Just Another Day Another Drama

My big baby Kato, he watches me packing boxes and must think,”Oh God, where will we end up this time

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for their well wishes and prayers. I really appreciate every one caring so much.

I have tried to type so many posts and they all sound like a pity trip, or blaming others for my situation, or just a bunch of excuses. I don’t like sounding that way, I hate being needy and I hate being a victim.
Unfortunately because of those things I sometimes don’t make the best decisions. In my family appearances mean everything; my mom wants everyone to be happy whether they are or not. Like when they sold my trailer and she emailed me asking what was wrong; aside from the trailer issue. She didn’t connect that selling my trailer to ensure they didn’t miss out on their 8 weeks in Mexico would affect our relationship. When I was living in a rat infested hovel she took me out for lunch and bought me a $20 lipstick. It still seems like such a bizarre thing to do.

When my son called and needed money I couldn’t stand the thought of him being homeless. In my mind a parent should help their kid if they can. I was trying to help him get back on his feet; yes he had gotten himself in the position but he was trying and I had $1000 sitting in the bank. Something in my gut said don’t lend it to him and I made it abundantly clear I needed it back. I had that money sitting there all year and had still paid his cell phone bill for months, paid his child support one month. Sent him $50 here and there and never asked to be paid back but this time I knew; that was my rent money I knew winter is always slow.

I know I have myself to blame for a lot too. I have been fighting depression and not getting out of the house as early as I should. I have been self conscious about my teeth and not approached people to drum up business.

My mom and brother thought I shouldn’t have paid my debts and of course didn’t approve of me lending Kris money and in retrospect I guess they were right because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in.

I shouldn’t have taken Roxy in; that ended up costing me money not making me money like it was supposed to and now I am homeless with 2 dogs. To part with Laila now will break my heart but I can’t see keeping her. I hate to say it or think it but I can’t see keeping Kato either.

I really don’t understand why my life is like this. I am a good person, I do try, I don’t expect a lot, I am a good friend. It hurts that Barb my neighbor is stirring up trouble. Daryl called this morning and he’s ready to come and kick me out physically because she has been telling him lies. Why do people do that? I don’t want to make anyone’s life hell. I don’t expect a free ride. I just wanted to leave my furniture here for a while and she’s got him so worked up now I have to get every thing out today according to her. He said I could leave it here, but I don’t trust Barb and she’s the one who I am to give the key to.

She doesn’t have a life so she has to meddle in everyone else’s. I knew I shouldn’t have moved in here and time after time I thought I should leave but because I was trying to pay off debt I stayed. And I just couldn’t face moving again.
I don’t understand why….. Is this the way a person’s life goes when they are broke? Always dealing with drama? I don’t think I look for it. I mean having a heart attack wasn’t planned. There wasn’t much I could do about having to put a new engine in my truck and the fact that it was a shitty engine and already is on its last legs isn’t really my fault either.

I wish I could stop feeling like a failure and quit blaming myself. I wish I could show everyone how strong I am and yet I can’t seem to make myself move. I can’t call my mom, and I can’t call my kid; I don’t want him to feel guilty.

And that is why it is so important that a woman is self sufficient because right now if JC knocked on the door I’d make myself believe him again just because he would be all I have.

And everyone would be angry and not understand why I went back. Is it so hard to understand? Some times I do think I am crazy. I honestly don’t see what I did so wrong.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

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14 thoughts on “Just Another Day Another Drama

  1. Listen to me, Carrie. You are a strong person, and very brave too. You have to vent to someone about your feelings so you can let it get out of you so you can think straight. Blogging is letting it out when you share your feelings with us.
    I don’t know what’s up with family though. they take and never re-pay…then leave us without a pot to piss in when we are in trouble…seems to be that way with many families.
    You just keep your eyes on God. let Him in so He can guide you through this.
    We are here rooting for you, and I for one know you are going to pull through this. I just with you didn’t live on the other side of the country at that moment.
    Your okay, Carrie…you’re just venting!
    I love ya, Hugs, xx

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  2. Oh Carrie…..my heart aches for you and your dogs. You are NOT whining and complaining. This is your reality.

