Let Me Count the Ways He Showed Me His Love

Please bear with me as I do some self counseling. You see I have been missing my lately, well maybe I haven’t been missing my ex as much as; I guess, to be honest; I am jealous he seems so happy with his new conquest.

I tell myself that no one as manipulative, dishonest and violent as him could change that quickly just because he met the “perfect” woman. It just burns my butt that she is so smug about it, that she willingly plays the part for him so he can rub my nose in it. I know it is not very attractive of me to show this bitterness, but it is what I feel.

I am so resentful that I tried so hard to be self sufficient and independent yet supportive of him, tried to raise his son, help his sister, forgave time and time again and then he gives everything I wanted to someone he barely knows and leaves me destitute without a moment of compassion or guilt.

All the hell he put me through. Let me count the ways and remind myself of some of the hell: (listed in order that they come to mind not in order of severity or chronologically)

1. His addiction to porn
2. His addiction to personal ads
3. His pathological lying about EVERYTHING
4. Forever being fired for stealing or accused by friends of stealing
5. I never had charge cords for anything – I’d buy a new laptop or phone and the appropriate cords would come with it, within weeks I wouldn’t have a charge cord for it and would have to use “his” to charge my phone or laptop.
6. Taking videos of us having sex without me knowing – 3 times that I know of so must be a lot more
7. Letters to other women saying he loves them
8. Not coming home at night, not answering his phone and then being mad that I questioned him
9. Ambushed Kris and I the night that I ran out of the house in fear he would hit me.
10. Him always saying I owed him money but I hadn’t borrowed any, I would pay him what he said I owed just to get him off my case and then within a month he’d be saying I owed him more.
11. Strangled me because I didn’t know why I owed him money and was crying
12. Punching me and knocking me out
13. He’d spend hours locked in the bathroom even though he knew I needed to get in there
14. Loaded my camper and drove over all my stuff with a bobcat because he was angry with me
15. Threw all my stuff in the mud and hosed it down because I went to work when he wanted me to stay home and help him unload his trailer but he was also badgering me for money, in fact he had just punched me because I didn’t know how to please him. I couldn’t do both; make money and stay home to help him, besides Allan and I had already taken everything out of the trailer we could two weeks earlier and my ex had procrastinated doing the rest.
16. Before I even met my ex I had taken all my rings and had a ring made for Kris with his birthstone and mine with his initials formed into it; it was valued at $4000, 10 years ago and a dinner ring for myself that I later gave Kris valued at about the same. Both rings disappeared at the same time and we both thought my ex took them, but had no proof.
17.I had a vial of gold dust that Kris and I got in Knotts Berry Farm a few years earlier, at some point when my ex was angry with me he dumped the gold dust out and I found the vial out in the driveway.
18. Kris’s baby booty charm went missing but I found the container in my ex’s music room. He blamed Allan but Allan was gone when it went missing
19.Hiding the battery charger and switching my batteries on my truck
20. Unplugging the battery charger in the middle of the night
21. Not coming to bed unless he wanted sex
22. Never concerned with my pleasure sexually unless trying to win me back
23. If Denise wouldn’t have stepped in front of him he would have hit me for wanting to charge my cell phone.
24. Hit Allan for eating his donut
25. Got the repair order on my truck and didn’t tell me and my truck got pulled off the road and I got huge fines
26. Over worked my truck until the torque converter caught fire and then wouldn’t change the tranny fluid and when the tranny went on it refused to take any responsibility
27. Promised for over a month to do the work on my truck and didn’t
28. Said he was at the bank at 7:00 pm on a Saturday when he knew his sister was coming for supper and I needed to buy groceries and he was supposed to pick her up from the bus terminal at 3:30.
29. Had unprotected sex with a woman in Africa and came home to me
30. Was run out of Africa for stealing and????
31. Punched me for not staying home to help him unload his trailer
32. Lead me to believe he still loved me and was coming and getting money from me; all the while seeing two other women, one married and saying he loved them
33. Lied about seeing anyone so I would insure his car
34. Refused to take my name off the car even though he was living with another woman.
35. The whole time I was with him I never had a vehicle that ran right I was forever having to call him to rescue me.
36. Caught him under my truck one morning and that afternoon my brake line went
37. Caught him putting bad fuel in my truck after I told him not to put ANY fuel in my truck
38. He made Denise and I miss Chelsea’s wedding (Denise’s daughter)
39. He text messaged to Denise “You guys be careful out there” and ½ hour later my front tire blew on the freeway going 110km per hr. we waited 5 hours for him to get there and he was pointing out that it was all these pieces of metal in my tire that made it blow.
40. After we split up he started telling me about loose bolts on my truck that should be looked at
41. When I got a flat fixed the technician showed me the wear on my rim indicating it was about to fall off.
42. Altered my statement to the police and handed it in concerning the fight between Kris and him
43. Had me sign blank transfer and tax forms so he could sell my vehicle without me knowing
44. Lied about taking Allen to Monster trucks and actually took Tina dinner, flowers and a card for Valentine’s Day. Yet was angry I was suspicious of him sleep there overnight.
45. Left my stuff outside in the snow for a month and wouldn’t take me to go get it
46. Got us evicted from so many places I lost count
47. Every time I moved he would weasel his way in and refuse to leave
48. Stole cigarettes from his mother
49. Locked himself in the barn for 3 days and then left by removing boards from the wall and crawling through instead of through the door
50. Built a staircase over the fence
51. Had a video camera hidden and aimed at where I usually sat
52. Had an intercom wired from the trailer to the barn
53. Stole all the wire from the barn
54. Made me miss my flight to Calgary to see my son and demanded all my money or he wouldn’t let me go.
55. Bought me a plastic wedding ring
56. When I was sick he wouldn’t take care of me at all, not even take me to the doctor
57. He told me he had been given 6 months to live, but never seemed worried about it once we got back together
58. Came and apologized and promised fidelity while at the same time was living with another woman in Calgary, telling the woman in Africa he loved her and was trying to get her into Canada, and had hidden his profile on Plenty of Fish and was actively pursuing other women.

