I Feel Like Dog Doo

My good God I feel and look like crap.

Long gone are the days when I could go a night without sleep and look great in the morning. I was awake most of the night; wide awake and sitting at the kitchen table at 12:45am, 2:30am, 5:15am and then got up at 7. It is now 10:30 and I wish to God I had a shower and a strong cup of the coffee. Neither is possible due to lack of water.

Kato is only following his natural instincts but I am at my wits end with these two dogs. Kato will not leave Laila alone, if he can’t be with her he will lick the blankets where she was laying. Groooooss

Laila is hating him in a big way, in a really BIG way!! I leave him at home during the day because I can trust him to not escape or destroy the trailer but I feel terrible leaving him alone like that. I have been getting home late because , well the other night I had to grocery shop and last night I was out of town for work and then had some errands to run and of course my commute is so long because of where I live.

I had to leave Kato outside last night because Laila tried to rip his throat out and he wants to LOVE her and does not understand she is his daughter. Yuck

Anyway he was outside crying all night, whimpering at the door. At 2:30 I woke up with a killer tooth ache and got up. Laila was asleep so I closed the bedroom “door” which is a cloth bifold thingy that does nothing to keep a dog in the room.

I opened the door and Kato came in and Laila flew out under the door like the Tazmanian devil and attacked Kato. She was full on attacking and not backing down. Kato was trying to eat so the food and water dishes went flying, but he was still trying to eat the kibbles off the floor while she was trying to rip his throat out.

I grabbed her by her choker chain and she still would not let go so I smacked her across the snout. I kept her in a head lock until he finished eating and then I had to put him back outside. Laila was just vibrating and at one point I thought she might bite me but aside from growling at me she backed down. I gave her a few good smack across the snout though to show her who’s boss and I am not going to let her hurt Kato.

My poor buddy, he is so mild mannered he didn’t even try to defend himself. He doesn’t deserve that shit. If I had a place with real rooms and real doors at least I could keep them both in the house in different rooms.

Now it is 4 am the next day. I had another good day money wise so I knocked off early and spent some time with Kato. We went frog hunting and to the river for water.

Then I spent some time with Laila, all the while keeping the two if them apart. I went to my girlfriends to use the internet and left Laila in the trailer and took Kato. He was thrilled to be able to come along and was kissing me and rubbing his head on my leg. Poor little buddy.

We got home later than I had planned because I was almost home when I realized I forgot my purse at my friends and had to go back. When I opened the trailer door it took me a minute or 5 to  absorb the sight before me.

Laila had almost scratched and chewed right through the door. There was insulation and screen door every where in the trailer. She knocked my French Vanilla coffee out of my hand covering me, her and the floor with hot sticky coffee. The fruit flies should love that!!

Sigh!

She really missed me I guess. Piss. Tonight Kato is sleep in the truck.

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6 Replies to “I Feel Like Dog Doo”

  1. Carrie, I have no good advice to give because I do not “know” dogs (was afraid of them as a kid & still afraid because of their pack mentality & ability to just go crazy – THAT freaks me.

    But Carrie, I think you letting Laila “win” by having her inside with the ‘master’ and Kato being the dog in the dog house, or out in the cold, I think that actually confirms her sense of right to attack him if Kato comes inside and eats of ‘the master’s household’. I am no dog psychiatrist, but I really do believe that if you have two dogs you love equally, you treat them equally to a bed at night. I realise you don’t have the room for them to be separate, but in the least to show equality I think one should be out one night, the other the next etc. This way, it’s equal. As it is now, Carrie, it seems to me Kato is in the dog house(truck) & Laila is the Queen, and she’s defending her position as Queen, even though she’s his daughter & neither realise it (!)

    I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I felt as badly for Kato as you, & I just feel that as the thinking psychologically capable human, you need to even it up. You’ve had past posts where Kato was so awesome – & in this he was so spazzy happy to go out with you! Oh Kato, hugs from Australia!!

    Whatever, I know you’re doing your best. 🙂 N.

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  2. I am so sorry your pups are having a hard time.
    I loved mine so much. I miss them because I had to leave them with my NPD ex. I feel guilty. I feel sad that they are so attached to him now. It’s like they don’t even remember that I spent every day-all day with them. I hate that he points out their devotion to him, even though I am pretty sure he does it because he knows it hurts me. It is unfortunate that he is able to use them to keep me in contact and see him/them about once a week. I know I have to discontinue this…probably sooner rather than later….but it’s so hard. They are like my kids. I can’t separate them to take one, and even if I could, I am forced to be living with family and would not be able to keep her here (I couldn’t afford it anyway). I feel completely alone.
    I know my situation doesn’t apply to your current puppy trauma, but I guess I just wanted to say that I understand how, if you are devoted to your dogs, how much any problems and stress they go through can affect you. I hope they start to get along better:)

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  3. Twistedheart, I can tell you are really hurting and feeling very alone; I am sorry! I know how you feel and to say it gets better seems so inadequate. I went through literal hell when JC and I first split; well once I found out about the other women. I wasn’t even able ti take proper care of Kato at the time and almost gave him to my ex because I felt I was being unfair to him. But IJC didn’t want him to(thank God).

