What If It Was My Fault part 1

Some people seem to get stuck on the “What if It’s My Fault” train and refuse to get off. I know I had times after JC and I split that I would obsess about him and his new woman. He seemed so happy and was saying it was all my fault, that I was critical, stuck in the past, caused conflict even when I knew how much he hated conflict, how “she” was calm and rational and he could talk to her, he didn’t “have” to lie to “her” because she understood him and didn’t push him away with her paranoia, suspicions and accusations.

I am tossing a challenge out there for those of you who are torturing yourself; I want you to play “devil’s advocate” (considering who we are talking about there couldn’t be a more appropriate name) and tell me why you are to blame, what you could have done differently and justify how he treated you. I want you to look at your relationship with as little emotion as possible and be calm, rational and honest. This is what I want you to do, get 5 pieces of paper or go on your computer and do it.

Title the pages: 1. What he did. 2. His excuse for doing it. 3. What you did.  4. What you could have done differently. 5. What would you advise a friend to do

Write down all the things he did that upset you, his excuse for doing it, how you handled it and what, now in hindsight; you could have done differently and perhaps prevented the breakup. If it was a reoccurring issue than write the different reason’s he gave, the various ways you tried to deal with it and the final result for that issue.

I’ll give you an example;

What JC did
Had personal ads on the internet

His excuse for doing it
There were so many,
– he was bored because I was at work and he wasn’t working and sitting home alone. Awwwww
– We had broken up, (we had a fight and he had said it was over and then bought me supper that night and acted like nothing was wrong, I had no idea we were broken up.
– He didn’t remember doing it
– He changed the subject and got angry with me for snooping on the computer
– Why wouldn’t He look for someone else when I act like “this”
My suspicious mind drove him to it

What I did
The first time I was totally shocked, I was angry but I was calm and basically told him if he was unhappy I could leave and started packing my bags. He started to cry and begged me to stay and promised it would never happen again.

What I could have done differently
It continued for the whole 10 years of our relationship. Over time I convinced myself he would never really DO anything with these women, it was just an ego boost for him. But then he started meeting women, telling them he thought they were soul mates etc. He joined a local singles club, started not coming home at night. By the end of 10 years I didn’t even react to him not coming home, what was the point? I really don’t know  what I could have done differently, I tried to explain calmly why it upset me, for some reason I thought if I could just explain it properly he would understand that it really hurt me and he’d quit.

What would you say to a friend in the same circumstances

Are you listening to yourself? You felt that if you explained it better he would understand why you were hurt? Come on Carrie; a 40 something man doesn’t know why you are upset that he has personal ads? You have an argument in the morning and by noon he has placed a personal ad? He doesn’t love you Carrie, he’s a player and a user; kick him to the curb!!

What he did
Stayed up watching porn night after night after night

His excuse
He never ever admitted to doing it; certainly not to the degree he did. The history did not lie on the computer but he just denied denied denied

What I did
At first I laughed about it. I have nothing against porn within reason. I offered to watch it with him, I eventually tried to bargain with him, he only had to come to bed with me 3 nights a week. I tried dressing in sexy little outfits and enticing him to bed. (You saw my pics, I don’t look bad in stockings and heels) if he did come to bed it was for sex and then he got up and went back on the computer or he’d be on the computer all night and come to bed at 5 am, pull me on top of him and get off. I even went so far as to make a couple of videos for him while he was trucking. Then I found out he still had personal ads and was meeting women while he was trucking so I didn’t make any more. Eventually it affected my self esteem and became a major issue between us.

What I could have done differently
Once again I can’t think of anything. It wasn’t an issue for me until he made it an issue, I guess I could have just shut up and not mentioned it and just slept alone and taken any crumbs he offered me, which I basically did near the end. I saw no point in fighting about it any more and I was sick of begging

What I would say to a friend
Carrie, think about it, if two people love each other they try to not hurt each other. If something they do bothers the other one they stop doing it. If they don’t stop, it is obvious that his addiction to porn is more important to him than your happiness, plain and simple. Either leave or live with it, but combined with all the rest of the shit you put up with why would you stay?

After you have done that list all the things you ever did that you feel bad about and how he reacted and what you did then.

For example:
What I did
I keyed his truck.

Why?
Because he had come back from Africa, was staying with me and I had said he could stay with the condition that he not have personal ads while he was living under my roof and sleeping in my bed. He agreed. I went on MY computer and his POF profile popped up, I was furious and he wasn’t home at the time, he was driving my truck so I keyed his. (some guy who was mad at him had already taken a base ball bat to all the windows and lights so it was looking pretty shitty anyway.)

