How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to my ex once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in my ex and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

317 thoughts on “How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

  1. Pingback: For New Members Of The Blog | Ladywithatruck's Blog

  2. Survivor

    The pattern of my relationship mirrors that of others experiences here. I recognised that there was something ‘missing’ in his makeup a long time ago. had I realised it was narcissism I would have walked out far sooner but I came to the wrong conclusion and believed he had aspergers due to his lack of empathy, no apparent need for physical contact amongst other symptoms. I finally decided to walk away just over a year ago when his behaviour became increasingly cruel and his rages more frequent. 20 years ago when I met him I had a lucrative career and a wide circle of friends – now my old career is in tatters and the business which we set up (my idea and with my money) is successful but has suddenly become ‘his’ and he has full control over the money. The transition of power was gradual. I left before he had everything in place for his new life and so he has done his best to make my life hell. I discovered that he had already started a smear campaign with those few friends left prior to my ending things..fortunately they did not believe him and have been incredibly supportive. They knew the real me before he arrived in my life and consequently did not believe me to be the person he was describing.
    For the past year he has done his best to make my life a living hell and prolong the divorce proceedings. He has the right to enter the marital home (mostly paid for by me but he is on the deeds) and continues to do ..infrequently but often enough to keep me from being able to relax or live my new life fully. Financially the entire episode has been a disaster for me. I had sold a business prior to meeting him and in theory should have been financially secure for life. I have discovered that he has been syphoning funds for years (we cant trace it) and by the time he takes what he is legally fighting for half of what is left there will be very little left. I am approaching retirement age and so now face a very uncertain future. I have an idea for another business but am reluctant to start it as he will want half of that too,
    Instinctively I went ‘no contact’ before realising he was a narcissist – not easy to do when he still comes to the house but I have avoided seeing and speaking to him for almost a year – and texts are ignored unless a practical issue concerning house- I try to divert all through legal channels – which is of course adding to costs. He denies having anyone else in his life – this I know is untrue and still seems to think we can reconcile or at least I will be his ‘best friend’..he has always created drama and problems…I think what he wants me for is to be his ‘cleaner upper’ which is the role I have been playing for years. I ignore all approaches to solve his new problems which he still seems to think I will be interested in. Let his new ‘partner’ sort them.
    Despite all of this I feel better than I have done in years…despite having no income and despite the game playing at least I can be ‘me’..wear what I like, say what I like and see who I want to. He no longer has day to day control. I am slowly regaining my self esteem and friends are saying that my ‘sparkle’ is returning..and that I got out before he was able to entirely crush my spirit. As hard as he tried he could not completely destroy me.
    For the first few months after I left I could barely function as I tried to make sense of what the past years had all been about and I felt an enormous sense of loss and waste. What I have realised is that even all those years ago when I met him I had niggling doubts – I ignored them or made excuses. Not a mistake I will make again!
    What this experience has shown me is what is really important in terms of friendships and relationships. Don’t spend time with people you cant just be yourself with. I have no idea what my future holds – but to hold on to a future with him would have been suicide.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Survivor, great message to all victims of narcissistic abuse!! I can relate to everything you said, near the end I lied to myself more than he lied to me. I remember praying that he would tell me a lie, any lie, so I could keep lying to myself. I was living on lies and wishful thinking.
      Like you my future is very uncertain and I am 57, not many years left to acquire some sort of security for my old age. But no matter what I have inner peace like I never thought possible and my life is 100 times better than when I was with him, I knew that if I stayed with him I was going to die; be it by my own hand or his, it was going to happen.
      Thank you for your wise words!


      1. meagan

        thank you, I am 57 too and going through this end passage, homeless, jobless, about to enter into a sub-acute mental health unit to get the help I need to try heal from 6 years of total torment that is still happening because i’m that messed up, I find I can’t stop obsessing and feeding his supply, reading all these personal stories helps heaps though as everything everyone says is so similar and it’s just so nice to know that I have not imagined all of this

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Meagan, good for you to get the help you need to heal. The abuse is horrendous and many people just try to bury it by getting involved again quickly or carrying a grudge for a lifetime. Good on you to want to do it right so you can put it behind you and go on to live the life you deserve.
          Please keep us informed on how you are doing!
          We care.


