Broken

I started this blog to hopefully help other women who get involved with a narcissist and if I am going to do that I have to be honest about my journey.

JC showed up at the Turf where I cash my cheque on Saturday again. I had started going somewhere else with my loads to avoid him but this one day I had a good paying load and needed the full amount, plus it was heavy stuff and I didn’t want to hand bomb it off and at amix they take it off with a magnet.

Anyway I saw him there and could have drivin past but I didn’t; I pulled in. he immediately came to my truck and gave me a hug which I didn’t return. He was impressed with how cute the dogs were. I took Laila out for him to see and then he had a visit with Kato while I cashed my cheque. I was starving so I offered to buy him lunch at the Turf. We had lunch and casual conversation about work etc. He of course had been fired again, and of course it wasn’t his fault again, and they trashed his tools again and kept his last cheque again. same old story. He asked about how the truck had run after he worked on it and I told him about the loose bolt and there was no recognition on his face. We left the restaurant and I noticed he has lost weight, he looked old, tired, stressed, unhappy. I kinda felt bad for him.

We sat in his truck, I kept saying I had to get going but we kept talking for gee 3-4 hours. He tried to fix one of my windshield wipers but couldn’t. He was apologizing again, telling me how he had this epiphany and he never meant to hurt me, he’d always loved me. That he hadn’t wanted to lose me, it was the farm, where he worked, having to work on my truck, all those pressures that he wanted free of but he had always loved me. He said how he tried to get me up and running before we split which was bullshit. He even managed to squeeze out some tears. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it any more. I didn’t want to hear about his new life and didn’t want to hear that he had loved me. He treated me like shit. He said that he didn’t want to be cruel but it was kinda my own fault for forgiving him all the time. he said that every time I forgave him he thought; well I got away with that, I wonder how much I can get away with. I asked why he always begged me back and he said he’d never met anyone like me. I thought yeah a sucker.

Finally I said I really had to go and he left. I went to leave and my truck wouldn’t start. I thought what did he do to it? shit! His phone has been disconnected for nonpayment and in a moment of panic I called his mom and asked her to call him and tell him I was broken down. Then I calmed down and I just needed a jump start and two guys helped me out.

I cried all Saturday night and most of Sunday. My house has never been so filthy, I am so depressed and seeing him didn’t help. I wrote an email to him Sunday and sent it this morning. I didn’t send it to him I sent it to the email address his mother sends emails to which turns out is the email address of his new woman’s dead husband. It said that I didn’t seek him out and I wanted him to leave me alone. That he had a selective memory about how things were with us and that he had these epiphanies in the past at least 5 times and I had forgiven him and it had all been a lie so why should I believe him now. That he wasn’t even apologizing for the things he did and was glossing it over to not sound so bad.

I said that I didn’t know what was going on between him and her but I didn’t want to be part of his game. I said he had used her to hurt me and I wasn’t going to be his pawn in what ever game he was playing now. And I asked him to please leave me alone.

It was longer than that but that is the gist of it.

I really haven’t been doing well lately, long before this weekend. So many things coming down, so much stress the last 10 yrs, feeling so alone, being sick, just tired, just unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

God know why but I went into Facebook, its been so long I forgot my password and I searched for his name and found him right away. He got engaged on Feb 8th.

I am a basket case. What is wrong with me?? Why does it bother me? I know he hasn’t changed, I think she is so stupid to jeopardize everything she has for a guy that hasn’t even worked the whole time they’ve been together.

But it was the comments from other people, so happy for them, people I didn’t know, her friends I imagine, like maybe just maybe he has changed. Even if he has he treated me like crap and I don’t want him back but I know he hasn’t changed, he and I had our good times too that is why I stayed.

So why can’t I get my shit together? Why can’t I clean my house? God help me I am so sad.

