Job Interview Today

Give up? Not in my vocabulary!! Ten years with JC will attest to that! If that isn’t sticking power I don’t know what is. I hate to throw in the towel or admit defeat.

Although I don’t consider it being defeated any more. Now I view it as another stepping stone, a new adventure and I have a feeling it is meant to be; it’s time.

This isn’t just a job interview, oh no! This is a life altering major decision, but it feels nature; like it is a natural progression. Maybe I won’t even get the job but it won’t matter, I don’t think it would bother me because I am confident in my abilities and I honestly feel the company would benefit from my experience and abilities.

I have frustrated my mother and step dad with my refusal to give up my business. When the economy tanked my step dad called me daily wanting me to quit and get a “real” job. That God I had the strength and belief in myself to not succumb to the pressure because I did very well hauling scrap. I made damn good money and it was great for my self esteem, I learned something totally new and out of my comfort zone and I learned a lot about me.

I have been damn proud of what I accomplished, my name is known throughout the Lower Mainland and the Great Vancouver Regional District, I am recognized walking down the street and in stores. When I did it, I did it well. I’m not famous but I am well known and when my name comes up traits like; hard working, honest, responsible, friendly, professional, fair, and reliable are associated with it. I am proud of that, I accomplished what I set out to do, Prove that it is possible for a woman to succeed in a typically male profession and to earn an honest living in the scrap metal industry. I know I will be talked about years from now because I was the only woman thus far to succeed at it in this area.

It is coming up two years since JC and I split. Most of that two years has been a blur. I have felt emotions so strong I thought they would kill me, they did bring me to my knees. I can’t believe I made it through; I’m alive and I am going to survive; I think its going to be ok.

Years ago there was a gang related murder, someone had crossed the gang and they tied the guys hands to the steering wheel of his truck which was parked facing his beautiful big home. They torched his house and made him watch it burn and then shot him. That is the way I felt when I was with JC and he was destroying my business, like my hands were tied and I had to just sit there and watch it burn and it went on for over a year.
I can not describe the frustration, of not being able to stop it and of knowing I did it to myself by going back to him.

I have to give credit where credit is due and he did teach me how to drive a truck and I drive better than a lot of men. He was proud of me I know that, I know he was proud to say I was his girlfriend and i know he bragged about me to people. If only he could have just enjoyed life and what we had that was good. I always used to tell him, “You’ll never find a woman who will love you more than I do.” I guess that wasn’t important to him because he sure didn’t value it.

He not only sabotaged me and my business, he sabotaged himself and his own happiness for immediate gratification. What he wanted most in the world; to be loved and adored; was laying in bed crying because he was searching for a woman who would love and adore him. How sad.
Because I had the ability to be with a different man every night if I wanted he made sure he had a different woman every night even if it was on the net.

I criticize him a lot on here, he treated me horribly for the better part of 10 years and I did not deserve any of it. But it wasn’t all bad and that’s what kept pulling me back in to the web. I appreciated how talented he was, mechanically he was a genius, if he couldn’t get some thing running no one could. When we worked together we did well, we had fun, we “clicked” with people we met and were well liked, a lot of the time our minds were in sync, we would find the humor in the same things and I really appreciated his sense of humour and I love to laugh. I’d watch him playing his guitar and fall in love all over again. Or I’d go out to the shop and the sky would be lit up with the flashing light of his welder and I’d laugh to myself and shake my head, “the mad scientist” was at it again.

There was only one time I turned him down sexually, and that was right near the end. I have never loved making love to a man like I did him and I was at the prime of my life for some wild sex. No kids at home, I had gone through menopause, we could have done whatever we wanted where ever we wanted when ever we wanted and he was out in the shop or locked in the bathroom or on the internet looking for someone to love.

How sad.

If I got a do over and could go back to the time I met him would I choose to not date him? No I don’t think I would, if I could make him love and appreciate me yes I would do that. But I wouldn’t want to miss out on loving him. Even if he was an illusion, even though he cheated on me, hit me, destroyed my business, made my family disown me, and said horrible hateful things to me; I wouldn’t have want to have missed loving him. Its not that he loved me so well, its that I loved him so well. I have never loved like that in my life and just loving him whether he loved me back or not; felt good. I don’t know if anyone can understand that. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone that much, maybe it wasn’t even love, maybe it was some sick obsession. I don’t even want to look for another man because I don’t think I could ever love some one that much again and to love someone any less after a love that strong just wouldn’t seem fair. I am ok with that, and I have no illusions that he loved me in the same way or loved me at all for that matter.

