The following is a comment left by a woman named Vicky on my Guest Book page. It is so typical of life with a narcissist and she expresses herself so clearly I felt it was well worth it’s own post. Once again it is obvious no contact is the only way to end the abuse. They don’t change ever. Thanks to Vicky for sharing her story.
I haven’t changed a thing, just copied and pasted it below.
I found your site fascinating. I’ve done a ton of research myself on Ns, but it meant more to hear a personal story to fully comprehend everything I was faced with. I would love to share my story, hoping it will also help others. I was unhappily married with two children when I met “‘Mike”. My husband, myself, Mike and his wife became friends and hung out over the summer on weekends. Mike and his wife clearly noted and saw how unhappy I was and commented on numerous occasions that I deserved better. Mike would tell me that he would never disrespect his wife the way my husband disrespected me and he made me realize that there were some really great men out there and after some serious sole searching, I made the decision to end my marriage, fortunately the decision was amicable and remained that way to this day. Mike and his wife were very supportive during this time we all remained friends. Sadly a few months later, Mikes wife decided to end their long term marriage as they had grown apart and the kids were older. She asked for an amicable seperation. Mike appeared at my doorstep one night not long after, devastated, angry and upset stating his wife had kicked him out of their home, he had to live with a friend until he could get a place of his own. I am a VERY nurturing woman in general and my heart broke for him, I supported him emotionally and mentally. He told me his wife was keeping his children from him and was taking him for everything. She wanted the home, all money in accounts, full custody and he was only allowed to see the kids at her home on her time. I was disgusted by her behavior and concerned how this would affect the kids, (my ex and I share physical custody). He had me convinced his ex was a cold hearted b####. He moved into his own apartment with no furniture and slept on a cot. My heart broke so I bought him used furniture. When I first met Mike he was so charismatic, super friendly, everyone loved him. He would do anything for anyone. He was looked up to by many people. I later watched him and held him while he cried for hours on end, missing his kids, confused why his wife treated him this way. He told me prior to seperation, she conned him into signing over everything into her name, cause his finances weren’t great, so to avoid bankruptcy and losing everything, he did so. Well she then took possession of his truck, sold it. The list goes on. During this time, we had spent so much time together and I found myself really caring about this man and we started dating. Wow is all I can say. He was amazing in every way. He spoiled me lovingly, poems, messages, songs, he would hold me all night, we had an amazing sex life, loved the same things. He would do renovations on my home, he treated my kids like his own, spoiled them. My family and friends adored him. He was amazing!! I never in my life thought a man like this existed, he was truly Prince Charming. Within 3 months I was so in love with him. He had me convinced we were soulmates, meant to be together. We were inseparable, he was my best friend and I loved spending every minute with him. We would often go on double dates with friends, he easily became a part of my daily schedule. In 6 months, we found a house bug enough for all of us to join our families. At this point though she has yet to give him visitation, demanding supervised in courts. I thought she was a spoiled brat and hated that she was doing this to the kids and because Mike couldn’t afford a lawyer, and she had all the collateral, I found a great lawyer and offered to pay the lawyer. I had thought I was providing for my future and his kids were a part of that. Within a very short time of moving in together, cracks were forming. He was not the same man I knew to be happy and loving. Now he flipped back and forth between sweet, loving and supportive to angry, bitter and extremely jealous. He instantly started accusing me of having affairs with co-workers, or getting too personal with them. Having a smoke break with them was considered personal. In time it was the guy at the market, campground, male friends, lawyer, doctor…no matter how much I defended myself, I couldn’t get him to understand I would never cheat on him. He then convinced me he suffered from anxiety, admitted he was so madly in love with me, he’s older, has baggage, a nasty ex wife, 3 kids, and he was insecure and thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He was terrified to lose me. Told me he knew I wasn’t cheating but his fears were based on a “what if” scenario. Eventually he made comments about my choice of clothing, make up, hairstyle, shaving. Was I doing it for another man? Certainly not for him. I got yelled at for wearing makeup to work and nice clothes, then getting into comfy clothes and ponytail when I got home. Clearly I had no respect for him and only for my male coworkers. To make matters worse, my job required some marketing, he would berate me for looking attractive, then accusations would fly. I ended up dragging him along to most events to calm his fears. I stopped