His reaction
He never said a word about it (until just recently when he commented on my blog and said he was concerned for his and his new woman’s safety considering my history of keying vehicles.) the only thing he was mad about was that I had sent all the women each others emails from him and written the couple that seemed the most important and told them he was living with me and his history with me. He was “disappointed in me, that I would stoop so low. He thought I was better than that”.  and I felt guilty!!!

What I would say to a friend
Better than what? Again you should have packed his bags and put them in his truck, gone in the house and locked the doors. You asked him nicely to stay out of the personals while under your roof, a very reasonable request and he didn’t comply, end of story; he no longer resides under your roof he made his choice.

I am sure you get the idea. What I am trying to make you do with this exercise is look at it from an outsiders perspective, from a rational objective view point and realize YOU WERE NOT IN A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN NOT BE BLAMED FOR FAILING IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS BASED ON LIES AND DECEIT. THERE WAS NOTHING “NORMAL” ABOUT ANY OF IT. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT NORMAL. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU.

I have said it before, it isn’t about you or her for that matter; both of you are actors in his orchestrated life; players in his game of strategy and nothing more. He knew right from the beginning he would discard you some day and was working towards that end from day one. He knew he couldn’t keep up the facade and was always looking for your replacement.

Couples have issues, people have affairs and usually it isn’t one sided if one of them does have an affair, usually there is some blame on both sides and the relationship can be saved if the offending party is truly sorry, the other person is truly trying to forgive and they get some good counseling. There are men and women who just screw around and still love their partner but can’t say no to a strange piece of tail. My first husband fell into this category; he was a loving husband, he always came home, he had no intention of ever leaving me but when he went out drinking he usually ended up screwing some random woman. He would confess, apologize and tell me it wasn’t me, he just could not turn down strange pussy. (his words). Now some couples have relationships where this kind of thing works for both of them. I could not deal with it and it eventually broke us up and I was devastated by the break up and so was he but we moved on and remained friends, he never tried to destroy me. He came and asked me to take him back and I asked him if he could say he would be faithful and he said he couldn’t promise that so we didn’t get back together. As much as the relationship was troubled, and didn’t work there was no manipulation, lies, deception, hatred, vindictiveness etc He never blamed me, I never felt unattractive, I always felt loved and that he found me attractive, I didn’t take it personally because he didn’t blame me.

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19 thoughts on “What If It Was My Fault part 1

  1. Well said ….. & so true!

    On visualizing my piece of paper all I can up with is a simple ‘I put up with it’. I never used to fight or argue, I’d just shrug it off and let it slide. I’m certain that if I did ark up that the result would be no different. He’s an ‘N’ and I am no longer his savior.

    I am so looking forward to an ‘N’ free 2013. My life is good and I look & feel amazing for putting everything into me. I am my focus.

    The irony is I used to get really upset by people cutting me off all together & now I find myself doing it. Though it’s for my own sanity.

    Thankfully I had a Xmas/New Year ‘N’ free. I know he’ll pop out of the blue somewhere but I’m getting stronger everyday in readiness for that moment.

    No more entanglement, need or want. Somebody someday is going to put that ‘N’ ex of mine to shame.

    I can’t wait to love & be loved once more 🙂

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  2. Great exercise Carrie…..I did my head in asking WHY and WHAT….and at the end of the day came to this conclusion:

    When I am in a healthy relationship with open communication there would be no reason to distrust.

    When I feel comfortable with who I am and respect my moral values, I would not tolerate a cheating partner.

    When I value myself I would not allow myself to be manipulated

    When I start trusting my gut instincts I will no longer find myself in these situations.

    You have no control of WHY AND WHAT but WHEN is all up to you.

    Thats just want I have discovered from my trip to hell …..on my way back to the sunshine now….it’s a long, hot, tough road….and sometimes walking sideways is easier than straight ahead but I’m winning the more steps I am taking …….

