What If It Was My Fault Part 2

I didn’t take it personally because he didn’t blame me, he took responsibility for his actions. It may not have been the healthiest of relationships but I would never consider it abusive and I can see where I did things wrong in the relationship also.

Do you see the difference? Do you understand the point I am trying to make?

You can not be responsible for the demise of a relationship when you weren’t aware of all the behind the scenes things going on, you can’t take responsibility for a relationship that was based on lies. How can you? You were never given the chance to have a relationship with “him”  because he never presented himself honestly.

I hope this helped a few people see that you really did all that you could under the circumstances; the relationship was doomed from day one the only variable with these relationships is how long it takes for the victim to discover the lies and when the N meets a better prospect; he will be looking the whole relationship but he is not going to leave a sure thing until he meets a woman that can offer him something he needs more than what you offer (you are probably drained by then) and he has that woman firmed hooked. So that means it could be months or years depending on whether he even meets a woman that falls for his bull shit. I am sure now that JC dated many women during our 10 years but a lot of them figured out he was living with someone, or they weren’t giving enough for him, or I got suspicious and he had to curtail it for awhile. Lots of variables but only one final result; he will discard the victim eventually.

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16 Replies to “What If It Was My Fault Part 2”

  1. this is a rabbit hole nobody should go down. There is no justification for cheating ever!!! all the attempts you make to appear sexier more compliant and available to him are seen as weakness. he wont respect you, you just become the same ol piece of meat he jerks off to when theres no alternative.
    I agree get that sheet of paper, but write one thing on it. POS.
    yes thats what they are. piece of SH.T and your mother told you you cant polish a turd. so dont try. and his new woman will go through the same thing eventually, you can count on that.

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    1. Unfortunately alot of women and men do go down that rabbit hole though, the N gets them so focussed on what he wants they totally forget or ignore through fact that they aren’t getting want they want and need. I found myself a long time ago now, thinking “If only I’d ………… (insert been less suspicious, hadn’t gotten angry, talked to him differently) and then I thought about it realistically and asked myself “what could I have done differently?” that’s when I came to my senses. There was nothing, oh sure I could have not reacted, not gotten angry but that would have been so against everything I believe in and I just ended up hating myself. Truly, if he is happy with someone else bul for him. He doesn’t have what it takes to make ME happy! He’s not man enough to handle me. I never would have taken his bullshit from ant other man. And the bullshit I put up with was not worth it. I will not tolerate infidelity ever again ever ever, no second chances. The first time you forgive them is the minute you start loving ground. No man is worth that. I used to think that if I didn’t comprimise my standards he would leave. Good!!! He was never worried that his actions might cause ME to leave.

      Mindset going on for me now.
      Whole different

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  2. Sometimes I wonder if I am wrong about everything and it was just me. That maybe I was just such a bitch that he found someone else. That, to him, maybe the psycho is a “nicer” person. I guess just because there are a few differences (such as his next victim being a desperate, psychotic, horrible person) between my situation and most others. If they really choose people that make them look good and that are good people so they can break them down….why did he cheat on me with her and why is he openly with her now? I can’t think of any way, honestly, that she makes him look good. She is clearly a bad person who was weak and obsessed. Could I be wrong about who/what he is? I mean…I am pretty sure I tried everything I could to be good to him. I can’t think of a way I deserved it all (his lies, betrayal, belittling, cheating, allowing her to stalk and harass me), but maybe I really am horrible and pathetic and he couldn’t stand me I know I wasn’t weak and pathetic when I met him. He always told me how “damn independent I was”. I hate to think that I was the bad partner, but am I wrong? After I left him, he wasn’t out and out mean…well, he was….but it was all masked with this facade of being nice and caring. He was cruel, but faked still loving me…does that make sense? I think I am right about him having npd. It is the only thing that makes sense. I mean he isnt just a guy who cheats..it goes so far beyond that. But nobody in his life…i think ever….has seen and witnessed what I have. Which makes me think…was it me? I know he doesnt think he did anything that I didn’t cause him to do. He thinks I made him miserable. I have always thought myself to be a good, caring person. I really thought that I was being a good partner.
    I can’t ever be with him again…so this isn’t about me doubting everything to the point that I want him back or anything close to that. He was not a good partner to me. Whether or not it is all my fault does not negate the fact that he did bad things.

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  3. Oh I know that feeling well 😦

    I was with my ex off and on for 4 years. During that time he lied to me constantly even about the smallest of things. He had the poorest memory and often confused something we had done with something he’d done with someone else and then made me feel like I was going insane. He also joined numerous dating and sex sites and hit them prolifically within hours when we split up.

