Who Does A Narcissist Target?

The popular opinion that narcissists target weak, desperate women/men is false.

Narcissists are looking to feed their ego, consequently they search for attractive women/men that would be considered by others to be a real “prize”, or “trophy”. He has no respect for weakness and no interest in someone just “anyone” could get. Someone desperate might provide temporary NS until someone worthy of his attention comes along, but they will be tossed aside quickly as soon as he does.

The narcissist must believe other people are envious of his ability to get a “quality” partner. Consequently, this is why they come on so strong in the beginning; they provide their target with romance like nothing they have ever experienced before and why so many victims say he seemed “too good to be true”.

Once the narcissist picks his target he will stop at nothing and do anything to make her his. The bigger the challenge, the harder he works and bigger narcissistic supply when he succeeds.

The ultimate ego boost is to make a totally independent, self sufficient, strong woman dependent solely on him. Once he has her he immediately starts to subtly whittle away at her confidence. If she dumps him it only challenges him to try harder; every time he can convince her to take him back or accept one of his lies is another shot of NS.

There is no way of predicting who a narcissist will target,  men in my
life had criticized me for being too independent. When I met JC, he seemed so sincere and I remember thinking he loved me more than I loved him, I trusted him explicitly and I made a conscious decision to finally let a man into my life and allow myself to be vulnerable. You hear about whirlwind romances, people who find the love of their life and just “know” he’s the one. I thought I had found “the one”.By the time I realized he had made me totally dependent on him by sabotaging my vehicle, isolating me from family and friends and subtle manipulation I was in too deep.

I remember the first time that I realized I was in over my head; he was rejecting me for some perceived wrong I had done and I was feeling like I had as a child with my father. I told him he reminded me of my father and he had said, “you think your dad was bad? You haven’t seen anything yet, I can be 10 times worse than your father”. The look on his face and chill that went down my spine told me he was right and I knew I was in trouble. It took 8 more years before he was through with me.

To be honest, and I am ashamed to admit; I don’t think I could have left him if he hadn’t found another target.

My son and I were talking about it just yesterday. What made it so hard for my son to understand was that his whole life he had grown up watching me be strong and not take any shit from any man and all of a sudden I was putting up with worse treatment than anything any one had ever seen. No one could believe I wasn’t kicking him to the curb.

But it takes special training to tolerate that kind of abuse and I had a lot of training as a child in stifling my emotions and walking on eggshells. And JC was right; he was way worse than my dad.

44 thoughts on “Who Does A Narcissist Target?

  1. dying slow EPA......

    Dying slow……..I have a narcassistic husband…..we have been together 13years now….married 4yrs…I think I did the ultimate No…No…..things have gotten so bad I feel I’m walking on eggshells every breath I take…literally. .. .


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      dying slow, you are walking on egg shells every step you take. I don’t know what the ultimate No no is but please be careful. Download my Safety plan that is offered free at the top of the blog and know that they can be very dangerous. It is for whether you are with the N, planning on leaving or have left.
      Come back and let us know how you are doing.
      You can get away and there is life after a narcissist, it is never too late.


      1. Diane Maltese

        Hi Carrie. I, too was with a narcissist for only 7 months. I broke it off with him and I’ll be damn if he hasn’t already found someone else he met on FB. It’s been only three months since I broke up with him and he’s already engaged to that woman. Of course it’s ALL my fault. I was the evil one, I am a whore, I didn’t appreciate anything he did, WTH? It was HIM that didn’t appreciate anything I did for him. I don’t know why I can’t get over him, I am disgusted with myself for not moving on even though he caused me to leave him. I never felt loved, wanted, valued, understood, or attractive to him. When we made love (or was it just sex), he wouldn’t touch or caress me the way a good lover should. Hell, he wouldn’t even kiss me! Needless to say, I felt rejected, ugly, and undesirable. But……………….he did have charm, and we did have other things in common. I am feeling very suicidal these days knowing he has moved on with a new love, and here I am lonely with no one. I feel like a loser and unloved. My life isn’t getting any better, no matter how hard I try to fix it. I’m not crazy, so please don’t tell me to get help. I know what my problem is… I attract losers like selfish narcissists and I don’t know how to stop it. I am not a young person, but someone in their late 50’s. This has been a life long struggle for me in finding that one true love. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I hate him more now for all the pain he has caused me, but I can’t stop thinking about him and all the nasty mean things he said to and about me. I can’t believe there are people out in the world like him who love to hurt innocent people like myself. I was looking for Real love, instead I got Toxic love that has left me bitter, angry, and ready to give my life up.