        2. Melaine

          I just turned 57. I left him and the house I bought a year and a half ago. He is living in it. We are still not divorced and he has not complied with the settlement agreement to pay me for my share of the house. I just had to hire another attorney, and I just found out he has found another victim. My feelings about this are hard to describe, but it got me back to this site and this post was a good read. Thank you Carrie.


          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Melaine, it brought you back to this site? You have been here before? With the same man or different relationship?
            It’s good you have an attorney, hopefully your lawyer is familiar with the tactics of a narcissist and won’t back down.
            The best advice I can give you is, never let them see you sweat. Cool, calm, collected, rational, deadpan, monotone, no emotion, don’t give him anything to feed off of. Let the lawyers handle it.
            Good luck!
            Hugs ❤️


  3. Sam

    It has been years and counting now. I am doing much better despite my small fears written prior to this post. It does not hurt as much anymore. I am still in 1 piece. My mind is still sane. I thought I would never reach this point. It felt like I was dying when I first found out my abusive husband was also cheating on me. But here I am, Im not dead yet. Everyday I marvel at the human spirit.

    Recently my husband wrote me telling me he loves me etc etc. EWWWW… I can say I feel numb already. I dont feel anything. IN fact I am happy that I see that it seems he is not doing well with his new girlfriend.

    Then I found out that they patched things up again. Funny I realized I felt a small kernel of feeling regarding this. WE are human after all.

    BUt I choose to ignore it and move on. After all from thinking my life was over, here I am once again. Business is good, life is generally good. I want for nothing. True I lost my dreams for a family, but I also lost a useless husband.

    It is way better than what used to be. Me in a corner huddling after getting beaten up. I refused to cry then even though my body hurt everywhere. I remember how it used to be. He’d invent some excuse to beat me up. Then when I am on the floor, he would attempt to kick me or drag me somewhere and I would crawl away soldier style.

    Me scrambling to hide whatever evidence I could get my hands on. My husband used to threaten me that no one would believe me since he is a pastor among all things. Panicking when I hear him approach. When he beat me up I would not cry. My thoughts were filled with “okay get it over with so that i could attend to my other duties at home”. I knew the drill. I just picked myself up, dusted myself and stood up again.

    Many years of doing this and I realized that everytime I allowed him to beat me up. A small part of me died that day. One day I woke up and realized I gave everything away to my useless NARC husband. NOthing but my sanity was left. There was no more wick left to burn.

    Then I found out about the women. I am not angry at them anymore. I realized they saved my life. Without them I would not have had the courage to QUIT my marraige.

    Thank you once again Carrie. Like you I believe there is HOPE after a NARC.

    True I am still watching and waiting for news that he has done it again to someone else. I may never know that but it is enough to know that he once did the same to several girlfriends before he married me. That was 20 years ago. Then he married me and that gave him license to torture me and maltreat me. So thats 30 years of maltreating women.

    What makes me think he would change 30 years of his life and ways? I think it is only the FEAR that makes me think he will change.
    Logically I am expecting another 30 years of his life doing the exact same thing to whoever is unfortunate enough to be fooled by him.

    These kinds of men need to be exposed for what they are. It does not matter how many times we tell the story of who he is. If we say it to 10 women, it is fortunate even if only 1 would believe so.

    I would have saved her life and future. It would be enough if I can help even 1 woman out of the 10. That is what your blog is doing Carrie. Everyday you help women like me.

    How I wish I had listened to his ex girlfriend. The one who came before me. She was lucky to get out. Now she is happily married with young children. I took her place sad to say. If I had listened then maybe I would have had a shot at the life she has now. How ironic.


  4. Sam


    I read your post. We have the same fears. I fear my children will end up like their father. I try my best to prevent them from seeing him. I would risk anything just so I can ensure NO CONTACT.

    My children are all 10 years below. I am anxiously watching for signs they may be narcissistic. I am not the best parent or mother. In fact I am too busy earning a living since my husband is not supporting us. He would rather spend for himself (not even for the new girlfriend) than remember that he has children to put through school.

    Sometimes it says NARCS are born out of neglect or too much praise. This is what I have noticed though. My husband grew up in a household wherein appearances were most important above anything else.

