What Was I Thinking

I was thanking my lucky stars, I could not believe my good fortune. I had seen my girlfriends meet men who treated them like queens and wanted to take care of them and my girlfriends let them.

In the past I had been ferociously  independent and self sufficient. I had listened to my dad and mom fight about money and laid awake at night listening to my dad threaten to take my brother and leave. I never wanted to rely on a man for anything, I wanted to be able to leave if I wanted I didn’t want to give up control or more than wanted to. It wasn’t so much me giving up control I guess I was afraid of giving the man too much power over me.

I didn’t want to control the man  either; I wanted a relationship based on mutual respect, honest communication, shared interests, and compromise, great sex would be a bonus.

I dated alot, I didn’t fall for men easily and if I didn’t feel a spark on the first or second date I moved on. If a guy “fell in love” too quickly I was completely turned off. If he was too possessive or tried to monopolize my time I was out of there. I don’t like conflict and I don’t like playing games so if a guy couldn’t handle honest communication I was history. My girlfriend’s boyfriends either loved me or hated me because I was my own person and I didn’t tolerate bullshit from men. One of my friends told me whenever she stood up to her boyfriend he would  say,” You’ve been talking to Carrie again haven’t you?”

I never cared about material things, only that a guy worked, in fact I have a real attraction for men with working hands. Soft manicured hands on a man has never been a turn on for me.

I think part of it is that I am 5’10” almost 11″ and I don’t feel feminine with a guy smaller than me. When a man holds my hand I want to feel a man’s hand. Hard to explain.

My whole adult life I have had a group of girlfriends I enjoyed spending time with and I like my alone time more than most people. When Victor and I were married he worked shift work at the prison and I quite enjoyed my nights alone. We had our mutual friends but we our individual friends also. I have always liked that line, “How can I miss you if you won’t go away”.

Because I didn’t need a man and was quite capable of providing for my son and myself and because I wasn’t materialistic and I had a soft spot for the underdog I had gotten tangled up with a few guys who weren’t too motivated to work but I had never been in an abusive or controlling relationship.

I had gone straight from Victor’s motorcycle accident to being a single mom. Then my mom and dad split and my mom practically lived with me for over a year she was so devastated. I had bought and sold homes, held responsible positions at work, married a man with 4 children and been step mom to them (and loved it and them I’m not saying I didn’t but lets face it; it was alot of work and I always put 100% into anything I do), Kris had not been an easy child to raise and he was now 17 and very independent. I had been the major bread winner in most of my relationships and now I was ready to be pampered a bit. I really felt that it was MY time.

I was ready to relax and enjoy my life and enjoy a loving relationship without worrying about kids, exs, daddy weekends, school supplies, not making too much noise having sex because some little ears might hear. I was at the prime of my life and I had just met the man of my dreams and I was going for it.

JC was a little too demanding of my time for my liking but he was so good to me and I had passed up nice guys before so I fought the urge to dump him when I felt clastraphobic.

He wasn’t working (which I thought was the reason he was wanting me around so much, he was bored) but had graduated top of his class in water sewer technology and was looking for work but he always had money and didn’t mind spending it. He was always wheeling and dealing, buying things out of the Buy & Sell and reselling them, trading things; it amazed me how he could make money that way.

Sundays we would hop in the car and just take off, destination unknown. We would blitz Vancouver, stop at a pub and share a burger, visit a friend, cruise pawn shops and second hand stores. He wanted me to meet all his friends and his family. I’ve read dating advice articles on what to look for to make sure the guy isn’t hiding anything and JC was doing everything right. He had Mr answer his phone for him, took me to meet family and friends, didn’t hesitate to introduce me as his girlfriend,   he gave me a key to his apartment  so I could come and go as I pleased. He was always on time or called been if he was going to be 20 minutes late.

If he went to the corner store he wanted me along, he always wanted me along. (which annoyed me sometimes because it was only through corner store, but it wasn’t a deal breaker).

We laughed, alot, in public we played off of each other, we were in sync. I have a thirst for knowledge and loved talking to him because he knew something about every thing and he didn’t mind explaining things. We discussed the environment, the world situation, religion, things that not every one likes to talk about. We watched documentaries instead of sitcoms. He was the only man I’ve ever known to spend $500 on Partylite candles. We both loved aquariums and spent hours looking at the fish and hundreds of dollars buying fish. He found a 90 gal aquarium and we filled it with discus. Every Sunday we would buy more fish. Money was never a problem. He left me little love notes that were waiting whenever I arrived before he got home, or if he left before I woke up, he bought me flowers, and he told me he loved me often.

He was always pointing out how well we got along. He told me how it was so refreshing to be with a woman who didn’t play games and could talk about problems calmly and rationally. (when he got with the new woman he told me she was so calm and rational he could talk to her, they never fight; she was nothing like me) I had said, “I am sure she is a frickin’ saint, I don’t want to hear how wonderful she is. When she’s been with you 10 years like I have you get back to me and tell me if she’s still so calm and rational.”

He cried the first time he said he loved me, he said he had thought he knew what love was before but now he knew what real love felt like.He told me I was perfect the way I was and to never change.

He was the most even tempered man I had ever met. I am an Aries through and through so I tend to be emotional. If I get upset I let off steam and then get over it, he handled me perfectly. When I was upset about something he would pack me off to the bedroom, make me lay down with my head on his chest and he’d stroke my hair while I told him what was bugging me. Of Ncourse we would end up having sex but I always felt better. I remember laying in his arms, my head on his shoulder, the smell of him, the strength of his arms around me and thinking, “As long as we always have this, everything will be ok in the world.” I had never felt safer or more loved than I did when I laid in his arms. We slept wrapped in each others arms and would wake up in the morning exactly the same way.

Sure, he was lying to me about alot of things but I didn’t know it, (some things I didn’t find out about until 10 years later) as far as I was concerned he was incapable of lying, being unfaithful or being abusive. I was determined to not take his good nature for granted and to show him every day how much I appreciated him; not like the other women who had taken advantage of his tender heart.

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