You Can’t Be First But You Can Be Next
I thought it was a rather witty “catch” line for a personal ad, too bad it was an ad JC had placed on “Fling” looking for sex, and possibly a relationship. It is actually a very true statement. It’s a typical narcissist type statement; he doesn’t say exactly what he means by next. Next could be the next to be hurt, the next to be systematically destroyed and eventually left; lying broken, bruised and bleeding with not an ounce of pride left, begging him to tell you if he ever loved you as he looks at you with distain in his eyes, smirks and says, “Look at you? Who would want you? You’re nothing but a weak, suicidal, paranoid bitch that made my life hell”. And he doesn’t say you could be the last either. It’s like when we lived in the trailer and I needed propane to cook supper. I mentioned I had the money, he said, “I could go get propane,” I was thrilled, “Really? That would be great, while you’re gone I’ll get everything ready and when you get back I can throw it on right away, maybe we will eat at a decent time for a change.” I handed him the money and he left. His sister was staying with us at the time and after about ½ an hour she asked how far did he have to go for the propane. I said he should be back any time now. After another 15 minutes, she asked if I thought I call him to see where he was. I text messaged him, “R u going to be much longer” His reply “no”. We waited another 15 minutes and I messaged again, “R u almost home?” His reply “I’m in the barn” Me “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me you were back, did you hook up the propane?” His reply “No”. Me “well could you? Or where is it and I ‘ll do it?” His reply “what propane?” Me “the propane you went to get” Him “I didn’t go for propane” Me “I gave you money and you went to go get propane” Him “No” Me “YES, you said you were going to get propane like and hour and ½ ago” Him “No, I said I COULD go get propane, I didn’t say I WOULD go get propane”
It was a year ago Mar 3rd that he left me bleeding with out a moment of softness, not an ounce of tenderness for a love that was, not a dime to my name and a broken down truck all the while flaunting his new woman in my face and telling me how much better than me she was, how happy he was and how he was giving her all the things I had asked for and more. How he didn’t need personal ads with her didn’t need the hours of porn, and how good she was to him. A few months ago he pops up out of nowhere to apologize and tells me it was all his fault, he always loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? I said, “You told me many things, promised many things, that doesn’t make them true”. The next time he showed up he told me it was my own fault he hurt me because I kept forgiving him and taking him back.
It’s very hard to get over someone like that, you want to hate them, but you also need to know that the time you put into the relationship wasn’t for nothing. Deep down you’ve known for a long time you just didn’t want to admit it and so in a way he is right, you are to blame for your own pain. In a normal healthy relationship you always have the memories of the good times, what ever caused the break down of the relationship doesn’t void the good times, and you know there was a time that your ex loved you. With a narcissist you’re not only dealing with the end of your relationship, you are trying to get your head around the fact that he never loved you and has already moved on and appears to be extremely happy with someone else, giving her everything you loved about him and he refused to give you.
For those of you who read this and are involved with a narcissist/psychopath and are looking for some hope, just a glimmer that somehow you can save this relationship or he can be “fixed” please; no matter how much time you have invested in this relationship; run! Change your number, move away, and don’t wait for him to devalue, destroy and discard you. Walk away while you have something left of yourself to rebuild your life with.
He will not appreciate your self sacrifice or your forgiveness, there is no loyalty, if you suspect he is cheating believe your gut; he is. If he has hit you and promises it will never happen again; get away. There is never an excuse for a man hitting a woman, like my wise son said to me when I told him JC didn’t hit me anymore, “Mom, JC hasn’t stopped being an abuser, you have just learned to not make him angry, but that won’t last mom, it isn’t possible.” He was right.
The last time we got back together we talked openly about all the areas we had problems and how we could avoid repeating them, I was so encouraged and proud of how we were able to discuss things calmly, compromise, and be so realistic. I thought I had him figured out, I thought I could foresee what would anger him and be one step ahead of him. I thought I could avoid him getting angry by anticipating what would set him off, but he would orchestrate situations I couldn’t anticipate or control and I would end up getting hit. He would create reasons to be angry with me, the tension would be building and I would try to show him he was wrong I hadn’t done what he thought I had or wasn’t thinking what he thought I was but that was reason to get hit right there.
I almost looked forward to finally getting punched in the head, it didn’t hurt; not as much as the constant badgering and looks of distain. Once he hit me things would calm down for a while; until next time. Usually a loving period would follow, he might even propose. He proposed to me at least 6 times, he had at least 6 epiphanies; he recommitted to me every couple of months; every time he thought he had pushed me too far and I was ready to leave.
The only time he treated me lovingly for any length of time was during a period where I had my own place and wouldn’t let him move in but those times only gave him just cause to have personal ads and to date other women, which he did when we were together anyway. A relationship can’t go on that way, so we would split totally and he would come back after having another “epiphany” and I would think why would he bother if he didn’t mean it?
For a long time I thought there was divine intervention keeping us together, every time I’d had enough either my truck would break down or he would be injured somehow. Sure it crossed my mind that he was messing with my truck, but who would do that? I thought I must be paranoid and if I did ever tell someone my fears they would look at me like I was crazy. I didn’t want to believe it, so I chose not to. But how many times does it happen, we were split and I walk out to go to work and he is crawling out from under my truck. I ask what he is doing and he tells me he thought he saw something but it was nothing, then he tells me to pop the hood. What better way to commit a crime than right under the nose of the victim, it’s even more gratifying if you can get them to assist you. Later that day I am leaving a job site and just as I am pulling out onto the road I have no brakes or power steering. It is just a miracle I wasn’t driving down the road at the time. Now I believe THAT was divine intervention. I got the truck pulled over and upon inspection my brake line which supplies fluid for the steering and brakes has worn through and broken. It happened twice while I was with JC, co-incidence? I highly doubt it. My lug nuts on my wheels so loose I almost lost my wheels? I started locking my truck and hiding the keys (yes this was a very healthy relationship) so he couldn’t tamper with it, that’s when the lug nuts were loosened, that’s when he text messaged saying “Be careful out there” and 10 minutes later my front tire blew going 110 km/hr on the freeway in rush hour with 3 tons of scrap on the truck. Co-incidence? Once again I think it was divine intervention I was able to keep the truck on the road and up right. A young girl driving behind me stopped and came running up to see if we were ok and said, “Lady. That was awesome fucking driving!!” for those of you who don’t know what happens when you “blow” a tire on the freeway let me explain. Have you ever been driving down the freeway and seen the rubber off of a semi truck’s tire? That is what happens, usually on a back tire with a truck with dual tires, when one tire has less pressure than the one beside it the tires over heat and the one with more air pressure expands and blows up. It’s scary as hell and it sounds like you’ve been shot but you don’t lose control because for one thing it is the back and not a steering tire and you still have the other dual tire. I have asked professional drivers and other scrap haulers and no one has ever had a front tire blow, JC told everyone who would listen (thou protestith too much?) that it was little pieces of scrap metal embedded in my tire that made it blow. Scrap metal embedded in my tire would cause it to go flat, but not blow up. JC is a class 1 driver, heavy duty mechanic and extremely intelligent; quite capable of knowing exactly what to do to make a tire blow up. When he text messaged saying to be careful his sister even joked, “What? Is the front tire going to fall off or something?” and we were laughing when it blew. It blew with such force that it picked the front of the truck up off the pavement, ripped out my brake lines, destroyed my fender and severely damaged my drivers door. It is sheer luck that I was in the passing lane because when it blew it pulled me immediately to the left. If I would have been in the slow lane it would have pulled me directly into traffic. On that section of the freeway there is a very little shoulder on the road and then a steep drop, if I would have gone off the edge I would have rolled it for sure and we would have been killed or at the very least horribly injured. When I called him to tell him what had happened he said he was on his way to help; we waited 5 hours.
