Why on Earth did I Stay

As his hands tightened around my neck I struggled but he was much stronger than I. I felt my body go limp as everything went black. My last thought was, “He is going to feel so bad when he realizes what he’s done.”

Then I was gasping for air. I was disoriented and realized I was on the floor of the truck and scrambled to get back on the seat. I expected him to be as shocked and horrified as I was over what just happened but he put the truck in gear and stared straight ahead not saying a word.

I was numb with disbelief, I wanted him to hold me, I wanted it to not have happened because now I knew I had to make a choice. I had always sworn if any man hit me I would be gone so fast his head would spin but now faced with the situation it wasn’t  that easy. When we pulled in the driveway 5 minutes later he said, “That’s it. I want you out, its over.”

I don’t recall what I said, I know I was shocked at the fact that we were both so calm. I felt I should be angry, or crying or indignant but all I wanted was for him to hold me. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as horrified as me. I don’t recall what I said  but I’ll never forget the look on his face or the tone of his voice when he said, “You ungrateful fucking bitch I shouldn’t have stopped when I did”

I was numb, confused, this was NOT JC, he was the most nonviolent man I had ever known. Sure we’d been having problems but he never even swore when he hurt himself working on the truck. He was unflapable JC never lost control. I didn’t know this cold, distant man that just told me he should have killed me. I was sure he must feel awful, I wanted to put my head on his shoulder and have him hold me, to look in his eyes and see love and not hate. So after a few hours I went out to the shop, he was cold and pulled away from me when I went to touch him. He refused to talk to me so I went back in the house. The next morning he took the house phone with him to work and I was home alone with my thoughts.

Stress, my God, we had so many things happen in the first few months we were together and he’d always stayed so calm, distant yes but not angry and hateful. I was sure with time we could talk like we always did and work it out.

In the first 6 months we had lived together we had made the deal on the house, he had been unjustly fired from his job at the resort (I didn’t know that JC gets “unjustly” fired from every job he has and never lasts more than a few months); I was his staunch supporter and assured him we’d get through it together. He proposed.

My brother confessed to the family something I am not at liberty to discuss here but it had been extremely traumatic for my whole family especially my mom who couldn’t handle it and washed her hands of the whole situation. So it had fallen on my shoulder to be support my brother and mother. My son had gotten involved in drugs and gangs and my family told me I had loved him too much when he was a child, I had spoiled and ruined him. My mom told me to forget I ever had him. JC held me and said there was no way I could turn my back on him now.

He was on the streets some where and I was frantic to find him. My mom kept calling crying about my brother and one day I said, “You know mom I am worried about my brother too but I also have a son out on the streets some where that I am worried sick about.” and her reply was,”but your brother has so much more to lose.” I asked, “So you are saying my son’s life is not as valuable as my brother’s?” JC held me when I cried.

With everything JC’s support was unwavering.

I lost my job 3 months after we moved in and then we got news that JC’S dad had cancer throughout his body and had been given only months to live.  JC got a job and his dad died 2 weeks later, he had flown out for 2 days, worked for 2 weeks and flown back for the funeral. He had been extremely close to his dad and I knew he must be hurting but he had hardly cried or talked about it. I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  He became obsessed about how much money I was spending and insisted I owed him thousands of dollars and that is what the fight was about when he strangled me. He was wrong about the money but I was sure it wasn’t the money anyway; he was hurting and I was going to figure out how to help him.

And that’s why I stayed at first.

I was making as much on unemployment benefits as I would have working and I didn’t mind playing the role of homemaker. I didn’t know it at the time JC was disabling my vehicle; as far as I knew it had mechanical problems and when JC said I couldn’t drive it I didn’t question it. There were no buses out to where we lived and there was never any printer ink to print off resumes so I worked fixing up the house. He seemed to like having me home and would often have me ride with him in the dump truck while he worked. We always had a great day when I did and I would feel so close to him again. He brought home a dump truck load of landscaping rock then soil so I put in rock gardens and a pond, he brought home a load of sand and I shovel and raked it making a lovely sandy beach in front of our house. He came home from work and supper was ready, the house was spotless, there was always fresh baking. I would try to set the mood and have candles lit when he got home hoping he would stay inside with me and not go out to his shop. Every night it was the same, he’d come home, go out to his shop, I’d call him in for dinner, some times I would end up taking his dinner out to the shop for him, if he did come in he would go straight back out after dinner. I would put on something sexy and try to entice him to come to bed and he would pull away saying he was dirty and I would make some comment about liking dirty men. His sense of humor was gone, he would say, “I’ll be right there” I would go to bed and end up falling asleep. Some times he would crawl in to bed about 4 or 5 am and we would make love but often times I would wake up in the morning and realize he hadn’t been to bed at all and I would cry.

