I Used To Be Pretty

The other day I was on a job and there was a bunch of guys there drinking; going on about my “great ass”. Years ago I would have laughed, said something witty and sarcastic and not wondered if they are being cruel and making fun of me.

I was what my teenage son’s friends called a “milf” (mother I’d like to fuck”. When a man (drunk or not) complimented me I knew he meant it. I have always kept myself in good shape; by going to the gym, wearing clothes that suited my figure and generally taking care of myself.

I was far from perfect; I’ve always been flat chested, and in my early 40’s I developed acne (from stress) so I was left with some scars on my face, but when I met James at 42 I had no doubt I could attract a man; I had no trouble getting dates. One of the things men always told me was that I had a beautiful smile.

Ten years with James destroyed every ounce of self esteem I had. Fifteen years without a dental plan destroyed my smile. I can’t smile and laugh any more.

I would love nothing more than to be looking good and doing good. Not that I need a man to feel good about myself or to feel complete but it would feel good to know that James knows I could have a man in my life if I wanted one. But I have to watch him with his new woman and know I’ll probably be alone the rest of my life.

Now that I’ve had my heart attack I’ve lost my ability to even fix my teeth or better my life. I sit here all day alone, in a house I am “allowed” to reside in “for awhile” because I can’t afford to live any where else and would be homeless otherwise.

It’s getting to be winter, it’s raining, I can hear it outside and I don’t know if I can make it through another winter alone, broke, missing teeth, hating to even look in a mirror. Afraid to smile, knowing that every time I do I reveal the gaping holes where there should be teeth.

My heart attack has been attributed to stress, and abscessed teeth. It’s a cruel joke, that I should survive 10 yrs with a narcissist that spent the whole 10 yrs breaking down my self confidence and then have my own body complete the process.

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26 thoughts on “I Used To Be Pretty

  1. mysterycoach

    Hello Honey ๐Ÿ™‚ I understand how you feel about your teeth, mine require quite a bit of work as well. I find myself self conscious too, I don’t smile as often and I love to laugh and I do but I tend to cover my mouth. They’re not sooo bad yet it makes me uncomfortable. No one says anything, I’m not treated any differently, not at all… it’s how I think about it. It’s about how I believe others may view me. Yet at the same time ๐Ÿ™‚ No one has ever treated me any differently.

    You know … you probably do have a great ass, perhaps you forgot a bit about yourself over the years but … he can’t take with him, what you don’t let him take with him. You wanna see my butt? I gotsa nice butt too! ๐Ÿ™‚

    He is not the judge of who you are TODAY … he’s is not the sum of you as a whole, he does not get to dictate to YOU who you are and you have SO MUCH to give and offer people… I read your blog, you’re very smart, very driven. I don’t comment as much as i would like to, I run out of time ya know?

    May I ask what’s up with the house and stuff? Maaaybe we could come up with some options you may not have thought about? Hmmmm?

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Mysterycoach, always so encouraging and wise!!
      It’s hard to remain down when there are so many good people in the world giving you positive feedback. Thank you!
      As far as the house goes, its a bit of a long story but the fellow that owns the house heard about my heart attack and called yesterday to say I can stay as long as I need to. He works out of town and likes to know someone is in the house taking care of it while he’s away. I have done a lot of fixing up while I’ve been here and he appreciates my efforts. I had the opportunity to get a mobile home for free, it has been gutted and is just the shell. I was going to remain here while I fixed it up because it really isn’t livable; but with free stuff off Craig’s List and a little hard work I figured it would only be a couple of months before I was in there.

      With the heart attack and not being able to lift heavy things etc I walked away from it. There must be something better coming my way and it would have been a huge project and probably too much to do alone.

      Haha I have always been someone that jumps in with both feet; sometimes it works out and sometimes I get myself hip deep in a pile of doggie doo. I think maybe this would have been a doggie doo situation.

      A little over a year ago my puppy and I were living and working out of my truck so things are better than they were! I have to remember that!

      but if you have any ideas, ever, I’m always open to suggestions!

      Thanks again MC!
      Sent from my BlackBerryยฎ powered by Virgin Mobile.

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      1. mysterycoach

        Thank you, and you’re welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚ I do my best.

        You’re open to ideas which means you’re quite open to this new life you’re going to have. How cool are you? heh …

        How have you been feeling? When did you have the heart attack? How wonderful of this guy to say you could stay in the house as long as you needed.

        The mobile home, you could not have predicted having a heart attack and having to be more careful. Do you know any people who would give you a hand with the heavy stuff? I have a friend John. He lives in a mobile home on his daughter’s property. He got cancer after being his mom’s caretaker for a number of years (she passed prior to his diagnosis) and he built a cool porch on it LOL … it’s such a cool place. He calls it uhm.. Dragon something. It’s a cool little house, just enough for him too.

        Do you know anyone who would be able to give you a hand? It’s gutted huh… Hmmm… so what you have to put walls up and dividers and the like?

