He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not- He Loves Me Today?

Excerpts from my journal

September 3, 2009

Been on the road a week now, 3rd day without a shower and feeling really grubby. My back is killing me but its just because I just got up. We’ve hauled all the way to Rivers Manitoba and now are heading west back to Alberta. Seen lots of neat things, explored an old army base in Rivers yesterday, which was very cool. Stopped in Blaine Lake but JC said we didn’t have time to explore. There sure are a lot of empty houses in Sask, like people just walked away and left everything behind. Its eerie, the door will be swinging in the wind and a window is open and the curtains are blowing outside you can even see furniture in some places. Towns are deserted, just ghost towns.

I am beginning to wonder what the hell I was thinking. I gave away most everything I owned and my business for a house in Blaine Lake, now there’s no house and I’m at JC’s mercy as to where we go from here. He’s got a job with Q-Line starting next week and they only ship Alberta and Saskatchewan. Any options we discussed for me before the move are now not doable (according to JC) because of the cold winters. JC seems annoyed with me most of the time. He automatically snaps at me and acts like I said or asked something really stupid; but later he will contradict himself and I was right.

Yesterday I said, “I love you” and he said, “I love you today”. What the hell does that mean?? He doesn’t love me everyday?

September 8, 2009

He flatly refuses to say I love you and says it’s because I am not acting loveable but even when I am loveable then his love is cyclable and his cycles don’t end until I dump him and then he loves me again. That’s fucked! We’re broke; JC’s pay was not what he had expected. We decided to unload my truck and haul some scrap in.

September 9, 2009
JC wasted the day on his laptop, while I tried to wait patiently to unload my truck. I said to him either unload my truck so we can haul or lets go back to BC where I know I have scrap piling up but I can’t sit in the truck all day doing nothing. It drives me crazy!! If he would sleep like a normal person he might not be so out of it during the day. I am about to lose it totally. He is so indecisive!!

September 10, 2009.

We finally unloaded my truck into storage so we could haul some scrap. Well I shouldn’t say “we” JC took me to a garage he and Lloyd have rented and then took off to go get Allen (his son). I didn’t know where I was supposed to put stuff but did the best I could, somethings I couldn’t lift. Allen lives just around the corner and JC was gone 2 hours so I called and he said he got stopped for running a red light. There are no lights between the garage and Allen’s. And then he showed up without Allen. He said he wasn’t home and he left $20 for Tina to send him in a cab when he got home. I went in the Kenworth for something and the Atroglide was on the floor between the two front seats? Weird?

Allen showed up and JC and he sorted JC’s tools while I unloaded; I had to beg to get help with the stuff too heavy for me to lift. I was almost done when it was time for Allen to go home and JC was gone for hours again. When it got to be midnight I called, I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I sat waiting for the longest time getting more pissed by the minute and finally I just left. Stupid thing to do because I got really lost and he wouldn’t answer his phone. I text and called for almost 2 hours and he didn’t reply. I called Lloyd and he tried to direct me but I was so lost he didn’t know where I was so he called the police! Oh God, me and my temper!! The police finally figured out where I was and I was crying like a fool. The cop was very nice and said, “Now calm down, you can do this, don’t make me come out there”. And he laughed and I felt better and then I was able to find some landmarks and got on the right track. Finally JC called and said his phone had been in his truck and he’d been in the garage waiting for me. I was just so happy he answered I didn’t argue, I just wanted to go to bed. He kept me awake all night while he sorted papers on the bed and played his tunes loud.

September 11, 2009

I checked JC’s text messages and he had started a message to me when I first texted him and he didn’t finish it so he knew I was lost, he was just mad because I was mad about being left for hours. There were messages between him and Tina that showed he must have been at her place and stayed there over an hour. We got a load in and they aren’t paying near what they’re paying in BC.