I come to dread times we were close and loving because it seemed after an especially loving time he would be doubly cold and cruel to counter act it. I prayed alot, I didn’t know how to reach him, he seemed like he hated me most of the time.

I talked to a girlfriend who also lived at the resort and told her I thought he hated me. She was shocked, she told me that all he ever did was speak highly of me, he bragged about my cooking and all the work I was doing on the place, she said she had seen him bringing me home flowers and I felt bad for doubting his love and decided to try a little harder not pressure him.

We would discuss money, I would think we had sorted it out but within a few days he was on me again. He stayed up all night calculating how much he spent on me and presented me with an invoice of everything I owed him right down to the 25¢ he had given me when I was short of money for a slushy.

The next time he got physical was on my birthday. He forgot my birthday and called half way through the day. I had been snarky with him and then immediately felt bad. It was a day the car was working and he had called me and told me to pick up his cheque, cash it and bring the money to the track. I apologized for being snarky and he just brushed it off. When I got to the track racing was cancelled due to rain so I called to tell him and he said to meet him at work. I got there and he seemed fine, he hugged me and was joking about forgetting my birthday and how he was going to make it up to me by taking me for dinner.

When we left the office I asked him if I should leave my car there and ride with him and we could pick it up later or should I follow him.

JC – What the hell are you talking about?
Me-Dinner, should I leave the car here and we can pick it up later.
JC – I don’t know what you are doing but I’m going to the track.
Me – racing is cancelled, I thought we were going for dinner.
JC – are you buying? I don’t have money for dinner.
Me – I’ll will go with you to the track, I got my EI today I can buy supper.
JC – Just go home I’ll see you there.

I was not going to let him ruin my birthday so I went to the liquor store and bought a nice bottle of wine and a pack of tobacco. (I rolled my own cigarettes JC always bought taylor mades). The rain had let up so I went home, poured myself a glass of wine and went out to putz in my garden. I was not going to react, I was not going to ruin my day. He walked through the door about 10 with a carton of his smokes, a 26er of rye, a cases of his favorite coolers and a look on his face that said he was itching for a fight.

JC – I see once again you took care of yourself and didn’t buy me smokes or booze.
Me – please don’t start, I don’t want to fight.
JC – You don’t want to go there because you know I’m right.
Me – just last week you told me to just buy my own smokes and you’d buy your own so that’s what I did. Please don’t do this. Not tonight.

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15 Replies to “Why on Earth did I Stay”

  1. Ohh Carrie,
    Our stories are so much the same its frightening….I feel your pain.
    I have been researching this personality type and believe they ‘choose’ us because we are loyal, a little low on self esteem so they will always be able to win, and we are committed to building a life……
    I believe that is the reason we stay so long and that is the button they push to their advantage.
    DC I will call him……was down on his luck…playing the wooo is me card and I fell for it….that poor man how could any woman do this to him, I thought….he was the most caring, loving, sensitive man I had ever met…..and I vowed to give this man a new start……sold my house, to buy one together…he had such a poor credit rating that the loan was only put in my name.
    Just after we committed to buy this place, his brother committed suicide…..I tried to be as supportive as I could be during this time as I knew him and his brother we close. He went to councilling and managed to claim a disability support pension even claiming rent assistance for this place which he had a financial interest in……warning bells for lack of conscience should have gone off then……but I worked full time in town…..travelling about 70 mile a day to and from work and would field the phone calls that he was depressed, imobilised, couldn’t cope……and could not get out of bed.
    He would be in bed when I left in the morning and very sleepy when I got home at night….so as well as working full time, I was doing all the farm chores as well. Little did I know he was on his computer during the day stalking the dating and porn sites……he should have been a hollywood actor..!!!
    Like you I tried to talk to a mutual friend only to be told that DC speaks so highly of me…..says I am his princess, he is so proud of how hard I work etc etc…..I was later to find out from a casual aquaintance that he used to bag me out something cronic…..accuse me of everything under the sun.
    I ended up giving up full time work as we were making an income around the farm and I was happy to be at home working with my man…..
    His personality had changed by this time, he now had become so much more independent and always had to go an run an erand in town…..he also became very secretive of his mobile phone….he then used to leave me on the farm and go away for weekends to horse events….citing that someone had to look after the animals…..my head was spinning……I felt I was living on shifting sands…….
    Anyway lots of things have transpired…..but when I found he had registered on a dating site using his own name, height, dob, weight etc and used the dogs name as a password….that was the absolute finish……he told me the ‘spammers’ had hacked his computer and done it…he would never do such a thing…he even looked me in the eye when he said it……
    I have thrown him out and are desperately trying to get this place sold…but the market is depressed so at best I will just have to hand it back to the bank and walk away…….with nothing…..all because I trusted a con-man and became part of his game…..
    Unless you have lived this……you could never imagine anyone could be so evil….its like a novel…..a bad dream…..but you never wake up…….
    Hugs to you
    J

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    1. L, our stories are scaryly simular! JC was not working and I was travelling an hour each way to work and same thing; the place would be a mess, he’d be on the computer when I left in the morning and I could tell he’d shower just before I got home, so I knew he’d been on the computer all day. He’d want sex the minute I walked through the door (which I didn’t mind)and I felt so bad for him because he was so depressed about not working. I heard him telling my son one time, “No matter what anyone has on you just deny, deny, deny, what can they do? never admit guilt ever.” That was a huge red flag and was very telling.