    My in laws are not NARCS. In fact they are loving towards each other. They do volunteer work, they have lots of friends. They treated me well and showed concern too every single day.

    HOwever I did notice that whenever there would be a community function, they would very casually mention or try to influence what their sons/daughter and in laws should wear to the party. What we should say about certain things. For example if someone was sick in the family, and could not make it to a society function, my in laws would call us together a few hours before the party and very politely, casually initiate a conversation aimed at REHEARSING the press release why said family member could not attend.

    I could not understand it at all. Sometimes the reason was so petty such as a prior engagement for example. But we had to rehearse that “okay its acceptable to say, said family member was sick, but it was not acceptable to say that they had chosen another party to go to”.

    Its like a spin doctor is always on call to groom us into what to say in public.

    Sometimes my in laws would tell my husband… You carry the family name. Make us proud. Act like who you are befitting your status in life.

    They always compared their kids with other kids of their numerous society friends. Ive even heard my husband ask his dad once and get a rebuff that he should keep quiet since he does not know anything anyways. BUt in public 5 minutes after, they would keep praising my husbands abilities trying to get one up on their friends. Its like comparing who had better performing kids.

    SO I DO NOT WONDER WHY MY HUSBAND TURNED OUT A NARC. HIs whole life being trained to live under pretense. That the truth was never good enough. That he always had to pretend to be more than what he was so as not to disrupt the family name. It was so common to hear words spoken such as “HEY WATCH IT, DONT EMBARASS THE FAMILY NAME”. My husbands dad would hiss ” HEY DOT EMBARASS ME”. I never understood their family dynamic. My in laws were always nice to me being the perfect daughter in law. BUt for some reason not one of their own children were good enough.

    There was even one time that my in laws bragged about me to their society friends. How good pretty and capable their daughter in law was, right in front of my husbands face.

    So its no wonder sometimes that my husband figured I was competition and he HATED my guts. He sometimes beat me up just because I was noticed and praised, not him.

    in my humble opinion, that is how to make a NARC. My inlaws loved their son more than he deserves actually. But they loved their social status more and what people thought of them was more important to them. They never made my husband feel that he accomplished something (truth of the matter is he didnt, LOL, but still as parents there should have been some small proud moments). Then I came along, much better at everything than him. There were many times my in laws mentioned how they wished I was their daughter instead of him being their son. I can only imagine that MUST HAVE HURT MY HUSBAND LIKE HELL.

    My own children sometimes do not seem to be scared of punishment. They persist in doing wrong things like small white lies or watching TV on the sly.

    BUt I also know that they are loving towards their classmates and teachers. They do not cause fights in school. I do not hear complaints about their behavior apart from talking in class.

    I get lots of little love notes from my kids thanking me for something, or telling me they love me.

    Everyday I hope I do not bring up a NARC. But really who knows how to make one?

    We can only try our best. My goal is to show a good example to my children about honesty, faith, truth and principles. Despite not having 100% time for them. Despite working weekends. When I do catch them fibbing or doing something on the sly. I always tell them that the most important is truth. So that they will not be like their father. I tell them manners and politeness is much more important than grades.

    I can only hope. But we never know for sure.

    There is so much difference in the christian environment I grew up in. My parents always told us kids, that we have no need to be ashamed for having less money than our classmates for example. As long as my parents are earning a decent honest living, and we are self sufficient.

    Whenever I had trouble in school for failing, or kids did not like me… my parents used to tell me. If those kids dont like you, then dont like them too. You dont have to pretend to be who you are not. Or if we failed in the test, my parents would say. TRY AGAIN. As long as its your best then its enough.