    The last year we were together though, I honestly believed he had changed. (During this time he lost his well paid job as a site manager in the construction industry and ended up having to take a very low paid job as a labourer in a boatyard at a local narrowboat marina. I supported his choice of career change and tried to make up for the difference in income myself.) He seemed to be making a real effort. He told me that he was no longer the way he used to be and that he wanted us to grow old and grey together. It still didn’t feel right but I accepted that it would take time. He became obsessed with buying a narrowboat so that we could live on it. He couldn’t get credit and I refused to take out a loan myself to buy it for him. This obsession was the latest in a long line of things he ‘had’ to do so I thought that it would pass.

    Then one week he became very distant on the Friday. On the Sunday he told me that it was all over between us and that he no longer loved me. The following day I discovered that he was seeing someone else and wanted to move in with her on the narrowboat she owned at the marina where he was working! it was the final straw for me and I left him. I literally moved all of my stuff out of the house whilst he wasn’t there and so he came back to a house that now only held the few bits he owned. I also left him to sort out all the outstanding finances as he’d left them to me to sort out every time he’d left me previously. I only received one text from him asking me how I would have felt if I’d have come back to what I’d left him with!

    The times he left before he’d always got back in touch telling me that he needed me back. This time there has been no contact from him. I also know that he hasn’t hit any dating sites again. It’s as if he’s finally happy and settled with the new lady in his life. So, like you, I now feel like it was me that had the problem all along. Was it me? Did I drive him away? Did I imagine it all? When it was good between us I felt so alive and special. When it wasn’t I felt dead and as if I was going mad. Has he now found what he was looking for? Have they sailed away into the sunset on the boat he longed for? Should I have bought a boat for us? Would he have stayed with me then? And so the madness inside my head continues on and on……..

    I’m getting better albeit painfully slowly and there does at last seem like a little light at the end of the tunnel. But I still miss him terribly.

    Any advice anyone?

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    1. Time; more time. You might never see it for yourself but he will do the same to her that he did to you. You don’t know get isn’t on dating sites, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.The proof that he hasn’t changed is the fact that he dumped you for a woman with a boat. Sorry that ain’t love; that is using some one for your personal gain. Would you want to be with someone just because you were able to provide them with material possessions?I know I wouldn’t.You were smart and got out before he dumped you and bled you dry.You won’t regret it some day believe me!!Sent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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  4. once a narc secures new supply for ALL his needs you do not hear from them unless they want something, trinagulation, something related to finances, the current supply becomes shitty supply that day or they want to triangulate.

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  5. I know he’s not on any dating sites and it’s as if he’s really cleaned up his act. I know he’s since lost his job at the marina so don’t know if he’s dependent on her for money. It just feels as if he’s changed into the man I thought he could be but for someone else. That probably makes no sense to anyone but it’s just left me feeling as if I’m the one that got it all wrong and maybe it’s me that drove him away? He never blanked me like this when he left me before but this time I left him and there’s been no contact from him at all. It’s as if I never existed to him and the time I spent with him was all for nothing!

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    1. Howtoheal, you are not alone in feeling this way. Almost all of us have and some of us more than once!! (me) every time we split he would clean up his act and beg me back and I would go. I fully expected the cycle to continue this last time. But this time he had his new woman and he dropped me like a hot potato and became everything and more then I ever asked for. Of course he is going to pretend to have changed; he won’t get a new supply hooked if he is a jerk. He wasn’t a jerk when you met him was he? No he was so sweet he was too good to be true. And he’s too good to be true now too.He also wants you to think It was all your fault and feel awful for leaving him and you are falling for it. Try to not put yourself through this torture. Instead of envisioning how happy they are remember how he treated you only put her in the picture instead of you. THAT is what’s really happening.HugsCarrieSent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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    2. me three, I think alot of what was said and done, and think it was all me too, he would tell me he felt like he was using me to clean his house, and i would justify it, telling him I didnt feel used, he needed someone to care for him after what his exs done to him, he needed to realize there were good women out there in this world and i did my best to show him, that we wernt all bad, I guess they say what ever it takes to keep you hangin on hopeing for a pc of something that isnt there, its been a little over a month since he has spoke to me, and the empty feeling is horrible, how can you spend that much time with someone and get as close as we did, and then in one day nothing, like i never mattered it is hard to wrap my brain around this, and i struggle with it everyday, but i guess he has no concept of feelings so i was nothing, meant nothing, and that really dose hurt, i swore he wasnt on any dateing sights either, hell i even checked his emails and phone etc, but about two weeks before the break up out of the blue he told me his bank card got charged for three dateing sights, where did that come from, maybe he knew i was checking his emails, but i never found any proof that he was on any, the only ones that showed up were spam, and i even checked them for his name and password they all said no account availble, but now i wonder why he told me his bank charged him, maybe there were after all, I guess being a great lier they can hide anything, but still today i get so upset he hasnt contacted me to say he was sorry and wrong and he misses me, I am glad he dont I really dont want him back, it just hurts that i really was nothing to him, just supply for the time being, I havent been on fb for the last week, and neither has he, but last nite i got back on and was talking to a friend of mine, and there he was back on, so yes i guess i know he is still watching, but i am keeping it real, he is only watching for supply not cause he cared, I really dont want him back, but i would love the chance for him to come grovling so i can look him straight in the face and tell him where to get off. is that so wrong to want that revenge I just wish he hurt as bad as he hurt me.

