I wish I’d taken my own advice but I didn’t so I am passing along what I learned. Communicating with your ex N (in any form, even if it’s just listening to a mutual friend tell you about them, checking them on Facebook; whatever) will only bring you pain.
Knowing what they are doing only causes pain; you don’t want to know if they are happy believe me!! They have ruined so many of your days, weeks, months and for many women years!! Don’t waste another minute on them.
You know they are liars, that it is impossible to get the truth out of them so you know whatever you see or hear about them is 90% bullshit and “show”. For one thing they want you to believe their unhappiness and all the abuse from them was your fault and now that they have met “her” they are happy, successful and so in love with “her”.
For some self-masochist reason I keep Googling his name, looking at his Facebook and torturing myself. I would be too ashamed to admit it if not for the fact that I know I am not the only woman (or man)out there doing it.
The best way to get them to stop playing the role and be themselves is to disappear, as long as they think you are watching they will continue to be the man you always wanted, with someone else. It’s their way of punishing you for loving them.
And even IF they did have a HUGE epiphany and a fairy gave them a personality transplant in the middle of the night; things would never be good between the two of you. He has abused you beyond any healthy relationship.
But barring miracles, he hasn’t changed. No one can change that much without major intense therapy, and no one is powerful enough to make someone act as abusive as he was with you.
I made the mistake of looking at his Facebook, he always has his privacy settings so that nothing shows in his Wall but today he had a comment about finishing building a motorcycle, how he had the best birthday- ever! And he was leaving the country to work for 19 days with a (sigh) after it.
It hurt! A lot! I was about to take my son to a bus headed for Calgary, I shouldn’t have tortured myself by looking at JC’s FB. There is nothing on there that’s going to make me feel good. I know he posted it for me to see, another slap.
I self counsel all the time:
If I was so horrible that I drove him to hit me and sabotage my business why didn’t he just leave? Instead of destroying me.
I was doing ok on my own, even starting to date when he called and said he had 6 months to live and admitted everything he had done wrong and asked me to marry him etc. I know now he was lying the whole time, why would he do that? Because I hadn’t begged him back and he was alone and things weren’t working out for him so he had to get ns and winning me back was excellent ns. Using my love for him to destroy me was the ultimate ego boost, then he can say him leaving me destroyed me, I am nothing without him. The fact that he was able to suck me in again made him loose all respect for me.
But none of that has anything to do with how he treated others. I didn’t drive him to hit his son for eating his donut. I didn’t make him steal from work, or join a gay porn dating site, his sister didn’t deserve to miss her daughters wedding. I didn’t deserve to die for whatever I did and he was playing with my life by sabotaging my truck tires, brake line etc.
I don’t want him back, I just don’t want him to be happy and I don’t want him to have been so evil and mean. I have had breakups even thought I’d die from the pain of it. But I’ve never thought I’d never love again. I never looked to the future with fear. I think it’s because for the last 10 yrs nothing was ever certain. I never knew if the truck would break down (every vehicle I had in 10 yrs never ran right).
We were always on the brink of homelessness even when he was working; and we were always breaking up or making up.
To be totally honest; I miss those times when he held me and promised things would change. They never did but I miss having the hope they would. I know that now “she” is being treated as poorly as I was, I don’t doubt that, I miss how good it felt when he said he was sorry. I miss the “honeymoon” periods.
And there is this small voice inside my head saying, “No one will ever love you, once a man gets to know you he’d discover what JC did and hate you too”.