    So that is what I try to do for my own children. I am quite sure I am not a NARC. LOL


  5. thatlilgreekgoddess

    Thank you so much for such an amazing read ! I couldn’t be more thankful to come across it. I have a one year old with a guy who I was dating for eight years . Unfortunately I was not smart about getting pregnant because the guy has an addiction issue. I was just hoping wanting a child mutually would bring out the potential In him. What I did not realize is all of the things I would go through a year later. A month before giving birth to our son I moved out of our apartment because he would not come home on the weekends , but would be out partying . When he would come home it was “I love you . I won’t do it again . Things will be different.” When I moved out I told him that I would be back with him when he decides to stop using selling and lying to me. He lies alot and is very good at manipulating anyone . During that month I hardly heard a word from him, and later found out that he was actually already moved in with another woman and her children. But I didn’t know this… Nope. The father of my child told me that he loved me and was trying to get his life together for me and our son. And another woman would never be on his mind. While I had my son he was there with me and the family but kept nodding off. He only stayed for four hours after our son was born then left. He came back the next day to see my son and I while I was in the hospital , in his girlfriend s car, I later found out . He was telling me he loves me . There’s no other woman but that he wants to build a friendship first ! I was so heartbroken I had a feeling he was lying . My mother took care of our son all night and me , I had an emergency c section, while he was out at the bar with his girlfriend posting pictures on facebook. After the hospital he never really saw our son except when he felt like it. Which was not very often. Two months later I found out he had a girlfriend that he moved in after two weeks of sleeping with and with her poor children and living with people who deal/do coke. I found all of this out because he got caught selling drugs to cops and went to jail for a week. Landed himself with now 3 felonies. Then the battle begun and the manipulation … More amplified . Over the past year we’ve been to court and he would even bring the girlfriend! She even became the “supervisor ” at one point . Then she would show up at every single drop off and pick up . At court the father would lie to the judge by making fake paychecks and pretending to go to rehab . It was the worst time of my life. Now almost 18 months . He broke up with his girlfriend moved into a new house for two weeks. He told me how awful the relationship is and he is sorry for putting me through everything and will never put his personal life in the way of my son and I or even around it and that he wants to build a friendship with me . That he’s changed and blah blah blah. Two weeks later he’s moved back in with her and her children made the excuse that he had to because the people in his house were growing weed. Let me remind you still no REAL job. He keeps “quitting ” because of some one else’s fault other than his. I told him I don’t think I can handle going through this mess again with him and dealing with his relationship. It hurts me to deep. Whenever I say I’m not going to be around anymore is when he starts his love bombs . Semi.. o we need to be friends . I want to be there for you emotionally and financially . You never call me to ask how you are doing. My relationship with this woman isn’t that great . It really isn’t all you think it is. When I ask why he is with her then he replies because he needs to give her a healthy shot now that he’s “sober “. When I ask why didn’t he give me a healthy shot he doesn’t respond. The next week he shows up and I stop off our son at the park … Up runs a little kid! It’s his girlfriends child. I lost it . I could not hold it together. The tears instantly wanted to burst out but it turned into anger. The kid wraps his arms around the father of my child and calls for my son . I told the father of my son that’s it I’m done. I already went through this for a year not doing it again he laughed and said what’s wrong ? I explained that’s inappropriate and he knows it. He says I don’t want you to stop showing see you for the pick up. I finally grow the balls to gather people or help me finish my healing process and keep me away from him and txt the father that I will no longer be doing drop offs please meet at my friends house at this time. She lives down the road from you and I will be there right after you have left. So what does he do!? Writes me the day of … Today… And says he won’t be done with meeks until four hours later so he will call me to meet up with him when he is ready !!! When our son was six months I stopped showing up because the girlfriend would try talking to me and even started to text me when I asked her to leave me alone.. then turned into catty glares .. it was very uncomfortable and I am not yet mature enough or emotionally strong to handle any more trauma. So I left for three months until Lil ones father called me and told me how much he’s changed and that he’s a good man now and wants just me and him to do the drop offs. No girlfriends no family . So I agreed . But now its going back to square one . I don’t know what to do anymore or how to handle it all ?? It’s bad enough I can’t protect my son from an addict and his girlfriend who also does drugs but apparently is more of a drinker than coke head. I don’t know how to deal with his manipulating me anymore. And constantly hurting me. I feel like I’m finally ready to move on but can’t when I keep getting tugged back into his words. Any help ??? Advice ?? Thank you so much again. This read alone already spok to me.


    1. thatlilgreekgoddess

      O and by the way according to any of his friends or family I’m the crazy one who is keeping our child “over his head “. And when I left the apartment. He stopped paying rent because he moved into his girlfriends house , but was telling me it was all being paid for still. Little did I know I was going to be left with 2 grand in collections to this day , and it is MY fault for the collections according to his family and friends.