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  6. I thought that the longer I had no contact with him that the easier it would get. Everybody told me that’s how it would be. But the reverse has actually happened. The longer I don’t hear from him the more I forget the bad times and remember only the good times. Times when he made me feel more alive than I ever had in 20 years of marriage. My head is managing to erase all of the times when he hurt me and my family. Times when he left me. Times when he cheated on me and all the times he lied to me. Unbelievably, my head is also imagining him and his new woman together doing all the great things we did and more. In my head they have the perfect relationship. She’s his ideal woman and he’s the man I always thought he could be. And he’s doing it all for her when it was me that put the years in with him beforehand! The more I try to stop thinking about him the more he’s in my head. he’s still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thought in my head before I go to sleep. And somewhere between the two he’s more or less still there – constantly in my head! It’s torture!!

    It’s been 8 months now and he hasn’t contacted me. The ultimate rejection! I don’t know what hurts the most, the fact that he’s met the woman of his dreams or the fact that he dropped me so easily and without a backward glance. 5 years ago he stood on my doorstep with a huge bunch of flowers for Valentines Day. He’d been trying to get with me persistently for the previous 3 months. 3 days later we kissed for the first time and I was hooked. I doubt whether I will even enter his head on Valentines Day this year.

    I thought that this would be getting better by now but it’s reaching a point where I don’t think I can live with myself for much longer. I just want the hurt and pain to stop. And I still want him back in my life. Maybe it was me all along…….I am one seriously f**ked up bunny!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. give yourself one month for every year of marriage. im on month 8 we were together 11 years. i don’t obsess or miss him anymore. he is a ghost to me now, a mirage. it is like that movie the matrix, i finally got out and realized 11 years of my life was in the “matrix” and was never real. it is like it never happened for him and i have trained myself to feel the same. i could never allow myself the degradation and disrespect i allowed for 11 years. i have no close friends and my child lives with him due to my living arrangments. but i am okay now and lookinng forwar dto the future. if you think it was your fault all along you need to keep reading. hes done. you need to be done. i promise if you go 8 more months and concentrate on you, not him or what he did to you , you will get better. i don’t care how old you are or if you have friends or kids or what, anything is better than being aBUSED and disrespected. you can’t see that now, but i promise, you will.

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    1. Julie is right. I kept in contact for the first year and we were together 10 years. 10 months after going no contact my life came together.The key is to stop trying to make sense of what they do. They are sick, they don’t make sense; thats what makes them N’s.Why get did what he did is not important, the fact that he did it is what is what matters.Sent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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  8. Thanks Julie but don’t think that’s working. I was married for 20 years and got over that in 3 months. I was with this guy for 4 and a half years……..8 months later and the pain is getting worse not better. I don’t understand? There’s no logic to it.

    Maybe if I knew he was failing in his new relationship or if his life was a mess then maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad?? As it is I’m the one that’s a mess. Nobody has as much as looked at me since he’s been gone. Even if they did I would be petrified of the same thing happening again with someone else. It feels as though I’m never going to love or be loved again and I’m trying desperately to hold on to the last person that showed me any love, albeit badly. And the further along it gets the worse t gets. He’s going from strength to strength whilst I feel like I’m just waiting to die.

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  9. maybe if i knew he was failing in his new relationship or if his life was a mess then maybe i wouln’t feel so bad., …………………………examine this statement closely and in it you have just explained why you are getting worse. put the focus on you.also, “it feels as though im never going to love or be loved againh.” are you dependent upon a relationship/marriage for your self esteem?

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    1. At the moment Julie I have no self esteem. He managed to erode every trace of it. I know this is all stupid but it’s like I’m still dependent on him for my validation in life. It’s pathetic but this is the place I’m stuck in. The reason for me being on here is to find a way out of it by asking people who know exactly how I feel and why because they’ve been there and pulled themselves out the other side and have gotten their lives back again. They are finally in control instead of being controlled. That’s where I need to be but right now I’m stuck in quicksand asking for some practical help and advice to move forward in life without him.

      I’m working really hard believe me. I’ve tried to make new friends but my confidence is so shredded that they soon get fed up of me and stop asking me out. I go to exercise classes and I meditate. I try not to feel sorry for myself and I treat myself well. But it’s just not happening and for the life of me I don’t know why! x

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