That picture is one of my coffee tables, my house has never been this filthy in my life. I used the last clean coffee cup this morning and had to use a dirty spoon for the sugar. Its kind of surprising seeing as I have eaten anything for 2 days. I can’t think of anything I want to eat, unfortunately I forgot the dogs still need to eat and didn’t pick them up any food yesterday. I’ll have to give them bread and tuna this morning.
I’ve had it. I have been struggling since JC first came to the Turf before Christmas. After my heart attack I couldn’t wait to get back to work and didn’t even last a week before I was back at it. Then JC stopped and wanted to talk and its been a backwards slide ever since.
I struggle to get out the door by noon, do a few pick ups and get a bit of money and go home. I usually change out of my dirty clothes but I never put my pj’s on or go to bed. My life is on the couch, blogging, eating something just because I know I have to. I used to be a wonderful cook and loved creating a tasty meal. I used to love to have friends over and feed them.
I don’t know what’s happened to me; where did I lose me?
It can’t all be JC, I know if he and I were together we’d be homeless because he lost his job again. I know the only reason he’s got a roof over his head is because the woman he’s with has a house. He’s just moved in and taken over where her husband left off when he died. I know he’s putting on an act with her and her family and friends until he’s firmly enmeshed and married to her. I know it would take a miracle for him to have changed that much at 48. I know she couldn’t have brought about that big a change. He told me I brought the change about; that he looked back on how he treated me and decided to change. Whatever! That’s a small condolence now that my life is in a shambles.
These dogs are driving me insane! It isn’t funny. Roxy is in heat and kato is after her constantly. Whining, licking her, trying to mount her and he won’t stop and then she gets mad and they have a literal dog fight in the living room and the coffee tables go flying; coffee, juice, Mike Lemonaide all go flying mixed with the ashtray; onto my laptop on the floor. I lock him in the bedroom and he whines and scratches until I let him out and then he’s on her again. I was so fed up last night I tried to drag him into the bedroom and he bolted outside and refused to come in so I left him out there. To hell with him! I know its nature and I was going to get him and Roxy fixed after the puppies were born but just didn’t have the money seeing as all the puppies died and I couldn’t sell them. (Dead puppies don’t fetch much). My son was with me last time and it drove both of us crazy, alone I can’t tell you how insane I was going. $500 on vet bills and Roxy is healthy but I fear she’s pregnant again and I just don’t know if I can do this again. I’ve tried to sell the baby; but it is going to be really hard now; I’ve thought about giving her to my grand daughter but I really can’t afford the trek to Kelowna and to be honest I don’t know if I am up to the 4-5 hour drive and then turn around and come right back.
I am so sorry I got Roxy, I know I probably saved her life because anyone else that would have gotten her would have put her down thinking she was vicious. She is such a loving sweet dog now. But I don’t have time, room or the money to keep 3 dogs. I am so sick of kato I could get rid of him right now. I long for the day when it was just him and I and we would take a long walk every day. Our long walks stopped when we got Roxy because together they are aggressive to other dogs and its just impossible to walk any where. I have the puppy snuggled up to me right now and she is so sweet and cute.
I have been given until the end of March to move. But I don’t have a clue where I will go. I wish I could go somewhere I would never see JC again. I don’t have a clue what else I could do for a living; to change jobs now would just be another stress added to an already stressful life. I can’t count how many times I’ve moved in the last 10 yrs. 10 times? And it’s usually to a place I have to fix up because I am always arranging cheap rent in exchange for fixing a place up. I want a home, a place I know I will be there for years, where I can have a fenced yard to put the dog(s) outside. I miss the farm for that and so does Kato; we had a fenced yard for him to go out an sniff and such like dogs do.
You know other people have dogs who have puppies and they have a litter of healthy puppies, sell them and life goes on. But not me. They have to die, one by one, in my hand; it had to be a nightmare when all I wanted was to make enough money to move.
