love should not hurt. I wish you well in your recovery. Stay strong and stay encouraged. God is a good God and I’m certain he won’t let us stay broken forever.

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