      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        thatlilgreekgodess, thank you for sharing your story so others can see how they are all alike and they all leave a trail of destruction behind them.
        I m sorry for what you have gone through but you are so much better off without him.
        I wish you much peace and happiness in the future.


    2. indi

      Omg. This is an exact mirror of my life. I alsi have a 13 mth old daughter with a N. Would love to get in contact with you. Im in Australia. I think it could help us both heal if we vent and share some advice. X


  6. Nicole

    So here I am 13 years later after numerous times of breaking up and getting back together…. Usually due to my ex wanting to go back to a ex. I stumbled into the idea of narcissism by chance … The other morning my now ex was showing so much love and affection to the cat and as strange as it was I realized I am not even as important as the cat . Anyway I googled why can some people show love to animals and not their partner. So I end up stumbling into your articles on your experience with your ex. It was a complete epiphany for me … My relationship mirrored yours almost exactly. Although it was upsetting to realize I could no longer stay there with someone who behaves this way a part of me was relieved. I really thought a couple weeks ago if I pushed for couples counseling that we could work through this . My ex had a very abusive childhood so I was always making excuses for the lack of emotions I received. However after reading your experience I realized these people don’t change … I then proceeded to call it quits and broke up with my ex. So I would like to say thank you for sharing your experience! I’m sure it saved me from more years of the same. Now for the hard part … Staying away for good…


  7. Hol

    Hi there,

    I have been googling for a while how to end it with the narcissist only just managed to have it end as he got himself a new supply. He has started taking her to all the places every time he made me cry would promise to take me to bring me back or he take his best friend who was a girl. He always told me I should be like his best friend. His new gf and him is the same anniversary date as what ours was. I have blocked all social media so don’t see anymore of this hoovering girl and love bombing. I have done lots of research but still find myself crying and thinking of all the cruel things he did to me. Tarnished my self esteem and confidence. Always told me how I should improve and change regular triangulation with multiple women and leaving his phone or laptop open of pictures with him with other girls always just friends or some something more. I tried to leave for over year and half but he had isolated me from everyone made me rely on him through his control and manipulation. He would cry or beg me back say his life without he can’t live without. He would always find ways to bring me back in. I am having Consuelo in. It they don’t have narcissistic abuse experience and I am on anti depressants each day takes all my energy. I live close by to him he has already done a smear campaign so not many people associate with me due to this and everyone thinks he is this wonderful guy. Always made me feel like I was never good enough I wasn’t punished with verbal and emotional abuse bullying me or punching things. Told me he would love to cave my skull in and watch the life drift from me and would laugh say it was a joke. His own family told me to leave but then say I a man crazy now and I have been made out to be this horrible person when all I did was love him and give him so much thinking it would help. I would withdraw the. He would love bomb me to bring me back. I feel like I have been to hell and back I struggle to trust my family as he told me they hate me and won’t love me. I would appreciate any help you have. I am suffering with anxiety from this abuse and barely leave my house fear of seeing him because he puts on this facade.