    I know you miss your dogs and it is so painful to be sway from them but believe me a dog doezn’t forget the pperson who loved them. I got Kato when get was 9 months old from an ex boyfriend, he hadn’t seen him in about 6 months when I invited my ex and his g/f for Christmas dinner. My ex, cory

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  4. Twistedheart, I can tell you are really hurting and feeling very alone; I am sorry! I know how you feel and to say it gets better seems so inadequate. I went through literal hell when JC and I first split; well once I found out about the other women. I wasn’t even able to take proper care of Kato at the time and almost gave him to my ex because I felt I was being unfair to him. But JC didn’t want him (thank God).

    I know you miss your dogs and it is so painful to be away from them but believe me a dog doezn’t forget the person who loved them. I got Kato when he was 9 months old from an ex boyfriend, he hadn’t seen him in about 6 months when I invited my ex and his g/f for Christmas dinner. When my ex Cory walked through the door Kato was so excited there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. I knew Kato loved me but there is no way he has ever forgotten Cory.

    Yes your ex is using the dogs to hurt you, JC used to do that to me, give Kato special treats and stuff to win him over and tell me “nnocently” how much Kato loved him. He was very jealous of the attention I gave Kato, plus all N’s want to tale away everything from their victim, it is so sick I know. They want you to leave with nothing not even what you had coming into you had coming into the relationship, not even momentoes that mean nothing to them.
    You said yourself; you know this has to end; it is very unhealthy for you to subject yourself to this abuse, you are prolonging your recovery. I know I kept in contact with my ex longer than I should have and it resulted in us getting back together more than once. I am really sorry now; the abuse got so much worse and I wasted another 5 years. I would have been over him long ago if I just would have bit the bullet the first time or at least 2nd time we split. I had no idea the damage he could do to me.

    It is a decision only you can make; but there is only one way you will ever be happy and that is to walk away. With a N there is no other options; continue being abused; with it getting steadily worse and you losing more and more of your self OR save yourelf , start the healing process and live again, be happy, confident, laugh have joy in your life He can not, won’t, and isn’t capable of fixing you even though he is the one who broke you.

    Any crack you leave open he will use to hurt you and feed his ego.

    My dogs are getting along again. Laila is out of heat and thing re back to normal.
    God how I wish I could pack you up and put you to work to take your mind off hour troubles even for a few hours.

    Please stay in touch I am praying for you.
    Carrie

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  5. Carrie,

    Thank you so much for being so kind and helpful. I feel like I am posting too much on your site, but it’s kind of the only place I can go where I feel like somebody might understand. People don’t understand why I can’t just move on and get over it. I mean, it’s only been a month and he and my dogs were my constant companions for over 2 and 1/2 years. Nobody understands why its so confusing and complicated. I find myself going over things in my head and wondering what my responsibility was. He never hit me. He was often kind and loving. Unless he wasn’t…..if that makes sense. He lied and still won’t admit to the lies. He still lies. He calls me and I know he lies to me…even though he doesn’t have to now I don’t know if he truly believes he is in the right about everything and really believes that it’s all my fault, or if he realizes everything that he has done. As twisted as it is, I so badly want him to realize what he is losing (even if I never talk to him again), because I know I was good to him. I know I loved him with all of my heart. I wish he would understand that I deserved better and that I would have trusted him whole-heatedly if would only stop giving me reasons to not trust him. I wish he would see that the woman he hurt me for was cruel to me and is obsessed with him and not a good person. I know I can wish all I want, but that he probably won’t ever get it..even if he says he does.
    I am supposed to house/dog sit for someone in his neighborhood for the month of November. It seemed like a good idea when I agreed to it. I would be out of my family’s house for a month and get to live with their sweet dog, too. There really is a hole in my life without a pup. I am committed to doing it. The more I think about it, the more I think that it will be harder than I realize. He is there. I will have to see the horribly cruel person he hurt me (she lives basically across the street and I had to see her daily when I lived there) for walking around, being smug. I want to find a way to make the best of it and intend to do so, but it will probably be difficult.
    Anyway, I apologize again for my self-involved, long winded posts. I hope you will forgive me. I hope you know how much I appreciate you and your words.
    I am so thankful that your pups are getting along. Give them big hugs and cuddles:)
    Thank you Carrie.

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