going to visit my friends alone, he always came with me,I stopped wearing makeup, styling hair. Shaved at certain times. It was easier to change that then continue to fight with him. What made it worse was in between this, he was still the man of my dreams. He would love me in ways I never thought was possible. My heart continued to melt, I was weak in the knees for him. Sometimes after we fought he would break down crying, apologize and begged for forgiveness, he had me convinced it was the stress of his very painful divorce and lack of kids that was turning him is way. He begged me to take over his divorce battle and gave lawyers permission to speak to me and have me deal with necessary paperwork. I became the person running the show. I had hoped that by taking this on my shoulders, he would be able to heal with time and will be under less stress. I then picked and chooses my time when I felt it was safe to talk to him about these issues. I paid a total of $40k to the lawyer! Mike took me on an incredibly romantic weekend getaway, he proposed and I happily accepted. We finally had all our kids together and they were adjusting and he seemed to be calmer and happier. I thought the past was behind us. I should note, we also went for couples counseling during this time to help us get through his court battle issues and our other issues. He accepted full responsibility, he convinced the therapist it was stress of his divorce. And of course, as I said above, Mike returned to a happy, loving man, so we stopped therapy. That was $150 a pop, at my cost. For a few months life was great!! We were happily planning our wedding, we had booked the hall, DJ, officiant, bought dress….even sent out the save the date cards. Within a few days of the cards going out, Mike started up again with accusations, assumptions. He would check my computer history, my phone messages, he demanded passwords to my email and Facebook. His anger started turning monstrous, I became terrified of the man I loved and couldn’t understand what was wrong or why he treated me this way. He started turning on my son, driving erratically with me in car, withheld affection, I was a shell of the person I once was and depressed, sad, a complete wreck. I finally reached out to my family and friends and they all agreed that they started to feel something was seriously different with me, and I had disappeared from them all and I wasn’t the same person. They were shocked at what they heard. I went back to therapy, this time alone. She informed me that Mike was very sick psychologically and needed to undergo a mental evaluation. She insisted I leave Mike immediately for mine and my kids safety. The next morning when he went to work, I packed clothes for me and my kids and left him. I stayed with a girlfriend for 6 weeks until I found an apartment. During this time he went between loving and dark in his messages, phone calls. I was more and more confused. I started doing research and found Narcissist. A million alarm bells went off!!! Finally I had answers. But it didn’t help ease my pain. I refused to believe he really didn’t love me the way I loved him. I was in complete denial. He continued to play games with my heart, he played the victim online and had people convinced I’d left him for another man!! Poor Mike!! It took an overwhelming amount of strength and determination to realize that a Narcissist is a sociopath and wouldn’t change. I wanted to believe he would change, but he needed time and serious intensive therapy and I had decided if it was meant to be it would find its way. So I told him I need space, let’s live apart, I will support him with his therapy but we shouldn’t have any relationship for the time being. I had hoped that he loved me enough to agree and would go to therapy. I was told all or nothing. No in between. So I said goodbye. It broke my heart, but I couldn’t do this and I knew I deserved better. As we were not legally married, I was entitled to all my possessions. 90% of what was in the home belonged to me. Remember he had nothing when we got together. I had emailed him and told him what items I would take and that I would leave him with 50% of the furniture. Neither of us could support the house we rented alone so I handed in my notice for 2 months time. He would then have to find his own place too. I went to the house one day while he was at work to get the rest of my clothes and start packing. He had changed the locks! This was illegal as the home was rented in both our names, and I had the right to be there still. He emailed me and told me that as I left him, he should not be left to have to replace anything therefore I get nothing. Suck it up!! Stunned, I spoke to a lawyer and was told my rights were as I believed, he had no legal entitlement to my furniture at all, we were not married. The next day he apologized and agreed to my terms. I booked a truck, storage room to store my furniture for one month, paid for hotel rooms for my parents and friends that came from out of town to help me move. In total this was $800. I showed up when we agreed and he barricaded himself inside and said I wouldn’t get a damn thing from him and he would not allow me in the house. I called the police this time for assistance. I explained to the officer and showed him an email from the therapist confirming the relationship was abusive and that I had to leave for safety purposes. The cop stated I was making a criminal