    1. sarah

      I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I was with my narc for 8 years. I knew in the back of my mind that things weren’t right for years but every time he hurt me he would then reel me back in with flowers, gifts, etc and then I would forgive him and everything would go back to normal. until next time. when he discarded me it was because I had cottoned on to his tactics, he became very predictable and I actually stopped playing his game. I then wasn’t meeting his supply needs because he wasn’t getting enough drama from me. To be honest I was too mentally exhausted to do it anymore!. He started showing the usual signs of having a new supply, staying out late, the silent treatment, picking endless arguments, basically being an even bigger asshole than usual. I told him i’d had enough and was off. Then of course he upped his game. Didn’t pay the rent, broke my possessions, trashed my house, told me he would love to put me six feet under. made my life an absolute misery for a month, but I suddenly decided I wasn’t going anywhere and he was! it was scary as hell but I stood my ground. I was so worried about how I would even afford to stay in my house and pay the rent and bills etc but I was determined not to move out. I don’t think he was that concerned about having to go because he already had his new supply waiting in the wings to take him in but he no doubt didn’t anticipate me staying put. Anyway, I’m still here and surprise surprise he’s now living around the corner with his new supply and I have the daily dread of bumping into him/them every time I leave my house. I live in a small village where everyone knows everyone’s business and he’s continuing his smear campaign against me which apparently he started months ago when he decided I was on my way out. I don’t know how I’m going to react when I do bump into him/them. ive gone no contact which ive found quite easy to do. however, he did turn up on my doorstep a few days into that to collect his mail [he had already arranged for his mail to be redirected a few days beforehand] so I think that was more to guage my reaction. I was so shocked to see him I was quite speechless and literally handed him his mail and shut the door in his face. not heard from him since but getting fed up of people stopping me in the street telling me how sorry they are to hear of our separation and how surprised they are because they thought we were the golden couple of the village which obviously was his intention all these years. I do feel quite strong at the moment. I have my bad days and my better days. never great days, not yet but I’m sure ill get there eventually. What I wonder is how is the best way to react when I see him/them together. ive known her for years so would normally speak to her, but he literally went from my bed to hers. she’s known us as a couple for all those years. ive no intentions of being friendly towards them or engage in conversation etc but do I ignore her completely or do I be my usual polite self and say hello? I don’t want to come across as the jealous sour pyscho ex as he’s probably portrayed me to be but I do think I’m going to struggle to acknowledge her. I’m at the point that I’m avoiding going out of my house and need to get over this!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Lierp

    I met my ex-husband on dating site OkCupid .
    He is handsome,smart, energetic,home owner,have professional career and sweet. He was everything a girl could ask for . Little did I didn’t know he is also NARCISSIST ,mama boy, greedy , controller and a slave driver.

    I wish I could understand the red flags​ sooner. Now that I looked back ,there are many red flags that I ignored and thought it was ok , he made me think that I can be a better wife for him , he can change for me and our daughter, the biggest mistake is I believe I can help him.

    On our first date he told me that, his ex-wife doesn’t like his mother to be around, because his mom needed his support and that the reason he divorced her.
    I wish I could noticed this red flags and run for my life,but I didn’t instead I felt sorry for him. He took me to his mom on 3rd dates . I thought it was sweet of him , but it was because he needed​ her approval . His mom called frequently when we were on a dates . I thought it kinda strenge,but I chose to ignored the red flags. I wish I could be smarter and run for my life then.

    Later in relationship I found out that his mom use him as her ATM , he only interested in giving her money than spend on his wife and his daughter.
    He manupulate me to live in poverty while his mom come to collect money every weekend.
    Every weekend she came ,she is the boss , she ordered where or what she wanted to do or go . He became like a 3 years old following Mommy around, but he dragged​ me with them. They spent Mommy and son times , I was there just to be ignored and invisible to them . I feel like I’m just a shadow I have no choice but following him while he is breastfeeding. They would walk fast together ahead and I would slowly follow them on my speed . He never care to look back to see where I’m at or how I did. When I was 8 months pregnant I was too exhausted to follow them so I rest . His mother gave me dirty look and harassing me for being so weak and lazy. He was on her side agree with every comments she made and they left me behind wait around near parking lot for them to come back when they’re finished​.
    When I was 9 moths pregnant they took me to see Christmas lights and she ordered to walk 5 miles in cold December night . I refused and decided to wait for the shuttle bus even by myself, they went ahead and left me alone again of course , but when they saw the shuttle bus came, they ran back to ride with me otherwise I would left alone again on a strange place ( I was Washington resident,but I moved to Oregon with him so everywhere is my first time )not one time that he ever care if I can get lost.

