Abuse Victims Get Less Compassion Than Criminals

I wrote my post “some facts and figures on domestic abuse” yesterday and then last night I read an article in my local paper about the new women’s prison that had its grand opening recently. Here are some excerpts from that article; it was titled “Get beyond ‘lock em up!’”

“People are starting to realize that prisoners should be treated with compassion and dignity.” “Terms like “reducing recidivism” and rehabilitation” were used over and over at the opening of the new maximum security area of the Alouette Correctional Centre for Women in Maple Ridge”
”Many women who come to the prison are in very poor health, often undernourished and with serious addiction problems. Programs in place at the prison help them manage their emotions and work on relationship skills.”
“There is talk of getting more educational programs at the prison”
“The ACCW inmates also have access to health care professionals,-nurses, doctors, dentists- looking after them and addiction programs to help them on the road to recovery”
“Women are especially vulnerable when they get on the wrong side of the law and having these services in place to help them prepare for their eventual release just makes sense.”
“Each woman in prison is someone’s daughter, sister, or niece, and sometimes someone’s mother.”
They “often have families waiting at the prison gates for them when they leave – and seeing and treating them with humanity will help them on their road to recovery and away from a life of crime.”

That is a wonderful attitude, very progressive, an “in the well being of society” attitude. The women going to this prison have committed a crime that got them a sentence longer than 2 years which means it had to be something fairly serious.

I did 10 years of hard time for a crime I never committed and there was no family waiting for me when I got out with nothing but my clothes.

All over the world women are treated worse than prisoners in their own homes for the simple crime of loving the wrong person and when they are released into society they often don’t have family waiting at the gate.

There is some thing iniquitous about women who have committed a crime being given more understanding, respect and compassion than a woman who was in an abusive relationship. Why is that? Because as a general rule society looks down on weakness, committing a crime is not viewed as weak, but being beaten, verbally assaulted and not leaving is viewed as weak.

If you read the comments of women who have come to this site you will see the many injustices committed against them by their partner and then the criminal justice system, society and often times their own families because of judgments that come from a lack of education about domestic abuse. Because these women aren’t criminals and don’t think like a criminal they don’t know how to manipulate the system, they expect to tell the truth and to be treated with respect and compassion.
Instead it is very common with narcissists that when the police get there they are calm, rational, and totally in control where as the victim is near hysterical, shaking, crying and finding it difficult to collect her thoughts. After years of abuse the victim’s emotions are raw, she is afraid, confused, distraught.

The police have been told by the narcissist that she is a psycho bitch that he has tried to tolerate, he will even say nice things like it isn’t her fault she had a lousy childhood, or he might even cry and say how much he loves her but just can’t take the abuse, he doesn’t know what she is capable of and he is at his wits end.

Nine times out of ten the police are men who of course respond better to the calm rational male than the hysterical woman. Once they are done talking to him anything she says has been tainted by his twisted version of the events and the woman is left trying to defend herself once again; this time against the very people who are supposed to be there to protect and help her.

The victim being the person that they are; caring honest individuals; only want what is fair and are often blindsided by the narcissist’s cruelty. The narcissist will resort to any underhanded maneuvers he can think of, slander the victim, harass her, turn her own family against her, make her lose her job, he will purger himself in court and the “system” plays right into his evil plot to destroy the victim. If he can’t have her (doesn’t want her or appreciate her) then he will make sure she has nothing any one else will want and nothing to live for. He doesn’t care what the laws say about equal division of property; what’s his is his and what’s hers is his and if he can’t have it then he will destroy it just so she can’t have it. The narcissist wants the pets, the children, and the money and property; and he won’t fight fair to get them.

Women have come in here and told horror stories about him charging her with abuse, not being allowed in the house to get personal belongings, being charged with theft for taking their belongings, losing custody of her children and the narcissist turning the children against their mother so that they won’t even talk to her. Women who were physically attacked by the new woman while he held the victim, women who if they are lucky have family who will take them in and the others end up in shelters or like me couch surfing or homeless.

