I don’t know if I am strong enough

I am having a horrible time today. I don’t know how many saw JC’s latest comment (more like try novel) on my post about my dream house. Almost like he is saying forget your dreams because I’ll always be there to destroy them.

I was going to leave the comment up because it just shows how vindictive he is and so typical of a narcissist blaming me for everything, and all lies. It was very long and very hurtful. He also said that my business should flourish now because he has put information about me on the net.

I replied to him by email but I haven’t replied on my blog because to be quite honest I am gutted by the things he said.

If anyone wants to see his comment I have saved it and will forward it to you individually. It was just so hateful and vicious I couldn’t leave it up and I really can’t talk about it right now.

All I will say is he still was able to make me shake, doubt myself, want to explain myself, feel helpless and hopeless and make me want to run and hide some where far away from him. It took me back 2 years to when I would just crawl into bed and sleep to get away from the emotional pain.

I am grappling with the knowledge I brought this on myself, if I would have kept my mouth shut he would probably leave me alone. And right now that’s all I want. How can he still make me feel so helpless and hopeless?

The only comeback I have at this moment is this;
Once again he spewed his venomous hatred all over me and walked away; refusing to be accountable for the things he said.

All my ex’s like me and respect me, I am not, nor should anybody be defined by the accusations of one angry ex. Whereas James doesn’t have one ex willing to even talk to him.

He said I am a professional  victim, and posted an article about these women who play the victim and that is what our relationship was like. Then he has been with women who all have this Once”victim” syndrome because we all drove him to hit us.

He said he took responsibility for his part in the poisonous relationship we had; but he didn’t say what his responsibilities were. He never admitted to hitting me or that it was wrong, once again I drove him to do the things he did.

He said he is not taking calls from his family because they are still in contact with me. You mean to tell me be because I talk to his step dad about the money he lent me he won’t take or return the call from his mother on his birthday? He won’t pay his step dad the $20,000 he has owed him for 3 years because he talks to me? How convenient.

There is alot more I could address but will do it privately if anyone wants to know.

Alot of what he said had to do with people who have nothing really to do with the abuse in the relationship, like my brother, son and his sister; I see no point in airing their dirty laundry in an effort to make himself look innocent.

I am seriously considering contacting the police and will let you all know.

I know this probably doesn’t make alot of sense because I just typed what came to mind. Forgive me for rambling.
Carrie

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20 thoughts on “I don’t know if I am strong enough

  1. Hi Carrie, YOU ARE STRONG, dont let ex get to you (i know it is hard) i cant post too much on here for fear of ex reading it. Dont let him get to you, remember, he is not real, all fake!! He is envious of you being strong, lots love and keep going with your dream 🙂 xx

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  2. Carrie,
    All I can say is I am sending you all of the loving, positive thoughts and energy your way. I know it’s not much, but it is all I have to offer. You mean so much to everyone here and we are behind you. I wish I could say more…offer more…but i just wish you all the happiness in the world and I am so sorry that someone as sick as JC can’t leave a decent, good person like yourself alone. You deserve so much better.I am thinking about you and I know you are a strong woman….Stay strong. 🙂

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  3. Its so weird how they can make us doubt everything we have come to believe, understand or learned about their narcissistic behavior; and make us want to explain ourselves to them. I have learned that no matter what, we cant win with our explanation because they dont care how we feel. The situation only grows larger and leave us feeling tired, puzzled and more confused. They are experienced at what they do and we are not, so we should refrain from explanations, in which, with them I do realize is so hard to refrain from doing. I woould really like to read his comments to you because I can imagine how it goes. Please send me a copy. Thanks

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  4. Carrie, you are leading an authentic life. You no longer need JC which means you have power and control. He does not like the fact that life goes on without him. He wants to keep you off balance. Please send me a copy. Thanks You are an inspiration to us. Keep up the good work.

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  5. Honestly? He is not worth your time. This tit for tat keeps you under his influence, and it’s not worth it. I would block him and be done with it. He can think what he wants to think of me {because I’m one of your lemmings, doncha know} and I could give a rip. Boys like him are not worth the minutes wasted on them.

    If I could give you a single piece of advice it would be this:

    If you truly want to leave it {him} behind, you have to stop. You have to stop thinking about him. You need to stop writing about it/him. You have to stop responding to him. You have to stop having any contact with him.

    You cannot move forward when you are looking back; you can’t move forward if your feet are stuck in the past.

    Yes, it was terrible; yes it was wrong; yes, he damaged you.

    It is what it is- no amount of thinking about it and analyzing it is going to change that.

    You are what you create; you are what you project and move forward with.

    So if you want him gone and his influence gone, you have to stop. You have to stop giving him influence and power to affect you. And you can’t do that if you keep him in the forefront of your mind.

    You cannot move on if you keep living in the past. You are better than that. {{{hugs}}}}

    How is your work on the trailer coming along? 😀

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    • TikkTokk, I’m sure you mean well, but you cannot tell someone to do this or that and just move on and get over it. There’s a big difference between heartbreak and a soul that has been abused to the very core of someone’s being. Talking about it helps. You really sound self righteous and just hard hearted. You sit their writing and shaming the hurt person you really don’t sound much better than the person who hurt her. Seriously, then you end the “You Shoulds”…with “Oh, How is your work on the trailer coming along?”….Smiley Faces. Your kindness and concern seems contrite and fake. You really might want to think how you give advice to someone who is pain. I really have to stop writing because your comments have really pissed me off. I’m going through the same thing as Carrie and it is devastating for a person who lives and loves in the truth to be sucked into a world of abuse and lies sucking the life out of you and then throwing you away after they got what they wanted and leave you with nothing only to end up homeless.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dane, thank you for your support, this is a very old comment, going back to 2012 (my how time flies) I understand your anger and I think at the time it twinged me too because we are so sensitive at first. But that said, Tikk was one of my biggest supporters when I started the blog, she spoke the truth when I needed to hear it. She was right, you can’t move forward when you are stuck in the past. I was still in contact with James and he was still hurting me and I was whining, “Why does he keep hurting me?” because I was letting him. I know that it is hard to let go, it took me a very long time to really go full no contact, I didn’t stop writing about it because I have a message to get out there and I will never stop, plus I want to hopefully save other women by giving them answers and an example of what works and what doesn’t work by sharing as I go. But had I stopped writing about it I no doubt would have healed faster and avoided his wrath because I was writing about it.
        In this comment Tikk may appear to be cold-hearted but if you go back over the very early posts you will see that she was very kind and supportive also and in one post she shared how she herself was in an abusive relationship and barely escaped with her life. How she still fears for her life and she knows how dangerous it can be to stay in contact with a narcissist because she lived through it.
        There are times in here that I have lost patience with a person who just refuses to see the facts, refuses to help themselves and then I have to take a minute to remember how I was at that point in my recovery and I was buried so deep in denial it is a miracle I ever saw the light of day again.
        There comes a point for everyone, each at their own time, but there is a point where a victim has to stop being a victim and take control of their own life.
        Please don’t be too hard on Tikk, she was there, along with Mystery Coach and a couple of other people when I only had 4 followers and I don’t think I would have survived without them. They got me through my darkest days.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. as I said dont let him into your space, block his comments from publication, you dont need to prove to us hes a sicko we know. your responding to him by email just continues the hold. So change your email. and report him to the police immeadiately for stalking and libel, you have a printed copy.

    seriously consider puting up a paypal donation button up on your site, you have helped so many of us, i would be happy to donate a few dollars toward the costs of you maintaing this blog, each time I can, and Im sure others will too its a wonderful resource.

    dont doubt yourself for a minute. take action, no contact!!

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  7. I didn’t see his comment and I don’t want to. I am pretty sure it was full of half-truths & had more twists than a Sherlock Holmes novel.

    Not interested.

    I will say this: I don’t agree with TikkTock. I do believe you should write about it. It is therapuetic (spelling?) not only for you but for others. You are a writer. You may not realize it, but you are. And writing is your therapy.

    Now I do agree with TT when they say that you have to stop thinking about him. You can write about him and not think about him…without letting him control your life. You can talk about the past and the events you went through. But the current events with the back and forth, comments, emails…that is too fresh, too recent. Maybe give yourself some time to digest all of that.

    He is just doing what he does best. He has known you for years. He knows all of the buttons to push, all of the ways to bring you down and make you feel crazy. He has perfected the ways to send you in a corner, crying. But you have also perfected certain things, like knowing his next move, his patterns, knowing how nasty he can become.

    I don’t know anything about the cybe laws in Canada, but if you can get the police involved and it would ease your anxiety, then please do so. But do not do the back and forth with him. Isn’t it draining? I was always drained with my N ex and we were only together for a few months!

    And Dee is right, please put up a Paypal donation button. I’m no millionaire, but every dollar or so counts and can add up for you. 🙂

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    • You are right, any contact with him is draining, they suck the life out of a person. I was not about to get into a back and forth with him here. Its been two years, the time for “talking” debating whatever he seemed to want to do; was long gone.

      I will continue to write for several reasons,
      1. It is my release/therapy
      2. It helps others, if I didn’t get the comments like “thank God I found this site, now I know I’m not crazy” I would be more apt to shut it down just the avoid the hassle with him but I set out to help others by sharing my story and journey through recovery and I can’t stop now.
      3. He isn’t going to tell me what I can and can not do any more.
      4. I have been respectful of his privacy, there is no way what I say here will ever show up if someone Googles his name; my name yes but then he can stop name dropping my name. You see he used to use being my boyfriend to earn brownie points with people so maybe he’ll have to stop doing that.

      I have kept all the contact he’s made and if it were to continue or I find out he is slandering me I will have him charged and I will go for compensation. He thinks he knows how to handle me and send me crying into a corner. Well, I’m getting the old me back and I never used to take shit from anyone. I have gotten smarter too over the years, you have to become quite the detective with these guys and I’ve learned a few things.

      I am going to get the paypal thing, why not? Like you said, every dollar counts and Lord knows I could use anything.

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      • Help!! My NS ex is now living with his affair partner in our (my) former home. She is muslim, which isnt a problem, my 12 year old son lives 4 days with dad and three with me (his choice, through UK courts the child has a choice with living arrangements) Anyway, because she is a muslim, she wont allow bacon, sausage, pork, ham, into the household, my son now lives on a diet of mainly fish and boiled potatoand he has lost weight. I have txt NS with my concerns, i was not aggressive, just nice and polite. He took it as a personal attack against HIM and said “He is perfectly capable of looking after our son. My NS constanly calls my son a Idiot,but because NS is so powerful, my son adores him. Yet again I feel undermined as a mother, and I have allowed him to make me feel weak again.Why, does he take everything as a attack against him, why? can we not have a rational conversation.? I,m Fed Up!! but thank god for this site 🙂 😦

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        • Marion, there is no way you can ever have a reasonable and rational conversation with an N about anything he could do differently, everything is a personal attack. It gets so tiring always trying to not upset the apple cart, not offend, say things in a way he won’t take offense. It drains a person. I would spend days trying to pick just the right words so I wouldn’t offend my ex over something stupid and think I had figured out how to say it and it would still end up being a fight. Like one time he bought me a winch for my truck that I was supposed to pay him back for. I thanked him over and over and made sure I showed how happy and excited I was (it was overkill) then I chose my words very carefully, “I love my winch and can’t wait to use it but I want to make sure I pay for it before I use it because it is enough you lent me the money. I could have never bought it without your help.” He said not to worry about paying him right away, he said, “You’ll be able to make more money with this winch, just pay me later”.
          I was hesitant but thanked him again very much. “I know you are excited about it too and you’ll want to hook it up right away. But I have a job in the morning first thing and my old winch still works so if you do want to hook it up please don’t take my old winch off unless you are sure you can hook up the new one because I need my winch tomorrow”
          A couple hours later I was going to bed and went out, gave him a hug, thanked him again and asked him to come to bed. He pulled away from me and asked if there was gas in the car for morning. I assured him there was and asked him again to come to bed.
          I got up at 6 am and his sister was at the table and said JC had just gone out to hook up my new winch. He had taken off my old one and the new one was on the ground. At 10 am, I was still at home, no winch and we were fighting because I was so selfish and unreasonable.

          Sorry that got longer than I meant it to but it was supposed to show; it doesn’t matter what it is or how you say it; you will end up fighting.

          As for your son adoring him, that is kids, especially son’s and their dads. My son wanted to please his dad so badly. His dad rarely ever saw him and I was there for him every Christmas concert, every sports day yet his eyes would be glued to the door hoping his dad would show up and if he did my son would walk over top of me to get to his dad and his dad was the greatest for showing up. As he got older though he realized the truth and now even though he loves his dad he knows who was there for him. Your son will hopefully see his dad’s true colours as he gets older.

          If I was you I would feed him really well when I had him. That’s all you can do. He isn’t going to starve and its healthy food so I would just let it go. Your son will look forward to all his special favorite foods when he’s with you the 3 days. As for being called an idiot. I would tell him that his dad is wrong to call him that but there isn’t much that can be done about it but that his father, nor any one else defines him. Just because his dad says it does not make it true and reinforce that you don’t think he is an idiot.

          All you can do is be the best parent you can be, you can’t control how his dad is. Your son will grow up and know for himself.

          Good luck I know its hard to bite your tongue.
          Hugs Carrie

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          • OMG, thank you so much for a brilliant reply, you have put it all into perspective for me, and, i have just fed my some some yummy sausages, lol, he said “dad would,nt like this” but he loved them, ha ha power is good 🙂

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      • There is a line between using writing as a carthartic process; using it to heal ans also to help others ( which happens because the writing remains online and available; so the ‘service to others’ aspect remains intact; and a point where constang writing and thinking and talking about it not only feeds his ego (because you do realize he’s getting off on it now that he knows where the site is and can watch and see he’s still getting attention in some way-see how well he’s left his mark and even how after all yhis time she’s still “wrapped up in me because she writes about me all the time” – and no- he’s not smart enough or rooted in reality to see it any other way……) but also keeps the writer actively in that space; reliving and going back and feeling; instead of processing and moving past.