      Thanks L, Hugs back at ya.

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  2. Aw Carrie. What a truly horrifying story! But I know to truly understand, this is something one needs to experience for themselves! Low self-esteem seems to be a component, that and hoping things will get better, wanting to be wrong…I’m sorry Carrie, for what you went through with this monster! Big hugs!

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    1. Missouribeauty, thanks for the hugs. LOL those were the good old days!!! the last year I would have been happy to have those days back but by that time he had me so dependent I thought I couldn’t leave.

      It’s just a bad dream now, and I don’t have nightmares about him any more. I can look at a picture of him and not feel anything, like that song says, He’s just someone that I used to know.

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      1. I hear you! When my psychopath left, I felt horribly weak and dependent on him. I was in so much pain! And to think he never cared at all! We’ve both come a long way! I see you are in a much better place now emotionally! I’m so glad! Knowing what we know now, I think it highly unlikely we’ll ever be fooled like that again! What is clear is that we are both very strong, independent, and resourceful women! When life gets rough for us, we find a way to survive and overcome tough circumstances! I’m so glad to see you are doing better!

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  3. I’ve never heard of anybody giving someone an invoice to the person they are dating or married to. That is deplorable. I couldn’t imagine any guy/girl handing the person they are dating a bill for everything while they were dating. What an asshole.

    Did he do this before he started dating you?

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    1. I don’t know if he billed his previous women.I know he was with much older woman who was dependently wealthy for alot of years and the one he is with now has been footing the bill so far. He was very generous in the beginning and one time when I was thanking him he said all his old girl friends said he was a selfish prick. I thought that was a strange thing for him to tell me for one thing.It got so that any Sent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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      1. Is it one of those things, like a quirk, where he is at the point where he still bullshits a woman but his subconscious just unexpectedly blurts out the truth without him realizing it?

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        1. Michael, good question. Sometimes I thought he said things because he truly didn’t see anything wrong with it. Because he doesn’t have the same feelings as “normal” people he doesn’t realize when something isn’t complimentary to him. Like when we first started having sex, he was an attentive lover, we were laying in bed and he told me that I was the first woman he had ever really goof”tried” with, he said in the past he would just climb on, satisfy himself and not worry about whether the woman was enjoying it. At the time I thought it was s strange thing for a guy to admit, especially at almost 40. I thought he must be exaggerating because sex was great with him. I think he meant it as a compliment to me but it just made him sound bad. I should have taken utter as a big red flag because after a while that is exactly the way sex was with him unless he was trying to get me back.

          Another time near the very end he said that at one point I was far above any of the others. I said “others?” He said yeah, you were top on my list. I said I didn’t know I was competing.
          So sometimes he said things without thinking I think or maybe just to hurt me. Or just because he is a sick sob who doesn’t give a shit.

          Thanks for dropping by Michael good to see you. I hope you had a good summer. Had any pulled pork sandwiches lately. Oh dang i just made myself hungry. Lol

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  4. Carrie, I found this heart breaking to read. I loathe domestic abuse. I remember the days police wouldn’t respond as they regarded it as household matters. I am so glad THAT changed.

    But that women stay, this hurts. Carrie, SURELY someone having their hands around your neck in hate or anger, surely it told you ‘this is not normal, I cannot stay for this’. I don’t know, too easy for me to say, isn’t it just.

    It is incredibly painful to read, Carrie, especially as you did the beach thing out the front of your place & set the mood etc. Very very painful to read.

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    1. Noeleen, at the time, my brother had some major addiction issues, my son was on the street and I didn’t know where, my mom was a basket case over my brother and couldn’t even talk to him so I was his only contact, the only one that tracked them both down, JC’s dad had just died of cancer. I just didn’t feel I could leave at that time. I thought maybe JC was suffering because of his dad and he had lost his job a couple of months prior (I didn’t know he gets fired from every job he gets within a few months). I had been laid off from my job a few months prior also. I knew my mom couldn’t handle any more stress and I was broke with no vehicle. I thought that I would wait until everyone’s life settled down but the longer I stayed the more control he gained over me and of course he was so sweet some of the time.

      Its so hard to explain, but I just felt there must be some answer to why he changed so drastically almost over night.

