Hierarchy Of Needs

According to Maslow, a person must satisfy the primary needs before moving to the next level of needs.

According to Maslow, person must satisfy the primary needs before moving to the next level of needs.

For those of you who don’t know who Maslow is, don’t feel bad; I didn’t either until I went back to school a few years ago and took Business Management and Marketing.

Maslow was a psychologist in the 40’s and developed the Hierarchy of Needs pyramid to demonstrate his theory that people have certain levels of needs and are motivated by these needs. He theorized that a person can not move up the levels without first satisfying the lower level needs.

Marketing firms use the hierarchy of needs as a tool to determine who to market their product or service to. Maslow meant it as a study in human nature and why some people reach their full potential and others don’t. He never meant it as a marketing aid as such.

I immediately equated it with people living in poverty and more recently with people in abusive relationships.

As you can see from the diagram above; primary needs are the very basics of life, air, food, water etc. If a person is thirsty that need will take precedence over any other needs he has until he satisfies his thirst because a person can live much longer without food than they can without water; but if say he is deprived of oxygen, then he would forget his thirst until he satisfied his need for air.

Once the needs on the lowest level are satisfied he then is free to concentrate on the next level of needs. Those are a need for shelter, safety, warmth and clothes.

It isn’t until the 1st two levels of needs are met that the person will then be motivated to satisfy his need for family, friends, and social interaction.
He will become more concerned with being well liked and “fitting in”. That is why many times a homeless person appears to lack pride or seems uninterested in what people think of him, because his focus is on food, shelter and staying warm, not making friends.

The very top level is self-actualization; or reaching a person’s full potential. This does not mean the person is perfect or living an extravagant lifestyle; it simply means the person is the best that they can be.

Self-actualized people are usually;
– accepting of others
– can laugh at themselves but never at someone else’s expense.
– can admit their flaws
– but accept the flaws of others
– lives life to the fullest, wanting to experience each event in every detail, finding joy in the simple things in life, a beautiful sunset, the smell of a rose, or how it smells after it rains in summer.
– is unafraid to voice opinions.
– is not intimidated by someone having a different view than his.
– is very moral and ethical.
– does not exploit others.
– wants to help others.
– sees the silver lining.
– nonconformist, walks to the beat of his own drum.
– is not concerned with fashions and trends.
– values having a few truly meaningful relationships and has no time for shallow friendships.
– lives independent of others for the most part, although he enjoys the company of others he needs and enjoys time alone.
– continuously learning and views life’s challenges as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Maslow believed that only 50 % of the population actually attain the highest level. He believed that if society ensured that a person’s most basic needs were met and if every one was encouraged and appreciated for being themselves almost every one would attain self actualization. Of course there really is no way of “measuring” a person’s self actualization because it is based on the individual person’s talents, intelligence, personality etc. A person could reach their full potential as a janitor, another person might be a scientist or great artist.

Many people never reach the top level because they get “stuck”, perhaps severe poverty as a child has left the person obsessed with always having food in the cupboard and stuck at level 1, child abuse might leave a person stuck at level 3 unable to form deep loving relationships. Or a person can have a set back, lose their job, their home is foreclosed on and they drop down a level or two until they can satisfy those lower level needs again.

Now, I don’t know if I agree totally with Maslow’s theory because I think family especially, is important at all levels but over all I can see how his theory explains a lot about poverty or why women go back to an abuser. The pyramid above is Maslow’s original diagram which has 5 levels.

Over the years since Maslow developed the hierarchy of needs people have tried to improve and expand it by added 2 and 3 more levels to the original, but I see no benefit to complicating matters.

I see the validity of his theory as far as why people get stuck in the cycle of poverty and why women get stuck in the cycle of abuse.

A person who is raised in poverty will probably have a social circle and could reach self actualization if all his needs are met and he feels accepted and appreciated for who he is. Where the problem often lies is with society who criticize and judge any one who is different and as a hole don’t encourage a person towards self actualization. I read a quote somewhere years ago, I won’t have it exactly right I’m sure but it went something like this;

“Put a person in his place often enough eventually he’ll stay there”

A person may suffer a financial crisis and lose every thing but as long as he has the support of close friends and family he may drop to level one or two for a brief period of time but once those needs are met he will quickly work his way back up the level of needs. I credit his quick recovery to believing in himself and that he deserves better which is enhanced by family and friends who believe in him also.

BUT if his needs are not met and he doesn’t have the support of family and friends he will remain on level one. The longer he remains at a lower level the more likely he is to stay there because his self confidence diminishes over time and it becomes a psychological problem.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs backs my theory that if you are proactive and help a person stay in their home and not wait until they are homeless to help them the person has a better chance of recouping from whatever set back they have suffered. I believe our government assistance programs are designed in such a way they keep a person in the cycle of poverty not help them get out. Once a person is homeless and hungry their only thoughts are of how to get food and shelter for that day. It is impossible for them to even entertain the thought of getting a job, it is human nature to take care of your primal needs first, but without a helping hand or a job the person will be stuck at level one or two always struggling to put food on the table.

I’ve always known the effect where I live has on me and my whole outlook on life and I think it is that way for most people, whether they realize it or not. Doesn’t anyone else feel a certain way when they pull in their driveway? If the grass is mowed and the gardens weeded and the front door is a pleasing colour and if it is clean inside you tend to be happy to be home. On the other hand if the grass needs mowing, the paint is pealing, the dog spread the garbage all over the yard and you know there is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink you aren’t as happy to be home, you don’t enjoy your time at home as much and I think those feelings trickle down to your other relationships. Think about it, it might just be me.

The experiences I’ve had over the past 12 years also backs this theory. Lately I have been frustrated with my inability to better my life, its been two years since JC and I split; I have always bounced back and done much better without him in my life. I would work my way up the list quickly and felt motivated to be the best I could be but I had help from my family. Plus I was never as totally broken as I was this last time either and without any emotional or financial help from anyone.

I wake up in the morning, come to the realization that this is my life; it wasn’t a bad dream and fight to drag myself out the door to make enough money to eat. I try to find joy in life and I think because I AM a strong person I have managed to hang on the brink for so long. But there is a constant feeling that at any minute my house of cards will come crashing down. It wouldn’t take much, my truck to break down, me to get sick, losing even one customer could topple me over the edge down to the bottom level. I am feeling desperate to find a place to live but I find the longer I live in the situation I am in the less motivated or the less able I am to do anything to change the situation. A person may come out of a homeless situation but they don’t do it alone, they need a hand up from someone, preferably before they end up homeless.

My cousin has had a difficult time financially lately, she was widowed 10 years ago and has a 15 year old daughter, she has never remarried. Her husband thought he had provided for her. But times are tough and the last few years she has found it increasingly difficult to make ends meet. Although she has years of banking experience her skills are out dated and after years of job hunting she is working at WalMart for barely over minimum wage. First her internet was cut off, then her gas, she couldn’t sell her condo (it needs some tlc) but was facing the prospect of lose it to the bank. She was at that precarious position of waiting for her cards to come crashing down. But a friend of hers (and her husbands) has come to the rescue and lent her the cash to buy a small house and fix up her condo so she can sell it and get into a financial situation she can afford. Like she said, she knows she is really lucky because she doesn’t know what she would have done if he hadn’t helped her.

She could have ended up living in a little trailer without running water.

A little positive reinforcement, a decent place to live, food, and clothes, is not a whole lot but enough to determine which side of the fence a person falls.

For most of the time JC and I were together he was pretty careful to keep his biological family and I at a safe distance. He had his adoptive mother snow balled but he was never able to really pull it off with his biological mom and siblings. His sister is a “say it like it is, no bull shit, no pretense” kind of person and I like that. I won’t go into details because it is not for me to tell but her marriage broke up, she moved to the downtown east side of Vancouver, was in an abusive relationship and was taken advantage of financially by her abusive boyfriend. Her children disowned her and she was very depressed and living in a tiny one room low rent apartment. JC was the only one in the family to keep in touch with her for a period of time. One day he called me and said she had just called him and was crying because she had no food, he was in Alberta and didn’t know what to do. I had made $200 that day and said I would drive into Vancouver and take her food and smokes. He wrote about it in his blog and said, “So like Carrie to do that”. (But I was such a selfish horrible person) I went and spent 1/2 of what I’d made that day on groceries and 4 packs of smokes and dropped them off to her. I only stayed a few minutes because I didn’t know her and felt she was a bit uncomfortable.

We really didn’t get to know each other until JC and I moved into Ladner which was quite close to Vancouver and then she started taking the bus out to visit us or we would go pick her up. JC started pulling his shit of arranging for her to come in by bus and then not show up to pick her up, she even had to turn around and go back home a couple of times. I figured out which buses she had to take to get within walking distance of our house and would walk up to meet her. With every visit she would stay a little longer and her and I became closer. We were discussing her b/f being abusive and how she kept going back to him when I couldn’t hold it in any more and said I could relate.

Things were getting really bad between JC and I and he had been telling her all kinds of lies about me. Finally she came to me and said, “this is what JC has been telling me, I want to hear your side of the story.” I had no idea he was lying about me and was extremely hurt and couldn’t help wonder what her motive was behind telling me. I told her my version and at first I am sure she didn’t know who to believe but there were some issues that once she heard my side she knew he had been lying because my version made sense and his didn’t add up. She stayed with us for a month and it didn’t take long before saw it with her own eyes and experienced his abuse herself. She was incredulous that I didn’t get enraged at some of the things he did. She would be in tears and I wouldn’t react but I had learned to shut my feelings off.

JC wasn’t contributing to covering the extra cost of her being with us so I started paying her to work for me. It was miraculous how quickly I could see a change in her whole demeanor. Putting in a hard days work, earning her own money and being able to contribute to groceries, and buy her own necessities gave her self confidence and self esteem enough of a boost that she was able to dump her abusive boyfriend.(you don’t realize the how something as simple as buying. Tampax can affect a woman’s self worth, to be able to go and buy it without asking for someone to give you the money is huge. Years ago I needed Tampax and JC and I were supposed to be going grocery shopping. He knew I needed Tampax but was wasting time in the shop. I had gone out several times and hours had passed and now I was in tears. He refused to let me go alone yet refused to leave when I “demanded” we leave. Finally he yelled at me to “use a Fu$& ing rag and shut the F up”. Then I wasn’t grateful enough when I did get them. It was horrible) She felt more attractive because she was doing something physical and could see muscles developing in her arms, plus she was getting male attention from the guys where we picked up. She was tired at night and didn’t need sleeping pills to sleep. She was happier and laughed more, her daughter and her started talking again and she always had some story about work to talk about. I was absolutely amazed at the difference in her in a very short time. I felt bad when her and JC had a falling out and she refused to ever come to the house again, but JC and I split shortly after anyway. I don’t think she has ever looked back and has been on a steady course of self improvement ever since.

It’s not me that made that transformation in her, she had it inside her all along, but she needed someone to facilitate her finding it again. I will be honest, there were times the last thing I wanted was her living with us, I knew we were on the brink of breaking up and I wanted us to have time alone to work on “us” (in hindsight it was all for the best) but I couldn’t bring myself to send her away when I could see how much good it was doing for her to work.

From listening to the stories of women who visit this site emotional and financial abuse are very common with narcissist’s and psychopath’s.

I think JC went to the extreme of abusive and find it hard to not believe he purposely set out to destroy me emotionally and financially the last time he begged me back. For one thing I told him straight up that if I went back to him this time my parents would disown me and cut off any financial or emotional support. He acknowledged that and said this time would be different; all the while knowing he was living with another woman in Alberta and had personal ads in numerous sites and had no intention of ending the communication with the woman in Africa. He eliminated my family support, without a truck and then my phone I lost contact with my friends and my business started to fail. As soon as I was dependent on him and at level two he started refusing to go grocery shopping and his son and I were eating rice for 3 days while he ate his meals out. He even hid the washing machine so I couldn’t do laundry. He reduced me down to level one where all I could do was think about food, my safety, and keeping a roof over my head.

The realization just hit me as I sit here typing. For some reason I hadn’t realized what he had done, not fully.

How evil, how cruel, how inhumane. And then he told me to get out. I think he thought I wouldn’t have any where to go and he would keep me as his punching bag (for a while longer anyway)

That is why I so want to start Ladies With Trucks, and I struggle daily to find the confidence to believe in myself and to do the necessary paper work to get it off the ground. It is so frustrating to not live in a place conducive to feeling motivated and empowered. That is why I want to empower other women; so no one ever feels this way. So maybe some day no woman will ever be reduced to being less than she can be.

No one has a right to break a person’s spirit and every single day I read of another woman who is broken, lost and looking for answers on how to put her life back together.

I haven’t had a phone for 4-5 days, another long story; but mine is being repaired. My most heartfelt apologies to all the women who have cried out here during that time. I have read your comments and am attempting to reply to everyone asap. I have not been ignoring you, I do care, we all care! Hang in there !

Hugs to all
Carrie

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30 Replies to “Hierarchy Of Needs”

  1. I think that is a very universal message right there; “No one has a right to break a person’s spirit.”

    I think the context I might use it is completely different than your’s, but I still think it applies to anyone.

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    1. You are right Michael, parents try to break a child’s spirit, a teacher may try with a student. No one has the right to break a person’s spirit, their spunk. If you don’t like a Spirited person walk away, you don’t have to break them. I’ve always thought about wild horses like that, they are so majestic and powerful in the wild and then they “break” them, it always made me sad.

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      1. I’ve had some friends do it. Now I just don’t care what anyone says, going to do what I enjoy doing or enjoy what I like without someone telling me otherwise.

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        1. Michael, I agree. You are never going to please every one. There are always those people who will shoot down anything you are excited about just because they are negative people and others who always know what everyone else should do. If you wait for approval you never accomplish anything except to make yourself frustrated. As long as you’re an adult and it doesn’t hurt another person then its no oneks business what you do.

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  2. You really are amazing Carrie, you need to publish this! The fact that you manage to put out such amazing writing from a cell phone is simply astounding. I have printed this out to read for myself, as a reminder of what is important.
    You need to put on your best clothes,print this out (without the names and your personal living situation included), talk as if youre already succeeded and are on the journey and go speak to your mayor/local councillor about having a regular session with women in need.
    as I said before, make friends with a local publication, send it to a womans mag, Then start putting it together in order of dates, and you could have it printed at a copy shop, made into a booklet to sell offline and online. You could ask local businesses if they want to sponsor a few and you could start putting them in abuse shelters. You need to remove the personal name out of it and just call him the ex. also the technical terms of Narcissim and psychopath will get you into legal trouble. Calling him disordered and an abuser is fine, youre allowed an opinion, but the medical profession want to be the only ones who hand out names.
    Perhaps starting a facebook page women with trucks may help you to collect women inside a cause and get your booklet out. Dont publish your stuff on there though, because you loose control over it.

    I have great faith in you, stop looking behind, hes just a shadow, You are living in the light now.

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    1. Dee! Thank you SO much!! You are too kind!! But you got me thinking and checking into it anyway.

      Putting my name as a tag is an excellent idea! I never thought of that! You have some great ideas, hopefully I will move soon and be able to set up a little computer area where I can use my printer etc, something has to break soon.

      I was thinking about approaching the high schools about talking to the girls about domestic violence. I don’t have a clue what a person would charge for something like that. But I really think young girls today need to respect themselves more. You know giving blow jobs thinking the guy will like them, putting naked pics up on. The net, sexting, and the guys have all the control, it is just training for domestic abuse later on

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  3. yes, having your name as a tag will make it easier to track when your post is used vis trackbacks. The school may be good, but maybe harder to get into if you want payment.. start getting the people who know you to sponsor a few booklets, print out ten of your best posts in a booklet.
    there must be a print centre near you. and a library or internet cafe? starbucks can be a good place for you to meet new people and keep warm you need that, and writers often hang out there, youre a writer.

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  4. I have come across Maslow before. Reading your post something else comes to mind. Sometimes, possibly without meaning to, you can inspire others around you to value their life and what they have more. Sometimes, in the fight you show to preserve a sense of normalcy you inspire others to stand up and have another go. You do both these things. There is a strength and realism in you which deserves to be rewarded, and I pray it is.

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    1. Countingducks, oh wow, you made me cry, thank you. Thank you so much. For so many years JC told me he couldn’t handle my warped sense of reality. I knew he was wrong but when you hear it so often you can’t help but doubt yourself. Thank you for the reinforcement and kind words. I needed them today.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Carrie,

    This is an epic post full of information and it nicely transitioned into a more personal story. You are a very intelligent woman undergoing many challenges in life; yet, your heart still goes out to others. I am so proud and glad to have met you through blogging. Stumbling this now and I hope others can read this post and understand that despite all of life’s trials and tribulations there are those like you who still shine bright and are able to share important thoughts and information that can help others in similar circumstances. All my best to you and if I don’t connect with you in the next couple of days … happy Thanksgiving.

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    1. Lafemmeroar, wow….thank you, I am speechless…..I truly don’t know what to say except thanks and you have no idea how much your comment means to me. I enjoy your site so much!
      Happy Thanksgiving to you also!
      And thank you again! You made my night πŸ™‚
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. No need to thank. It takes me some time to get to your blog sometimes, but what you write is so rib-sticking full of emotion that I always click out going hmmm…… your blog is what a personal blog should be. You are not afraid to let it all hang with honesty!

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  6. I found your site through Elisse’s website. πŸ™‚

    I first heard about Maslow during college Psych courses. I never thought that you could use it to explain an abusive relationship, but you did it brilliantly.

    I just ended things with a narcissist and I guess it is all just hitting me. I have been extremely anxious and crying like a baby for most of the day. It has only been 48 hours since I broke up with him and then tried to work it out and then he broke up with me and then I stopped trying to work it out, he contacted me and broke up with me again (yes, you read it right).

    I am just trying to maintain NC and my sanity. Having read a few of your posts, I am just amazed that you have been able to come out of that situation. It was almost as if he wouldn’t be satisfied until he destroyed every part of you.

    And if you want something, you have to go for it (easier said than done I know). Perhaps you are still dealing with the put downs and abuse; maybe you still believe that you aren’t good enough because JC said so. Screw JC.

    I look forward to much more from you and your blog.

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    1. Yikes, thank you so much for the words of encouragement and compliments; it means a lot. I used to be a “jump in with both feet” kinda person. If I wanted something I just went for it; I always figured, what have I got to lose? But I guess when you find out exactly how much you can lose, much more than monetary things but that too, you aren’t so quick to take the leap. I hate playing it safe though, no one ever made a difference in the world by playing it safe, there’s always a risk when you want something bad enough.

      I also know that if it is meant to be it will be in its own time and sometimes no matter what you do if the time isn’t right it ain’t gonna happen or if it does, it doesn’t work out like you hoped.

      Is that Doris Day I hear singing?? What ever will be will be….que sa ra ( I don’t know how to spell it ) lol
      Thanks for stopping by, I’m glad you are finding something worthwhile here.

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      1. Carrie, thank you for all of the replies. I was busy with Thanksgiving (and out of towners) but I did read your comments. πŸ™‚

        This site has really helped me and in a way kept me sane.

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        1. Yikes, I’m happy to be of help. πŸ™‚ I know I didn’t reply to all your comments, it got late and I was falling asleep lol you must have put a lot of hours in here! Too bad I don’t pay people!! Lol I appreciate the feed back though. I’ve learned so much since starting this site and I find a lot of comfort here myself.

          I hope you’ll stick around and keep me up to date on how you are doing.

          We’re all on the journey together and we all need a helping hand or a shoulder once in a while.

          Big hugs from Canada
          Carrie

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          1. Hi Carrie! Oh I have not been doing well at all. Lol. I know what Elaine is going through because I had to turn my phone off for a fee hours yesterday just so I wouldn’t call him!

            I have a son (who he met and hung out with when he came down) and he asks about him. 😦 I think that is the hardest part, disappointing him. I haven’t even told him that we aren’t together. I’m not ready.

            But I did take a big step (well not that big lol). I blocked him on Twitter just now. I haven’t been on there in almost two months but the N is there almost daily. I did NOT look at any of his recent tweets (I am too vulnerable & seeing him flirt with another woman AGAIN would send me on a nasty-I-hate-you text spree). I was shocked that he hadn’t at least unfollowed me since the break up 8 days ago. I stopped over-thinking and just hit Block. I also had a “dummy” FB account (I know, I know lol) and I deactivated that as well.

            We have never gone this long without talking to each other and I am feeling sad one moment, happy the next and then angry. I have been very angry lately. I just want to scream, “You fat country f*ck! How could you do this to me?!” But I know that will only make things worse.

            God I needed to vent. Thanks. Lol.

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            1. Vent away! Its been 2 years next week and I still vent sometimes. My ex had two FB accounts, one he had hidden and one that he would leave for me to see. I asked him to block me because I couldn’t stop torturing myself by going and looking (this was months ago now). He never did block me on the one and I knew the posts he put up were for my benefit like he had the “best birthday EVER!!” He and her went all day on his new bike. He got engaged and she is this wonderful woman and he is a lucky guy. How even”life’s bad times aren’t as bad when you are with the right woman”. I finally stopped checking because I knew he wasn’t going to be telling the truth anyway. I don’t know why I tortured myself like that for so long but it slowed the healing process down for sure.

              Mind you after a while it got so I was going in and trying to figure out what it was that I had found so appealing.

              In the 10 years I was with him we never went more than a week without talking even when we broke up. That’s why when he discarded me this last time, even though I was saying that was it, I’d never go back deep inside I figured he’d do what he always did and come back begging me to give him one more 2nd chance. And he was coming around; but he was stopping at my place on his way to see another woman! I found out quite by accident.

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  7. With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to you Carrie. I have not been able to stop reading your blog for the past 24 hours ior so. My NC started a week ago, and sad to say, instead of getting better, I seem to feel worse. ALONE. This blog has helped more than you wver know. The details are slightly different but oh, so much the same. When I am emotionally able I will start putting it all done but I’m still close to tears with every key stroke. Soon hopefully, it might help. Just know that you are a true blessing.

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    1. Elaine, hang in there, it is very hard at first. You must remember that for however long you were together he occupied your thoughts all day long; he made sure of it. At first it was because he was so in love with you calling you all the time etc and then because you were trying to figure out why he is so angry, then it was wondering if he’s cheating, will he wake up in a good mood?, will he come home in a good mood, will he come home!, if you say I love you will he say it back, if you cook this for supper will he eat it, who is he texting? Your mind is trained to think of him and you are trained to live for his approval. If you don’t have contact it is like something is missing. I used to think, “If I could just call and get 5 minutes of pleasant conversation I can make it through the day. We get so that any kind of attention is better than nothing, even lies were better than nothing, (or so we think). It takes a while to retrain your brain, you have to consciously think of something else, do something else to get yourself past the urge to contact him. Coming here is good because you get support and don’t feel so lonely, or go for a walk away from the phone and computer. As time goes by it will get easier and after a while you won’t want to break no contact because you’ve done so well and you know he will only hurt you.
      It is self defeating to contact him. Someday you will realize you don’t even remember the last time you thought of him let alone contacted him. btw I am not at that point yet, a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about him but it doesn’t hurt any more. I haven’t cried about him since I can’t remember.