On top of that he fully expects her to be as vindictive as he is, has anticipated any moves she might make and is very seldom caught off guard.

It is for certain a woman leaving a narcissist will never leave with more than she came into the relationship with and I would estimate that 90% of victims who leave their abusive partner live in poverty.

It is a proven fact that if a criminal leaves prison and receives no support from society in the form of medical, dental, counseling, compassion, respect and an education so they can find work they will go back to a life of crime. So why is it so hard for people to fathom that without those same resources the abused woman goes back to her abuser when he comes to her promising he’s changed?

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26 Replies to “Abuse Victims Get Less Compassion Than Criminals”

  1. Thank You for posting this, finally!!! someone who understands, all this happened to me, I was left homeless, my ex has the house, belongings, dog, my kids and his affair partner is now living with all of them. The police didnt believe me about the abuse because he was so calm and rational and I was a wreck, he has tried to get me arrested when i tried to reclaim MY property. IT SUCKS !!!!

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  2. Marion, I am so sorry you can relate to this post but I know you aren’t alone ; you’ve got good company 🙂 Its been almost 2 yrs since we split and I am still trying to get my own place. while he’s off sponging off some poor unsuspecting widow spending her husband’s life Insurance. I am forever grateful I never had kids with him.

    How long has you been separated? How are you dealing with everything? It must be terribly hard on you. I was a horrible mess the first year and 1/2 but even though my financial life is still a shambles I am in a much better place emotionally and don’t miss the emotional roller coaster I was on for the 10 yrs I was with him. My ex would have called the cops before I even got to the phone, meet them at the gate to where we lived and by the time they got to me the cop was telling me to keep my mouth shut and not start anything or he’d arrest me and my ex is standing there smirking like its a big joke.

    Sick twisted heartless bottom feeders.

    thanks for commenting Marion, I’m glad my post hit the Mark because I hope by getting the word out there I am able to save some unsuspecting woman the pain you,I and so many others have suffered.

    Take good care and I pray you are blessed with peace and serenity soon.
    Hugs
    Carrie

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    1. I’m going through the same thing. I’ve been arrested on a trespassing charge for dropping kids off. Then got a ppo put on me by my husbands lovely mother, all with lies. Then I got more charges put on me for malicious telephone use, bc my daughter was there & I wasn’t allowed to talk to her. After I was arrested in front of her for the trespassing. It seems like it should be so easy to prove innocence, but when the police don’t believe you & write reports making you look “unstable” or calling you “unstable”… And the lies… Ohhhhh the lies. Weeding through those when trying to find a place to live bc you got left in a foreclosed house & taking care of 2 kids… It’s a full time job weeding through the lies. Then you have to make sense of the convoluted mess.. At that point you’re just confused… There’s no way to simplify it & it needs to be simplified enough to explain it to the male prosecutor or male attorney… It gets to the point that you are so sick of going over the same bs in your head & writing it down that you just want to give up… I’m not giving up but I sure do think about it 30 or 40 times a day!

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  3. “Because as a general rule society looks down on weakness, committing a crime is not viewed as weak…”

    How true this can be. And people tend to “side with power”, however misread it may be.

    Also true is that the conscienceless will always find a way to manipulate any system. Sadly, as you state, their marks often cannot navigate the same, for needed help.
    Lots of food for thought here.
    Pearl

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    1. Thank you Pearl, its very strange; just last night I was wondering if you were still around because I hadn’t had a notification that you had posted anything in a long time. I have always enjoyed anything you’ve written and can usually relate. And then tonight I see you’ve posted and commented here. So glad you stopped by and found something of interest.
      Thank you so much and its really good to “see” you.
      Carrie

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  4. Carrie, this is enormous comment, this post. When I first read you’d done ’10 years hard time for a crime I didn’t commit’, I thought you had a past of being in prison, & wondered what the hell else you had had to go through. But of course, I realise what was the hard time.

