I Am Just So Dang Tired

Some things to ponder.

I have typed up several lengthy (what’s new) posts recently, and haven’t finished any of them.

My new job starts in the new year and I have been having anxiety attacks because have been disappointed so many times in recent years I have begun to doubt anything good will ever happen in my life. I hate being negative like that and like they say “negativity breeds negativity” or what you dwell on you bring to fruition. Its just so hard to not be guarded when all your dreams and hopes have been stomped on and you are alone.

It doesn’t help that I live in that hell hole. It is no longer a place I dislike: it has become the symbol of everything horrible in my life. I hate the place with a passion and it is sucking the life out of me. Better than nothing? Barely. I have been so cold lately, so cold that with my winter boots on inside my toes have been so cold they hurt. So cold that I went to bed at 7 pm last night with all my clothes on and my winter vest so I could snuggle up to the puppies and be warm. It’s very hard to be enthusiastic about anything when you are that cold all the time. No hot shower, if you cook anything you have to unplug the heater. Even having a sponge bath and washing my hair was a 2 hour ordeal yesterday during which I shivered uncontrollably.

The puppies go straight to bed when they get home and I have been really doubting how fair it is that I keep them with me. I am horribly short tempered.

I can’t even be excited about my new job, its like the cold Sucks all the life out of me. When I talk to my boss – find my conversation is stilted because all I can think about is how cold I’ve been and am going to be when I get home.

I have lived in worse places with JC but never have I been cold like this. It is inhuman. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for the homeless. I tell you this; its no damn wonder they aren’t looking for work or too chipper.

I haven’t been posting much or going to other blogs because the only way I get the internet is if I have my phone over the stove. (Don’t ask me why) and my back is killing me from leaning over plus I didn’t want to be a downer and all I can think about is how cold I am. I play Suduko or word mole to pass the time.

I was going to shut the blog down because I just can’t do it but so many people use it to vent and support each other I have decided to leave it up and switch my setting so that comments don’t get moderated. JC hasn’t commented since I busted Norma and he’s probably moved on. If I am not posting he won’t have anything to comment about anyway.

Until I get a decent place to live I can’t do anything else. I feel totally broken again and the only tie it has to JC is he put me here by destroying my business or that’s the way I see it. Still dealing with the after math of being with him 2 years later.

My mom invited me from Christmas dinner, it seems rather superficial to go and put on a happy face when the rest of the year I am living in abject poverty. Its hard to have the Christmas spirit, this is the first year of my adult life, the first year in my life there won’t be any decorations or a tree. Even in Walmart”s parking lot I decorated for Christmas. I am just too beaten down, too worn out to care.

Here is a passage from the bible I thought very interesting. I don’t know where my faith has gone either. It used to be strong but after I lost the house in Sask, JC’s mother (the woman who quoted scriptures for every event and prayed with me and encouraged me to look to God for answers) lied to me and JC abused and lied and stripped me of everything and I discovered the depth of his lies; my faith has left me also. I want to believe in a higher power, someone who wants the best for me and I want to be patient but I am hanging by a very frayed thread.

Timothy 3:1-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

Godlessness in the Last Days

3 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.

I will be back when I am able.

If I don’t see you before Christmas, have a very Merry Christmas and a safe and happy holiday season! Thank you all for all your love, encouragement, support and kind words in 2011. You guys brought me through the worst times of my life, how does one say thank you adequately for that?

Remember NO CONTACT!!!!!

Love always
Carrie

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24 Replies to “I Am Just So Dang Tired”

  1. I am just calling by to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in 2013 my sweet friend 🙂 🙂 Be good and be merry 🙂 lol

    Andro xxx

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    1. Ray’sMom, thank you so much! It means so much to me that I am in your thoughts. 2013 is going to be my year. Someday I will look back and marvel at what I survived. I didn’t think I would make it to Christmas and we are only two days away. Before I know it the new year will be here.
      I hope you have a good Christmas and 2013 holds whatever you pray for. I know Christmas must be hard for you; I can’t imagine losing my child, what I am going through is just physical discomfort that will going away.
      God bless you through Christmas and the coming new year.
      Hugs Carrie

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  2. Carrie, Whenever it is you get this, I hope truly it reaches you in wellness.

    I can truly feel your fatigue. I like being in touch with you, & I want to see your life change & your successes, so hope you don’t shut down. Yet also, if blogging is arduous you wouldn’t want to continue on.

    It’s fine if you can’t visit & whatever. Just stay well. My gosh – the new job sounds so promising. But you’re right – negativity breeds same, so try not be negative. Embrace it, & the new year, & wellness to you I wish & wish.

    Hope Christmas was okay – and you only went to your mum’s if you wanted.

    Try try & embrace a new life, Carrie. You’ve done the hard yards, no need to keep doing them. I reckon new job, new people, new income, new look.

    xx N’n.

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  3. Carrie, Thank you so much! I’m sure I speak for others when I say take as much time as you need away from the blog but PLEASE don’t take it down! (Said in my best and most pathetic pleading voice:) I just found you today and already have learned so much from your experiences. I have an entirely different set of circumstances but the behaviors are identical!

    Don’t feel pressured to post anything! Let those who have gained from your experiences support YOU as you start a new job and a new year:)

    Best of luck to you! You have proven that you CAN do HARD things!!!

    ~Rachel

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