Well I guess 58 off the top of my head would be enough for me to stop being jealous he is with someone else. I should feel sorry for her, but I don’t.

This woman has to be 3 ways stupid to not be suspicious of him.

They were dating a few weeks when he got fired for stealing and they wouldn’t release his cheque until he brought the stuff back. He was totally broke and renting a mouse infested pig sty, which I know he blamed me for being so filthy. But if it was my fault it was so dirty how could we have been split 6 months? We hadn’t been split for 6 months, we had been split 2 months and I had cleaned the place before I left, he is just a real slob.

He was seeing a married woman in Mission and I caught him when the police called and told me where my car was. He immediately drove to M’s and his car “broke down” and he never left. He was driving her car, she went and cleaned and packed his stuff at the farm while he drove around in her new Pilot.

He finally got a job at a place he had worked years ago, apparently they were so happy to have him back, but he was fired within a month, I guess not that happy! He owes $30,000 and has nothing. I know he blames that on me also. She is widowed with a summer home and the house she lives in, she has moved him into her home after knowing him for less than 2 months. The car he was driving was in MY name and he couldn’t put it in his name because he was driving illegally because he owed ICBC so much money he couldn’t renew his driver’s license or register a vehicle. Is she THAT desperate? He must have given her some line of bullshit!!!

Could he have changed? Was he the way he was because of me, like he kept saying and I am sure he’s told her? Not likely, he screwed around on and hit his 1st girlfriend (who was much older and married, they were “together” 15 yrs) then he was with a girl much younger than him, (he was 30 and driving her to school) and he mistreated her and hit her also, then he left a woman and moved to BC and didn’t tell her it was over, the next woman was married, then he met me and we were together 10 yrs and he screwed around the whole time, then it was a married woman and now this one.

I read in a forum recently: the past is the greatest predictor of the future.
It is not likely that at 47 years old you are going to grow a conscience, morals or integrity and a woman can’t give them to you.

People can’t understand why I didn’t “just leave”. How could I love someone THAT much? I’m still working on figuring that out myself; I’ll share it with you as soon as I figure it out.

Have you been involved with a narcissist? Can you explain why you stayed?

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12 thoughts on “Let Me Count the Ways He Showed Me His Love

  1. I stayed because his lies were good at first, and by the time I realized he was lying I was so isolated and broken down emotionally that I was in a daze of hurt and confusion. I couldn’t believe that a person who professed to love me SO MUCH could then turn around and treat me like crap. Surely I was mistaken? He had me convinced that I was the problem.

    Then I got mad. Started a blog. Did hours of research about men with abusive personalities. I got out. I got strong. I don’t miss a thing about him. I hope he rots in hell. After 11.5 years of being together, there is not one shred of compassion left in me for him.