    There are safe houses here in Australia, but some men still get to the women. I guess you have those there?? Safe houses? God, women & children…. the women & children…

    It is only today (forgive me) that I’ve fully realised how it must have been to step out from that ‘into society’. You are amazing to make what you have of your life. I respect you enormously, Carrie. And it is just great to see your blog so vocal on this. NEVER STOP BLOGGING PLEASE CARRIE!

    My sincere wishes for you, Kris, family.

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  5. “So why is it so hard for people to fathom that without those same resources the abused woman goes back to her abuser when he comes to her promising he’s changed?”

    Gawd if I had a dime for every time some Yahoo asked me why I went back to my Charles Manson or Son of Sam bastard boyfriend. They always said it so patronizingly, “why would you go back to someone like THAT?” ….they go on on chastisingly…”I’d NEVER stay with someone if they ever swore at me never mind HIT me!!”

    Bitch puh-leeeze. they need to read up on how the Narcissist weaves their tangled web. It doesn’t start with verbal abuse. They need to read about Gaslighting and ambient abuse. and honey, ya hafta tell ’em….. domestic violence cuts across every socio-economic, color, creed, racial, religious, gender, sexual-orientation boundaries too. It can happen to ANYONE.

    I hold a college degree and it happened to me.

    There are so many misconceptions out there………that it only happens to poor women, women of color, uneducated women……..BULLSHIT!!!! It happens when a Narcissist finds prey. Period.

    and once the woman drinks the Kool-aid, it’s like the gift that keeps on giving. Their mesmorizing grip keeps a woman boomeranging back and back and back ….through the cycle of violence. If one is unfortunate enough to find oneself in the midst of a sociopath’s hands and not just a Narcissist……one’s fate can be even worse. For they only mimic human emotion and truly have no conscience. But that would be another post altogether…..

    Great Post, from one woman who has been ensnared to another~

    xoxo

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    1. Lexi, very well said and obviously from someone who’s been there. People just, do, not, get, it!! My mother is a prime example of someone who just doesn’t get it. I went for dinner with her a couple of weeks ago and were talking about how I was doing much better emotionally and I said something about feeling more like myself. I said that I never thought I would ever be in an abusive relationship.

      Mom – I know!! thats what every one couldn’t understand, you’d never taken shit from any guy before. I never liked him, I knew he was bad news.

      Me – He wasn’t like that when I met him, I couldn’t believe my good fortune to have met someone so perfect for me. He treated me great, we had so much in common, he had a great sense of humor and got mine, he was sexy.

      Mom – Well, I never liked him and he knew it, I could tell, I certainly didn’t see what you saw in him

      Me – Because you weren’t his target, I was. You got lucky when you were dating that you never met a man like that, you don’t know what you would have done.

      Mom gave me that look that says, “I don’t want to argue with you but I know I would never get sucked in like you did.

      Me – Besides you were with dad 30 years.

      Mom – He was not near as bad as JC was.

      Me – No granted he held a job and he wasn’t a pathological liar. But we all walked on egg shells and he screwed around on you

      Mom – I know he had one affair

      My mouth dropped open, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. – Mom!! he screwed around on you for as long as I can remember!!

      Mom – he only told me about one, besides I don’t think about it any more.
      I dropped it. Then she started talking about her friend Ann who had been involved with a narcissist and she lost her house and all her savings and almost lost her kids.

      Mom – I never understood her either, here is this intelligent woman…..or a woman I THOUGHT was intelligent ….

      Me – She was and is an intelligent woman mom.

      Mom – oh yeah right, anyway here she is with a nice guy wanting to……I never like him either, never knew what she saw in him.

      Me – That’s because he didn’t care about you, you weren’t his target. If they can put a wedge between their victim and their support system all the better for the abuser.

      I am far enough along in my recovery from JC now that I can defend myself and it doesn’t bother me, but those kind of comments used to gut me and made me doubt myself, I even said to JC once, “I don’t know why you and my mom don’t get along you both think I was stupid, and crazy.”

