You can see his back leg kinda pulled up; he does that when he is in pain.

You can see his back leg kinda pulled up; he does that when he is in pain.

I have started so many posts and after a couple of incoherent paragraphs gave up on them. Plain and simple; I have been going through hell and didn’t think I was going to make it back, I’m still not sure I will but I wanted to share something with those of you who have been or are involved with or you know a victim of a narcissist/psychopath; they set out to destroy/kill a person. That may sound severe or melodramatic and I have gone through a week of self doubt that brought me to me knees again and I don’t know how I will survive this latest consequence to being involved with JC. Sometimes I wish he had just killed me (my apologies to anyone who has lost a loved one at the hands of a psychopath; I don’t mean to minimize your pain) because I can’t fathom living the rest of my life this way and I can’t see a way out. One of the biggest incentive I had for not taking a bottle of pills last night was that I knew I would be giving JC the ultimate ego boost and narcissistic supply. You see, I have been researching again and once again found more evidence that they choose outgoing, confident and successful women because it is the ultimate power rush to destroy them.

I don’t know how to briefly describe my last week; it was one of the worst weeks of my life; I shed almost as many tears as I did the first week I was on my own after leaving JC; maybe I even cried more, who knows; when you are a broken person and have no where to turn and no options how do you measure the pain?

I am not even sure where I left you guys and because I don’t have the internet here at the trailer I can’t check my blog to see what I last posted about. You see I am typing this on my laptop and will transfer it to my BB and send it when I get down the hill back to civilization. I think I told you where this trailer is; out in the middle of no where. I am not ungrateful, Jim was the only person to reach out and give me any other option than homelessness but to stay here another day is putting me further in jeopardy of never recovering. It has been 6 days since I had a shower or bath; I have collected rain water and boiled it a bowlful at a time to make warm water and sponge bathed and washed my hair but that is a long process and time is at a premium these days. Time; lack of it, too much of it, the death of me.

Let me just give you a run down and I’ll start with Kato this post.

Last Friday I took Kato and Laila to the river. Kato doesn’t get near enough off leash time and has been really crippled up; old age, damage from when he was so sick years ago and being stuck in the truck so much I am sure. Any way it did my heart good to see him digging in the muck, chewing on sticks and wading in the water, especially with his little shadow Laila mimicking everything daddy did. I was just about to take a picture of them up to their shoulders in mud digging when all of a sudden kato came charging up the beach towards me with Laila right behind. I thought Kato was sucking Laila in by running to me and then he’d take off to get rid of her (she does annoy him) but he ran right past me so I thought he must have seen a rabbit. As Laila went past I stepped on her leash sending her face first into the sand and as I turned to see where Kato was off to I saw him jump and nail a young German Shepherd in the side.

Behind me had been two young guys with two German Shepherds coming down to the beach. I screamed for Kato to come but he was zoned out and ready to fight to the death, luckily I had caught Laila’s leash or she would have been in the middle of the mêlée but I was helpless to stop Kato and told the guy to kick him if he had to in order to get Kato off his dog. The two Shepherds were extremely well behaved and tried to get away but Kato was not backing down. The first guy, the brave soul, got Kato’s head between his legs and held him while the other guy got their dogs out of harms way. I put Kato in a head lock until he calmed down, he was bleeding on one side of his face but it was hard to tell what kind of damage there was.

I was so angry with him, this is the second time he has done this and the only reason I can think of is that he is protecting Laila, he never went out of his way to attack other dogs, if they approached him and were aggressive he would usually throw the first punch but this was totally unprovoked. I think too he knows he is sick and at a disadvantage physically so he is automatically defensive.

He is much too heavy to pack and I was parked a fair distance away. Once I got him far enough away from the other dogs that I was sure he wouldn’t go back for more I left him on the road and went for the truck. I put Laila in the truck and saw Kato limping towards me. I had to hook up the battery and then the truck didn’t start so I had to bang on the starter, it still didn’t start so I was checking the battery connection. Unbeknownst to me, he had come and laid down at my feet and when I went to try the truck again I tripped over him and fell on him, bruising us both. I got him in the truck and checked his wounds; nothing too serious.
I took him back to the old trailer and gave him some low dose aspirin and he slept.

