Good Thing Words Don’t Have Calories

Life is a never ending cause and affect chain of events, if we change one thing it can affect the events for the rest of our life and cause ripple effects to an unknown amount of people.

I used to judge people on how clean their house was, what they wore, how they dressed; it was the way I was raised and its easy to do when you aren’t in their position. Its like non-parents that know exactly how you should raise your child or a person who has never done drugs counseling someone to quit drugs, someone who has never been in an abusive relationship telling you to “just get over it”.

So many times over the last 12+ years I have had to eat my words; its hard to feel superior to anyone when you’ve got a mouthful of all the words you are trying swallow.

I find myself once again swallowing words spoken or thought years ago when I was warm and cozy in my own little spotless clean house. I distinctly remember the words, “I don’t care where you live or how broke you are , there is never a good reason to have a dirty house. Have some pride!” or “They could change their situation if they really wanted to”.

If you don’t know the individuals circumstances you can’t say any thing. Recently some well meaning person said Laila needs more exercise and training. A simple and true statement, and a seemingly easy enough task; until you take into account that we live in a dinky trailer and she has to go straight to bed on my bed when we get home. Taking her for more walks seems like an obvious solution to her high energy until you consider its freezing outside, the heater in my truck has quit and the trailer is freezing. A person doesn’t mind going for a long walk in the cold when they have a warm house to go home to, but to go out and get colder when you are already cold is asking too much.

My place is a pig sty, I am ashamed to let anyone see it; I have always been a very clean housekeeper; I tell myself that I would feel better if I cleaned the place. But last night I had to use my foot to break the ice on the water and then stick my hand in to ladle out water for the dogs and to wash with. In order to heat it I have to turn off the heater, to make supper I have to turn off the heat, the trailer is freezing, I am not turning off the heat any more than absolutely necessary. Its so cold I usually eat, huddle up over the heater for awhile and then crawl into bed with the puppies where I have a fitful sleep because I can’t stay warm.

I wake up early determined to get out of the place early and go to work but its not so easy when you don’t have a hot shower, when you’ve slept in your clothes because its too cold to undress, when you barely slept all night and when you did you had nightmares about your ex.

The solution seems easy; find another place to live but that’s not so easy when you don’t have the internet or phone service where you live. NONE lately. So drive down the hill where you Do have service. That’s fine for a while but when the truck doesn’t have heat it gets unbearably cold pretty quick, at least if I am driving we get the hot air off the engine. But we have laws against using a cell phone while driving.

Move the trailer I’ve been given. Turns out this gift is not as straight forward as originally thought. The transfer form name doesn’t match the name on the registration. The guys who gave me the trailer never put it in their name, the old guy who used to own the property died and no one seems to know who’s name is on the trailer and the previous owners really don’t care because they got rid of it 6 years ago. So now I don’t know how long it will be before I can get it in my name. It will happen its just going to take awhile. I need it in my name to put it in most parks. I could move it temporarily but being that it isn’t a regular rv trailer but a “park model” things are complicated yet again. Not all parks can accommodate a park model trailer, for one thing it doesn’t have a holding tank for the sewer and has to be plumbed in, it’s 40′ long and not all parks have lots that large, it is not built to be moved easily. They are meant to be semi permanent, moved maybe 3-4 times in their life time. No one knows how many times its already been moved but the less I move it the better.

The guy helping me tells me that we shouldn’t put the pushouts back in it until I find a permanent home for it, and we should close in the holes where the pushouts go with plywood, insulate it and just live in it like that until I get a place for it where it won’t be moved again. Fine and dandy but where do I store the pushouts for God knows how long, what park is going to take it with plywood on the outside? How do I fix the trailer in order that it will meet the standards of a park if the pushouts aren’t attached?

Also I have had people promise me things with the best of intentions and then not follow through. what if I move it and then the guy helping me for whatever reason can’t help me put it back together and I end up with just another expense because it will be useless and I will be stuck with it.