        I don’t have ideas yet, I’m thiking ๐Ÿ™‚

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      2. mysterycoach

        Gasp? Where’s the comment I made? ugh… damn. I’m hoping my other comment will appear because it was here a minute ago!

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  2. mysterycoach

    You, honey, had the courage to leave. I’m so proud of you for that. He never took YOU with him.

    Now. Repeat after me ๐Ÿ™‚ I am a strong person and HE CAN”T have the REST OF MY LIFE because of the mean things that HE DID …

    How about a little bit of … ya know, “fuck you” you can’t keep me there… I’m not that girl! I’m ME! It’s true you know that we are what we think. You may not see yourself in the same light, but he’s going to be out there living his life … while you … ya know, give away all this bright light you put out ?

    That’s not happening … right? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hmmmmm?

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      You’re right again MC! I forget my own words of wisdom sometimes.

      One time my son was ready to kill James for what he had done to me and was saying james ruined my life and I had said to him, “he can only ruin my life if I allow him to. He ruined a few years but it is up to me what happens after that”. It’s the truth and I believe it deep down.

      I hate it when I have a pity party, but I usually shake it off and say “fuck you”. (You know some times those two words just say it all! And no other words will do, like piss off or take a hike just don’t have the same oomph!)

      Thanks MC you made me smile! As usual!

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      1. mysterycoach

        We all forget our own words of wisdom on a bad day. Life gets us down sometimes. It happens to all of us. Me too.

        Right. It is up to you after that, healing does take time, I’m familiar with it. I had a situation recently which triggered an old event and I thought that was over with for my mind’s sake but the trigger was apparently still alive and well. LOL ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s okay to have a pity party, you just needed some support and to know people care. That’s important you know.

        Also, I don’t know if you look at other blogs but go around, start making comments on other blogs and create a nice group here and all over for yourself. There are a lot of nice people around here … more all the time and you can pick and chose too, like I mean… you go to one person’s blog you see something someone else wrote that you can identify with and you go see them… comment and see what goes on. Give this process time though because I have so many I can’t see them all, I wish I had that kind of time but I have to work so I can’t.

        I’m glad I could make you smile… that was the goal you know. Howz that ass of yours woman!

        Yaaaah “fuck you” has a punch to it. It’s like in this case, “fuck you” you can’t do that. Then there’s, “fuck you” I’m a loser and don’t know what to say in an argument of any intelligence. That one is pretty funny. LOL ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. mysterycoach

    You know what else? I need you to not focus on what James is doing. I would like you to focus on yourself. Every day, all the time, YOU YOU YOU >>> not james and what you think he has that you don’t.

    I know cat calls aren’t attention, but look at the ass on you woman! Spin around there a little bit … yah, see? beautiful ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. Separated Dad

    It sounds like you’re having a really bad time. All kinds of problems.

    Sometimes narrowing down the list of problems frees from paralysis. Pick a single problem that’s bothering you and work it out. Perhaps “stop smoking” is one to start with. Go with it. You’ll feel better not long after you stop feeling the urge for another cig and you’ll have more $$$ in your pocket. Move on to something else. You’re not on a specific timetable, so just follow a gentle path from one thing to another.

    And look for happiness wherever you can find it. Help at the church. Take your son up on his offer of help. Walk the neighborhood and enjoy the Fall. Whatever works for you…

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Thanks SD good advice! You are right, sometimes looking at the whole picture is just too overwhelming and a person has to take things one at a time. Often times making one positive move on one issue causes a chain reaction that affects other areas.

      Sitting there feeling defeated never solved anything.

      I have drastically cut down on the cigs and today I go to get a bunch of teeth pulled. I would rather have an angiogram than a tooth pulled! (I am deathly afraid of the dentist!!) But I know it has to be done; for my health and before anything can be done to improve my smile.

      Two hours from now I won’t be smoking that’s for sure!

      Thanks for dropping in and for your caring words! It meant a lot!

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      1. mysterycoach

        I understand your fear of dentists, you may have gone already but I’m clostrophobic so I close my eyes and remember to breath. I tell my dentist what I need so we’re all good. He’ll give me a bit of breathing room when I ask and he never rushes me.

        Yes, teeth can cause a slew of problems and infections. That’s very true. By now I think your appointment is over… ooooh ๐Ÿ˜ฆ hope it went well.

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        1. ladywithatruck Post author

          Yes I have been and come home 5 teeth missing! My mom drove me and I actually had her hold my hand and yes I closed my eyes and the assistant kept reminding me to breath.

          Funny I am claustrophobic also.

          My dentist is excellent, referred to me by a customer of mine. He is very gentle, kind and patient. He explains everything he is going to do, will stop if you ask and his assistant is a soft spoken encourager who gives me a cut rate and sold my mom the potpourri pot right off the reception desk! Haha

          The needles hurt more than the extractions but what really hurt was when he was cutting away the infected tissue. But I am healing and feel better for it today.

