I Am Such A Mess

That picture is one of my coffee tables, my house has never been this filthy in my life. I used the last clean coffee cup this morning and had to use a dirty spoon for the sugar. Its kind of surprising seeing as I have eaten anything for 2 days. I can’t think of anything I want to eat, unfortunately I forgot the dogs still need to eat and didn’t pick them up any food yesterday. I’ll have to give them bread and tuna this morning.

I’ve had it. I have been struggling since JC first came to the Turf before Christmas. After my heart attack I couldn’t wait to get back to work and didn’t even last a week before I was back at it. Then JC stopped and wanted to talk and its been a backwards slide ever since.

I struggle to get out the door by noon, do a few pick ups and get a bit of money and go home. I usually change out of my dirty clothes but I never put my pj’s on or go to bed. My life is on the couch, blogging, eating something just because I know I have to. I used to be a wonderful cook and loved creating a tasty meal. I used to love to have friends over and feed them.

I don’t know what’s happened to me; where did I lose me?

It can’t all be JC, I know if he and I were together we’d be homeless because he lost his job again. I know the only reason he’s got a roof over his head is because the woman he’s with has a house. He’s just moved in and taken over where her husband left off when he died. I know he’s putting on an act with her and her family and friends until he’s firmly enmeshed and married to her. I know it would take a miracle for him to have changed that much at 48. I know she couldn’t have brought about that big a change. He told me I brought the change about; that he looked back on how he treated me and decided to change. Whatever! That’s a small condolence now that my life is in a shambles.

These dogs are driving me insane! It isn’t funny. Roxy is in heat and kato is after her constantly. Whining, licking her, trying to mount her and he won’t stop and then she gets mad and they have a literal dog fight in the living room and the coffee tables go flying; coffee, juice, Mike Lemonaide all go flying mixed with the ashtray; onto my laptop on the floor. I lock him in the bedroom and he whines and scratches until I let him out and then he’s on her again. I was so fed up last night I tried to drag him into the bedroom and he bolted outside and refused to come in so I left him out there. To hell with him! I know its nature and I was going to get him and Roxy fixed after the puppies were born but just didn’t have the money seeing as all the puppies died and I couldn’t sell them. (Dead puppies don’t fetch much). My son was with me last time and it drove both of us crazy, alone I can’t tell you how insane I was going. $500 on vet bills and Roxy is healthy but I fear she’s pregnant again and I just don’t know if I can do this again. I’ve tried to sell the baby; but it is going to be really hard now; I’ve thought about giving her to my grand daughter but I really can’t afford the trek to Kelowna and to be honest I don’t know if I am up to the 4-5 hour drive and then turn around and come right back.

I am so sorry I got Roxy, I know I probably saved her life because anyone else that would have gotten her would have put her down thinking she was vicious. She is such a loving sweet dog now. But I don’t have time, room or the money to keep 3 dogs. I am so sick of kato I could get rid of him right now. I long for the day when it was just him and I and we would take a long walk every day. Our long walks stopped when we got Roxy because together they are aggressive to other dogs and its just impossible to walk any where. I have the puppy snuggled up to me right now and she is so sweet and cute.

I have been given until the end of March to move. But I don’t have a clue where I will go. I wish I could go somewhere I would never see JC again. I don’t have a clue what else I could do for a living; to change jobs now would just be another stress added to an already stressful life. I can’t count how many times I’ve moved in the last 10 yrs. 10 times? And it’s usually to a place I have to fix up because I am always arranging cheap rent in exchange for fixing a place up. I want a home, a place I know I will be there for years, where I can have a fenced yard to put the dog(s) outside. I miss the farm for that and so does Kato; we had a fenced yard for him to go out an sniff and such like dogs do.

You know other people have dogs who have puppies and they have a litter of healthy puppies, sell them and life goes on. But not me. They have to die, one by one, in my hand; it had to be a nightmare when all I wanted was to make enough money to move.

My nerves are shot; I just screamed at Kato last night to STOP for FUCK sake!! STOP!!

I am so sick of being alone, struggling and never quite making it. Yeah I paid a lot of money to a lot of people last year but I owe that much and more still and my truck needs work desperately. I do blame JC for my financial situation and he says he tried to get me set up before we split. Its all bullshit, he did everything he could to destroy me. There was no need for me to owe Al almost $5000 and BD $2500, and all the fines I had to pay are directly related to JC. I have to go to court in Mar for tickets from July of 2010.

