When we were with the narcissist he intentionally did things to hurt us, perhaps some times he didn’t even know he was hurting us because he is incapable of understanding why we hurt.
Once again that brings us back to NO CONTACT. Every time we have contact with the narcissist we are setting ourselves up to be hurt. Now some of us have no choice because we have children with the N and must be in constant association whether we like it or not. In that case we must let go of any expectation of the ex. If he was capable of changing and dealing with us in a way that wasn’t hurtful we wouldn’t be going through this now. To expect that he has changed somehow and is now going to treat you civilly is unreasonable, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed every time you have an interaction with him.
You are starting your new life without him; whether you made the decision to end it or he did makes no difference. To ask yourself or others, “Why does he have to keep hurting me?” The answer is, “Because we let him.” You may think, “How is MY fault he is always late picking up our child?” “How is it MY fault he never sends decent clothes with her when she comes to stay with me?” “How is it MY fault he always has to tell me how happy he is with his new woman, I don’t ask him”.
It’s your fault because you are expecting him not to, you know he is incapable of feeling compassion, guilt or showing common decency. You know he loves to push your buttons and get a reaction, so stop expecting anything different. He hurts you because he can; plain and simple.
If you don’t have children then it should be easy, you avoid all contact with him/her. There is no need to have contact, unless you are wanting to stay a victim.
What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
I remember shortly after JC and I split I let Kato run loose in a field I thought was totally fenced. Well, he disappeared almost instantly and would not come. He never did come when I called, JC always would have to call him and then Kato would run straight to me. I didn’t panic at first, Kato usually came back within a 1/2 hour but when an hour passed and there was no sign of him and I had walked the whole field I started to panic. I walked back to the truck thinking he might have gone back there and was waiting for me. When he wasn’t there then I panicked that maybe he had come back to the field, saw I wasn’t there and gone looking for me. I was a basket case running back and forth crying, cars were stopping to see if I was ok and I called JC. Of course he didn’t answer so I tried texting, I knew he lived close by and ended up begging him to come help me find Kato. He never responded.
I eventually got my truck, drove to the field, parked facing the field and decided I would spend the night there if need be; I was not leaving without my little buddy. It was getting dark and every few minutes I could hear some businesses alarm going off, then it would quit and 5-10 minutes later it would sound again. I was so angry with JC for not coming and helping me, would it have killed him to take 5 minutes to come and help me. I was thinking if I lose Kato it will be JC’s fault because he could have come and called; he could have even brought “her” for all I cared I just wanted Kato. Then I heard the sound of his choker chain and thought I was imagining things; I got out of the truck and Kato came from behind the truck, ran around the front, and practically bowled me over trying to scramble into the truck. His whole body was wagging and he was panting hard. We hugged for the longest time with me admonishing him the whole time. He had to have walked right up the busiest street in the area because it was behind me. The alarm I had been hearing must have been him stuck in some businesses yard and every time he tried to get out he set off the alarm. He was obviously just as happy to see me as I was to see him.
Did he learn any lessons from that, no; he still buggers off and doesn’t come when I call. Did I learn any lessons from it? Yes, I learned I couldn’t rely on JC any more.
That’s not to say I didn’t try once or twice more to get him to care but I am a slow learner when it comes to JC but eventually do learn and knew if I wanted him to stop disappointinG me and hurting me I had to stop setting myself up to be hurt. As much as it hurt that he had moved on, it was done; I had to accept it and move on myself. There was no way I was ever going to heal if I kept contacting him about seemingly important things that “only he could help me with”.
He probably handled it just the way he should have, in the end probably the kindest way he could have. If he would have come and brought her I would have been hurt, I would have felt needy and she would have pissed on her territory and had an attitude. It would not have been good for me and it ended with me solving my own problem without the help of JC. What I had really wanted besides help getting Kato was; I wanted JC to care, I wanted to be important to him, I wanted him to talk to me like he used to talk to his ex’s when I was with him. I wanted her to feel insecure like I had when he used to talk to his ex.
What I really wanted was I wanted him to still love me, even though in my head I knew it was for the best he was gone, I didn’t want to let go.
Yes he hurt me, he treated me horribly, he cheated on me, sabotaged my business, and lied about everything and I had every right to be hurt over those things, but they were in the past. He had hurt me and then even though he did it in the most cruel way possible he did the kindest thing and discarded me. I knew the only way he could keep hurting me was if I let him.
