It came yesterday…… the day he came back professing his love.
I have wondered what I would do, envisioned just pretending I didn’t see him, telling him to fuck off, telling him to kiss my ass but I didn’t do any of those things.
Amix is open until noon on Saturdays and JC knows I always come flying through the gates at quarter to 12. I had a feeling all the way down there that I was going to see him; I kept looking at trucks with flat decks. You see I know he got a flat deck right after we split and I haven’t known what he is driving, her Pilot, the Regal or his new truck or God knows; he could have gotten something totally different. I didn’t see him and once I got into Amix it was so busy I really didn’t have time to look. I unloaded my cast and rescaled, when I pulled up to the steel pile I parked beside a utility trailer, it sure looked familiar, it had been red and spray painted black; I took a closer look and yep, it was JC’s old trailer.
He’d been there and I had missed him. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, I wasn’t going to cry in the middle of the scrap yard so I shook it off and unloaded but I couldn’t take my eyes off the trailer. It crossed my mind to rescue it from the scrap pile, why? I don’t have room to store it and it would just be a constant reminder of JC? The relationship died a year ago almost to the day and to see that he had scrapped the trailer was the last nail to be pounded into the coffin, a sign he truly had moved on; but I knew that, he has been living with someone else for almost 8 months.
I needed to cash my cheque and the Turf Hotel down the road always cashes everyone’s cheque for them so I headed in that direction. When I got to the corner I could see the parking lot and I knew him in a heartbeat even though I couldn’t see his face. Should I just keep going? I could probably make the bank before it closed, but I needed fuel and didn’t have any money and damn it, I wanted to talk to him.
I pulled in and he saw me right away, I parked and walked over to his truck, I recognized the truck from the scrap yard now.
He said, “go cash your cheque, I’ll wait for you, I need to talk to you”. I went in and chastised myself for getting that feeling in my stomach, for being happy he was there. What is wrong with me? After all the pain he’s caused me, after almost killing me and laughing at my pain, and flaunting his new relationship in my face, after him not coming when or even caring enough to send someone to check on me when I text him to say I’d taken an overdose and was committing suicide, after he promised his love and “lied straight faced while I cried” as the song goes.
But I went to him and he gave me a hug, told me how good I looked, and said he wasn’t sure he should have come and I told him I wasn’t sure either. I asked if he was back hauling scrap and he said he’d been injured at work and been off for 5 weeks, and as always, there had been a misunderstanding and he had been wrongly dismissed and not paid for his final 2 weeks work.
I swear, every single job that man has had he has been wrongly fired and they have held his final cheque and he’s had a lot of jobs! I acted surprised though and listened as if I believed him, why start a fight now, it doesn’t matter any more, right?
We made light conversation and then he hugged me again, I was stiff in his arms, willing myself to not melt into his chest like I always used to. It wasn’t that he even looked exceptionally good, I’ve seen him look better, and in fact he looked worn out and tired. As I stepped back I looked in his eyes and they were brimming with tears. He said his mom called him a few weeks ago and said she didn’t know if he wanted to know or not but she had some news about me and told him I’d had a heart attack. His lower lip started to quiver like it does when a person tries to hold back the tears and I said Yeah, I had and told him what had happened. He said he didn’t know if he should contact me or not and has been thinking about me a lot since then.
He said he needed to say some things to me and he had been afraid he’d missed his chance because he said when she had told him I’d had a heart attack he’d thought I’d died.
He asked me to go for a drive with him to talk so I got in his truck and we drove to a dead end street and he started to cry.
I don’t even know everything he said, my mind was racing and part of me wanted to get out and run, any where, just to get away, another part wanted to be angry and scream what right does he have to come to me crying now, and another part wanted to curl up in his arms and wake up from this nightmare and find out it was all a really bad dream; but instead I just sat there, nervously twisting a piece of paper towel.
He took all the blame for the relationship failing, he told me that I had lived in conditions no other woman, and very few men for that matter; could cope with. He said that I had done nothing wrong, that he was lacking and it was his entire fault, that he found me attractive, had always loved me and still does. He said he hoped I knew that. I said I didn’t know that, because he acted the exact opposite and he is living with another woman.
He acted very sorry, apologized for the other women, the personal ads, everything! But I’ve heard it all before from him, the last time he wanted me to try again he had said all the same things and was in Plenty of Fish and living with some other woman when he was in Calgary.
He said he has changed, he’s realized how wrong he was, is more organized, doing his taxes for the last 9 years, putting his stuff away, taking care of business, going to bed etc he said, “All the things I wouldn’t do for you”. He told me they had flown out to see his mom, about how he got another motorcycle and got her leathers, how they had been to Sechelt and I told him that I can’t listen to him talk about her, doing things with her; I can’t stand hearing her name.
I said I really didn’t want to hear how he’s changed and doing all the things he wouldn’t do for me. I said “I never nagged you” and he said no I hadn’t nagged, and that he knew now how good he had it.
He said that his new girl friend isn’t anything like I was and that he’s really starting to feel caged and that he wants out. He said she isn’t the least bit flexible, hates spontaneity, can’t cope with change or disruptions to her routine, can’t do without, isn’t creative, or able to make something out of nothing. Then he went on to say that he realizes now how I was able to make some of the hell holes we lived in homey and welcoming. He said now he can appreciate all I did and contributed and he was so sorry he couldn’t at the time.
I am sure it is all bull shit, I mean, I know it is the truth, but I know he is just telling me what he thinks I want to hear and down the road he will deny saying it or feeling it.