    Just my personal thoughts….keep the dogs. If you lose the dogs TOO…..well, if you are like me, you will have nightmares about it forever.

    The dogs help keep you sane and give you a reason to get up every day. They LOVE you unconditionally. How many people can you say that about?

    Your mother sounds like mine did. She has passed but I still hear her voice in my ear and still have the middlechildnevergoodenough guilt. Try to shake it off.

    I am praying for you today. It’s gonna be a tough one. But you will end up SOMEWHERE. Somewhere better.

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  3. I think your neighbor (Barb) needs a slap in the face to be brought down to reality. I hate people that always makes someone feel like shit and then makes those around them look like assholes.

    I really hope something great for you comes along to snub those who look down on you in the face.

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  4. You guys are all so awesome!! You made me cry. That’s not a bad thing. I can keep a stiff upper lip until someone shows me compassion and then I’m a blubbering idiot. I ad a texting war with Barb this morning and called her out on her lies and manipulation. She set me up! I swear she’s a narcissist too or just a bored, bitter woman who likes to make others look bad in order to make herself look good. She is always talking behind every one’s back and always knows everyone’s business. She is always looking for something for nothing too.

    I left Kato at home today and just took Laila with me (she’s a little shit machine so I can’t leave her home; she’d shit every where). I got away late and only made a couple hundred but it will be enough for fuel and a storage unit tomorrow. I told Barb I was going to work and leaving Kato to ensure my stuff was still here and accessible when I got back. No one would get in the house with Kato here alone.

    I have been packing and cleaning, damned if I am going to leave anything for her to bitch about later and I told her so. Daryl is saying I can leave my furniture and well she is too but she says she’s got friends of hers moving in tomorrow. I called out on that also, she didn’t think I had a right to know someone else was going to be using my furniture? That it would be a “friendly” thing to do to give me a heads up.

    Of course everything is my fault, she was just letting Daryl know what is going on with his property. I wish she would just screw him and get it over with its what she wants. She’s had the hots for him for years. They make a good couple. I am glad to be leaving I just wish I had somewhere to go. I forgot to mention yesterday that place I went to see and got stuck; I had told the woman I had tow dogs, Shar-pei’s; we even talked about their wrinkles and she said I could fence a bit of yard for them if I wanted. Then I was up there stuck waiting for “A” to come pull me out so I took the dogs for a walk. They were having a pee in the front of her house (I pick up poo) and she starts yelling out her window to keep the dogs moving she doesn’t want them peeing on her grass.
    Now I could see it if she had a manicured lawn but the place is a dump. I pulled on the dogs leashes and she went on about their urine attracting coyotes and she has a tree farm.

    For one this her tree farm consists of a dozen spindly pine trees over grown with blackberries; but she knew I had dogs where did she think they would pee? Just what I need another psycho that says one thing and then does the opposite.

    I am still at the trailer and I am going to get a couple hours sleep and then finish up and get a storage unit. “A” called and he might have a 21′ holiday trailer I can borrow for a while and park on a friends farm. That would be great the only problem is “A” is the married guy so I hate to accept anything but I don’t have a lot of options. See what tomorrow brings. Come on God!!

    Thank you all again! Knowing you are out there and care made it easier to get through today.
    Carrie

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    • Thanks Lexi, for sure if you aren’t crazy then I’m not crazy and if we are crazy then I’m in good company and I want to stay crazy.

      I hope you have a great Easter long weekend Lex! Did you hang your Easter stocking so the Tooth Fairy can put lots of easter eggs in it for you? You have been good haven’t you? I heard your really good (been really good) are good….. Oh hell! Have a good weekend!!
      Luv ya
      Carrie

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  5. I know you are seeing this…you came by and clicked 2 like buttons….You are silent. Please don’t shut us out, Hon. I hope to hear from you soon, Carrie. I and many people here care about you.

    Love and hugs for you, my dear friend. xx

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    • Oh Deb! You made me cry again! Thank you! You are the sweetest friend. Hey! Maybe we should have an award named that; I bet you’d win!!

      I am doing better Deb, thank you. Just been packing and trying to catch up on everyone’s site. I’ll post an little update in a bit.

      Thank you my dear friend you made my day!

      Like

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