I started this blog to hopefully help other women who get involved with a narcissist and if I am going to do that I have to be honest about my journey.
JC showed up at the Turf where I cash my cheque on Saturday again. I had started going somewhere else with my loads to avoid him but this one day I had a good paying load and needed the full amount, plus it was heavy stuff and I didn’t want to hand bomb it off and at amix they take it off with a magnet.
Anyway I saw him there and could have drivin past but I didn’t; I pulled in. he immediately came to my truck and gave me a hug which I didn’t return. He was impressed with how cute the dogs were. I took Laila out for him to see and then he had a visit with Kato while I cashed my cheque. I was starving so I offered to buy him lunch at the Turf. We had lunch and casual conversation about work etc. He of course had been fired again, and of course it wasn’t his fault again, and they trashed his tools again and kept his last cheque again. same old story. He asked about how the truck had run after he worked on it and I told him about the loose bolt and there was no recognition on his face. We left the restaurant and I noticed he has lost weight, he looked old, tired, stressed, unhappy. I kinda felt bad for him.
We sat in his truck, I kept saying I had to get going but we kept talking for gee 3-4 hours. He tried to fix one of my windshield wipers but couldn’t. He was apologizing again, telling me how he had this epiphany and he never meant to hurt me, he’d always loved me. That he hadn’t wanted to lose me, it was the farm, where he worked, having to work on my truck, all those pressures that he wanted free of but he had always loved me. He said how he tried to get me up and running before we split which was bullshit. He even managed to squeeze out some tears. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it any more. I didn’t want to hear about his new life and didn’t want to hear that he had loved me. He treated me like shit. He said that he didn’t want to be cruel but it was kinda my own fault for forgiving him all the time. he said that every time I forgave him he thought; well I got away with that, I wonder how much I can get away with. I asked why he always begged me back and he said he’d never met anyone like me. I thought yeah a sucker.
Finally I said I really had to go and he left. I went to leave and my truck wouldn’t start. I thought what did he do to it? shit! His phone has been disconnected for nonpayment and in a moment of panic I called his mom and asked her to call him and tell him I was broken down. Then I calmed down and I just needed a jump start and two guys helped me out.
I cried all Saturday night and most of Sunday. My house has never been so filthy, I am so depressed and seeing him didn’t help. I wrote an email to him Sunday and sent it this morning. I didn’t send it to him I sent it to the email address his mother sends emails to which turns out is the email address of his new woman’s dead husband. It said that I didn’t seek him out and I wanted him to leave me alone. That he had a selective memory about how things were with us and that he had these epiphanies in the past at least 5 times and I had forgiven him and it had all been a lie so why should I believe him now. That he wasn’t even apologizing for the things he did and was glossing it over to not sound so bad.
I said that I didn’t know what was going on between him and her but I didn’t want to be part of his game. I said he had used her to hurt me and I wasn’t going to be his pawn in what ever game he was playing now. And I asked him to please leave me alone.
It was longer than that but that is the gist of it.
I really haven’t been doing well lately, long before this weekend. So many things coming down, so much stress the last 10 yrs, feeling so alone, being sick, just tired, just unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
God know why but I went into Facebook, its been so long I forgot my password and I searched for his name and found him right away. He got engaged on Feb 8th.
I am a basket case. What is wrong with me?? Why does it bother me? I know he hasn’t changed, I think she is so stupid to jeopardize everything she has for a guy that hasn’t even worked the whole time they’ve been together.
But it was the comments from other people, so happy for them, people I didn’t know, her friends I imagine, like maybe just maybe he has changed. Even if he has he treated me like crap and I don’t want him back but I know he hasn’t changed, he and I had our good times too that is why I stayed.
So why can’t I get my shit together? Why can’t I clean my house? God help me I am so sad.