Not long ago a fellow named Tom commented on my page, “Playing With The Cards I’m Dealt”
He said that the victims have to look at their part in the relationship especially what attracted them to the narcissistic and why they stayed, like Tom said, “the guy didn’t pack you off, tie you up and keep you prisoner.” That is a very common opinion of people who have never experienced abuse first hand. It is a factual statement, none of us were physically shackled.
It is true that some women get involved with one abusive man after another and they really do need to look at what they are getting from that type of relationship.
But, correct me if I am wrong; most women who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic/psychopath had never been in an abusive relationship before. I am not saying the victim has no responsibility in the relationship; as I said in my Last Letter of Thanks To JC, I take responsibility for the relationship going on far too long.
So I thought I’d share in a little more detail how JC and I met and why I was so attracted to him.
I was building to that with my posts about the baby I gave up for adoption in 1975, my first husband’s motorcycle accident and my son, Kris’s birth and then got sidetracked. I really hate to leave things 1/2 done and Tom’s question has motivated me to wrap it all up.
First of all I wanted to finish up the story about my first marriage, Victor got out of the trauma unit and was in a ward for another 2 1/2 months. When he came home he still required alot of care, dressing changes, etc. He didn’t remembered any of his time in ICU. I was drained and needed nurturing myself, Victor just could not understand. My dream to have a baby I could keep and bring home to a loving family had been dangled in front of me and then snatched when Victor had his accident.
I needed to go back to work, Victor burying himself in booze, I just couldn’t handle it and we split up. We carried a torch for each other for many years and I knew I would never love anyone like I had loved Victor, in my heart he was my one true love. When Kris was 2 they couldn’t hold off any longer and I had to have a hysterectomy. I remarried, twice; the first time I knew I didn’t really love the guy but he was good to Kris and Kris needed a daddy ,(stupid of me to marry someone for that reason I know that now) before our 1st anniversary we were split because the guy wanted me to ship Kris off to his dads. I married again years later and won’t bore you with the details, but we still keep in touch and probably should have just been friends and never married.
Through the years after my first marriage broke up I went to counselling to deal with issues from my childhood, I took effective communication courses, joined a gym and over came an eating disorder, basically I worked on myself.
I had worked very hard and by 1998, at the age of 40 had $20,000 in retirement saving, a $200,000 beautiful home and an excellent credit rating. Due to circumstances beyond my control, some stupid choices on my part, a bad economy and my ex I lost everything and was starting over at 42.
I had been dating a bit, had a profile on POF but hadn’t met anyone I wanted to continue seeing and had made the decision to just be single for awhile and had not accepted any more dates. There was one fellow, a lawyer, who was very persistent about wanting to meet so I agreed to meet him for a drink. He had sent his picture but I had deleted it and only had a vague idea what he looked like. I didn’t want to admit I had deleted his picture and figured we were meeting on a Wednesday evening, how many guys would be single in the bar and looking like they were looking for someone? I was sure I’d be able to pick him out.
I had come from booking the staff Christmas party at a nice restaurant and went to wait for him at the agreed upon bar. He was stuck in traffic so I ordered a glass of wine, then another, he still hadn’t arrived so I went out on the patio to have a smoke, keeping my eye on the door should he walk in. Then a nicely dressed fellow walked in, jeans, nice crisp white shirt, black leather bomber type jacket, glasses, short tight curly hair; and he was scanning the room like he was looking for someone. I thought to myself, “He’s much better looking than I had thought.” I started to walk in his direction, I knew I was looking good. I had on a short tight skirt, 3 inch pumps that made me 6’2″ I had long sun bleached hair that I kept in a style my brother called my “FF look” (freshly fucked ) I was smiling, our eyes met and he smiled back. It must be him I thought and started to put my arms out to give him a hug but just before I got to him I realized, no!! it can’t be him! This guy is much younger and I turned and went to sit at my table. I felt like an idiot, the guy must be wondering what the hell was that all about? I was looking out the window wishing the mother ship would beam me out of there when I heard,”can I buy you a drink or are you waiting for. someone?” I turned and was looking at a man’s crotch, my eyes travelled up catching a glimpse of a slightly hairy chest where his shirt was undone, I could feel myself starting to blush and as our eyes met I stammered I was waiting for someone. He smiled and said,” I figured as much but I had to ask, have nice night” and went back to his table. “Nice bum” I thought.
I had to use the washroom and walked past his table on the way, he smiled, and kinda gave me a little wave, he seemed sort of shy. I walked past him again going back to my table but I turned and went back to his table.
Me; “I think I owe you an explanation as to why I almost hugged you and then walked away and sat down.” so I explained the whole story of how I was on this internet dating site and I was meeting this guy, had thrown his picture away and he looked like he was looking for someone but I realized he was much younger etc. We had a couple of laughs and he said something about he had been thinking about trying an online dating site but didn’t have a computer. I said I hadn’t had much luck so far and had decided to give it a rest and then I went and sat down.
When my date still hadn’t shown up I went for another smoke and had to walk past the nice bum guy again, we exchanged smiles. On my way back to my table as I walked past him he said, “I hope you’ll call me if the date doesn’t work out” and handed me a piece of paper with his number on it. Just as I am taking the paper from his hand (nice strong hands that showed he wasn’t afraid of a hard days work), my date walked in.
My date was a self centered blowhard that talked loudly, bragged about all his possessions, how much money he made, and how important he was. He put a price tag on everything and complained loudly when the food was a little slow coming. We had ordered appetizers and of course he had eaten better somewhere else. I was bored out of my mind and left as soon as possible. He was the kind of guy I would have called a narcissist at that time and a complete turn off. He seemed surprised when he said he’d call me and I said not to bother. I thanked him for dinner and hightailed it out of there. If I had been undecided about getting out of POF this guy settled it; I was done with online dating. I had met guys who were still living with their mother, guys who were “separated” but still living with their wife, guys who spent the whole night talking about what a bitch their ex was, guys looking to get lucky, guys looking for someone to cook and clean for them, I’d met psychos who fell in love on the first date and got jealous because I looked up when a guy walked in. One guy accused me of meeting a guy in the bathroom. Another guy I had only talked to on the phone wanted to come over at 11 pm and when I said no he lost it and started screaming at me, then called back to apologize and say he was grumpy because he had just quit smoking and I told him to start again. I had met guys who, even though we had met in person still wanted to chat on the internet instead of just calling and talking.
I just wanted to meet a normal hard working guy who didn’t have little kids, and didn’t have a bunch of baggage.
When I got home my son asked how it went and I told him the guy was a loser and then told him about the guy that gave me his number. My son said, “Call him”.
I said that he looked alot younger than me. My son said,”Mom, all my friends think your a milf.”
Kris: “Its true mom. Maybe you need to date someone younger, call him, what have you got to lose?”
Me: “Really ? You think I should call? Is it too late? Its almost 10.
Kris getting exasperated now: “Call!!!!”
Me: “ok!! I’ll call I’ll call.”
So I called. It rang twice and he picked up.
Me: “Hi, its Carrie calling. I don’t know if you remember me, you gave me your number tonight at the bar?”
Him laughing: “I remember. How did your date go?”
Me: ” I’m calling aren’t I.”