accusation and if Mike says he was abused by me, I would have to get charged if he wanted to lay charges!!! Did i hear that right? I felt victimized all over again!! I didn’t want Mike charged, I just wanted my stuff. Sure enough Mike claimed I abused him and told cops he won’t charge me if I don’t charge him!!!! I was livid!! Worse, he convinced the cops we were legally married, without showing proof and the cop tells me this domestic matter needs to be taken through the courts. I was so angry and told the cop Mike lied and told him my lawyers advice and they said all they could do was force Mike to hand me a key to the house, BUT if I so much as took any items out I would be charged with theft!!!! The move was a bust!! Finally a week later I got a judge to sign an affidavit that I wasn’t married, and Mike was forced to hand me a key. A week later I rolled the truck in while he was at work. Got everything out and stuck to my promise of leaving him with 50% of the furniture. I knew I had won and there was nothing he could do!! Let him charge me!! He didn’t! Fast forward 2 months. I’m still madly in love with him, miss him daily and we have had no contact at all. I’ve for whatever reason forgiven him and just want to move on. I hear through a mutual friend he is in the hospital, so because I care, I went to see him. God I missed him, he cried uncontrollably, told me he underwent evaluation, it came back at severe anxiety only. He told me he had been faithfully attending therapy twice a week, knew he was to blame, showed regret, hated himself. I felt so bad for him and told him I still loved him and maybe we can work on us slowly while living apart and maintaining therapy. He was released 3 days later and I invited him to dinner, but the rule was not to talk about the past. Within days he was back in my bed, honeymoon all over again, he treated me like gold, pushed me to visit friends alone, did repairs on new place, bought groceries, new bed for my son. He went to his own place at night and accepted taking things slow. This worked great for 2 months, our kids were happy to see we loved each other to work things out. Sadly, I lost my job, laid off due to shortage of work. I knew I could not support myself and he convinced me to move back to our home. He had continued to remain in it. He promised to support me and the kids and I thought our issues were done so I happily agreed. My family would be back together. The day I moved home, I found out he had started dating a woman within 2 weeks of our seperation and although he stopped seeing her when we got back together, she flew to different province, he wanted me to accept his continued friendship with her and allow her to stay with us when in town. He started to flaunt this woman in my face, her name was constant! He admitted e joined dating sites and went on dates. I was devastated, really we had only been physically separated 6 weeks!! He talked to her daily via messaging, FB, phone calls. But then he would again accuse me of affairs, talking with men! Each day it gradually got worse! I was once again isolated, at his mercy to abuse me daily. I lost friends, they refused to listen and eventually ignored me completely. Only one friend remained, she herself was a victim of an N in the past!! I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I feared him!! He had me physically, emotionally, mentally and financially dependent upon him!! I knew my body was telling me to run that I made a huge mistake and he never will change. Once again, I needed to leave, but I’d be damned if I didn’t leave with everything at once. I had 2 days to borrow money fom family, secure truck, storage and movers and once gain, I moved while he was at work. I made a strong decision, I would rather fear the unknown, then fear living with him. I asked my ex husband to hold kids while I moved into an abused women’s shelter to save money. He agreed and respected me more and so did the kids. I Had a back up cell phone, cause I knew he would cancel the phone he gave me. I sent him one final message, he deserved everything that’s happened and I deserve better. I’m gone. Simple to the point. He started emailing me constantly. I enforced a no contact rule. I deleted without reading! I refused to be baited with his games any longer and my heart would hurt though my head was strong! He found a woman on my FB to provide him with info on me, every post. She called me fishing for info as to where I am, what happened. I knew she loved drama so I gave her false nfo. She gave it to him and he believed her! Busted! He got the phone bill of my cell and called every number I dialed asking how they knew me. He showed up at my sons game just to intimidate me. He texts me daily, emails me, emails my friends and family. I am 3 weeks free of him again and so incredibly relieved to be free of him. I’ve had to realize he is and never was real, I was just a game. Is destroyed me in many ways and it will take a very long time to heal. I will continue to search for work, save money while living in a shelter for now. It’s safer than with him. I gave him my whole heart, I want it back. In time I hope to look back and be proud f myself for realizing I was conned by the master of manipulators and I was strong enough to leave and realize I deserve better. I, like you, am determined to help others understand the complexity of an N!!
Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck