Healing Crisis

There is something every one healing from narcissistic abuse should be aware of; I had one commenter call it a healing crisis. I can’t think of a more fitting name for it.

It is a phenomenon that happens to a person when they are recovering from an extremely traumatic event. We have all heard how the mind will block out extremely traumatic events. They find it happens often with young children who have been abused, they have no recollection of the abuse but later in life; as an adult something, perhaps the birth of their own child will occur and they are flooded with memories. They go to a psychiatrist because they think they are having a breakdown and don’t know why.

The same thing often happens with victims of domestic violence. You were in a situation you felt helpless to leave, you were confused, afraid and feeling trapped. Plus the narcissist was using alot of the same techniques used for years on prisoners of war to brain wash them and torture them into submission.

Your mind only allowed you to absorb as much as it thought you could handle.

You might find that as you heal more memories will come to the surface. You will be feeling like you are over the worst of it, feeling like your old self, not even missing him, laughing again, you’ve gotten the spring back in your step and then it happens. Out of the blue you have a dream about him, or watch a movie, or see him drive past or maybe read something here and all of a sudden you are in the pits of despair again.

You can’t believe it; you are no better than you were when you first left him. You are crying all the time, can barely function, you are flooded with memories of him again. You feel crazy again and if you don’t know what’s going on you panic. You had been doing so good and now you’re back sliding, you fear you will never heal and he will haunt you forever more.

What is happening is a healing crisis, your mind is allowing you to feel those emotions you weren’t strong enough to handle up until now. Its a very important step in your recovery, if you don’t deal with those feelings they will lay dormant and could pop up at any time in the future.

Try to just allow the feelings to surface, cry, get angry, whatever you have to do to release them and know this will pass. I have gone through several; the first time I was afraid it meant I wasn’t making any progress at all but I have found that every time I go through one I feel so much stronger and lighter when it passes.

It feels like slodging up to your waist through thick mud; you can barely move your legs and it takes forever. But as you go through it the mud thins and by the end you are in fresh water and the sun is shining.

So rest assured you are not having a breakdown, it is all very normal, you are healing and that is a good thing!

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19 thoughts on “Healing Crisis

  1. omg, thank you, you have just assured me that i am not mad, even though i have no feelings for ns anymore, i occasionally get flashbacks of the so called good times, then i feel guilty,

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  2. I had a dream about N last night.

    I cried all day Sunday, only once Monday and part of the day today. My goal is to cry less and laugh more (isn’t that everyone’s goal? lol).

    I did think that I was a having another breakdown. I just couldn’t really MOVE today. I was numb, crying, numb, crying. Family is in town and mad it worse (they didn’t do anything personally, but I am not in the mood for company). But as the hours tick by and as a read more of your blog I feel stronger.

    I am not 100% and probably won’t be for a while, but I am not under a blanket in a dark room crying anymore.

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    • Yikes! I wanted to pop in and say I read and approved all your wonderful comments last night but didn’t get a chance to reply. I hate having to approve all the comments but was forced into it because my ex was coming in under different names and leaving nasty comments. Chuck, Fatbastard, and Norma were some of them, but after a person has been approved once, then their comments aren’t moderated and will appear right away.
      Thank you for all your comments! I appreciate the input, and I will respond to each one tonight after work.

      I hope you are having a better day today.
      I am so glad you found something useful here!

      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. So, I have been posting a lot the last couple of days. I apologize if I have been posting more than my fair share. I do not mean to take over any discussions by any means. I have just needed to talk to people that understand. It has been a rough couple days. I can’t even put my finger on why exactly. I do know that the first day, when I allowed myself to think about things too much and started to look at pictures of my dog (and yes, a few of him)…I should have known that he would text me that day. I can always feel it. It is never anything intimate or caring. It is always something casual. I mentioned on another topic that he texted to tell me someone was ill. I responded for the first time in a month in a half to say thank you for letting me know. He texted me again today to give me an update on her. I texted him back to say that I spoke with her after I saw his text. My reason for texting him was to let him know: 1: I knew he exaggerated her situation just to get a reaction. 2: I spoke to her for myself, bc she is my friend and I don’t need his updates. Of course he then texted me to let me know that he was just updating me as to what the situation was today. Actually, I was glad he texted me again. I don’t ever want to be the last one that texted. I always want him to be the last one and for me to have ignore it. I don’t plan on responding again. It just brings up everything. I have been crying hard for the last couple of days. Really depressed and I hate it! I hate that Ii allow him and her to do this to me. I hate that I want to go visit my friends for a weekend and I will have to worry about bumping in to him. I hate that i would be so close to my puppy and not be able to see her. I hate that he made everything this way. I am just really sad right now and I don’t know why it hit me so hard. I assume this is normal? I hope?

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    • Yes, it is normalNo, you haven’t been commenting more than your share Yes, you have every right to feel the way you doYes, he used your friend being sick as an excuse to contact you. JC did the same thing about 6months after I moved out. He text messaged me to tell me the house on the property where we lived burned down in the middle of the night. There was a family living in it with two young children and he said he heard the kids had died in the fire. Of course I immediately replied. It turned out that yes the house burned down but everyone including the dogs got out safe.Not only is it a good reason to contact you it also puts them “in the know” and you out of the inner circle. I think you are going through a healing crisis, it feels like you have made hardly any progress in your healing, but in actual fact you will find in a day or two when you finish slodging through the swampy quagmire you’ll feel lighter and like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.I can’t really explain why it happens except it is part and parcel of healing, processing more of the hurt and pain you buried. It is healthy and important to your healing to go through these stages.I have had several but not for many many months maybe even as long as a year.You know, I know you are sick of hurting and you wish it would just stop already; but really it hasn’t been that long and you’ve come so far. You really have. Lol I read your comments to people sometimes and I have to chuckle because you are saying the same things to them that I said to you when you first started coming here. And I know you doubted the no contact thing, but who preaches it now? Just teasing you, give yourself a hug for me.Love yaCarrieSent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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          • I am still very sad. The minute I stop doing anything that occupies my mind, I want to cry. I got up early this morning to go to a job interview. I looked at my computer as Ii usually do. Looked at emails and facebook. Right there on the newsfeed I saw that the N posted a picture of my dogs ( 2 dogs at 140lbs each) cuddled and sleeping on the same dog bed this morning. They were precious and it felt like I was punched in the gut. All of these people liking the picture…commenting. Other than him, I am the only person it means anything to…and I can’t even say anything. What can I say? It sucks. A lot. Not a great start to the day.