    When he slow on giving his mom money she would flip out on me like I have anything to do with that . I never care about his money habits with his mom because I thought it wasn’t my money, it’s his , I didn’t want to stress myself and ruin my marriage for his money.
    He spent every penny on his mom ,but he spent nothing on me or our daughter plus he keep reminding me that . It’s his house ,he put roof over my head , I didn’t work hard enough for him , I need to do this and that , worship him and his mom ….etc and still not enough , every thing I did was never good enough. I bought food for the household including his 2 international host students with my own money , I clean, I took care of host students ,I took them hang out and bought them present with my own money that I had before I met him ( I want host students to have good experience with our family in America . I also from Asia so I feel empathy for those kids) while he collecting money script for hosting put in pocket , I received nothing plus he lies his mom that he give me money from taking care host students . His mom harassing me about it even he didn’t give me any penny. plus I still own him rent , I still owe him everything. His mother complain that me and his ex-wife so lazy don’t want to work ,we suck her son’s blood. He is on her side of course. He is on momma side Everytime, he called her when he need advice on something, he can’t do anything without her approval, she harassing me he support her comments every single time. when I refused to go with them he would mad, when I go he would mad or left me behind either way they would mad at me. Damn if I do ,damn if I don’t.
    Even When I spent my own money that I saved before I met him on myself and my daughter he got flip out on me , he manupulate me to use his ex-wife belongings that she left behind . I didn’t mind to use it ,but after my daughter was born he manupulate me to use his son (with ex-wife) belongings that had been sit in garage for 12 years on my new born daughter example: baby bottles, car seat, stroller with broken straps, diapers, lotions….clothing ,shoes. etc
    I was mad, so I bought all new stuffs for my daughter with my own money that I had before I met him .
    He extremely mad at me …he threatening to drive off left me walk home and gave me dirty look and fought me a month straight .
    I ran out all my money that I had before I met him so I decided to go to work, because I need money to spend on my daughter (when I told him I want something for my daughter he would get his son belongings for me. It was so frustrated for me to request anything for my daughter) . His mother complain again that I go to work as excuse to get a break from my own daughter. She twisted everything, I just can’t do anything right .
    I went to work, his mom offered to babysit my daughter for $40 a day . I work minimum wage after taxes I take home about $60 a day. I can’t afford to pay his mom so I asked my mom to babysit for me ,my mom charge me nothing plus she offered to buy my daughter diapers with her money.
    He was so mad at me and harassing me that I didn’t give his mom a job , now it’s my fault that his mom doesn’t have a job.
    I gave him 1/3 of my paycheck to buy food for the household like I always do since I moved in.
    He fought me most night to get me quit my job , because he complained that I don’t get paid much , I was too tired for sex ….etc, to make him happy I did quit , he told me to work as a bus driver ,but I didn’t pass the CDL then he mad at me , when I have new job paid higher​ as he wants he still mad at me and fought me all night for a week straight trying to manipulate me to quit my new job and go get my low paying job back,even I told him constantly I needed sleep… I can get hurt or get fired at work or accident from lack of sleep. He didn’t care he want me to get fired .he won’t let me sleep if I don’t agree to his order. I told him he’s not a supportive husband if he hate my job that much he would hate my paycheck too , I stop giving him anymore money. Nothing make him happy, I didn’t know what he wanted . I asked him what he wanted me to do to make him happy. He told me he wants all my paycheck go to his control , I can’t spend on my daughter or myself without his approval, so I refused​ , because according to my experience with him I know he will never approve on anything . What is The point for me to go to work for? So he kicked me and our daughters out of his house , he told Host students that he will replace me with his mother , because I don’t pay him rent like host students do ,he doesn’t cares about me , I’m replaceable.
    I was crying so hard , I felt like a total looser that I failed to keep my marriage for my daughter sake, I felt it’s all my fault just like he and his mother said, I was broken mentally and physically , I was so lost , I wanted to stop crying, because I felt like an idiot to cry while he was laughing at my face,but my tears didn’t listen to me . The harder I tried to stop the harder the tear flowing . I was broken in to pieces. My mother saw that ,she got me out of that house while he laughed at us.
    When I walked in to my new apartment, I feel fresh air , I felt peace then I realized how much toxic my marriage house was. It just like I got slapped​ on my face and woke up from nightmare!! I saw light and hope for the new life that I Neve thought it would possible.
    When I told him I’m going to move out . He told me to wait till June ( later I know that June is when his mother rent agreement come up , he wanted to use me till my replacement come) he told me if I get rid of my mother and give what he wanted (paycheck),we can have a happy family again. I looked back to the past . Only one side of our relationship was happy (it was him and his mother) . I decided to left without looking back. Then he followed to accusing me of running with different man and left him /abondon him . He posted​ on social media how sad he was ,how cruel and no sympathy I was ,how I ruined our family life .
    I filed for divorced, sundenly I became his lost treasure, he wanted me back so badly ,he promised he would change, he beg and beg , he wanted to take me to counselor, only one thing he not going to change is his way with his mother. He told me he and his mother relationship was long before he met me is unchangeable , he can’t use boundaries or tell her to treat me better, I have obligations to cool myself down . I was over thinking/reacting, I was insane , I don’t understand about relationship between mother and son like, I looking for trouble s. ..etc.
    I stop talking/response to him , I know it’s over .