      She has never researched the traits of a narcissist, psychopath or sociopath she heard once that it is like a drug addiction so she figures you pull all support and then the person will come to their senses. When in fact that is exactly what the narc or psychopath wants and it leaves the victim feeling he is right, she doesn’t have any where to go or any one to turn to. What is scary is she goes around telling other people these things and that’s where all these misconception come from, people assuming they know what they are talking about and think they are an expert on the subject and don’t have a clue.

      I read some where that the mental health experts want to eliminate the labels of narcissist, psychopath and sociopath and put them all in the same group but although sociopaths and psychopaths seems very much the same , narcissists are not usually physically violent. I am convinced JC was a psychopath now that I have researched it so extensively, they say all psychopaths are narcissist but not all narcissists are psychopaths; at first its hard to tell them apart but he was fucking scary.

      Thanks Lexi!! you know I love ya

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      1. i too had to deal with my family not geting it, get over him already. As to the situation with your mother, she may be right, that she clould see it. my mother warned me about my first husband when I was twenty, sge said nothing good would come of it I ignorned her, and boy did I pay, sometimes mothers can see whats coming down the road.
        instead of arguing that you were stupid or not, I know I was very stupid, I call it temporary insanity, caused by Ns, just agree you were stupid to stay, yes. ( you have said you were not sure you wouldnt go back)
        This doesnt mean youre not highly intelligent and bright, we all have blind spots, and being with a narc requires you to be blind and deaf.
        Dealing the rift with your mom could release you from some of his damage.
        how about saying to your mom,
        ” Look mom I really need your love and acceptance, Im getting better every day, and I need my mom to stand with me. I made a big mistake being loyal to a creep, but I survived, and Im building myself back up, I want peace between us. Time is marching on, youre getting older,I am working on forgiving myself, but I need your love and acceptance can you give me that?”

        (perhaps a letter followed up by a visit) keep it short and sweet, no buts, no explanations.

        I think if you drop your hurt pride(probably justified) with your mom
        You will have broken another stick he made for your back, that he isolated you from your family.

        I lost my mother 15 years ago long before I met the Narc, but she was right about my first husband.

        As to your mothers own edited memory from the past, she needs to be the older, wiser one, dont push her on it. Each of us deal with things our way to survive. You know that any decent woman could fall prey to a Narc, you have that experience, your mom doesnt.

        Work on forgiving yourself first, and then your mom. xxx love and hugs. D

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        1. Dee, I appreciate what you are saying and have come to the acceptance that my mom is never going to change and I have to deal with it and not take it personally. In the past she always leaned on me, when my dad dumped her after 30 yrs of marriage I was her rock. Throughout my life even when she was with my dad I was the strong one, with my brother also. He is 9 yrs younger than me and it was like he had two mom’s. My mom doesn’t deal with issues, she thinks,”what I can’t see can’t hurt me” and buries her head in the sand. She literally says, “I can’t deal with this call me when your life gets better.” If it was with my brother then I would step up to the plate and be there for him. I always felt family sticks together no matter what but my brother is much like my mom so when I needed someone to have my back there was no one. It was very hard to take and gave JC another weapon he loved to use “Go ahead leave! Where are you going to go? Who are you going to call? Your mother? Your brother?” And laugh and walk away. He was right.

