I Am Just So Dang Tired

Some things to ponder.

I have typed up several lengthy (what’s new) posts recently, and haven’t finished any of them.

My new job starts in the new year and I have been having anxiety attacks because have been disappointed so many times in recent years I have begun to doubt anything good will ever happen in my life. I hate being negative like that and like they say “negativity breeds negativity” or what you dwell on you bring to fruition. Its just so hard to not be guarded when all your dreams and hopes have been stomped on and you are alone.

It doesn’t help that I live in that hell hole. It is no longer a place I dislike: it has become the symbol of everything horrible in my life. I hate the place with a passion and it is sucking the life out of me. Better than nothing? Barely. I have been so cold lately, so cold that with my winter boots on inside my toes have been so cold they hurt. So cold that I went to bed at 7 pm last night with all my clothes on and my winter vest so I could snuggle up to the puppies and be warm. It’s very hard to be enthusiastic about anything when you are that cold all the time. No hot shower, if you cook anything you have to unplug the heater. Even having a sponge bath and washing my hair was a 2 hour ordeal yesterday during which I shivered uncontrollably.

The puppies go straight to bed when they get home and I have been really doubting how fair it is that I keep them with me. I am horribly short tempered.

I can’t even be excited about my new job, its like the cold Sucks all the life out of me. When I talk to my boss – find my conversation is stilted because all I can think about is how cold I’ve been and am going to be when I get home.

I have lived in worse places with JC but never have I been cold like this. It is inhuman. I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for the homeless. I tell you this; its no damn wonder they aren’t looking for work or too chipper.

I haven’t been posting much or going to other blogs because the only way I get the internet is if I have my phone over the stove. (Don’t ask me why) and my back is killing me from leaning over plus I didn’t want to be a downer and all I can think about is how cold I am. I play Suduko or word mole to pass the time.

I was going to shut the blog down because I just can’t do it but so many people use it to vent and support each other I have decided to leave it up and switch my setting so that comments don’t get moderated. JC hasn’t commented since I busted Norma and he’s probably moved on. If I am not posting he won’t have anything to comment about anyway.

Until I get a decent place to live I can’t do anything else. I feel totally broken again and the only tie it has to JC is he put me here by destroying my business or that’s the way I see it. Still dealing with the after math of being with him 2 years later.

My mom invited me from Christmas dinner, it seems rather superficial to go and put on a happy face when the rest of the year I am living in abject poverty. Its hard to have the Christmas spirit, this is the first year of my adult life, the first year in my life there won’t be any decorations or a tree. Even in Walmart”s parking lot I decorated for Christmas. I am just too beaten down, too worn out to care.

Here is a passage from the bible I thought very interesting. I don’t know where my faith has gone either. It used to be strong but after I lost the house in Sask, JC’s mother (the woman who quoted scriptures for every event and prayed with me and encouraged me to look to God for answers) lied to me and JC abused and lied and stripped me of everything and I discovered the depth of his lies; my faith has left me also. I want to believe in a higher power, someone who wants the best for me and I want to be patient but I am hanging by a very frayed thread.

Timothy 3:1-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

Godlessness in the Last Days

3 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.

I will be back when I am able.

If I don’t see you before Christmas, have a very Merry Christmas and a safe and happy holiday season! Thank you all for all your love, encouragement, support and kind words in 2011. You guys brought me through the worst times of my life, how does one say thank you adequately for that?

Remember NO CONTACT!!!!!

Love always
Carrie

24 thoughts on “I Am Just So Dang Tired

  1. Paula

    Think of the Eskimos and think of everyone you’re helping. How do they make it through the cold, harsh winters? Somehow. And you can, too. If a break is what you feel you need, then you definitely need it. I re-read your posts often. Very validating. Stay strong. Focus your energies on your new job. Be selfish. 🙂

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    1. T

      I am hugely moved by your story. Sounds like maybe you are living in your truck in the cold? I don’t want anyone else to know where I am located, or I would call you. I would like to do something to help. Can I have YOUR phone number please?

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  2. Jenn

    Hey Carrie, not sure if you will get to read this……scarey quote from the bible……but please try to focus on something positive…..AS YOU THINK SO SHALL YOU BE…….2013 the year of positive change…….it’s all coming to you, hang in there the worst is over and the best is yet to come.
    I totally feel your pain and can relate to everything you feel…..as you and I are in similar situations although I am only 5 mths out not 2 yrs….I have found that tiredness is what makes the mind run amok, we seem to feel the cold worse when we are tired….viscious circle…without your blog I don’t know where I would be right now, I was in a really bad place…..you helped me….stay strong baby girl……new job, new life, focus on your strengths….write them down, put them on the wall, read them everyday…….sending you massive hugs…hope they keep you warm…!!