I want the trailer but does it even make sense any more when it is such a hassle and I am supposed to be starting a new job and need a decent place to live. But where do I go with two dogs in like 3 days. I can’t find any place to live if I don’t have internet or a phone and I still need to work because I need money.

I get so overwhelmed by it all. I KNEW moving up here was going to be the death of me; its like I am stuck here now. I get anxiety attacks over it. I have to go do my ICBC written test for my air brakes and all I can think about is where am I going to live.

Well, I went and did my test for my air brakes and failed miserably; I should have known better than to go in the state of mind I was in but I kinda hoped I’d ace it and it would be one less thing on my plate. Now its a bigger thing on my plate. no one at work was upset; 1/2 the guys there have failed it some didn’t even pass the course but I don’t like to fail. I wasn’t surprised though; I am exhausted. I don’t member the last time I had a good nights sleep.

I start work tomorrow, I think I am going to try to get my friend to babysit the dogs tomorrow or at least tonight so I can stay at a friends tonight.

My phone is going to die so I will update you all tomorrow.

Do you have any words you have had to swallow?

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14 thoughts on “Good Thing Words Don’t Have Calories

  1. My favorite saying of all time is this: A pat on the back is only a few inches away from a kick in the ass.

    I think if you are the one patting yourself on the back, the kick in the ass will be that much harder.

    We all try not to judge, try not to feel superior to others. We all fail.

    Good luck with everything.

    Tim

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    • Hey Carrie, You are in a tought time right now. Stop judging yourself for judging. We are all human and will always judge in some way. God bless you girl. You are one strong woman and it shows given what you are experiencing. I sure will add you to my prayer list.

      Morgan

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      • Morgan, thank you so much!! Prayers must have helped! If you read my reply to twisted you will see what I mean.I haven’t been able to respond to many of the comments lately due to lack of internet but I am able to read them in my email. Thankyou for all your input.HugsCarrieSent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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  2. I understand. To be very honest, before I found myself in this situation, I would have judged anyone that stayed with and put up with everything the man I was with did and I certainly would have judged someone at my age (36) who was living with their mother and looking for jobs…someone who really has little to no life. Now that I am in this situation, I know that bad things happen to good, well-meaning people. I am not proud of my situation, in fact- I am pretty much ashamed. It is what it is. At this point in my life and after what I have been through and all I have read from everyone else on this board, I certainly would never judge someone by their circumstances again. We all do the best we can.

    Carrie, I wish you the very best of luck in your new job tomorrow. I hope you just have the best day ever. You are an amazing woman and deserve the very best. Don’t ever sell yourself short.

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    • Thank you twistedheart, it will be ok; one maybe two nights where I am and I’ll move the trailer at least temporarily. I’ve just had enough, I’ve fought so hard, as you and so many have you just get to the point of enough is enough. I have felt before that I couldn’t do it one more day and have made 2 full years, and it will all be worth it a few months from now.You know you are the greatest!! I remember when you started coming here; do you ever go back and read some of your comments? If not you should because you have come so far and now You are such a huge support for everyone. You are a great addition to my blog and always have encouraging word, I truly thank you for that.I get to drive my favorite truck, its a 4700, its a flat deck tow truck with a tilt deck, winch, it doesn’t have air brakes and its a six speed so I can drive it no problem. It is also the truck I need to tow my trailer. And apparently the company just got it and needed a driver. So problem solved; I will still get my air brake endorsement and take a “gears” course so I can drive any of the trucks but it takes the pressure off for now.I get to take the truck home so my truck without a heater can sit until I can afford to fix it.I’m not used to things falling into place like that, its a nice feeling. Hard to things believe after so many disappointment and always having JC putting stumbling blocks in front of me. Its going to take awhile to not always expect the other shoe to drop.Thanks againCarrieSent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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      • Awe:) Thanks Carrie! You make me feel good.
        I know I have made some progress, but then I feel ashamed during the moments when I feel I am right back at the beginning.