I’m ok with all of it. I’m ok with letting my company go now; I did my best against all odds and I succeeded. I loved my best and I succeeded. I took my pain and plastered it all over the internet in hopes of helping others going through the same thing; and I am succeeding.

My phone rang the other morning, I didn’t answer it because I know the minute I answer it will drop the call. I didn’t recognize the number but I still have my lender phone and it doesn’t have all my work numbers saved on it. When I got down the hill I checked for messages and there weren’t any so called the number thinking it would be a work call. There was no answer so the voice mail picked it up,”You’ve reached JC, leave a message”.

My stomach knotted up, a chill ran down my spine and I hung up immediately. For 1/2 the day I wondered why he would call, what does he want, should I call back or text and tell him not to call back?? But then it hit me, calmness, I don’t care, I don’t care what he has to say, there is nothing he could say to me that I want to hear or that I would believe and I have said everything I had to say to him. So I didn’t do anything.

No Contact!!

On the other hand I fixed my own truck last week. The truck was running really rough, missing, no power so I checked under the hood and the exhaust pipe going to the manifold had come loose. Long story short I got an O ring, new bolts and some gasket making stuff and fixed it, it purrs like a kitten now. My heater wasn’t working so I checked my rad fluid and it was low so I filled it and now my heater works.

It feels good to be able to figure those things out, to be independent.

I know if someone would have told me I would reach this point 2 years ago I never would have believed them but to every one who is hurting out there; you do heal!! By some miracle you do heal!!

Now I must get ready and head out, big interview at 4:30 today. I think I am going to do well, but wish me luck.

Hugs
Carrie

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13 Replies to “Job Interview Today”

  1. Good luck Carrie, you are a winner. Its been about 5 mths since I found your blog and I can honestly say it kept me alive when I was in a really bad place.
    I cried when I read your post….our lives are so parrallel in so many ways. You give me hope.
    So much I can identify with being proud to be my x’s partner, we worked well together, we made good money, but mine like yours sabotaged everything…..just did my head in.
    Yes I loved mine like no other and always prayed that the abuse was a dream and I would wake up and have the life we had when we first got together. I don’t believe I will ever give my heart as unconditionally as I did to him.
    You go girl…!!!! You are an incredibly strong woman and an inspiration. Hugs from Down Under xo

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    1. Jenn, thank you! for understanding about the loving him thing, a lot of people don’t understand it; I can’t even explain it: I just accept it and carry on.
      I am so glad you found that much comfort here. I have been there, wanting to die and I had a good friend drop by at the exact right time, I am glad I was there at the right time for you.
      thank you also for wishing me good luck, I feel very positive about this job, it is made for me. I can’t wait to start!

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  2. stop talking about this douchebag, your so much better than him, everytime you show him you still care. i can see him smirking while reading your posts. be indifferent. Honestly Carrie, fall in love with yourself and build up yourself. things are going to get a lot better

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    1. You know Dee, being with him changed me and not for the better. I used to be the kind of woman who while watching her man cross the street would get a warm fuzzy feeling and yell “Hey! That’s my man!”. I would put something sexy on and make a nice dinner and run him a hot bath and pamper him. I had no problem saying I love you, I had no problem feeling sexy and if I wanted sex going for it. I was very comfortable with who I was and quite outspoken.

      I am getting that back slowly, the outspoken part for sure, maybe even more than before. I thought about not mentioning it but you know what I don’t care what he thinks. Let him gloat if he wants, I am not sad about it any more, I don’t even remember what it felt like to kiss him. But it is what I feel, to say I don’t think about him would be a lie, and I started this so people would feel comfortable saying whatever was on their mind or heart and not worry about being told not to feel that way. For me to say it is natural, to not say it is him controlling me again, because the only way I wouldn’t mention it is because I know he’ll read it. I am not ashamed of it, he is the one who should be ashamed.

      I loved him, so sue me, and I loved him well, I don’t have doubts any more, I know I did the best I could to love him even when he made it almost impossible. All I was saying is I have gone 2 years beating myself up because I thought I failed at my business and because I failed to make the love of my life work. (Because that is what he wanted me to believe) well I don’t feel that way any more, I didn’t fail; he did. Whether he cares or not is none of my concern, my concern is my part.

      He doesn’t control me any more, he can’t shame me or intimidate me into being something I’m not and that would be someone who sits quietly and speaks when spoken to.

