Ten Mistakes I Made

1) I stayed.
Months after I left he came to me and apologized, said he always loved me and he hadn’t wanted me to move out and THEN said “You know it’s kinda your own fault I
hurt you, most women would have told me to F off long ago.” So in other words all those times he begged me to come back, professed his love and admitted that he knew hitting me, personal ads, and not treating me with respect were wrong; and the last time he came to me
saying he had 6 months to live and the last few years he had felt me holding back and not letting him get too close and he was ready to make a full commitment to me
if I would commit to him, was all bullshit and I should have kicked his sorry ass to the curb. Well I figured that out on my own thanks anyway A-hole, tell me something I didn’t know.

2) I believed him when he apologized. (see above)

3) I was willing to look at my part in the problems we were having.
If he pointed out some flaw or trait of mine he was unhappy with I was willing to try to change. I was always able to find some area that I thought I could try harder; until the last time we split, after 10 years there was nothing more I could do that I hadn’t done. I had put 100% + in.

4) I assigned him emotions.
Like guilt, shame, love, morals and conscience, that he didn’t and never would possess.

5) I underestimated how truly evil he is.
When my truck broke down every time I had something special to attend or whenever we fought I suspected he had something to do with it. Like when I was to attend a Mother’s Day event at my son’s church in Vancouver and when I went to leave in the morning the hood of my truck was up and there were tools on the ground beside it and my stomach flipped. I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I didn’t, I broke down 1/2 way there and then he made me wait 5 hours before he rescued me and made me feel guilty because no other man would come rescue me like he always did.

6) I gave up control of the money and my independence. thinking it would make him happy.
In the beginning he say ” Just worry about your own needs, I always provide, don’t I? I always pull a rabbit out of the hat don’t I?” Later I would be handed an invoice for every dime he had ever spent on me and was badgered incessantly for payment. As payment he took my TV, computer and I eventually sold my car just to shut him up but then he just made up amounts that I owed him and we fought about that.

7) I doubted my own instincts and gut responses.
Like the first time I found a personal ad looking for casual discreet sex and had my bags packed and was walking out the door and he cried and said, ” I thought our love was stronger than this, I didn’t think you would just walk out the first sign of trouble.” or when he had come to me saying he’d been given 6 months to live and promised total honesty and we discussed every area we’d had problems and he owned all of it. We made love and he made me repeat over and over that I knew he loved me. When I cried and said I didn’t think I could handle him being away trucking because I didn’t trust him and he held me and cried and asked me to just give him time to prove he could be trusted. All the while he was living with another woman in another province and had only hidden his profile on POF. My gut was telling me don’t believe him. Every time I called and he didn’t answer but would text message me saying he was busy and would call later and when he was with me he wouldn’t answer his phone and then text someone. When I mentioned something about it and he said I was ruining the relationship with my suspicious mind, I told myself to take him at his word, I had promised to give him time to prove he was being honest and fought the suspicions that would well up inside me and drive me all but crazy and sometimes did drive me crazy.

8) I didn’t have him charged when he assaulted me.
What was I thinking? that he would be grateful? realize how much I loved him and stop trying to sabotage our relationship.

9) I believed he could change.
I didn’t want to change the man I met, I loved that man just the way he was. JC used to say stop trying to change me and I would say I just want you to change back into the man I met.

10) I believed he loved me like he had never loved anyone before. Like he said, “I thought I had been in love before but now I know what real love is.” I thought I was special and I had met the man I would spend the rest of my life with; after all he couldn’t stay away from me any more than I could stay away from him; that is until he discarded me. I am special; but to him I was just a player in his orchestrated life and when I was no longer useful he just wrote me out of the script just like they do on the soap operas. All of a sudden someone else is playing the part and no one is supposed to notice or they just kill the star off.

The Ten Biggest Mistakes I Made (after I left him)

I thought we could stay friends.
What made me think we could be friends? I would never choose to be friends with someone who lied to me, hit me, got pleasure from hurting me and disregarded all my boundaries and values what made me think he would be a good friend?

I believed he missed me.
Turns out he wasn’t dropping by because he missed me, he was on his way to visit one of his women and I was on the way. I try to not think about I probably had sex with him right after he’d been with her. God I just threw up in my mouth.

I believed he loved me.
Come on Carrie, you really were grasping at straws to believe him when he said there is different types of love and what we had was special. I did say it was a mistake.

I believed his lies.
Not all of them, but I preferred to tell myself they weren’t lies because if I admitted to myself they were lies I would have to stop lying to myself.

I believed I was special.
Yep I was special all right just like every other sucker he’s been with. I asked him once why he kept coming back and he said he’d never met anyone like me. I think you mean someone who would keep taking you back.