        He will not leave her alone ad long as he can affect her. That is the name of the game, and partly whay makes these kinds of people so toxic.

        Your work remains online, Carrie, and people search and continue to find the old threads. That will never change as long as you leave the blog up. You’re still helping, even if you’re not writing about him *today*.

        What I have learned ticks them off the most is to see how well we’re doing without them-for them to see we are happy, healthy, and having good lives without-and in spite of-them.

        I, personally, am of a mindset that you can’t purge and heal in a really good way as long as the tentacles can still reach you, because not only do they vonstantly remind

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        • Not only do they constantly remind you, but they also keep you tethered to it, which means you can’t really leave it behind because you are draggjng it along.

          It really has nothing to do with doing what he says-this is about YOU.Because you are “defying” him, you’re still feeding his ego-you’re still doing exactly what he wants you to. They are experienced users of reverse psychology, after all. That’s how they work; that’s how they play the game.

          I chose to get off the game board entirely and have not had a single moment of regret…..fwiw.

          (I’ll do it once I have internet, but if someone googles his initials, your site will come up -do I remember his whole name in a post at one point? Every word in a post gets added to the search engines; not just keywords…..)

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          • Tik I see your point, and take it to heart, it is all things I have thought about. And although I may relate some events from my relationship with him when someone is going through a similar experience my posts of late aren’t to do with him. There are about me carrying on.

            My posts are about my dogs, my financial difficulties and trying to over come some huge obstacles. Yes the obstacles were put there largely by him and my relationship with him but they are MY issues. If he gets some sick ego boost out of lurching around my site that’s his issue.

            I did put his name up once in anger and I forget which post it was now and I was going to take it out but I just haven’t had time to go searching for it. It was a childish tit for tat because he named me on his blog.

            No one ever calls his JC and if they went so far as to search by his initials then they are looking for a lot more than a future employer would be looking for and maybe then they should find my site because he’s obviously done something to piss someone off.

            You say you stopped playing the game and moved out of the town etc, and that is great and I certainly know that no contact is the only way with him. I have stopped going to Amix who I dealt with for 6 years to avoid seeing him and have even given up customers in his area so there is no chance of running into him.

            I want to fight to end domestic violence and as long as I am doing that I guess I am feeding his ego. But to just shut up because of it is perpetuating the problem in my mind, that’s why there is a problem. Am I feeding his ego and keeping the blog so I keep “ties” with him or am I doing it so other women hopefully are helped. If I am not here to reply to comments it is of little comfort to the people who need someone to listen.

            I want to do this, I want to go back to school and make a career out of helping women who are in abusive relationships, I want to change the world, haha I know I can’t do that, but if I can turn what was a living hell into something good why shouldn’t I.

            When you left your ex your had your sweetie supporting you, you had someone who would hold you and comfort you, its is a totally different scenerio to go it all alone. And I mean ALL ALONE. There are days that this site is all that gives ME hope. Seeing twisted hearts comment today made me cry, to see how far she has come in a short time.

            I get a lot of support and encouragement here, cyber hugs even, I am a little hurt by your comment I must admit.
            I feel you are angry, why at me I really fail to understand, so enlighten me.
            I have nothing more to say.

            Liked by 1 person

            • You made a very good response Carrie. There’s little I could add to it…over 5 years out, I believe you have already indicated being indifferent to him, as I am mine. I can write about him or not…if only to help others see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I cut those ties a long time ago. Now, he’s just someone I used to know.

              Remembering does not make me sad, glad, yearning for him…there’s no hatred or anger anymore. I couldn’t care less…but I do believe there is therapy in blogging about what we went thru, for ourselves while we’re healing, and those newly out who are suffering…

              What I hate most of all is those who tell us to shut up and move on… I think it shows a lot of ignorance on the part of those trying to muzzle is for speaking about our experiences. Indeed, I see every time you write, that you have moved on, and are focusing on other matters like health, finances, housing…things all of us must deal with every day!

              I respect and applaud your efforts. I always enjoy reading your posts. By all means, I would encourage you to keep on writing whatever is on your mind…be it those everyday problems and hardships, or the psychopathic experience. I love your strength, wit, and compassion. The world could use a lot more of it!

              Hugs, and best wishes…yours, OM

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