The other day I was on a job and there was a bunch of guys there drinking; going on about my “great ass”. Years ago I would have laughed, said something witty and sarcastic and not wondered if they are being cruel and making fun of me.
I was what my teenage son’s friends called a “milf” (mother I’d like to fuck”. When a man (drunk or not) complimented me I knew he meant it. I have always kept myself in good shape; by going to the gym, wearing clothes that suited my figure and generally taking care of myself.
I was far from perfect; I’ve always been flat chested, and in my early 40’s I developed acne (from stress) so I was left with some scars on my face, but when I met James at 42 I had no doubt I could attract a man; I had no trouble getting dates. One of the things men always told me was that I had a beautiful smile.
Ten years with James destroyed every ounce of self esteem I had. Fifteen years without a dental plan destroyed my smile. I can’t smile and laugh any more.
I would love nothing more than to be looking good and doing good. Not that I need a man to feel good about myself or to feel complete but it would feel good to know that James knows I could have a man in my life if I wanted one. But I have to watch him with his new woman and know I’ll probably be alone the rest of my life.
Now that I’ve had my heart attack I’ve lost my ability to even fix my teeth or better my life. I sit here all day alone, in a house I am “allowed” to reside in “for awhile” because I can’t afford to live any where else and would be homeless otherwise.
It’s getting to be winter, it’s raining, I can hear it outside and I don’t know if I can make it through another winter alone, broke, missing teeth, hating to even look in a mirror. Afraid to smile, knowing that every time I do I reveal the gaping holes where there should be teeth.
My heart attack has been attributed to stress, and abscessed teeth. It’s a cruel joke, that I should survive 10 yrs with a narcissist that spent the whole 10 yrs breaking down my self confidence and then have my own body complete the process.