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    1. good words, Jenn. it has been about 7 months now, limited contact due to a child. some days better than others but after time away and no contact you get clarity and you realize that you can never go back. the person in the beginning was not “real” nothing you did “changed” his personality, he was always that way from day one, he was faking the whole time. like the movie, the matrix, with keanu reeves. when you get out of this relationship, discover he is a narcissist, read up on the disorder, and everything falls into place like a jigsaw puzzle, it literally changes your life and helps empower you. i am finding it easier to “black out” the early good times in the relationship, seeing them as “fake” like watching a movie. there is momentary suspension of disbelieff when watching a movie, but when in is over we are back to reality. i liken a relationship with a narcissist as like being in a movie or play , but not knowing it. when you get out, or are tossed out, you know it is not like other relationships, you can’t put your finger on it, you start googling stuff, and bam, you stumble on narcissism, not really thinking it is relevant,then for the hell of it, since you are so devastated and lonely you start reading. and reading . and reading. and then OH MY GOD. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. IM NOT CRAZY

      whenever i have “flashbacks” i go back , read and re read, and am reminded there is nothing on earth i could have done, it would have played out the same. they are beyond help. 11 years down the drain. i tell myself it was a learning experience and i thank god i was discarded before i knew the full extent of the deceit and betrayal. had i known at the time what was happening i was in such a bad mental state i may have committed a crime, or engaged in violence back towards him and ended up dead. he is a cop , and he was already planting seeds about ” his unstable, crazy, unhappy wife”…..hmmmmmm i was reduced to a simpering, crying , anorexic wreck, unable to make a simple decision or choice , learned helplessness. i found out later this is typical. knowledge is really power and i am so thankful for my cyber friends on this site. you guys have literally saved my life and allowed me to slowly heal myself. im not completely healed, but compared to 7 months ago, im like a totally different ( stronger) ( confident) (no longer scared or intimidated) by this ugly,bald,little man.

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      1. Hi Julie,
        I can so relate to every word you wrote……their behaviour is so text book its scary….
        Carrie’s blog saved my life….literally……I was doubting my sanity, had no self esteem, confidence…no anything….many suicide thoughts……
        I had always accepted responsibility for my actions and kept asking WHAT could I have done to stop my knight in shining armour being so upset with me and upsetting him so much……but then I realised he was just a pawn in tinfoil…..nothing was real….it was a game….or like you said a bad movie.
        I think giving it a label certainly helped my healing…..nobody seems to understand how evil these people can be and what they are capable of ….
        Ying and yang…ups and downs…..but stronger everyday…thanks for sharing and thanks Carrie….xo

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  3. oh, and carrie, your ex husband sounds like a stand up guy. why? well, yes he cheated on you,but i respect the HELL out of him for being honest with you about it, and not trying to destroy you, knowing his weakness, sharing it with you, and basically saying that, no he could not promise the behavior would stop, in contrast to the narcissist, who acts as if infidelity is a deal breaker, acts like a stand up guy, swears he would never leave you, cheat on you, hes “always got your back” , says people who are married and cheat are scumbags and stupid….. but after the discard and some suspiciions and clarity and thru limited contact i basically told him i knew everything, that he was unfaithful from day one ( guess what, i had no evidence) made up shit as i went along , and he denied denid denied at first, then i told him i had physical proof. he caved and admitted to everything. acted like i knew alll along, truthfully i was devastated and hurt deeply. the deception ran so so deep. they are like robot,s now that i know this i realize everything was a lie.basically everything he says, expect the opposite. it is all lies. for those of you who still think your guy ( if a true narcissist) wasn’t all bad, think again. keep up the no contact,limited contact, jog your memory banks, act like you know more than you do, and you will find out the level of deception. its truly horrible.

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    1. Julie, I have said on occasion that had I known what kind of guy I was going end up with I would have stayed with my first husband. But he had a big drinking problem that he quit after we split. We really loved each other but timing etc it just never worked. He had a bad motorcycle accident I wrote about months ago and it was very hard on both of us. Our son was 5 weeks old and my ex was in the hospital on life support for 2 1/2 months and then in a ward for another 3 months. He was different when he got out; duh !! But I needed support too and with the drinking and then he screwed around I just had enough. We carried a torch for each other for years.
      Water under the bridge.
      The depth of deception that a person discovers after the fact with the N is absolutely mind blowing. Then the pieces start to fall into place. You remember different times you suspected something and he was so adamant he was innocent. It is bitter sweet to have your suspicions confirmed.

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    2. Mine will never admit to anything, regardless of the proof I have or what I know. So that doesn’t always work to get them to be honest with u. I will never have him come to me and admit or apologize for anything, even though the truth is glaringly obvious .

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      1. If I ever confronted her with any suspicions she always said “You have no proof” not “No i have not done anything like that nor would I” But plain and simple “You have no proof” as if since i could not prove it it didn’t happen or didn’t matter. It was obvious though. I think she was cheating after the first few months. And continued for another 13-14 months. Including Threesomes and foursomes with females even.

