Thanksgiving

In Canada we celebrated Thanksgiving last month and yesterday was Thanksgiving in the US. We need to be thankful every day of the year, it is good that we are reminded one day a year to think about what we have to be thankful for but so often the rest of the year we get so overwhelmed with life in general we forget how much we have to be grateful for.

We bitch because the kids don’t pick up behind themselves, but we have children, so many people would love to have a child to pick up after. They are kids for only for long and then they will be grown and out of the house and you’ll miss the running, laughing, eating you out of house and home. You will be able to fit a weeks worth of groceries in a hand basket instead of needing two shopping carts. There will never be tooth paste on the faucets, or a wet towel going moldy on the carpet and you’ll go to get the cookies you baked for Christmas out of the freezer and they will all be there and you’ll wish those days hadn’t gone by quite so fast. Sure you have to teach them to not be slobs but be thankful for the opportunity to do so.

I have a few letters I came across the other day from my son thanking me for loving him even when he wasn’t lovable and even when he didn’t love himself. I am thankful he felt that love because I know I’ve let him down at times and those are my greatest regrets in life; the times I let him down. It was always unintentional and I have apologized but I wanted to be a perfect mom. 🙂 I wasn’t perfect, but I guess that made me human too and showed him that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes but if you are sorry and say so at least you admit to them.

I forget all the things I should be thankful for, I have to remind myself every day because its very easy to see all the things I don’t have. But if I had the chance to do it all again what would I change? Maybe if I hadn’t met JC things would be different but would they be better? I’ll never know, how will the story unfold in the end? I don’t know but I will find out. I had a job offer yesterday, a company wants to make a position for me. They want me working there bad enough to make a position. That is quite a compliment and I don’t know when or if it will happen because there are a lot of variables but I was extremely complimented. My son called me yesterday and he has a possible new job closer to home and as a supervisor which would be so much better for him because it might mean he won’t need surgery on his shoulder.

I left JC with $5 and 1/2 a pack of smokes, almost $10,000 in debt due to repair bills or fines and a truck that wasn’t running and I was a shell of a person; unable to go a day without sobbing uncontrollably and some days I had to remind myself to breath. I didn’t want to live, I was so lonely, so heart broken.

And here it is, in one week it will be 2 years since I left. I survived, I have paid almost all the debt off, survived a suicide attempt, and survived a heart attack, and survived a broken heart. I may not have every thing I want but I survived, somehow, I don’t know how. Some parts of it are just a blur. I worried about money the whole time but I always made it through, the money came from somewhere. The strength to go one more day came from somewhere.

And in desperation, unsure of what I was doing or going to say I started this blog. I was going to talk to strangers about my personal life, bare my soul and reveal my pain to the world. Hopefully my pain would help someone else avoid ever going through the same pain or at least let someone know they weren’t alone in their pain. And I hoped it made me accountable so I would not contact him again, so I would stop begging him to love me again.

Here I sit, in awe of the wonderful people I have met through this site, I have witnessed people go from destroyed to confident, from downtrodden to having self respect, to begging to be loved to knowing they are lovable. From being abused to being strong enough to say, “Enough!”

I am so thankful that I had any part of that, helped in any way because I have received so much from this site. From people who have never experienced abuse but now understand and reach out with words of support. Days when I felt alone someone would have just the right words of encouragement to get me through another day.

I don’t even know what my stats are right now, last time I looked it was some where around 75,000 hits. I get more hits in a day than I did in a month a few months ago. That boggles my mind!

I received another two awards this week and I have to do up a separate post thanking the people who nominated me and passing the award along to other bloggers.

I just wanted to say what I am thankful for because this morning my heart is full, of love and gratitude for all of you. You saw me through the worst year of my life, how do you thank someone for that?

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Hugs
From me to u

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3 Replies to “Thanksgiving”

    1. Marina, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes its really dim but stay facing towards the light, don’t look back at the darkness. You know how you going into say, a theater and its so dark after being outside in the light, and it takes a while for your eyes to adjust? Kinda like that, once you adjust from the darkness of the N you will be able to see clearer and everything will be ok.

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