        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Diane please do not think the only way out is to kill yourself. There is life after a narcissist and there are good men out there and there is such a thing as a loving healthy relationship. I am not going to tell you that you are crazy, far from it. But I am going to tell you to please read some of my posts on Self Discovery, and self improvement. I am not blaming you for getting sucked in by an N but I can tell from your comment you feel having a man gives you value, you rely on men to make you feel worthy and valued. Until you can derive your self worth from within you will be doomed to repeat history. You are looking for a man who will fix it for you but the answers are right there inside you.
          It is far too much to get into in this comment and I have written so many posts on it. I will put a couple of links below but please do a search and read more on brainwashing, empaths, etc Believe me you are worth the effort! and life is amazing when you realize you have always been enough and deserve respect and to be treated right.
          There are a few to start you off.
          Come back as often as you need for moral support


        2. Laurie

          Diane. you are not alone. I am 54 and the only 3 men I felt I loved in my life all turned out to be somatic narcissists. sadly I was married for 30 years. talk about losing so much time. after the last one I encountered I started to read everything I could find on the subject. it has made me feel a huge weight has been lifted from me. I know now I am more worthy than I ever gave myself credit for. I am scared to let someone close but I have a huge arsenal of knowledge now. and I do not mind my alone time. I know now that I have researched and learned that I will find the right one some day. I believe God will bring that person to me and it will be great. it will happen for you but you need to educate yourself. Google everything you can on the subject. i hope it will give you the peace it gave me.


        3. Sally

          I am in the same situation. We were together for 5 years. Were supposed to get married!! We broke up a month ago and I do not know what to do with myself. I cannot sleep, I cry and I have occasional panic attacks. I finally came to realize that he was a narcissist after so much searching on the internet for ways to win him back and what I did wrong.
          In the beginning he was so great. He treated me like a queen. I felt bad a little cause I kept getting these gut feelings that he was not right for me. I just ignored it and played it off as just me not being used to getting all this attention. He never gave up even when I told him that I did not want a relationship. Eventually I was sucked in and then everything changed. My feelings did not matter anymore. It became all about him. I bent over backwards to make him happy. I was not liking the person I was becoming but I could not get away from him. We broke up several times during those 5 years and every time I felt like I could not breath because he was not there. I needed him!! However, when we would get back together things would be great for a week or two and then it all went downhill from there. There were multiple times he cheated, lied and became emotionally and verbally abusive to him. It got to the point where I was apologizing to him for all those things because he had succeeded at making me believe I was crazy. I went on to do many things to please him…..including sexually. It was not a great time for me. I lost all my friends because he did not like them. I truly hated the person I had become.
          We broke up for 6 months and never heard from him during that time and one day he sends me a text wanting to know if he could come over. I was still in shambles from the breakup and I felt like my prayers were answered. I told myself that I was not going to lose him this time. It only lasted 6 months and here I am devastated and lost….again. I know now that he is a terrible person but the emotional damage he has done to me is going to take a long time to fix. Yes, I still hope that he contacts me and wants to get back together. I replay the last things he said to me as he walked out of my life; “we will always be friends”, “we always get back together”.
          There has been no contact since then and I found out he is sleeping with a married woman. It was like a punch to the stomach because I thought that I was getting over him and then I find this out. It is extremely difficult to let him go but I know that it is something I must work at everyday. I am at the point were I do hate him because I never meant anything to him. After 5 years and an engagement and he is already with someone…….a married someone!!! I can’t even imagine trying to get into a relationship with someone new.
          Reading up on narcissist has helped me a little bit because I am starting to see that I was not crazy. I should have followed my gut instincts from day one. The damage is done and I am left to get myself back together alone.


        4. Rachel

          I have stumbled over this thread after leaving a relationship that was completely textbook!
          He was so charming, so perfect, we had so much fun….. I broke it off 1 1/2 year in and within a month he wanted to just check in…. I went back…. And another 1 1/2 years was hell for me….. He said I controlled him lol
          It was all my fault, I was crazy, he freaked out if I asked him about his plans or suggested he was maybe being unfaithful…….. I challenged him all the way out the door….. It wasn’t until I was gone that I realized his narsasistic ways!
          Honestly I still wonder…. But I know that he won’t change…. He may return but I have a understanding now…..
          Being mentally abused is far worse than missing a person who really didn’t love me….. Because someone of this Breed cannot have true love…. They are incapable!
          My point here is to say that I also have had issues with attracting the wrong men……
          I have found that I don’t love myself so how can I attract someone to love me…. I can’t!
          So this is where I am studying, where I am putting my energy so that I can find the real deal!
          Ps…… There is nothing wrong with you…. I hope you have come to terms with that by now!
          Good luck!


      2. nellyepa

        The ultimate No…No was I married him…after being together so many years…..all along my gut was saying run for the mountains…..I thought it would get better…..