I underestimated how evil he truly is.
I really could not believe he was doing what I thought he was doing; that would mean he was capable of killing me and I could not believe that, not until his sister said it and then I had to face facts. Now I watch my back and am afraid of him getting revenge.

I talked to him.
If he is a narcissist you can be guaranteed of one thing. If his lips are moving; he is lying.

I looked him up on FaceBook.
I knew I was setting myself up to get hurt, I knew he’d put pictures of them together on his Fb but I would look anyway. He is never going to let it look like anything but perfect on his FB that’s why he has 2 FB accounts. one for her and one for ??

I called him and cried.
I should have known I was only feeding his ego, I thought he might care that he hurt me. He used to pretend he hated to see me cry. He must have seen that in a movie sometime.

I thought I was strong enough to deal with him.
I thought I knew him so well and could anticipate his actions and that over time I had learned how to deal with him but we had never been in the “discard” stage before. He was cruel beyond anything I could ever stand up to.

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10 Replies to “Ten Mistakes I Made”

  1. Yikes. This all sounds familiar. I haven’t gone back. Well, he did kick me out and blame things on me once a while back. I was away for maybe 2 days and he asked me to come back. So, I guess i did, huh? I hope and want to think that I won’t let him con me into believing his lies again during the month I will be in the same neighborhood as him.Sometimes I think because he didn’t hit me, that maybe I didn’t have it so bad. Maybe I am wrong. I guess I should just look at the wreck I am now to see that it doesnt take physical abuse to break you.
    “If his lips are moving; he is lying.” Ha…ain’t that the truth. Skilled liars, through and through.

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  2. Twistedheart, you know the physical abuse didn’t leave the scars the emotional, mental and even financial did. I often times forget he ever hit me, some times I would pray he would hit me because then he would stop the verbal abuse. The hitting was the climax of a whole lot of verbal abuse.

    I hope you can remain strong while you are there also, I can see you’ve gotten stronger; but don’t worry about it; you’ll handle it whatever it is and if you need moral support we’re here. You might surprise yourself.

    Just remember “If his lips are moving he’s lying” and any reaction out of you only feeds his ego. He will not change, ever.

    thanks for commenting its a pleasure having you here.
    Hugs
    Carrie

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  3. I have to add a number 11. I never should have given him money when he started up his trucking company again. I should have known this was a one sided relationship and it would not be reciprocated later.

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  4. 8 & 9 are enormously important, Carrie, because they set the boundaries for the future.

    It’s great how you’re reflecting. I’m so, so happy to see you this well, enlightened, empowered.

    xx 🙂

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  5. Carrie, he did the “I’ll call you later, I’m busy” text routine too?!

    I could never communicate with my N whenever I wanted to (not at weird hours or when I knew he was working, just random everyday times after work). Oh no, we couldn’t have that. He had to initiate all communication (usually through texting even though he KNEW I hated texting).

    And gosh I stopped trusting my gut too. Which is stupid because God basically gave women two guts and one of them is called intuition. We KNOW something isn’t right. But then we get these douchebag texts or calls about how much they love us and why are we ruining the relationship with our insecurities and how can they trust us if we don’t trust them (oh you can always count on them to turn it around and make you the bad guy).

    And when I told my ex we couldn’t be friends (in an email) he threw it back in my face when I said that maybe we could work it out (after he’d twisted, plucked and pulled my words around and again made me the one with the issues): “You want to be with me but you didn’t even want to be friends in that email!” Well yes, because I was strong at that point and after talking to the Mind Jedi, I don’t know what’s up or down.

    The D&D phase was brutal. I didn’t know how badly things were until I looked at my room. It was a mess. That is ALWAYS a sign of where my depression is. When things are okay, my room is pristine. When things are bad, I just let things go and I never realize how bad it is until I can barely move around. For months, before I met him as during the “adoring” stage, it was clean. As time went on, a mess. That showed me that it wasn’t in my head. That (which probably seems small to most people) was a huge sign to me. If everything else in my life is decent and if my boyfriend is “the best”, why do all signs point to depression?

    My next step this week: get this room cleaned. He is not worth my mental health and JC is not worth yours.

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    1. He would call and say he was on his way home from work and not show up until the next day after work or the wee hours and not answer his phone of the morning and his son was living with us. His kid lost all respect for him.
      I hated texting also and he refused to talk to me at the end, he wouldn’t answer his phone and text me. I hate trying to discuss something emotional via texting.

      I really can’t believe what I put up with! His excuse for cheating was I could have a different man every night. I guess I could have but never did! Never gave him any reason to think I would. I was so totally committed to him, to this day I haven’t had sex or even been on a date with another man, since the day I met JC.

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