        My ex called me today. In true form, he popped into my head about 5 minutes before he called. I hate that I have that weird intuition when it comes to him( if only I had listened to it long ago). I DID NOT answer. He left a message. I get such anxiety whenever he contacts me. It’s horrible. His message said “I read on facebook that you were getting your wisdom teeth out. I know I am days late, but I wanted to wish you well. I hope you are recovering. I didn’t know you were having that done (why would I have told him?). Best wishes and happy new year”. Stupid question: but the best reaction is no reaction, right? not even a thanks text? the only reason i even thought to do that is so that he knows it doesnt other me one way or another. I know…NC, right? Man, he is horrible.

        I HATE when he say “best wishes”, Every time he contacts me now (i DO NOT RESPOND), he says “best wishes”. As if I am just anybody. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I guess because I deserve so much more from him and I know he doesn’t really care about me one way or another. He is only calling me to be able to say to his mom (who sent me a message on facebook asking me how i was feeling) and his neighbors that like me, that he tried to check on me. So he can say to them “she was horrible to me and ruined my life, but i still tried to remain friends and she is so cold-hearted and such a bitch that she won’t. Besides, she doesn’t even care about the dogs enough to see them.” I guarantee that is the bs he is spreading(although I doubt he would actually call me a bitch to those people). I wonder if he actually told his psycho that I abused him (like he tried to say to me once.). It is just all such a lie and couldn’t be further from the truth. The only person with a cold heart, the only person who doesnt care..is him. The ONLY person who was abused…was ME. He thinks calling me makes him a good guy and erases the horrible partner and human being he was to me? Then again, nobody..except for myself…knows exactly how horrible he was to me. Oh well. I just had to vent (considering my last comment was about how , if I were still with him, he would only take care of me enough to feel like he was the good guy).

        On to more important things- how is the job coming along Carrie and how are you doing? Is it everything you hoped? I just know that this is going to be your year! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  3. I have swallowed enough of my own words that they literally could be incorporated in either a bowl of Alpha-bits or alphabet soup. It all stems from how much of an asshole I really was from the time I was a teenager to my late twenties.

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    • The main thing is that we realize we have to eat them. Many people never get there.So good to see you Michael! I hope the year has been good to you so far. Already only 4 days in I’ve had more good things happen this year then last year!! Good sign!Sent by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck

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  4. Good luck with your new job. You are an inspiration to others. Your website has helped me and hundreds of other women. Happy 2013. God Bless

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  5. Carrie, it’s pretty unforgiveable to promise things & not follow through. Some people say something ‘at the time’ and feel good about your reaction, & have no intention of following through. Though others intend to.

    To be honest, I’d be falling apart in stress if I were experiencing as you are. It’s way too much Carrie. For fuck sake, things have to get BETTER for you. This is just going on too long. You’re a SURVIVOR OF A BAD SITUATION, Carrie – there’s got to be a turn in this road.

    Hugs, & sincere best wishes to you. Please try & find some kind of – I don’t know, something, some, I don’t know, sorry. I’m truly sorry.

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  6. The verbal abuse was nothing like I’ve ever heard before. If words could kill, I would have died a long time ago. He was so good at the put downs, degradation and name-calling. And in his narcissistic rage, the screaming words never stopped, sometimes for 30-45 minutes straight. I don’t know why I put up with it. I had never been treated like that before. We fought all the time. When I wouldn’t agree with him that it was my fault, we fought. When I tried to express my hurtful feelings about something he had said or done, we fought. I knew something was wrong with the way he would interpret what I was saying to him, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. So, I began stuffing my feelings inside, but that only made me angrier. I was so much in love with him, or was it infatuation? I really don’t know now. He even gave me a concussion. That was the beginning of the end. That’s when I realized it had to end……which didn’t happen for another 5-6 months. I still feel like I will never love like this again. I have no desire to find someone else.

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