          I attempted suicide a few months after JC and I split because I felt so all alone I obviously failed. I decided I had to talk to my mom and tell her I was really hurting and needed some empathy, an attempt at understanding, something! There were other issues to do with a trailer I was buying and they held the mortgage on it. They had offered to buy it for me so I would have security. They had done similar for all the kids, I never asked; they offered. Then the economy tanked in 2008, I had only been in the trailer 3 months and they said they had to sell it. I was making the payments but my step dad was adamant. Then I cooked Christmas dinner with the whole family there and my mom let’s it slip that they just booked a 8 week cruise for February. I guess the look on my face said it all and she stumbled over her words and finally said they really couldn’t afford to go but it was a previous commitment. I thought, “and what was I?”
          So here I was, scrap prices had dropped from $350 a ton down to $80 a ton in a matter of weeks and I had to now take time off work to find a place to move to, pack again, and the stress was huge. I hadn’t talked to JC in several months, I was doing really good right up to that time. When I found out about the cruise I was really hurt and I wrote a letter to my step dad saying I was really hurt. He stopped talking to me. My mom sent an email from the cruise ship says it was imperative I be out of my trailer by the time they got back. My step dad was there with the realtor the day after they got back.
          JC had called out of the blue two weeks after they told me I had to get out. He said he had been given 6 months to live and he loved me etc. He couldn’t have had better timing, I was feeling abandoned and he was his sweet loving old self and I needed a hug and someone to say it was going to be ok. I thought maybe its meant to be, what have I got to lose? So I went back even though there was a voice inside telling me to run! When my mom and step dad heard I had taken JC back they told everyone they sold the trailer because I had gone back to JC, even my son and I hadn’t said anything to anyone.

          When the place sold at a $20,000 loss I had two weeks to get out and JC had asked me to marry him and move to Sask. Once all my stuff was on the truck it all started to fall apart again but once again I was reliant on him, or I thought I was. In hind sight of course I would have been better off sleeping in my truck with Kato but I wanted to believe the lie.

          I wasn’t invited for any family dinners for two years, never heard from my mom. My brother called on every occasion and then he was getting married and I was invited. I went and I gave my mom a hug as soon as I saw her and I said hi to my stepdad but he has never spoken to me since. Mom and I started emailing and she will take me for lunch on my birthday and bring me christmas gifts a couple days before Christmas and take me for supper. But if I were to go to their house my step dad would leave. My brother and his wife had Christmas dinner last year and my step dad was there. And we sat across from each other and never said one word to each other. I don’t think anyone noticed because there was enough lively conversation but my step dad takes priority over me so I get left out of most family things. I accept that it is his money and my mom doesn’t want to make waves at home, she has her security to worry about, like she said, “who will take care of me, you certainly won’t be able to”. I have a small family and I really always put them first my whole life and I didn’t do it because I expected pay back; I did it because that is what family does. I never in a million years thought I would be homeless. I owned my first home at 26, but I certainly never thought I would be homeless and my mom wouldn’t at least offer me a room.

          So there is a lot more to it than just her not understanding why I went back or stayed. I’ve told her that by pulling all support because I went back to JC she jeopardIzed my life. I felt deserted, unloved, thrown to the wolves…..all of the above.

          Its done and I forgive and accept that’s just the way it is. But it hurt and it did major damage between us. I don’t bring it up any more, I told her once that I would say my piece and not bring it up again and I won’t. Its more important to me to have my family.

          It is one of the messages I try to get a cross here, if you have a loved one in an abusive relationship don’t think you can make them leave by disowning them. They need to know they have someone there for them and that they are loved. Pulled all support only plays right into the abusers plan to isolate the victim and make her feel she has no one else.

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          1. Sorry, 😦 sad beyond reason Carrie, sometimes our families are toxic to us, and need to be avoided. Sounds like your mother is probably trapped in her own controlling marriage, and cant be there for you. Really, youre the adult. I know what it feels like to be all alone, it sucks balls, but its better than sleeping with the abuser, that is the pits of hell.
            I fired my family after years of bullshit, and now if they want me they know where to find me, I dont crawl, and I dont eat crumbs. This is the new boundary I established, with all potential new friends and my family. Youd be surprised how much stress and crap and Pain that saved me. all shit things pass, I see my moods like weather now, and when things are down I know its not for ever.
            change your reality to suit yourself, you define success or failure, not others, To me you havent failed.