My nerves are shot; I just screamed at Kato last night to STOP for FUCK sake!! STOP!!
I am so sick of being alone, struggling and never quite making it. Yeah I paid a lot of money to a lot of people last year but I owe that much and more still and my truck needs work desperately. I do blame JC for my financial situation and he says he tried to get me set up before we split. Its all bullshit, he did everything he could to destroy me. There was no need for me to owe Al almost $5000 and BD $2500, and all the fines I had to pay are directly related to JC. I have to go to court in Mar for tickets from July of 2010.
When I see JC I would love to be at the top of my game, doing well, looking good, happy and confident. That’s the way it used to be every time we split; I always did well without him. I always bounced back and this time I just haven’t. He seems surprised when he says “You are doing better without me” and I say I don’t think I’ll ever dig myself out of the pit I’m in.
I’ve always had men after me but this time I lost my desire to flirt; my teeth? Right now I am thinking to fix my teeth is an expense I can’t afford. Another debt to pay more pressure to produce when I can barely drag myself out the door by noon as it is.
I think that goes back to when I was with JC also. So many days I’d head out to work and the truck wouldn’t start or would break down and I wouldn’t make it to the job and lose the customer. I think back and remember the day I had a new customer and JC wanted me to stay home and help him clean out his semi trailer. That day I got punched in the head and called every name in the book and then told to go to work it was ok only to come home to find all my belongings in a muddy field and him hosing them down.
And now he comes to me saying he always loved me? And I find out he’s engaged? He even told me Saturday, “You don’t know what it was like at the farm after you left. The mice were every where, crawling on me in bed; I went and slept in the car. I had to get out of there.” Consequently he ended up moving into M’s. He says it like it makes perfect sense` like I should understand. I guess he thinks I should just find a guy with money and “fall in love” too.
The way he talks its the way people do things. Maybe some people do; a narcissist does, say whatever needs to be said, make any promises that need to be made in order to better yourself.
I know he tells people not to tell me what is going on in his life and that I won’t leave him alone. Yet he is the one showing up where he knows I’ll be. He had two facebook accounts, one that he had with hundreds of people on it where he played his pretend life and another one with only a few people on it. When we split he blocked me from the first one right away which was ok with me, I had taken him off my friend’s list long before we split because I got sick of getting all the notifications of JC just friended this woman or that women. The second one he would block and unblock me depending on what he wanted me to know. It was his way of getting to me without being obvious to anyone else. I know I should never go looking unless I am prepared to find something hurtful. I learned that a long time ago with JC. When ever I suspected he was up to something and I went looking I’d always find out it was way worse than I had imagined.
I don’t know why I can’t say good riddens to bad rubbish; be thankful I am out of it and he has someone else. I am tried to figure out why it hurts so much that I can’t think or move. I never asked that much of him and from where I stand she is getting more than what I asked for. And for him to say it was my own fault for forgiving him when he begged me back.
I want to scream and hit him and call him a SOB and say you had no right!! I didn’t deserve it I didn’t deserve having my life destroyed I don’t deserve having to struggle like this.
That’s it. That’s what I woke up thinking this morning. His sister is coming to help me clean my house today. I called her last night because I was sitting here with a bottle of pills thinking it would be so nice to just check out. I called my son and cried, sobbed, told him I love him but I know he’d blame himself if I did check out. I just can’t see spending the rest of my life struggling. I’ve really had a good life, many wonderful experiences, done lots of good deeds, had good friends, had money and the big house, partied, loved and been loved, I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. I could die tomorrow and have no regrets or feel there is something I didn’t do.
Does a person ever just reach the breaking point? A line that they cross where that one thing throws them over the edge of no return? That limit, pain limit, where you just can’t take any more period. Your spirit is broken and it doesn’t matter who comes along or what anyone does you can’t be fixed?
These God damned dogs!!! They just got in another fight. I ave so had it!!!!
Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.