        The worst thin and maybe the only bad thing i did was not tell her right away i was laid off of my work. She found that out by snooping through texts. I wanted to tell her face to face because she would flip out and come up with all kinds of insults over that.

        I got used to how she acted.. She would say things like.. Oh by the way.. This person might say that i made out with him at a party.. But he was drunk..just incase he says anything.. She said this because we were going somewhere that he was. But i just got used to it.. Used to accepting.

        I still have flashbacks of things that was said that makes sense now. That same guy there kept saying how the three of them should all get together and go camping.. Three of them meaning my ex..him…and my ex’s friend. Now that i think about it he may have been attempting to get her alone ect.

        The things she must have done behind closed doors is staggering.

        If i add up her last two years.. She has had between 13-15 different lovers. And most not one night stands. maybe none actually.. And she has not been single since she was like 14… she is 28.. The law of average states she has had close to 40-50 different lovers at least. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was an escort in Bulgaria as its a very popular profession there.

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        1. Ladies… I will say one thing here.
          I know its rough.. But there are good men out there.

          I hate what has happened to us. I feel like my soul and persona has been raped.. Sometimes i get nauseous thinking about the humiliation of what some of the people in her life that knew what was going on thought of me. I wish i had ran when i had the chance or at least not gotten so attached. but she just wouldn’t let me be any other way.

          This guy i mentioned above.. He was in love with one of her other classmates. And i think she wanted that attention now. But he was only one of three other men (myself included) involved at the time. The new guy was one as well.

          From speaking with a doctor who specializes in Narcs she said that getting pregnant with a boyfriend and leaving him for another and keeping it secret (as in my situation ) is a very common trait with a female N.. They see children as possessions. Something they can.own and mold in their image. And not share.

          She would use her friends in lies as well. ( they would be oblivious to.it though) but she would say things like she/he said this regarding her friends and family which were lies i now know this to be triangualtion.

          She kept the secrets of cheating so well..so odd how people can do this and still act normal.

          The cheating doesn’t get me though.. Its not having her and that strange completeNess she was able to.give. It was like a drug. I was so willing to do anything to make her feel better and relaxed. My ex before her heard my stories during one of our silent breakups .. And she said.. The Sammy i knew would never allow that kind of crap ..the sammy i knew would have put his foot down and told her off.. I can’t believe you have accepted all of that..

          After i exposed her.. She wrote me a text saying basically how badly i treAted her..how i did her the worst of all the men.in her life together.. What is funny and sad is that she still had no idea or understanding about all the wrong she did to me..and others..

          Yes i told my story about being with her and all the wrongs she did online. I was nice enough to warn her first. but what she did to me..and likely others is was downright abuse.. It should be illegal. It changes who a person is and people need therapists afterwards. But she can’t see or acknowledge or understand what she did/does but gets so upset over an internet post.

          One of the last things she said to me face to face was “Don’t be so dramatic” with a smug smile.. It was after she broke up with me.. I was not acting anyway.. I was not angry or sad..but stunned.. I didn’t even argue with her. The whole week and even weeks before telling me how happy and lucky she was with me to suddenly end things. and for no reason saying “Don’t be so dramatic”??

          after she acted so upset after two months of it being posted.. After her saying all she said. It was the first i had heard from her in months. I told her via text this in response. “Don’t be so dramatic” poetic justice.. I wonder why after two months she got upset all of a sudden?

          Her main problem was that i was catching on to her.. And she knew soon she would not be able to hide it much longer. her cheating with Scott, her husband, Gary the Threesome guy, and school mates.. and maybe more on occasionn she did have a sex website ad online.. I don’t know how long it was up.. But she manly asked for anal in.it..

          Can’t believe still how sweet and loving she would act with all this other stuff going on.

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          1. Im stuck in my head guys with a never ending question.. what if she is done being this way.. What if she is tired if living the life she has lived for her whole life what if this baby will change her and she will not do what she did to this new guy what she did to me?

            I feel like the small 16 months took 20 years off of my life since i have not had her..

            No closure.. Nothing like i never mattered. Or existed.. Now i feel like a person used for sex and sperm and sick amusements ..

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  4. this is a rabbit hole nobody should go down. There is no justification for cheating ever!!! all the attempts you make to appear sexier more compliant and available to him are seen as weakness. he wont respect you, you just become the same ol piece of meat he jerks off to when theres no alternative.
    I agree get that sheet of paper, but write one thing on it. POS.
    yes thats what they are. piece of SH.T and your mother told you you cany polish a turd. so dont try. and his new woman will go through the same thing eventually, you can count on that.