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      1. Wow Carrie, you really nailed it.

        Elaine, I know exactly how you feel. I am on day 6 of NC and I am also feeling worse. I think that it is because (like Carrie said) we spent all of our time thinking about him from the moment we met him. Now, instead of happy thoughts we’re thinking about what he’s doing, who he is with, does he miss me.

        But Elaine if you really think about it, we were probably thinking these things before the relationship was over, when he began pulling away.

        He wants you to be anxious and off-balance at all times. It is how he stays in control. I know it is hard to believe that someone who “loved” you so much could do that to you, but that is what’s going on.

        When my NC began I was a mess for the first two days, ok on the third day, anxious on the fourth (it was Thanksgiving and I wasn’t sure if he would reach out; he didn’t), even more anxious on the fifth (because I realized that he didn’t care; if he did he would have called) and today I woke up with chest pains (but I’m not sure if that’s because of some spicy food I had last night lol). I think the reason it is getting harder Elaine is because as time goes by reality sets in and sometimes reality is very cruel.

        I don’t know if you initiated NC, if he has reached out, etc. I can’t wait to hear the rest of your story.

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    2. Please don’t break NC. I am six days NC and it is so hard. I constantly check my phone (I know that people tell you to change your number, but I won’t do that; I believe it is giving them too much power: “Wow I affected her that much that she had to change her number?!”) for texts or calls. I did change his ringtone from the default, that way I wouldn’t try to break my neck running to the phone everytime it rings.

      I haven’t blocked his texts or Twitter.

      I haven’t talked to him since Sunday, after the hours of torture, after I initiated the break-up and he was cruel about it, twisted my words and emotions into a pretzel and then I apologized because I felt guilty. He had me right where he wanted me, manipulated, depleted, crying and apologizing. He ended things in a text. I stopped texting him and hours later he asked if I wanted to talk on the phone. I thought that he wanted to get back together, why else would he want to talk after this? Nope. He called to twist the knife further. I apologized again, he dumped me again.

      Did he have to call me and do that? Did he think the break-up wasn’t clear in the texts? No and No. But a narcissist can’t just end things with you, they have to torture you, to bring you to your lowest.

      Again, Elaine I’m not sure if your N ended things or if he has reached out, but don’t break NC. When I stopped texting my N and he texted me hours later, I never should have responded. He did text me after I hung up, apologized and said how badly he felt. I never replied and I don’t think I ever will reply to him again. He is a sadistic person.

      I’m saying all of this to say that you just don’t know what you will get when you reach out Elaine. You are hoping to find the guy you first met, and you may, but he will go back to his true self eventually. Or maybe he had reached out to you and you feel badly because you haven’t responded. Don’t. He either A. has other supply that he is still juggling so if you don’t respond someone else will or B. he just wants to see how far he can push you until you have had enough (“I broke up with her multiple times and she’s STILL answering my texts/calls?! She must really love me or be desperate, either way she isn’t going anywhere”).

      It is not worth it.

      Like

    1. Oh thank you countingducks!! How sweet of you!! That’s so nice. Things are looking up I think, will know more in a few days. Don’t want to say much now until I know for sure. I’ll leave you with that “cliff hanger” haha πŸ˜‰

      Like

  8. You can fall back down the hierarchy???

    I was of the impression once self-actualisation was reached that it was much more a mindset thing than a money and house thing, no?

    Also self-actualised people have an ability to spot deception and untruth in the world as well as accepting these in people.

    Kind regards

    Like

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