This Isn’t Me-But It Is

Hello all, I want to thank you all for your wonderful words of support and well wishes, prayers and concern, I needed them all and still do. I hope I have replied to everyone’s comments, it took me quite a while with not having the internet where I live. I would reply to comment, hit the send button and hope they would send in the middle of the night if and when I got a connection for a minute or two. If I did miss anyone, believe me it is nothing personal, just my life situation right now.

I have started many posts about my life right now and haven’t sent many of them because for one thing I don’t have time. Not having the net at “home” and trying to do it all when I am down the hill is impossible. The dogs end up in the truck far too long and we end up getting home far too late. I end up eating fast food or pizza by the slice because I am famished which is so unhealthy but then last night I made myself a really good supper and was eating at 11 pm and that’s not healthy either.

For the blogs I follow I get an email notifying me of new posts and comments, depending how they have their settings if the post isn’t too long I can read the whole post without needing an internet connection but can’t comment, once again I sometimes comment and hope to God at some point it will send; but I have noticed that many times they time out before they get sent. I am out here reading your posts just unable to comment or “like” them at this time.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you that one day last week I had the most hits on my site ever at a whopping 572! Prior to that my busiest day was 162 hits, it was only for one day, God knows why, and I tell myself that the stats don’t matter but I was thrilled when I got one hit!! And never thought I’d get a hundred in a day let alone over 500. The thing I wonder about is the next day I had 177 hits, so what happened to those 400 hits? Now I know one person can hit a site many times right? But 400?

I try to plan my trips carefully so as not to waste fuel but that is not so easy when you don’t have cell phone service until you get down the hill and listen to messages and return calls. I am all out of clean clothes, no work clothes whatsoever so today I will have to go down to the laundry mat and will try to do some pickups at the same time. It isn’t possible for me to do my laundry during the week; for one thing I have no space on my truck for my clothes and they would get destroyed but once again there is the time issue.

Today I have to hit the bank and cash a cheque and then pay my storage bill. I have to remember to bring water home every night. I actually made a wasted trip into Amix yesterday, a costly mistake and it screwed me up financially for the weekend. I went down the hill thinking I would have more to pick up than what I did, but I ended up with a pretty good load so decided to head in, but traffic was bad and I got there 5 minutes to closing and couldn’t get my whole load off so now I can’t go back today; I don’t have enough on the truck to warrant it but I didn’t get as much money as if I would have waited until today and not gone yesterday at all. I would have saved $50 in fuel, had my full amount for my load to use this weekend and more time. Oh well, I do the best I can that is all I can do. And I actually saw a customer I haven’t seen for awhile and that made the trip well worth it. He is a really nice guy, he always thinks I work so hard and sometimes he has a little stash of copper or brass he gives me. He and I have chatted on occasion and he was always a pretty up kind of person. I don’t know exactly what happened, he told me he got really taken in a business deal and it almost cost him his business. Then with the economy being as bad as it is he’d been extremely stressed and I guess had a breakdown. So when I was talking to him in October he had said he was really struggling with depression and then I haven’t seen him since. When I saw his bay door open I went in and said Hi and asked how he was doing. He skirted the issue, saying he was fine so I just came out and asked, “Last time we were talking you were saying you were really struggling with depression and I have been concerned for you. Are things any better?”

He looked a little uncomfortable and said, “That’s embarrassing, I shouldn’t have been that open with you; I don’t know what came over me.”

I told him there was no need to be embarrassed, I’ve been battling depression myself and understand. He relaxed then and we had a good chat for about 1/2 an hour; even had some laughes. (I do have the ability to find humor in the worst situations when I am out in public and I had him laughing about me trying to drive at night in a torrential rain storm with no windshield wipers and hanging onto my door so it wouldn’t fly open) and really when you think about it; if you were watching my life on a movie screen you’d have to laugh because no one has bad luck like I do. It was great to see him and if fuel didn’t cost me so much I would have thought the day was a success from that interaction alone.

I did pick up a couple of really nice granite counter tops with slight flaws in them for free. I met a local contractor up here that does renovations using materials he barters or trades for and I am hoping he knows someone who can work on my truck and somehow we can do a trade. My truck needs work badly or one of these days I am not going to make it back up the hill and then I am really sunk.

My truck is running really rough, REALLY rough. It needs a tune up and u-joints badly. The running lights and dashboard lights healed themselves and work now after 6 months of them not working. Don’t ask me how or why, they just started to work again and along with the lights my idiot bell that tells you your lights are on started working (rather strange) it never worked before, ever! If only it could give itself a tune-up, then we’d be getting somewhere!! Oh and the driver’s door kinda half assed healed itself. It closes but not tightly so it rattles and bangs a lot especially since the truck is running so rough but at least the door doesn’t fly open when I go around a corner.

It has been unseasonably cold and raining, and raining and raining which I find very depressing at the best of times, I’m a sunshine kinda girl. I used to go to the tanning beds every winter because I would get so depressed and it always helped; of course now I can’t afford tanning. I also started to grow moles all over my body and that was scary so I quit a few years back and now do tanning lotion. I packed all my sweaters because it was supposed to be spring, I didn’t know I’d be up in the mountains and they are so bulky, now I wish I hadn’t because it’s dang cold in this trailer.

