Give up? Not in my vocabulary!! Ten years with JC will attest to that! If that isn’t sticking power I don’t know what is. I hate to throw in the towel or admit defeat.
Although I don’t consider it being defeated any more. Now I view it as another stepping stone, a new adventure and I have a feeling it is meant to be; it’s time.
This isn’t just a job interview, oh no! This is a life altering major decision, but it feels nature; like it is a natural progression. Maybe I won’t even get the job but it won’t matter, I don’t think it would bother me because I am confident in my abilities and I honestly feel the company would benefit from my experience and abilities.
I have frustrated my mother and step dad with my refusal to give up my business. When the economy tanked my step dad called me daily wanting me to quit and get a “real” job. That God I had the strength and belief in myself to not succumb to the pressure because I did very well hauling scrap. I made damn good money and it was great for my self esteem, I learned something totally new and out of my comfort zone and I learned a lot about me.
I have been damn proud of what I accomplished, my name is known throughout the Lower Mainland and the Great Vancouver Regional District, I am recognized walking down the street and in stores. When I did it, I did it well. I’m not famous but I am well known and when my name comes up traits like; hard working, honest, responsible, friendly, professional, fair, and reliable are associated with it. I am proud of that, I accomplished what I set out to do, Prove that it is possible for a woman to succeed in a typically male profession and to earn an honest living in the scrap metal industry. I know I will be talked about years from now because I was the only woman thus far to succeed at it in this area.
It is coming up two years since JC and I split. Most of that two years has been a blur. I have felt emotions so strong I thought they would kill me, they did bring me to my knees. I can’t believe I made it through; I’m alive and I am going to survive; I think its going to be ok.
Years ago there was a gang related murder, someone had crossed the gang and they tied the guys hands to the steering wheel of his truck which was parked facing his beautiful big home. They torched his house and made him watch it burn and then shot him. That is the way I felt when I was with JC and he was destroying my business, like my hands were tied and I had to just sit there and watch it burn and it went on for over a year.
I can not describe the frustration, of not being able to stop it and of knowing I did it to myself by going back to him.
I have to give credit where credit is due and he did teach me how to drive a truck and I drive better than a lot of men. He was proud of me I know that, I know he was proud to say I was his girlfriend and i know he bragged about me to people. If only he could have just enjoyed life and what we had that was good. I always used to tell him, “You’ll never find a woman who will love you more than I do.” I guess that wasn’t important to him because he sure didn’t value it.
He not only sabotaged me and my business, he sabotaged himself and his own happiness for immediate gratification. What he wanted most in the world; to be loved and adored; was laying in bed crying because he was searching for a woman who would love and adore him. How sad.
Because I had the ability to be with a different man every night if I wanted he made sure he had a different woman every night even if it was on the net.
I criticize him a lot on here, he treated me horribly for the better part of 10 years and I did not deserve any of it. But it wasn’t all bad and that’s what kept pulling me back in to the web. I appreciated how talented he was, mechanically he was a genius, if he couldn’t get some thing running no one could. When we worked together we did well, we had fun, we “clicked” with people we met and were well liked, a lot of the time our minds were in sync, we would find the humor in the same things and I really appreciated his sense of humour and I love to laugh. I’d watch him playing his guitar and fall in love all over again. Or I’d go out to the shop and the sky would be lit up with the flashing light of his welder and I’d laugh to myself and shake my head, “the mad scientist” was at it again.
There was only one time I turned him down sexually, and that was right near the end. I have never loved making love to a man like I did him and I was at the prime of my life for some wild sex. No kids at home, I had gone through menopause, we could have done whatever we wanted where ever we wanted when ever we wanted and he was out in the shop or locked in the bathroom or on the internet looking for someone to love.
If I got a do over and could go back to the time I met him would I choose to not date him? No I don’t think I would, if I could make him love and appreciate me yes I would do that. But I wouldn’t want to miss out on loving him. Even if he was an illusion, even though he cheated on me, hit me, destroyed my business, made my family disown me, and said horrible hateful things to me; I wouldn’t have want to have missed loving him. Its not that he loved me so well, its that I loved him so well. I have never loved like that in my life and just loving him whether he loved me back or not; felt good. I don’t know if anyone can understand that. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone that much, maybe it wasn’t even love, maybe it was some sick obsession. I don’t even want to look for another man because I don’t think I could ever love some one that much again and to love someone any less after a love that strong just wouldn’t seem fair. I am ok with that, and I have no illusions that he loved me in the same way or loved me at all for that matter.
I’m ok with all of it. I’m ok with letting my company go now; I did my best against all odds and I succeeded. I loved my best and I succeeded. I took my pain and plastered it all over the internet in hopes of helping others going through the same thing; and I am succeeding.
My phone rang the other morning, I didn’t answer it because I know the minute I answer it will drop the call. I didn’t recognize the number but I still have my lender phone and it doesn’t have all my work numbers saved on it. When I got down the hill I checked for messages and there weren’t any so called the number thinking it would be a work call. There was no answer so the voice mail picked it up,”You’ve reached JC, leave a message”.
My stomach knotted up, a chill ran down my spine and I hung up immediately. For 1/2 the day I wondered why he would call, what does he want, should I call back or text and tell him not to call back?? But then it hit me, calmness, I don’t care, I don’t care what he has to say, there is nothing he could say to me that I want to hear or that I would believe and I have said everything I had to say to him. So I didn’t do anything.
On the other hand I fixed my own truck last week. The truck was running really rough, missing, no power so I checked under the hood and the exhaust pipe going to the manifold had come loose. Long story short I got an O ring, new bolts and some gasket making stuff and fixed it, it purrs like a kitten now. My heater wasn’t working so I checked my rad fluid and it was low so I filled it and now my heater works.
It feels good to be able to figure those things out, to be independent.
I know if someone would have told me I would reach this point 2 years ago I never would have believed them but to every one who is hurting out there; you do heal!! By some miracle you do heal!!
Now I must get ready and head out, big interview at 4:30 today. I think I am going to do well, but wish me luck.