What we have to remember is; it’s done, its over, he is not going to change and he has done you a favor by moving on. Accept it and stop allowing him to hurt you. From this day forward you are responsible for your own happiness. You always have been. You always have a choice. Like he said to me that day; “And what did you do?” …………. I stayed. The truth hurts.
Yes I hurt because he lied and cheated and he had no reason to ever hit me and I thought I couldn’t leave without money and a place to go but I still had a choice because in the end I did leave with nothing and its been hard but I have survived for 2 full years and will continue to survive because I am reliant on myself, I made a choice; the only healthy one I could make. I took back my control and stopped letting him hurt me.
We may tell ourselves that we don’t want them back, we just want them to treat us with respect and not purposely hurt us. Listen to yourself, why on earth is he going to treat you with respect now when he never did before? You are lucky if you get indifference from him, you don’t want him to be nice; that would mean he has changed and then you’ll want him because now he is changed. You want him to admit he hurt you, that would mean he’s changed because the man you lived with for however long never admitted any blame. You can’t have it, it would require him changing; do you want him to change now; after he left you (or you left him). IF he did change do you now want to be his buddy? Where is it going to get you. Exactly what would you get from him giving you an apology and admitting to everything he did wrong, would you be happy to know the new woman is getting the man you always wanted? What excuse can he give you for hurting you that is going to make it all better? No matter what he says it is going to hurt even if he isn’t trying to. Personally I am much happier knowing JC hasn’t changed than thinking he is all the things I ever wanted with some other woman. And even if he HAD changed, he still doesn’t want us. You know I am damn thankful he hasn’t changed because then I can move on knowing my only fault in the whole relationship was staying too long, that he is what he is and be thankful he is her problem now not mine.
He can not mend your heart so stop trying to get the impossible. But he hurt you. Yes he DID hurt you he is not “hurting” you any more, from this day forward whether he hurts you or not is totally within your control. You can remain a victim or you can deal with the pain, take the time and steps to heal, demand respect instead of ask for it next time and set boundaries that you stick to. Learn from the relationship how to respect yourself in such a way that you don’t allow anyone to disrespect you ever again.
If you have children, stop giving up your power, don’t expect him to call you if the teacher has an issue with your child. Go into the school, make an appointment to speak with all your child’s teachers and explain the situation as briefly as possible and get her/him to call you directly. Tell them you want a copy of the report cards, if you want have all your child school work photo copied and sent to you. You have that right. Don’t rely on him to keep you informed; you know they will abuse any power you give them.
As much as we all like to be flexible, don’t give them an inch, they have their days to have the child and it would be great if you both could be flexible on when you have the child(ren) but you know as well as I do. You will be flexible and he won’t appreciate it, and he won’t do the same for you and he will still try to make you out to be a lousy parent. So adhere to the child custody agreement to the letter, then there is no arguing, no hurt feelings, no misunderstandings. If he never sends clean and decent clothes with the kids, go to a second hand store and buy a couple of outfits that stay at your house. All that needs to be said to the child is that it makes it easier for them when they pack. No need to tell them its because he/she is playing games and refuses to send decent clothes.
If he/she doesn’t show up or is consistently late, allow a time limit; say one hour; if they are not there you carry on with your day. Now if it is to drop off your child to you or you go to get the child and they aren’t there, wait a reasonable time, try to call once, and then report it to the appropriate authority. Have it all witnessed and noted. No point in getting angry, that will prove he can push your buttons. Be calm, rational and by the book. Either he will follow the rules or he will lose custody of the child, there need not be any discussion about it, no warning; “if you don’t do this I will do that”. The judge laid out the rules, you both abide by them and it is cut and dried. You do not have to deal with him any more, just have a pen and paper handy to note times and days so you can report back to the judge.
The days of being a door mat are behind you. You won’t be immediately pain free but you will find the more control you retain and not hand over to the N the happier you are and the easier it is to deal with him because he won’t be able to upset you. He will appear childish and almost humorous instead of evil and manipulative.
That’s it for today. I must get out of here and go to work! I don’t start my new job until the new year so I have 3 more weeks to wait. That’s ok its slow through Christmas unless you work in retail so I will wait until the new year. I hear from a reliable source the world isn’t going to end on Dec 21st.