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  3. Lora Goulet

    Dear Carrie, WOW! Even under the worst of circumstances you manage to give so much love and uplifting inspiration. You know, (with regards to your former N’s “dearest mommy”) the devil himself can quote the Bible and uses evil people to turn the rest of us off on God. If it weren’t for my experience with my former N, I wouldn’t be as close to God as I am today. For this I am so grateful. I love that passage from the bible you posted…it is so very, very true. I wish with all my heart that I could help you materially. You are in my prayers always. You are a remarkably brave woman and the help you have given is more “far reaching” than you realize. Love, Lora

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  4. Dee

    yes i also feel like hibernating. take it easy you have lots of posts to keep us going. Dont self sabotage and give into fear. It will be good once you ger through your first week on the job and let your personality shine. Dogs are tough! take them to starbucks or a coffee shop that allows dogs tie them to the chair and do your posts. theyll get used to it and soon settle down and sleep. be good to yourself. wrap up warm!

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  5. Ellie ( Elaine )

    Carrie,

    I have tears falling slowly as I write this. I remember the days I felt like that too..right down to the being cold 😦 I thought I would not survive, most days. Not sure I got thru it, most of it is a blur now. When I let myself remember I still cry. And am very grateful. Remember, if HE brings you to it, he will bring you through it. Just hold on. Think of spring, puppies growing romping, being warm again. Sometimes, we do need to shut down for a while, draw w/in ourselves to gain strength. Maybe you need that time to renew , revitalize and regenerate. You’ve more than earned it! Please let us all know what we can do for YOU for once. We love you!!!!! We are here and we will be waiting. God Bless.

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  6. sammy77

    Carrie you need to keep your head up.

    Trust me sweetheart, it could be much worse but you have a good job now. and your family loves you.

    I think to myself.. Man.. This holiday season is sad…. and last christmas Desi gave me a suprise sudden breakup the day before christmas for no reason (other than to maybe see another lover who also thought he was with her).. she also hit me and embarresed me in front of people this day.

    But I remember i have had it worse… I remember spending Cristmas in Iraq … In the cold mud.. Eating MRE’s wondering how my son was…if he misses me… I remember hearing about friends love letters from home and pictures of their wives they not so humbly shared lol. and thinking.. Man.. It sure would be nice to have someone who thought of me like that.. But i didnt.. Just my son..

    You have your experiences of life and even the horrible things JC did molded you into something tempered and strong.

    I hate the cold… Its ironic.. And sounds silly.. But the coldest i have ever been in my life was in Iraq durring this time. and the rain ,wind. and we couldnt move much or could get shot… So wet. Windy cold..muddy.. And dark times.but after awhile i finally made it home.

    Your experience with JC seems much worse than mine With Desi.. Please Carrie.. Dont look at the glass half empty.

    I used to tell some soldiers something.. And although it sounds silly.. I think if the scene in the movie castaway with Tom Hanks..

    When he says “Tomorrow the sun will rise, a new day will come, and you never know what will wash up on shore”

    I take it as this…. Wether you want it to or not… Tomorrow is coming..there is nothing you can do to stop it. It might be a good day. it might be a bad one.. But regardless you have to in the least expect either or. and ome day it could be the thing that saves you.

    Im not perfect Carrie far from it actually. And i have my downtimes thinking about the things and ways she twisted me. Its hard lol… But you have been through worse..like me. Dont let him win.. I refuse to let her win..even though logicaly she is.. she set me up and jumped to a new supply. Gonna have a good christmas. Ect.

    But I have my life..my son.. Things will get better.