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  2. I definitely can identify with your pain and bitterness over what all JC put you through. Mercifully I got to dodge the bullet when it came to living with my ex. They really know how to hook us in, and play off our vulnerabilities. Our relationship only lasted for about 14 months, so I got lucky, and I never lived with mine. I know exactly what you are feeling. There are times, I get a little sad and depressed thinking about him. I was promised the great Fairy Tale, and it turned out to be all LIES!

    Here’s the thing – the longer we stay with these creeps, the weaker we grow as they drain us. We desperately hang on, wanting them to love us! We can’t believe it was all a nasty, vicious game on their parts to con us out of our money, sex, even our energy field and life-force. My ex sent his wife to an early grave, and nearly succeeded in doing the same to me. Only cancer and his meeting his current OW saved me from a lifetime of pain and torture at my ex’s hands.

    I think it is completely normal and natural to still think of them, and yearn for our lost “love” while we imagine his current victim is getting everything we were denied. But these guys never change except to grow worse, and I believe that it is quite possible they will never be happy with ANY of his victims. If anything, by the time he drops his mask, I can pretty much guarantee, that he will treat his newest victims even worse than he did us!

    The psychological is NEVER happy with whatever woman he is with. It’s an act, and he has to make it look good! Don’t believe any of his crap! I saw several months ago a faked photo op my ex with his OW and dogs. I knew it was all a bunch of phony, baloney shit set up to hurt and upset me! Not happening! Of course, I immediately blocked his ass. He’s someone else’s trash now!

    I’m so glad you out of that relationship now! From what you say, that bastard could have very easily KILLED YOU! They are at core, empty, dead souls. There’s no bargain there. You were lucky to get out alive. We were promised the fairy tale dream, and it was more like a nightmare. So it is with the women who follow us. (I think I got kind of smug being with my ex).

    They want to destroy and take us down. But first, they try to build us up with fake flattery. That game hasn’t changed. I know for a fact, my ex was looking for a woman money (like I believe JC did.) So now they’ve got the ATM cash dispensing machine sugar mamas. When you look at that way, is there any real reason we should be envious or jealous of our replacements? They”re being used and exploited like we were. When our exes are done with them, they’ll be kicked to the curb on the discard heap just like we were.

    While I believe it will take longer for you to recover and heal from your wounds, you will get there. I think it quite possible in time you could meet a normal, healthy man. I’ve seen your photo and you are so CUTE! A man would have to be crazy to pass you up! You just haven’t met the right guy yet! He’s out there and looking for you!

    So post D&D, over 30 months later, they are still together, and I am alone. I wonder what is keeping it together. He’s using her for money! I want a man able to love me for myself!, who is kind, gentle and loving. He’s out there somewhere!

    Yes, I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I still think of him too often for own my good, and I may even be letting an undercurrent of longing for the man I thought he was keep me from moving on. Lord knows I’m trying, but it sure isn’t easy! Big hugs Carrie. Hang in there girl!

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    • Linda, this was an old post from2 years ago, so I don’t hurt any more. Finding his blog has made me sad just because I wish he would just go away. All the lies and smear campaign, just proves he hasn’t changed. I almost wish he had changed because then I would know there would be no more victims. I worry about his new victim, I know they moved and the way he talked about her in his blog I know the honeymoon is over. I just hope she didn’t sell her house or get life insurance on herself. If I was her I wouldn’t be letting him do the cooking
      Thanks for stopping by
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      • Yes, I realize it was an old post and you are correct. I’m past worrying about my ex’s current victim. Out of my control anyway, and so I have just decided to let him go. Unfortunately, he still pops into my mind more than I like. Getting rid of all traces the addiction to these guys is such a pain! Hope you are doing great now! Best regards, Linda

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  3. Hi Carrie,
    I stayed with my ex for 28 years,because I did love him very much and I believed in him.
    Although I did,it felt like an addiction the last years of my marriage too.
    I always hoped he would change his behaviour,I honestly didn’t know this was narcissism,so
    I always kept quiet to others,but it only got worse,as we all know.

    Yes,I do feel the same as you did,about the OW,it still hurts at times(after 2 years!)
    He even took her kids to my ex mother-in-law ‘s house,she didn’t like that at all,but a narc
    doesn’t care,that’s what they do.(my daughter told me this day before yesterday as she
    went to hetrgranny’s house to say good-bye,she went back to Australia yesterday)

    He actually “forced” his whole family to except OW,but I know (my daughter said that) that
    she will never be part of the family,but that I still am and always will be!They miss me a lot,
    and they all really want to see me again.Just don’t know yet,it’s hard and very confronting.
    Will we ever get over this?