He wasted the rest of the day on his computer. We were supposed to be leaving for BC today but its 7 pm, we’re at TBM and he just said he is going to fuel me up and then I can head out.
Great! It will be dark in an hour, I don’t have a dime, and I’ve had no sleep, its cold at night. I could have gone this morning, but no he’d rather send me out in the absolutely worst conditions. I tried to diplomatically get his ass moving, tried to express me feelings in a productive manner.

(I did head out but turned around, I chickened out)

September 14, 2009

Finally left for BC at 7 pm and had an inside dually blow out at Canmore. Luckily there was an emergency number and the guy came out. JC and he worked on for several hours and it only cost $155.00. I drove until I couldn’t stay awake and then we slept until 6 am. I drove all day until we hit Kamloops then JC drove a bit but kept falling asleep so I drove all the way to Hope and then he took over to Abby. Got to Abbotsford at 9:30 am and started picking up scrap right away. Great Weather!!! MMuch happier. Decided to get cheap hotel in Surrey

* In Surrey there are lots of “cheap” hotels, like $75 a night, after that you are looking at a couple hundred. We both thought how bad can it be? We agreed all we needed was a clean bed and a tub, we weren’t picky. JC went and signed us in and paid (they insisteweadvance); he was asked if it was for the whole night or just by the hour.

Note: this is a good indication it is not a high class hotel

We pulled the truck down in front of our room and as we were unlocking the room door a guy walked past and said, “Just a heads up, I wouldn’t leave my truck unlocked if I was you.” I said we were just going to check out the room and come back for our stuff. He advised we lock it at all times, if we didn’t have it in sight even for 5 minutes not to take any chances. I thanked him and locked the truck.

Note: If it is unsafe to leave your vehicle unlocked for 5 minutes parked only 10 feet from you the odds are the room is not going to be top of the line.

We opened the door and JC immediately went in the bathroom, from in there he yelled out, “don’t get too comfy, I don’t think you’re gonna want to bath in this tub, I don’t want to shower in it, I don’t want to get naked in this room.”

“How bad is it?” I asked

“You probably don’t want to know”.

The room had obviously been a kitchen unit at one time but the appliances had been ripped out (literally) and half the cupboards. There was a TV bolted to the dresser, and a round wood table with burn marks all over the top of it and a couple of metal chars. The carpet was filthy with burn holes every where, I didn’t want Kato to lie on the floor so had him jump up on the bed, and not that it was any cleaner.

Just as we were deciding what to do and quickly coming to the agreement that we weren’t staying there was a knock at the door. The fellow who had registered JC was at the door and wanted to know if we brought a dog in the room. I said yes we had and he said we couldn’t have a dog in the room. I said don’t worry we aren’t staying. He was going on and on about dogs no allowed and I felt like asking,“What could he possible get dirty or damage?” but we just left. JC went to get our money bck and the guy refused, I can’t even remember now if we eventually got it back or not. But we slept in the truck again.*

Sept 19-20

Spent the weekend in Sechelt with JC’s mom and step dad. God it felt great to be in a bed, have a shower in the morning, make coffee. Kato just ripped around the house so excited to be out of the truck. Had an ok time but JC is very distant and doesn’t come to bed or say he loves me.

Sept 26

JC left for Calgary today. So I am here in my truck with Kato all alone. I’m scared and I’m lonely. I feel deserted by every body, no one kept their promises. I am feeling so beaten down and lacking in self confidence and that is not what I need right now. I slept in Wal Mart parking lot and washed up at Tim Horton’s. I could have gone to Barb’s or April’s but I don’t want the people in the park to know I am homeless. I just pray JC doesn’t desert me too.

We were tense with each other all week and lost money last week because he doesn’t sleep and then gets distracted so easily and ends up doing something unnecessary and we missed some pickups.

Sept 29th

Sleeping in the truck is getting old really fast, Wal Mart again last night, right now I am waiting for the shower at the Shell. Called JC to wish him Happy Birthday today; had good conversation. He is still undecided about what he wants to do, and I am getting concerned because the nights are quickly getting colder. I bought Kato a better bed and a sweatshirt, coat and blanket for myself at Value Village which should make the night a lot more bearable.