    He keep sucking me back in to the traps, It​ reminding me of him sucked his ex-wife back just to dumped her 2 weeks later. I know he will do the same to me . It was awkward that suddenly he can’t live without me , even though last month he told me constantly I was worthless.

    He nickel and dime me on child support, he threatening to never let me see my daughter again.
    He somehow can manage to make me agreed on bad deal ( he is very good at manupulate) but at least I now free out of his cage that he called it love unconditionally , I only required to do million things for him to stay in that cage.

    I wanted to move on with my life and my kids , but it’s not easy as I thought while he still hoovering me frequently . He never let me go even though he had dates many girls after me plus countless casual sex that he mentioned to me, he called them long-term fuck_friend s from Tinder. his Tinder account has been active the whole time he was married to me.. One of the girls I saw on his fb friends list month before we broke up . Now that I looked back she was his spare tire. he did same thing to his ex-wife. he got rid of his ex-wife and went to date his spare tire that last for 3 weeks.
    I think I will have to go counseling for my self to help me move on and pick up my broken pieces. When I see sexual picture of any kind Instead of feeling aroused I feel pain . I got flashes back from when he sexual abused me and all the words he yell at me ,how he used me as sex toy… all those spinning in my head like it was just happened . I wanted to erase those bad memory out of my head,but unfortunately it haunting me still.
    I know I deserve happy ,but I somehow still feel hurt from his manupulate technique. He is like a quick sand to me ,the more I move the more it suck.


    1. sarah

      you will feel stronger in time. its not easy and I do feel your pain. my ex narc’s mother was also a big part in our relationship. he used to see her most days and if he didn’t see her he would speak to her. she phoned us most days when we were on holiday which really used to piss me off but he always said I was just jealous because he had a mum and I didn’t! [my mum passed away years ago] he even used to facetime her to show her around our holiday apartment etc which I found very bizarre. I also noticed that when his mother spoke to me she would always turn away while I was answering making a point of making it obvious that she wasn’t really paying attention. Christmas was always a nightmare because she would always try to monopolise it and sulk for days if she didn’t get her own way. I can laugh about a lot of things now but at the time it was so infuriating. my ex has moved in around the corner with his new supply and is making sure his every move is getting back to me. I heard this morning via a neighbour [who my ex hates] that he invited my neighbour and his wife to join them at a festival this weekend that I had asked him to buy tickets for months ago and he’d said no to. obviously happy to take new supply along and making sure I know about it!. that would have upset me a few days ago but now I can see it for what it is, twisting the knife in a bit further. I hope it pisses down all weekend. What you have to remember is that yes, hes splashing the cash now and wining and dining her, buying gifts etc but he will be making a mental note of how much those goddam tickets cost him!, I am beginning to see the funny side of a lot of things now which hopefully is a sign that I’m starting to make a recovery from this hideous nightmare!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Tiana

    Hey everyone! Email___(dr.mack201 AT gmail DOT com) granted all my wishes. Thanks to dr_mack for bringing my Lover back just in 3 days! please if you want to contact him, rewrite the email on the right format


  10. A Fancy Lady

    This is a fantastic article! I feel like I have read thousands of others, most of which say pretty much the same thing. Your article was a real “ah ha” moment for me. You clearly relate to everything I have experienced with this person. This is such a healthy way to look at him, his new relationship and his “super happy” new life. Thanks for putting it into words!


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      You are welcome! I am so glad it clicked for you. It’s funny how someone can say the same thing you have read a hundred times before but just say it in a way that resonates with you. glad I could help!! Hugs Carrie



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