It is 2 years, 29 days since I loaded up what few possessions I had and limped my truck and my broken heart to a friend’s.
It is 1 yr 9 mth since I found him at P’s house & he moved in with M. Its just over a yr since I discovered his blog and and the depth of his lies.
It is 1 year & 1 mth since he came to me in tears apologizing and telling me he always loved me.
Its been about 8 months since I found out he had fathered a child in Africa.
It has been 1 yr, 11 mths and 12 days since I attempted suicide.
At times I would hurt so bad I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.
No family support, no money, no friends, not because I didn’t have old friends that wanted to get together, but because so much had happened since I last saw them, I didn’t have a clue what to say to them. I knew they’d never understand what I’d been through, plus I was no where near the person they had known. I had been pretty, self sufficient, independent, humorous, stylish, confident and now I was a shell.
Slowly, oh so very slowly I have found myself again.
I am not the person I was before JC, I could never be that person again. Once you have slept with the devil; you can never be the same; you lose your innocence. Once you have slept with the devil you know true evil exists, you have looked it in the eyes and it almost swallowed you up. Forever more you will have the knowledge that there are people on this earth who have no concern, compassion or conscience, they have no soul. That has to change a person.
I prolonged my recovery because I just could not let go. Why? When he had destroyed me? Why did I want him back, why did I beg him, why did I allow him to even enter my home? I can’t believe it now when I look back. Its not that I believed him; I was long past being that naive, I didn’t respect him; how could I respect someone with no morals or values? I was afraid to admit he was my b/f because I didn’t want people to associate me with him. Yet I took him back time after time.
You know what? I don’t care any more why, I don’t even care if he is happy. I am not totally healed by any means. Being in Surrey where he lives, for my air brakes course showed me I still have wounds that aren’t totally healed. Being in a place I knew I could run into him or he might see me, or I might see “them” totally threw me; no correction; it didn’t totally throw me but it certainly made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. I was nervous, I thought I saw him numerous times and every time I did my heart would stop, my stomach would be sick and I would be frozen, staring at him until I could identify it wasn’t him. I wouldn’t have approached him if I had seen him; I am afraid of the control he had over me and to speak to him would be leaving myself open to evil. But I dreamed about him every night; they were bad dreams, always other women and me crying.
Its strange, but very early in our relationship; long before all the other women and the mind games I had a dream where he was with another woman and they were laughing at me. They had their arms wrapped around each other and she was feeling very smug and he was cruel beyond belief. I woke up from that dream crying and realized he wasn’t in bed, he was on the computer. I went to him in tears expecting him to comfort me and tell me it was just a bad dream, but when I told him about my dream he was cold and acted annoyed. If only I would have listened to what my instincts were telling me.
You know what I attribute my healing to? Acceptance. I have accepted that he is evil, pure evil; it is what I believe in my heart. Pure evil does not change.
I have accepted I was manipulated, lied to, abused and I went back for more.
I have accepted that he destroyed alot of what made me me. But he didn’t destroy me; not my soul, not ME.
I have even accepted that quite possibly he is happy with M. She doesn’t work, she has always been happy to be a housewife waiting for the man to come home; she has never worked outside the home. She has enough money that he doesn’t have to contribute to the household finances and can spend any money he makes on himself. She has a house so he has a roof over his head. She has never had children so there is no one taking attention away from him. He has bought himself a truck (like my old one and has my winch on it) a Harley, an old chev pickup he is restoring, I gather she/he has a nice home, she has supper waiting for him when he gets home, they have taken vacations and she owns summer property on an island off the coast. When he expounded on her attributes he listed:
She is interested in what he has to say
She gets his sense of humor
She is frugal
She is pretty talented with her hands and can make things
She has some pretty good ideas sometimes.
If she is happy with him and doesn’t expect him to hold down a job, and doesn’t mind depending her husbands life insurance money keeping him happy more power to them. They should last until she runs out of money, needs him for some reason like she gets sick, a parent dies or she catches him cheating.
I thought realistically about her and I and we are so different. I could never be happy spending my whole life catering to a man without any independence. It isn’t even remotely possible he would have ever been happy with me. For one thing I have a son who I love, I have a dog/dogs I love, I don’t have an inheritance for him to spend, I have to work, I have interests other than his, I am unhappy locked up in the house all day without a vehicle. I want to leave my mark on the world, I want the world to be a better place because I was here. I want to learn, grow, share, improve myself, change, I never want to stagnate. I don’t want to change the man I am with, I don’t want to be my partners conscience, I don’t want to be suspicious, I don’t want to walk on egg shells or be afraid to say what I am feeling. I don’t want to fear the man I love. I could never be with him and be happy.
When I realized that it was so much easier to heal. I was so focussed on why didn’t he want me that I totally missed the fact that I don’t want him. I hate evil, I don’t like the blackness that hangs over me when he is in my life.
It seems as soon as I accepted the fact that I deserve to be happy and started being the person I want people to know me as, things started to fall into place. Once I went totally no contact there was room for the goodness to come into my life and maybe I was able to recognize the goodness because my focus wasn’t on the evil.
I started viewing my experiences with JC as things that made me stronger. Like, once you’ve slept with the devil and survived you can do anything. Now I do things I never would have had the courage to do before. I am more out going. I reach out to people who are in need because I know how much I appreciated others kindness when I was down.
I am a better person for my experiences with JC. I don’t thank him for it, I don’t forgive him for the things he did. I could have lived quite nicely without ever having had the experiences but seeing as I have I might as well make the best of them.
I passed my air brakes course with 100% and now have to go to the licensing office, take a 25 question quiz, get 20 right and I will have my air brake endorsement. I was really proud of myself for passing but even more proud when I found out that several of the guys at work have taken the course several times and failed every time.
The course did kinda make me sad, so much of the course reminded me of JC. So much of what he did with his semi makes sense to me now. But when I realized he never really wanted an equal, he wanted to be superior to me; me understanding would have been viewed as competition.
I got a hotel the one night because 8-6 is a long day. I went to the “Hollywood Hotel” they had a sign out front that said rooms for $49.95 and it looked decent. The guy walked me up to my room and said he had to unlock it for me because the lock was tricky. It was one of those locks that you use a credit card looking thing. He didn’t use the card like you usually do; instead he used it to slide it between the door jam and the lock like a person uses a credit card to break into a house.
That was my first red flag. It looked clean enough, the carpet was thread bare and there were obscenities written on the mirror but I’ve seen worse. The bathroom looked clean. After he left I checked the bed and the sheets were obviously dirty so I went down to the lobby to ask for clean ones. I followed him to the laundry room, he checked the cupboards, nope, then he checked the dryer, nope; then the washing machine. Finally he handed me another bedspread and told me to sleep on top of the covers and use the bedspread. I had a good laugh and slept in my boots and coat but I was warm & I had a hot shower in the morning.
I am looking forward to 2013 more than I have ever looked forward to a new year like I am this one.
Happy New Year!!!!