September 30, 2009

Didn’t sleep well, very cold and damp last night. It gets dark so early and I get very lonely and depressed then. I’m sending JC $100 because he’s broke and another $85 towards storage on my stuff. I don’t want to lose my stuff but my truck insurance is due in 3 days.

Oct 3

It’s been raining for 3 days and I really don’t feel well, sore throat and sick stomach, very damp and it’s hard to fit my 5’11” frame on a 3 ½’ of seat, good thing Kato is a good snuggler. He’s such a sweet boy, so well behaved. He hops in the truck even though I know he doesn’t want to. I suppose him and Kris are the only things that keep me going. God it’s hard, but I don’t have many options.

Oct 5

Kato and I are both really sick, I have about had all I can take, work is slow as usual for this time of year, JC is still undecided, my power steering on the truck is gone so I have to strong arm steer it and my back is killing me. Right now I can’t remember what its like to live a “normal” life. Never in a million years did I think I would be homeless once let alone twice in my life!

Oct 6

JC called and he is stuck in Kamloops, 3 hours away and needs money so I deposited $200 into his account.

I am so depressed and discouraged, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can’t see how things will ever get better.

I guess prayer does help. My day totally turned around, I got a good load from Green Valley Fertizers and then Ritchie Bros Feeds called. While I was at Ritchie Feeds I ran into an old friend of JC and mine and he insisted on giving me $100 and said to take JC out for a nice supper. JC arrived while I was still in Surrey waiting to cash my cheque. ($390) and then when JC saw me he gave me a great big hug and held my hand walking to the restaurant. We had great sex and it felt so good to sleep with my head on his chest.

December 9, 2009

Well its been awhile since I wrote here, a lot has happened. JC traded his motorcycle for an old holiday trailer. He took a job running batteries from Vancouver to Trail and back but it doesn’t pay worth crap. Allan got kicked out of school so Tina shipped him out to us! Not ideal, living in WalMart parking lot but what could we do?
Allan has been with us a week now and seems to really love the “family” unit of “us”. JC made supper tonight, we watched a movie and I snuggled up and said, “I love you” and he didn’t say anything. I started to cry and he asked why and I said it hurts when I say I love you and you don’t say it back and he squeezed my shoulder and rolled over and went to sleep.

December 14, 2009

JC is still here and I guess he isn’t leaving for Calgary any time soon. God what an emotional roller coaster ride. Allan was telling me how much he is enjoying being with us (go figure!) he said we are like a TV sitcom. The grumpy dad, the step mom, the mouthy teenager and the cool dog. He said things happen to get us down but we always find something funny, and if we fight by the end of the show everyone makes up and is happy again. I thought wow, maybe things aren’t so bad. Pretty resilient kid! I like him, he’s come to work with me a few days and he’s getting the hang of it. Now we just have to work on a hair cut and getting rid of that God awful hoodie…… and get him enrolled in school. AND out of WalMart parking lot!!

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5 Replies to “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not- He Loves Me Today?”

  1. Hello ladies, princess and mc.

    I am actually writing about this because I am leading into a series of posts I want to do about some of the homeless people I met in hopes of raising awareness; otherwise I prefer to forget it ever happened.

    Not one of my fondest memories or shining moments.
    Thanks for dropping by.

    Like

    1. Astroglide (my fingers weren’t working) and yes motion lotion. Between the two front seats in the Kenworth, you know how there is quite an area to walk through between the seats in a semi. , I know it wasn’t there earlier. We had some, we had a storage cupboard right beside the bed with drawers in it and that’s where I kept it. It just struck me as Strange that we were 15 mins from his son’s place yet it took him 2 hours and he didn’t even pick him up. He wouldn’t have been 2 hrs even if a cop had stopped him and I never saw a ticket.

      Like

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