      I think for me to feel that way is a huge step and much healthier than worrying that he might get a woody knowing I loved him. If he doesn’t know that he’s really brain dead and if I didn’t have any good times with him then I stayed because I was a masochist.

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  3. Good for you Carrie, knock ’em dead!!!! I know how I felt those years ago when I was starting over after the ex N hubby. The pride when landing a real good job that turned into a career, The satisfaction of closing on the house of my dreams, the house that NO ONE can take from me. And to be able to say ” I did it myself!” He thought he destroyed me. I know he wanted to so badly, and he nearly had, from all appearances. Somewhere, somehow, I found something left inside, some little part, that wouldn’t die, maybe revenge? I dunno. To see the look on his face when he flew down for my grand daughters birthday ( she lives with me,her and her Mama ) ” nice house” he said. Damn right!!!! My revenge has been to continue breathing, surviving and flourishing, despite all the sh^t he threw my way.

    And there have been a couple since then 🙂 But I have learned valuable lessons….will never co mingle my finances with anyones, EVER again. The grand baby’s N daddy tried. He failed, although, I am sure he doesn’t realize it, not yet. Still keeps trying. A day to day struggle to keep him at bay. Funny how they all seem to not mind calling something that is NOT their’s their’s. I think they know, deep inside, but appearances are everything. If others think it is yours that’s all that counts. Even if it’s not.

    I admire your courage, your stamina and your down right persistence.

    Your statement about “love” also made me think………… LOVE isn’t supposed to hurt, ya know???? And if it wasn’t LOVE, then what was it???

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    1. Ellie, I woke up this morning and sat at the table with my coffee and then all of a sudden I just sobbed and couldn’t stop. I was so close to breaking, so desperate, hanging on by my finger nails, not knowing how I was going to survive, feeling so all alone. I could have kissed the guy last night!! The job is made for me; well in fact they are creating a job for me so it really is a job made for me. It combines what I went to school for marketing and bus management, my scrap experience and my personality. They are very community minded and want me out there working with the community and a lot of PR type stuff which is right up my alley. I have to sign a 3 year “no competition” and of course Lady Witha Truck will get retired but that leaves LWT to start up again as “Ladies with trucks” which is better anyway.

      I don’t know what it is, (the love) I think on our part we truly love them and we think that the nice guy is the “true self” and they have been so hurt in the past that they sabotage anything good that comes their way. I thought that I could love JC enough that he would see I wasn’t going to leave him like all the others. He would show just enough sweetness between the abusive parts to keep me hoping, until the discard stage.

      I realize now, but didn’t see it at the time, he would do stupid things to get fired like steal things, not show up for work and I think he hated working because he didn’t know where I was. I was the only woman he had been with that had a job. When I wasn’t working he made sure I didn’t have transportation or money and when I was working he sabotaged my truck. We always ended up homeless because he would get fired so then I’d be totally dependent on him and he’d be so thankful I stood by him and tell me how things were going to get better and how as long as he had me he could get through anything. But then he’d turn shithead again and I’d finally leave and get a place to live and he’d come around looking good, new job full of promises and I’d start seeing him again and next thing you know he is living with me and the cycle started over. Often when I took him in I felt sorry for him, sleeping in his truck so I’d let him come and shower and feed him and then he wouldn’t leave. I got sick of that and that’s when we had been nc for a few months and he had gone to Red Deer.

      I think I loved him and did everything I could to make it work. I accepted things about him that were “just the way he is” because there were other things about him I really appreciated. I think I did what anyone in love should do, accept the person’s flaws and insecurities because there is so much good stuff to counter it. He didn’t operate the same way and wasn’t in love, he wanted the impossible. So it became sick and twisted. But it started out as love.

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      1. I had that same reaction, uncontrollable sobbing, when I closed on my house. 🙂 I understand. 🙂 No one understood, the realtors, the attorneys, my daughter did , though, she cried too, been through years of H E L L. I felt “vindicated” ?, Is that the right word? I still walk around it, in wonder, it’s not even been 2 years since we have been here, wondering when it will all disappear. That’s their legacy, the wondering thing, Waiting for the other shoe to drop 😦 Accepting that nothing, ever, is what it seems to be. All these years, I have never been able to shake THAT. Wonder if I ever will?

        So proud of you , girl!!!!! Wooohoooo and hugs!!!!

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    2. Ellie, it does feel good, he tried his hardest, you gotta give him credit, not many people would dedicate that much of their life to destroying someone else. And people think narcissist’s are selfish!! (Sarcasm)

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