            On a rare positive note- I did land the job I interviewed for. This is a good thing, as it will lead to me having some money and hopefully getting my own place…and eventually getting a puppy. I am happy about it, but I also feel disappointed in myself. I just thought I would be in such a different place in my life by my mid 30’s. I had so many dreams. I even had a pretty good career a few years ago and was living in the city I always dreamed of living in. Here I am now- broken in pieces and starting over in the city I grew up in (that I never wanted to live in again , except it is nice being close to family). Grateful to be getting not a career…but just a job. Making less than I ever did …feeling very alone. My dreams that I had my entire life have faded into just trying to have a normal life. Please don’t misunderstand- I am very grateful that I have a job- this is good. I am just disappointed in myself..my life. Then again, ever since I left “J”, I have had a hard time figuring out what will make me happy, bc I can’t think of much that will. Maybe a puppy to call my own…at least that’s a start? But I am a long way from that. In any case, it’s a step forward, right?

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            • i get lonely sometimes but i am at the poing now where my heart and soul and mind accepts what he is and it all was a fake from day one. this has taken since june 08 of this year when i was thrown out. you have no idea how many books i have read, how many emails i have sent myself of copies of posts from recovery from narcissism websites ( i have a file) i still have to read sometihing every night. i feel angry sometimes but the best cure is to concentrate on yourself and no contact. yes, it hurts that i meant that little to him ( aafter 11 year marriage) but my narc books give me a reality check.

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              • It’s only been since September since I left.

                I was going through my drafts in my emails looking for something and I realized how many emails I wrote to some friends and my mom within the last year and a half of our relationship that I never sent. I didn’t speak to anyone about what was going on in my life. Sometimes I wanted to, and I would write an email, but never send it. Towards the end, when I did tell my mom a few things (but I was trying to not let on to how bad things were…bc if things did work out…and I told anybody the truth about what was going on…everybody would hate him and there would be no coming back from that). I found a few emails that I never sent to her that I found really sad. Basically, it was me backtracking and protecting him…..even apologizing to my mom for putting any worry on her…apologizing for making him seem bad. It is just heartbreaking to me to read. I was so utterly alone all that time. He broke me everyday and I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t want to betray him and I protected him and us because I always had hope that things could get better…that I could be better..that he would be the man I fell in love with. It makes me really sad.

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                • Twisted, I protected my ex also, because if it did work out I didn’t want my family hating him. My mom hated him from day one and my family has never been terribly supportive so I just kept it all to myself. Until we broke up the first time I never told anyone anything; no one. Then when we split I told my family but when I went back to him I never told anyone anyone any thing ever again.But he would always accuse me of bad mouthing him. He would say,”you must have told them something or they would n’t hate me so much”. You never tell them the good things I do. But I did; I wanted my family to like him. I know now that the reason he accused me of talking shit about him was because he was talking shit about me!Sent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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            • Twisted, congratulations on your new job! I totally understand where you are coming from when you say you aen’t where you thought you would be by this age.As you know I struggle with where i am at all the time but we have to keep our head held high and look forward not back. If we hadn’t met our ex’s who knows where we would be;We’ll never know. We will always think our lives would have turned out so much happier but maybe not or maybe there is a purpose to everything that we just aren’t aware of yet.I just know that I can’t keep beating myself up for things I should have done differently and wishing for things to be different. I want desperately to move out of this freezing hell hole I am living in and almost every morning I think to myself that I CAN NOT do it one more day; but somehow I find the strength and you will too. I do believe you and I and all the women and men here can he happy again if we just don’t give up and believe in our selves.This job might just be the stepping stone to something better; maybe not more money but maybe more fulfilment or maybe you will end up using your experiences to help others.This is just the start of much days ahead.HugsCarrieSent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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  4. […] Please, be kind to yourselves, be patient, there is no “right” way to griev e. We can’t compare ourselves to anyone else. We all  suffered be ause of the cold heartedness of a narcissist/psychopath and they all follow almost the same exact m.o. But we are not empty like the narcissist who copies other people’s reactions and emotions. We are all individuals with our own history, baggage, scars, insecurities and personalities so how we heal is as individual as each of us is. As a rule of thumb I would give anyone 2 years to feel healed enough to want to date again, not dream about the N or cry any more. I am not saying totally healed at 2 years but certainly well on the way. Prior to 2 years I would not be concerned unless there was NO progress being made. I temd to be more concerned when a victim of “heals” too quickly. The worst thing a person can do; in my opinion is to start dating prior to 2 years. To start dating too quickly because you think it will help you recover or to tbink you can bury your feelings and move on (like so many people encourage the victim to do) only increases the victims chances of repeating history and compounding the problems. You have to deal with the feelings and emotions in order to heal. Just like a broken leg, if you remove the cast too soon, jog when you should be walking with a cane you are only going to do more damage and take longer to heal, and probably injuring yourself worse. Hugs Carriehttps://ladywithatruck.com/2012/09/26/healing-crisis/ […]

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