12 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Imperfect

    Sorry you are having such a hard time. 😦 It can be overwhelming and feel impossible to get started if you look at the whole task at once. Cleaning your whole house is hard, but making your bed isn’t so hard. Maybe after you do that you’ll want to clean one dish, then another. Or maybe you’ll just be happy you did one thing and leave it at that. Breaking a task down into smaller tasks is the only way I get anything done, but my place is frequently a mess so I probably shouldn’t be giving advice in this area.

    I think it’s great that JC is someone else’s problem now. Cutting off all contact (including looking him up online) is the only healthy way I’ve found to get over someone.

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Imperfect Journey, You are right on all counts especially no contact.

      I saw him parked there and I could have kept on driving. It did cross my mind and I wish now I would have. Same as Facebook. I deactivated my acct and blocked him so I couldn’t see him. I didn’t even remember my password so it took a bit of work to check him out. I know better, even when we were together and I knew he was up to something I always found out it was much worse than what I had imagined. I’d tell myself I was looking so I’d have proof and dump him but I’d always forgive him anyway, so it was pointless.

      I really don’t know what this thing is with the housework and not caring how the place looks. It is so not like me. As much as I find it hard to get out the door to work I find it even harder to go home. So I find reasons to stay away, even sit in my truck and blog instead of go inside.

      I used to like living alone too I think it just doesn’t feel like home.

      It isn’t just JC, for sure he is somehow attached to most of it, but I usually don’t wallow in self pity and I usually work harder when things get tough, I tend to become a workaholic. But this time, I don’t know, its so different.

      Having people like you, who I can be honest with who understand and don’t judge, helps immensely.

      Thank you for your input!

      Carrie

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  2. Jessica

    Our brains know the truth, but we are wired to hear the words and listen… and they are so good with words. Even when we tell ourselves “look at the actions!” Supporting you because I’ve been there… Jessica.

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Thank you Jessica, only someone who has been there knows the hell of head games. The innuendo’s, the playing on your insecurities and then I get so angry with myself for giving him the chance to do it to me again.

      And for the life of me I don’t know why he bothers. I’m not a challenge. He keeps saying things like your happy, your successful right?, your better off without me? I keep saying no I’m not, you hurt me so deeply, yes I am better off without you but I’d be better if I’d never met you and I am in such a financial hole I am afraid I’ll never see the light of day but I don’t want your help and I will not play whatever game you are playing. I will not be used to hurt M even if you used her to hurt me.

      And he totally ignores me.

      Thanks for your support and understanding. It really means a lot.

      Carrie

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  3. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:

    I wrote this post over a year after I left James. For those of you who feel they aren’t healing fast enough and you can’t go no contact. This is what happens when you have contact with the narcissist. learn from my mistakes. The date on the post is Feb 13 2012. Him and I split in Nov 2010

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  4. Julie

    Carrie… I have been following, perhaps lurking over the years. I have also been in a long term relationship with a NPD,ASPD Person. Like you I had no earthly idea, we were together for 15 years. Well, I thought we were together. We met on,line in a chat room, I was assured by the others that he was a good JOE….right! He was on the prowl and on good behavior at the time as everyone needed to be idealized until the process took hold and someone was hooked.. I have since learned that both my mother and my husband, both now deceased, were also narcissists..I was in that hateful company most of my live… He enjoyed the airport pick-up the most… the let me drive you to your destination!I Also, many hours were spent on line fishing for prey. Hours I was sleeping.
    I returned from a business trip, where I had been called many times and his support for my success was overwhelming. On my return I gathered up his mail, why it was at my house is another story. I took it to his house and found him with a naked stranger in his bedroom. WHAT!
    6 days later he called to tell my best friend that he had married this person….Nothing but revenge and contempt on his face from that day forward, I was split and now hated! I went on a trip to visit friends and stayed for three months, he called me once and I hung up.
    On the Fourth of July, another holiday….. He came to my door as he felt I needed to know that he had been in an auto accident, was hospitalized and the car was totalled. He nearly died! I met him in my driveway as I didn’t know it he was the person at my door. I told him that he would be better off away from me as I am now a different person and one he would not appreciate. He cried about his crazy wife and he looked 10 years older. It has been over three years, at this point. I have a male friend staying with me at this time and my preditor is not sure what this is about. He came to church for the first time in many years and sat right in front of me, we did not talk or even look at each other… I didn`t anyway!
    The pain of this addiction to trauma bombing,gaslighting,pathological lying,and idealization, devaluation, and the Discard has been overwhelming… I am still not over the pain but I am doing so much better. I am looking at this little get-to-gether as my opportunity for closure. How he would hate knowing that he did something that pleased me…. I do miss him, and I have gratitude that I have grown during this horrible journey. Trust will always be an issue but Abuse is an issue I will never toterate again… Thanks for listening~proud of you gal…