            So you are climbing your way back up now, be patient and gentle with yourself. develop self love, its what you need, youre a lovely person and start looking for friendships around you,( no men who want to bed you)older people are kinder and wiser. perhaps be a dog walker. can you get a waitering job in the evenings, twice a week, it may not pay fantastic, just tips, but may get you smiling, meeting new people, and tired enough to sleep through a hurricane. youre a survivor, and need to give yourself a great big hug. thanks for the blog. Dee

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          2. I have the same thing with my mom. She always has to tell me what I do wrong. She’s never wrong. But I always am. It’s been this way my whole life & I finally realize that she does this to make herself feel better about the shitty job she did as a mother. She sees it different. She was a single mom who worked hard & I wee ungrateful.. I walked on eggshells growing up & dreaded going home after school. If she was working I made sure all the things she asked were done, but she always found something to come down on me for. I’ve been going to counseling at the local domestic violence shelter & see the most wonderful woman named Judy. She is 75 years old.. And she gets it. She told me I never learned about boundaries & that’s why I keep repeating the same mistakes. I started to think that if I had all these issues with so many ppl then it must be me.. Really it’s the whole boundaries thing.. Lol I’m still making sense of this!

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    2. Carrie, I so admire your bravery in escaping and then being so helpful and compassionate to those who have suffered like you. I would like to hear how youre getting on with your project of the trucks, are you in US? Youre amazing inspirational! great big love to you. im in the process of divorce now. hearing in two weeks. praying for a goood sane judge, and prepared for all the nasty tricks he will pull. Havent seen him for 20 months so that will be traumatic. ill be sticking here and reading for support. Thankyou for this blog, its a life saver, you should publish it. xxx0xxxx

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      1. Dee, boy did I ever need your comment just now. It made me cry. I don’t feel very strong some days and today is one of them. I had my hopes up about a place to live and it fell through. Right now everything is kinda at a stand still until I can get a place to live where I have the internet and phone service. I have a letter started to the Premier of BC Canada, to answer your question :). They have just announced that the province of BC is allowing a bunch of funds for domestic abuse victims because of a case where the father killed his 3 kids to get back at his ex. The system failed that mother horribly so now they are going yo do something about it.

        Without the net I end up doing it all on y phone and I have to work so I csn’t dedicate the time necessary to getting funding etc. I suppose all in due time but I am not known for my patience.

        Good luck in court, 20months no contact! Wow good for you! You will do fine!! You are so much stronger than the last time you saw him. Take a friend for moral support if you can, make notes so you don’t forget anything and just remember he is a soul sucking bottom feeder that has no power over you any more. You are SO far above him and the judge is going to see that; just stay calm; breath, you know who and what you are dealing with; you have the advantage over him now because he doesn’t know how strong and in ccontrol you’ve gotten over the last 20 months. Hold your head high. And no matter what happens you are still a winner and he will always be a loser.

        Hugs
        Carrie

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  6. Loving the voices you bring to your pages! I,too, have been ridiculed, belittled, ostracized and then all over again thanks not only to his years of passive/aggressive controls and mememe world where I was merely an extension of him and if I didn’t like what he thought I should something was WRONG WITH ME. I consider myself educated, even worked with victims of violence in the past. The problem is that in our own brokenness we compartmentalize and rationalize, it can’t be happening to me or my situation is not as bad as others. Whatever. Part of this is “his relentless programming via withholding until we behave how he wants.” We suck up those crumbs like he REALLY MEANS IT THIS TIME and then there we are again. 32 yrs I did like this. Only to have my best friend – who he always disliked not just for her looks, saying to me repeatedly: Phillipino women are always ugly but asking if I cleaned the bathroom after she visited me because he would not use it – sit in my world duplicitously siphoning off information and telling me he “just needs the right woman” take my place enabling him and his lies, especially the lies to HIMSELF. In being single three years now, I have met allsorts. And I do mean allsorts. But I am wiser. They tell me who they are themselves and I let them. They trip themselves up verbally, either saying or doing things I cannot abide because, while innocent one offs are one thing, these things collect in my brain until the dots connect. Then Block/Delete/Purge and cleanse. But they never usually even get past first meeting with me,my radar is so high, if we make it to a proper date, I am surprised. My ex’s violence was hidden from the public, his hissing abuses so vile and clever, you wouldn’t even know you were being abused if you didn’t know what he was picking at you for. Eventually I figured him out and gave it all back as best I could. The courts will do the rest. I hope. He has been leaving hissing messages on my voicemail and I just keep saving them all. The latest: “You are victim. Okay, you’re a victim. Everything bad has been done to you and none of it is your fault. You ARE a victim. What can I say? You are VICTIM.” I did call back to leave a message telling him for once he is right and that I am not only a victim of his abuses but now also HERS. Imagine, the person I confided in. There should be a criminal law against people like her. So toxic. I think I blogged on your blog, Carrie. Much love xo

