Bonding With A Stranger

I had a wonderful and unexpected experience last night.

I went over to my girlfriend’s for a visit and to use her internet. While I was there she had some friends drop by. The girl was very outgoing, talkative and upbeat kind of person and I immediately took a liking to her, she was typical of the kind of friends my friend has. Usually when my g/f gets a group of her friends together there is a lot of lively conversation.

I was only listening with 1/2 my attention because I was trying to catch up with comments on here, so I don’t remember how we got on to the topic of this girls eye; but she revealed that she had lost her eye due to her ex somehow hitting her in the face with a broom. She recalled the events and said she remembered him being angry and hitting a box with it, he said it broke and flew and hit her by accident, the police say the broom was intact when they investigated the incident.

Either way, she lost her eye and now has a prosthesis eye. I must say it was very hard to tell she is a very pretty young woman. But she was saying the police pressed charges against him but she refused to testify against him and even walked into the courthouse with him holding his hand. She related some of the abuse she suffered from him and I closed my laptop and was listening at first but then I asked if she had ever researched narcissism or psychopaths and she hadn’t even heard of narcissism which is so typical as we all know. Before I knew it, it was like it was only her and I in the room. We went back and forth, one barely finishing a sentence before the other finished it for her and guess what! Our ex’s had the same name!!
Just as it is in here, our stories were eerily the same, and she felt as I do that she was lucky to escape with her life.

There was one guy in the room and my girl friend who both sat quietly and listened to the exchange that went on for God knows how long.

It got to be 2:30 in the morning before I realized I was getting sleepy and she said she had to get going. My g/f said something about us really having a bonding experience and almost group therapy session and mentioned that the guy had shown a lot of respect and restraint to just sit there listening and not getting bored. He said he didn’t mind at all because his biological father had treated his mom badly. But we were all in agreement that it hadn’t been depressing in the least, we all felt better for it. The other girl said she hadn’t talked about it like that before, that she wasn’t usually that open especially with people she doesn’t know but with me understanding where she was coming from and not judging her for staying etc she felt comfortable to share her experiences and in sharing them she got closure and insight into feelings she hadn’t previously acknowledged. She is with a really nice guy now but shares children with her abusive ex and said he still scares her, he can still control her and she knows she can’t be his friend but she has a hard time cutting him from her life. She knows his new g/f and he hasn’t changed at all and of course everything is always her fault as we all know too well. She admitted she can’t hate him, she doesn’t want to go back but no one understands why she can’t hate him. She said there must be something wrong with her. I told her I totally understand and there is nothing wrong with her.

I invited her to come here for a visit and I hope she does.

When she was leaving she came over to me and introduced herself and I stood up and gave her a hug. I felt like we had formed a very special bond last night. We might never see each other again but we both came away from this chance encounter enriched with a new understanding and feeling less alone.

She was very happy for me for getting my new job and she said admired me for my strength to over come and survive. But I was looking at her and seeing this upbeat, strong woman who has survived way worse abuse then I did and thinking how strong she is.

There is a huge misconception about abused women and men; it is that they are weak.

I think the reason people are abused and don’t leave is not because they are weak, they do it because they are strong. They think they can withstand the abuse and help their abuser, they are giving, loving people who won’t give up on the person they love when things get rough. Not every one can love like that, not everyone has the strength to endure that kind of daily verbal and emotional abuse. We may eventually feel broken because we have depleted all our resources but that strength is in us and we get strong again. If you think you can’t survive the pain you are feeling, if you think you aren’t strong enough, know that you are stronger than you know, you have already survived what would bring some people to their knees. You will survive!! Just don’t hold it inside, don’t let his words echo in your ears, speak it, put a voice to your secret fears that it really is your fault and release yourself from undeserving guilt over your own abuse.

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26 Replies to “Bonding With A Stranger”

  1. I lived with my N 6.5 years and he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me daily. He was extremely jealous, isolated me from my family,my grown kids and was kept from leaving the house alone by him disengaging my car. He told me that he knew everything and all I has to do was do everything he said. He would yell at me constantly at home and in stores and man, the looks that people gave him, and he was completely unscathed by it all. I left him for the last time…it’s been 6 mos. And he still calls 12-20 times daily. I’ve told him I don’t want to talk to him anymore and he still begs that he loves me and at age 61 he doesn’t want to start dating anyone again. He complely ignored me when I was with him and I became physically I’ll daily. My bad health was due to all the stress and it created so many problems for me that I was no longer able to work and lost everything because I gave it all up for him. I am on SsI now and I got a place to live but have lost43 lbs, partly due to PTSD fro the N and can’t seem to shake it.He cries and begs me to come back,which I did over and over again. I kept trying to please him to no avail. He would tell me that I was not human,that I was evil and that if I ever left him, bad Carma would follow me and something drastic would happen to me just like it did to all of his ex’s and anyone who didn’t get along with him. He seriously believes that the people that didn’t do what he said it simply disagreed with him about anything,that they have passed on or have had bad things happen to them because they wouldn’t listen to him. He would always want me to quote what one of us said verbatim from 6yrs. Ago to present. He was always so proud that he would always quote exactly what everyone said…to prove a point and to show once again that he was superior to me and everyone else. I am in misery with his continuing to call and leave messages. I keep my ringer off, but now I know that I have to block his number. But after I don’t answer a day or two, he shies up at me door and we live 50 miles apart in different cities. I need advise quickly. I have been reading all your posts Carrie, and you and the others are my only family and friends now. Carrie, the way you word things is sweet refuge to me. It makes me feel like I a alive again and I know you care about us all. You are truly my HERO!

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    1. Get a restraining order. If he shows up call police. Let your neighbors know to call police if he shows up. You must have a picture still of him? That’s what I’m probably going to need to do. I just abandoned my N at his mothers house which is 197 miles away from my house. I tricked him into staying at his moms while I went to deal with my banking issues with my ex at my bank with my ex. My N was getting clean for his probation appointment tomorrow. Now his moms screaming at me leaving me voice messages! She doesn’t want him either. Whst does that tell you?

      Good luck. You got out and that’s smart. Now do what you can to keep him away .

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