  2. girlraisedbynarcissist

    Just goes to show that you should not ignore your instincts. If you are thinking this guy couldn’t possibly be this into me, then he probably isn’t. If you are thinking this guy is blaming me for something that is not my fault, then it probably isn’t. Trust yourself. Trust in your innate ability to tell right from wrong. Stop being addicted to the rush you feel when you avoid abandonment. It’s not love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Christine

    I’ve been involved with a N for 4 1/2 years on and off. It’s been hell.. I think I knew he was an N early on but chose to ignore it thinking If I was persistent things could work out. He is verbally abusive but in a passive aggressive way so he never actually says terrible things, just implies them. Then when Icall him on them, he falls back on ” I never said that”. It makes me feel crazy. He has been unfaithful and when Ivefound out he says I should be more open. The times I try and leave and be strong he pursues me until Im back as supply for him.. Then he is cold and distant. I am a successful, educated, intelligent woman in my 40’s and I would never let anyone else in my life treat me this way. I am doing my best now to work on rebuilding my self esteem, recognizing my value, and understanding he is sick and incurable and has not ever and is not capable of loving me or a mature relationship. This has been a roller coaster of agony and I hope there is something better for me moving forward.


  4. mya

    Er, you walk on “eggs”; not “eggshells.” Walking on a room-full of eggs means you are unsteady on your feet, while walking on eggshells just makes a crunching sound.


  5. Swayze

    Thank you for this. Everything stated above is exactly what I went through with a guy I dated for only 4 months. He started off as a charmer (And when I think back, I do realize that he came on too strong), and then boom, things changed. During that fourth month, he told me out of no where that he’d be moving across the country, and never understood why I felt sad, and continually told me I was nagging him before he moved when I was only expressing how hurt I was that he had decided out of no where to move. (Also, Why let me get attached when you knew you were planning to move? ). He never understood my perspective, I was always made out to be the problem no matter what the situation was. It got to the point that I started questioning my actions, and wondering if I was really doing something wrong? But even working on things that he claimed caused the problem, never helped. Thankfully, he’s been gone for two years now, but he’s still causing damage in my life. He’s disappears for a while, and always comes back ( VIA Text or when he comes home to visit his family), and unfortunately, I always let him back in. It’s the same cycle. I’ve always recognized it, but I always give back in (sigh). He’ll charm me to get back in my life whenever it’s convenient for him, but then he’ll disappear again. I honestly feel in my heart that he’s FINALLY done with me, and may have moved on to his next victim, and I’ll be praying for her. I honestly wonder if he’ll be nicer to his next victim than he was with me, but deep down, he is mentally ill, so I’m sure the narcissism will eventually come out. I’m looking forward to the road to recovery after being hurt continuously by this guy. It’s a shame that people do this to some of the nicest people. No one deserves to ever deal with a narcissist. I’m sorry I didn’t take the red flags more seriously.


  6. Ella

    Swayze – I call this coming and going “being put in the freezer.” Like when you have too much food and you freeze some for a later date. My ex – over the years he has done this, usually as a “friend” but last time as a lover (that hurt so badly). What he does it, he’ll take me out of his icebox, wait till I’ve thawed, flatter me a bit, soak up all the attention – then, when he’s bored or fancies someone else, puts me back on ice again. His general method involves blocking me on Facebook and just vanishing. He shoved me back in the freezer and now he’s with this woman he was playing me off against. I suspect he might try and come back some day. The libido thing is new with him. He used to just be the worst sort of toxic friend. And I was in love with him for years, and believed he never knew, But of course he did.


    1. Diana

      I was completely overwhelmed by a narcissist as an undergrad: he stalked me (I thought it was flattering that he found out my class schedule, and combed the library to find out where I studied), gave me gifts constantly (he even started baking me bread every. single. day. — and leaving it outside my dorm room), took me to expensive restaurants, etc. This went on for six months, and then he suddenly disappeared. Why? He was *really* interested in a girl in one of his Statistics classes, and had been waiting for her to become available. I had been found, like you, in the freezer section: thawed, chomped on, and then tossed when something tastier came along.

      I mean he dropped me just like *that.* No explanation, nothing. He just disappeared. It was only when I saw him on campus, and asked him what had happened, that he gleefully told me the whole story. Talk about your soul hitting the basement floor.

      I wonder how long his “dream girl” remained Bright and Shiny before he tossed her for someone Shinier.


  7. Sharon

    Mine recently came to Texas from Iowa to win me back. He did not look very hard for a job for two months while I worked, causing us to go back to Iowa. Now I am an Operations Manager and make more money than him. I recently learned that he is a narcissist. We have been married for 13 years. I now wait to see what he will do next. Part of me wants him to move on.