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    1. Blog away, my blog is your blog…..that’s what I am here for, a safe place to vent and be heard. My ex was also always so sweet in public, no one would have believed he was abusive he came across as totally non-confrontational, to the point of people walking all over him. But behind closed doors he was a totally different guy. When we were out we would have a great time and I would be hopeful that maybe when we got home it would continue but it would be like a switch going off when we pulled in the driveway. often times he would start a fight on the way home and then just storm off when we got there. I got to dread when he was nice and loving because he would seem to be more abusive to make up for it later.
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting Jam (((((((hugs)))))))

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  7. I just cannot fully trust police officers or judges. I have had too many encounters (never a defendant) with men in power rolling their eyes, asking me if I’m SURE I said no and did he hear me when he was on top of me, not taking threats from exes seriously.

    Luckily here in my state a law passed about a month ago that made it much easier to have an injunction served to someone. Not that an injunction alone is going to save you.

    The best thing for me is to: A. have a gun B. have a taser C. take self-defense courses D. don’t give out my full name or address for at least a year (by then you should be able to see most red flags if you are looking hard enough) E. don’t move in with a man unless my name is on the lease/mortgage F. always have a source of income G. background checks once a year

    Now that may be too extreme for most, but after the hell I have been through with men, I don’t want to enter my 30’s as the same naive woman. The court systems can only do so much. I have to protect myself as much as I can.

    I do feel badly for women who marry (or move in with) men and stop working, have kids and think they will grow old together, only to be D&D. Before this last relationship ended, we were making plans for me to move to his state (making me vulnerable), we would get married (harder to get rid of him), have children (virtually impossible to cut him out of my life) and I wouldn’t work (can we say dependent).

    After he pushed me away for weeks and he coldly told me that he wasn’t worth all of this drama and that I would have drinks and then forget all about him (sorry buddy, I’m not as slimy and cold-blooded as you), I am so happy those plans never worked out.

    I am not a feminist (or at least not hardcore) but the worst thing a woman can do is become financially dependent. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but only if I could work from the house.

    Finances equal freedom.

    When you are able to leave whenever you want, you no longer have to depend on the system as much. And you can also afford an attorney, which 9/10 smooths things out and gets everyone’s attention.

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    1. I told someone once that the next guy I date I want 3 business and 3 character references, a criminal record check, blood tests, a financial statement, his employment history, to talk to at least 3 of his ex’s and finger prints. Lol

      That’s. Good list you made yourself and your are right again, financial independence = freedom. When JC and I got back together the last time I thought I was “safe” I was making so much money I thought if he goes back to his old ways I’ll just leave. I wasn’t counting on him staying up all night sabotaging my truck and all the other things he did to undermine me.

      But a normal guy wouldn’t do that but then with a normal guy you wouldn’t have to worry about remAining financially independent of him.

      My solution is to not date!

      Like

      1. you dont need all that, you just need a Guy with a heart. sounds like he had a black hole instead, mine had a heart of stone,
        I swear everyday I realise more and more all the signs were there at the start, He was a sucking swamp rat. So damn happy hes history!!! living with him was a prison.

        Like

      2. As is mine. I don’t see myself dating for at least another six months or so. Even if I get past all of the pain of the D&D and the anxiety of NC, it will take a while to trust again.

        Like

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