The very best part of my day is crawling into bed with my two puppies and snuggling up to their warm furry bodies. Both of them have a “lick fest” at bedtime cleaning themselves, the slurping, sucking, and gnawing can go on for what seems an eternity and then Laila will gently chew on my thumb, licking and chewing, licking and chewing until she falls asleep; like a baby sucking it’s thumb. She is a really sweet little girl; she got me in trouble at BD this week though the little bugger. She loves everyone!! And seeing as BD is mostly fenced I let both dogs off the leash when I am there. Kato doesn’t go into the warehouse unless he is with me but I let Laila off the leash, she saw people going and coming from the warehouse and she was off like a shot!!! Straight into the warehouse, spinning out in the corners, running in circles trying to say Hi to everyone. Forklifts screeched to a stopped, and everyone tried to head her off as I come through the bay door screaming “Laila!” We finally corralled her and I got her leash back on her but I heard from the plant foreman that she just can’t be running amok through the warehouse what with forklifts and such. He was very nice about it and I totally understand, I wish she understood!!! Boy can that little girl MOVE!! She gets her little body close to the ground and makes a B-line for the first person she sees (thinking of course that everyone is as happy to see her as she is them), skids to a stop and starts jumping, she knows she isn’t supposed to jump up on people so she jumps, catches herself and does a ½ flip, lands and jumps again, her little black tongue licking at the air the whole time. Everyone does love her, how could you not? Kato is much too regal and dignified to put on a show like that for affection, he stands back with his tail wagging waiting to be acknowledged.

His limp is getting worse and he really can’t walk far at all, but he still tries to play, those eyes of his are so expressive; as much as I love Laila, he is my buddy and I try to ensure he doesn’t feel left out because Laila is so cute. I have been thinking about it and I think his recent aggression is because he is getting so crippled up and wants to make sure he doesn’t get blindsided or appear weak. I think that is just natural instinct, in nature he would have the younger dogs wanting to fight him, the leader of the pack.

My storage bill comes due on the 6th, my stuff has been in storage for one month, I was going to have a place by now; I was sure I would. I have lost track of days but I think I have been here two weeks now? Or is it 3? And I am no closer to having a place than when I came up here, as I feared the fuel costs are keeping me here. I try to face each day with new optimism but it is increasingly difficult when more than ½ of what I make every day is going for fuel and I can’t save enough to fix the truck OR move. Now in the next week I have my storage bill of $90 and my truck insurance of $135 and my cell bill which is always about $100 to pay so cancel next week, I will be lucky to pull that together. I am between a rock and a hard place. Even if I loved living up here, it isn’t an option, Jim is going to want to put the trailer on his property in a month or so and then I will be right back where I started a year and ½ ago when I left JC. It is only a matter of time before the truck leaves me stuck; either down the hill or here at the trailer, either way it won’t be a good thing.

I know from the years I spent with JC how a month can turn into 6 and 6 months turns into a year and before you know it you are living in conditions that are unliveable. You have adapted yourself right into a corner. I can’t let that happen, I won’t let that happen; but it is, it has.

I hesitate to be honest because I think people are getting sick of my whining but I didn’t start this blog to be popular (did I tell you I had 572 hits in one day last week?) I started it to hopefully show it is possible to survive leaving a narcissist with nothing, and to give people insight into what a victim of domestic abuse goes through. If I am honest I will tell you, this is undoubtedly the worst 2 weeks of my life. I have never felt more defeated and alone ever, I have never felt more hopeless and helpless, I have never resented anyone more than I resent JC because he put me in this position. (ok ok I had something to do with it, I went back to him, I should have left sooner), I know all that, but still had he not messed with my truck, lied to me, hit me, etc etc if he would have just stayed away instead of lying and saying he had 6 months to live and begging me back I would not be here now. I don’t know where I would be because I had to get out of my trailer because my mom and step dad were selling it, but I am sure in wouldn’t be homeless; I was making too much money. And does it really matter why or how I got here, I’m here and the rain is “pissing” down on the tin roof, I am cold, lonely and broke and I am 54 yrs old. I keep thinking, “This is not me. This not who I am.” But it is who I am, not who I was, not who I want to be, but it is who I am and I hate it.

To be honest, for the last week every night and every morning I make the conscience decision to live or die. Driving “home” I think, I can’t do it another night, I am fighting a losing battle; just give up. But I will make it through the night, I will cry so hard and so long, thinking I will run out of tears soon, I have to, and then I will start to heal and things will get better; I exhaust myself and end up snuggling my puppies and going to sleep. In the morning I wake up to the sound of torrential rain, think about how I would love to crawl in a hot shower and can’t, I think about driving around in my beater truck all day with the rain dripping in on me and I think, “I can’t do it”. but I do, and I think about killing myself all day, debating it; it would be selfish, it would hurt Kris, do you want Kris to think that is the answer to problems? What about your granddaughter? She’s two and I still haven’t met her, I don’t even get a text message from the mom telling me if she got the gifts I sent or not, or if the clothes fit. It would fit into JC’s plans perfectly if I killed myself, he’s tried to get me to do it a few times by telling me I might as well because no man would want a paranoid, psycho bitch like me anyway. I would hate to give him what he wants yet I hate to prove his predictions right; that I can’t make it on my own and without him I am nothing; that some day I would realize all he did for me and be sorry.

I have always been resilient, or fairly so; I have often thought, “I can’t do this.” And then find a way but this time I just can’t find a way and I know I am on a dead end road heading straight for disaster. That truck is not going to last.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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7 thoughts on “This Isn’t Me-But It Is

  1. Oh Carrie….I think about you and your pups every day….your life struggle is so painful right now. I wish i could help somehow. You deserve something good in your life. I’ll continue to pray for you, that’s the best I can do, but hopefully God will watch over you.

    Like

    • Thanks! Its always nice to know people care and are rooting for me. Some times I do feel so all alone.

      My situation has gotten worse since this post but I am handling it better; I think its called “adapting”, acceptance or knowing when your beat…… I’m not too sure but I don’t cry every day any more and have been in a pretty good mood actually.

      I have some great people in my life, I’m pretty lucky that way.

      Thanks for stopping by with words of encouragement; it means a lot.
      Carrie

      Like

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