  8. Wintess2


    Fire chief at Cal Fire continues to stalk abuse and harass women whom he CLAIMS to “love,” but his abusive narcissistic controls were so unbearable, I told him to leave me alone!

    BUT THE SYSTEM HAS NO IDEA and is completely inept in DEALING WITH ABUSIVE MEN IN POWER!!! These men NEED TO BE IN PRISON, not running around ruining others’ lives, including their own kids lives … his kids even admitted “our parents are crazy.” His daughter called him a philanderer, and he in turn, accused his daughter of being a “master manipulator,” for TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT HER FATHER!!!

    SHAME ON THE STATES AND UNIONS THAT HIDE THESE ABUSERS … and SHAME ON THE PROSTITUTE SLUTS who make them THINK that treating women with such disrespect is “Acceptable.” Those sluts who abet these men should be ashamed … it’s one thing to stay with a man, UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT GARBAGE HE IS, and SLEAZY WOMEN ABET THEM!!!!


  9. Rhia

    Had a N for a friend, he spent every moment he could with me and we became more than friends. He began to go off drinking, spending most weekends out, coming back when he had run out of money. He hung around with the most vile of people, drug addicts, ex prostitutes, alcoholics and his past girlfriends were nothing special, his one night stands were even worse, its like he would sleep with the people even the most desperate would not touch. The uglier the better.
    I am considered nice looking, have my own money, car, home and income. He did not have anything but the clothes on his back. He knew i did not sleep around (as he was a friend for years)but once I got with him I became this raging slut that sleeps with anyone and everyone (lies of course) i then became a crack head (with jewelry, beautiful home and FOOD IN THE FRIDGE LOL..I made him look stupid with each accusation he threw at me as an excuse to go out. I ended up telling him “just go out if you want, I really dont care, I get some peace and quiet” and that really pissed him off. In reality I would go and see my friends, have a great evening and tell him nothing as he was too full of himself to ask what I had been doing whilst he was away. When he came back unexpected and found me gone he smashed my beautiful home up, mirrors, beds, wardrobes doors,windows then stabbed out my car tyres. Yes I was angry but i fixed it all up and did not take a penny from him or ask for his help. I did ask a local good looking guy to come and help me, he was fuming at this and disapeared again, this time for a week which was unusual. In that week I made sure I was out and about, looking good and enjoying myself. Little did i know i would pay for all of this “not doing as I am told and not relying on him” stuff. i found out that he slept with someone very close to me, she has HIV. It was over with my friend and with him. He pleaded and begged, made a nuicence of himself, when he knew without doubt that was it he really stepped up the game, he got on his knees, took a knife and cut his little finger off (at the knuckle) on his left hand. I cannot tell you what this did to me, I lost weight, began smoking weed, drinking and withdrew into my shell. He had me where he wanted me. He would not work, ate and smoked everything, took money and went drinking with scum until finally I just could not do it anymore, my mother took over my finances you should have seen his face when that happened and he left and stayed gone.
    The hard work started getting better and the stories above of all the thoughts and feelings are exactly what I experienced.
    I am over it all now, it was 10 years ago. The best thing is, he told everyone in his pathetic circle that i cut his finger off, they beleived him. More and more people got to hear about this and my side was put across, people believed me as he told different stories about what happend to his finger where I told the truth. Now he is a laughing stock with the more wise members of the community, the scumbag community still welcome him with open arms which means he is back to sleeping with dogs and coming up with fleas.
    So thats my story, for all of you effected by a narcissist PLEASE know, it will take time but i PROMISE you will get over it.
    I have a wonderful man who loves me and allows me to breath, we have the most amazing sex life and he never ceases to make me laugh. i will marry him one day and i WILL be happy. I know, without doubt my N will never, ever experience this kind of happiness as he simply cannot. Remember, they are false, everything you fall in love with is fake, nothing is real. Dont be their victim anymore, they dont care about you so dont recipricate.


  10. And The Truth Is

    The very funny thing these days is that there are so many women Narcissists now more than ever since they really believe that they’re all that which their Not at all. What kind of a planet are they on?


  11. ALISON



  12. Holly O

    All the stories are the same basically with a variation here or there. If a friend of mine would have told me she put up with the things I did at the hands of my narcissist, I would have thought she was a lunatic. They are just that good at what they do. Thankfully, my involvement with him only lasted 10 months. I’ve read a lot of information on people with this disorder & although I was hurt & angry at him, I realize he is a sick individual who can never overcome his affliction. He did not break me, no man ever will & I am stronger & smarter than before I met him. That’s how I won against my narcissist. We all can if we set our minds to it.



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