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  7. julie

    much love to you, carrie. HANG IN THERE. thanks for the heads up about not being able to post. just know that your wise words have helped turn my life around, even in a shitty situation. after winter comes spring…….i see more money in your future. give yourself a break, your karma is good, you have helped us all. thanks for the bible verse. not very religious, however I have been reading certain quotes from the Bible and they help me get the big perspective on life and although you are cold, be glad you are not homeless. unfortunately in America, unless you are rich, most people are a couple of paychecks away from homelessness. If I didn’t have my family I would be among the homeless. Seriously. I will check back often and do my usual ranting. thanks for giving me the oppurtinity to vent, and more importatnly, heal, and also let me hear other peoples stories. This blog probably saved me from committing suicide, it seriously was becoming part of my daily thoughts, especially in the end few months with my husband, as I lived in a huge house, had a car, groceries, etc. and was so miserable it wasn’t even funny. i honestly believe now that my husband was purposely doing this because he is not a real man, couldn’t tell me that he was carrying on an affair, we had grown apart, whatever…. instead he took his hostility, anger, disrespect and abuse of me to new highs ( or lows) whichever you call it. I ASK ALL OF YOU, ASK YOURSELF, ARE YOU BETTER OFF AWAY FROM HIM? i know we miss the good times and the “initial” person we fell in love with, but thinks back to the abuse, crazy making behavior, and disrespect. MUCH AS I AM SADDENED AND SICKENED BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I NEVER KNEW THE REAL PERSON AFTER 11 YEARS, I CAN HONESTLY SAY I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT, DON’T WAKE UP WITH AN IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM, DON’T THINK ABOUT SUICIDE, DON’T PRAY THAT HE DIES IN A MOTORCYCLE WRECK, OR GETS SHOT…. this is how warped my thinking became at the end…. it is like he was pushing me to get me to leave him, until we had the big blow up where he could discard me and then blame me for everything. im sure many of us have been thru similar scenarios. WE ARE BETTER WITHOUT NARCS. HE/SHE WAS NEVER WHO YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE. THEY DO NOT THINK ABOUT US, THEY ONLY FOCUS ON CURRENT SUPPLY AND THEY ONLY HOOVER US WHEN THEIR CURRENT SUPPLY IS ACTING CRAPPY, IS GONE, OR ASKING QUESTIONS, OR THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE SUPPLY JEALOUS BY STARTING A CONFLICT OR ISSUES

    NO CONTACT OR IN MY CASE LIMITED CONTACT LIMITED CONTACT. im at the point now where i no longer send long text messages. he sent me one today and i just replied “OK” like he was doing to me when i sought attention or validation ……. he must never know that he/she has hurt you. nothing would make the narc happier than to know you are suffering. don’t tell him you miss him / her no matter what.

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      1. julie

        thanks kelly, i admit im long winded as hell and im sorry. good news is im thinking less and less about “him” even though we share a child. im realizing he is majorly disordered and i will never get any closure. guess what? been hoovered 3 times in a week, and im so done with it… the hoovring is more of trying to bring up stuff that is happening with him, to get a “reaction” out of me… not taking the bait. i feel like i have just realized i was in “THE MATRIX” for the last 11 years…. and 7 months of virtually no contact has let me re examine the relationship for the big lie it really was. if you have never seen this movie, the matrix. i urge you to watch it. good allegory for what it is like psychically when you “wake up” from the narcissitic spell

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        1. Kelly

          Haha Julie, you are so right about the Matrix. I was in one for 25 years! What is amazing is that these guys seem to read and follow the same play book. So it is SO helpful to see what others have gone through. I am in NC right now, my ex- is distracted and distant with the girlfriend’s husband on to him, and her pressuring him for marriage while he cheats on her. Luckily he is too distracted to apply more this pitiful attempts to see our children before Christmas, so NC is easy. I will hear from him again as I did 3 months ago, when he needs money. You hang in there cause you are doing great. I know that roller coaster of feeling better and not thinking of him, only to go backwards! It seems like I realize he is disordered, sick and downright evil, and then I cycle back and don’t want to believe it cause I want to believe he cared a little. How can intelligent women fall for these guys and be unable to get them out of our heads when we finally know what they are?

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  8. twistedheart

    Oh Carrie- All I can say is that we are rooting for you. We are your cheerleaders. I really think the new job is going to work out for you and that you will be pleasantly surprised with 2013, I am sending you warm and , positive energy and lots of love. I know sometimes it’s really hard not to slip into that sad, hopeless place, but things are going to be ok Look all the people that are able to come here and have a safe place to discuss incredibly difficult situations with others that really understand. People are helping each other heal and understand here. YOU did that. YOU gave that to all of us.
    Believe in yourself , because we sure believe in you…..

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    1. ladywithatruck Post author

      Hopefulsorrow, that song brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for sharing that!
      Today was the first change I got to listen to it.
      It helped lift my spirits!
      Merry Christmas and all the best in 2013!!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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