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  5. That is so true with my relationship of my ex. He always lied or came up with excuses. I always acted badly and he came up on top with me looking like a nutter. Thanks for this.

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    1. Yep. Mine called me a lunatic. ME! After he started openly dating the woman that he had been cheating on me with for a loong time. This woman new he lived with me. She followed us around daily. She hid behind bushes and sent me nasty harassing text messages. And I’m insane? Because I had any kind of emotional reaction to all of thAt? Twisted and cruel. They are both horrible.

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      1. I overheard my ex telling my teenage son,”no matter what they have on you just deny, deny, deny. What can they do? Never admit to anything!”

        I always heard those words ringing in my ears, it was probably the most honest thing he ever said. Even if he pretended to confess, it never was the full story. He’d give me a little bit hoping to shut me up but I’d know in my gut there was more and I’d dig and snoop until I found it. Often times I was sorry I did.

        He would say,”If you knew the whole story you’d feel silly for being so upset”
        I’d say “tell me the whole story when”
        He’d say,”you never believe me any way. So why bother.”
        Ghetto truth was always way worse than anything I ever imagined”.

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        1. Damn auto type “the truth was always worse than I imagined”!!
          Some of his lies took literally years to surface and I am sure I still don’t know the 1/2 of it. They can lie so well I am sure they could pass a lie detector test.
          Sammy, using friends real and imagined; to back their cclaims is very common. I used to hear how all the guys at his work thought I treated him so badly and I know he told them horrible things about me but I know eventually the guys started to doubt him because I know was so good to him. But he would tell them that I was acting nice in front of them. They tell people we treat them like they treat us. They weave such a tangled web of lies its a wonder they don’t get busted but they always manage to come out of it. I am absolutely amazed someone hasn’t killed my ex. Mind you a few have tried and beat him up pretty bad and I was always there to take care of him. Of course it was never his fault and he was “falsely” accused. I am amazed he’s never gone to jail, but he manages to lie his way out of stuff. I hope someday it all catches up to him but I know I won’t be around to see it.
          They are so evil that even thinking about them brings darkness into your life.
          Sammy you have to, HAVE to retrain your brain to think of something else. I know its hard but it is possible. She has consumed your every thought awake and sleeping for so long your brain automatically goes there. Its like learning a New job, it takes time for you to learn it and then it becomes automatic. This will too. Imagine the New guy going through the hell you went through. Because that is the truth. Evil like that is not going to change overnight; not possible. Think about it realistically. And IF some fairy twanged her in the middle of the night and she woke up and all of a sudden had a conscience the guilt would kill her. She wouldn’t keep blaming you, she would want to make amends and IF nothing else want you to see your child. That is how i know my ex hasn’t changed because he is still lying about what happened with us. And even if he had changed , if by some miracle this New woman made him into a wonderful man: he still treated me like shit and would again. I could never forgive him for what he put me through. I could never be with a man capable og that kind of cruelty.
          They say the best predicter of the future is the past; believe it.

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  6. good comment carrie, i had a bad encounter today and i lost my temper, i ranted about it somewhere else on this blog. i don’t want this man, but im angry over what he took from me, how he callously discarded me, never apoligized, the depth of the lies and deception, the fact that i was married to a psychopath… i have said this a million times, im not dumb person, this guy seemed harmless, not very attrractive, fairly intelliegent but no rhodes scholar, knowing about narcissism, now after the fact, i realize i was mirrored intensely in the beginning and pursued relentlessly( which i was) the bottom line is that these guys must have a woman( or signifigant other) at all times. there won’t even be a day or 2 in between , literally the second you are out of the house, i mean there was a restraining order , he was on bail for domestic assault, and the second i was out of the house he was sexting, trolling for sex online. they have no soul whatsover. it is what it is. i was reading sam vaknins book and i must somehow buy that book. it lets you understand them, but agaIN for victims , well, i have never been this victimized by any man. no one understands except the people on this blog. thanks for listening. im having a really bad day. he taunted me badly today with his “trophy” around his neck.

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  7. Carrie, you didn’t post his comment, did you? I really hope you spammed it. I just don’t want you to engage with him. He likes to play with you, clearly – when he’s not playing with his current woman.

    Astonishing – Chris had personals ads all the time, Tracy told me. And she accepted it “because he’s been hurt”. Foul.

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