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Julie, thanks for sharing your story, long distance is a Narc dream relationship. my ex was a trucker which played nicely into having multiple women on the hook at one time.
      hugs

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  5. Peter Wells aka Countingducks

    It’s so hard to break out of the cycle I know, and nothing seems to move us more than a kind of helplessness in others, and so we find ourselves walking into the lair of a monster so we can bandage his leg. You are not the first to be thus moved, but you are one of the bravest when it comes to being honest with yourself and us, and you should never forget your own courage, which both moves and heartens the many people who read and love your Blog, including me

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Oh Peter you are so eloquent and say the nicest things, my staunch supporter. You have seen me at my lowest, in the horrid trailer with no running water and no heat. It doesn’t seem possible but it has been years now and you are still reading and encouraging. Thank you my friend!!

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  6. safirefalcon

    Oh my gosh! I remember those days so well. One of the rooms in the house was a ‘catch-all’ of sorts, but the rest of the house (except the kitchen) was not getting cleaned. The kitchen got it because the counters would get wiped down when food was prepared. But I also live with someone else and he is also good about cleaning the counters and washing dishes.

    I had piles of mail, and piles of stuff my mom had been bringing to me before she moved away. It was all supposed to be sold on ebay or Amazon but I didn’t have the motivation to do that either. The stuff just kept piling up and piling up.

    Thankfully I gradually came out of it. But it wasn’t linear either. I’d have days when I’d have this spurt of motivation and start to clean up in there. I even got it pretty neatened up a couple times but it would slowly get cluttered again.

    My cat loved it. He’s a strange little soul who loves to sit and nap among the clutter. Finally though, I got to a point I couldn’t stand it any more and it’s back to normal. But I’ve never gotten back to being the cleaning freak I used to be.

    My split was the same month as yours but the year prior.

    I like when you post these old ones. It shows how different things are, for you as well as myself.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire, It is interesting when I go back and read old posts, that time seems so far away now but i remember how badly I hurt and thinking I would NEVER heal or feel normal again. haha
      But like you I never did go back to being the clean freak I used to be, a good thing!! I was obsessed about my house, why? because my mother was obsessed about her house. My house got really bad for awhile, like you I would clean it (usually when I knew my mom was coming over) and then it would quickly be a mess again. I would wash dishes when I had nothing left clean to eat off. I ruined pots by letting them sit dirty for too long and thew some out because I just didn;t want to wash them. I have never been such a slob in my life!! My place is pretty clean now, but I don’t worry about a few dirty dishes or if I don’t make my bed one day (6 out of 7 days isn’t bad) I will leave dirty dishes in the sink. My mom comes over now and always seems surprised my house (boat) isn’t a disaster, it must have been terribly hard on her back then. haha Now she walks in and says, “OH!!! your place is so clean!”
      I look back now and it is like some really sad old movie I watched years ago; I know it was me but I barely recognize myself.

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  7. Olivia Rose

    I can totally relate to all of it………..the (him saying) “I lost my job again” and he’s a poor victim. Ha. Yes. To “I can’t clean my house”. I can’t either.

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