Another time he insisted I go pick up a car he had just bought and had been working on at a buddy’s shop. I didn’t want to do it because it meant I had to walk miles to get there, but he insisted I had to do it. He didn’t have time and it had to be picked up that day. So I walked all the way there, got the keys from the buddy and drove away. It was an extremely hilly area and almost immediately after leaving the yard there was a long steep decline with a sharp corner in the middle, just as I entered the decline I lost my brakes and steering, I was increasing speed and did the only thing I could think of and that was to throw it into park. I was ½ on the road, shaking like a leaf when I hear a car and see JC rounding the corner coming in my direction. I just got out of the car and told him to drive it and took off in the car he was driving. I thought he was too busy to pick up the car, why was he coming up at the exact time I was going down? Co-incidence? I can’t think of anyone who has ever made me angry enough that I would kill them.
Although they are often physically abusive, they usually are careful to not leave any evidence of the abuse and tend to be passive aggressive. JC rarely yelled, instead he’d quietly say things to drive me over the edge and then I’d be yelling and he’d look like the poor guy living with a raving psycho bitch. He might even seem unfazed by something that should enrage him, or you might think you have resolved a conflict only to discover days or even weeks down the road that something you treasure has been destroyed or is missing. By the time I left JC there was nothing I held dear to my heart that he hadn’t damaged in some way. He had poured antifreeze on all my photos, took treasured keepsakes I bought when my son and I went to Disneyland, a gift I got from my mother when my son was born disappeared but the container it was in was in his music room, my clothes were “stolen” twice, I had 3 vehicles stolen in 3 years, and the ones that weren’t stolen didn’t run, I lost all my furniture because the storage bill didn’t get paid, and money I had given him to get jewelry I had pawned never got to the pawn shop and I lost it, everything I own has been acquired in the last 5 years.
Narcissists/psychopaths don’t think like you and me and act like an angry toddler lashing out destroying your toys because you don’t want to play the game their way
They don’t have a conscience, and are all about appearances, creating an illusion of the perfect life. The truth does not matter to them, and whether you believe them doesn’t matter to them, as long as they aren’t forced to face the truth. JC had an elaborate 2nd life on the internet, hundreds of women on his Facebook, and famous people he bragged about “friending” him. He was telling people from his old home town in Saskatchewan that some top model in Greece was going to be the next Mrs. “JC” and that he knew 6 women on his Facebook in the biblical sense. Then there was his off line life where he didn’t come home all night, or said he was at the bank at 7 at night on a Saturday when the bank closes at 3, and had joined a singles club in Vancouver. I knew he had been fired from every job he’d ever had for stealing, I knew too much and I didn’t believe the lies any more. Not only did I not believe I was challenging him on his lies, I had gotten savy to his little tricks. I had figured out that if he came to bed and we had sex and if he kissed me goodbye and said I love you in the morning, he wouldn’t come home that night, or if he did it would be in the wee wee hours and I didn’t believe his feeble excuses. Forcing them to face their lies is a very dangerous thing to do. If they think you might expose them and their fragile orchestrated life they might feel they have no choice but to shut you up any way they can. If you die it would be your own fault.
It is so hard to believe someone would want to destroy you, let alone kill you, why? Sure when people split they may bad mouth the other person, or even slash tires or say hateful things, but who sets out to literally destroy every aspect of another person’s life; especially when they didn’t do anything but love you? Why? That is were the problem lies, don’t ask why, you won’t get an answer, because he doesn’t want you to succeed or survive with out him? he wants to keep you in his grasp and under his control. It doesn’t matter. Do you hear me? It doesn’t matter, knowing why isn’t going to change anything; he is an evil man with evil intentions and the sooner you get away the better your chances are of recovering from him and the less damage he can do. Never think you have nothing left to lose, the most precious thing you have is your soul and your self worth, don’t sell it to the devil for something you mistake for love.