      I never thought I would let a man hit me twice, the first time would be the last, but when you are in the situation it is never that cut and dried and I never told a soul for a long time and when I did tell my girlfriend she didn’t believe me because he was so loving in public and spoke so highly of me when ever she saw him, she saw him bringing me flowers and stuff. He was a totally different person behind closed doors.

      it is painful for me to read, it makes me very sad. not to lose him so much as I can relate to every woman who writes in with her story and her pain and there are so many! Now that I talk openly about it I run into people every where I go who have been abused. That these people just continue to go on to hurt more and more people leaving a trail of broken women behind them and not even give it a second thought, literally destroying lives, killing or causing a person to take their own life and not an once of guilt. they reduce a confident, attractive self sufficient woman into a puddle of insecurity. that makes me sad so very sad. I loved him so much Noeleen, I believed in him and trusted him so explicitly I really thought he must be suffering some sort of breakdown.

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  5. this post was heartbreaking, but hauntingly familar to me. thanks for having the guts to share. weird how when i read posts on this blog it gives me a sense of dejavu. on a better note, thanks for this blog. im doing much better. doing great in school, and seeing a light at the end of the long tunnel. so glad when i got to my parents i immediately enrolled in school rather than pining away chain smoking and being angry….. i have done those things, but had to keep to a minimum. please continue to share.

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    1. Thanks Julie, to write about it feels like I am talking about someone else or a movie I watched a while ago. As much as I knew it was abuse and it was happening to me I just could not believe it was happening. I know that doesn’t make sense but I think I lied to myself as much as he lied to me. I never in a million years would have believed I would ever be an abused woman.

      I am SO happy to hear you are doing better!!! School is a wonderfully positive thing to do for yourself. I enjoyed going back to school so much!! Wonderful way to start your new life, keep yourself busy, do something just for you and make lotsa money!! Love it!!
      You are going to be just fine, I know it! He’s going to be so sorry and the best part will be that you won’t care because your life is going to be so great!
      Hugs to you Julie
      Carrie

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  6. Reading these post makes me smile, I honestly thought that I was the only one things like this happen too. I have only just discovered that I have a N and I have been trying for almost two years to break the connection. It all started to unravel not long after he moved in with me and my children. He had recently lost his job and had a history of depression so me being me wanted to make things right and make him happy again, however the more I gave the more he took. Eventually my eldest son left and went to live with his father, that shattered me, my children are my world. So then the manipulating started he would tell me that he couldn’t handle my love for my children anymore it was ridiculous he was leaving. I would plead with him to stay and try to make him understand. He really couldn’t understand at all. We ended up buying a house things got progressively worse, his unpredictable moods extreme anger at the smallest things, children leaving shoes at the front door, not being able to come to a chick flick with my daughter, social media slandering. It went on for a few months one day he threw a bottle at me because I had pulled out a plant and wouldn’t tell him where it was, he told me that I had no right to pull out a plant and plant another one without his permission he flipped his lid completely because he wasn’t it control. The next day I packed up my children we left went to my mothers house. That night he tried to take his own life and told me I was responsible it was all my fault because I wouldnt come home he would keep taking pills until I came home, I didn’t however he was found before anything had a chance to do any damage. I went back 6 weeks later this time with only one of children my daughter stayed with my Mother, he told me he had changed he was seeing counsellors and was on different meds. The good N lasted 5 days then flipped his lid about not being able to spend the entire Christmas Day with me. My family didn’t want to be around him he made everyone feel uncomfortable. I stayed until March then I left again moved into my own rental property I broke his heart all over gain he had no idea he came home to an almost empty house. I had almost all of family back together again, my eldest son was visiting more frequently we were happy. Then my N followed me home and found out where we were living then it started all over again the passion the loving person the wooing it was just what I thought I needed, then bang he couldn’t get his own way, he wanted me to come home sometimes he would ask up to a dozen times a day. I kept saying no I wasn’t ready he would always ask. One day he got so angry with me because I said that he could not stay he demanded everything he had ever given me back so I obliged put it all in his car he told me that if I didn’t he would call the police and tell them I had stolen it. The next second he told me to get it all out of his car so I did this too. For me that day I had, had enough. I planned my move this time I would travel 30000 kms to get away from him and a lot of others things that had taken its toll on me. I was fantastic I felt so liberated it was great for at least a month then I found out that he had gone through mynrubbish bin and found out where I was. I ended up answering a call from him now it has started all over again. He has been to visited my children are angry and hurt they don’t understand why I cannot break the connection. I know I need to otherwise I will lose my daughter all over again. He wants to move here and I have told him it’s not a good idea however he persistently says that he wants to, he lives to love me, his life will never be complete without me. He has never hit me his abuse is emotional and he plays mind games with all the passion he has he tells me that I am beautiful and he could never love another the way he loves me. I need some help and stradegies to break this connection it is not an healthy relationship all I do is wait until the next time he can’t cope and the next time he will get angry.

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