          Get this! My dentist’s name is Dr. James of all things! I had a James that was a pain in the ass and another one who’s a pain at the other end. Haha

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          1. mysterycoach

            Aw ๐Ÿ™‚ Mom came with you? This is so nice! When I had surgery and when I got my belly ring piercing I had the nice woman there hold my hand too. It’s so reassuring isn’t it? So cute ๐Ÿ™‚ It is worse when you forget to breath, because you’re holding all the tension inside.

            Oh your dentist sounds like a doll ! Very nice, sounds like they treat you with respect and what’s that word? Compassion. That’s terrific. My guy does too. He just has to stop being so huggy … I’m not sure it’s so appropriate. He’s a touchy feely person to begin with tho. See if the dentist will shake your cheek while he’s giving you the shot, it’s a distraction method. You’ll still feel the needle but it confuses you so it takes the focus off the needle. ๐Ÿ™‚ Works for me anyway. Now when I go I trust my dentist and I don’t bring my squeezy ball. I have a squeezy ball I used to bring to squeeze the hell out of so there is something in my hand. But your moms hand is better.

            ooooh infected tissue … that sounds ruff. Oh my. I have a retainer that I’m supposed to wear, something happened to it though it’s on the floor in the morning and doesn’t stay in. I have to go back. I’m glad your feeling better today.

            LOL least the pain in your ass is gone!

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  5. Sabina Brave

    Never lose hope. As long as you can breath, you are alive, and everything can change.

    That James was utter asshole. You don’t have to prove him anything. That you are atractive and stuffs. You don’t have to prove anything even to yourself. I’m sure, that you know, that you are valuble person. Outlook is not all.

    Some time ago one of my friends told me about the woman over 50, who got married. She wasn’t very atractive, she just liked her self. That asshole James took out your self esteeme… but he is out, and you can rebuild it.
    You can still smile. Not “full smile” but still smile ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hugs dear ๐Ÿ™‚ Remember – as long as you can breath everything good is possible ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Sabina
      thank you! I have to remember; I can fix my teeth, bad teeth aren’t a character flaw, being an asshole is!

      I may have a hard time looking in the mirror some days but not because I of things I’ve done and I can sleep at night with a clear conscience!

      You reminded me of that! Glad you stopped to add your thoughts!

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      1. Sabina Brave

        You welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

        I love your words: “Bad teeth arenโ€™t a character flaw, being an asshole is!” I have to remember them. And you should too ๐Ÿ™‚

        We all have our ups and downs. One from my the most favourite quotes is: “Life is not about to never fall down, but to stand up after every failure”. You wasted few years for some asshole. Now it’s time to live ๐Ÿ™‚ You started new life, so all the best! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  6. Aneesa

    So sorry to hear about your heart attack and wish you to be better soon.

    You sound so down and depressed that my heart goes out to you.

    10 years is a long time to suddenly stop thinking about someone and what they have done to you. It’s a gradual process of acceptance, anger, mourning and healing. All these things take time, your own pace.

    It’s really each day at a time. In time you will see that you are starting to get stronger again and these thoughts are getting less. If your unsure just look back a few months and you will know how far you have come.

    You are a strong woman because you got out.

    And you will smile again from the heart and your facd will glow and nothing else will matter.

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  7. TikkTok

    This comes courtesy of Eleanore Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

    When you are in an abusive relationship, it’s not like you set out to be demoralized and abused. It’s usually a very subtle process, that some people don’t even recognize (like the frog analogy). I remember “waking” up one day and seeing the truth and wondering not just how the heck I got there, but how to get out without getting killed. At some point you did, too.

    Check around with community programs to see what low cost dental options there are. In my state, we have a yearly free dental clinic in a major city that goes on for a few days. You might find dental practices that are willing to barter, too.

    Bodies can be fixed and repaired (if you know what’s wrong). You are taking some really good steps to get healthy- quitting smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done, and once I was done, I swore I would never go back, just because the quitting was so bad.

    If you are able, try to get out and be around other people. There are survivor groups out there. If you are religiously inclined (or even if you aren’t right now but would like to learn more), there are always a number of study or support groups.

    Don’t ever forget that you have value- and are beautiful. If someone is not smart enough to see that- you don’t need them in your life anyhow. Life is too short to waste on people who bring you down.

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      (I found this 1\2 finished response, I have no idea if I ever finished it, where it went, when it came back or if now it is totally redundant but am sending it anyway) I wouldn’t be lost if I knew where I was going!
      TikkTok, thank you! Wise words and good advice!
      I tend to have a pity party for a day or two and then “get on with it”. It seems I get overwhelmed and I have to succumb to the feeling sorry for myself before I can actually take the steps to DO something about it.

      I had 5 teeth taken out Friday and called the local University about getting dentures or implants, whatever they can do to help me smile again. Much cheaper than going to a Denturist and I’ve heard very good things about the work they do. I am optimistic!

      Now I am going to dust off my paint brushes and create something!
      Sent from my BlackBerryยฎ powered by Virgin Mobile.

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