The next day he could barely walk and we picked up Denise (JC’s sister) who was coming to help me move the bigger furniture and to make some money doing the Spring cleanup with me; with her in the truck he had less room to get comfortable and his pain was evident. It breaks my heart to see him like that and he appears to be getting steadily worse. I’ve heard that Shar-pei fever is made worse by stress and it seems true.

The weather has been rainy and cold which doesn’t help and lack of mobility for sure doesn’t help. The trailer we are in now is so small he has to lay down when we are there so he really is confined at all times. If there is one thing I can’t stand it is to see him suffer and I know as hard as it would be for me to give him up it would be the best for him; at least until I can get a better place to live. But who? It has to be someone he knows well and the only people he knows that well are Denise and JC. Denise can’t have dogs where she is and the thought of JC having him and Marisa taking care of him makes me ill but I can’t let my little buddy suffer. I watch him and cry every time I see him struggle to get comfortable, every time he pulled his leg straight up and looked at me with those big soft brown eyes as if to tell me he is in pain, my heart breaks. He deserves a home, Laila deserves a home; I deserve a home. But Kato has been by my side for 7 years, never complaining, faithfully taking whatever came our way, keeping me warm when we slept in the truck, keeping me safe, loving me and I am watching him suffer needlessly.
The breaking point was when Denise tried to get him to move over so she could get in the truck and he refused to budge, she gave him a gentle shove and said, “Come on Kato, move over.” And he growled, he has never growled at any body ever; I knew then that he must be in extreme pain. He is so stoic, so proud he would never show weakness but it was too much for him.

He is still with me but every one that sees him mentions he is in pain. I bought veggies last night and will try feeding him just straight vegetables for a while but I really think it is getting close to the time to say good bye. If I had a normal life and lived in a home I could make him comfortable in his final days and maybe extend his life. He doesn’t deserve to suffer; my brave stoic puppy.

When I let him out at BD now he just slowly wanders around sniffs a bit and pees a lot and then finds a warm place in the sun to lay down. He deserves to lay in the sun; he tries to follow me as I gather up the scrap from the various locations but gets too tired and will find a central spot to watch me from and when he is sure I’m done he will get up and follow me back to the truck.

I give him low dose aspirin for the pain but it upsets his stomach and he pukes. When we take walks now I have to be sure to not get too far from the truck because he’s too heavy to pack and he has a hard time. The spirit is willing but his body is giving out on him. His kidneys I think.

Sometimes I regret having Laila because she bugs him, bites him and generally just tries to taunt him to play with her. Once in a while he will but mostly he wants to lay peacefully in a corner close to me. I feel guilty he has to share my attention but then I am glad I have a little piece of him in Laila.

I don’t know how I will deal with losing him. I’ve been preparing myself his whole life because he was always on borrowed time; at least from the age of one. When he was sick back then I didn’t know his personality because I got him when he was 9 months old and already sick. When he got well I realized how active he was and not being in pain his personality came out. Now I know he must be in extreme pain sometimes just from the way he is acting, his lack of energy and enthusiasm; one thing that never changes is how much he loves me.

When we lived on the farm in Ladner he had a good life with a fenced yard, a pond full of gold fish to play in and a mice to kill. He loved James too and James was good to him (although he fed him Beggin Strips which was a definite No No) I think James loved him as much as a narcissist can love anything.

But the last year hasn’t been very good for him; I’ve been short tempered, sad a lot of the time, preoccupied, he had to share me with Roxy and Laila. We didn’t get much alone time him and I.

I laid with him on the bed last night and held him in my arms and cried. I apologized to him and he laid his head on my chest and I just stroked his belly until his breathing told me he was asleep.

When the time comes I want to find a vet who will come to the house and put him to sleep like that; peacefully in my arms, no fear.