When I see JC I would love to be at the top of my game, doing well, looking good, happy and confident. That’s the way it used to be every time we split; I always did well without him. I always bounced back and this time I just haven’t. He seems surprised when he says “You are doing better without me” and I say I don’t think I’ll ever dig myself out of the pit I’m in.

I’ve always had men after me but this time I lost my desire to flirt; my teeth? Right now I am thinking to fix my teeth is an expense I can’t afford. Another debt to pay more pressure to produce when I can barely drag myself out the door by noon as it is.

I think that goes back to when I was with JC also. So many days I’d head out to work and the truck wouldn’t start or would break down and I wouldn’t make it to the job and lose the customer. I think back and remember the day I had a new customer and JC wanted me to stay home and help him clean out his semi trailer. That day I got punched in the head and called every name in the book and then told to go to work it was ok only to come home to find all my belongings in a muddy field and him hosing them down.

And now he comes to me saying he always loved me? And I find out he’s engaged? He even told me Saturday, “You don’t know what it was like at the farm after you left. The mice were every where, crawling on me in bed; I went and slept in the car. I had to get out of there.” Consequently he ended up moving into M’s. He says it like it makes perfect sense` like I should understand. I guess he thinks I should just find a guy with money and “fall in love” too.

The way he talks its the way people do things. Maybe some people do; a narcissist does, say whatever needs to be said, make any promises that need to be made in order to better yourself.

I know he tells people not to tell me what is going on in his life and that I won’t leave him alone. Yet he is the one showing up where he knows I’ll be. He had two facebook accounts, one that he had with hundreds of people on it where he played his pretend life and another one with only a few people on it. When we split he blocked me from the first one right away which was ok with me, I had taken him off my friend’s list long before we split because I got sick of getting all the notifications of JC just friended this woman or that women. The second one he would block and unblock me depending on what he wanted me to know. It was his way of getting to me without being obvious to anyone else. I know I should never go looking unless I am prepared to find something hurtful. I learned that a long time ago with JC. When ever I suspected he was up to something and I went looking I’d always find out it was way worse than I had imagined.

I don’t know why I can’t say good riddens to bad rubbish; be thankful I am out of it and he has someone else. I am tried to figure out why it hurts so much that I can’t think or move. I never asked that much of him and from where I stand she is getting more than what I asked for. And for him to say it was my own fault for forgiving him when he begged me back.

I want to scream and hit him and call him a SOB and say you had no right!! I didn’t deserve it I didn’t deserve having my life destroyed I don’t deserve having to struggle like this.

That’s it. That’s what I woke up thinking this morning. His sister is coming to help me clean my house today. I called her last night because I was sitting here with a bottle of pills thinking it would be so nice to just check out. I called my son and cried, sobbed, told him I love him but I know he’d blame himself if I did check out. I just can’t see spending the rest of my life struggling. I’ve really had a good life, many wonderful experiences, done lots of good deeds, had good friends, had money and the big house, partied, loved and been loved, I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. I could die tomorrow and have no regrets or feel there is something I didn’t do.

Does a person ever just reach the breaking point? A line that they cross where that one thing throws them over the edge of no return? That limit, pain limit, where you just can’t take any more period. Your spirit is broken and it doesn’t matter who comes along or what anyone does you can’t be fixed?

These God damned dogs!!! They just got in another fight. I ave so had it!!!!

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “I Am Such A Mess

  1. Hellooooo 🙂 I just woke up. (toothache) How you feeling … ? Uhm, stop seeing that boy. Are you still seeing that boy? Every time you see him or see him on facebook and all that shit, it triggers all those other memories and ads insult to injury. He’s icky woman…

    Some shelters will fix a dog for free, it won’t cost you anything at all. Do they do that by you? I don’t know whether to make suggestions or just listen…

    Like

    • Thanks MC! I just feel so broken. Like I just don’t know which way to turn. I should be out working yet can’t get out the door. I wish I could go somewhere far away but don’t know where I’d go or how I’d get there. I want to curl up and have someone put their arms around me and say its going to be ok.

      I never expected my kid to be around when he grew up, I knew he’d have to live his own life and I encouraged that. I have girlfriends but try as they might they don’t understand my kinda broke, or broken. I am not the person I was 11 yrs ago. I’ve experienced things I could have never imagined, hurt I didn’t think possible, abuse I didn’t think I’d ever tolerate. I’ve always been the type of person who bounced back; had my pity party and then went to work fixing things. But this time its been such a struggle and now with having to move again, the puppies dying, my truck needing work and JC getting engaged, I just haven’t been able to do it. Its not just because he showed up on Saturday Again or that he’s engaged and its not that I want him back. He’s unemployed again, it would be the same old story of me struggling to keep a roof over our head and him putting stumbling blocks in front of me. It isn’t one thing, its everything, its trying to build my business back up, working with inferior equipment and not being set up like I was. I can’t take the big jobs like I used to.