I get so many people directed to my blog because they searched for the narcissist’s new girlfriend, whether it is; should I tell her he is a narcissist, to why does he treat her so much better than me, to how can he get involved and be so happy so quickly? Because it is all an illusion, a narcissist’s life is all an illusion, he changes himself to suit whatever woman he is dating, you think you know his likes and dislikes, his habits, you know him better than anyone I would be willing to bet money that most of those things have changed to what ever the new woman is into. JC was raised Christian, we prayed every meal, we prayed often, we talked about religion, the bible, we studied the mark of the beast, we attended church, yet after we split he told me he and his new girlfriend flew to visit his mother and he was so upset that she dragged them to church. He told me that he had flown all the way out there to see her not to go to church and he had been so bored and his mother had made excuses why the sermon was not as good as it usually is. I said to him, your mother is how old? In her late 80’s? And you have told me how concerned you are that she doesn’t have much time left. The congregation at her church collected money to pay for your teeth, they donated large sums of money for you when you went to Africa, the church is all your mother knows and cherishes, she has been bragging to her church friends about her son for years and you would deny her the two hours it takes for you to attend her church and allow her show off her pride and joy. You couldn’t go and fake it for two hours for your mother? You couldn’t give her that gift? Instead she felt she had to apologize to you for the service being boring?? I can’t believe you? The JC I knew wouldn’t have done that, and if you had I wouldn’t have gone along with it.
When we were together he was obsessed about one world government, the 9/11 conspiracy, we watched everything we could find on it, it was his obsession that I got pulled into. In retrospect I think he was using it to make me feel insecure and that I needed him; and it did/does scare me. I asked him the last time I saw him if he’d seen the you-tube videos about the strange noises people are hearing around the world. He looked at me like I was crazy, and told me that he doesn’t pay much attention to that sort of thing, if it’s going to happen it’s going to happen and he isn’t going to dwell on it. WTF?? How can you go from obsessed to not giving a shit in a few months? How can you go from believing in God to calling the bible a lie in a few months?
Only a narcissist/psycho can do that because they aren’t real, they have no convictions, no boundaries, no beliefs, they create and recreate themselves to suit the woman they want at the moment, or the job they want.
Even when he is apologizing some thing just doesn’t fit, his emotions aren’t quite believable, you can’t quite put your finger on it, he might be crying, his hands might be shaking, but there is something missing. That is because he is acting and because he doesn’t have empathy and doesn’t know what true love is he is just imitating emotions he has seen on someone else so the performance is hollow. Often JC would say, “I don’t know what to say about that”. That would be because he didn’t know an appropriate response, “he is not programmed to respond to that question”. He said he saw me driving past a few months ago, with Kato sitting in the passenger seat and then he stopped, and said “hummmm Huh, I don’t know what to say about that, I don’t know what I thought”. What do you mean you don’t know what you were feeling? Sad, happy, you wanted to run me off the road? What? but he honestly wasn’t feeling anything.
He doesn’t understand why I am so hurt because he has no empathy; he has never loved and lost. He had one woman leave him that he couldn’t get back and he obsessed about her for 15 yrs all the other women he has been involved with he managed to destroy.
He needed some where to live, didn’t have a job so he needed a woman with money, to him it makes perfect sense that he would find a woman who filled his requirements and tell her he loves her and become anything she wants in order to get what he wants. In his mind everyone is out for themselves and he is just playing the game better than anyone else. He doesn’t worry that he won’t be able to keep up with the false self he is presenting, he only has to do it until he has her hooked good and then he can be and do whatever he wants. Promises mean nothing.
My biggest mistake with JC was assigning him emotions I thought he should be feeling, emotions any normal person would be feeling, I assigned him morals, a conscience, and I tried to understand why he did the things he did. To be honest I didn’t even know narcissism existed and thought psychopaths looked like Hannibal Lector.
Be very careful, You might not be first but you could be next!
Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.