He is what keeps me going right now, I have to stick around long enough to make sure his final days are as comfortable as possible. I hope they won’t be in this trailer. He deserves better.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck using WordPress for BlackBerry.

14 thoughts on “Kato Is Sick

  1. mysterycoach

    hey … I’m sorry he’s not well. It’s heartbreaking to love a friend that pets are… they’re like mini people. Young lady, you may not give up. I do not understand how difficult it is for you right now, I can only imagine… but you may not give up.

    You’ve come soooo far, you’re sooo almost there and you have people who care about you. I care about you 🙂 You stay.

    You seriously wouldn’t deprive the world of “Lady with a Truck” wiping the ground with the boys raking in all that dough now … wouldja? Come on NOW! I wanna be sitting back laughing like hell one day when they feature your ass on tv… and I hear it’s a nice ass 🙂 You gotta nice hinny?

    W’are’s dat hinny! Is this working… YES!!!???

    Okaaay… I’ll give you a hug and I expect not to have to worry… Squish kato for me, he’s a good boy… Laila too little stinker…

    Like

    Reply
  2. The Heretic

    Reblogged this on Words From The Heretic and commented:
    What most of us take for granted as a mere pet to have as a possession or decoration, can mean the world to someone else as their companion.
    (Hopefully I worded that correctly)

    Like

    Reply
    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      No money is why I don’t move. I had the money to move in fall, $1200 in my savings and then my son called and said his student loan was late and he was going to be homeless could he borrow $600. I had given him a few thousand already last year and never expected it back. I was making good money and always had at least $1000 put away for emergencies. But this time I said I HAVE to have it back because I have to move as soon as work slows down like next month. He promised one week. He has never let me down so I sent the money and paid his child support $250. His student loan didn’t come through and next thing I know he’s moved in with me. I paid him to work with me and do. Few things around the house but he got a girlfriend right away and was busy. After 3 weeks he got a job in Calgary and I gave him money to get there and some cash to see him through til he got paid. I thought I still had time to make it up if I really humped it. Then I had a heart attack and was supposed to take 6 weeks off but 2 days after I got out of the hospital I was working again. The 2nd day working the engine went on my truck- that was $300 for a used engine and $700 to put it in. And I was broke, the slow season hit and I am just now starting to get busy again. Then I had to move and just don’t have the money.

      My son is in Sask working but making only enough for his own expenses so I am out on the street. But this place is costing me twice if not more just in fuel.

      I am really stuck.

      Like

      Reply
        1. ladywithatruck Post author

          Lou I did up a looong reply to your question and I don’t see it anywhere. Basically no they won’t help; I make too much money and they don’t give a damn about my dogs, son or heart attack. I have dealt with them once before and swore I would die homeless under a bridge before I ever asked for help again. I was treated with such disrespect by a condescending bitch I ended up just emailing them and telling them to keep their $500.

          Not all of the people who work there are like that I am sure but I refuse to go back. SS is a joke and does nothing to help people get back on their feet. It is designed to keep you barely alive and always living in poverty.

          Like

          Reply
  3. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Carrie, I am so desperate for you. You sound in such a bad place. But when you say how much money you’ve given to your son, I just can’t help seeing you put them before you. Surely they are of age now to accept consequences. I don’t know, maybe I would do the same thing – keep Daniel afloat rather than myself – yeah, I would. Oh Carrie, my gosh. Seven years with Kato. I am glad you weren’t fined or anything as that can happen here in Australia if you have them off the leash and they attack – but I guess it was a leash free beach. Carrie, you sound so much in a bad situation. I wish there was something I could do. Carrie, God, I don’t know what to say. Please, please do keep in touch. I am really glad you made the words through your laptop & onto the blackberry. Please stay in touch. xx N.

    Like

    Reply
  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Carrie I just tried hitting subscribe. Something’s not happening. Is there any way you can check your subscribe button?

    Like

    Reply
    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Thank you Tikk, it’s one of the things I miss the most; blogging and the support and friendship I get through my blog. Hopefully soon I’ll have a place to call home where Kato and I can destress and relax.

      Like

      Reply

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.