He said he hoped I knew how much he loves me and I said no I didn’t, I told him that was one of the most painful parts of our splitting up; that he was able to say I love you to another woman and move on so quickly. He said he loves lots of people, it’s a different kind of love (oh the twisting of the meaning of a word, such a typical N thing to do). He said, “I told you I’d always love you” and I said, “people say lots of things they mean at the time but don’t any more”. He took my hand and said it again, “I will always love you Carrie”.
I wanted to tell him to stick it up his ass that I didn’t need his love but the fight in me is gone, too much pain, too many tears, to pretend, for false nonchalance, and I started to cry. I told him he had hurt me so badly. He said, “You have to admit you are better off without me in your life” I agreed, of course I am but that doesn’t erase the hurt. It doesn’t erase the fact that I put 100% into us, gave every inch of me to him and he didn’t appreciate it, he mocked it and abused it. I said that I may be better off than I was with him but that still doesn’t mean I am happy.
He seemed surprised, he didn’t understand that, and I’m not surprised, because he doesn’t have emotions like I do. For him, he found a woman willing to give him what he needed, a place to live, someone who would organize his finances, give him money to pay his ICBC fines, generally take care of him and let him suck her dry. He wasn’t in love with her but she had what he needed and he can’t understand why I can’t do the same thing. Just find someone and “love” them. He doesn’t understand love that deep or all consuming. He says I love you to every second woman he meets; he throws it out there and sees if she bites. M took the bait, just like me, I am sure he is telling her something totally different.
He said that he and I had to come to terms with the break up and be able to get on with our lives in order to ever have a good relationship again. I said again? That’s never going to happen. He looked at me like he couldn’t believe I just said that. He asked why not and I said well, for one thing you’re living with M. He said nothing is ever engraved in stone, we never know what is going to happen. I didn’t argue, why bother, it doesn’t matter any more, right?
He was saying it/she wasn’t that great, that she must have been on her best behaviour when they met (OMG that is what I had said to him when I first found out about her and he said that she was nothing like me, SHE was rational, easy to talk to, they didn’t fight and I caused conflict and I had said, “that’s because you are both on your best behaviour” and he had said with them there was no need to be on their best behaviour) but I didn’t throw his words back in his face, I knew there was no point. No matter what he admitted to yesterday down the road he would deny it anyway. Nothing he says is worth anything because he has never stood by his word. But it really doesn’t matter any more does it?
I told him that I was still really hurting, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been, I said that I had my good days, and that I might never fall in love again, but that was ok. I said I knew it was over, I had accepted that it was over long ago I just hadn’t gotten to the point of really being able to get on with my life and be happy.
He apologized for the night I attempted suicide and didn’t check on me, not even the next day. He said he thought I was just looking for attention, trying to manipulate him, if he would have known I meant it he would have come. I told him it really doesn’t matter any more.
At one point I heard his phone ringing and ringing, and when I had gone to cash my cheque and come back he had been texting, but he now was telling me his phone had been disconnected because he hadn’t been able to pay his cell bill (which would mean she is refusing to pay his bills). We were heading back to where my truck was parked, in the turf parking lot and he said, “Speaking of M there she is”. I looked and he said she just pulled into the parking lot and she must be looking for him because he was supposed to be home hours ago. I said he could drop me off and I’d walk back to the Turf so she wouldn’t see me and he said he didn’t care if she knew. (This coming from the guy who told me 6 months ago that he had to stop talking to me because it upset M) he said she must be checking up on him because his phone isn’t working (liar) I didn’t point out that his phone had been ringing earlier, it doesn’t really matter now does it?
I said, “Doesn’t she trust you?” He said, “Not 100%” I wondered why that would be seeing as he doesn’t have personal ads any more or do any of the things he used to do that drove me crazy and he refused to change and accused me of causing conflict because I got upset that he was writing love letters to other women, texting other women and meeting women off of dating sites. But I didn’t say anything; because it really doesn’t matter any more does it?
He dropped me off at my truck and took my hand again, he said he was happy he had seen me and gotten a chance to talk to me and tell me that it was his entire fault, he said he wanted me to know in all certainty none of it was my fault. I said I know I had fault in the relationship, it is never all one sided. Then he kissed me, twice, and hugged me. I got out of the truck and he kept hold of my hand he leaned forward and said, “I love you” and I said, “I will always love you” and I walked away.
And I haven’t stopped crying since.
People always ask how, why would I have gone back to him so many times and I am sure this time I won’t (because I am sure things are not going well with M and he is trying to set up his safety net for when he gets kicked out) but when the man who you love with all your heart admits to everything, validates you after months, years of devaluing your opinion, values, feelings and contributions you cling to it. it is everything you wanted to hear for so long and he’s crying, and he’s looking you straight in the eye, he is everything he was when you first fell in love and you can’t help but think maybe he means it, maybe this time he really has seen the error of his ways. I know it is my heart lying to my head and my head will prevail. But oh God it makes me sad.
I wish I wouldn’t have stopped, but then maybe I need to take his apology, believe it, take it as closure and walk away with the knowledge he is right before he denies saying it again. Be thankful I got the closure I needed to move on with my life. Maybe he has had an epiphany and maybe he has found his heart and knows what it’s for, maybe he has been losing sleep worrying about me but I doubt it, he already was lying about his phone and I doubt he saw M’s car either.
JC is only concerned with making sure his ass is covered. So why can’t I just get mad and stop this dang crying.