      I don’t have it in me to move again. God I have moved so many times in the last 10 yrs. I have had the shit kicked out of me and that’s the way I feel like someone took the boots to me and left me there to die.

      I have little victories only to get another kick just as I am getting up again. Never healing enough to really feel whole.

      I had a bunch of teeth pulled a few weeks ago and then got really sick with the flu. I have had all the teeth that needed to be pulled on one side of my mouth done. I haven’t been back for the other side because I haven’t been well enough. I still have a cough and need to blow my nose; not conducive to having someone hands in your mouth. Have you tried clove oil for your toothache? I found it works really well, tastes like shit and it will take the varnish off the table if it spills but it does kill the pain, better than Orajel.

      Am I going to clean up the mess? I debated just throwing the dishes away and buying new ones. Believe me I have never been such a slob in my life. I used to clean when I was upset. Don’t know what this is about. JC’s sister is coming tonight to help me clean.

      As gross as it sounds I have to shampoo the carpets because for two days when I was so sick I couldn’t take the dogs out so you can well imagine what it was like when I was well enough to drag myself up off the couch. I picked up and spot cleaned but it really needs to be disinfected and properly shampooed. And of course now the puppy is totally confused about where to go and Roxy went down the hall and pissed last night. I smacked her ass and put her outside but shit!! Like I need that too! Not having a yard to just let them out is a pain in the ass. My brother made me a doggie run when I had my heart attack but of course that had to be taken down because of park management.

      I have no patience with them. Too many dogs without a proper set up. Big big mistake getting Roxy.

      Anyway I better try to eat something and go make some money.

      Thanks mc. I know you’ve got your own shit to deal with.

      You’re a sweetheart! Carrie

      Like

  2. I saw clove oil at the store lsat night but I’m more familiar with orajel so I bought that instead. That stuff is … “wonderful” but I’ll go back and try it and I’ll keep it away from the furniture.

    Everyone needs help sometimes and you had an asshole in your life for a long time and your health and your teeth and these things going on and the dogs and … you know. It is a lot.

    Now… I am consistently confused as to why you keep JC or his family around in any capacity. See, it’s like this… to me and I’m not judging, but I keep thinking it’s like keeping and having a link to that idiot… I can’t shake that feeling sweetheart.

    I mean, when my ex died a chain of events led me to his sister and we had a talk 13 years later and both of us got closure. I loved them, he was the problem child of the family. BUT … now I don’t see the point, so I don’t hate them and he’s gone but there’s no real point in hanging out all that often or my speaking to them. It was what it was and now done is done.

    No I remember being this sick with an ear infection about 4 years ago, didn’t have dogs making a mess but I couldn’t move for a good 7 days, the world would spin. LOL woooeeee! that was awful.

    Come on honey… Vent. I know you got it in ya. You’re having bad run, I understand completely… but you know… THAT ASS OF YOURS! Hot damn woman! hahahaha!

    Smiling?

    Like

    • I owe Al his step dad money, I don’t call him but he likes me and calls to see how I am doing. JC’s sister lived with us for awhile and even stopped him from hitting me a couple of times. I was storing stuff for her and got hold of her a few days ago to say I’m moving and have to get her stuff to her and she happened to call back last night when I was a real basket case. REAL basket case. She offered to come out and help me clean the house and keep me company. I said no at first but I sure could use some help and company and she knows JC so I don’t have to explain anything.

      As for JC, I don’t contact him and got out of Facebook just so I wouldn’t be tempted to look him up. Then he showed up at Amix again Saturday, he never calls just shows up. I could have driven away I know that but I didn’t I was curious. I’d been having all those dreams about him and then him showing up for some stupid reason I looked on FB. And he got engaged on the 8th. And was at Amix the 11th professing his love for me.

      I guess because he posted that he got engaged and didn’t get a response he had to come down and see what was up.

      I have asked him to stay away. I don’t track him down. But as long as I haul scrap he knows where to find me.

      As for the rest of his family for sure now I am severing all ties except I still owe Al a couple thousand.

      The ass comment did make me smile btw.

      I am presently parked on the side of the road with the same fuel issue I’ve had since JC “worked” on my truck that day. Just taking some deep breathes and trying to figure out what to do.