    I haven’t seen him for almost 2 years now,but I have to soon,as my daughter is getting married
    in 2 months time,in Australia.(Good thing is,OW is NOT invited,my daughter does not want
    to meet her,)
    My psychologist adviced me to call him instead,but I think it will be “better”to meet in person,
    before the wedding.My friends adviced that too.It will be a major trigger,I just know it.

    2 weeks ago when she and her fiancé arrived,my ex lend them one of his BMW’s(yes,it got
    the idea he has 2 BMW’s now),so they parked it in front of my window,I really freaked out,
    (trigger),and asked them kindly to park it behind the hedge,next to the road,so I didn’t
    have to look at it all the time,which they did(and understood).
    I never realised how intimidating the front of a BMW looks,it was like it was staring at me
    in a very aggresive way,yep,a real narc-car!!

    I’m trying hard to relax now,had too many triggers the past 13 days!My daughter actually admitted
    that her head is “in the sand”,and( I know) she wants to keep it there,she just doesn’t want to know,
    and she is alot like her father(I don’t like admitting that,but it’s the truth),I told her that too,and
    she is very well aware of it.Her fiancé is a lot like me,highly sensitive,very nice man,so I really
    hope they will be happy,only time will tell!

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    • lewisham, My ex was leading me on after we split saying things like, “I don’t know why you get so upset, we always get back together.” I was a real mess. Anyway 3 months after we split I caught him at a married woman’s house and the next day he had moved in with his current victim. About two weeks after that he went to the funeral of his step dad’s brother. It wasn’t his uncle, this man is his step dad and he was adopted so not even raised by his mom and step dad. The family told him not to come, there was family coming from back east and there wasn’t room for everyone. But he forced himself on the family and took M with him. I thought it was totally tacky yet typical. I was so touched because he told me as soon as they walked in his mom showed them both something I had painted for her as a gift and she had it displayed on the coffee table. I have never expected his family to take my side in things and haven’t discussed it with them, I never call but they call me every month or two to see how I am. They know the truth.
      I know what you mean about the look of a vehicle. My ex drives her car and I am quite happy about that because I never knew what he would be driving, any other time we split I could pick out his truck a mile off and knew the sound of his truck from blocks away. His one truck would make me sick to the stomach every time I saw it.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. I have a similar list in the notes app on my phone. I go back and read it when ever my ex husband starts trying to be nice to me again. I find it helps a lot remind yourself of the reality when your ex is trying to worm his way back into your life. It’s like a wake up call when you start doubting yourself.

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  5. Well the testimonies I have seen here are very motivating, my ex narc has already shown himself to be growing more abusive and violent by the minute … He says with a smug grin that he had his new girlfriend in her bathroom almost killed her ny hold her over the toilet and almost broke her back. Also had another grin where he said he came home drunk and was choking her because he didnt want to answer questions about where he was the entire weekend. He doesn’t even go home to her , I have seen it for myself and he doesn’t bring her around the family. The worst part is the violence is there apartment sounds like two enemies instead if a living relationship , deep scratches on his neck that he showed me , not to mention a black eye that he refused to cover with shades , deep scratches on his stomach I felt nauseous looking at them. I asked him if he was with a wolverine or a man and he laughed , I said I would never want you back because you have gotten worse than u could ever handle. Even though my
    Fantasy, fairytale and craving for my marriage and family to be fixed I know that will never haoptm with him. He has no soul and she doesn’t realize is the only way to get a narc out of your house is with the police , otherwise he will outlive you in your own apartment, said from experience. At times I miss the beginning charming stage of our relationship , but it was all lies and manipulation. Thanks for this blog I feel healing and I pray for you ladies so we can all feel healing together 🙂

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  6. Carrie,
    I love the list…can it get any longer??? I also have a list that I want to put on the refrigerator so everytime I think I am missing him it will be a reminder. One of the biggest on the list though is when he woke up on the couch in a rage and went after my little dog because she barked! DUH, dogs bark asshole!. She was already sick with diabetes and other things and he slapped her to hurt me!! What a fucking coward, hurting a little dog that loved him so much. This was after I make a great dinner and cleaned up myself…of course. He would never appologize for hitting her either, I brought it up a couple times afterwards. You know, I felt like I was stuck with this asshole because I was married to him. I guess I should send his “PSYCHO STALKER NEXT EX-WIFE” a thank you card. lol

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