      MC I could vent all over the place, scream at the moon, throw things, spit nails, pound my fists into his chest, shake his g/f’s head until her eyeballs rattle for being so stupid, I want to run like Forest Gump, to no where imparticular, I want to drink until I can’t stand up any more and can’t feel anything any more, I want to put an ad in the news paper and wear a sign that says, “handle with care, Fragile”. And stand on a corner somewhere and yell ” IT’s NOT FAIR!” But it wouldn’t do any good.

      I’ve never been like this before, I really am a go getter, a bouncer backer, a I won’t let the son of a bitch think he got to me kinda person.

      I just feel whipped. Like I kept trying to get up and he kept kicking me back down(and a few other people) and I’m scared now, I’m not confident, I’m not even sure I’m worthy that I didn’t cause it all myself. I keep thinking there must have been something about me that made him hate me that much. Well better go see if I can get this thing running
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

  3. He’s an idiot. (as to the other stuff) Fuck him. God bless that woman too.
    You can’t help her. You know this right? Stay out of that. Puhleeze stay out of that.

    He hates himself, therefore he puts that hatred on everyone else. He loathes who he is and since he can’t live with that, he takes it out on others, only being good for a little while to keep a person there until he does it again.

    That behavior has nothing to do with you honey. None whatsoever …

    Listen to me … people get to us. It happens, it sucks, it happens and you WILL HEAL. You were in a relationship that scrambled your very intelligent brain mind you, for 10 years. This takes it’s toll and you’re still healing honey.

    You are having a very difficult time right now and some days, it’s just like WTF … how much more can any one person take? And you’ve been sick, and you have quite a bit on your plate right now.

    You know… when I get to that whole venting want to rip things up cuz lifes not fair? I have a martial arts dummy here to let loose on. It’s very theraputic I love my dummy. 🙂 And I always feel better afterwards too. He’s not happy hahaha! What I’m saying is a good vent is healthy for you … I think.

    Oh man, how do you run out of gas all the time? Is it money … ? What I mean is, is the guage broken and you can’t tell or you forget or… it’s a shortage of cash (this confuses me, so I’m curious)

    Oh YA LIKE THAT ASS THING HUH!!!!! ????? Well look at it! yaaaaa, daz reeeeiiight, wiggle it, just a little bit, (uh oh, I forgot the rest of the words) …

    We need to get you a gas can woman!

    you’ll be okay… you will… remember (I hate platitudes but) you’ve been in worse situations and you’ve done it. You have… You did it…

    oooh MAN … roll the windows down WOMAN! Did you FART!? ugh… what is that smell! (giggle… rofl!) oooh… gawd it stinks! LOL … Oh. That was me. S’cuse me… sorry. LOL !

    Like

    • You are so funny! You made me cry and smile! My truck is on propane and no I don’t have a gauge. I used to fill up every night so I would never run out but around the time I had the heart attack money was tight and I left it for a couple of days and now I’m not sure where its at. It costs $150 to fill it so I don’t have enough. But I do carry a barbecue tank with me and a cheater hose to transfer propane over to my truck
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

      • Oh good 🙂 That was the goal to laugh I mean. Crying’s good too. 🙂 oooh you don’t have a guage! Well, see? Now that makes perfect sense.

        So… are you saying we can cook burgers on the engine or what? Cuz I’M HUNGRY! Oh… what? Now that I fogged up your truck you’re afraid to let me eat? Siiigh…

        Like

        • I should not have been out of fuel I know how far I can go. I put $80 in Surrey and drove straight home; that’s a $20 trip. This is the 2nd time I’ve run out when I knew I had enough. I think that who ever spray painted COW on my rain barrel might be opening up my tank and letting it out.

          What ever!

          Like

          • Can you get a lock for it? OH … I was going to suggest a booby trap like they’d get shocked but then it could blow the truck up. Crap. 🙂 The good news is they’d blow up too… but you need the truck more LOL 🙂

            Like

            • I have insurance on the truck but it would probably blow up a few trailers including the one I’m in and he doesn’t have insurance. It wouldn’t break my heart to see my truck blow up. Might not be able to replace it for what I’d get for it though.

              I tightened it with a wrench that’s the best I can do. There is one other thing I have to check. Big Gord rescued me when jc had fucked with it before Xmas. I was talking to him tonight and I guess he fixed one thing JC did but there was some seal or something he said might be leaking and I need a new one. It doesn’t seem to be consistent though and a leak would be but Gord’s going to check it for me next week.

              Like

  4. Lady, you don’t go through these things in vain. You can take control. You may be in the pit but at least it’s your pit. You can kick people out of your pit or let them stay and keep digging. Women like us need moments to cry and then we stand up and kick butt. Lots of love…

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s